1 00:00:03,769 --> 00:00:05,570 - No, no, no. 2 00:00:05,572 --> 00:00:07,872 [grunts] - Sorry, Ron, doors are locked. 3 00:00:07,874 --> 00:00:10,174 We've taken your key cards and your phones, 4 00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:11,876 and the automatic timer won't go off 5 00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:13,478 until tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. 6 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,180 - We told security not to disturb you 7 00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:18,349 under any circumstances. 8 00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:19,450 And the phones and internet? 9 00:00:19,452 --> 00:00:23,254 - And I left a rusty hacksaw on the table, 10 00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:25,756 so the first person who hacks their face off gets release. 11 00:00:25,758 --> 00:00:27,291 - [laughs] That's not--what? 12 00:00:27,293 --> 00:00:28,593 Is that true? 13 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:31,129 - Guys, this is insane, okay? Let us out. 14 00:00:31,131 --> 00:00:33,231 Oh, my God, babe. Game of Thrones is on tonight. 15 00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:34,465 It's the series finale. 16 00:00:34,467 --> 00:00:36,901 Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow. 17 00:00:36,903 --> 00:00:39,270 Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails. 18 00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:40,905 - It makes sense if you've read the books. 19 00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:43,407 Look, our baby monitor is on the table. 20 00:00:43,409 --> 00:00:45,343 If you guys can talk this out 21 00:00:45,345 --> 00:00:47,612 and settle your differences like grown-ups, 22 00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:50,581 turn it on, and I will come to get you from my office. 23 00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:53,818 Otherwise, we will see you at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. 24 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,653 - I am going to break out of here, 25 00:00:55,655 --> 00:00:58,256 then I am going to snap you in half. 26 00:00:58,258 --> 00:00:59,290 - Hey. 27 00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:00,791 This is not his fault, Swanson. 28 00:01:00,793 --> 00:01:03,461 Be a man, and get your house in order. 29 00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:05,329 You too, Knope. 30 00:01:05,331 --> 00:01:08,499 I really hope you can work out your differences. 31 00:01:08,501 --> 00:01:10,635 - Terry, look at me. 32 00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:12,770 Is this what you want to do? 33 00:01:12,772 --> 00:01:16,407 Think very carefully, son. 34 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:17,508 - There you go. 35 00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:18,943 That's right, buddy. 36 00:01:18,945 --> 00:01:20,378 Come on. 37 00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:23,281 For once in your life, do something right. 38 00:01:23,283 --> 00:01:24,815 - Stop it, Terry. 39 00:01:24,817 --> 00:01:26,384 Both of you. Come on. 40 00:01:26,386 --> 00:01:28,186 both: Damn it, Terry! 41 00:01:28,188 --> 00:01:31,189 [triumphant music] 42 00:01:31,191 --> 00:01:39,263 ♪ ♪ 43 00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:50,474 - Okay, think. 44 00:01:50,476 --> 00:01:52,276 There must be a way out of here. 45 00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:55,813 They installed these magnetic locks two years ago. 46 00:01:55,815 --> 00:01:57,348 There's no way around them. - [grunts] 47 00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:58,783 Yes, there is. 48 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,885 I'll simply punch my fist through a window. 49 00:02:00,887 --> 00:02:03,287 - Ron, there's security wire in there. 50 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:04,555 You'll slice your arm open. 51 00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:06,424 - I would rather bleed out than sit here 52 00:02:06,426 --> 00:02:09,327 and talk about my feelings for ten hours. 53 00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:10,328 - There is another way. 54 00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:11,729 We'll just wait a few minutes, 55 00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:14,599 turn on this monitor, and then we'll tell Ben 56 00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:16,567 that we talked it out and made up. 57 00:02:16,569 --> 00:02:19,670 I'll just tell them that I apologized for... 58 00:02:19,672 --> 00:02:22,406 whatever, heroically caring too much, 59 00:02:22,408 --> 00:02:24,408 and you admitted that you're a stubborn butthead, 60 00:02:24,410 --> 00:02:25,610 and everything's fine now. 61 00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:27,778 - Why do I have to be stubborn? 62 00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:30,348 Why can't the problem have been that I was reasonable 63 00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:33,551 - Because we want them to believe us 64 00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:35,253 and not laugh really hard 65 00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:37,588 at a ridiculous science fiction scenario. 66 00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:39,490 - We are not saying I was the problem. 67 00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:42,360 If we're gonna lie to them, I will not let you lie to them. 68 00:02:42,362 --> 00:02:43,628 - Fine! 69 00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:44,862 I'll tell them that for the past three years, 70 00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:46,664 you've been a perfect gentleman and scholar, 71 00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,432 and I am an insane weirdo 72 00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:49,800 who, despite being the only reason 73 00:02:49,802 --> 00:02:51,902 we even had a friendship to begin with, 74 00:02:51,904 --> 00:02:55,673 decided to ruin it out of the blue for no good reason. 