1
00:00:56,848 --> 00:01:01,079
Andy got back from London two days
ago and he still has jet lag.
2
00:01:01,105 --> 00:01:04,225
It's really annoying. We're on
totally different schedules.
3
00:01:04,244 --> 00:01:07,077
Last night he mowed the lawn
at 2:00 in the morning.
4
00:01:07,357 --> 00:01:09,689
Andy!
Andy!
5
00:01:09,714 --> 00:01:11,334
- Get me a beer?
- All right.
6
00:01:11,353 --> 00:01:14,506
As soon as I wake up,
he goes down. Hard.
7
00:01:15,133 --> 00:01:16,794
This has to stop!
8
00:01:17,832 --> 00:01:19,129
Babe, wake up.
9
00:01:19,155 --> 00:01:21,475
That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca.
10
00:01:21,517 --> 00:01:22,375
Babe!
11
00:01:24,870 --> 00:01:26,851
You hungry, Champion?
12
00:01:28,056 --> 00:01:30,269
Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?
13
00:01:34,435 --> 00:01:37,179
Hey. Oh, man,
I fell asleep again.
14
00:01:37,185 --> 00:01:40,812
Andy, you have got to stay up
and get on a regular schedule.
15
00:01:40,839 --> 00:01:43,982
Were you about to spray me
with the hose inside the house?
16
00:01:44,005 --> 00:01:45,338
Yeah.
17
00:01:45,363 --> 00:01:46,636
I kinda want you to do it now.
18
00:01:46,654 --> 00:01:48,841
- Okay.
- Aah! Aah!
19
00:01:48,856 --> 00:01:50,273
Aaahhh!
20
00:01:50,294 --> 00:01:53,031
No, no, no, no, no, no!
21
00:02:09,893 --> 00:02:16,893
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
22
00:02:17,642 --> 00:02:21,808
Okay, just a reminder, guys, today is
Leslie's last day as a city councilor,
23
00:02:21,821 --> 00:02:23,900
so everyone be extra supportive.
24
00:02:23,940 --> 00:02:25,047
Already done.
25
00:02:25,073 --> 00:02:28,977
When she walked past me this
morning, I gave her a kind nod.
26
00:02:29,572 --> 00:02:33,799
Heartwarming. Also I want to get her a
present to cheer her up on her last day.
27
00:02:33,825 --> 00:02:34,752
Any ideas?
28
00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,814
A "sorry you lost
your dream job" gift?
29
00:02:36,827 --> 00:02:39,051
Mm, that's a tough one.
Stay away from wine.
30
00:02:39,083 --> 00:02:40,391
Wine is crying juice.
31
00:02:40,418 --> 00:02:42,031
Well, I mean, you know her
better than anybody.
32
00:02:42,044 --> 00:02:45,302
What does she really want?
More than anything in the world?
33
00:02:45,934 --> 00:02:47,919
A nice candle.
I'm screwed.
34
00:02:48,358 --> 00:02:49,899
No! Andy!
35
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,335
- An-Andy!
- Oh! Come on!
36
00:02:51,376 --> 00:02:53,264
- Andy!
- Be right out.
37
00:02:54,079 --> 00:02:57,216
Well, this is the Pawnee
City Council chambers.
38
00:02:57,242 --> 00:02:58,856
Your new home away from me.
39
00:02:58,882 --> 00:03:01,598
Well, technically, my home
away from home is in Zurich.
40
00:03:01,624 --> 00:03:04,333
Frank Gehry designed it.
But this is nice too.
41
00:03:04,363 --> 00:03:07,740
Today is my last day
as a--excuse me.
42
00:03:08,552 --> 00:03:10,959
Let me try this again. Today
is my last day at C--
43
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:12,727
Today is my la--
44
00:03:13,094 --> 00:03:14,161
Today is my last d--
45
00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:15,402
You know what?
You get the idea.
46
00:03:15,421 --> 00:03:17,661
My old friend Ingrid de
Forest won the recall vote,
47
00:03:17,681 --> 00:03:19,475
and she's taking my place
on Monday morning.
48
00:03:19,494 --> 00:03:22,055
But, you know, luckily for me,
I've processed all my feelings.
49
00:03:22,074 --> 00:03:24,101
And I've gone through
the five stages of grief:
50
00:03:24,124 --> 00:03:26,653
Denial, anger,
Internet commenting,
51
00:03:26,673 --> 00:03:30,513
cat adoption, African dance, cat
returning to the adoption place,
52
00:03:30,546 --> 00:03:34,170
watching all the episodes of Murphy
Brown, and not giving a flying fart.
53
00:03:34,770 --> 00:03:36,423
How many stages is that?
54
00:03:36,443 --> 00:03:38,736
I don't know. The point
is I'm fine now.
55
00:03:39,495 --> 00:03:41,354
This must be hard for you.
56
00:03:41,361 --> 00:03:43,113
It's like what sir Ian
McKellen said to me
57
00:03:43,126 --> 00:03:45,486
the day I sold my boat
to Karl Lagerfeld:
58
00:03:45,506 --> 00:03:47,833
"Parting is such sweet sorrow."
59
00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:49,793
Oh, my God.
What is your life?
60
00:03:49,810 --> 00:03:53,241
If it makes any difference, your work
here was a real inspiration to me,
61
00:03:53,259 --> 00:03:57,121
and I am going to do my best
to continue your legacy.
62
00:03:57,296 --> 00:03:59,244
Well, I appreciate
the sentiment.
63
00:04:03,953 --> 00:04:05,294
Leslie.
64
00:04:05,488 --> 00:04:08,768
I'm sorry. Was I singing Goodbye
Yellow Brick Road out loud?
