1
00:00:02,399 --> 00:00:05,642
Okay, Ron. Enough's enough. Let's
talk plans for Diane's baby shower.
2
00:00:05,661 --> 00:00:07,794
- Dear God, woman.
- Three main activities--
3
00:00:07,821 --> 00:00:10,341
baby bingo, baby
food tasting,
4
00:00:10,347 --> 00:00:13,706
and my personal favorite--
baby onesie decorating station.
5
00:00:13,718 --> 00:00:15,314
I'm gonna make mine
look like an astronaut.
6
00:00:15,325 --> 00:00:18,119
What are you doing up there in
space, baby? Ah! So cute! Okay.
7
00:00:18,139 --> 00:00:20,889
I have some gift ideas. I was looking
at a very adorable stroller.
8
00:00:20,908 --> 00:00:22,868
We already have
a stroller.
9
00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:24,073
Oh, shoot. Really?
10
00:00:24,093 --> 00:00:26,466
I'm gonna have to think
of something else.
11
00:00:26,486 --> 00:00:27,813
Oh, my God, whose baby is that?
12
00:00:27,826 --> 00:00:29,033
That would be mine.
13
00:00:29,055 --> 00:00:31,135
Guys, get in here!
Ron has a baby!
14
00:00:31,148 --> 00:00:33,506
- Oh, Ron, cool baby.
- Thank you, Andrew.
15
00:00:33,542 --> 00:00:36,845
Everyone, I'd like to
introduce you to my son,
16
00:00:36,861 --> 00:00:39,441
John middle name
redacted Swanson.
17
00:00:39,466 --> 00:00:44,068
John was born some time ago, weighing
multiple pounds and several ounces.
18
00:00:44,090 --> 00:00:47,037
Much like his father,
he is a fan of silence.
19
00:00:47,062 --> 00:00:48,319
Please keep your
voices down.
20
00:00:48,337 --> 00:00:51,807
How am I supposed to keep my voice
down when you had your baby,
21
00:00:51,833 --> 00:00:53,483
and you didn't tell me
that you had your baby?
22
00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:56,840
- Why would you need to know something
like that? - Why would I-- oh, my God.
23
00:00:56,857 --> 00:00:58,777
I have not even
sent Diane a gift.
24
00:00:58,804 --> 00:01:00,384
She's just walking around,
25
00:01:00,403 --> 00:01:02,417
wondering why I haven't
sent her a gift yet.
26
00:01:02,455 --> 00:01:04,858
- Should we do something?
- Just let her tire herself out.
27
00:01:04,884 --> 00:01:07,329
If you need anything from us,
Ron, please just let us know.
28
00:01:07,356 --> 00:01:08,807
Actually there
is something.
29
00:01:08,825 --> 00:01:10,988
Could one of you please
stop by the pet store
30
00:01:11,007 --> 00:01:13,281
and pick up some
fish food for me?
31
00:01:13,653 --> 00:01:15,038
When did you get a fish?
32
00:01:18,093 --> 00:01:26,093
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
33
00:01:36,886 --> 00:01:39,880
Okay, youth committee. Update
on the unity concert. Madison.
34
00:01:39,906 --> 00:01:41,973
So far, 12 bands
have said yes.
35
00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:45,067
And we asked them all to submit a
song for the new town anthem contest.
36
00:01:45,073 --> 00:01:48,216
I think we should book Orin as
a headliner. I think it's a no-brainer.
37
00:01:48,229 --> 00:01:51,758
Um, he dislocates his shoulder
to the music of Billy Joel.
38
00:01:51,771 --> 00:01:54,033
The Pawnee Journal called it,
"Why would anyone do this?"
39
00:01:54,046 --> 00:01:55,892
Stop suggesting Orin.
40
00:01:55,905 --> 00:01:57,699
Craig, any update
on the art tents?
41
00:01:57,712 --> 00:01:59,822
14 local artists have signed
up to show their work.
42
00:01:59,842 --> 00:02:01,640
It was going to be 15,
but then this one guy
43
00:02:01,653 --> 00:02:03,395
described himself as
"Jackson Pollock-esque"
44
00:02:03,414 --> 00:02:06,322
and I told him that's finger
painting for adults and I hate it!
45
00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:09,102
The Pawnee-Eagleton merger
has made for a rough year,
46
00:02:09,118 --> 00:02:10,698
both for me and
for the town.
47
00:02:10,724 --> 00:02:12,940
But if I can pull off
this unity concert
48
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,513
and prove that this
merger was a success,
49
00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:19,267
Pawnee might once again
tolerate-slash-ignore me.
50
00:02:20,133 --> 00:02:21,886
I know that sounds bad,
but for a politician
51
00:02:21,899 --> 00:02:23,419
it's pretty much the
best-case scenario.
52
00:02:23,446 --> 00:02:26,086
Well, you guys might as
well be a pile of leaves
53
00:02:26,093 --> 00:02:28,059
because you're about
to get blown away.
54
00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:32,503
I have booked a meeting with
none other than Grant Larson.
55
00:02:33,886 --> 00:02:35,559
- No one knows who that is?
- Um, I do.
56
00:02:35,565 --> 00:02:37,639
"Grant Larson," otherwise
known as Elton John.
57
00:02:37,664 --> 00:02:40,198
- Congratulations, Leslie.
- No, Grant Larson is the director
58
00:02:40,218 --> 00:02:42,917
of the Midwest branch of
the National Park Service.
