1 00:00:03,723 --> 00:00:07,558 that the Newport land should be preserved. 2 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:08,959 - Absolutely. 3 00:00:08,961 --> 00:00:11,429 You see, I'm a ninth level Octopriest 4 00:00:11,431 --> 00:00:13,130 in the Church of the Reasonableists. 5 00:00:13,132 --> 00:00:16,967 - The land is sacred in our religion. 6 00:00:16,969 --> 00:00:20,104 Because it's the place where all human souls will be transmuted 7 00:00:20,106 --> 00:00:22,039 when Zorpe the Lizard God passes through 8 00:00:22,041 --> 00:00:23,974 Jupiter's sphincter. 9 00:00:23,976 --> 00:00:26,110 - Hail, Zorpe. Both: Hail, Zorpe! 10 00:00:26,112 --> 00:00:28,746 - I'm looking for anything to strengthen my case 11 00:00:28,748 --> 00:00:30,948 that the Newport land should become a park, 12 00:00:30,950 --> 00:00:32,650 and not a corporate campus. 13 00:00:32,652 --> 00:00:34,852 Religious reasons, animal conservation, 14 00:00:34,854 --> 00:00:36,020 historical significance. 15 00:00:36,022 --> 00:00:39,623 So hold on to your straws, everybody. 16 00:00:39,625 --> 00:00:41,859 'cause Mama's going graspin'. 17 00:00:41,861 --> 00:00:45,162 - In 1980, there were more than 600 million 18 00:00:45,164 --> 00:00:48,532 Indiana brown ants in that forest. 19 00:00:48,534 --> 00:00:52,703 Today, there are only 595 million. 20 00:00:52,705 --> 00:00:56,807 At that rate, they'll all be gone by the year 2030. 21 00:00:56,809 --> 00:01:00,044 60. - 200 and 3,060? 22 00:01:00,046 --> 00:01:02,646 200,000 years from now? - Yes. 23 00:01:02,648 --> 00:01:04,815 - That doesn't seem like an immediate crisis. 24 00:01:04,817 --> 00:01:06,650 - I got a different idea for that land. 25 00:01:06,652 --> 00:01:09,653 An amusement park with rides and food 26 00:01:09,655 --> 00:01:11,589 and sexy cartoon characters. 27 00:01:11,591 --> 00:01:14,859 I call it Disneyland. - How did you get in here? 28 00:01:14,861 --> 00:01:16,794 - Broke a window. 29 00:01:16,796 --> 00:01:19,797 [triumphant music] 30 00:01:19,799 --> 00:01:25,870 ♪ ♪ 31 00:01:36,915 --> 00:01:38,883 - Oh, hey, guys. Come on in. 32 00:01:38,885 --> 00:01:41,018 You guys, I am Roscoe. 33 00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:44,255 I am Vice President of Cool New Shizz here at Gryzzl. 34 00:01:44,257 --> 00:01:46,690 Feel free in this meeting to break out your vapes 35 00:01:46,692 --> 00:01:47,892 and just kick back. 36 00:01:47,894 --> 00:01:49,193 Now, peep this. 37 00:01:49,195 --> 00:01:51,195 Leslie Knope has been meeting with people 38 00:01:51,197 --> 00:01:53,297 to try to sexy-up her presentation. 39 00:01:53,299 --> 00:01:55,299 So we had this far-Out brain tornado. 40 00:01:55,301 --> 00:01:59,703 - We should get a brity to come kick it with us small time, 41 00:01:59,705 --> 00:02:01,672 and then just be like, "Hey, chumps. 42 00:02:01,674 --> 00:02:02,673 Let's get tight with Gryzz." 43 00:02:02,675 --> 00:02:04,008 - We need a celebrity. 44 00:02:04,010 --> 00:02:06,076 As a minority owner, it'll strengthen Gryzzl's bid. 45 00:02:06,078 --> 00:02:10,781 - Is a celebrity necessary? I prefer quality over flash. 46 00:02:10,783 --> 00:02:13,651 That's why I refuse to write my signature in cursive. 47 00:02:13,653 --> 00:02:15,853 - Celebrities can help with this kind of thing. 48 00:02:15,855 --> 00:02:17,922 The Nets wouldn't be in Brooklyn if it weren't for Jay-Z. 49 00:02:17,924 --> 00:02:20,324 And the sales for Chick-fil-A went through the roof 50 00:02:20,326 --> 00:02:21,559 once Elton John bought 'em. 51 00:02:21,561 --> 00:02:24,161 Gryzzl is an outsider here in Pawnee, 52 00:02:24,163 --> 00:02:26,163 so a local celebrity is gonna make everyone 53 00:02:26,165 --> 00:02:27,865 feel more at ease with us. 54 00:02:27,867 --> 00:02:30,100 And that's why we called on you home court chillers 55 00:02:30,102 --> 00:02:31,669 to frack your braniums. 56 00:02:31,671 --> 00:02:34,138 - Since we're locals, they want us to think of ideas. 57 00:02:34,140 --> 00:02:36,607 - I got it in context. - Okay. 58 00:02:36,609 --> 00:02:40,044 - I have no interest in consorting with celebrities. 59 00:02:40,046 --> 00:02:42,780 The only celebrities I recognize are furniture maker 60 00:02:42,782 --> 00:02:45,749 Garry Knox Bennett, designer of the notorious 61 00:02:45,751 --> 00:02:48,819 16 Penny Nail Cabinet, and Magnus, 62 00:02:48,821 --> 00:02:52,656 the five-by-five bull elk I saw near my cabin two years ago. 63 00:02:52,658 --> 00:02:55,693 Took a shot at the bastard and he stuck his antlers 64 00:02:55,695 --> 00:02:57,828 through the door of my meat shed. 65 00:02:57,830 --> 00:03:01,765 One day, Magnus. I will wear you as a jacket. 