75 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,475 - That sounds good. Let's go with that. 76 00:02:57,477 --> 00:02:59,343 - [shouts] 77 00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:00,344 - What are you doing? 78 00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:01,579 - I destroyed the monitor! 79 00:03:01,581 --> 00:03:03,314 - What if we have an emergency 80 00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:04,515 and have to get out of here? 81 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:07,418 - I did not consider that possibility! 82 00:03:10,989 --> 00:03:13,924 Everything's different. 83 00:03:13,926 --> 00:03:17,328 I mean, the furniture, the pictures. 84 00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:19,330 Craig changed everything. 85 00:03:19,332 --> 00:03:20,331 - Did he? 86 00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:21,365 I tried not to notice anything 87 00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:23,000 when I worked here. 88 00:03:23,002 --> 00:03:24,335 Or talk to anyone. 89 00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:26,337 Or learn anyone's name. 90 00:03:26,339 --> 00:03:28,673 You, of all people, should know that, Lauren. 91 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:31,642 - Look, we are gonna be here for ten hours. 92 00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:33,377 We could either talk about our issues 93 00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:36,314 or we can just sit here doing nothing. 94 00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:37,381 - I choose "sit here." 95 00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:38,816 - Come on, Ron, why don't we just-- 96 00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:40,451 - Sit here. - Ron. 97 00:03:40,453 --> 00:03:43,354 - Sit here. 98 00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:45,323 - I bet I can make you talk. 99 00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:46,857 - I'll take that bet 100 00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:48,926 at any odds, for any amount of money, 101 00:03:48,928 --> 00:03:50,461 over any length of time 102 00:03:50,463 --> 00:03:53,931 stretching from now into infinity. 103 00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:55,466 - Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. 104 00:03:55,468 --> 00:03:56,467 Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. 105 00:03:56,469 --> 00:03:57,601 Talk to me. Talk. Talk. Talk. 106 00:03:57,603 --> 00:03:59,403 [fan whirring] 107 00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:00,571 Talk to me! 108 00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:05,042 Drip. Drip. One word, and this is over. 109 00:04:05,044 --> 00:04:07,111 I think wood is stupid, and so does everybody else. 110 00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:10,381 You guys, Ron loves plastic. 111 00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:12,350 Last chance, Ron. 112 00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:14,685 You want to talk? Huh? 113 00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:15,753 [groans] 114 00:04:16,688 --> 00:04:17,788 Aha! 115 00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:19,557 Jackpot. 116 00:04:19,559 --> 00:04:24,829 This is a mix I made for the summer Parks barbecue, 2007. 117 00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:26,430 I asked everyone in the Parks Department 118 00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:27,832 to choose one song. 119 00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:31,369 You chose Buddy by Willie Nelson, 120 00:04:31,371 --> 00:04:33,971 a fact I remember because my mind 121 00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:36,374 is a steel trap of friendship nuggets. 122 00:04:36,376 --> 00:04:38,843 But I am not going to play your choice. 123 00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:40,745 I'm gonna play Jerry's choice. 124 00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:42,646 [Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire playing] 125 00:04:42,648 --> 00:04:44,081 Ooh, that's right. 126 00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:48,719 And I'm gonna maintain eye contact the whole time. 127 00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:51,555 And guess what. I don't know the words. 128 00:04:51,557 --> 00:04:53,124 ♪ Harry Truman was a guy ♪ 129 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,759 ♪ America, Red China ♪ 130 00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:56,494 ♪ All the countries, other people ♪ 131 00:04:56,496 --> 00:04:57,728 ♪ Everyone is fun ♪ 132 00:04:57,730 --> 00:04:59,764 ♪ Joe Mantegna, Ian McKellen ♪ 133 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:01,499 ♪ I have to buy a new toaster ♪ 134 00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:03,067 ♪ This is awesome, you're so stupid ♪ 135 00:05:03,069 --> 00:05:04,435 ♪ Jumping up and down ♪ 136 00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:07,638 Oh, I got it on repeat. Come on, Ron. 137 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,073 Do you want to hear it again, or do you want to talk? 138 00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:10,074 No? 139 00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:11,509 Okay, next verse. 