1 00:00:01,353 --> 00:00:03,813 Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens 2 00:00:03,897 --> 00:00:05,523 for a broken defraculator. 3 00:00:05,607 --> 00:00:08,735 That is multiphase quantum resonator. 4 00:00:08,819 --> 00:00:10,570 - Well, does it defraculate? - Fuck no. 5 00:00:10,654 --> 00:00:12,572 Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. 6 00:00:12,656 --> 00:00:14,574 Like you would even know dick about fraculation! 7 00:00:14,658 --> 00:00:16,284 Your planet just got cellphones, 8 00:00:16,368 --> 00:00:18,369 and the coverage still sucks! 9 00:00:18,454 --> 00:00:20,496 Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. 10 00:00:20,581 --> 00:00:22,331 So, let's say 60 smidgens. 11 00:00:22,416 --> 00:00:24,041 I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. 12 00:00:24,126 --> 00:00:25,626 I'll throw in a fart. 13 00:00:25,711 --> 00:00:27,628 Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think 14 00:00:27,713 --> 00:00:29,464 maybe I could get something from this place, 15 00:00:29,548 --> 00:00:31,299 like a souvenir, like, just to have -- 16 00:00:31,383 --> 00:00:33,050 like, something cool, you know? 17 00:00:33,135 --> 00:00:34,594 Not here, Morty. We'll stop somewhere else. 18 00:00:34,678 --> 00:00:36,888 Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. 19 00:00:36,972 --> 00:00:38,890 Oh, okay. I just, um -- 20 00:00:38,974 --> 00:00:40,558 you know, I thought that robot over there 21 00:00:40,642 --> 00:00:42,393 looked pretty cool, you know? 22 00:00:42,478 --> 00:00:44,854 Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? 23 00:00:44,938 --> 00:00:46,481 Yeah! You know, I mean... 24 00:00:46,565 --> 00:00:48,191 it's different from the stuff on Earth, 25 00:00:48,275 --> 00:00:50,193 and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places 26 00:00:50,277 --> 00:00:51,736 across the galaxy, 27 00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:53,738 and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- 28 00:00:53,822 --> 00:00:55,698 to remember all those trips by. 29 00:00:55,783 --> 00:00:57,700 It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. 30 00:00:57,785 --> 00:00:59,452 You know, like, what if you passed away 31 00:00:59,536 --> 00:01:00,828 or died or something? 32 00:01:00,913 --> 00:01:02,622 I wouldn't even have anything to remember 33 00:01:02,706 --> 00:01:04,415 all the cool stuff we did, you know? 34 00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:06,417 Okay. 60 for the resonator, 35 00:01:06,502 --> 00:01:09,170 and my grandson wants the sex robot. 36 00:01:47,501 --> 00:01:49,919 So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? 37 00:01:50,003 --> 00:01:52,004 I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. 38 00:01:52,089 --> 00:01:53,840 Rick, why would you let Morty 39 00:01:53,924 --> 00:01:55,967 bring that thing into our house?! 40 00:01:56,051 --> 00:01:57,426 I don't know. What do you want from me? 41 00:01:57,511 --> 00:01:59,804 He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. 42 00:01:59,888 --> 00:02:00,721 You know what I mean? 43 00:02:00,806 --> 00:02:01,973 Whew! 44 00:02:05,769 --> 00:02:07,478 Ahh. All right. 45 00:02:07,563 --> 00:02:10,064 Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. 46 00:02:13,986 --> 00:02:15,361 Well, I'm intervening. 47 00:02:15,445 --> 00:02:17,029 Intervening with puberty? 48 00:02:17,114 --> 00:02:19,490 You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon." 49 00:02:19,575 --> 00:02:22,618 He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. 50 00:02:22,703 --> 00:02:25,162 Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? 51 00:02:26,248 --> 00:02:28,457 Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- 52 00:02:28,542 --> 00:02:29,667 q-quickly? 53 00:02:29,751 --> 00:02:33,671 Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. 54 00:02:35,424 --> 00:02:37,174 Where's the sex robot, Morty? 55 00:02:37,259 --> 00:02:39,385 That is Gwendolyn -- l-I mean, the robot! 56 00:02:39,469 --> 00:02:41,888 She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! 57 00:02:41,972 --> 00:02:43,556 Strange -- that's usually the man's job. 58 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,266 You know what I'm talking about, Morty? 59 00:02:45,350 --> 00:02:47,143 Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! 60 00:02:47,227 --> 00:02:48,644 Morty! 61 00:02:48,729 --> 00:02:50,313 That's my catchphrase, remember? 62 00:02:50,397 --> 00:02:52,982 Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? 63 00:02:53,066 --> 00:02:54,400 All right. All right, seriously, though, 64 00:02:54,484 --> 00:02:55,610 let me grab this thing. 65 00:02:57,738 --> 00:02:59,530 Come on, you... rascal. 66 00:02:59,615 --> 00:03:02,617 - Okay, unacceptable! Oh. - What is going on? 67 00:03:02,701 --> 00:03:04,452 All right. Uh-oh. 68 00:03:04,536 --> 00:03:06,412 "Uh-oh"? What is that?! 69 00:03:06,496 --> 00:03:08,331 Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed 70 00:03:08,415 --> 00:03:10,791 for more than long weekends. 71 00:03:12,586 --> 00:03:14,587 Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. 72 00:03:14,671 --> 00:03:16,505 Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, 73 00:03:16,590 --> 00:03:18,215 and that there's half Morty, half -- 74 00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:20,217 who -- who knows wh-what? 75 00:03:20,302 --> 00:03:22,303 It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. 