[SIGHS]
Knopey, my girl, wuddup?
I just farted.
Oh, Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact with you again.
I missed you, too.
The city council is voting on whether to rezone
the Newport land for commercial use.
If I win, stupid Gryzzl and stupid Ron can't build anything there,
and then I'm sitting pretty.
Sadly, the deciding vote is from my old city council mate,
and human equivalent of gas station sushi, Jeremy Jamm.
Is there something different about you?
What you are noticing is the swagger of a man who is in a pretty steamy relash.
This bull has been tamed.
Well, congratulations. And I insist you do not elaborate.
So, I am here to talk to you about why you should vote "No" in the zoning issue.
Whoa! Hold up, little chica.
Before we go any further,
I need to ask my girlfriend how she wants me to vote.
Why? Who's your girlfriend?
Hello, Leslie.
Tammy.
Wow. Jamm and Tammy! "Jammy."
Jammy. [BOTH CHUCKLE]
You guys are so cute.
When did you... Why would either one of you, you know...
Why? Dear God, why?
Hit it off at karaoke.
She saw me nail Gangsta's Paradise,
I saw her bite the door guy. [CHUCKLES]
She then let me buy her a bunch of purses.
And the rest is history. A bunch.
Bottom line, I'll vote however Tammy wants me to.
I'm basically her puppet. No big deal. [CHUCKLES]
I moved here solely to destroy Ron Swanson.
That's the only reason I'm still here actually.
Wait a second. This is great news.
Because Ron is my opponent in this.
And you live to torture Ron.
Vote for me so that you can screw Ron over.
Maybe you're not a blonde bimbo after all.
Thank you. Well. Let me mull it over.
LESLIE: Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people,
but think of all the wonderful people who will benefit from a national park.
It's worth it.
And you can trust my opinion
because I have a lot to gain by being right,
and I have severe tunnel vision about achieving my goals.
Whoa! "Executive Director, Regional Affairs." April, congrats on the new job title.
Yeah, thanks. It's a huge step up from
"Regional Affairs Director."
So, for the Pawnee bicentennial,
we're doing a walk of fame of notable Pawnee citizens,
and today is Joan Callamezzo.
I just wanted to invite you to the ceremony today
because I know you love her, inexplicably.
Great pick. She's insane.
Joan has always been kind of a train wreck,
but the last three years, she's gone off the deep end.
She did a string of shows from rehab.
Victoria Herzog,
you were a successful attorney from Wilmington, Delaware.
Then you hit rock bottom.
This is supposed to be anonymous.
She once gave every member in her audience a car.
One car, that they all had to fight for.
Oh, and last year, she did a show where she called all of her ex-boyfriends
while sitting on a washing machine.
Well, Erik, if you didn't give it to me, then who did?
I love her so much. I hope she's my real mom.
"Entrepreneur bachelor, Tom Haverford,"
"is making quite a splash in the culinary world,"
"and we expect even bigger things from him in 2018."
Tom. What does culinary mean?
It means it's a cause for celebration.
Round of drinks for everyone, on the house!
Yeah! Let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagne on the side.
And a spaghetti to go. On the house!
WOMAN: Yes.
TOM: That's the fourth engagement this month.
I'm tired of being an "Entrepreneur/bachelor."
I need to find someone.
Are you bummed, Tom? Hey, I got a quick fix for that.
Let's get hammered. Everything here is free.
Ron.
Miss Knope.
How's that zero-dollar bid coming along?
You know, in my experience with capitalism,
people would normally expect money in exchange for their goods and land.
In my experience with butt faces, you are one.
[GAVEL BANGING]
We will now hear arguments about the Newport property.
First, on behalf of Gryzzl, Mr. Ron Swanson.
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]
Thank you, Councilman. When you vote tomorrow,
we believe you should vote to rezone the land for commercial use.
Well, I'm convinced.
Tomorrow, I'm voting for Gryzzl. What?
I didn't even get a chance to say my plan.
Your plan?
You know who else had a plan?