140 00:05:11,511 --> 00:05:13,077 ♪ Freddy Krueger bought some pants ♪ 141 00:05:13,079 --> 00:05:14,612 ♪ Oprah has a turtle farm ♪ 142 00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:16,113 ♪ Peter Piper pee-pee poopy ♪ 143 00:05:16,115 --> 00:05:17,548 ♪ Daddy ate a squirrel ♪ 144 00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:18,549 - Stop this! 145 00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:20,184 - ♪ Eisenhower, vaccine ♪ 146 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:25,122 - I will speak with you for three minutes. 147 00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:26,123 - Great. 148 00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:27,491 [high-pitched beep] 149 00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:29,126 - So... 150 00:05:29,128 --> 00:05:30,728 what would you like to talk about? 151 00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:31,729 - Oh, come on, Ron. 152 00:05:31,731 --> 00:05:32,930 We were friends for ten years. 153 00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:34,999 - We were work proximity associates. 154 00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:36,200 - We were friends. 155 00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:41,172 And once again, it is up to me to save our friendship, 156 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,874 and I will do so using the most powerful tool 157 00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:45,609 known to man: 158 00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:49,447 a well-organized chart. 159 00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:52,883 Three years ago, I accept a job at National Parks. 160 00:05:52,885 --> 00:05:54,952 You and I see each other less, admittedly, 161 00:05:54,954 --> 00:05:56,086 due to my busy schedule 162 00:05:56,088 --> 00:05:57,788 and your utter lack of interest 163 00:05:57,790 --> 00:05:59,490 in maintaining adult friendships. 164 00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:01,859 - Work proximity associate-ships. 165 00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:03,828 - Three months later, April comes to work for me. 166 00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:04,862 We throw her a party. 167 00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:06,230 At her request, the party's theme 168 00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:09,099 is "Zombie Teenage Biker Gang Pizza Jamboree." 169 00:06:09,101 --> 00:06:11,735 You made me wear a leather jacket. 170 00:06:11,737 --> 00:06:13,504 - That is the last time you and I see each other 171 00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:15,239 for more than five minutes. 172 00:06:15,241 --> 00:06:17,808 Three months later, you come and visit me 173 00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:21,212 at my office on the third floor for the very first time. 174 00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:24,215 One week later, I return from a trip, 175 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:27,751 and I find out you have quit the Parks Department 176 00:06:27,753 --> 00:06:30,488 and you have started your own building company 177 00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:33,123 without even bothering to tell me. 178 00:06:33,125 --> 00:06:34,792 "Oh, well," I think to myself. 179 00:06:34,794 --> 00:06:36,126 "You know, it was only a matter of time." 180 00:06:36,128 --> 00:06:38,996 And then, two months after that, 181 00:06:38,998 --> 00:06:40,965 Morningstar-- 182 00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:42,199 the final twist of the knife. 183 00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:43,567 - Oh, for God's sake. 184 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:44,735 - I hear about Morningstar, 185 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:47,571 and I calmly saunter down to your office 186 00:06:47,573 --> 00:06:49,940 and attempt to have a rational discussion with you about it. 187 00:06:49,942 --> 00:06:52,176 What the hell, Ron? 188 00:06:52,178 --> 00:06:54,044 You're building your stupid building 189 00:06:54,046 --> 00:06:56,080 on the block next to Pawnee Commons? 190 00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,883 The park that I built from scratch out of a pit? 191 00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:00,851 This building is gonna ruin the views, you jerk. 192 00:07:00,853 --> 00:07:03,254 And you're gonna tear all the houses down? 193 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,190 - Yes. - Ann lived there, Ron. 194 00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:07,291 That's Ann's old house. 195 00:07:07,293 --> 00:07:09,226 That's my best friend's old house. 196 00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:11,695 That was the house where I put on my wedding dress 197 00:07:11,697 --> 00:07:14,298 That is the house where April and Andy 198 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,733 met for the first time. 199 00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:17,601 That is the house where Ann gave me 200 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:19,770 my first ever smoky eye look. 201 00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:22,006 - She hasn't lived there for five years. 202 00:07:22,008 --> 00:07:23,173 - That's not the point. 203 00:07:23,175 --> 00:07:25,743 This building is a monstrosity. 204 00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:28,212 And what's it called? Morningstar? 205 00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:29,680 [British accent] "Oh, dear. 206 00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:31,882 "We live at the Morningstar. 207 00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:34,618 That's so posh and hibbley-fibbley-gibbley." 208 00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:37,054 - The world needs apartment buildings. 