59
00:02:42,946 --> 00:02:46,411
He's basically the Liam
Bonneville of the Midwest.
60
00:02:47,163 --> 00:02:48,163
Liam Bonneville?
61
00:02:48,169 --> 00:02:50,437
The department of the
interior's resident bad boy?
62
00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,809
He's basically the Tim Dweck--
Okay, never mind.
63
00:02:52,826 --> 00:02:56,646
I have asked Grant to declare
Eagleton Hills a national park
64
00:02:56,653 --> 00:02:58,865
as the grand finale
of our unity concert.
65
00:02:58,878 --> 00:03:00,178
Great idea, Leslie.
66
00:03:00,185 --> 00:03:01,458
And with that update,
67
00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:05,520
the Pawnee new founder's day unity
concert is now officially...
68
00:03:05,540 --> 00:03:07,392
ahead of schedule!
69
00:03:07,414 --> 00:03:10,878
And that banner unfurling
marks the 100th time
70
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:13,221
that one of my
projects has been...
71
00:03:15,021 --> 00:03:16,219
ahead of schedule.
72
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,172
This is your chance
to put your names
73
00:03:18,196 --> 00:03:22,786
on the Pawnee unity concert,
the biggest event of 2014...
74
00:03:22,798 --> 00:03:24,399
besides the unveiling of
Tricia's new highlights.
75
00:03:24,423 --> 00:03:26,821
You think I wouldn't notice?
You look fly as hell, girl!
76
00:03:27,801 --> 00:03:30,052
This unity concert needs
corporate sponsorship,
77
00:03:30,079 --> 00:03:32,179
so Ben and I are meeting
with local bigwigs.
78
00:03:32,205 --> 00:03:34,752
I'm gonna do what I do
best-- lock down deals.
79
00:03:34,765 --> 00:03:37,406
And dork-asaurus over here is
gonna handle the boring stuff.
80
00:03:37,436 --> 00:03:41,258
You said you genuinely
valued my business acumen.
81
00:03:41,278 --> 00:03:43,561
Also, I'm your boss.
82
00:03:45,001 --> 00:03:46,348
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
83
00:03:46,373 --> 00:03:48,365
You're the cutest little
boo-bear I've ever seen.
84
00:03:48,378 --> 00:03:51,246
You are the world's most
adorable baby and I love you!
85
00:03:51,252 --> 00:03:53,424
You are so freaking precious!
86
00:03:53,437 --> 00:03:54,876
Look what Gayle
made for the baby.
87
00:03:54,889 --> 00:03:57,459
It says "Property of
Pawnee government."
88
00:03:57,484 --> 00:03:59,229
Isn't that adorable?
89
00:04:00,623 --> 00:04:02,175
Come on, John.
90
00:04:04,769 --> 00:04:06,197
Jeez.
91
00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:07,463
Here we are...
92
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,720
the park that borders
Pawnee and Eagleton.
93
00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:12,692
This is the perfect place for the press
conference to announce our unity concert.
94
00:04:12,705 --> 00:04:14,525
People are gonna clap,
they're gonna cheer.
95
00:04:14,557 --> 00:04:17,009
Today might be the day
that I finally crowd surf.
96
00:04:17,029 --> 00:04:19,276
I should probably empty
my pockets just in case.
97
00:04:19,289 --> 00:04:20,403
Hey, one question.
98
00:04:20,429 --> 00:04:22,501
Um, where do you think
you're gonna stand,
99
00:04:22,521 --> 00:04:25,318
in front of the graffiti that
says "Pawnee, you suck,"
100
00:04:25,346 --> 00:04:27,766
or "Go home,
Eagleton snobs"?
101
00:04:27,772 --> 00:04:30,731
I painted over that graffiti a week ago.
These people are the worst!
102
00:04:30,756 --> 00:04:32,617
I cannot announce
a unity concert
103
00:04:32,630 --> 00:04:35,310
in front of a picture of a bald
eagle giving the middle finger.
104
00:04:35,335 --> 00:04:38,155
Yeah, you probably wanna stand to
the side so people can see it.
105
00:04:38,180 --> 00:04:40,093
You know, why do we
even have this wall?
106
00:04:40,116 --> 00:04:43,964
We're supposed to be uniting the two
towns, and this literally divides them.
107
00:04:45,181 --> 00:04:47,526
- We should just knock it down.
- On it, boss.
108
00:04:49,235 --> 00:04:50,502
Ahh!
109
00:04:50,515 --> 00:04:51,249
Ow.
110
00:04:51,274 --> 00:04:53,693
The kool-aid guy
makes it look so easy.
111
00:04:56,814 --> 00:04:59,561
In the time I've worked here,
I've taken great pains
112
00:04:59,574 --> 00:05:02,034
to see as little of this
building as possible.
113
00:05:02,054 --> 00:05:05,090
Turns out the third
floor is silent, empty,
114
00:05:05,103 --> 00:05:07,817
and completely free
of government work.
115
00:05:08,580 --> 00:05:12,023
I can't think of anything more
beautiful to share with my son.
116
00:05:13,304 --> 00:05:17,289
If I had a toolbox I could take
care of that faulty radiator.
117
00:05:17,944 --> 00:05:21,065
Ooh! This place
is a paradise!
118
00:05:21,927 --> 00:05:24,520
Nicely done, Tom. We have
15 sponsorship offers.
119
00:05:24,540 --> 00:05:26,660
Make that 16.
Mitch Savner.
