We're gonna have some
fun today, Pawnee!
Who is ready to Play 60?
Everybody, on the field!
The NFL has a campaign
to try to get kids active
for 60 minutes per day.
And so, we've bused in
100lucky little buggers
from Pawnee.
And they are gonna
get a chance to play
with the Colts.
I told you to run
a button hook!
I did, Leslie.
Okay. I guess you would know!
Pleasure to see you
again, Mr. Luck.
We met briefly last year
at our friend's
bachelor party.
Oh, yeah. Right.
How are you?
I normally don't answer
that question.
But since I respect
your talent, I will tell you.
I am fine.
Hi, I'm April.
I stole your wallet.
You guys are weird.
Thank you.
What's up, girl?
Keep walking, 98.
You don't wanna talk
to that guy?
He plays in the NFL.
He's a linebacker.
Skill positions
only for Donna Meagle.
I got my Colts beanie,
my Colts scarf,
I got the Colts grill going
and the crowning glory,
Colts "slippies."
How're you
gonna run in those?
Run? Tommy doesn't run.
That's your guys' job.
Now, uh, let's go fetch
this football throw, fellows.
I love sports.
Check it out, Tom.
The Eagleton Reservoir.
Isn't it stunning?
It's just a big, dumb pond.
This morning, I saw
a YouTube clip
of a little puppy,
riding a motorcycle.
So, my bar for stunning
is pretty high.
What if I told you that
this water has fluoride in it?
Then, I would tell you
the puppy had
a little sidecar
with a piggy in it,
named Hampton.
First of all,
send me a link to that video.
But more importantly,
now that we have access
to the Eagleton Reservoir
and the water treatment
supply,
Pawnee is going to have
fluoride in its water
for the first time
in our history.
Our oral history. Nailed it!
Of course, I'm upset
that I lost
the recall election.
But I'm just gonna spend
the remainder of my term
cramming in as many
good projects as I can.
Lame duck? Try flame duck.
'Cause this duck is on fire.
It's hard doing stupid
government stuff now that
Rent A Swag has closed.
I'm a businessman.
That's what I was born to do.
Well, look, you've just got
to make the most of the job
that you have.
Like, take that
trash collector.
It's not the most
glamorous job in the world,
but he's doing it
with a smile on his face.
Oh, my God.
He's not wearing any pants.
What's wrong with him?
Let's get out of here.
He's smiling at us.
Let's go. Run!
Ugh!
Hey. What's up, guys?
Look what Ron made.
It's amazing.
Several months ago,
I was on a walk
and found my crib-tree.
I approached the tree,
murdered it,
left it to cure
in my woodshop,
and have begun
working it into a crib,
for my upcoming child.
Ron Swanson,
you cannot use this crib.
You're ignoring every
known crib safety standard.
It's all covered
in the parenting book
I'm reading.
Are You Going
to Crawl My Way?
by Lenny Kravitz.
My crib will be safe
because I'm building it
with my own two hands.
I bought my crib
in Bloomington,
and I am confident
that it is, literally,
the safest crib
in the explored universe.
Let me take you there,
and you can talk
to the salesperson.
Counter offer.
You take me nowhere
and I talk to no one.
Counter, counter offer.
You come with me
or I make you attend
a four-hour fax cover-sheet
protocol meeting.
Either way,
it's a win for me.
Next, on the docket,
is a vote
to approve the
Pawnee-Eagleton
reservoir merger.
Whoa-whoa-whoa!
We're just goosing our
water supply with fluoride?
I mean, come on.
Are we really going to force
every Pawnee resident
to ingest a chemical
we know nothing about?
Fluoride is used
by the communists
to control our minds.
No, it's not.
Fluoride can control minds?
Like, you can use it
to make ladies do stuff?
How am I the one
that is getting booted off
of this city council?
Okay. Fluoride is safe.
It is good for you
and almost every town
in America uses it.
Ah. All right.
You got me.
I don't want fluoride
in the water
because I'm a dentist
and I like cavities.
