"Leslie Knope and
Ben Wyatt were married
"one year ago this week
at the Pawnee City Hall.
"The bride wore a gown
made by her friend,
Ann Perkins.
"And the groom wore
a butt so perfect,
"it could make
an angel hang itself."
You wrote this, didn't you?
I did.
They cut it way down.
Thank God. Okay.
So, the big day
is tomorrow.
So, let's go
over this again.
What are
the anniversary rules?
At least 100 kisses,
dinner at 7:00,
and no gifts.
That's right. No gifts.
No gifts.
Oh, I'm getting
him a gift.
I always say that
I'm not going to
get him a gift,
and Ben always believes me.
And then, bam.
I surprise him with
the best gift of all time.
He makes the cutest,
dopiest face
when he's surprised.
It's like, "What!"
I'm not going to make
my stupid surprise
face this year
because this time,
I got her the most
amazing gift ever.
And she'll never see
it coming because I'm
giving it to her today.
One day early.
So, she's going to
make the face this year.
She will make
that stupid face!
Additional support
for Pawnee Public Radio
comes from the Edgar C.
and Janis R. Lumway
Foundation,
and the Richard
and Lois Wallenberg
Foundation Foundation.
Dedicated to the idea
that all human beings
deserve a chance to
hear about foundations.
Welcome to Thought
For Your Thoughts.
I'm your Pawneean host,
Derry Murbles.
And I'm your Eagletonian host,
August Clementine.
Yes. If you have not heard
our program in a while,
Thought For Your Thoughts
now has a co-host,
thanks to
the Pawnee-Eagleton merger.
I believe that is the
"Eagleton-Pawnee merger,"
n'est-ce pas?
I'd like to apologize
to our listeners
for my co-host's
sudden and violent
outburst just now.
Our guest is former
City Councilwoman
Leslie Knope.
Leslie, thought...
For your thoughts,
I said it.
Absorb the aggression, Derry.
Absorb the aggression.
Well, I just want
to say thank you so
much for having me.
It is a thrill to be here.
As a listener,
I think the merging
of your two shows
has really created
such a big, quiet,
arcane ball of fun.
It's been a couple of months
since Pawnee and
Eagleton officially merged.
Things are going okay.
There's still
a little animosity
between the two towns.
I haven't seen
Pawneeans this mad
since Frankie's
discontinued their pizza
stuffed crust pizza.
It was a pizza
whose crust was stuffed
with little pizzas.
And the crusts of
those little pizzas
was made of chocolate.
Ms. Knope, I understand
you're here today
to try to convince us
that this disastrous
merger of our two towns was,
in any way, a good idea.
Yes, there were some
bumps and bruises,
and a brief rash of arson,
and a rather
large-scale brawl
at the dump.
But overall, the state
of the merger
is very strong.
Scoff.
Did you just say
the word "scoff"?
You must admit, Ms. Knope,
that the merging
of the towns has been
fraught with antipathy.
For example, I now
have to share my studio
with a fatuous twerp
who shall remain nameless.
This "twerp" has a name.
And it's August N'gutu
Liebowitz-Clementine.
Guys? Hello?
Thank you so much
for letting me help
plan your anniversary.
It is so wonderful
to be part of
such a special day.
Okay. Remember,
under no circumstances
can Leslie know
about what's going on.
She has to make that face.
Do you understand?
I don't, fully.
But my lips are sealed.
I asked for Larry's
help because he has the
most successful
marriage of anyone I know.
To a gorgeous woman.
Which, honestly,
is still a mystery to me.
Was it a hypnosis
accident or something,
where they put Gayle under
and made her fall
in love with Larry
and never said the magic word
to snap her out of it?
Like, if I say "nutmeg,"
will she wake up
and start screaming?
What kind of pet are you
interested in adopting?
We have dogs, cats, rabbits...
Um, I work here, so,
legally, you can adopt me.
The girls want
an actual dog,
and they want it
to look like this.
Interesting.
So, like a banana
made of spiders?