120
00:05:26,679 --> 00:05:28,279
- Savner Bleaches and Chemicals!
- That's it.
121
00:05:28,298 --> 00:05:30,227
You guys make my favorite
teeth-whitening strips--
122
00:05:30,233 --> 00:05:32,371
pearlies for girlies.
It's unisex.
123
00:05:32,384 --> 00:05:34,433
The cartoon princess
on the label says so.
124
00:05:34,454 --> 00:05:35,780
I'll sponsor your concert.
125
00:05:35,793 --> 00:05:37,733
But I'm also looking to
invest in other ventures.
126
00:05:37,766 --> 00:05:40,520
I have a feeling a bright guy like
you has some ideas of his own.
127
00:05:40,550 --> 00:05:43,452
I may have a few eggs ready to
hatch in the personal idea nest.
128
00:05:43,472 --> 00:05:46,952
Why don't you come to my office tomorrow
and pitch me your hottest idea?
129
00:05:46,959 --> 00:05:48,754
Perfect! I'll
see you then.
130
00:05:49,506 --> 00:05:51,733
- Oh, that's pretty cool.
- It's all happening, Ben.
131
00:05:51,762 --> 00:05:54,864
Soon I'll have a new career,
new crib, new friends.
132
00:05:55,602 --> 00:05:59,303
If all goes well, this may be one of the
last times I ever have to speak to you.
133
00:05:59,969 --> 00:06:01,731
Come with me, I
need your help.
134
00:06:02,948 --> 00:06:05,004
Thank you so much,
everyone, for coming.
135
00:06:05,030 --> 00:06:07,445
And a special thank you to the
city council for their support.
136
00:06:07,471 --> 00:06:09,235
I was told there'd be
a free barbecue buffet?
137
00:06:09,254 --> 00:06:11,477
Just take some beef
jerky and... hush!
138
00:06:11,491 --> 00:06:15,720
This spring we will be holding
a massive unity concert
139
00:06:15,735 --> 00:06:18,802
to commemorate the merger
between Pawnee and Eagleton.
140
00:06:18,828 --> 00:06:21,155
This three-day music
and arts festival
141
00:06:21,174 --> 00:06:24,712
will end on a day we will
call "New Founder's Day,"
142
00:06:24,737 --> 00:06:26,950
an official beginning
to our new town.
143
00:06:26,976 --> 00:06:30,529
A few years ago, Eagleton put
up this wall along the border.
144
00:06:30,549 --> 00:06:34,628
Now it is time to
tear down this wall.
145
00:06:36,637 --> 00:06:41,140
In the name of unity, I have given some
former Eagletonians the first strike.
146
00:06:41,155 --> 00:06:42,955
Take it away, guys.
147
00:06:45,540 --> 00:06:48,427
This is such a
great day for--
148
00:06:48,486 --> 00:06:50,764
Bees! Bees! Oh!
149
00:06:50,791 --> 00:06:51,658
Nobody panic!
150
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:53,752
Ohhh, noooo!
151
00:06:53,765 --> 00:06:55,675
Ah! It stung me
in the eyeball!
152
00:06:56,547 --> 00:06:58,667
Oh, man, this is
amazing, man.
153
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:02,620
The stupid Eagletonians are totally
getting the pwned by these bees.
154
00:07:02,626 --> 00:07:05,048
I'm gonna send this
straight to tosh.
155
00:07:05,075 --> 00:07:06,966
Ow, fuck! Fuck!
156
00:07:07,001 --> 00:07:08,934
Don't worry, babe,
I'll protect you.
157
00:07:08,969 --> 00:07:13,445
I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead
and sting me, bees. It does nothing.
158
00:07:14,420 --> 00:07:17,847
Leslie, it appears that most of the people
that were stung were from Eagleton.
159
00:07:17,873 --> 00:07:20,801
- How did you pull that off?
- I didn't pull anything off.
160
00:07:20,820 --> 00:07:23,093
The Eagletonians were
simply closest to the wall.
161
00:07:23,119 --> 00:07:26,297
Plus, one Pawneean was stung...
in his mouth
162
00:07:26,318 --> 00:07:28,093
because he was laughing
at the Eagletonians.
163
00:07:28,113 --> 00:07:30,800
How did you get your
bees into the wall,
164
00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:35,434
and how long did it take to plan this
hilarious bee prank on Eagleton?
165
00:07:35,457 --> 00:07:38,044
They were not
my bees, Trodd.
166
00:07:38,057 --> 00:07:40,718
And for the last time
this was not a prank.
167
00:07:40,747 --> 00:07:42,960
I did not know that
bees were in that wall.
168
00:07:42,985 --> 00:07:45,271
I mean, in fact you should treat this
like a public service announcement.
169
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:47,806
Everybody... should check
their walls for bees.
170
00:07:47,819 --> 00:07:50,133
Nice try, prank queen.
Probably bees in there.
171
00:07:50,156 --> 00:07:51,790
Okay, that's all
the time I have.
172
00:07:51,797 --> 00:07:54,476
- What else can you do with your bees?
- Leslie, what's your next prank?
173
00:07:55,090 --> 00:07:56,042
Ooh.
174
00:07:56,062 --> 00:07:59,027
Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone
from the National Park Service.
175
00:07:59,047 --> 00:08:01,648
I cannot meet with him right now.
We are in crisis mode, okay?
176
00:08:01,664 --> 00:08:03,717
Larry, just tell him
I need to reschedule
177
00:08:03,730 --> 00:08:05,737
because I am trying to fix
my bee hole disaster.