Yeah, that is not
a valid reason.
Pawnee's cavity problem
is why a small-town dentist,
like me,
can afford such a boss ride.
Got an Asian girl
to sit in it once.
Why did we come out here?
Come on, Jamm.
Fluoride in the water,
it's a no-brainer.
Can't you just let me
have this one?
No can do, "Knopey."
As a matter of fact,
I would like
to propose my own bill.
The Pawnee Clean Water Bill,
which prohibits adding
anything to our water supply.
Forever.
Jamm's not going to be
able to kill this
reservoir merger, is he?
On my side, I have facts,
science and reason.
All he has is
fear-mongering.
My God. He's gonna win.
Yeah, people get jittery
about stuff like this.
Remember last year
when no one
would get flu shots
because there was a rumor
they turned you European?
Well, I'll figure
something out.
Oh. Jessica's here.
Got to go.
Okay, bye.
Hey, sugarbutt.
Some lardos in Muncie
ate tainted
Sweetums Toffee Sticks
and diarrhea'd so much,
they ended up in the hospital.
Oh!
Can we give their school,
like, a new see-saw
or something?
Yeah. Thanks.
The new site looks good.
Nice work.
Oh, my God,
these dogs are so cute.
I want to throw up
and kill myself.
Animal Control had to take in
all the pets from Eagleton
and Crazy Craig used to run
all their shelters,
so he helped me make
an adoption website
for all their dogs.
If you can look
at that site and not
want to take home 50 dogs,
you're, basically,
a war criminal.
See the way that dog
is rolling around
in a puddle?
That's something Andy does
when he gets hot.
Wait, you're right.
That is so Andy.
Oh, my God.
That dog is totally Tom.
Tom.
I don't know why.
It doesn't look like him,
but it just is.
It's like, that dog
is the essence of Tom.
Okay. Important meeting
in the conference room
right now.
We are going to all pick
our spirit dogs.
Oh. I've got to pick up
Gayle at the airport.
Larry, I swear to God,
if you leave right now
we will make your spirit dog
a Miniature Schnauzer.
Is that bad?
Yes. Get in there!
Ann found this place.
It's where we bought
our Sounds of Nature machine.
You bought a machine
that replicates
an open window.
Frasier. Chris Traeger.
Do you remember me?
I came in here looking
for the Vanna White book
on child care,
I'd Like to Solve
the Puzzle of Parenting.
Could you show my friend
Ron that amazing crib
that you sold me?
The Baby Love Little
Sweetheart Safe
Forever and Ever model?
Oh. Yeah.
That thing is a death trap.
I'm sorry?
Just found out this morning,
it's being recalled.
They found Maxicylofentabol
in the glue.
Is that good? It sounds bad.
It burned off my fingernails.
I'll be in the car.
Councilwoman Leslie Knope
wants to put fluoride,
which is a chemical,
into your drinking water.
You know what else
is a chemical? Strychnine.
And cyanide.
What?
And dirt. And rust.
And even broken glass.
Exactly.
You definitely understand
what chemicals are, Perd.
I would suggest, if you want
to contact the psychopath
that wants to turn your kids
into bad-at-math
communist fluoride zombies,
well, just call the number
at the bottom of your screen.
Leslie Knope.
No. Stop right there.
You know what?
Fluoride protects your teeth
and it's perfectly
healthy for you.
Well, if Jamm says that,
then he is a lying idiot.
And if you believe it,
then so are you.
Whoa! You just talked
to that person
like I talk to you.
You can't do that.
Why not?
What are they gonna do,
kick me out of office?
Why did it take me
so long to realize this?
There are no consequences
to my actions anymore.
No matter what I do,
literally nothing bad
can happen to me.
I'm like a white, male,
US senator.
Fluoride is going
into the water, moron.
Oh. Hey, Mom. Sorry.
Because all it does
is prevent cavities!
God! I expected
more from you.
All right,
I'm a loose cannon.
We need to fight
fire with fire.
I call a town hall meeting,
I gather everyone together,
I distribute the binders.