Please don't say Hitler.
Adolf Hitler!
[SIGHS] I'm with Swanson.
It's a stache thing. Stache bros.
You wouldn't understand. We're done here.
Well, that was easy.
What the hell just happened?
BEN: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations.
I do want to apologize for not being able to
accommodate some of your requests.
For example, we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont
because it's a hotel in Los Angeles, not a wine.
Well, did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing?
No, because he's been famously dead for 60 years.
What? Hi, Joan. Hi, my name is April.
And I'm your biggest fan and I pretty much hate everyone.
Will you sign your ninth memoir for me?
Well, it would be my pleasure. You said your name was Glenn?
Yes, I did. That's pretty.
"Genius A'flame Joan Callamezzo: A Portrait In Words
"Game Of Joans" by Joan Callamezzo.
"I threw the hot soup right in her face."
"It turned out she was not my waitress."
"But I think my point was made."
"And that's when I knew Karl Malone was not the father."
"I estimate that 40% of all pop songs were written about me."
"I broke up the Backstreet Boys both times."
"And I would do it again in a heartbeat."
"My uterus is eight inches flaccid"
"I once fell asleep while falling out the window of Mr. Belvedere's apartment."
"I have Randy Quaid's email address."
That's how it ends.
[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]
Thank you, Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham.
Okay. She thinks she's in Batman.
People often ask me, "Joan, how do you do it?"
It's simple.
I love being on TV.
I've known what I've wanted to do since I was 10 years old.
That is the key to living a good life.
If you don't absolutely love what you do with a true passion,
then what's the point in doing it at all?
On a separate note,
I think that America should have a purge night.
Let me explain why.
Do I even like my job?
I must be the first person ever
to have money, power, and notoriety, but still feel empty.
[SCOFFS]
I need someone to share my life with.
What if your future wife is somebody that you already know?
Let's open your Gryzzl page.
What about her? She's cute. Date her. That's my cousin.
How about her? That's my dad! What's wrong with you?
I'm drunk, okay? Why are you only friends with your family?
[BEEPS]
Oh, look, you got a message from somebody named Lucy in Chicago.
She looks familiar. Yeah, we used to date.
I was super into her. No, that's not it.
Was she in Destiny's Child?
"Hey Tom, saw the article, you boss!"
"Let's catch up soon. Miss you."
[CHUCKLES]
Do you realize what's happening?
We've been sitting here searching for your soul mate this whole time
and then Lucy just Gryzzl-texts you out of nowhere?
It's a sign! And we have to catch it. We are going to Chicago.
Andy?
Think about what you're saying right now.
'Cause it's the smartest idea anyone's ever had!
Let's go! Yeah!
Ron! What did you do?
I delivered a flawless presentation and secured tomorrow's vote.
No, you got all sneaky and snuck around and snooked that vote away from me.
And I know this because earlier I sneaked and snooked around
and Jammy was supposed to vote for me!
The snooker has become the snorked!
What are you talking...
[SNIFFS]
She's near.
Hey, Ron. Tammy.
So, you two are together now.
My condolences to both of you.
You guys were supposed to vote for me.
Leslie, I would never do anything to help you.
You've always been against me and Ron.
You're a big part of the reason that he and I aren't together,
and I had to settle for this placeholder.
I love you so much. [SIGHS]
So you thought if you voted for Ron you could actually win him back?
Yeah. That's right. Did it work, baby?
Are you horny with gratitude?
[LAUGHING]
You two more than deserve each other. Good luck.
[WHISTLES]
LESLIE: The vote is tomorrow.
If I don't get Jamm out from Tammy's clutches, I'm doomed.
It's like rescuing a bunny from a lion.
But that lion is a demonic sociopath with really nice cleavage.
Hey, buddy. What's the happs?
Hey, Knopey. I'm just doing a little wood work in here.
Tammy got me into it. I've gotten real good.
Ow! [BLEEP]
You know, funny coincidence, Ron is also a woodworker.
Small world.