178
00:08:05,764 --> 00:08:07,277
- Okeydokey.
- Wait! No, wait!
179
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:09,364
No!
Larry, don't tell him that.
180
00:08:09,394 --> 00:08:10,695
Don't mention my bee hole.
181
00:08:10,723 --> 00:08:12,616
Just as we suspected, John.
182
00:08:12,638 --> 00:08:14,771
We repaired the
valve stem seal,
183
00:08:14,778 --> 00:08:18,469
and now all that remains is to
tighten down this packing nut.
184
00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:21,231
And... that should do it.
185
00:08:21,257 --> 00:08:22,784
Can we help you?
186
00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:25,475
No. We have everything
under control.
187
00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:27,248
My crew's redoing
this whole floor.
188
00:08:27,261 --> 00:08:29,088
We're the only people
allowed up here right now.
189
00:08:29,105 --> 00:08:31,940
Well, proceed with your work.
You won't notice us at all.
190
00:08:32,885 --> 00:08:34,753
We're gonna be kinda loud.
191
00:08:35,713 --> 00:08:37,453
My son is several
weeks old.
192
00:08:37,479 --> 00:08:40,299
He's quite familiar with
the sound of power tools.
193
00:08:42,168 --> 00:08:44,925
Okay, how about this one--
Lasik for fingernails?
194
00:08:44,947 --> 00:08:47,706
Cut your fingernails once,
never have to cut 'em again.
195
00:08:47,726 --> 00:08:51,022
All we need is a complicated laser
I have no idea how to build.
196
00:08:51,035 --> 00:08:54,011
- Seems impossible.
- All right.
197
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:57,152
Uh-oh! "Saltweens!"
Saltines for tweens.
198
00:08:57,182 --> 00:08:59,191
Seems... unnecessary?
199
00:08:59,890 --> 00:09:03,684
The only business idea I have that's even
remotely fleshed out is a restaurant.
200
00:09:03,697 --> 00:09:05,827
No way. Restaurants
were ranked number one
201
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:08,909
in Accounting Magazine's
"Riskiest Businesses" issue.
202
00:09:08,927 --> 00:09:10,894
That was their last issue
before they folded, actually.
203
00:09:10,906 --> 00:09:12,397
Magazines are also very risky.
204
00:09:12,417 --> 00:09:14,577
I can't believe an angel investor
floated down from the heavens,
205
00:09:14,617 --> 00:09:16,310
and I don't even have
anything to pitch him.
206
00:09:16,317 --> 00:09:19,503
Come on, you must've had one good
business idea. You're 52 years old!
207
00:09:19,516 --> 00:09:22,319
No, I'm not. But I
do have an idea.
208
00:09:22,347 --> 00:09:23,399
It's air-tight.
209
00:09:23,419 --> 00:09:26,064
But I have to warn you,
it's not super sexy.
210
00:09:26,091 --> 00:09:28,162
- What is it?
- Okay, listen up.
211
00:09:28,597 --> 00:09:30,957
You would be the middleman
between dry cleaners
212
00:09:30,983 --> 00:09:33,549
and the companies
that sell chemicals...
213
00:09:33,985 --> 00:09:35,542
to dry cleaners.
214
00:09:35,555 --> 00:09:37,833
- Wow!
- Right?
215
00:09:37,853 --> 00:09:40,848
You're right, man.
That is not sexy.
216
00:09:41,767 --> 00:09:45,214
Leslie Knope's little stunt put
three people in the hospital.
217
00:09:45,227 --> 00:09:47,694
This bee incident is
just the latest assault
218
00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:49,834
coming from the Pawnee
side of this merger.
219
00:09:49,854 --> 00:09:52,226
Mike Patterson is Eagleton's
most tenacious reporter.
220
00:09:52,238 --> 00:09:55,049
When he sinks his teeth into something,
he's like a dog with a bone!
221
00:09:55,069 --> 00:09:58,033
Oh, my God! You can't lean
in to whisper and then yell.
222
00:09:58,052 --> 00:10:00,772
- That's not fair.
- This merger is so fragile,
223
00:10:00,785 --> 00:10:03,905
everyone is on edge, and no one is
talking about the unity concert.
224
00:10:03,918 --> 00:10:05,605
Why would anybody think
that was a prank?
225
00:10:05,625 --> 00:10:07,178
So sad. People will
believe anything.
226
00:10:07,199 --> 00:10:09,769
- It was a prank though, right?
- No more press, okay?
227
00:10:09,796 --> 00:10:11,580
You just have to lay low
for a while.
228
00:10:11,604 --> 00:10:13,284
I promise it'll all blow over.
229
00:10:13,303 --> 00:10:15,579
April, your competence
and your levelheadedness
230
00:10:15,612 --> 00:10:17,879
is very moving to me, and
I will follow your advice
231
00:10:17,911 --> 00:10:20,658
right after I go to the hospital and
apologize to every victim in person.
232
00:10:20,671 --> 00:10:22,654
- Fine, but no cameras.
- Fine, I won't bring any.
233
00:10:22,675 --> 00:10:25,506
Aghh! I can't handle
all this fighting.
234
00:10:25,519 --> 00:10:27,769
It's like Thanksgiving
2004 all over again!
235
00:10:27,780 --> 00:10:29,398
Don't even ask!
236
00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:32,173
Somebody follow me,
I'm distraught!