65
00:04:08,801 --> 00:04:11,036
No. But would you like to?
66
00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:14,269
I studied opera at the Sorbonne.
I'd be happy to harmonize.
67
00:04:14,903 --> 00:04:16,930
- Goodbye...
- Goodbye...
68
00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:18,310
Naw.
69
00:04:19,412 --> 00:04:20,745
And finally,
70
00:04:20,758 --> 00:04:24,012
here is a check for the entirety
of the purchase of Rent-A-Swag.
71
00:04:24,019 --> 00:04:27,785
And here is a personal note
from my client Dr. Saperstein.
72
00:04:27,805 --> 00:04:31,019
"Dear Tom: I win. You suck.
Turn note over.
73
00:04:31,061 --> 00:04:33,931
You still suck.
Turn note over."
74
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,927
Okay, Saperstein couldn't
even face me himself?
75
00:04:35,947 --> 00:04:37,360
He had to send in his lackey?
76
00:04:37,380 --> 00:04:39,651
My client isn't at this meeting
because he doesn't have to be.
77
00:04:39,676 --> 00:04:41,126
Successful people,
Mr. Haverford,
78
00:04:41,139 --> 00:04:43,195
use their money to use
others to work for them.
79
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:45,596
Hmm, it's an interesting
idea, lawyer-dude.
80
00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:48,794
What if I gave you 5 bucks to put a
bag of poop in Saperstein's car?
81
00:04:48,806 --> 00:04:49,934
No.
82
00:04:49,969 --> 00:04:51,962
Ballpark me. How
much would it cost?
83
00:04:52,462 --> 00:04:53,845
$10,000.
84
00:04:54,003 --> 00:04:55,576
Counter-offer:
85
00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:56,943
Why don't you just
do it for the story?
86
00:04:56,962 --> 00:04:58,456
Goodbye, Mr. Haverford.
87
00:04:59,678 --> 00:05:01,084
Is it done?
88
00:05:01,116 --> 00:05:04,111
Well, how many times
did he turn the paper over?
89
00:05:04,892 --> 00:05:07,491
Oh, that is disappointing.
90
00:05:07,990 --> 00:05:08,977
So...
91
00:05:08,990 --> 00:05:09,923
look at this baby.
92
00:05:09,942 --> 00:05:12,791
That is the most symmetrical
fetus I've ever seen.
93
00:05:12,825 --> 00:05:15,278
This could be a superhero.
94
00:05:15,305 --> 00:05:16,778
- Dr. Saperstein.
- Yes.
95
00:05:16,798 --> 00:05:18,105
I know that we should hate you
96
00:05:18,126 --> 00:05:19,724
because you destroyed
our friend's business.
97
00:05:19,744 --> 00:05:21,724
- But we love you so much!
- We love you!
98
00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:23,008
I'm loveable!
99
00:05:23,027 --> 00:05:24,850
So do you wanna know the sex?
100
00:05:24,876 --> 00:05:26,609
Oh, my God.
Should we?
101
00:05:26,638 --> 00:05:28,992
N-no, right?
Or maybe yes?
102
00:05:29,012 --> 00:05:30,785
Is there an option
other than yes or no?
103
00:05:30,805 --> 00:05:32,305
I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
104
00:05:32,338 --> 00:05:33,318
I'm gonna write it down.
105
00:05:33,337 --> 00:05:36,910
Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope,
seal it, and when you're ready,
106
00:05:36,930 --> 00:05:37,877
voila!
107
00:05:37,898 --> 00:05:40,133
- That'll be fun!
- That's like the Oscars.
108
00:05:41,205 --> 00:05:43,485
Hey, let's get some food.
I'm starving.
109
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,917
Wait, no, I have to pee.
110
00:05:44,930 --> 00:05:46,604
Wait, no, I have to barf.
111
00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:49,854
Actually, all three.
Being pregnant is great.
112
00:05:50,357 --> 00:05:52,817
And, finally, Larry's
share of the profit.
113
00:05:52,843 --> 00:05:54,527
Whoa! Good to be Larry.
114
00:05:54,533 --> 00:05:56,103
No, it's not, you
boring grandpa.
115
00:05:56,109 --> 00:05:58,276
Meanwhile, Tommy's ridin' high.
116
00:05:58,295 --> 00:05:59,922
$32,000.
117
00:05:59,941 --> 00:06:01,255
I'm basically a millionaire.
118
00:06:01,268 --> 00:06:02,668
What are you gonna do
with the money, Tom?
119
00:06:02,681 --> 00:06:05,797
Glad you asked. A horrible man
recently gave me some great advice.
120
00:06:05,818 --> 00:06:08,138
For years, I've been coming
up with my own ideas.
121
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:10,013
Like some sort of
non-rich idiot.
122
00:06:10,032 --> 00:06:12,113
Now I'm gonna let
people come to me
123
00:06:12,133 --> 00:06:14,200
and invest my scrilla
in the best idea I hear.
124
00:06:14,225 --> 00:06:17,031
That sounds like an efficient
use of the free market.
125
00:06:17,051 --> 00:06:18,704
I would wish you
the best of luck,
126
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,560
but I believe luck is a
concept invented by the weak
127
00:06:21,587 --> 00:06:23,294
to explain their failures.
128
00:06:23,311 --> 00:06:24,511
Come hear the ideas
with me, Ron.
129
00:06:24,533 --> 00:06:26,541
I could use your wise,
grandfatherly advice.
130
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,708
Do you think everyone here
is a grandfather?
131
00:06:28,732 --> 00:06:30,799
Basically, if you're older
than me, you're a grandpa.