Hey, no hard feels about yesterday, right?
Hard feels? What are you, crazins?
It was so great to catch up. I was thinking maybe we grab lunch, bestie?
Lunch? Yeah, I'm not having lunch with you, Knope.
Now, get out of here!
Okay.
[WHISPERING] We got to be real careful. I think Tammy bugged my office.
Just loudly say that you're leaving.
Well, that's disappointing! I guess I'll leave now!
[WHISPERING] Sell it. Through the door I go!
Creek. Slam. Klip, klop. Klip, klop. Klip, klop.
Yeah, that's right, you get out of here!
Okay, I'm far away.
Yeah, I can see you're out of my office now.
Oh, my God, what are we doing? Let's go.
DRIVER: All right, we're here.
Sir, where the hell are we? Chicago.
That'll be $830.
Oh, no! This is so dumb! Oh, awesome.
Turn the car around. We're going back home.
No way. Pay me. And get the hell outta my cab.
Pay the man.
[YELLING] Chicago!
The big apple.
Well, that's where Lucy works.
Yeah? We must've given the cabbie the address.
Why do I make such dumb decisions when I'm drunk?
At least this time I didn't adopt a pot-bellied pig.
Hampton. I loved him. I miss him too.
All right, let's go home.
What? No. We came all this way. Tom, we should at least say hi.
No. You can't not talk to someone for five years
and then show up unannounced where they work in a different city.
That's what murderers do before they murder someone.
LUCY: Tom?
I thought that was you. What are you doing here?
Oh, uh...
You're not gonna murder me, are you?
No. I'm here doin' stuff.
Um...
Lucy. Hey. Andy Dwyer, remember me?
Yeah. He's here helping me find a place to live.
I just got a job here.
And then when you hit him up on Gryzzl, he was like,
"Let's go say hi to Lucy since we're already here in Chicago."
Yeah. That's the deal.
Cool, what job is it?
Head coach of the Chicago Bulls.
No, he's working at a non-profit.
No. What? Am I?
Oh, that sucks.
Well, listen, I got some stuff I gotta do in the office,
but I wanna hang out.
Do you wanna meet me here in an hour?
Yeah, that sounds great.
We'll go a little Chicago deep dish pizza.
And go watch the Bears. And... No.
I'm sorry I started doing that.
[APRIL MURMURING NERVOUSLY]
Hey, April. How's it going? Fine.
Except hearing Joan talk about her passion and doing what you really love
totally freaked me out.
Eight years ago, I accepted a random internship at the parks department,
and then Leslie told me to do a bunch of stuff,
and now I'm executive director of regional whatever,
and I don't even know what it means.
And I never even asked myself if I even really like it.
I mean, it's like, what is my purpose in life?
What do I even care about?
My insides are dying.
So, not fine.
I don't know what to do. I have to quit.
And go to Nepal and lick a toad and go on a vision quest.
Okay, hold on. Let's just take a deep breath, okay?
What else would you wanna do?
Like, what are you passionate about?
I don't know.
Sleeping. Barking at mailmen.
Catching Frisbees in my mouth. Drinking from the toilet.
Great. Come here. Have a seat.
I am going to help you.
There is this online vocational test I sometimes take for fun
to see if I can ever get "astronaut."
Ugh! That is the nerdiest thing I've ever heard.
Why don't you take it? See what you get.
Can't hurt, right?
Are you checking to see if I get "astronaut"?
Yes. It would kill me.
So this is where you wanna eat lunch? In a steakhouse?
Don't you have irritable bowel syndrome?
God, I hate that I know that.
Yeah, it's murder on the old plumbing.
But Tammy only wants me to eat steak and whiskey.
She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest.
Well, that's love for you.
[GRUNTING]
Smooth.
I don't think this relationship is that healthy.
I mean it seems like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron.
And you're Jeremy Jamm! I mean, come on.
You love Porsches and spiked iced tea.
And you have a Hooters platinum card.
Yeah. Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore.
But, you know, it's good, you know? I'm better now.