237
00:10:32,194 --> 00:10:33,501
Who's a big guy?
238
00:10:35,544 --> 00:10:37,246
Man, forget about working.
239
00:10:37,259 --> 00:10:39,637
I just wanna stare
at this baby all day.
240
00:10:39,658 --> 00:10:42,165
What is the nature of
your work on this floor?
241
00:10:42,185 --> 00:10:44,656
Total redo--new floors,
fixtures, plumbing.
242
00:10:44,676 --> 00:10:46,016
How long will it take?
243
00:10:46,038 --> 00:10:47,905
Six to eight weeks.
244
00:10:48,483 --> 00:10:49,403
Deal.
245
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:52,012
I will do all this work for
you in the time allotted.
246
00:10:52,032 --> 00:10:54,507
Just have your tools and
materials brought up here.
247
00:10:54,533 --> 00:10:57,046
Are you crazy? This is enough
work for a whole crew.
248
00:10:57,052 --> 00:10:59,919
I'm sure the government believed
you when you told them that,
249
00:10:59,946 --> 00:11:03,726
and I tip my cap to you for
profiting off their ignoe.
250
00:11:03,752 --> 00:11:06,451
But I'm offering you two
months paid vacation
251
00:11:06,464 --> 00:11:11,015
and the ability to take credit for
my work, which will be flawless.
252
00:11:11,994 --> 00:11:15,184
Okay. Guys, let's go!
253
00:11:16,263 --> 00:11:18,243
I got all help I'll
need right here.
254
00:11:19,577 --> 00:11:21,497
Okay, this is the
really exciting part.
255
00:11:21,530 --> 00:11:25,039
We buy tetrachloroethylene
at $1.60 a gallon,
256
00:11:25,063 --> 00:11:27,838
but we sell it back
at 2.38 a gallon.
257
00:11:27,844 --> 00:11:29,115
Now I know what
you're thinking.
258
00:11:29,128 --> 00:11:31,940
What if it's a cleaner who
wants to buy glycol ethers?
259
00:11:31,964 --> 00:11:33,999
Ben, stop!
260
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:35,684
This is so boring!
261
00:11:35,703 --> 00:11:38,337
This is like listening to a
TED talk by the color beige.
262
00:11:38,366 --> 00:11:40,735
Look, I know this idea
doesn't excite you.
263
00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:43,395
But I promise it'll make you
a lot of money.
264
00:11:43,410 --> 00:11:45,923
Well, I sold tons
of awesome stuff.
265
00:11:45,936 --> 00:11:47,261
Guess it makes sense
my next challenge
266
00:11:47,281 --> 00:11:49,541
is to sell something
mind-numbingly dull.
267
00:11:49,563 --> 00:11:50,926
Dull?
268
00:11:51,595 --> 00:11:55,028
Does this look
dull to you?
269
00:11:55,054 --> 00:11:57,247
Ahhhh.
270
00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:59,417
I'm so incredibly sorry.
271
00:11:59,437 --> 00:12:01,159
That's very kind
of you, Ms. Knope.
272
00:12:01,185 --> 00:12:04,098
I hope you look a lot
less gross very soon.
273
00:12:05,518 --> 00:12:06,511
Hey!
274
00:12:06,549 --> 00:12:09,536
Thanks for coming, Knope.
I knew we were besties.
275
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:11,310
What do you got in there
for me, some dirty mags?
276
00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:14,314
No! These gift baskets
are for innocent victims...
277
00:12:14,335 --> 00:12:17,940
not for jerks who got stung because they
were laughing at other people's pain.
278
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,687
Whatever. Got a lotta filth
in my kindle anyway.
279
00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:22,291
We can just hang.
280
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:23,885
- Wanna come up?
- What?
281
00:12:23,914 --> 00:12:25,021
- We gotta get this.
- Roll camera.
282
00:12:25,047 --> 00:12:27,167
Tell me when.
Is my hair okay?
283
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:27,860
We good?
284
00:12:27,886 --> 00:12:30,284
Welcome to Eagleton Now,
with Mike Patterson.
285
00:12:30,310 --> 00:12:32,163
We're live ambushing
Leslie Knope
286
00:12:32,182 --> 00:12:34,395
who's in the middle
of a crass publicity stunt,
287
00:12:34,407 --> 00:12:37,670
shoving cameras cameras into the faces
of these poor, injured victims.
288
00:12:37,694 --> 00:12:40,501
These are your cameras.
This is not a publicity stunt.
289
00:12:40,521 --> 00:12:44,775
I just came here by myself to apologize
to all the Eagletonians who got stung.
290
00:12:44,790 --> 00:12:47,675
Really? Because all we see
is you talking to your friend,
291
00:12:47,677 --> 00:12:49,978
known Eagleton
hater Jeremy Jamm.
292
00:12:49,991 --> 00:12:52,111
Excuse me, Mike. That's,
uh, best friend.
293
00:12:52,137 --> 00:12:54,453
Pawneeans and Eagletonians
need to find a way
294
00:12:54,473 --> 00:12:56,933
to come together and
bury the hatchet.
295
00:12:56,957 --> 00:13:00,723
It doesn't matter who bailed out
who, or who seceded from you.
296
00:13:00,744 --> 00:13:02,011
Awesome idea, Lezzie.
297
00:13:02,038 --> 00:13:05,271
As a matter of fact I say we
should secede from Eagleton!
298
00:13:05,301 --> 00:13:07,648
Whose dumbass idea was it
for them to merge anyway?