132
00:06:30,812 --> 00:06:32,445
And if you are a
grandpa, you're dead.
133
00:06:32,474 --> 00:06:34,001
- That sounds right.
- Uh, oops.
134
00:06:34,026 --> 00:06:35,719
This check is made
out to "Lenny,"
135
00:06:35,741 --> 00:06:37,228
which I think is a
typo for "Larry,"
136
00:06:37,250 --> 00:06:38,903
which isn't even
actually my name.
137
00:06:39,174 --> 00:06:41,224
Well, tell it to
the bank, Lenny.
138
00:06:41,580 --> 00:06:43,595
Am I--am I Lenny now?
139
00:06:44,089 --> 00:06:46,396
I'd like to order
a singing telegram.
140
00:06:46,558 --> 00:06:50,025
Well, my wife lost her job, so
maybe something sad and slow.
141
00:06:50,051 --> 00:06:53,064
Do you know anything from The
Requiem for a Dream soundtrack?
142
00:06:53,202 --> 00:06:55,369
This is a bad idea. I'm
hanging up now. Bye.
143
00:06:55,386 --> 00:06:57,233
Well, Ingrid is settled
into my office,
144
00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:59,112
and this box contains
the last of my stuff.
145
00:06:59,135 --> 00:07:01,227
Although I might have left
some salt packets in my desk.
146
00:07:01,246 --> 00:07:02,620
Maybe I should go back
for those?
147
00:07:02,646 --> 00:07:04,713
Honey, it's okay, there'll
be other salt packets.
148
00:07:04,742 --> 00:07:06,842
But not the kind that
snaps in half, maybe.
149
00:07:06,863 --> 00:07:08,725
Okay, I know
I'm a broken record,
150
00:07:08,743 --> 00:07:10,861
but getting away
from the City Council
151
00:07:10,887 --> 00:07:14,083
is absolutely the best
thing for you. Trust me.
152
00:07:15,364 --> 00:07:19,486
This is Perd Hapley talking to you
now about what's going on today.
153
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:22,402
We're live at City Hall where
City Councilman Dexhart
154
00:07:22,415 --> 00:07:24,879
is addressing his
latest sex scandal.
155
00:07:24,925 --> 00:07:27,380
Recently, certain allegations
have come to light
156
00:07:27,393 --> 00:07:30,037
about my inappropriate conduct.
157
00:07:30,315 --> 00:07:32,826
I'm here to set the
record straight.
158
00:07:33,329 --> 00:07:35,789
I totally did all of it.
159
00:07:35,819 --> 00:07:38,733
Another sex scandal?
This guy's unbelievable.
160
00:07:38,753 --> 00:07:40,104
How does he find the time?
161
00:07:40,136 --> 00:07:43,043
I also engaged in
inappropriate texting,
162
00:07:43,078 --> 00:07:46,251
sexting,
and tex-mexting,
163
00:07:46,267 --> 00:07:48,885
which is where you send
photos of your junk
164
00:07:48,905 --> 00:07:51,371
from the restroom
of a chili's to go.
165
00:07:51,397 --> 00:07:52,231
- Hmm.
- Ew.
166
00:07:52,244 --> 00:07:54,994
Does this make me a bad boy?
167
00:07:55,250 --> 00:07:56,778
You tell me.
168
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:58,774
No. Really. Tell me.
169
00:07:58,787 --> 00:08:00,808
It gets me off when
women tell me that.
170
00:08:00,835 --> 00:08:03,208
He's reading this,
he wrote this down.
171
00:08:03,227 --> 00:08:05,983
I sent these texts
to roughly 100 women
172
00:08:06,002 --> 00:08:08,070
under the following pseudonyms:
173
00:08:08,361 --> 00:08:09,944
Enrique Shockwave,
174
00:08:10,294 --> 00:08:11,848
Willie Dynamite,
175
00:08:12,108 --> 00:08:14,268
Lee Harvey Teabag...
176
00:08:14,290 --> 00:08:16,769
Well, at least you won't have
to deal with that guy anymore.
177
00:08:16,795 --> 00:08:18,848
- Lieutenant Wilhelm Von Penis.
- You're right.
178
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:21,271
Not after someone beats him
in the next election.
179
00:08:21,290 --> 00:08:23,243
Someone who is smart
and hard-working
180
00:08:23,259 --> 00:08:25,693
and who knows the job because
she's done it already
181
00:08:25,721 --> 00:08:28,797
and is also blond and named
Leslie and loves you.
182
00:08:29,583 --> 00:08:31,452
- Is it you?
- Yes! It is!
183
00:08:31,494 --> 00:08:32,807
I'm gonna run again.
184
00:08:32,828 --> 00:08:34,048
I'm gonna beat Dexhart!
185
00:08:34,064 --> 00:08:35,558
And Anthony Weiner.
186
00:08:36,285 --> 00:08:38,293
Another City Council campaign?
187
00:08:38,315 --> 00:08:39,742
Leslie, think about
what you're saying.
188
00:08:39,755 --> 00:08:42,421
I did. I challenge you to
find one flaw in my plan.
189
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:44,876
Well, for one, we don't even
live in Dexhart's district.
190
00:08:44,885 --> 00:08:46,236
Not yet!
191
00:08:46,256 --> 00:08:48,230
But we can go and rent
a second apartment,
192
00:08:48,241 --> 00:08:50,228
and we can spend 51%
of our time there.
193
00:08:50,247 --> 00:08:52,949
And then I'll file the campaign
form from that address.
194
00:08:52,976 --> 00:08:55,503
I don't want to spend 51%
of our time in his district.