66 00:03:01,767 --> 00:03:05,769 - Have you thought about this. You could be an airline pilot. 67 00:03:05,771 --> 00:03:08,973 - I don't like heights. - What about a submarine pilot? 68 00:03:08,975 --> 00:03:11,308 - I don't like depths. - Mm. 69 00:03:11,310 --> 00:03:12,810 - I don't like anything, okay. 70 00:03:12,812 --> 00:03:14,111 You're not gonna be able to find a career for me, 71 00:03:14,113 --> 00:03:15,112 so just give up. 72 00:03:15,114 --> 00:03:17,014 - No way, babe. We can do this. 73 00:03:17,016 --> 00:03:21,218 You say a word, I say a word. We see if it makes a profession. 74 00:03:21,220 --> 00:03:23,854 - Executive. - Trampoline. 75 00:03:23,856 --> 00:03:26,323 - Computer. - Trampoline. 76 00:03:26,325 --> 00:03:28,826 - Trampoline. - Pass. 77 00:03:28,828 --> 00:03:33,197 I need both you and Ron to sign this city point of sale document 78 00:03:33,199 --> 00:03:35,966 since the land you're gunning for lies within city limits. 79 00:03:35,968 --> 00:03:38,002 Can we run over to Ron's office and take care of this? 80 00:03:38,004 --> 00:03:40,337 - Well, I love it when you talk point of sale doc, 81 00:03:40,339 --> 00:03:42,640 'cause you know it turns me on, but, no, no. 82 00:03:42,642 --> 00:03:45,242 There's no way that I will be in the same room with Ron Swanson, 83 00:03:45,244 --> 00:03:48,212 unless it is during a police lineup when I am pointing 84 00:03:48,214 --> 00:03:49,847 him out as the man who betrayed me. 85 00:03:49,849 --> 00:03:51,815 That's him, officer. Ronald Swanson. 86 00:03:51,817 --> 00:03:53,217 [deep voice] Thank you, Leslie. 87 00:03:53,219 --> 00:03:56,654 I'm not supposed to do this, but let me give you a badge 88 00:03:56,656 --> 00:03:59,857 - Could you please focus? It'll take two minutes. 89 00:03:59,859 --> 00:04:02,660 And all signatures need to be notarized, and I really don't 90 00:04:02,662 --> 00:04:05,829 want to have to schedule two different notary appointments. 91 00:04:05,831 --> 00:04:09,833 - Uh, not to eavesdrop, but I have a crazy story. 92 00:04:09,835 --> 00:04:11,669 I recently had a bit of a health scare, 93 00:04:11,671 --> 00:04:15,806 - Oh, God. This story's terrible so far. 94 00:04:15,808 --> 00:04:17,741 - Anyway, I became really motivated once I got out 95 00:04:17,743 --> 00:04:20,844 to finally live life to the fullest. 96 00:04:20,846 --> 00:04:24,715 So...I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams. 97 00:04:24,717 --> 00:04:26,784 And I became a notary public. 98 00:04:26,786 --> 00:04:28,719 So if I go with you, Ron and Leslie 99 00:04:28,721 --> 00:04:29,953 can sign the document separately. 100 00:04:29,955 --> 00:04:31,922 - Yeah, see? Ben, it all works out. 101 00:04:31,924 --> 00:04:35,192 I'll sign the documents here and then you can bring it to Ron 102 00:04:35,194 --> 00:04:37,094 and he can sign it there, and then you can tell Ron 103 00:04:37,096 --> 00:04:38,395 to rot in hell. 104 00:04:38,397 --> 00:04:40,464 - How long are you two gonna go on like this? 105 00:04:40,466 --> 00:04:41,965 You're acting like a little kid. 106 00:04:41,967 --> 00:04:43,867 - No, I'm not. 107 00:04:43,869 --> 00:04:45,936 And infinity plus one year. 108 00:04:45,938 --> 00:04:48,105 Andy? Bring me the next person. 109 00:04:48,107 --> 00:04:52,309 - Perd Hapley. Crazy Ira and the Douche. 110 00:04:52,311 --> 00:04:55,412 That's nice, but I don't know if you can really consider me 111 00:04:55,414 --> 00:04:56,780 a celebrity. 112 00:04:56,782 --> 00:04:59,783 - These are all great options, but I think we need 113 00:04:59,785 --> 00:05:03,120 to go after Pawnee's biggest fish-- 114 00:05:03,122 --> 00:05:04,388 Annabel Porter from Bloosh. 115 00:05:04,390 --> 00:05:09,093 filled with vegan recipes and pointless tchotchkes? 116 00:05:09,095 --> 00:05:11,428 Forget it. That woman is my nightmare. 117 00:05:11,430 --> 00:05:14,364 - Um, she's a big deal, Ron. 118 00:05:14,366 --> 00:05:17,835 Bloosh just won the Pulitzer Prize for Best Top Ten Listicle 119 00:05:17,837 --> 00:05:19,503 two years in a row. 120 00:05:19,505 --> 00:05:23,774 Bill Haggerty from the Pawnee Historical Society. 