299
00:13:07,670 --> 00:13:09,127
Mine. It was my idea.
300
00:13:09,159 --> 00:13:10,406
You heard it here first.
301
00:13:10,432 --> 00:13:14,179
Self-proclaimed dumbass Leslie
Knope and councilman Jeremy Jamm
302
00:13:14,192 --> 00:13:16,358
are spearheading
a Pawnee secession movement.
303
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,186
And I, for one,
am sick of it.
304
00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:20,084
All right, you know what,
Eagleton, enough!
305
00:13:20,113 --> 00:13:21,375
Get these cameras
outta here!
306
00:13:21,404 --> 00:13:23,449
Don't touch my camera,
you Pawnee animal!
307
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,776
Name-calling, huh?
308
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,270
Classy move, douche bag.
309
00:13:26,496 --> 00:13:28,064
Oh! All right.
310
00:13:28,096 --> 00:13:29,270
Is that how you
wanna play?
311
00:13:29,284 --> 00:13:31,284
- Yeah! Come on!
- No fighting in a hospital.
312
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,885
There shouldn't be
fighting in a hospital!
313
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,868
Wish I had my ninja stars!
314
00:13:34,887 --> 00:13:37,182
Oh, my God!
What's happening?
315
00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:38,393
Oh!
316
00:13:38,421 --> 00:13:40,638
Mother... puncher!
317
00:13:41,861 --> 00:13:43,914
Hey, girl.
What up?
318
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:44,801
What are you wearing?
319
00:13:44,819 --> 00:13:47,146
It's to distract people
from my black eye.
320
00:13:47,178 --> 00:13:48,962
See? It's working.
321
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,595
Cool. Um... well, there
is some good news.
322
00:13:52,621 --> 00:13:56,847
That Mike Patterson guy's show
just aired, everyone is angry,
323
00:13:56,876 --> 00:14:00,569
and Jamm is introducing a secession
bill at the next city council meeting.
324
00:14:00,582 --> 00:14:02,283
- How is any of that good news?
- It's not.
325
00:14:02,284 --> 00:14:05,637
I just wanted you to have a brief moment
of happiness before you got sadder.
326
00:14:05,657 --> 00:14:08,114
Those jerks that hate the
merger are a minority.
327
00:14:08,121 --> 00:14:10,727
They're just shouting louder
than everyone else.
328
00:14:10,749 --> 00:14:13,912
I'm sorry this town keeps being
stupid and letting you down.
329
00:14:13,965 --> 00:14:16,170
- It sucks.
- It's okay, April. It's fine.
330
00:14:16,190 --> 00:14:19,770
You know, it's a challenge.
It's just like a big, fun...
331
00:14:21,813 --> 00:14:23,513
stinking turd nugget.
It sucks.
332
00:14:23,537 --> 00:14:27,484
You're right, everything sucks. Everything
I try with this merger backfires.
333
00:14:27,510 --> 00:14:31,897
I wonder what other excellent surprise
lies in store for Leslie Knope.
334
00:14:31,916 --> 00:14:35,370
Leslie, Grant Larson from the National
Park Service is here for your meeting.
335
00:14:35,397 --> 00:14:36,390
Excellent.
336
00:14:36,410 --> 00:14:41,162
Now I shall meet with a very important
person whilst sporting a gruesome shiner.
337
00:14:41,179 --> 00:14:43,086
Hey, you're also wearing
a tie-dye t-shirt.
338
00:14:43,972 --> 00:14:46,132
Oh, yes! I am!
339
00:14:46,164 --> 00:14:47,748
Wonderful!
340
00:14:47,782 --> 00:14:49,462
Mitch!
Thanks for meeting me.
341
00:14:49,481 --> 00:14:50,568
My pleasure.
342
00:14:50,583 --> 00:14:54,791
It's not often that I see someone
with your sparkle and passion.
343
00:14:54,819 --> 00:14:58,106
That's what makes
businesses work-- passion!
344
00:14:58,136 --> 00:15:00,696
So, Mr. Haverford,
let's get to it.
345
00:15:01,223 --> 00:15:03,746
What idea are you
passionate about?
346
00:15:06,641 --> 00:15:08,746
I've got two
words for you--
347
00:15:09,670 --> 00:15:10,823
"Tom's Bistro,"
348
00:15:10,849 --> 00:15:13,816
an old-fashioned, old-world
Italian restaurant.
349
00:15:13,842 --> 00:15:17,151
Classy, authentic ambience
in a small-town setting.
350
00:15:17,168 --> 00:15:21,067
Why does that say "dry cleaning chemical
transactional holding company?"
351
00:15:21,101 --> 00:15:23,829
Ben! You brought
the wrong easel. God!
352
00:15:23,849 --> 00:15:26,550
Can't take this guy anywhere.
Let me paint you a picture.
353
00:15:27,157 --> 00:15:28,617
Oh, Mr. Larson, I'm sorry.
354
00:15:28,633 --> 00:15:30,871
I had to reschedule. It's
been kind of a hectic week.
355
00:15:30,898 --> 00:15:32,938
- What happened to your face?
- It doesn't matter.
356
00:15:32,976 --> 00:15:36,856
I would like to apply to turn some of
our new land into a national park.
357
00:15:36,874 --> 00:15:41,187
I read your request, Ms. Knope, and I'm
sorry, but we can't make that happen.
358
00:15:41,212 --> 00:15:44,528
Great. Well, this week just keeps
getting better and better.