209 00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:38,556 The park you built is nice, 210 00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:39,890 and people want to live next to it. 211 00:07:39,892 --> 00:07:41,258 - That's not the point. 212 00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:43,227 You knew that I would be furious, 213 00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:45,963 and you didn't have the guts to tell me yourself. 214 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,332 Enjoy your new job, Judas. 215 00:07:48,334 --> 00:07:49,233 [door slams] 216 00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:52,169 You tear down Ann's house. 217 00:07:52,171 --> 00:07:54,638 You spend the next two years cutting down trees 218 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,142 and fighting zoning laws that I helped pass, 219 00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:02,079 basically spitting on everything we did together at Parks. 220 00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:05,716 - That's not the whole story. 221 00:08:05,718 --> 00:08:06,884 - What does that mean? 222 00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:08,152 - It means what it means. 223 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:12,690 is not the whole story of why I left. 224 00:08:12,692 --> 00:08:15,025 [timer beeping] 225 00:08:15,027 --> 00:08:17,227 Sorry, time is up. 226 00:08:17,229 --> 00:08:20,164 - Why then? What was the reason? 227 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,265 Ron, come on. 228 00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:22,700 Oh, my God, you made a key? 229 00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:23,934 Ron, please, don't-- 230 00:08:23,936 --> 00:08:25,202 Come on, Ron. 231 00:08:25,204 --> 00:08:26,904 Ron, just talk to me. 232 00:08:26,906 --> 00:08:27,905 Ron, come on. 233 00:08:27,907 --> 00:08:31,609 - See you tomorrow morning. 234 00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:33,143 - Okay. 235 00:08:35,847 --> 00:08:36,080 . 236 00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:38,882 through the US mail, 237 00:08:38,884 --> 00:08:40,284 so the post office knew your address? 238 00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:41,719 - No. Go away. 239 00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:44,054 - Ooh, is it because I had Food and Stuff 240 00:08:44,056 --> 00:08:47,157 temporarily shut down due to a health code violation? 241 00:08:47,159 --> 00:08:52,963 - They had fresh produce out right next to the roach spray. 242 00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:56,233 - The name of the store is "Food and Stuff." 243 00:08:56,235 --> 00:08:58,669 They sell food, and they sell stuff. 244 00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,238 If you don't like it, go to that new place, 245 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,406 Complete Food. 246 00:09:02,408 --> 00:09:04,642 - It's called Whole Foods. 247 00:09:04,644 --> 00:09:06,644 And is that really the reason? - No. 248 00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:09,847 How many more questions are you going to ask me? 249 00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:13,083 - As many as I need to to solve this mystery 250 00:09:13,085 --> 00:09:17,321 and get us engaged in a deep and stimulating conversation 251 00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:18,822 about our friendship. 252 00:09:18,824 --> 00:09:19,823 Ron, what are you doing? 253 00:09:19,825 --> 00:09:20,991 - I know I saw it. 254 00:09:20,993 --> 00:09:22,059 Aha! 255 00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:24,428 Detonator. 256 00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:26,897 The partially defused claymore mine 257 00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,732 you gave me ten years ago. 258 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:31,435 I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door 259 00:09:31,437 --> 00:09:33,070 so I can get out of here. 260 00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:36,273 - Ron, just wait a second. - No. 261 00:09:36,275 --> 00:09:38,242 I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, 262 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,944 and I have the right, as a citizen of the United States, 263 00:09:40,946 --> 00:09:43,380 to blow a hole in that [bleep] door 264 00:09:43,382 --> 00:09:45,315 and walk out as a free man. 265 00:09:45,317 --> 00:09:46,817 It's in the Constitution. 266 00:09:46,819 --> 00:09:48,419 - There's no cursing in the Constitution. 267 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,287 Look, before you do that-- 268 00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:51,889 - Too late. Here we go. 269 00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:54,925 Fire in the hole! 270 00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:57,995 [For He's a Jolly Good Fellow playing] 271 00:09:57,997 --> 00:09:59,430 - Whoo! 272 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,999 ♪ ♪ 273 00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:04,334 I gave you that as a gift 274 00:10:04,336 --> 00:10:06,937 on your fifth anniversary as Parks director. 275 00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:09,239 - You told me 276 00:10:09,241 --> 00:10:13,010 this was a genuine partially defused claymore mine. 277 00:10:13,012 --> 00:10:14,478 - Well, it was. 278 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,147 I bought the empty shell off of eBay, 279 00:10:17,149 --> 00:10:18,749 and then I filled it with, you know, 280 00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:20,451 balloons and confetti and such. 281 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:23,387 - You mean to tell me I have had a toy 282 00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:25,823 on my desk for ten years? 