I've said it before
and I'll say it again.
Children are terrible artists.
And artists are crooks.
I think I know a good dog.
There he is.
Ron, how about this guy?
Yes, he is a handsome fellow.
Hello, dog.
I'll take him.
That was easy. Awesome.
Well, Donna can help you
get started on the paperwork.
Donna?
Oh. God, she's always
just leaving and not
telling me.
Hello, caller.
You have a comment?
Yeah. Ever since the merger,
we've had a really
bad trash problem.
Well, yes,
there has been
some confusion
with some of
the garbage routes,
and the Sanitation Department
is stretched a little thin...
No, I mean
Eagletonians are
human garbage,
and we should throw
them in a dumpster.
Ka-pow!
Yeah, I really
like the merger,
but I hate that
Eagleton was forced
to join Pawnee.
Well, that's what
the merger is.
Oh. Yeah, then,
I hate the merger.
I think
the merger was great.
And I think Leslie
Knope did an amazing job.
I don't know who
this is, but I agree.
It's Andy.
Hey.
I'm on the radio.
Well, that's all the time
we have on
Thought For Your Thoughts.
I'm Derry Murbles.
And I'm August Clementine,
and I talked last.
Good day.
Is this land mine
still functional?
Partially.
Why?
Because I want to
blow up Donna's desk
so I can teach her a lesson
about what happens
when you skip work.
I'm not sure that's how
you should go about this.
I'm kind of her boss now,
but I still feel
weird disciplining her.
What do I do?
Look her in the eyes
and tell her exactly
what you need from her.
Be mature, direct and firm.
What? Some fool just
slammed me on Yelp.
I took Ron's advice.
I very maturely and
straight-forwardly
left anonymous comments
about Donna online.
"Stopped by to adopt a dog,
"but the employee,
Donna Meagle,
was nowhere to be found.
"Thanks for nothing,
Donna Meagle. Boo."
With five "O's."
Oh, my God,
that sucks.
Just have to work
harder, I guess, huh?
This freak thinks he
can hide behind some
anonymous username?
I'm about to
hunt you down.
Don't be upset, Leslie.
No one listens to the radio.
I wasn't even listening.
I was listening to podcasts.
Podcasts are great.
Radio is boring.
Tom, this merger
needs a win.
Something symbolic
and bright and happy
that will show
that there's a light
at the end of the tunnel.
God, I am so stressed.
Uh, Leslie, may I
borrow you for a second?
Something very
special to show you.
Now is not the time, Larry.
Please leave.
I think you...
Larry. What are
you still doing here?
Oh, geez. Okay.
I just wish Pawnee
and Eagleton were
as happy as Ben and me.
Yeah, by the way,
I was going to mention,
you look really
old in this picture.
What?
Andy, this is
the picture of us.
This is the picture
of an elderly couple,
Rosie and Doug DeMarco.
They've been
married for 50 years.
"Rosie hails from Pawnee,
while Doug
"is originally from
the former Eagleton."
Oh, my God. This is perfect.
A Pawnee-Eagleton couple
that has been
married for 50 years
is a perfect symbol
of how our
towns can get along.
And we are going
to hold them up
as an example of
Pawnee-Eagleton unity.
Whoo! I'm getting
the epiphany sweats.
Stop where you are and
take off your clothes.
It's couples massage.
Ugh! Where's Leslie?
Oh, Well, she seemed
kind of stressed out,
and then she yelled at me
and she said she
was too busy to come.
And since you had said,
"Do not tell her
the secret under
any circumstance,"
I felt...
Oh, man.
Well, that's
the danger of doing things
a day early, I guess.
Should I text her,
try again?
Why don't you just go ahead,
get your massage,
and then, hopefully,
we can get her in
for the next thing.
Okay. I have been
kind of tense lately,
just thinking about
the new Star Wars sequel.
I'm afraid they're going
to rely too heavily on CGI,
and I'm carrying it
all in my shoulders.
Just you?
You paid for a couple.