195
00:08:55,529 --> 00:08:58,418
It's basically a dumping ground
for old shipping containers.
196
00:08:58,431 --> 00:09:01,214
- It's like a raccoon shantytown.
- Oh, it's not that bad.
197
00:09:01,242 --> 00:09:03,413
And also, Dexhart fights dirty.
198
00:09:03,426 --> 00:09:07,394
He's never lost an election because he
runs brutal, scorched-earth campaigns.
199
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:09,474
So what? I got plenty
of dirt on that scumbag.
200
00:09:09,493 --> 00:09:10,520
I say, "Bring it on."
201
00:09:10,545 --> 00:09:13,524
So I'm gonna start my negative
PR blitz against Dexhart and--
202
00:09:13,537 --> 00:09:16,599
Look, I just think we need
to take a deep breath...
203
00:09:17,249 --> 00:09:19,022
Think about
if this is really worth it.
204
00:09:19,133 --> 00:09:21,839
Anything is worth me getting
back on City Council.
205
00:09:23,212 --> 00:09:24,144
Okay.
206
00:09:24,173 --> 00:09:27,896
Let's see which one of these lucky
visionaries is gonna make me rich.
207
00:09:28,123 --> 00:09:29,837
Greg Phillips!
208
00:09:30,485 --> 00:09:33,138
- Hi, guys, thanks for meeting with me.
- Enough chitchat. What's your pitch, kid?
209
00:09:33,164 --> 00:09:35,082
Come on, time is money,
money is power,
210
00:09:35,094 --> 00:09:36,660
power is pizza,
pizza is knowledge.
211
00:09:36,693 --> 00:09:37,887
- Let's go.
- Okay.
212
00:09:37,919 --> 00:09:42,240
So my idea is for an abacus,
but on your phone.
213
00:09:42,369 --> 00:09:44,786
I call it a "phone-bacus."
214
00:09:44,998 --> 00:09:47,626
Son, you just described
a calculator.
215
00:09:47,645 --> 00:09:49,941
Hey, but you're talking
about it, right?
216
00:09:50,137 --> 00:09:51,283
Three words:
217
00:09:51,311 --> 00:09:53,782
Automated word counter.
218
00:09:53,900 --> 00:09:54,867
Get out.
219
00:09:54,892 --> 00:09:56,632
Two. Words.
220
00:09:56,652 --> 00:09:58,698
- No.
- One. Word.
221
00:09:58,746 --> 00:10:00,380
As you may know,
222
00:10:00,408 --> 00:10:02,761
I do like to tinker with
things in my garage.
223
00:10:02,790 --> 00:10:04,797
I'm gonna hit the
can while he's up.
224
00:10:04,828 --> 00:10:10,677
So I think I have discovered a way
to generate clean, renewable energy.
225
00:10:11,121 --> 00:10:12,561
I think it's gonna ch--
226
00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:16,169
- Oh! Gross!
- God, Larry.
227
00:10:16,196 --> 00:10:18,217
- You sneezed all over us!
- I'm not gonna buy that thing.
228
00:10:18,244 --> 00:10:20,117
It's covered in a gallon
of your boogers.
229
00:10:20,130 --> 00:10:21,698
I totally understand.
230
00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:27,383
Uh, jeez.
231
00:10:27,939 --> 00:10:29,853
I will be thrilled
if we have a girl.
232
00:10:29,889 --> 00:10:32,122
Oh, tiny dresses?
233
00:10:32,128 --> 00:10:34,755
Braids? Glitter on everything?
Forget it.
234
00:10:34,762 --> 00:10:36,577
And also, girls' names
are so cute.
235
00:10:36,597 --> 00:10:38,906
Daisy, Annabelle, Lilly.
236
00:10:38,929 --> 00:10:42,723
Olive, rosemary, chicken.
Fifty burritos.
237
00:10:42,736 --> 00:10:44,784
Oh, my God, I'm starving.
Miss, hi!
238
00:10:44,797 --> 00:10:46,860
I'm pregnant, and I'm
a little bit crazy.
239
00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:49,106
So if you don't bring our appetizers
out in the next 30 seconds,
240
00:10:49,133 --> 00:10:52,048
I'm gonna plunge your
face into the deep fryer!
241
00:10:52,755 --> 00:10:54,706
And also two waters, please.
But no hurry.
242
00:10:55,538 --> 00:10:56,805
Thank you.
243
00:10:56,898 --> 00:10:59,145
Leslie, I don't know if there's
a story in these emails.
244
00:10:59,187 --> 00:11:02,423
They're iffy, but Dexhart has
been elected eight times.
245
00:11:02,442 --> 00:11:04,043
I don't think the voters care.
246
00:11:04,068 --> 00:11:06,269
His poll numbers are actually up
since the scandal broke.
247
00:11:06,275 --> 00:11:09,228
Well, that's just because people found
out he was Miley Cyrus' cousin.
248
00:11:09,253 --> 00:11:10,906
- He is?
- Good morning, Leslie.
249
00:11:10,925 --> 00:11:12,394
"Sweet jugs."
250
00:11:15,362 --> 00:11:17,349
What? He's kinda cute.
251
00:11:17,358 --> 00:11:19,181
Oh, God, Shauna, no.
252
00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:21,699
I-I just feel like I
could fix him, you know?
253
00:11:23,358 --> 00:11:24,222
This sucks!
254
00:11:24,249 --> 00:11:26,459
We heard a hundred pitches,
and they're all terrible.
255
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:27,756
Change of plans.
256
00:11:27,769 --> 00:11:29,158
You guys are my idea factory.
257
00:11:29,177 --> 00:11:30,915
- April, go.