283 00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:27,291 - You mean to tell me you've thought 284 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,294 you've thought you had an actual land mine on your desk? 285 00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,129 [Leslie on recording] Congratulations, Ron. 286 00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,431 You've been doing an explosive job! 287 00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:37,401 [laughs] 288 00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:38,402 Come on, Ron. 289 00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:39,403 It's funny stuff. 290 00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:42,106 Who gets angry at balloons? 291 00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:43,507 Good talk. 292 00:10:48,247 --> 00:10:52,216 - I'm just reading back through some of our old projects, 293 00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:55,786 trying to figure out what happened that made you quit. 294 00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:56,987 - Good God, woman. 295 00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:58,889 - This is a code. 296 00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:00,924 I am going to break it. 297 00:11:00,926 --> 00:11:04,194 And this is my best shot. 298 00:11:04,196 --> 00:11:05,829 - Is that nuclear waste? 299 00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:08,398 - No, this is my job application from when you hired me. 300 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:09,767 - How did you get that? 301 00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:12,269 - Freedom of Information Act request. 302 00:11:12,271 --> 00:11:13,871 But here's the thing. I've never read it. 303 00:11:13,873 --> 00:11:15,839 This application contains 304 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,342 your very first impressions of me. 305 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,477 It's the Rosetta Stone, Ron. 306 00:11:20,479 --> 00:11:23,447 The beginning of the whole shebang. 307 00:11:25,083 --> 00:11:26,917 This is all you wrote? 308 00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:28,152 Three lousy lines? 309 00:11:28,154 --> 00:11:30,320 - Why would anyone need more than three lines? 310 00:11:30,322 --> 00:11:33,423 I'm describing a person, not something complicated 311 00:11:33,425 --> 00:11:36,393 like a wooden sailing ship or proper dovetail technique. 312 00:11:36,395 --> 00:11:37,995 I forgot what I wrote. 313 00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:39,363 Can I hear it? 314 00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:41,064 - Why don't you read it yourself? 315 00:11:41,066 --> 00:11:43,367 - "Leslie Knope is an absurd idealist 316 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:47,337 are slightly to the left of Leon Trotsky." 317 00:11:47,339 --> 00:11:49,406 So far, so accurate. 318 00:11:49,408 --> 00:11:50,507 "If we were to work together, 319 00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:52,376 "she would undoubtedly drive me insane, 320 00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:55,546 and it is possible that we would murder each other." 321 00:11:58,983 --> 00:12:00,184 - You forgot the last sentence. 322 00:12:00,186 --> 00:12:01,185 - No, I didn't. 323 00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:03,487 I remember that part. 324 00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:06,456 It says, "Hire her." 325 00:12:06,458 --> 00:12:07,491 [metallic clang] 326 00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:10,260 - Oh, it's-- it's a person. 327 00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:11,595 It's another person! 328 00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:13,197 - Hello! Hello! 329 00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:15,299 Janitor! - Hey! 330 00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:17,000 Hey, we're trapped in here! - Hey! 331 00:12:17,002 --> 00:12:21,171 - ♪ The best thing about being a woman ♪ 332 00:12:21,173 --> 00:12:22,506 ♪ Is the prerogative ♪ 333 00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:25,475 If you just look over here for two seconds, 334 00:12:25,477 --> 00:12:26,476 I'll do anything. 335 00:12:26,478 --> 00:12:27,544 - Hey! 336 00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:28,612 - I'll watch a foreign film. 337 00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:30,914 I'll talk to a man with a ponytail. 338 00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:34,451 - Oh, he's gone, Ron. He's gone. 339 00:12:36,154 --> 00:12:38,589 Why did you give me the job? 340 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,857 And that's what I don't get. 341 00:12:39,859 --> 00:12:41,325 We should've never worked together. 342 00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,392 Why did you hire me? 343 00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:44,261 - Because of your interview. 344 00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,096 - Okay, that doesn't make any sense. 345 00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:48,232 I mean, I remember that interview. 346 00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:51,068 You were wearing that exact outfit. 347 00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:54,171 And you said to me, "Ms. Knope, I have one question for you. 348 00:12:54,173 --> 00:12:56,473 What do you believe the role of government is in America?" 349 00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:58,508 - You blathered on for ten minutes 350 00:12:58,510 --> 00:13:01,945 about social safety nets and honest governance 351 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:03,447 and improving lives. 352 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:07,217 - Then you said, "Everything that just came out of your mouth 353 00:13:07,219 --> 00:13:08,385 "is basic nonsense. 