Well, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but, uh...
Larry, would you like to get
a couple's massage with me?
I would love to.
Are you sure we
should do this?
The last time we
scared an old person,
Larry had a heart attack.
That was awesome.
He farted so much.
Okay, look. Obviously,
we don't really
know these people,
so let's keep things
fun and positive and
celebratory and merger-y.
Can I help you?
Hello, Mrs. DeMarco.
I am Leslie Knope,
and we saw your announcement
in the newspaper,
and we would love to
treat you and your husband
to a very special day.
All right.
How much money did we win?
Oh, no, you didn't win any
money. You won something
better than money.
A golden
anniversary celebration.
So, no money?
No.
And I'm now just realizing
how misleading
this giant check is.
Told you.
Yes, you did, Tom.
Thank you.
Now's not the time.
We... Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!
Uh... We'll give
you some money. Okay?
Here. Here's some money.
Everybody, give them money.
I've got football cards
and a travel mouthwash.
Wow, that's great!
Let's get started!
Just give me the I.P.
address of the dude
that gave me that
cracked-out Yelp review.
Okay, here we go.
The I.P. address says
it came from
someone inside City Hall.
In this building?
Oh, hell, no.
Well, who cares,
really. It's just some
dumb Internet person.
Ignore it.
Ignore it?
I'm about to come
down on this dude
like Thor's hammer, Mjolnir.
I'm about to go
Mjolnir on his ass.
Speaking of bad reviews...
Computers are
mostly pointless.
But that Yelp thing
gave me a great idea
on how to criticize
people and places.
I am composing
strongly-worded letters
about things I disapprove of,
and I am using the Internet
to get addresses
where I can send them.
So far, I have
written to a vegetable farm,
several European ambassadors,
a manufacturer of male cologne
and a non-fat
frozen yogurt bar.
"Dear frozen yogurt,
you are the celery
of desserts.
"Be ice cream, or be nothing.
"Zero stars."
Oh, I cannot wait for
Leslie to see this surprise.
I am so prepared.
I watched Enchanted
three times to get
all the details right.
And then, another
two times because
that movie is amazing.
Oh, it really is.
Hello?
Oh, hey, Leslie. Uh...
You want to go
grab lunch together?
I'm out front. Super casual.
Sorry, babe,
I'm not even in my office.
I'm out saving the merger.
Can it wait?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No worries.
Okay. Great.
I'll see you at dinner.
I love you.
Oh, boy.
Well, it's not too
late to cancel
the waffle buffet or
the Hillary impersonator,
but a lot of these deposits
were non-refundable.
Oh.
Hey, Larry,
you up for a boys' day out
in a horse-drawn carriage?
Sure. What the heck.
Well, thus begins our
Enchanted adventure.
God, that movie
really was amazing.
You know what
doesn't get enough
credit in that movie?
Music.
The score.
Good sir, tally-ho.
Kind sir,
that's from the movie!
That is definitely
from the movie.
Okay, you two.
Head on up there.
We are going to recreate
your wedding photo
from 50 years ago.
Okay.
Let's re-live that day.
Only this time,
could we shave
her mustache?
Oh, boy, I don't know.
I'm kind of worried
about putting
these two on live TV.
They're sort of grumpy.
Why are we wasting
our time with these
old people anyway?
They're like the old
version of iTunes.
We're like the new
version of iTunes, baby.
We're going to
be here forever.
Oh, my God.
I'm going to die someday.
Well, let's just hope
that deep down,
these two still
love each other.
Hey. No touching.
This is not your birthday.
Now, you see,
the trick with paella
is to use just enough saffron
to complement the shellfish.
Okay.
Oh, man, that is so good.
Oh, yeah.
Wow. Isn't this exciting?
In just a few minutes,
you are going to be
professing your
love on television.
Could I have a glass
of water before we go on?
Don't give him any water.
He does this annoying thing
where every time he
takes a drink of water,
he goes... Aah!