- Okay, got one.
258
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:32,819
Macaroni and poison.
259
00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:35,415
It's like mac and cheese,
but with a special ingredient.
260
00:11:35,454 --> 00:11:39,775
- Ron? - Every socket set I've ever
bought only goes up to 1/2 inch.
261
00:11:39,781 --> 00:11:41,708
I'd love a couple larger sizes.
262
00:11:41,736 --> 00:11:43,764
Take it all the way up to 5/8.
263
00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:45,289
Andy?
264
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:48,684
Bears bouncing
on trampoline roads.
265
00:11:49,791 --> 00:11:52,384
There's a chance that I
might have dreamed that.
266
00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,627
Okay, time to head
back to the office.
267
00:11:54,663 --> 00:11:56,343
I've missed an
entire day of work,
268
00:11:56,362 --> 00:11:59,453
so at least some
good came from this.
269
00:12:00,498 --> 00:12:01,745
What are you doing?
270
00:12:01,772 --> 00:12:03,128
Well, they couldn't
make a banner in time
271
00:12:03,148 --> 00:12:06,319
for my press conference,
so I am cobbling together
272
00:12:06,333 --> 00:12:08,693
a banner from all the
other discarded banners.
273
00:12:08,709 --> 00:12:12,296
"Second chunce four Lesle!
274
00:12:12,326 --> 00:12:15,642
"Perv Dexxxhrt equals...
275
00:12:16,024 --> 00:12:18,096
- birthday mouse"?
- Rat!
276
00:12:18,366 --> 00:12:20,013
Well, that's the closest
thing I could get to a rat.
277
00:12:20,749 --> 00:12:22,076
Leslie, listen to yourself.
278
00:12:22,096 --> 00:12:25,656
Loopholes, scorched-earth policies.
This isn't you.
279
00:12:25,683 --> 00:12:28,104
I cannot believe you aren't
supporting me on this!
280
00:12:28,130 --> 00:12:31,185
Dexhart has a sex scandal
the same day I'm leaving office?
281
00:12:31,212 --> 00:12:32,832
That is not a coincidence.
282
00:12:32,863 --> 00:12:34,863
- This was meant to be.
- You know what?
283
00:12:34,874 --> 00:12:36,691
Why don't we gather
everyone in here,
284
00:12:36,711 --> 00:12:38,647
you explain to them
what you're thinking,
285
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:40,213
and, uh, we get some feedback.
286
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,567
Now you're talking.
287
00:12:42,306 --> 00:12:44,281
I would be thrilled
if we had a boy.
288
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:47,047
I have perfected the art
of shaving the human face.
289
00:12:47,060 --> 00:12:48,913
And I would love to be
able to pass that on.
290
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:51,237
Toy trucks? Superhero costumes?
291
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,635
Tiny little acorn penis?
Forget it.
292
00:12:53,828 --> 00:12:54,655
A weird image.
293
00:12:54,673 --> 00:12:56,874
But one that does not
diminish my enthusiasm.
294
00:12:56,908 --> 00:13:00,594
Well, Ann Perkins, are you ready
to find out the sex of our baby?
295
00:13:01,486 --> 00:13:02,406
I'm ready.
296
00:13:02,431 --> 00:13:04,628
We are having a...
297
00:13:05,146 --> 00:13:06,649
"distributions."
298
00:13:07,257 --> 00:13:09,780
- That's what it looks like: Distributions.
- Let me see that.
299
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:12,591
It says "congratulations,"
I think.
300
00:13:12,630 --> 00:13:13,750
Then it says,
301
00:13:13,770 --> 00:13:15,530
"I... leg smurf."
302
00:13:15,563 --> 00:13:16,795
Are we having a smurf?
303
00:13:16,818 --> 00:13:20,218
We are having a...
"11-jewel toilet."
304
00:13:20,245 --> 00:13:22,514
I can't tell what's words
and what's punctuation!
305
00:13:22,547 --> 00:13:24,827
- The suspense is killing me!
- I'm calling Dr. Saperstein.
306
00:13:24,859 --> 00:13:26,465
I'm calling Domino's.
307
00:13:26,491 --> 00:13:28,044
Do you think Domino's
delivers to this restaurant?
308
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,611
- I hope so.
- Oh, no.
309
00:13:29,650 --> 00:13:31,143
He's out for the
rest of the day!
310
00:13:31,177 --> 00:13:34,957
I have literally never
been more stressed out.
311
00:13:35,294 --> 00:13:37,498
Oh, good! You guys are here!
Okay, everybody gather around.
312
00:13:37,536 --> 00:13:38,609
I have a big announcement.
313
00:13:38,638 --> 00:13:40,998
I am officially
seeking reelection
314
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:42,558
to the Pawnee City Council.
315
00:13:42,598 --> 00:13:44,544
I am gonna be running
for Dexhart's seat.
316
00:13:44,567 --> 00:13:47,323
And the campaign starts now.
317
00:13:48,793 --> 00:13:53,167
Oh, I love the sound of
silence before a big cheer.
318
00:13:53,191 --> 00:13:54,818
That's what's happening, right?
319
00:13:54,837 --> 00:13:56,244
Leslie, no offense.
320
00:13:56,263 --> 00:13:58,187
I've heard a lot
of bad ideas today.
321
00:13:58,228 --> 00:13:59,901
- This is the worst.
- April?
322
00:13:59,934 --> 00:14:02,450
I would love it if you ran
an insane campaign
323
00:14:02,464 --> 00:14:04,670
and basically turned
into the joker.
324
00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:06,686
But that means you probably
shouldn't do it.