121 00:05:23,776 --> 00:05:25,976 - Oh, yes, Bill. I remember you. 122 00:05:25,978 --> 00:05:27,845 - I heard you were looking for information 123 00:05:27,847 --> 00:05:31,381 on the Newport land, and I have some very exciting news for you. 124 00:05:31,383 --> 00:05:34,852 It concerns William Henry Harrison. 125 00:05:34,854 --> 00:05:37,187 - We claim William Henry Harrison as a hero 126 00:05:37,189 --> 00:05:38,422 because he was the first governor 127 00:05:38,424 --> 00:05:39,890 of the Indiana territories, 128 00:05:39,892 --> 00:05:41,925 and then President of the United States. 129 00:05:41,927 --> 00:05:43,494 We're also a little ashamed of him 130 00:05:43,496 --> 00:05:46,196 because he didn't wear a coat at his inauguration, 131 00:05:46,198 --> 00:05:49,399 caught a bad cold and died 32 days later. 132 00:05:49,401 --> 00:05:51,135 He's an embarrassing footnote. 133 00:05:51,137 --> 00:05:53,504 But he's our embarrassing footnote. 134 00:05:53,506 --> 00:05:56,874 - I've recently self-Published a biography about Harrison 135 00:05:56,876 --> 00:05:59,510 entitled, Barely A President. 136 00:05:59,512 --> 00:06:03,347 William Henry Harrison's 32 Days In The White House." 137 00:06:03,349 --> 00:06:05,249 I discovered that Harrison had 138 00:06:05,251 --> 00:06:07,785 a heretofore unknown hunting lodge 139 00:06:07,787 --> 00:06:10,521 on the very land you're trying to acquire. 140 00:06:10,523 --> 00:06:13,791 - Um, spoilers much? Now I'll never read that book. 141 00:06:13,793 --> 00:06:16,293 - If a U.S. President had a house on that land, 142 00:06:16,295 --> 00:06:18,462 it could qualify for historic landmark status, 143 00:06:18,464 --> 00:06:20,497 and we could really stick it to Ron's team. 144 00:06:20,499 --> 00:06:23,367 not the reason why we're doing this. 145 00:06:23,369 --> 00:06:25,302 Okay. Show me this incredible lodge. 146 00:06:25,304 --> 00:06:28,839 - That book sounded so boring, I cried a little. 147 00:06:28,841 --> 00:06:31,241 - Oh, babe. I'm sorry you had to hear that. 148 00:06:31,243 --> 00:06:32,576 You're safe now. 149 00:06:32,578 --> 00:06:35,179 Sorry to bother you, but I need you to sign 150 00:06:35,181 --> 00:06:37,381 this point of sale document. 151 00:06:37,383 --> 00:06:39,817 And please sign it in cursive. 152 00:06:39,819 --> 00:06:41,418 It raises a lot of red flags if you-- 153 00:06:41,420 --> 00:06:44,054 - No. - Okay. 154 00:06:44,056 --> 00:06:46,456 So... what's Leslie up to? 155 00:06:46,458 --> 00:06:48,158 - Well, I don't think I should discuss that, 156 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:49,827 given that you're in competition. 157 00:06:49,829 --> 00:06:52,596 Need to remain neutral. - Fair enough. 158 00:06:52,598 --> 00:06:54,298 Terry, what's Leslie up to? 159 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:56,900 - She is trying to find a historical to earmark 160 00:06:56,902 --> 00:06:57,901 the land for preservation. 161 00:06:57,903 --> 00:06:59,236 - Terry, come on, man. 162 00:06:59,238 --> 00:07:02,072 - Leslie, you little sneak. 163 00:07:02,074 --> 00:07:04,441 If Leslie's going for a hook, we should too. 164 00:07:04,443 --> 00:07:08,078 Let's get Annabel Bloosh Person. - Yes! 165 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:09,613 Glad to see you finally come around 166 00:07:09,615 --> 00:07:13,083 Now will you please consider investing 167 00:07:13,085 --> 00:07:15,352 in that toddler cologne I've been bugging you about. 168 00:07:15,354 --> 00:07:16,520 Toddler cologne. 169 00:07:16,522 --> 00:07:18,956 Baby--tsst tsst-- you smell good. 170 00:07:21,059 --> 00:07:22,960 - Here we are. 171 00:07:22,962 --> 00:07:26,330 - Here we are, like, "Here's the place where I buried the map 172 00:07:26,332 --> 00:07:28,332 that will show us the way to William Henry Harrison's 173 00:07:28,334 --> 00:07:33,203 - No, this is all that's left. - This place is awesome. 174 00:07:33,205 --> 00:07:35,539 Hey, we should sell our dumb house and buy this one. 175 00:07:35,541 --> 00:07:38,308 - Okay, you know, I love William Henry Harrison as much, 176 00:07:38,310 --> 00:07:42,112 if not slightly more than the next guy, but this is garbage. 177 00:07:42,114 --> 00:07:44,581 I mean, literally, there's a bag of old hamburgers over there. 178 00:07:44,583 --> 00:07:47,618 - What? Ohh. 179 00:07:47,620 --> 00:07:50,020 - We're running out of time and we need to beat Ron. 180 00:07:50,022 --> 00:07:53,957 So...we're gonna have to use this old pile of bricks. 