354 00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:09,386 Good day." 355 00:13:09,388 --> 00:13:10,520 And that was it. 356 00:13:10,522 --> 00:13:12,422 - No, that was not it. 357 00:13:12,424 --> 00:13:14,057 After I said you were full of it, 358 00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:16,393 you got very angry and scrunched up your face 359 00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:19,496 and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I disagree." 360 00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:20,664 [chuckles] 361 00:13:20,666 --> 00:13:22,966 Did you let me have it. 362 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,302 That was one of your top ten tirades, I'd say. 363 00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:27,471 You were pounding your fist and shaking. 364 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,406 You called me a heartless thug. 365 00:13:29,408 --> 00:13:31,008 - I most certainly did not. 366 00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:33,377 - You were tough and honest, 367 00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:35,479 and you stood up for what you believed in, 368 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:38,148 even though it might've killed your chance to get the job. 369 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:40,517 I would rather work with a person like that 370 00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:44,421 than with a milquetoast yes-man. 371 00:13:44,423 --> 00:13:46,490 Should be one more thing in that file. 372 00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:48,191 - Aw, it's the thank-you note I wrote to you 373 00:13:48,193 --> 00:13:49,426 after the interview. 374 00:13:49,428 --> 00:13:50,460 You kept it. 375 00:13:50,462 --> 00:13:52,362 "Dear Mr. Swanson, I'm sorry 376 00:13:52,364 --> 00:13:54,364 "for raising my voice in the interview, 377 00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:56,333 and I'm sorry I called you a heartless thug." 378 00:13:56,335 --> 00:13:58,035 Oh, well, okay. There you go. 379 00:13:58,037 --> 00:13:59,536 "If it matters, I promise I would never 380 00:13:59,538 --> 00:14:02,105 raise my voice at you if we worked together." 381 00:14:02,107 --> 00:14:05,442 - Yeah, I was being really optimistic. 382 00:14:05,444 --> 00:14:07,210 "Please enjoy these homemade brownies 383 00:14:07,212 --> 00:14:08,378 "as a gesture of goodwill. 384 00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:10,247 Leslie Knope." 385 00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:12,582 - That was the real reason I hired you. 386 00:14:12,584 --> 00:14:15,185 Those brownies were damn good. 387 00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:17,521 - Ron, look how far we've come. 388 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,222 We're doing so great. 389 00:14:19,224 --> 00:14:20,457 Let's just bring it home, okay? 390 00:14:20,459 --> 00:14:22,025 Let's just talk about our issues. 391 00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,360 - Leslie, don't push it. - Okay, fine. 392 00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:26,463 If I guess and guess right, you have to tell me. 393 00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:28,365 Ready? [snaps] 394 00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:31,501 Two years ago, you found out you were 1/4 French, 395 00:14:31,503 --> 00:14:33,103 and you had a nervous breakdown. 396 00:14:33,105 --> 00:14:36,106 - Okay, playtime is over. 397 00:14:36,108 --> 00:14:38,241 I'm getting out of here once and for all. 398 00:14:38,243 --> 00:14:39,376 - No, Ron! God, no! 399 00:14:41,479 --> 00:14:44,314 That alarm is just for sprinklers. 400 00:14:44,316 --> 00:14:45,415 April kept pulling it, 401 00:14:45,417 --> 00:14:47,417 so the fire department disconnected it. 402 00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:48,685 - I see. 403 00:14:53,325 --> 00:14:56,159 - Ron? I found some towels. 404 00:14:56,161 --> 00:14:59,229 You okay? 405 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:01,398 [laughs] Wow. 406 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,167 - Apparently, Craig is studying yoga. 407 00:15:04,169 --> 00:15:06,236 These are the only dry clothes I could find. 408 00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:08,205 - Well, you look great. 409 00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:09,239 - I feel extremely angry. 410 00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,707 - Oh, come on. 411 00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:12,242 Stop whining, you big baby. 412 00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:14,344 I've seen you with your eyebrows blown off. 413 00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:16,246 I've seen you without a mustache. 414 00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,314 I've seen it all. 415 00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:21,284 You have tried every possible means of escape. 416 00:15:21,286 --> 00:15:23,553 There's nothing to do but talk. 417 00:15:23,555 --> 00:15:28,425 to these "workplace proximity associates"? 418 00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:29,626 Hmm? 419 00:15:29,628 --> 00:15:32,295 Spill it. 420 00:15:32,297 --> 00:15:35,065 - You left. 421 00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:37,601 Then a month later, you took Terry with you. 422 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,436 - Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum, 423 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,338 and he's the best there is. 424 00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:43,673 - Amen. 425 00:15:43,675 --> 00:15:46,176 Then you took April. 