- No, no, no.
[grunts] - Sorry, Ron, doors are locked.
We've taken your key cards and your phones,
and the automatic timer won't go off
until tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.
- We told security not to disturb you
under any circumstances.
And the phones and internet?
- And I left a rusty hacksaw on the table,
so the first person who hacks their face off gets release.
- [laughs] That's not--what?
Is that true?
- Guys, this is insane, okay? Let us out.
Oh, my God, babe. Game of Thrones is on tonight.
It's the series finale.
Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow.
Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails.
- It makes sense if you've read the books.
Look, our baby monitor is on the table.
If you guys can talk this out
and settle your differences like grown-ups,
turn it on, and I will come to get you from my office.
Otherwise, we will see you at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
- I am going to break out of here,
then I am going to snap you in half.
- Hey.
This is not his fault, Swanson.
Be a man, and get your house in order.
You too, Knope.
I really hope you can work out your differences.
- Terry, look at me.
Is this what you want to do?
Think very carefully, son.
- There you go.
That's right, buddy.
Come on.
For once in your life, do something right.
- Stop it, Terry.
Both of you. Come on.
both: Damn it, Terry!
[triumphant music]
♪ ♪
- Okay, think.
There must be a way out of here.
They installed these magnetic locks two years ago.
There's no way around them. - [grunts]
Yes, there is.
I'll simply punch my fist through a window.
- Ron, there's security wire in there.
You'll slice your arm open.
- I would rather bleed out than sit here
and talk about my feelings for ten hours.
- There is another way.
We'll just wait a few minutes,
turn on this monitor, and then we'll tell Ben
that we talked it out and made up.
I'll just tell them that I apologized for...
whatever, heroically caring too much,
and you admitted that you're a stubborn butthead,
and everything's fine now.
- Why do I have to be stubborn?
Why can't the problem have been that I was reasonable
- Because we want them to believe us
and not laugh really hard
at a ridiculous science fiction scenario.
- We are not saying I was the problem.
If we're gonna lie to them, I will not let you lie to them.
- Fine!
I'll tell them that for the past three years,
you've been a perfect gentleman and scholar,
and I am an insane weirdo
who, despite being the only reason
we even had a friendship to begin with,
decided to ruin it out of the blue for no good reason.
- That sounds good. Let's go with that.
- [shouts]
- What are you doing?
- I destroyed the monitor!
- What if we have an emergency
and have to get out of here?
- I did not consider that possibility!
Everything's different.
I mean, the furniture, the pictures.
Craig changed everything.
- Did he?
I tried not to notice anything
when I worked here.
Or talk to anyone.
Or learn anyone's name.
You, of all people, should know that, Lauren.
- Look, we are gonna be here for ten hours.
We could either talk about our issues
or we can just sit here doing nothing.
- I choose "sit here."
- Come on, Ron, why don't we just--
- Sit here. - Ron.
- Sit here.
- I bet I can make you talk.
- I'll take that bet
at any odds, for any amount of money,
over any length of time
stretching from now into infinity.
- Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.
Talk to me. Talk to me.
Talk to me. Talk. Talk. Talk.
[fan whirring]
Talk to me!
Drip. Drip. One word, and this is over.
I think wood is stupid, and so does everybody else.
You guys, Ron loves plastic.
Last chance, Ron.
You want to talk? Huh?
[groans]
Aha!
Jackpot.
This is a mix I made for the summer Parks barbecue, 2007.
I asked everyone in the Parks Department
to choose one song.
You chose Buddy by Willie Nelson,
a fact I remember because my mind
is a steel trap of friendship nuggets.
But I am not going to play your choice.
I'm gonna play Jerry's choice.
[Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire playing]
Ooh, that's right.
And I'm gonna maintain eye contact the whole time.
And guess what. I don't know the words.
♪ Harry Truman was a guy ♪
♪ America, Red China ♪
♪ All the countries, other people ♪
♪ Everyone is fun ♪
♪ Joe Mantegna, Ian McKellen ♪
♪ I have to buy a new toaster ♪
♪ This is awesome, you're so stupid ♪
♪ Jumping up and down ♪
Oh, I got it on repeat. Come on, Ron.
Do you want to hear it again, or do you want to talk?
No?
Okay, next verse.