But now, the binders
are bright yellow!
Boom!
Too extreme?
Too nothing. Look, Jamm's
already ruined fluoride.
Everyone's scared of it.
What if we called it
something else?
What do you mean?
I mean, we rebrand.
No one cared
about Calvin Broadus,
until he started
calling himself
Snoop Doggy Dogg.
Then, when people
got tired of that,
he went by Snoop Dogg.
And now, he's Snoop Lion.
What's he going
to be in 10 years?
Snoop Laser Snake? Who knows?
What are you saying,
we need to sex up fluoride?
I don't know, Tom.
It's a pretty
sexy topic already.
Leslie, you got to give
people something
to get excited about.
You told me to make
the most of my job.
I'm good at this stuff.
Now, are you
a loose cannon or not?
Yeah.
I'm as loose as a goose.
Do your thing, Tom.
Aw.
Now, remember.
It's about finding a dog
that captures your spirit.
See? This is Craig.
Oh, no, that is insane.
I will burn this place
to the ground,
if you pick that one!
Okay, good choice.
You guys. Leslie.
Yes.
And Ron Swanson.
Yeah!
Oh, my God.
This is Larry.
That's great. You nailed it.
Bingo. Donna.
Nailed it.
You're a poodle because
you're pretty, and you like
make-up and stuff.
Game over.
Ron, I want to do
things the Swanson way.
Wonderful. First rule,
no conversation lasts
longer than 100 total words.
You have used nine.
I have used 20. Continue.
Fun. I'd like you
to teach me to build a crib.
Why do you need
to build your own crib?
Because I no longer
trust anything other
than my own two hands.
It is debilitating,
but exciting.
Okay. We'll go to my
woodshop at lunch.
Wonderful.
Look at us.
Both standing on
the cusp of fatherhood.
I know we haven't spent
a lot of time together,
but I hope...
One hundred.
All right. So, in conclusion,
fluoride chemical,
tiny genitals, misinformation,
panic death, Jenny McCarthy.
Well, I don't know,
Councilman.
That was a little dry.
What do you say
we have some fun? Huh?
Check this.
Plain water?
Yuck. I'm bored.
Then, try this.
What? What just happened?
That water contains TDazzle,
which makes your teeth
stronger, and starts a party
in your mouth.
What? Fluoride's boring,
guys! Boo!
Welcome to T-Dazzle.
It's not a chemical,
it's an aquatic-based,
social media oral experience.
Everyone who tweets
a T-Dazzle in the next hour
will be entered
to win an exciting
plain blue t-shirt.
I say T. You say Dazzle. T!
Dazzle!
T!
Dazzle!
Thank you for
the woodworking lesson, Ron.
This whole crib recall thing
has got me, literally,
rethinking everything
I thought I knew
about parenting.
What sleep method
will you be using?
Ferber? Sears?
Swanson method,
where you close
your eyes and fall asleep.
I really wish
Ron would engage.
But he exudes
so much wisdom that
I can learn parenting tips
simply by being
in his presence.
Someone like Ron
is teaching even
when they're not teaching.
Does that make sense?
My anxiety has kept me up
for over 50 hours.
Our polling shows that 72%
of citizens are in favor
of adding T-Dazzle
to their water,
effectively killing
Councilman Jamm's
so-called Clean Water Bill.
Eat it, Jamm. I won.
Apology accepted.
You know, I've actually
come around to your way
of thinking on this.
My only thought is,
why stop here?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Sweetums president,
Jessica Wicks.
Whoo!
Look, we all love T-Dazzle.
But we can do more
to improve our
drinking supply.
Sweetums is excited
to propose
an alternative to boring
municipal water.
We call it, Drink-Ems! Whoo!
Sweetums is prepared
to take over the management
of Pawnee's water.
This is going to save
this town beaucoup bucks.
Take a sip of this
delicious water
and imagine it coming out
of your faucets at home.
This water is filled
with sugar.
There's absolutely no way
we are doing this.
Too late. We're going
to fill the whole reservoir
with this stuff.