181 00:07:53,959 --> 00:07:56,994 I need to gather everything I can on William Henry Harrison. 182 00:07:56,996 --> 00:07:59,997 - Let's head to the Harrison Museum over in Vincennes. 183 00:07:59,999 --> 00:08:01,665 I volunteer there part time. 184 00:08:01,667 --> 00:08:04,568 - I just found an artifact! Historical artifact. 185 00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:07,137 William Henry Harrison's wig. 186 00:08:07,139 --> 00:08:09,907 - Andy, put that down. - Cool. 187 00:08:12,477 --> 00:08:12,910 . 188 00:08:12,912 --> 00:08:15,145 - You've got to be kidding me. 189 00:08:15,147 --> 00:08:18,649 so then the signatures are invalid. 190 00:08:18,651 --> 00:08:20,651 - Can't we just say it was there? 191 00:08:20,653 --> 00:08:23,120 - You're asking a notary to lie. 192 00:08:23,122 --> 00:08:28,058 And then a different notary notarized the oath I signed. 193 00:08:28,060 --> 00:08:31,495 - William Henry Harrison is totally ridiculous. 194 00:08:31,497 --> 00:08:33,697 They can't even fill a small museum with real stuff 195 00:08:33,699 --> 00:08:35,632 about his life because he was so lame. 196 00:08:35,634 --> 00:08:39,202 The "If He'd Worn A Coat Room" explores how great America 197 00:08:39,204 --> 00:08:43,206 would have been if Harrison had worn a coat at his inauguration. 198 00:08:43,208 --> 00:08:45,008 And not died. 199 00:08:45,010 --> 00:08:46,343 [Tubthumping playing] This room is called 200 00:08:46,345 --> 00:08:49,212 "Other Things That Were Famous for One Month." 201 00:08:49,214 --> 00:08:54,217 Oh, and side note, admission to this museum costs $14. 202 00:08:54,219 --> 00:08:57,120 And while you're here, why not visit 203 00:08:57,122 --> 00:09:00,190 the "Other Famous Harrisons" exhibit. 204 00:09:00,192 --> 00:09:03,193 - Okay, guys, this is so great. 205 00:09:03,195 --> 00:09:06,163 During the election campaign of 1840, William Henry Harrison 206 00:09:06,165 --> 00:09:11,101 supporters rolled this ten foot tin and paper ball 207 00:09:11,103 --> 00:09:13,670 down country lanes all across America. 208 00:09:13,672 --> 00:09:15,739 And--And they would sing along with a jug band, 209 00:09:15,741 --> 00:09:17,274 and it was just so exciting. 210 00:09:17,276 --> 00:09:19,009 People would come for miles just to see it. 211 00:09:19,011 --> 00:09:22,079 - Why, was there something inside this stupid ball? 212 00:09:22,081 --> 00:09:23,547 Ooh, like a giant hamster? 213 00:09:23,549 --> 00:09:26,183 - This is what we have to work with, okay. 214 00:09:26,185 --> 00:09:28,652 We are up against a very flashy internet company, 215 00:09:28,654 --> 00:09:31,555 and we should be aiming for quantity over quality. 216 00:09:31,557 --> 00:09:34,424 So we're gonna throw a bunch of Harrison facts at them 217 00:09:34,426 --> 00:09:37,461 and a big pile of bricks and whatever else we can find. 218 00:09:37,463 --> 00:09:40,197 Quantity, people. Quantity! 219 00:09:40,199 --> 00:09:42,299 - Wow. 220 00:09:42,301 --> 00:09:45,268 This is exactly what I imagine Heaven looks like. 221 00:09:45,270 --> 00:09:48,238 Right down to the unisex linen tunics. 222 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:50,207 Annabel, ma cherie. - Hi. 223 00:09:50,209 --> 00:09:52,142 I'm sorry I'm late for our coven. 224 00:09:52,144 --> 00:09:55,178 I was polishing my oyster forks with a cage-free olive oil rub. 225 00:09:55,180 --> 00:09:57,047 - Apology accepted, and then 226 00:09:57,049 --> 00:10:00,017 I have no reaction to anything else you said. 227 00:10:00,019 --> 00:10:03,020 - I can't help but ask, what's in right now? 228 00:10:03,022 --> 00:10:05,255 - Well, this season I'm intrigued 229 00:10:05,257 --> 00:10:08,458 by...asymmetrical overalls, 230 00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:11,762 angora toothbrushes, and locally sourced 231 00:10:11,764 --> 00:10:16,533 Also, there's a flirty trend in beverages. 232 00:10:16,535 --> 00:10:18,735 So you've had soy milk and almond milk. 233 00:10:18,737 --> 00:10:24,408 Now try the hottest new craze...beef milk. 234 00:10:24,410 --> 00:10:29,079 It's like almond milk that's been squeezed through tiny holes 235 00:10:29,081 --> 00:10:32,215 in living cows. 236 00:10:32,217 --> 00:10:33,683 - It's [bleep] milk. 237 00:10:33,685 --> 00:10:36,219 - No. - No. 238 00:10:36,221 --> 00:10:37,721 Milk cost $3 a gallon. 239 00:10:37,723 --> 00:10:39,289 Annabel's authentic, hand-strained 240 00:10:39,291 --> 00:10:40,724 teat-to-table beef milk, 241 00:10:40,726 --> 00:10:43,126 that costs $60 a gallon. 