325
00:14:06,711 --> 00:14:09,164
- Andy? - I don't know,
Leslie. It seems risky.
326
00:14:09,187 --> 00:14:11,587
And I'd hate to see you go
through another tough fight.
327
00:14:11,723 --> 00:14:13,947
But I could be wrong. I
haven't pooped in three days.
328
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,787
Okay, Ron, you have always
given me sage counsel.
329
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:19,198
And your words
carry great influence so...
330
00:14:19,409 --> 00:14:21,911
- what do you think I should do?
- I do not think you should run again.
331
00:14:21,937 --> 00:14:23,384
What the hell do you know,
Dum-Dum?
332
00:14:23,403 --> 00:14:25,609
All of you! Look,
this is my only option.
333
00:14:25,624 --> 00:14:27,490
I am running again
with or without you.
334
00:14:27,522 --> 00:14:29,906
Leslie, you're running
for office again?
335
00:14:30,047 --> 00:14:32,640
What a great idea!
How can I help?
336
00:14:32,917 --> 00:14:34,149
Ugh...
337
00:14:35,645 --> 00:14:38,044
Well, no one else brought
me good business ideas.
338
00:14:38,077 --> 00:14:40,061
So I decided to take
care of it myself.
339
00:14:41,397 --> 00:14:42,546
Talking tissue!
340
00:14:42,594 --> 00:14:45,445
Any time you pull one out, you get
a little message to hype you up.
341
00:14:45,477 --> 00:14:47,148
Blow that nose, playah!
342
00:14:47,174 --> 00:14:49,804
- No.
- This stinks.
343
00:14:50,484 --> 00:14:53,277
I'm just gonna have to go back to
my same job that I've had forever.
344
00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:54,920
Yeah, I get why
you're bummed out.
345
00:14:54,947 --> 00:14:56,160
I mean, look at me.
346
00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:58,758
I'm younger than you, and I
already have my own department.
347
00:14:58,793 --> 00:15:01,301
Plus I'm married, and I
make more money than you.
348
00:15:01,342 --> 00:15:04,129
Whatever. You just merged your department
with parks then made up your own title.
349
00:15:04,161 --> 00:15:05,277
Yeah.
350
00:15:05,288 --> 00:15:06,738
It's awesome.
351
00:15:07,236 --> 00:15:09,316
I'm empty, yo.
Fill me up.
352
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,466
Do that again.
353
00:15:16,635 --> 00:15:19,075
What could you possibly need
at 6:00 in the morning?
354
00:15:19,094 --> 00:15:21,960
We couldn't read your writing, and
we need to know the sex of our baby.
355
00:15:21,971 --> 00:15:24,464
I'm watching cartoons
with my son.
356
00:15:24,641 --> 00:15:25,608
Daddy!
357
00:15:25,628 --> 00:15:27,196
An Elmer Fudd one is on!
358
00:15:27,210 --> 00:15:28,944
Stop it. Hey, what's
up, beautiful?
359
00:15:28,964 --> 00:15:30,937
Jean-Ralphio.
I live in the guesthouse.
360
00:15:30,957 --> 00:15:33,804
What do you say you and I get
together in a special way?
361
00:15:33,826 --> 00:15:34,733
I-I'm pregnant.
362
00:15:34,751 --> 00:15:36,483
- The more the merrier.
- With my baby.
363
00:15:36,528 --> 00:15:38,223
Well, you can come too,
beautiful.
364
00:15:38,254 --> 00:15:41,009
Look at that. I guess sometimes
I call men "beautiful" too.
365
00:15:41,016 --> 00:15:44,792
I guess I'm open-minded as hell.
366
00:15:44,824 --> 00:15:46,812
And I think you're
pretty good-looking.
367
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,080
- Thank you.
- Can you just read that
368
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:49,827
and tell us what the
sex is, please?
369
00:15:49,869 --> 00:15:50,956
Wow.
370
00:15:50,994 --> 00:15:53,974
It looks like the chicken that wrote
this had a stroke on the paper.
371
00:15:54,868 --> 00:15:56,876
Listen, I-I kind of remember.
372
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:59,066
But I don't want to say
anything that's wrong.
373
00:15:59,147 --> 00:16:01,316
Give me 15 minutes.
I will get dressed.
374
00:16:01,333 --> 00:16:03,250
We'll go down
to my office. Okay.
375
00:16:03,278 --> 00:16:05,213
Well, have a good day
at work today, daddy.
376
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,769
Also, if you don't know already,
there's a malfunction with the TV,
377
00:16:08,787 --> 00:16:11,317
where it keeps ordering
porno, like, a ton of porno.
378
00:16:11,353 --> 00:16:14,135
Like, how can someone watch
that much porno in one sitting?
379
00:16:14,155 --> 00:16:15,233
Only when you're
out of the house.
380
00:16:15,252 --> 00:16:17,666
So if you see it on the bill,
that's why. Okay?
381
00:16:17,862 --> 00:16:20,315
"And therefore, with your help,
382
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:22,214
we can make our future bright.
383
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,875
I believe I still have
a lot to offer this city."
384
00:16:26,057 --> 00:16:27,884
I'd swap those two lines.
385
00:16:27,922 --> 00:16:30,407
Always helps to end on
the call to action.
386
00:16:31,096 --> 00:16:33,389
I'm sorry if it felt like
everyone piled on.
387
00:16:33,418 --> 00:16:35,285
We were just being honest.
388
00:16:35,450 --> 00:16:38,437
But if you really want to do this,
of course we'll support you.
389
00:16:38,879 --> 00:16:40,919
Thank you. I'm sorry
I stormed out.