I mean, sure, I'm depressed, and I'm constantly sick,
and nothing really brings me joy. But it just feels right.
[SOBBING]
Oh, God! Oh, boy.
Help me, Knope. I used to be so great. Remember?
Everybody thought so. Well...
[SOBBING] Oh, God! Oh, God!
Wow. This is worse than I thought.
[SIGHS]
You're broken. She has broken you.
You need to get away from her.
No, it's hopeless. I can't.
I'm powerless against her.
We're just gonna get married, have a bunch of kids.
It's gonna be great. No.
She's got her eggs frozen down in a bunker in El Salvador. Yeah.
You're gonna make more of you?
Oh, God! Whoa! Hey, look at that. More hair came out.
[LAUGHING]
Okay, the job you're best suited to is...
"No matches"?
Good Lord, you stumped the computer.
I'm just gonna go live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross.
Okay, hold on. Do you remember what Joan said at the ceremony?
That it doesn't count as stripping if no one pays you?
Yes, she did say that. But no.
She knew she wanted to be on TV when she was 10.
So, what did you wanna be when you were 10?
It says here the future of caskets may just be biodegradable plastic.
Oh, you don't say.
Hey. Are you chilly? I'm a little chilly, I think. No.
Hey, guys. Welcome. I'm Dan.
Hi. I'm Ben, this is April. And I'm scared of death.
I'm just really interested in learning what you do.
You're gonna love it here. People are dying to get in.
[LAUGHING]
Come on, come on. We'll start down at the cadaver chute!
The cadaver chute. Come on!
LUCY: Yeah, I think you're really gonna like it here.
And obviously, everyone's in a really great mood now
because of the Cubs winning the series.
ANDY: Yeah. It seems really nice.
I mean, I am gonna miss Pawnee, though.
My wife's there for cryin' out loud.
Yeah, tell me about Pawnee. It sounds like it's really changed.
Oh, yeah. There's a ton of new businesses.
Gryzzl came in, they gave everyone
free tablets and Wi-Fi and phones.
You can watch Hitch 2 anytime, anywhere!
Finally! That's the dream.
Part of me wants to go back, you know.
I always kinda liked it there.
Man, you got me really missing Pawnee now.
I don't know what to do. Am I making the right decision?
[GROANING]
Hey.
Why are you here? I'm calling a temporary truce.
You need to help me break up Jamm and Tammy.
Forget it. You just want Jamm to switch his vote.
What is this, revenge for Morningstar?
No, it is not about that.
It's not about the vote.
There is a guy in real trouble and you might be the only one who can help him.
This is about saving someone's soul.
He is a monster. Monsters do not have souls.
Uh, have you ever seen Monsters, Inc.?
No. Damn it, Ron!
Engage in the culture once in a while!
Jamm! Get in here!
Good God, man, what happened to you?
Tammy happened to him!
Remind you of anyone, Ron?
Do you recognize the puffy face? The hunched-over misery?
The dead, yes somehow, still crazy eyes?
We need to put our issues aside and defend this miserable person!
Jeremy. This is a gold bar.
You keep that in your desk?
I will give you this gold bar
if you say one unflattering thing about Tammy.
If I do,
does Tammy get to keep the gold?
Oh, my God!
RON: When it comes to Tammy, the code is the same as that of the battlefield.
First, you leave no man behind.
Second, you must protect yourself against chemical warfare.
Tammy does not abide by the Geneva Convention.
I made this Tammy deprogramming kit
in case I ever fell victim to her again.
First, this is a chastity belt that I made by hand.
It might be a couple sizes too big for you, but you can just pad it.
The first step is to cut out all sex.
That won't be necessary.
We haven't done the deed yet.
She lets me rub up against her leg sometimes.
RON: Well, all the more reason to wear it.
She knows she has that card left to play, and you best believe she will.
LESLIE: We're also gonna try a Pavlovian technique.
Ron is holding Tammy's perfume, Girth.
Oh.
It smells good. [GRUNTS]
Again.