242 00:10:43,128 --> 00:10:45,695 - Yeah, and there's a wait list. 243 00:10:45,697 --> 00:10:48,131 This woman knows business. 244 00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:50,467 - And I'd be extremely jazzed to be a part of the Gryzzl bid. 245 00:10:50,469 --> 00:10:54,538 Shall we discuss it in my yurt? Great. 246 00:10:54,540 --> 00:10:58,575 - Ron? Okay, let's try this again. 247 00:10:58,577 --> 00:11:03,380 All pages accounted for, just sign right here. 248 00:11:03,382 --> 00:11:05,549 - How is Leslie doing with her quest? 249 00:11:05,551 --> 00:11:08,251 - Again, I don't want to talk about her plan with you, 250 00:11:08,253 --> 00:11:09,786 nor yours with her. 251 00:11:09,788 --> 00:11:12,189 Sure you understand. - Absolutely. 252 00:11:12,191 --> 00:11:13,790 Terry, what is Leslie up to? 253 00:11:13,792 --> 00:11:15,292 - Oh, getting ready for a big press conference. 254 00:11:15,294 --> 00:11:17,227 - Terry, come on. 255 00:11:17,229 --> 00:11:21,465 So she's found something to strengthen her bid. 256 00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:25,235 Ms. Porter, no need to discuss any further. 257 00:11:25,237 --> 00:11:27,404 You will be the face of the Gryzzl bid. 258 00:11:27,406 --> 00:11:32,209 Well, this calls for a celebratory dram of aged grappa. 259 00:11:32,211 --> 00:11:33,410 Okay, so I just sign here? - No. 260 00:11:33,412 --> 00:11:35,312 No, no! Aw. 261 00:11:35,314 --> 00:11:38,248 - Great. There you go. 262 00:11:38,250 --> 00:11:41,251 - Yeah, that's invalid now. - Yeah, I know. 263 00:11:41,253 --> 00:11:43,220 - Excuse me, Mr. Haggerty? 264 00:11:43,222 --> 00:11:45,655 I just wanted to say that I really like your museum. 265 00:11:45,657 --> 00:11:50,727 It's weird and sad and unnecessary. 266 00:11:50,729 --> 00:11:56,433 Is there, like, a museum curator position I could apply for? 267 00:11:56,435 --> 00:11:59,569 - Sorry, everyone here is a volunteer. 268 00:11:59,571 --> 00:12:01,605 Though you do get a yearly stipend 269 00:12:01,607 --> 00:12:04,708 of 50,000 Harrison Bucks. 270 00:12:04,710 --> 00:12:08,645 Accepted only at that vending machine. 271 00:12:08,647 --> 00:12:11,548 - Thanks. - That's a bummer. 272 00:12:11,550 --> 00:12:12,916 But, hey, hey, listen. 273 00:12:12,918 --> 00:12:16,253 Maybe you could start your own museum. 274 00:12:16,255 --> 00:12:17,387 - About what? 275 00:12:17,389 --> 00:12:20,190 I'm sorry, but I am not like you. 276 00:12:20,192 --> 00:12:25,328 The only things I like are dogs, sleeping late, 277 00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:27,164 and weird birthmarks. 278 00:12:27,166 --> 00:12:29,199 You can't make museums about those. 279 00:12:29,201 --> 00:12:31,234 This is another dead end. - Guys? 280 00:12:31,236 --> 00:12:33,670 Somebody grab the reading glasses, 281 00:12:33,672 --> 00:12:35,172 somebody grab that walking stick. 282 00:12:35,174 --> 00:12:36,640 Grab everything you can. 283 00:12:36,642 --> 00:12:39,876 I'm officially dubbing this Operation Quantity. 284 00:12:39,878 --> 00:12:41,378 - Oh, thank God you're still here. 285 00:12:41,380 --> 00:12:44,447 I cannot believe the weird notary hell 286 00:12:44,449 --> 00:12:47,751 - Been more like heaven for me. I mean, what a day. 287 00:12:47,753 --> 00:12:50,220 - What's Ron up to? - Okay, I am not-- 288 00:12:50,222 --> 00:12:51,655 - No, no, you have to tell me because you legally vow yourself 289 00:12:51,657 --> 00:12:52,722 to me in marriage. 290 00:12:52,724 --> 00:12:54,357 Sucker. - Okay, fine. 291 00:12:54,359 --> 00:12:56,393 They got Annabel Porter to be the celebrity face 292 00:12:56,395 --> 00:12:57,394 of their group. 293 00:12:57,396 --> 00:12:58,628 - Little rat. 294 00:12:58,630 --> 00:13:00,297 Okay. Two can play this game. 295 00:13:00,299 --> 00:13:03,466 Bill? Operation Quantity needs a face. 296 00:13:03,468 --> 00:13:05,302 Does William Henry Harrison have any direct descendants 297 00:13:05,304 --> 00:13:10,640 - One--a distant nephew named Zack Harrison. 298 00:13:10,642 --> 00:13:13,310 - This is our guy. American royalty. 299 00:13:13,312 --> 00:13:16,780 His veins pulse with the blood of our storied forefather. 300 00:13:16,782 --> 00:13:19,316 - Zack Harrison? I went to camp with this guy. 301 00:13:19,318 --> 00:13:23,386 'cause he had terrible B.O., and then he went with Janine, 302 00:13:23,388 --> 00:13:25,322 our counselor, and he fell asleep and got a boner. 