What do you mean,
you can't?
Look, I am throwing
a farewell party
for my best friend,
Ann Perkins.
And if she casually mentioned
three years ago
that she thought
indoor fireworks
would be cool,
then guess what,
you're going to give
me indoor fireworks.
Tonight's biggest surprise
is five years in the making.
It all goes back to when
I first met my best friend.
I'm here to talk about
the abandoned lot
on Sullivan Street.
I've been trying
to get this thing
fixed for months.
And it's government-owned,
and you need to do
something about it.
I will help you.
Is that a promise?
It's more than a promise.
It's a pinky promise.
That promise launched
a friendship so grand,
it takes 103 scrapbooks
to capture it.
I have secretly arranged
to officially break ground
on Pawnee Commons at midnight,
fulfilling my pinky promise
that I made five years ago.
Aw, Ice Cream
Sandwich Taste Test.
That was our biggest fight.
Hey, Knope.
Harold.
You're breaking ground on
the Pawnee Commons tonight?
Public Works never
signed off on that.
Look, your office was
giving me a hard time,
so I had to call
in a few favors.
I don't like it when
people go over my head.
Understood.
I will make a note of that.
Would you like a treat?
I run that department,
and I do not appreciate...
Damn, that's really good.
Right?
There's going to
be a lot of these
at the party.
You should come by.
I get it.
I know what you're doing.
And I still...
Is there a little
crunch in there?
Hazelnut.
Oh.
Oh, right?
See you tonight.
Okay. Well, let's go
set up this party.
April, thank you.
I know you may tease Ann,
but deep down inside,
I can tell that
you really care.
Ann's leaving town...
And saying painful
goodbyes to loved ones.
Greatest day of my life.
Thank you all so
much for helping me
with these boxes.
I'm just a little behind.
Because every time I start,
I get...
A little emotional.
Hey, that box
has my name on it.
Hey, this one
has my name on it.
This one
has Plates'
name on it.
You have just found
your Buddy Boxes.
Each box contains
a memento of our friendship.
I was going to give
them to you later,
but there is no time
like the present.
Fun pun alert.
A bronzed hamburger.
It's from our turkey versus
beef cook-off. Remember?
You were a worthy adversary.
I would have preferred
a regular hamburger
for eating,
but this is very nice.
2008 Indiana State Audit
spreadsheets?
Man, that year was insane.
That was the year you went
from being an auditor
to a legend.
Whoa!
A picture of me officiating
Leslie and Ben's wedding.
And look, you can
just about see my head.
Thank you so much.
Snake Juice.
I thought these were
destroyed by the FDA.
I did have to go to a very
seedy location to find it.
But, now I know where to go to
place a bet on horse fighting.
Okay, don't mention
anything about
the groundbreaking to Ann.
Repeat that back to me.
Tell Ann about
the groundbreaking,
frame Ann for murder,
release a deadly virus
into the water supply.
Good. Oh.
Bon Voyage, Ann.
My God. This is amazing.
That's sparkling cider.
Why is there a New Year Eve
countdown clock
and the Easter Bunny?
I don't know when
we're going to be able
to visit each other.
So, just to be safe,
this party is a celebration
of every event
that's going to
happen this year.
Your birthday,
New Year's, Chinese
New Year's, Flag Day.
"Ain't no party like
a Leslie Knope party,
"because a Leslie Knope party
is actually 30 parties."
Knope, you have
out Knoped yourself.
Ha-ha, seems like
the party's dying down.
Weird.
Ann, you probably want to
head to Michigan forever.
So, I snuck into your house
and packed a bag for you.
Goodbye.
This is just a bunch
of bras and knives.
And loose onions.
Okay. Party.
Don't drink.
Have fun.
Hey. So, we have a little
farewell gift for you.
We all pitched in
and got you a gift card
from that home store,
Pots and Pans.
We have been on the prowl
for some amazing pots.
Well, that card's
for three pans.
Either way, this is great.
You know what?
We should get to
the goodbye party.
Although, I know
it's mostly for Ann.
Yeah. But there's, like,
one corner for you,
and it's just
carob cookies
and berries.
Carob cookies and
berries are literally
my favorite
dessert alternative.
I'll go get changed.
He put a lot of work
into our presents.
I feel kind of bad just
getting him a gift card.
I also shook
his hand. Twice.
Anything more than that
would be excessive.
Let all put our heads
together and brainstorm.
We've got to send this dude
off with the perfect gift.
I say we start
with the three C's.
Cashmere, concert tickets,
caboodles of cash.
I feel like those are
perfect gifts for you.
Those are perfect
gifts for anyone. Ugh!
I wish you guys were Donna.
I'm a hundred
percent sure
that I will not meet
another Donna Meagle
in Michigan.
I'm going to miss you.
You know I'm
going to miss you,
too, Perkins.