Checkmate.
Did you bring those
with you just to do that?
Maybe.
Damn.
This is a baller move.
What are we gonna
do now, Leslie?
Hey. Okay. Are you still mad
at me about the poodle thing?
It's just a dumb game.
I can pick another dog.
I'm not mad about the choice.
I'm mad about the reasons.
Pretty? Make-up?
Is that all you
know about me?
Mmm. We don't hang
out that much.
It's not like
you know a ton about me.
You're beautiful,
yet cold and aloof.
You pride yourself
on being a loner.
You do not obey,
you choose to cooperate.
And when you stop
baring your fangs
to pick a mate, it's for life.
And you are fiercely
loyal to your pack,
which makes you, a rare,
black, Siberian Husky.
That was so spot-on,
it was scary.
I need to go lie down
for 45 minutes.
No. An hour.
A full hour.
Good morning.
This won't take long.
Simply put,
it would be madness
to let Sweetums take over
our water supply
and pump it full of sugar.
What's next?
Cookie dough toothpaste?
Bad example.
That would be amazing.
My point is,
Sweetums is an evil,
profit-hungry corporation
that is ruining our health.
Ever since Sweetums
opened its doors,
obesity is up 100%.
It's unacceptable.
Down with that poison-peddling
corporate monster.
Down with Sweetums!
Hey.
Hey. Heard about your speech.
Sounded great.
I wish you could
have seen it.
It felt so good.
I love loose cannoning.
You know, I love the power
of no consequences.
Well, unfortunately,
there has been
one consequence.
I just got fired
from Sweetums.
Because you were
embezzling. I hope.
Hey, Jessica.
Did you do something
to your hair?
Because sister,
you look good enough to eat.
Nom-nom-nom.
What do you want, Leslie?
You can't punish Ben
for something I did.
It's not fair.
I love him, and I will do
anything to help him
get his job back.
What do you want?
I want you to formally
apologize for what
you said about Sweetums.
I want you to say
that we're a moral,
upstanding corporation
that you're proud
to have in Pawnee.
And when you make
your apology,
I want you to wear
a lime-green pantsuit.
Because it will look
horrible on you.
You are such an autumn.
Did you need me for something?
Yes.
I want to figure out
your spirit dog
and I'm going to do that
by learning everything
there is to know about you.
All right. Game on.
Okay.
What's your favorite color?
For cars, it's gold.
For shoes, it's red.
Unless it's the weekend,
then reverse them.
Favorite music.
1970s funk and 1770s opera
and Sugar Ray.
Post Mark McGrath,
after he left for
Entertainment Tonight.
Favorite book.
Downton Abbey.
That's not a...
Downton Abbey.
Okay. Um... Describe
your perfect Sunday.
Church, do the
Harper's Magazine acrostic,
play my oboe in the Jacuzzi,
while the sun
sets over Puget Sound.
Favorite movies?
In order.
Natural Born Killers,
Remains of the Day
and Bill and Ted's
Bogus Journey.
Excellent. Thank you
very much for your time.
I will have
your answer shortly.
No idea.
If a joint is properly
fashioned, all you need
to do is guide it into place.
All you need to do
is guide it into place.
What I get from that is,
when parenting,
sometimes, a subtle hand
is more effective
than a strong one.
This is already so much more
helpful than the last book
on parenting I read,
Rad Dads, by Apolo Anton Ohno
and Shaun White.
Nah...
Ron, why did you throw
that wood away?
It's unstable. It's no good.
I just don't understand
the "throwing away the wood"
metaphor.
What's the lesson?
I know!
It's potty-training.
That trash can is the toilet
and the wood was the feces.
Chris, I'm not
teaching you anything.
We're just building a crib.
No, I know you're not
consciously teaching me
anything.
I'm just trying
to siphon off
some of your calm,
centered wisdom
through metaphors.
Metaphors? I hate metaphors.
That's why
my favorite book is Moby Dick.
No frou-frou symbolism.
Just a good, simple tale
about a man,
who hates an animal.