♪ Freddy Krueger bought some pants ♪
♪ Oprah has a turtle farm ♪
♪ Peter Piper pee-pee poopy ♪
♪ Daddy ate a squirrel ♪
- Stop this!
- ♪ Eisenhower, vaccine ♪
- I will speak with you for three minutes.
- Great.
[high-pitched beep]
- So...
what would you like to talk about?
- Oh, come on, Ron.
We were friends for ten years.
- We were work proximity associates.
- We were friends.
And once again, it is up to me to save our friendship,
and I will do so using the most powerful tool
known to man:
a well-organized chart.
Three years ago, I accept a job at National Parks.
You and I see each other less, admittedly,
due to my busy schedule
and your utter lack of interest
in maintaining adult friendships.
- Work proximity associate-ships.
- Three months later, April comes to work for me.
We throw her a party.
At her request, the party's theme
is "Zombie Teenage Biker Gang Pizza Jamboree."
You made me wear a leather jacket.
- That is the last time you and I see each other
for more than five minutes.
Three months later, you come and visit me
at my office on the third floor for the very first time.
One week later, I return from a trip,
and I find out you have quit the Parks Department
and you have started your own building company
without even bothering to tell me.
"Oh, well," I think to myself.
"You know, it was only a matter of time."
And then, two months after that,
Morningstar--
the final twist of the knife.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- I hear about Morningstar,
and I calmly saunter down to your office
and attempt to have a rational discussion with you about it.
What the hell, Ron?
You're building your stupid building
on the block next to Pawnee Commons?
The park that I built from scratch out of a pit?
This building is gonna ruin the views, you jerk.
And you're gonna tear all the houses down?
- Yes. - Ann lived there, Ron.
That's Ann's old house.
That's my best friend's old house.
That was the house where I put on my wedding dress
That is the house where April and Andy
met for the first time.
That is the house where Ann gave me
my first ever smoky eye look.
- She hasn't lived there for five years.
- That's not the point.
This building is a monstrosity.
And what's it called? Morningstar?
[British accent] "Oh, dear.
"We live at the Morningstar.
That's so posh and hibbley-fibbley-gibbley."
- The world needs apartment buildings.
The park you built is nice,
and people want to live next to it.
- That's not the point.
You knew that I would be furious,
and you didn't have the guts to tell me yourself.
Enjoy your new job, Judas.
[door slams]
You tear down Ann's house.
You spend the next two years cutting down trees
and fighting zoning laws that I helped pass,
basically spitting on everything we did together at Parks.
- That's not the whole story.
- What does that mean?
- It means what it means.
is not the whole story of why I left.
[timer beeping]
Sorry, time is up.
- Why then? What was the reason?
Ron, come on.
Oh, my God, you made a key?
Ron, please, don't--
Come on, Ron.
Ron, just talk to me.
Ron, come on.
- See you tomorrow morning.
- Okay.
.
through the US mail,
so the post office knew your address?
- No. Go away.
- Ooh, is it because I had Food and Stuff
temporarily shut down due to a health code violation?
- They had fresh produce out right next to the roach spray.
- The name of the store is "Food and Stuff."
They sell food, and they sell stuff.
If you don't like it, go to that new place,
Complete Food.
- It's called Whole Foods.
And is that really the reason? - No.
How many more questions are you going to ask me?
- As many as I need to to solve this mystery
and get us engaged in a deep and stimulating conversation
about our friendship.
Ron, what are you doing?
- I know I saw it.
Aha!
Detonator.
The partially defused claymore mine
you gave me ten years ago.
I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door
so I can get out of here.
- Ron, just wait a second. - No.
I'm being held as a prisoner against my will,
and I have the right, as a citizen of the United States,
to blow a hole in that [bleep] door
and walk out as a free man.
It's in the Constitution.
- There's no cursing in the Constitution.
Look, before you do that--
- Too late. Here we go.
Fire in the hole!
[For He's a Jolly Good Fellow playing]
- Whoo!
♪ ♪
I gave you that as a gift
on your fifth anniversary as Parks director.
- You told me
this was a genuine partially defused claymore mine.
- Well, it was.
I bought the empty shell off of eBay,
and then I filled it with, you know,
balloons and confetti and such.
- You mean to tell me I have had a toy
on my desk for ten years?
- You mean to tell me you've thought
you've thought you had an actual land mine on your desk?