She does this annoying thing
where every time she
takes a drink of water,
she's an old nag.
Ah! The playful banter
of a couple on the same team.
That's what this is, right?
All right,
let's burn this candle.
Hey, Joan, if we could
just have a moment.
We need to get ready.
Oh, no, no,
we've got to go. Yeah,
the uppers are kicking in.
Just took some ludes
to kind of smooth it out.
So, I'm right
in that sweet spot.
Got about 20 minutes before
I either get really
tired or really horny.
So, let's roll.
Dougie, are you
sure you want
to go on television?
You look like
a leather glove got
caught in a lawn mower.
Okay. You know what?
I'm going to admit something.
I orchestrated
the Pawnee-Eagleton merger,
and I was hoping
that your marriage
could show people
that a happy
union is possible.
So, when you're out there,
if you could just, you know,
look back over
the past 50 years together
and focus on
the good times. Okay?
Donna, you wanted to see me?
Yes, I did, troll.
What?
You tried to
adopt a cat last week,
and I turned you
down because I thought
it was too sad for
you to have six cats.
Then, you tried to
blow up my spot online.
You're fired.
You're not my boss.
I work for the City
Attorney's office.
You're fired.
How much postage
does it take to send
a letter to Canada?
Who is it going to?
Canada.
It says, "Dear Canada,
you."
Doug and Rosie DeMarco.
Fifty years.
Aah.
Tell us how you first met.
Well, it was 1963
and we met,
and it was great.
Isn't love grand?
Fifty years of marriage,
helping to bridge
the meaningless divide
between Pawnee and Eagleton.
Yeah. My show,
my questions.
So, what is the secret
sauce that we should
all be putting on
our marriage burgers?
Well, we never
go to bed angry.
Never, ever would
have thought of that.
Aah.
Okay. I can't
do this.
Leslie, you can
keep your money.
Money?
Did you bribe
them to be here?
No. I...
Leslie offered
us each 200 bucks
to keep this going,
but it's impossible.
Aah!
You want to know
why we got married?
Bring it.
I had no prospects,
and Dougie here had
an alcohol problem.
Plus, the Cold War
was happening.
And frankly,
we all thought we
were going to die.
Well, I figured
I could really
tick off my parents
by shacking up with
some Pawnee trash.
Yeah, cha-cha-cha.
Okay. We all agree
that marriages have
their ups and downs.
But at the end of the day,
they're worth it because...
Who likes tap dancing?
I slept with
Sharon in 1979.
I used to get
out of the shower
in front of your
brother on purpose.
Hey, Leslie, who cares?
They're old people.
They eat,
they sleep, they complain,
and they watch Family Feud.
Oh, my God,
I want to be an old person.
God, I don't know what to do.
I wish Ben was here.
What is he doing right now?
Oh, man!
You did good.
Larry. Wow.
Wow, thank you.
Can I help you?
Yeah. I own Lettuce Eat,
the vegan restaurant
on Lowell Drive.
And I wanted to know
why you nailed this
letter to my door.
"Veganism is the sad result
of a morally corrupt mind.
"Reconsider your life."
Because I believe it.
Good day.
Carnivores.
You're all the same.
How did that guy
know where to find you?
I assume he saw my
name and address at
the bottom of the letter
I nailed to his door.
You signed your real name?
Of course I did.
What's going to happen?
A vegan is going to
physically attack me?
They are basically
made of glass,
but more importantly,
if you believe
in something,
you sign your name to it.
Which is why the makers
of carbonated water
will soon know exactly
where to find me.
Donna? Kyle did not
write those things.
Okay? I did.
I know.
You do?
I checked what else
that user had written.
It was a review
of a funeral home
that said,
"Great first date spot."
I dragged Kyle
in here to see
if you would come clean.
Well, you overestimated
how much I care
what happens to Kyle
or anyone, really.
But I'm sorry that I
didn't just talk to you.
And I'm sorry I
bailed on work,
and I'm sorry I toyed
with you instead
of coming at you straight.