But now that
you're officially out
of the dating pool,
you know I'm going to
run this town. Right?
Mmm.
Oh, yeah, you do not
want to go down that road.
Trust me. I tried.
Hi, Stephen.
Hey, Ann.
Super cute baby bump.
Thanks.
Good looking out.
Hey, Ron.
Have you seen April?
I've been mostly
focused on these ribs.
By the way,
you're out of Easter ham
and Thanksgiving turkey.
Great party.
Hey, are you on the lot?
Is everything okay?
Uh, not really.
Public Works put
up a giant padlock
on the fence,
and a sign that says,
"No Trespassing."
That probably
doesn't apply to us.
There also a sign that says,
"Especially Leslie Knope."
Well, Leslie Knope
is a very common name.
There a Professor
in Copenhagen named
Leslie Knope.
They probably mean him.
Do they mean the professor?
Yeah, there's
a picture of you, also.
And two huge
security guards.
Holy mother of Malia.
And Sasha.
I love them both equally.
Okay. It's that stupid
Harold who's behind this.
Get here and
we will make a plan.
How long do
I have to do this?
Until I say so, Orin.
Stay in character.
Leslie can't watch anything
with Julie Andrews
in it before bedtime
because it gets her too hyper.
Okay. If Chris gets
cranky around noon,
just stuff some
chia seeds into a fig.
Works every time.
Awesome. Thank you.
Wow, we really picked
some intense people to
spend our lives with, huh?
Yeah.
Where's Leslie?
I haven't seen
her in a while.
Oh, she's just running
around trying to pull off
an elaborate, thoughtful
surprise for you.
Of course.
Where's Chris?
I told him that One Headlight
by the Wallflowers
isn't dancing music
and he said,
"Not with that attitude."
Of course.
Dude. Ann.
You know what
I just remembered?
We used to date.
Yeah, we lived together
for two years.
I know. It's crazy, right?
Anyways, you're the best.
Have fun in Mexico.
Harold,
it is Leslie Knope again.
I know you are
screening my calls.
But if you could
call me back...
And his voicemail is full.
Did you have any luck?
I flipped through the bylaws.
I don't think there's
anything I can do.
What is the point
of being married
to a City Manager
if he can't wield unfettered
power to crush my enemies?
Hopefully, there are
a few other reasons.
Yeah.
Looks like we hit a wall.
Oh, God.
April? Are you okay?
What happening?
I'm just so scared
that this means that
Ann won't really leave.
Life, huh?
It's quite a ride.
Yes, Tom. It is.
I got you
a going away present.
I'm deleting
you from my phone.
You're finally
free of my animal
magnetism.
Maybe one day,
years from now,
when we're both old
and Chris is dead,
you'll run into me somewhere.
I'll be opening
my latest mega club.
And I'll see you
there on the street,
by yourself.
I'll tell the bouncer,
slash my bodyguard,
"Hey, that woman's way
too old to get into
this club.
"But why don't you
let her in the back?"
That's very generous.
Stay golden,
sweetheart.
I'm going to
miss you, too, Tom.
You're kind and
you're thoughtful,
and you're always
such a delight to
have around.
I am sure you
are going to be
an incredible mother.
Thanks, Larry.
That nice.
Goodbye, Ann.
I have enjoyed parts
of our time together.
Oh, God, Ron.
That was really something.
Okay.
What do we have
for Chris?
I got this
City of Pawnee mug.
Also, this cool jacket.
No, I think that
Chris' jacket.
Okay, good.
Then, we know he likes it.
Catch up, Larry.
Okay. I found some
old receipts from lunches
we had together.
Is that anything?
This is my contribution.
It says "Ron."
Hey, guys.
What's going on?
Oh, we're just giving you
a bunch of cool gifts.
Oh, God.
Get your hopes up, Chris.
Let's see what's in here.
I see assorted items
and some pieces of paper.
Boom. Nailed it. All right.
Now, we can start
enjoying this party.
Leslie, this is
the most incredible event
that has ever been thrown.
There is a pilgrim
line dancing with
a box of candies.
Why do you look
so bummed out?
We were planning
a surprise groundbreaking
at Pawnee Commons for you.
You know, an actual beginning
to the project that
brought us together.
But now we can't do it,
because Harold is
such a jerk face
he put a barbed-wire
fence around the lot,
and now it's not happening.
I'm sorry, Ann.
First of all, don't apologize.
And second of all,
screw Harold.
If I learned
one thing from
Leslie Knope,
it is we do not take
"no" for an answer.
Anything is possible
if we work hard enough.
Let's do it.
Oh, my God. Ann Perkins
to the rescue. Okay.
Hands in, everybody.
One, two, three.
Let's go.
Dark forces arise.
Okay, I didn't plan
what we were
all going to say.
That's my bad.
Here we go, Ann.
Let's go.