That's enough for today,
I think.
An organized child is a...
No.
Okay,
I've been working
on this for three hours,
and I know your spirit dog.
You are a Nova Scotia Toller.
Because you're outgoing
and adventurous
and you love Canada?
No, that's not right.
No, it isn't.
But I appreciate the effort.
We're good.
Do not beat yourself up.
You'll probably never guess
what kind of dog I am.
You're right.
I'll never guess
what kind of dog you are.
Because you're not a dog.
You're a cat.
You're temperamental,
you're unpredictable,
complex and hard to read.
You make people work
before you let them in.
But if they put the time in
and prove that they care,
then you open
yourself up to them.
Right?
No. No, no, no, no.
Hmm.
So, let's all raise a glass
full of delicious,
sugary drinking water,
to Sweetums,
a Pawnee institution.
Leslie, don't do this.
I have to, Ben.
We can't both be
out of a job.
What do we do?
Sleep all day, take
cooking classes together,
sit on a couch
and watch movies?
God, that sounds horrible.
There's more at stake here.
You apologize, it will be
an endorsement
for the Drink-Ems plan.
I know that, but...
And everything you said
about Sweetums was right on.
I mean, 90%
of the charity work I did
was to compensate
for messes they caused.
And I don't want
to work for them anymore.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Just go up there
and stick to your guns.
Well, it's not gonna
make a difference.
I can't beat them.
All I have on my side
is facts and science,
and people hate
facts and science.
Wait. I have an idea.
Go get Tom.
What?
Run. Get Tom!
Yesterday, I said some
pretty harsh things
about Sweetums
and their great new product.
But when I looked
at the research, I found
some pretty compelling facts
about Drink-Ems that
made me change my tune.
Each Drink-Ems is packed
with 35% of your daily
monopotassium
phosphate requirement.
MPP is an emulsifier,
as well as a plus-seven
pH buffer.
Now, I know what
you're thinking.
What about its molar mass?
How does 136.086 grab you?
What the...
I don't know about y'all,
but Drink-Ems seems
pretty boring to me.
Not like H2FLOW.
Excuse me.
I have several binders
with very important data
that I need to get through.
Well, Miss, I think
we'd all appreciate it
if you just swallowed
a teaspoon of hush.
Think of H2FLOW
as an app for your teeth.
The more flow you take in,
the more sparkle points
you get.
Get enough sparkle points,
and you're on your way
to your first Aqua Badge.
Collect enough Aqua Badges,
and we'll welcome you
to the H2FLOW Platinum Club.
I'm great at business,
and I'm great at Parks stuff.
I'm like Picasso
meets Michael Jordan.
I can paint.
But, uh, I can also be
a world-class gambler.
Ron, what's this?
The crib I built.
I'm giving it to you and Ann.
It's perfectly safe.
I tested it by
hitting it with my truck.
Well, Ron, I can't accept.
This is for your baby.
There is more than one
crib-tree in a forest.
That's not a lesson,
by the way. Just a comment
on lumber availability.
It's beautiful. Thank you.
Nobody has all
the right answers
in parenting, including me.
And that toxic crib
you bought won't be
the last mistake you make.
But a man who is this
worried, about making
all the right choices,
cares very much.
That's all that matters.
You'll be a great father.
Thank you, Ron.
For the crib and the advice.
It's much better
than any metaphor.
Does the white whale
actually symbolize
the unknowability
and meaninglessness
of human existence?
No. It's just a...
fish.
Hey. Good news.
Drink-Ems is dead.
As of tomorrow,
every Pawnee resident
will have H2FLOW
in their drinking water.
That's great news.
H2FLOW is fluoride, right?
They think so.
I'll double-check with Tom,
but I'm, like, 95% sure.
Well, look at us.
Two people, who are
about to have zero jobs.
Weird, huh?
You and I, we always
land on our feet, right?
Uh-oh.
Guess who won
that plain blue t-shirt.
No way!
Look how blue it is!
Wow! Things are already
looking up.
Yeah.