From now on,
we say what we feel. Cool?
Cool.
Your lipstick looks weird.
You're going to want to
shut your mouth right now.
Good talk.
I don't know. Maybe Pawneeans
and Eagletonians
aren't meant to co-exist.
Well, at least our
merger is going well.
Cheers.
You know,
Andy and Tom were right
when they said
the DeMarcos don't matter.
Their generation
is the past.
The way to make
this merger take hold
is to focus on the future.
Of course. The children.
The children are our future.
Whitney Houston knew it
and so do you and so do I.
And I'm going to need
your help on something.
I think we should
go to work.
But not now.
We're having dinner.
Damn, this paella is good.
Did you put saffron in here?
It makes the shellfish
taste delicious.
Yes. Yes, it does.
Okay. The people in this room
are the first members
of the Pawnee-Eagleton
Youth Committee.
Now, April says that
young people think
the word "committee" is lame.
So, let's just
think of this as
like a super-chill,
fun e-hangout.
Worse. That's worse.
Okay, new people,
let's introduce ourselves.
Craig Middlebrooks.
Samantha in the boardroom,
Miranda in the bedroom.
I know it's not ideal,
but it's who I am!
This is my friend, Madison.
She's amazing and
she drove me here!
Okay. This group
has an incredibly
important job.
You need to figure
out how to hold
this town together.
You are going to
meet twice a week,
and you're here because
of your energy and your youth,
and for some of you,
your mental age.
And you're going to find
a way to make
this merger stick.
So, we are going to
order you some 'zas.
You get to B-S-ing.
Brainstorming.
Just chill. Peace out.
Okay. So, it's been an hour.
From out there,
it looks like you guys
were having some fun
getting to know
each other.
So, why don't we
call this first
meeting a success
and then we'll get
together later in the week?
Hold up, sweet pea.
We have an idea.
It's called the
Unity Concert.
It's a massive
music and art festival
to celebrate the merger.
We get artists and
musicians from both towns
to come together.
It's going to be
like a giant Woodstock
except for,
instead of everybody
rolling around in mud,
they'll be rolling
around in happiness.
Or maybe mud,
I can't control the weather.
We want to have
a bunch of different band
stages.
You know,
people will go to
parts of the town they
don't usually go to.
Plus, we'll have tents
for art exhibits and panels
and maybe
a short film festival.
Donna said
she might be able
to get Ginuwine.
That's given me
a reason to live.
Yeah, it's not like
everyone's gonna suddenly
start holding
hands and making out,
but we figure why
not throw a big
three-day outdoor party,
show everyone
a good time and maybe
they'll forget
about this stupid stuff.
What do you think?
I don't...
I don't even...
You know what I mean?
What's
wrong with her?
Why is she
making those noises?
Oh.
Oh, right,
you don't know Leslie.
That means that
she loves it so much,
she can't speak.
I love you guys.
That's like,
you guys are amazing.
Like what you're doing here.
Happy anniversary.
So, I know we agreed
on no gifts.
What?
But I did get you a gift.
No...
A bunch of them, actually.
I was going to
surprise you with them
yesterday,
but they never reached you.
Oh, my effing God.
You planned
all this for me?
An Enchanted carriage?
This is amazing!
Aw! And your scrapbook
instincts are really good.
This is a little rough,
but you have
a lot of talent here.
Oh, I can't believe
I actually defeated
Leslie Knope in
a gift exchange. Yes.
Ah. Yeah, about that.
Happy anniversary.
It's the Iron Throne.
Yes, it is.
I had a guy at the model
store make a replica.
He's a bigger
Game of Thrones fan
than you are.
Okay, I know I'm making
that dumb surprised face,
but I can't help it.
This is the greatest gift
I've ever received, Leslie.
When you play
the game of thrones,
you win or you die.
Yes. No.
Come here. Come hither,
peasant. Come here.
Who are you?
Our starship
is in trouble.
Okay. Leslie,
listen. If you're not...
If you don't know what
you're talking about...