Okay. Knock
or ring the bell?
Bust in unannounced.
Love it.
Harold.
What the hell, Knope?
We need the key to the fence
that you put up on
the Sullivan Street lot.
You snuck around
behind my back.
I told you I didn't like that.
Forget it.
Come on, Harold, look.
This is a great opportunity
you have right now.
Just think of us
as your genies
who can give you
anything you want.
Nothing gross.
Okay, yeah.
There is something I want.
Super Fizzy Fruity Pop.
Sorry?
Sweetums used to
stock our office
with free sodas,
as a promotional thing,
but that Kathryn Pinewood
lady just took them away.
If you can get us
our free sodas back,
I'll get you a key.
Deal.
Easy.
It is not easy.
Kathryn Pinewood is
the person on Earth
who hates me the most.
Well, luckily,
you're with the person
on Earth who
loves you the most.
Too cheesy?
No, it's perfect.
I love you.
Don't leave. Come on.
Donna, you are
a remarkable woman.
And I just wanted to say
that I've always
thought of you as family.
I just want to
say that I've always
thought you were hot.
Yes, I know. April.
Yeah, you saw a lot
of potential in me,
I'm like a daughter to you,
and it was a treat
to watch me blossom.
Blah, blah, blah, bye.
That is remarkably close
to what I was going to say.
Also, I'm proud of you.
Donna, are you
grabbing my butt?
Can you blame me?
No.
Sorry. Can't help you,
ladies.
I don't have time for
disgraced former politicians
and unmarried preggos.
Oh, Kathryn,
always a delight.
Listen. I know that
you and Leslie
have had your
disagreements
in the past,
but we really need the key.
And we can only get the key,
if we get the sodas. Please?
I don't see why
I should do you
any favors.
I mean, if you were still
a city councilor, maybe.
But I seem to remember
you were recalled.
Is that right?
How dare you.
Okay. Leslie.
Please.
It's not worth it.
For you.
For me, I don't care.
What the hell?
Yeah, Pinewood,
that's right.
I'm pregnant and I have
you in a headlock.
And if you
try to fight back,
I will sue you.
Unless, you tell us
how to get those sodas,
right now.
Okay. Fine. Sweetums
has been desperately
trying to get a local
celebrity spokesman
to endorse their
new sports drink.
So, if you can make
that happen somehow,
they'll give you
whatever you want.
Damn, Perkins.
Okay. Who does Sweetums
want as their spokesperson?
They already tried to get me
to endorse that sports drink.
I said, "No."
They want me
dunking on the label.
When is this town
going to realize that
I'm more than a former
high school basketball star?
I don't think
this new sports drink
is even about basketball.
It's called
"Sweetums Dunktastic
Threepoint BBall Blast."
The slogan is,
"It's all about basketball."
I'm sorry. You're going to
have to find yourself some
other famous Pawneean.
We know that you
were already approached
by Sweetums and
you said, "No,"
but is there any way
you would reconsider?
I'm sorry, Ms. Knope.
There is such a thing
as journalistic integrity,
and it is something that
I have, as a journalist,
with integrity.
It's really important, Perd.
Please?
Come on.
For old times' sake?
Well, the story of that
appeal is it was heartfelt.
And in response
to that appeal,
I respond, okay.
"For old times' sake?"
Does that mean...
No. Ann,
you tricky minx.
Yeah. I went on
a date with Perd.
What?
It was during that
"explore my freedom
as a single woman"
phase.
Wow.
We just had a drink.
And at the end, he said,
"I am going to kiss you now,
"by putting my mouth
on your mouth."
Then, I ran away.
It was absolutely
the right call.
Well, we could just
tell him the truth.
That we feel bad
that we didn't get
him anything nice.
Tell the truth?
That's hilarious. No.
We tell him we had
the perfect gift,
but we were
robbed at gunpoint.
"Chris. He had a gun.
He took all the gifts."
Now, Chris feels bad.
He's buying us gifts.
Next thing you know,
Tommy's got a new watch.
Again,
I don't see the problem.
I shook the man's hand. Twice.
Guys. Look what I got
at the Presidents' Day booth.
"Ask not what your
country can do for you."
From Family Guy, right?
Listen, Chris, we have
to tell you something.
We feel bad
because you got us such
thoughtful gifts
and we got you...
Three pans and
a bag of nothing.
Guys, I don't need
anything from you.
My Buddy Boxes
are about the past,
but let's focus on the future.
Because we're always
going to be friends.
And just the fact
that you feel bad about
your bag of nothing,
proves that.
To the future.
Cheers. To the future.
Cheers.
Future.
I have an idea.
Don't you ladies
ever knock?
No.
Okay. So, we got Perd Hapley
to sign on with Sweetums,
which means that you
get your sodas back.
Which means that
we get our key.
Okay? Everything's
here in writing.