359
00:15:44,541 --> 00:15:49,497
Thank you for coming by and plunging a
dagger into my already-bleeding corpse.
360
00:15:49,523 --> 00:15:51,883
I came here because I
wanted to meet you.
361
00:15:51,899 --> 00:15:54,272
I've actually wanted to meet you
since before you called me.
362
00:15:54,285 --> 00:15:56,590
- Really? You know who I am?
- Yes.
363
00:15:56,615 --> 00:15:58,330
You're the person
who wrote this.
364
00:15:58,697 --> 00:16:00,844
You read my proposal to
clean up the Pawnee river?
365
00:16:00,864 --> 00:16:02,317
I wrote this two years ago.
366
00:16:02,347 --> 00:16:04,794
Got shuffled around in
interior for a year and half.
367
00:16:04,813 --> 00:16:08,127
Liam Bonneville actually used it
to humiliate staffers, but...
368
00:16:09,215 --> 00:16:11,134
- he's kind of a bad boy.
- Liam B--
369
00:16:11,153 --> 00:16:13,392
- You don't have to tell me!
- This report is legendary.
370
00:16:13,405 --> 00:16:15,659
It's easily the most
thoroughly research
371
00:16:15,679 --> 00:16:18,651
and passionate grant
request I've ever seen.
372
00:16:19,547 --> 00:16:22,754
Wow, you have no idea how meaningful
it is to hear you say that.
373
00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:25,954
But you're a little late. The
river cleanup's well underway.
374
00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:28,193
This is bigger than
the river cleanup.
375
00:16:28,199 --> 00:16:29,986
We're opening a new
office in Chicago.
376
00:16:29,999 --> 00:16:32,659
I spent the last few weeks reading
about you and your career
377
00:16:32,665 --> 00:16:35,019
and I think that you're the
perfect person to run it.
378
00:16:35,039 --> 00:16:39,440
Leslie, would you like to run a
branch of the National Park Service?
379
00:16:41,346 --> 00:16:43,630
Tom's Bistro will have
all the classic elements,
380
00:16:43,638 --> 00:16:45,345
but with modern twists--
381
00:16:45,363 --> 00:16:47,476
an oak bar, live music,
382
00:16:47,496 --> 00:16:50,156
and Sunday brunch with
scrambled eggs so fluffy
383
00:16:50,178 --> 00:16:52,162
they'll be like little pillows
for your bacon.
384
00:16:52,183 --> 00:16:55,135
Bacon pillows.
I like the sound of that.
385
00:16:55,153 --> 00:16:57,665
But I have to say, restaurants
are incredibly risky.
386
00:16:57,678 --> 00:16:59,811
Most of them are
dead on arrival.
387
00:17:01,495 --> 00:17:02,829
We're well-aware of that,
388
00:17:02,842 --> 00:17:05,596
but believe me, Tom
has thought this out.
389
00:17:05,602 --> 00:17:07,515
See, there's plenty
of real estate available
390
00:17:07,541 --> 00:17:09,535
in the old Eagleton
part of town.
391
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:12,105
And with the recent closures,
there's massive demand
392
00:17:12,124 --> 00:17:15,278
for affordable dining
that feels high-end.
393
00:17:16,307 --> 00:17:17,527
Okay!
394
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,027
As long as you're
running, I'm in.
395
00:17:21,305 --> 00:17:22,633
Amazing!
396
00:17:22,652 --> 00:17:23,960
Hey, kid...
397
00:17:23,995 --> 00:17:26,336
your boss here sure
knows his stuff.
398
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,758
Ron. What are
you doing here?
399
00:17:34,786 --> 00:17:37,053
The most important government
work I've ever done--
400
00:17:37,066 --> 00:17:39,829
sanding rat urine stains
out of this floor.
401
00:17:39,847 --> 00:17:41,017
What are you doing here?
402
00:17:41,030 --> 00:17:43,975
I come here to think
sometimes. By myself.
403
00:17:44,648 --> 00:17:46,343
- But now that you're here...
- Damn it.
404
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:49,814
I am going to speak to you very
vaguely about a problem that I have,
405
00:17:49,827 --> 00:17:52,431
and you cannot ask me any
questions or details about it.
406
00:17:52,457 --> 00:17:55,863
That is my ideal conversation,
aside from no conversation.
407
00:17:55,876 --> 00:17:57,423
But that feels unlikely.
408
00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:59,596
Look, you know how
much I love Pawnee.
409
00:17:59,609 --> 00:18:03,014
But the more I try to fix it
the more people fight me.
410
00:18:03,037 --> 00:18:07,104
They call me names, they recall
me, they try to kill the merger.
411
00:18:07,135 --> 00:18:09,503
They literally punch
me in the face.
412
00:18:09,533 --> 00:18:12,560
And yet every time I
contemplate leaving,
413
00:18:12,590 --> 00:18:15,848
just walking away
once and for all,
414
00:18:16,594 --> 00:18:18,297
I just can't do it.
415
00:18:19,063 --> 00:18:20,782
What is wrong with me?
416
00:18:23,671 --> 00:18:26,864
Yesterday, I fixed that
old steam radiator.
417
00:18:26,895 --> 00:18:30,387
Threaded a new valve into the side,
removed the handle from the base,
418
00:18:30,406 --> 00:18:32,994
unscrewed the packing
nut from the stem.