426 00:15:46,178 --> 00:15:49,046 I didn't want her to go, as she had become 427 00:15:49,048 --> 00:15:52,249 one of my closest workplace acquaintances. 428 00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:54,317 But your offer was too good to pass up, 429 00:15:54,319 --> 00:15:56,286 so I didn't try to stop her. 430 00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,622 Then Tom left to run his business. 431 00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,524 Donna left to run hers. 432 00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:02,559 One day, I looked up. 433 00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:05,095 Just didn't recognize anyone. 434 00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:07,831 So I made a decision. 435 00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:10,333 An unthinkable decision. 436 00:16:11,736 --> 00:16:12,736 - Hey. 437 00:16:12,738 --> 00:16:14,204 Well, my, my, my. 438 00:16:14,206 --> 00:16:15,272 Do my eyes deceive me? 439 00:16:15,274 --> 00:16:17,107 Is that Ron Swanson? 440 00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:18,708 - Hello, Leslie. 441 00:16:18,710 --> 00:16:20,177 Hello, April. Larry. 442 00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:21,178 - It's Terry now. 443 00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:23,814 As luck would have it-- - One second. Oh. 444 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,415 Did you talk to Randy about the vote? 445 00:16:25,417 --> 00:16:27,584 Tell the Northeast that we need to put pressure on them, 446 00:16:27,586 --> 00:16:29,119 or else we're gonna be waiting forever, 447 00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:30,253 and I'm tired of waiting on them, okay? 448 00:16:30,255 --> 00:16:31,655 Sorry. This is a crazy day. 449 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,256 So what's up with you, you big lug? 450 00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:36,593 Just thought you might want to have lunch. 451 00:16:36,595 --> 00:16:38,261 Tomorrow? - I would love to. 452 00:16:38,263 --> 00:16:41,298 It's been too long. JJ's Diner, 12:30? 453 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,333 - Excellent. See you then. - Okay. 454 00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,669 - So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow, 455 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,504 and they need us in Washington to prep. 456 00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:50,240 Okay, get us the first flight out of here 457 00:16:50,242 --> 00:16:51,341 and grab the Missouri files. 458 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:53,276 Meet me at my car. 459 00:16:53,278 --> 00:16:55,779 Hey, babe. I got to go to Washington. 460 00:16:55,781 --> 00:16:57,614 Can you pick up the kids? 461 00:16:57,616 --> 00:16:59,449 Oh. Oh, no. 462 00:16:59,451 --> 00:17:01,718 Ron, I stood you up for lunch. 463 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,386 - You did, yes. 464 00:17:03,388 --> 00:17:05,388 I waited for a while, but it was pretty easy 465 00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:06,890 to figure out what had happened. 466 00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:09,292 Your life seemed pretty hectic. 467 00:17:09,294 --> 00:17:11,328 - Is that the rest of the story? 468 00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,697 That I stood you up? 469 00:17:15,533 --> 00:17:17,567 You were going to ask me something. 470 00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:19,603 That's why you wanted to have lunch. 471 00:17:21,706 --> 00:17:22,739 Ron, you were going-- 472 00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:26,643 - I was gonna ask you for a job. 473 00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:29,179 In the federal government. 474 00:17:29,181 --> 00:17:31,548 Just saying it out loud feels dirty. 475 00:17:33,518 --> 00:17:35,685 - You missed your friends, 476 00:17:35,687 --> 00:17:37,687 and you wanted to come up to the third floor 477 00:17:37,689 --> 00:17:39,356 and work with us again. 478 00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:43,360 I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you. 479 00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:45,328 God, why didn't I see that? 480 00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:48,298 Ron, I am so sorry. 481 00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:50,567 I should've been a better friend to you. 482 00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:53,336 - Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. 483 00:17:53,338 --> 00:17:56,306 It was a punctuation mark on a sentence 484 00:17:56,308 --> 00:17:59,676 My time in government work was over. 485 00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:01,311 Sure, I loved shutting things down 486 00:18:01,313 --> 00:18:04,381 and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside. 487 00:18:04,383 --> 00:18:06,516 - Your metaphors are so beautiful. 488 00:18:06,518 --> 00:18:07,918 - But it was time for me to leave, 489 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,253 and I didn't feel like explaining why 490 00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:11,621 to you or anyone. 