303 00:13:25,324 --> 00:13:27,324 - Well, he's American royalty, okay? 304 00:13:27,326 --> 00:13:28,658 And we need him for the press conference, and we need 305 00:13:28,660 --> 00:13:30,694 all of this stuff. 306 00:13:30,696 --> 00:13:34,631 So help me God, I will make a mountain out of this mole hill. 307 00:13:34,633 --> 00:13:38,001 - Leslie, I do-- - Quantity, people. 308 00:13:40,271 --> 00:13:40,503 . 309 00:13:40,505 --> 00:13:42,939 - Notary public's can trace our origin all the way back 310 00:13:42,941 --> 00:13:44,474 to ancient Rome. 311 00:13:44,476 --> 00:13:46,309 - No way. - Calvin Coolidge was a notary. 312 00:13:46,311 --> 00:13:47,677 - Oh. - Mm-hmm. 313 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:49,379 And so was Calvin Coolidge's dad 314 00:13:49,381 --> 00:13:51,781 and so was Calvin Coolidge's paternal grandfather. 315 00:13:51,783 --> 00:13:55,452 - It's 2.5 pounds of pressure is what you need 316 00:13:55,454 --> 00:13:56,920 to get the perfect stamp. 317 00:13:56,922 --> 00:13:58,622 They have this monthly-- 318 00:13:58,624 --> 00:14:00,457 Well, it's a notary email newsletter 319 00:14:00,459 --> 00:14:01,458 and, oh, my gosh-- 320 00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:02,892 - All right. - Ben, it's fun. 321 00:14:02,894 --> 00:14:04,394 It's just fun. 322 00:14:04,396 --> 00:14:05,895 - Babe? 323 00:14:05,897 --> 00:14:07,764 I have been thinking a lot about what you said. 324 00:14:07,766 --> 00:14:10,700 I made a list of everything that I know you like. 325 00:14:10,702 --> 00:14:12,702 Playing with our dog, staring contests, 326 00:14:12,704 --> 00:14:14,871 sex with me, et cetera. 327 00:14:14,873 --> 00:14:17,540 And then, I lost the list. 328 00:14:17,542 --> 00:14:19,009 So I had to make a new list. 329 00:14:19,011 --> 00:14:20,877 I didn't have any paper, so I wrote it on my leg. 330 00:14:20,879 --> 00:14:23,613 And that's when my leg fell asleep-- 331 00:14:23,615 --> 00:14:25,649 - Okay, could you just skip ahead a little? 332 00:14:25,651 --> 00:14:27,917 - What do all the things on that list have in common? 333 00:14:27,919 --> 00:14:30,053 They're one-on-one. 334 00:14:30,055 --> 00:14:34,858 You like dealing with people, or dogs, one-on-one. 335 00:14:34,860 --> 00:14:37,727 See, we don't make a list of the things that you love, 336 00:14:37,729 --> 00:14:40,597 we make a list of the reasons why you love them. 337 00:14:40,599 --> 00:14:43,733 And then we find something that fits that list. 338 00:14:43,735 --> 00:14:45,835 - You're the best husband ever. 339 00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:52,876 You wanted to meet with me about a press conference? 340 00:14:52,878 --> 00:14:56,413 Yes, I am Leslie. It is an honor to have you here. 341 00:14:56,415 --> 00:14:59,883 You are Indiana's last living link to this great man. 342 00:14:59,885 --> 00:15:02,819 you should make a big deal out of this. 343 00:15:02,821 --> 00:15:05,021 I just happen to be a descendant of a guy. 344 00:15:05,023 --> 00:15:06,823 You could be the descendant of George Washington. 345 00:15:06,825 --> 00:15:08,591 I wouldn't know. - Do you-- 346 00:15:08,593 --> 00:15:09,826 - No, that was just a hypothetical. 347 00:15:09,828 --> 00:15:14,831 that we shared very similar jaw lines. 348 00:15:14,833 --> 00:15:16,533 Wow. That is something to chew on. 349 00:15:16,535 --> 00:15:17,901 Anyway, okay. It doesn't matter. 350 00:15:17,903 --> 00:15:19,803 I need this to be very impressive. 351 00:15:19,805 --> 00:15:23,873 So head on in there and be presidential...ly descendant. 352 00:15:23,875 --> 00:15:25,342 Just go in there. Okay? 353 00:15:25,344 --> 00:15:26,476 Just walk, walk, walk. - I don't-- 354 00:15:26,478 --> 00:15:27,811 - Quiet down. Walk in. 355 00:15:27,813 --> 00:15:29,813 - Zack. Camp Wamapo, you got a boner. 356 00:15:29,815 --> 00:15:31,815 We'll catch up. What a dick. 357 00:15:31,817 --> 00:15:34,684 - Hey! No. 358 00:15:34,686 --> 00:15:36,886 No, no, no, no, no, no. What--Ron? 359 00:15:36,888 --> 00:15:39,422 - Setting up for our press conference, 360 00:15:39,424 --> 00:15:41,524 which will take place immediately after yours. 361 00:15:41,526 --> 00:15:43,026 - Are you crazy? You can't do that. 362 00:15:43,028 --> 00:15:45,562 - Do you want me to bite him? - No. 363 00:15:45,564 --> 00:15:46,930 Ignore them. 364 00:15:46,932 --> 00:15:49,799 We start in ten minutes. 