419
00:18:33,013 --> 00:18:35,846
This subpar toolbox
only had one wrench,
420
00:18:35,870 --> 00:18:40,117
so I was lucky it was a three-quarters
or I'd have been screwed.
421
00:18:40,144 --> 00:18:42,682
Yeah, man, you are lucky.
Come on, Ron.
422
00:18:42,698 --> 00:18:44,151
What the hell?
I need your help.
423
00:18:44,169 --> 00:18:48,588
By the time I was done, this 100-year-old
piece of American-made cast iron
424
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:51,011
was singing like a bird.
425
00:18:51,035 --> 00:18:54,051
Now... to most people, this
story would seem boring.
426
00:18:54,068 --> 00:18:56,121
That's ridiculous. It's a
story about a radiator.
427
00:18:56,134 --> 00:18:59,017
But to me, it was
immensely satisfying
428
00:18:59,047 --> 00:19:02,434
because I enjoy
fixing radiators.
429
00:19:02,454 --> 00:19:05,789
You like fixing this town,
Leslie, you always have.
430
00:19:05,823 --> 00:19:08,900
You know it's an uphill battle,
but you love the struggle.
431
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,653
I would also add that
you've already done
432
00:19:11,673 --> 00:19:13,866
a hell of a lot to
make this town better,
433
00:19:13,891 --> 00:19:16,258
and people like
this young man here
434
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,247
will benefit from
your hard work.
435
00:19:18,266 --> 00:19:20,879
- He is a beautiful boy.
- He's quite a looker.
436
00:19:20,901 --> 00:19:22,422
Thank you, Ron.
437
00:19:26,107 --> 00:19:27,659
- What's that?
- Nothing.
438
00:19:29,463 --> 00:19:30,983
Clearing my throat.
439
00:19:33,475 --> 00:19:35,864
I've been thinking
about your offer.
440
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:39,679
And I have to say I can't think of
one single reason not to take it.
441
00:19:39,714 --> 00:19:40,981
That's great!
442
00:19:41,017 --> 00:19:42,357
I'll start drawing up
the paperwork.
443
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,558
I'm sorry, I meant...
444
00:19:44,578 --> 00:19:47,984
because I can think of a lot
of reasons not to take it.
445
00:19:48,005 --> 00:19:51,005
Okay, wow, that's very
misleading phraseology.
446
00:19:51,025 --> 00:19:52,072
I'm sorry.
447
00:19:52,078 --> 00:19:54,278
It's an amazing offer
and I'm very interested,
448
00:19:54,307 --> 00:19:56,715
but if I'm going
to leave Pawnee...
449
00:19:56,750 --> 00:19:58,718
I need to know it's gonna
be okay without me.
450
00:19:58,746 --> 00:20:02,096
And I won't know until I
finish what I've started.
451
00:20:02,486 --> 00:20:03,786
When do you need
your answer?
452
00:20:03,804 --> 00:20:05,608
Well, the gears
of federal government
453
00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:07,841
grind pretty slowly,
so you have a little time.
454
00:20:07,847 --> 00:20:11,121
But we can't wait forever.
I'll be in touch.
455
00:20:11,134 --> 00:20:12,765
Great. Thank you.
456
00:20:13,537 --> 00:20:15,184
That's not your hand.
Here it is.
457
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:17,766
Sorry, my depth perception
is totally screwed up.
458
00:20:18,371 --> 00:20:20,251
Really happy that worked
out for you, Tom,
459
00:20:20,284 --> 00:20:22,785
but you kinda sold
me out back there.
460
00:20:22,816 --> 00:20:24,063
I know, and I'm sorry.
461
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:26,890
But Mitch asked me what
I was passionate about,
462
00:20:26,897 --> 00:20:30,814
and honestly I'm never gonna be
passionate about dry cleaning chemicals.
463
00:20:30,848 --> 00:20:31,935
To each his own, I guess.
464
00:20:31,948 --> 00:20:34,988
I know opening a restaurant is
risky, but I can make this work.
465
00:20:35,009 --> 00:20:36,677
I know I can!
466
00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:40,857
Then count me in as the second
investor in Tom's Bistro.
467
00:20:40,908 --> 00:20:42,221
Thanks, man.
468
00:20:42,239 --> 00:20:46,040
I know this is a symbolic gesture,
but my investor floor is $1,000.
469
00:20:46,052 --> 00:20:47,913
So as of now, you
own zero shares.
470
00:20:47,925 --> 00:20:49,518
Cool! Thanks for
clearing that up.
471
00:20:49,536 --> 00:20:52,683
Now go do work, or I will fire you.
I'm not kidding.
472
00:20:52,714 --> 00:20:53,725
Yep!
473
00:20:56,144 --> 00:20:58,631
Oh, look, John.
It's red pine.
474
00:20:58,658 --> 00:21:00,451
They were gonna put
flecked linoleum
475
00:21:00,464 --> 00:21:03,776
over this beautifully
preserved knotty red pine.
476
00:21:03,811 --> 00:21:07,149
Most people in this world,
John, are assholes.
477
00:21:07,167 --> 00:21:09,896
This is the best day I've ever
spent in a government building,
478
00:21:09,915 --> 00:21:12,503
and luckily my son was
here to share it with me.
479
00:21:12,533 --> 00:21:17,123
He now has that satisfied look that
only comes with the pride of labor.
480
00:21:17,674 --> 00:21:18,929
Or he pooped.
481
00:21:19,658 --> 00:21:22,241
Either way, well
done, John.
482
00:21:24,596 --> 00:21:31,596
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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