Tammy. How many times are we gonna do this?
Until the bottle is empty. Again.
[SOBS] Tammy...
Tammy can't save you now!
Where is she? I want her!
Again.
Twice.
Tam... No! [GRUNTS]
It's going well so far but it's too early to tell.
He was pretty far gone.
Hopefully, we get a body in today
so I can show you guys the really fun part.
Draining! Oh, God! I hate this so much.
Cool. Can I touch a dead body?
Whoa! Slow down, eager beaver!
That doesn't happen for at least a year.
Why? How did you become a mortician? Can't I just sign up?
[CHUCKLING] Oh, gosh, no!
You need two years of school and a year-long apprenticeship.
The first few years are mostly paperwork and filing.
[GROANING]
Why is every job just paperwork?
Hey, it's a living. [CHUCKLES]
Get it?
[CHUCKLES] Right. 'Cause we're surrounded by death. This is fun.
Yeah. I think we're gonna go, Dan.
The reality of your life is incredibly depressing.
I'm just gonna stay at my current job until I get old and die and then end up here,
being embalmed by some weirdo
who had to go to school for three years just to cut my guts open.
Let's go. Oh, thank God!
Okay, have a good one.
I gotta say, hanging out with Lucy's been so fun.
She's the best. And I love that she's buying us stuff!
Dude, make your move. Ask her out.
I dunno, she lives here. How would it even work?
Life is about taking risks. Look at me, Tom.
I'm moving to Chicago!
It's just us right now. Do you really think you're moving here?
One XXL, one kid's XL.
Hey! You remembered my size! Yeah.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Hey, Lucy, can I ask you something?
Of course, what's up? I was wondering would you wanna maybe...
Come work for me in Pawnee?
I got the company and it's growing so fast, I can't do it all myself.
And I need a manager, and you're a perfect candidate.
Wow, really?
That does sound kinda awesome.
And it'd be super fun to work with you.
I mean, I'd have to talk to my boyfriend about it first, but...
Yeah, of course!
This is all perfect,
and everything's worked out just as I'd hoped. [CHUCKLES]
Hey, this is why they call it Beantown, huh?
Okay. We're gonna do some scenes
and demonstrate ways that you can resist Tammy.
I will play Tammy, Ron will play you.
[IMITATING TAMMY] "Hey there, horsey."
"Time to mount up and ride on into Bonertown."
"What do you say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom, Jamm?"
Hmm? Huh?
[SOFTLY] Do it. "There will be no sex today, Tammy."
Oh!
"Instead, why don't you go into the pet store and feed yourself to the snakes?"
"To hell with you woman, goodbye."
"Hey, ya big hunk of wiener meat."
"I've got forty hand towels, some energy bars, and a Chinese finger trap."
"Let's get gross."
"This gambit has failed. To hell with you woman, goodbye."
What are you wearing? It's a crotch blinder of my own design.
In this scenario, she will be coming at you pants-less.
Okay, the doors are locked, windows secured,
there is no way Tammy's getting in here.
"Jamm! Strip down, you sex maggot!"
RON: And hold!
What was your mistake?
You didn't check the armoire.
Tammy once camped out in my attic for six days awaiting my arrival.
She survived on rats and rainwater. Let's run it again!
Well, no offense, but you kind of pooched it today.
No, I didn't.
She has a boyfriend, she wouldn't have gone out with me anyway.
I came here to find a love partner, and instead I found a business partner.
You know who else started off as business partners?
Ben and Jerry.
They now have over 1,000 flavors.
The greatest of which, might I add, is Chunky Monkey.
So to answer your question, yes.
Yes, we should go get Ben & Jerry's right now.
No, we're gonna miss our flight. Taxi!
Don't you see the connection?
Lucy's great, we're gonna work together, she has a boyfriend, end of story.
It's not end of story.
I watched you guys today and there is a spark.
A real magic like when walnuts meet chocolate inside of ice-cream.
Tom, let's go! No, get in the cab.
Ben & Jerry's.