365 00:15:49,801 --> 00:15:52,001 - Swanson, you didn't say anything about ambushing 366 00:15:52,003 --> 00:15:53,903 Leslie's press conference. 367 00:15:53,905 --> 00:15:55,405 - I didn't think it was relevant. 368 00:15:55,407 --> 00:15:56,940 - Come on, man. This isn't cool. 369 00:15:56,942 --> 00:15:59,743 - This is a competition. We need to win it. 370 00:15:59,745 --> 00:16:02,812 Please do your jobs. 371 00:16:02,814 --> 00:16:06,783 Pawnee is a place of culture, history, and heritage, 372 00:16:06,785 --> 00:16:09,018 and the National Park Service is proud to say 373 00:16:09,020 --> 00:16:11,521 that we've discovered a new chapter in the life 374 00:16:11,523 --> 00:16:14,691 of local hero and president, William Henry Harrison. 375 00:16:14,693 --> 00:16:16,526 [Hail to the Chief playing] A heretofore unknown 376 00:16:16,528 --> 00:16:19,763 hunting lodge was recently discovered 377 00:16:19,765 --> 00:16:22,932 smack dab in the middle of the Newport land. 378 00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:25,902 What great historical moments 379 00:16:25,904 --> 00:16:28,138 took place within these hallowed halls? 380 00:16:28,140 --> 00:16:31,541 Did Harrison plan his presidential campaign 381 00:16:31,543 --> 00:16:33,076 while sitting around the hearth? 382 00:16:33,078 --> 00:16:34,911 Which used to be there. 383 00:16:34,913 --> 00:16:36,746 Did he write letters to Thomas Jefferson 384 00:16:36,748 --> 00:16:38,148 on his roll top desk? 385 00:16:38,150 --> 00:16:40,450 Which, you know, I don't know, might have existed. 386 00:16:40,452 --> 00:16:42,986 The point is, William Henry Harrison 387 00:16:42,988 --> 00:16:47,457 would have wanted this land preserved as a national park. 388 00:16:47,459 --> 00:16:49,893 Don't believe me? Let's ask him. 389 00:16:49,895 --> 00:16:54,764 In the form of his direct descendant, Zachary. 390 00:16:56,767 --> 00:17:00,603 - Hi, I'm Zack. Harrison. 391 00:17:00,605 --> 00:17:03,907 Zachary, what is it like being a descendant 392 00:17:03,909 --> 00:17:05,875 of William Henry Harrison? 393 00:17:05,877 --> 00:17:08,077 - Uh, Harrison's a pretty common last name. 394 00:17:08,079 --> 00:17:10,146 - Okay, sit. Now. 395 00:17:10,148 --> 00:17:13,149 Travel back in time with me to 1840 396 00:17:13,151 --> 00:17:15,785 when William Henry Harrison, Old Tippecanoe, 397 00:17:15,787 --> 00:17:17,520 runs for president. 398 00:17:17,522 --> 00:17:22,592 And his campaign rolls this giant tin and paper ball 399 00:17:22,594 --> 00:17:26,830 from town to town, while Americans everywhere sing along. 400 00:17:26,832 --> 00:17:27,897 Hit it, gang. 401 00:17:27,899 --> 00:17:29,666 [playing folk music] 402 00:17:29,668 --> 00:17:32,836 - ♪ What has caused this great commotion motion motion ♪ 403 00:17:32,838 --> 00:17:34,237 ♪ our country through ♪ 404 00:17:34,239 --> 00:17:36,706 ♪ It is the ball a-Rolling on ♪ 405 00:17:36,708 --> 00:17:38,007 - They're talking about this ball. 406 00:17:38,009 --> 00:17:40,477 - ♪ For Tippecanoe and Tyler too ♪ 407 00:17:40,479 --> 00:17:42,812 ♪ Tippecanoe and Tyler too... ♪ 408 00:17:42,814 --> 00:17:45,081 - Van. Van's Martin van Buren. 409 00:17:45,083 --> 00:17:46,516 That's who. 410 00:17:46,518 --> 00:17:47,784 - ♪ Van is a used up man ♪ 411 00:17:47,786 --> 00:17:51,654 ♪ and with them we'll beat little Van ♪ 412 00:17:51,656 --> 00:17:53,790 [electronic horn sounds] 413 00:17:53,792 --> 00:17:55,758 - Wow, that was cool. 414 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,895 Said some boring idiot from 200 years ago. 415 00:17:58,897 --> 00:18:01,264 Who cares about some dumb grandpa and a tin ball? 416 00:18:01,266 --> 00:18:03,700 That's the past. Gryzzl is the future. 417 00:18:03,702 --> 00:18:06,769 The Newport land will become the Midwest headquarters 418 00:18:06,771 --> 00:18:09,272 of America's most dynamic technology company. 419 00:18:09,274 --> 00:18:12,976 - Here to introduce our vision is Annabel Riordan from Bloosh 420 00:18:12,978 --> 00:18:14,911 and the sexy ladies known in Pawnee as 421 00:18:14,913 --> 00:18:18,848 The Somebody's Daughter Dancers. 422 00:18:18,850 --> 00:18:21,885 [fast paced music] - Fresh. 423 00:18:21,887 --> 00:18:24,921 Innovative. Place-Making. 424 00:18:24,923 --> 00:18:28,725 Disposable duvets. Growth-Hacking. 425 00:18:28,727 --> 00:18:31,561 Super-Moon Gryzzl. 426 00:18:31,563 --> 00:18:36,933 Now come with me as we binge watch the future. 