390
00:16:41,132 --> 00:16:43,149
You know, I've been thinking
for weeks of what to get you
391
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:45,289
as a "last day in City Council"
present.
392
00:16:45,417 --> 00:16:47,057
And I finally figured it out.
393
00:16:47,079 --> 00:16:50,072
You remember Jen Barkley, political
consultant and power broker?
394
00:16:50,098 --> 00:16:52,373
Hey! Jen! What brings
you back to Pawnee?
395
00:16:52,393 --> 00:16:55,193
Ben bought one hour of my time. I
heard you need some consulting?
396
00:16:55,226 --> 00:16:57,360
Well, uh, I guess.
397
00:16:57,380 --> 00:17:01,048
- I mean, how are you? How's your family?
- Okay, I get paid $1,200 an hour.
398
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,911
Do you really wanna
spend any of that time
399
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:05,918
talking about my mother and her
19-year-old Korean husband?
400
00:17:06,552 --> 00:17:08,605
Well, that does sound fascinating.
But you're right, let's talk.
401
00:17:08,618 --> 00:17:11,001
Okay. I'll get the chair.
402
00:17:12,610 --> 00:17:14,930
Ron!
403
00:17:14,949 --> 00:17:16,583
That's how I enter rooms now.
It's more dramatic.
404
00:17:16,615 --> 00:17:18,108
Why did you enter at all?
405
00:17:18,130 --> 00:17:20,057
Because I have some huge news.
406
00:17:20,110 --> 00:17:24,362
You're looking at Pawnee's
new business liaison.
407
00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:25,973
I don't like French words.
408
00:17:25,986 --> 00:17:28,573
I do like the word "business."
You may continue.
409
00:17:28,603 --> 00:17:31,326
April created a new position for
herself, and I wanna do the same.
410
00:17:31,354 --> 00:17:33,761
The town could use more private-sector
money after the merger.
411
00:17:33,791 --> 00:17:37,491
So as business liaison, I would find
companies looking to move or expand,
412
00:17:37,518 --> 00:17:39,616
and convince them
to do it in Pawnee.
413
00:17:39,644 --> 00:17:41,644
Now this is a good idea.
414
00:17:41,915 --> 00:17:43,543
You've come a long way, son.
415
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,108
And while I got you here...
416
00:17:46,093 --> 00:17:48,145
talking tissue. Go for it.
417
00:17:48,950 --> 00:17:51,450
Yo, dog! Life is
what you make of it.
418
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:55,121
Leave while I'm ahead?
You got it.
419
00:17:57,011 --> 00:17:58,865
Clear them sinuses, playboy!
420
00:17:59,018 --> 00:18:00,146
Someone's got the sniffies.
421
00:18:00,165 --> 00:18:01,491
Tell your mama you love 'er.
422
00:18:01,511 --> 00:18:03,212
Step up your vitamin
"C" game, bro!
423
00:18:03,246 --> 00:18:05,030
So they recall me after
all I've done for them.
424
00:18:05,045 --> 00:18:05,818
Ridiculous.
425
00:18:05,831 --> 00:18:08,311
- But Dexhart now has another
sex scandal. - Of course he does.
426
00:18:08,332 --> 00:18:10,412
And the plan is I'm
gonna run for his seat.
427
00:18:10,436 --> 00:18:13,036
Because how do I lose
to a guy like that?
428
00:18:13,062 --> 00:18:14,762
- That's a great idea, right?
- It's a terrible idea.
429
00:18:14,777 --> 00:18:15,997
I knew it. Wait. What?
430
00:18:16,025 --> 00:18:18,046
First of all, you could
lose to a guy like that.
431
00:18:18,204 --> 00:18:20,464
Terrible people defeat great
people all of the time.
432
00:18:20,484 --> 00:18:22,825
I should know. Those terrible
people have paid me so much money,
433
00:18:22,838 --> 00:18:24,605
I have a condo
in every virgin island.
434
00:18:24,647 --> 00:18:26,114
Now you might win.
435
00:18:26,127 --> 00:18:28,333
You're smart, Ben is
smart, you might win.
436
00:18:28,435 --> 00:18:29,848
But why would you want to?
437
00:18:29,868 --> 00:18:31,715
Because it's my dream job.
438
00:18:31,730 --> 00:18:33,281
Then dream bigger.
439
00:18:33,451 --> 00:18:36,335
Look, you love this town. It's
being run by monsters and morons?
440
00:18:36,355 --> 00:18:37,772
Get a better job!
441
00:18:37,959 --> 00:18:40,842
Rise above their heads. Affect
change at a higher level.
442
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,414
Don't be the kid that
graduates high school,
443
00:18:42,427 --> 00:18:44,079
hangs out in the
school parking lot.
444
00:18:44,092 --> 00:18:45,857
Be the woman who moves away,
445
00:18:45,876 --> 00:18:48,150
climbs the ladder, and then
confidently comes back
446
00:18:48,163 --> 00:18:50,954
and has sex with her hot old
English teacher just for kicks.
447
00:18:51,056 --> 00:18:53,543
- Is that what you did?
- Yeah. Mr. Baker.
448
00:18:53,635 --> 00:18:55,295
Sex was pretty good,
thanks to me.
449
00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:57,576
Look, Pawnee has
done you a favor.
450
00:18:57,609 --> 00:18:59,146
You've outgrown them.
451
00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:01,527
You've got talent, and
you've got name recognition.
452
00:19:01,547 --> 00:19:06,089
Which means that you have a bright,
wide-open future with a thousand options.
453
00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:07,934
State Senate.
454
00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:09,323
Federal jobs.
455
00:19:09,451 --> 00:19:11,019
Even congress.