Airport, please.
Go without me! I'll meet you there! Ben & Jerry's!
Okay, be strong, be direct.
Be quick and merciless. Leave no room for debate.
Don't forget, you're Jeremy Jamm, you drive a yellow sports car,
you have a golf club cover shaped like a boob.
You say "marg" instead of "margarita."
Yeah, I invented that.
Sure you did, buddy.
Let's go.
TAMMY: Hey, Jerebear.
What are you doing with these two jabronis?
Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought. We should break up.
[LAUGHING]
What's the matter, little boy?
Did the bad people get to you?
They just made me realize how unhealthy this is.
Literally. All the steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper.
[IN CHILDISH TONE] That's 'cause you're my widdle baby!
We drilled you on this, Jamm!
Baby talk, what do you do?
I'm not a baby! I'm a big boy!
Yeah, okay. Well, that wasn't terrible.
Don't listen to Leslie, she's just trying to manipulate you.
All she cares about is herself and I can prove it.
How's this, Leslie?
You leave us alone, and we swing the vote to you.
Help you get your park.
No. Nice try. Stay strong, Jeremy.
[SIGHS]
It's over, Tammy. Tell you what.
It's been long enough.
What do you say we consummate our relationship tonight?
[BREATHING HEAVILY] Huh?
Let's do it.
[RON LAUGHING]
And the last card is played.
What are you doing? [SHUSHING] This is a library!
Do you see what's happening here?
Ron. I need that crotch blinder!
No, you don't. Just end it.
[EXHALES]
Look at my boobs. No.
Look downstairs. No.
There's a prize inside for you. It's over, Tammy.
What?
To hell with you, woman. Goodbye.
How dare you?
Are you kidding me?
You'll be back. They all come back!
They call come back! Well done, Jeremy.
Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along.
Come on, everybody! Who wants to get it on? I'm naked.
Donna, what do I do?
If working around corpses isn't even right for me, then nothing is.
I feel totally lost.
Saturn's Return. What?
Saturn's orbit around the sun takes roughly 29 years,
and when it gets back to where it was when you were born,
lots of turmoil, self-discovery.
When I was your age, I got banned from every riverboat in Germany.
Donna. April. What're you up to?
Oh, you know. Just regionally directing
the Midwest whatever of who cares.
It's amazing. Wanna watch?
I fill out these forms like this and then I put it here.
Then I take it and I bring it over here.
Can you believe that they pay me for this?
Because, don't say anything, but I would do this for free.
[GASPS]
Jeez!
[LAUGHS] I do miss you, Terry.
Let me get you some napkins.
April. You looked at one horrifying job.
I've got a few more ideas. We'll find you something you like. Okay?
Okay, but you can't tell Leslie I might leave.
She'll have a heart attack. Promise?
I promise. Why are you so into helping me right now?
Because I'm finally doing what I love,
and I know how hard it is to get to that place.
And I want you to be happy, because you're my friend.
No, I'm not. I've never cared for you.
Wait, wait.
You're behaving very strangely.
Saturn's Return.
Hey, Brokemons.
I just wanted to let you know that I will be abstaining from the vote today.
You are my two all-time best friends.
And you brought me back from the brink.
So, I can't choose sides.
Although, if I had to pick one side,
it would be Lucy Liu's backside.
[CHUCKLES]
Without Jamm, the vote's two-two.
This was all for nothing.
I thought it was very big of you
to not bend when Tammy promised you the vote.
Well, I thought it was very big of you to help him at all.
You didn't have to do that.
Okay. Back to work, to figure out how to destroy you.
Same. Goodbye.
Dude, thank you so much for this. I really owe you one.
No, you don't. You're smart and qualified and we're totally lucky to have you.
Okay, let's do this.
I still don't know what "claiming allowances" means.
I always just put six. So far, so good.
Dude, you are totally going to jail.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
See? What did I tell you?
Ice-cream is the best.
I might have been right about Tom and Lucy, too.
[LAUGHING] Ice-cream.