427 00:18:39,937 --> 00:18:43,773 - That was sickening. All flash and no substance. 428 00:18:43,775 --> 00:18:46,776 - It was exactly as substantive as your presentation. 429 00:18:46,778 --> 00:18:48,211 - No, it was not. 430 00:18:48,213 --> 00:18:50,113 We had way more quantity than you. 431 00:18:50,115 --> 00:18:51,981 - Please. Please. 432 00:18:51,983 --> 00:18:55,018 For the love of all that is holy, both of you, 433 00:18:55,020 --> 00:18:58,788 please sign this form. 434 00:18:58,790 --> 00:19:04,227 with these same forms for you to sign because I've died 435 00:19:04,229 --> 00:19:07,664 somehow and now I'm a ghost living in Purgatory 436 00:19:07,666 --> 00:19:09,832 until I complete my unfinished business. 437 00:19:09,834 --> 00:19:11,634 - Okay, I'm not signing anything he's signing. 438 00:19:11,636 --> 00:19:13,937 - Did you just hear what I said? 439 00:19:13,939 --> 00:19:16,239 No, of course, you didn't, because I'm a ghost. 440 00:19:16,241 --> 00:19:18,708 - You know what? I can't stand you. 441 00:19:18,710 --> 00:19:22,679 I can't stand your stupid mustache and your stupid shirt, 442 00:19:22,681 --> 00:19:24,914 and your stupid name, Ron. 443 00:19:24,916 --> 00:19:26,916 Ron. It's not even a word. 444 00:19:26,918 --> 00:19:27,884 - Well, I have had just about enough 445 00:19:27,886 --> 00:19:30,086 of your stubborn behavior. 446 00:19:30,088 --> 00:19:31,888 Ever since the Morningstar incident, 447 00:19:31,890 --> 00:19:33,790 you have been completely unreasonable. 448 00:19:33,792 --> 00:19:35,258 - You are the unreasonable one! 449 00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:37,827 You've been unreasonable way before Morningstar. 450 00:19:37,829 --> 00:19:40,029 You're the most unreasonable, stubborn person I have ever met. 451 00:19:40,031 --> 00:19:41,931 And I am never gonna change my mind on that, 452 00:19:41,933 --> 00:19:45,201 no matter what anybody says! 453 00:19:45,203 --> 00:19:47,737 - You're not that good at scrapbooking. 454 00:19:47,739 --> 00:19:51,941 - What? 455 00:19:51,943 --> 00:19:53,876 - Okay, would you just sign right here? 456 00:19:53,878 --> 00:19:56,212 And I will need your thumbprints. 457 00:19:58,949 --> 00:19:59,182 . 458 00:19:59,184 --> 00:20:01,217 - Man, those two really hate each other. 459 00:20:01,219 --> 00:20:03,219 That feud's like Biggie-Tupac level. 460 00:20:03,221 --> 00:20:05,855 Maybe even Morgan Freeman- Shailene Woodley level. 461 00:20:05,857 --> 00:20:07,890 - Nah, it's bad, but it's not that bad. 462 00:20:07,892 --> 00:20:11,027 - This is like when the triplets fight, except I can't just give 463 00:20:11,029 --> 00:20:14,731 Leslie and Ron stuffed animals to make them calm down. 464 00:20:14,733 --> 00:20:17,300 Actually, that might work. Have we tried that? 465 00:20:17,302 --> 00:20:20,303 I really--I don't think they hate each other. 466 00:20:20,305 --> 00:20:23,373 I just think they're very different people and they just 467 00:20:23,375 --> 00:20:25,775 drifted apart once they stopped working in the same office. 468 00:20:28,245 --> 00:20:31,047 [knock at door] - You okay? 469 00:20:31,049 --> 00:20:34,083 - Yeah, well I ordered 60 veggie pizzas to Ron's office, 470 00:20:34,085 --> 00:20:35,318 so that calmed me down a little. 471 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:39,122 - I know you're furious at him. 472 00:20:39,124 --> 00:20:43,159 But please, come to a neutral site and sit with Ron 473 00:20:43,161 --> 00:20:46,329 for 30 seconds so I can get this dumb document signed. 474 00:20:46,331 --> 00:20:47,764 - Ugh. 475 00:20:47,766 --> 00:20:49,232 - I'll let you rename the triplets 476 00:20:49,234 --> 00:20:52,035 Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg. 477 00:20:52,037 --> 00:20:55,204 - Okay, fine. But I get to sign first. 478 00:20:55,206 --> 00:20:56,406 - Oh, my God. 479 00:20:56,408 --> 00:20:58,241 - All right, let's just get this over with. 480 00:20:58,243 --> 00:21:00,009 - Oh, let me get that for you. 481 00:21:01,445 --> 00:21:03,279 [lock beeps] 482 00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:07,950 Got 'em. - What? 483 00:21:07,952 --> 00:21:09,819 What's going on? What's going on? 484 00:21:09,821 --> 00:21:12,188 - Let us out immediately. - No. 485 00:21:12,190 --> 00:21:16,726 This has gone too far, and you are not leaving this office 486 00:21:16,728 --> 00:21:20,263 until you've made peace. 487 00:21:20,265 --> 00:21:22,331 both: Nooo!