456
00:19:11,273 --> 00:19:13,286
All of these are doable for you.
457
00:19:13,468 --> 00:19:15,367
And you can trust me...
458
00:19:17,667 --> 00:19:21,219
because I don't care
enough about you to lie.
459
00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:24,431
Uh-oh. Oh, time's up.
460
00:19:24,444 --> 00:19:26,230
Okay, if you want
to keep talking,
461
00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:28,189
you're gonna have to pay
me 1,200 more dollars.
462
00:19:28,215 --> 00:19:29,570
- I just need--
- No, I swear to God,
463
00:19:29,589 --> 00:19:32,428
if you say one more word, you
will legally owe me $1,200,
464
00:19:32,448 --> 00:19:34,816
and I will sue you.
Let's not end it like that.
465
00:19:34,833 --> 00:19:37,560
Okay, great to see you, Leslie.
Those five words are on me.
466
00:19:37,746 --> 00:19:39,965
Should I move this back?
Don't answer it!
467
00:19:40,926 --> 00:19:42,806
I don't know what
you're thinking, but
468
00:19:42,854 --> 00:19:45,349
you have a press
conference in ten minutes.
469
00:19:47,689 --> 00:19:49,255
Well, this is it...
470
00:19:49,279 --> 00:19:50,776
The final moment..
471
00:19:51,439 --> 00:19:52,931
What are you hoping for?
472
00:19:53,129 --> 00:19:55,801
I will honestly be
happy either way.
473
00:19:55,889 --> 00:19:56,849
Me too.
474
00:19:56,876 --> 00:19:58,470
Boy or girl,
475
00:19:58,498 --> 00:19:59,798
it doesn't matter.
476
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,945
Because it will literally be
477
00:20:01,975 --> 00:20:04,262
the greatest child
who's ever lived.
478
00:20:04,614 --> 00:20:06,865
You swear you have
no preference?
479
00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:07,918
You?
480
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:09,557
Not at all.
481
00:20:10,211 --> 00:20:11,908
Who's ready? Raise your hand.
482
00:20:12,093 --> 00:20:14,267
- It's a boy!
- Yes!
483
00:20:14,295 --> 00:20:15,831
I thought you didn't
have a preference.
484
00:20:15,850 --> 00:20:17,793
I didn't. I just really
wanted it to be a boy.
485
00:20:17,819 --> 00:20:19,000
Me too.
486
00:20:19,013 --> 00:20:20,280
I don't know why.
487
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:21,998
You guys are just so neat.
488
00:20:22,219 --> 00:20:24,476
Would you be interested
in adopting my children?
489
00:20:24,489 --> 00:20:26,850
They're in their late 20s,
they're terrible.
490
00:20:26,868 --> 00:20:28,108
No? No go?
491
00:20:29,093 --> 00:20:30,990
I ask all my patients.
492
00:20:31,727 --> 00:20:34,976
I've gathered you all here today
because I have an announcement,
493
00:20:35,002 --> 00:20:37,722
a very big announcement,
about my future.
494
00:20:40,175 --> 00:20:42,566
I will be heading to lunch today
495
00:20:42,591 --> 00:20:44,231
with my husband.
496
00:20:44,432 --> 00:20:45,711
At JJ's diner.
497
00:20:45,737 --> 00:20:47,284
We will eat waffles.
498
00:20:47,303 --> 00:20:50,110
And then we will go home
and make out on our couch.
499
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:51,867
That is my future.
500
00:20:52,194 --> 00:20:53,536
For now.
501
00:20:55,642 --> 00:20:57,856
It's been an honor
to serve this town.
502
00:20:59,632 --> 00:21:02,132
And I will cherish the
memories forever.
503
00:21:03,399 --> 00:21:04,306
Thank you.
504
00:21:04,326 --> 00:21:05,972
- Ms. Knope!
- There you have it.
505
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,280
A shockingly unshocking
press conference
506
00:21:08,293 --> 00:21:12,273
in which a recently unemployed
woman said nothing of importance.
507
00:21:12,309 --> 00:21:16,471
I'm Perd Hapley, and I just realized
I'm not holding my microphone.
508
00:21:16,871 --> 00:21:19,263
Jen Barkley telling
me I had a future was
509
00:21:19,295 --> 00:21:21,770
the best present I could
have got. Thank you.
510
00:21:21,799 --> 00:21:22,686
You're welcome.
511
00:21:22,711 --> 00:21:25,859
But, I did get you one other present
to take your mind off all this.
512
00:21:25,878 --> 00:21:28,416
Aww, you are the sweetest
man in the world. Where is it?
513
00:21:28,449 --> 00:21:31,016
Well, it's not here.
514
00:21:31,068 --> 00:21:32,685
We have to go get it.
515
00:21:43,173 --> 00:21:46,423
In times of stress or in
moments of transition,
516
00:21:46,449 --> 00:21:49,795
sometimes it can feel like the
whole world is closing in on you.
517
00:21:50,090 --> 00:21:54,287
When that happens, you should close
your eyes, take a deep breath,
518
00:21:54,322 --> 00:21:57,264
listen to the people that love you
when they're giving advice,
519
00:21:57,485 --> 00:21:59,586
and remember what really matters.
520
00:21:59,684 --> 00:22:03,125
And, if you have the ability
to go to Paris, by all means,
521
00:22:03,162 --> 00:22:04,202
go to Paris!
522
00:22:04,219 --> 00:22:05,979
- I found one!
- Oh, great!
523
00:22:06,009 --> 00:22:08,100
- Mm, right here.
- Yeah?
524
00:22:18,995 --> 00:22:25,995
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