[Leslie on recording] Congratulations, Ron.
You've been doing an explosive job!
[laughs]
Come on, Ron.
It's funny stuff.
Who gets angry at balloons?
Good talk.
- I'm just reading back through some of our old projects,
trying to figure out what happened that made you quit.
- Good God, woman.
- This is a code.
I am going to break it.
And this is my best shot.
- Is that nuclear waste?
- No, this is my job application from when you hired me.
- How did you get that?
- Freedom of Information Act request.
But here's the thing. I've never read it.
This application contains
your very first impressions of me.
It's the Rosetta Stone, Ron.
The beginning of the whole shebang.
This is all you wrote?
Three lousy lines?
- Why would anyone need more than three lines?
I'm describing a person, not something complicated
like a wooden sailing ship or proper dovetail technique.
I forgot what I wrote.
Can I hear it?
- Why don't you read it yourself?
- "Leslie Knope is an absurd idealist
are slightly to the left of Leon Trotsky."
So far, so accurate.
"If we were to work together,
"she would undoubtedly drive me insane,
and it is possible that we would murder each other."
- You forgot the last sentence.
- No, I didn't.
I remember that part.
It says, "Hire her."
[metallic clang]
- Oh, it's-- it's a person.
It's another person!
- Hello! Hello!
Janitor! - Hey!
Hey, we're trapped in here! - Hey!
- ♪ The best thing about being a woman ♪
♪ Is the prerogative ♪
If you just look over here for two seconds,
I'll do anything.
- Hey!
- I'll watch a foreign film.
I'll talk to a man with a ponytail.
- Oh, he's gone, Ron. He's gone.
Why did you give me the job?
And that's what I don't get.
We should've never worked together.
Why did you hire me?
- Because of your interview.
- Okay, that doesn't make any sense.
I mean, I remember that interview.
You were wearing that exact outfit.
And you said to me, "Ms. Knope, I have one question for you.
What do you believe the role of government is in America?"
- You blathered on for ten minutes
about social safety nets and honest governance
and improving lives.
- Then you said, "Everything that just came out of your mouth
"is basic nonsense.
Good day."
And that was it.
- No, that was not it.
After I said you were full of it,
you got very angry and scrunched up your face
and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I disagree."
[chuckles]
Did you let me have it.
That was one of your top ten tirades, I'd say.
You were pounding your fist and shaking.
You called me a heartless thug.
- I most certainly did not.
- You were tough and honest,
and you stood up for what you believed in,
even though it might've killed your chance to get the job.
I would rather work with a person like that
than with a milquetoast yes-man.
Should be one more thing in that file.
- Aw, it's the thank-you note I wrote to you
after the interview.
You kept it.
"Dear Mr. Swanson, I'm sorry
"for raising my voice in the interview,
and I'm sorry I called you a heartless thug."
Oh, well, okay. There you go.
"If it matters, I promise I would never
raise my voice at you if we worked together."
- Yeah, I was being really optimistic.
"Please enjoy these homemade brownies
"as a gesture of goodwill.
Leslie Knope."
- That was the real reason I hired you.
Those brownies were damn good.
- Ron, look how far we've come.
We're doing so great.
Let's just bring it home, okay?
Let's just talk about our issues.
- Leslie, don't push it. - Okay, fine.
If I guess and guess right, you have to tell me.
Ready? [snaps]
Two years ago, you found out you were 1/4 French,
and you had a nervous breakdown.
- Okay, playtime is over.
I'm getting out of here once and for all.
- No, Ron! God, no!
That alarm is just for sprinklers.
April kept pulling it,
so the fire department disconnected it.
- I see.
- Ron? I found some towels.
You okay?
[laughs] Wow.
- Apparently, Craig is studying yoga.
These are the only dry clothes I could find.
- Well, you look great.
- I feel extremely angry.
- Oh, come on.
Stop whining, you big baby.
I've seen you with your eyebrows blown off.
I've seen you without a mustache.
I've seen it all.
You have tried every possible means of escape.
There's nothing to do but talk.
to these "workplace proximity associates"?
Hmm?
Spill it.
- You left.
Then a month later, you took Terry with you.
- Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum,
and he's the best there is.
- Amen.
Then you took April.
I didn't want her to go, as she had become
one of my closest workplace acquaintances.