Now call off your guards.
Okay, fine.
You two are a couple
of real pains in the ass,
you know that?
Harold.
Your tiny brain could
not understand this,
but that is
the best compliment
you could ever give
the two women standing
in front of you.
Bye, Harold.
Victory at last.
Whoo! All right.
You're all set.
Okay. I am going
to call the official
ceremonial ribbon cutting guy,
because I think we
may have missed him.
What are you doing?
It's for the raccoons.
You have to hiss
really loud and stomp
your feet so
they'll leave you alone.
And if one comes close,
make yourself really large,
like a puffer fish.
The Pawnee raccoons.
That is one thing
I will not miss.
Well, Michigan has wolverines.
Maybe they'll eat your toes.
So, how long do you think
you'll stay in Pawnee for?
I don't know.
We like it here.
I made Andy promise
that someday we'll
move to Transylvania.
But that probably
won't happen until
we're, like, 100.
Well, for what it worth,
I'm really happy
that you and Andy
are married.
Why?
Why? Because
I love him and I love you.
Why wouldn't I be happy?
I love you, too.
What's that?
I love you, too.
I couldn't quite hear you.
Please don't make me say it.
Please.
My going away present to you
will be that I do not make you
audibly say that you love me.
Thank you.
Okay, Leslie's coming back.
Get off me, wench.
Did I miss a nice moment?
No.
Yes, you did.
Aw, good.
Guys. What are you
doing here? Come in.
You caught me before
my first run of the day.
I call it my beat
the sun run.
It's a race between
me and the sun.
Well, we got
one more gift for you.
It's quarter-sawn
zebra wood,
adjoined by floating tenons
to the black
walnut corner posts,
finished with a wiping
varnish that a secret
Swanson family recipe.
Handmade at my woodshop.
And you are correct,
it is gorgeous.
You're starting a new life
with your new family.
So, it's an empty Buddy Box
to fill with memories
for your little buddy.
Or Twizzlers.
That's the beautiful
thing about a box.
We all burned
our initials in. See?
Wait a minute.
Who's G.J.L.G.G.?
That Gary Jerry
Larry Gergich Gengurch.
I burned in all my names.
I really...
I didn't know what to do.
Well... Um, thank you.
Um...
This tear, um,
caused by the overwhelming
thoughtfulness of my friends,
will be my baby's
first memory.
Saltwater will warp the wood,
so keep your
tears in your eyes
where they belong.
Will do, Ron Swanson.
Can I still call you
when I have thoughts on
Jennifer Aniston's future?
Not if I call you first.
Can we still be on the phone
for every State of
the Union address
and every Oscar
red carpet coverage
and every single
viewing of Tootsie?
Of course.
Oh, Ann Perkins.
You perfect sunflower.
You totally changed me.
You know?
You taught me how
to balance my life,
how to be patient,
how to be more patient.
Yeah, that's better.
How to throw
bureaucratic caution
to the wind when
it came to Ben.
But most importantly,
you taught me that I can't
pull off a tulip skirt.
It's just not your shape.
Well, I don't think
the ceremonial
ribbon cutting guy
is going to make it.
Either he flaked,
or he tripped and impaled
himself on his
own giant scissors.
We wait for no man.
Let's do this.
One, two, three.
Oh!
All right, I got my park.
That's all I wanted from you.
Friendship over.
Don't even joke
about that, Ann.
It was your idea
to give me that box.
Ah, it was
a group effort.
But it had that
trademark Ben Wyatt
mix of thoughtful
and resourceful.
You're literally
the best friend
that I will ever have.
You, too, man.
Leslie Knope.
Chris Traeger.
I just want to say
that getting to know you,
and watching you work,
has been one of the greatest
experiences of my life.
That, and working
with Dr. Richard Nygard.
Sure.
And I just want you
to know that I thought
there was no man on Earth
good enough
for Ann Perkins.
And I still think that.
Right.
But if there is
no one actually
good enough for her,
you are pretty damn close.
Okay. Well.
This is normal.
No big deal.
Drive safe.
We will.
I packed you some
sandwiches and some
caffeine free iced tea.
So... Oh, and there's
a mix CD that I made,
already loaded in your car.
There's a lot of
Sarah McLachlan.
So, Chris, I apologize.
Things are going
to get emotional.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Breakfast, Knope?
Oh, I don't know.
Come on.
There's has never
been a sadness
that can't be cured
by breakfast food.
That's fair.
Someone else is
going to have
to drive, though.
My eyes are basically
useless right now.
I'm on it.
Shotgun.
I called shotgun.
You're all nailed.
I call sitting on your lap.
You can't. Double shotgun.
We called double shotgun.
How come people
don't do that more often?
It's illegal?
Raise your hand
if you want waffles.
I'm eating waffles.
Bacon and eggs,
please and thank you.