491 00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:13,456 Everything that happened after-- 492 00:18:13,458 --> 00:18:16,860 not giving you a heads-up when my company took on 493 00:18:16,862 --> 00:18:18,295 the Morningstar development 494 00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:22,566 and bulldozed the nurse's old house-- 495 00:18:22,568 --> 00:18:25,735 I do regret that. 496 00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:28,638 I had a good run here. 497 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:33,677 But after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, 498 00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:35,912 when I looked around this office, 499 00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:38,381 nothing was the same. 500 00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:40,717 - Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that. 501 00:18:42,386 --> 00:18:45,755 [Willie Nelson's Buddy] 502 00:18:45,757 --> 00:18:47,824 [country music] 503 00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:50,293 - ♪ Laugh with me, buddy ♪ 504 00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:54,397 ♪ Jest with me, buddy ♪ 505 00:18:54,399 --> 00:18:58,602 ♪ Don't let her get the best of me, buddy ♪ 506 00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:01,404 ♪ Don't ever let me start ♪ 507 00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:04,574 ♪ Feelin' lonely ♪ 508 00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:07,644 ♪ ♪ 509 00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:13,350 ♪ If I ever needed you, buddy ♪ 510 00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:18,855 ♪ You know now I really do, buddy ♪ 511 00:19:18,857 --> 00:19:21,524 ♪ Don't ever let me start ♪ 512 00:19:21,526 --> 00:19:24,894 ♪ Feelin' lonely ♪ 513 00:19:27,465 --> 00:19:28,632 - [muffled singing] 514 00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:30,367 ♪ It's got a new queen ♪ 515 00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:32,269 ♪ Everybody really mean ♪ 516 00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:34,838 ♪ We didn't start the fire ♪ - [playing saxophone] 517 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:39,009 - ♪ It was always burning since the world's been turning ♪ 518 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:42,279 - Well, this is different from what I expected to find. 519 00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:43,280 - ♪ Fire ♪ 520 00:19:43,282 --> 00:19:45,682 Oh. Morning, guys. 521 00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:47,350 - Good morning, Leslie. 522 00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:48,518 - What did you do to the office? 523 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,287 Ron, you're wearing my yoga clothes. 524 00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:51,621 You're gonna stretch out the elastic. 525 00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:53,757 - We're sorry. 526 00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:55,292 [saxophone blats] 527 00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:56,860 - [laughs] 528 00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:57,927 - ♪ Fire and money and people ♪ 529 00:20:00,999 --> 00:20:04,634 I moved our meetings to tomorrow 530 00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:09,005 because you are drunk and hungover simultaneously 531 00:20:09,007 --> 00:20:10,373 at 2:00 in the afternoon. 532 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:12,008 - Yeah. Good call. 533 00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:14,077 - Also, you have a visitor. 534 00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:15,812 - No, whoever it is, I have zero interest in-- 535 00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:16,813 - Hello. 536 00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:18,014 - Ron! 537 00:20:18,016 --> 00:20:20,083 Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron. 538 00:20:20,085 --> 00:20:22,786 - We just spent 12 hours together, woman. 539 00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:23,920 - Mm, don't care. 540 00:20:23,922 --> 00:20:25,422 I have three years' worth of hugs 541 00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,357 to force upon you against your will. 542 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:29,959 - I have a small object for you. 543 00:20:29,961 --> 00:20:32,996 Call it an official peace offering, I suppose. 544 00:20:32,998 --> 00:20:35,332 - Wow. This is very sweet. 545 00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:38,001 But you do realize I gave you this picture six hours ago. 546 00:20:38,003 --> 00:20:39,903 - The frame is the gift. 547 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,872 When my company took on the Morningstar development, 548 00:20:42,874 --> 00:20:46,776 and I realized it meant bulldozing Ann's old house, 549 00:20:46,778 --> 00:20:48,545 I salvaged her front door. 550 00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:52,082 all the terrible paint and lacquer-- 551 00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,984 people really don't know how to finish wood properly-- 552 00:20:54,986 --> 00:20:57,554 and I made it into this frame for you 553 00:20:57,556 --> 00:21:02,092 in the event that you and I ever... 554 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:02,926 - Ron. 555 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,961 You big, fat, giant sap. 556 00:21:04,963 --> 00:21:06,896 - That seems unnecessary. 557 00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:08,131 - I love it. 558 00:21:08,133 --> 00:21:09,366 But I feel bad. 559 00:21:09,368 --> 00:21:11,000 I don't have anything for you. 560 00:21:11,002 --> 00:21:13,136 I--For the first time in my life, 561 00:21:13,138 --> 00:21:14,637 I am present-less. 562 00:21:14,639 --> 00:21:16,072 - How 'bout you buy me a meal? 563 00:21:16,074 --> 00:21:17,073 You hungry? 564 00:21:17,075 --> 00:21:18,708 - I'm starving. 565 00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:20,810 April, Ron and I are going to JJ's 566 00:21:20,812 --> 00:21:21,978 to eat too much breakfast food. 567 00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:24,047 - Why does anybody in the world 568 00:21:24,049 --> 00:21:26,916 ever eat anything but breakfast food? 569 00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:28,918 - People are idiots, Ron.