But your offer was too good to pass up,
so I didn't try to stop her.
Then Tom left to run his business.
Donna left to run hers.
One day, I looked up.
Just didn't recognize anyone.
So I made a decision.
An unthinkable decision.
- Hey.
Well, my, my, my.
Do my eyes deceive me?
Is that Ron Swanson?
- Hello, Leslie.
Hello, April. Larry.
- It's Terry now.
As luck would have it-- - One second. Oh.
Did you talk to Randy about the vote?
Tell the Northeast that we need to put pressure on them,
or else we're gonna be waiting forever,
and I'm tired of waiting on them, okay?
Sorry. This is a crazy day.
So what's up with you, you big lug?
Just thought you might want to have lunch.
Tomorrow? - I would love to.
It's been too long. JJ's Diner, 12:30?
- Excellent. See you then. - Okay.
- So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow,
and they need us in Washington to prep.
Okay, get us the first flight out of here
and grab the Missouri files.
Meet me at my car.
Hey, babe. I got to go to Washington.
Can you pick up the kids?
Oh. Oh, no.
Ron, I stood you up for lunch.
- You did, yes.
I waited for a while, but it was pretty easy
to figure out what had happened.
Your life seemed pretty hectic.
- Is that the rest of the story?
That I stood you up?
You were going to ask me something.
That's why you wanted to have lunch.
Ron, you were going--
- I was gonna ask you for a job.
In the federal government.
Just saying it out loud feels dirty.
- You missed your friends,
and you wanted to come up to the third floor
and work with us again.
I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you.
God, why didn't I see that?
Ron, I am so sorry.
I should've been a better friend to you.
- Honestly, Leslie, it's fine.
It was a punctuation mark on a sentence
My time in government work was over.
Sure, I loved shutting things down
and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside.
- Your metaphors are so beautiful.
- But it was time for me to leave,
and I didn't feel like explaining why
to you or anyone.
Everything that happened after--
not giving you a heads-up when my company took on
the Morningstar development
and bulldozed the nurse's old house--
I do regret that.
I had a good run here.
But after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left,
when I looked around this office,
nothing was the same.
- Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that.
[Willie Nelson's Buddy]
[country music]
- ♪ Laugh with me, buddy ♪
♪ Jest with me, buddy ♪
♪ Don't let her get the best of me, buddy ♪
♪ Don't ever let me start ♪
♪ Feelin' lonely ♪
♪ ♪
♪ If I ever needed you, buddy ♪
♪ You know now I really do, buddy ♪
♪ Don't ever let me start ♪
♪ Feelin' lonely ♪
- [muffled singing]
♪ It's got a new queen ♪
♪ Everybody really mean ♪
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪ - [playing saxophone]
- ♪ It was always burning since the world's been turning ♪
- Well, this is different from what I expected to find.
- ♪ Fire ♪
Oh. Morning, guys.
- Good morning, Leslie.
- What did you do to the office?
Ron, you're wearing my yoga clothes.
You're gonna stretch out the elastic.
- We're sorry.
[saxophone blats]
- [laughs]
- ♪ Fire and money and people ♪
I moved our meetings to tomorrow
because you are drunk and hungover simultaneously
at 2:00 in the afternoon.
- Yeah. Good call.
- Also, you have a visitor.
- No, whoever it is, I have zero interest in--
- Hello.
- Ron!
Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron.
- We just spent 12 hours together, woman.
- Mm, don't care.
I have three years' worth of hugs
to force upon you against your will.
- I have a small object for you.
Call it an official peace offering, I suppose.
- Wow. This is very sweet.
But you do realize I gave you this picture six hours ago.
- The frame is the gift.
When my company took on the Morningstar development,
and I realized it meant bulldozing Ann's old house,
I salvaged her front door.
all the terrible paint and lacquer--
people really don't know how to finish wood properly--
and I made it into this frame for you
in the event that you and I ever...
- Ron.
You big, fat, giant sap.
- That seems unnecessary.
- I love it.
But I feel bad.
I don't have anything for you.
I--For the first time in my life,
I am present-less.
- How 'bout you buy me a meal?
You hungry?
- I'm starving.
April, Ron and I are going to JJ's
to eat too much breakfast food.
- Why does anybody in the world
ever eat anything but breakfast food?
- People are idiots, Ron.