76 00:03:22,387 --> 00:03:23,930 - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 77 00:03:24,014 --> 00:03:25,598 What do you think you're doing?! 78 00:03:25,682 --> 00:03:27,391 Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house 79 00:03:27,476 --> 00:03:29,143 when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. 80 00:03:29,227 --> 00:03:31,312 I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. 81 00:03:31,396 --> 00:03:33,731 I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. 82 00:03:33,815 --> 00:03:35,566 We gotta be careful. 83 00:03:35,651 --> 00:03:37,568 I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. 84 00:03:37,653 --> 00:03:38,903 I'm a father now! 85 00:03:38,987 --> 00:03:40,780 You know, it's time for me to be responsible. 86 00:03:40,864 --> 00:03:42,615 Isn't that right... - Don't name it. 87 00:03:42,699 --> 00:03:44,617 - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. 88 00:03:44,701 --> 00:03:46,619 Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. 89 00:03:46,703 --> 00:03:49,330 And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- 90 00:03:49,414 --> 00:03:51,332 Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. 91 00:03:51,416 --> 00:03:52,750 Don't punish us for it. 92 00:03:52,834 --> 00:03:54,293 Fine. 93 00:03:54,378 --> 00:03:57,088 I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. 94 00:03:57,172 --> 00:03:59,090 Do not let that thing out of your sight. 95 00:03:59,174 --> 00:04:02,093 Lt looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. 96 00:04:02,177 --> 00:04:04,095 Like The Insane Clown Posse. 97 00:04:04,179 --> 00:04:06,055 Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 98 00:04:06,139 --> 00:04:08,683 2003 just called. Lt wants its easy target back. 99 00:04:08,767 --> 00:04:10,851 Ohh. He's like a little me! 100 00:04:10,936 --> 00:04:13,938 Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? 101 00:04:14,022 --> 00:04:15,564 They always do. 102 00:04:15,649 --> 00:04:17,900 Hey, uh, 1995 called! 103 00:04:17,985 --> 00:04:19,402 They want their "certain year called 104 00:04:19,486 --> 00:04:21,320 wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! 105 00:04:21,405 --> 00:04:23,364 Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? 106 00:04:23,448 --> 00:04:25,616 Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! 107 00:04:27,869 --> 00:04:29,662 - Out. - Whatcha doin'? 108 00:04:29,746 --> 00:04:31,455 Well, I can't solve the problem my way, 109 00:04:31,540 --> 00:04:33,457 thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. 110 00:04:33,542 --> 00:04:35,793 Gross. I might have just touched one of Morty's loads. 111 00:04:35,877 --> 00:04:38,087 But maybe I can find suitable parents for Morty Jr. 112 00:04:38,171 --> 00:04:41,924 on this robot's home world, which is... 113 00:04:42,009 --> 00:04:43,926 Gazorpazorp in the Andromeda system. 114 00:04:44,011 --> 00:04:46,929 Scoot, Summer. - Don't you need a new companion 115 00:04:47,014 --> 00:04:48,931 now that Morty's in the family way? 116 00:04:49,016 --> 00:04:51,183 I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. 117 00:04:51,268 --> 00:04:53,185 Oh, right -- because there's something about having a wiener 118 00:04:53,270 --> 00:04:55,688 that would make me better at walking through a hole? 119 00:04:55,772 --> 00:04:58,816 - Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Oh, crap. 120 00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:00,776 Grandpa Rick! Ugh! 121 00:05:00,861 --> 00:05:03,279 Help! Help! Aah! Aah! 122 00:05:05,073 --> 00:05:07,867 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! 123 00:05:07,951 --> 00:05:09,535 - Grandpa Rick! - Still think it's a good idea 124 00:05:09,619 --> 00:05:11,120 to go through holes without a wiener? 125 00:05:11,204 --> 00:05:13,622 - I want to go home. - Yeah, no duh. 126 00:05:13,707 --> 00:05:15,082 Ugh! 127 00:05:17,878 --> 00:05:19,795 Great. Now I have to take over a whole planet 128 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,173 because of your stupid boobs. 129 00:05:22,257 --> 00:05:25,009 - You're doing great, Morty. - Really? You think? 130 00:05:25,093 --> 00:05:26,844 I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. 131 00:05:26,928 --> 00:05:28,179 What do I do if it cries? 132 00:05:28,263 --> 00:05:30,389 Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. 133 00:05:30,474 --> 00:05:32,975 Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, 134 00:05:33,060 --> 00:05:35,186 and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? 135 00:05:35,270 --> 00:05:36,687 Yes, she is. 136 00:05:36,772 --> 00:05:38,689 She's gonna strip for attention 137 00:05:38,774 --> 00:05:40,691 because she was denied it. 138 00:05:40,776 --> 00:05:43,110 Stop filling it with your own insecurity. 139 00:05:43,195 --> 00:05:45,279 You're gonna turn it into Morty -- 140 00:05:45,363 --> 00:05:47,490 uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. 141 00:05:47,574 --> 00:05:49,325 Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles 142 00:05:49,409 --> 00:05:51,118 by a mentally ill scientist. 143 00:05:51,203 --> 00:05:52,953 What the -- aah! Aah! 144 00:05:54,956 --> 00:05:57,291 Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. 145 00:05:57,375 --> 00:05:58,959 Knock it off, both of you! 146 00:05:59,044 --> 00:06:00,795 G-Give me him! Give me my baby! 147 00:06:00,879 --> 00:06:02,588 You're both nuts! 148 00:06:02,672 --> 00:06:05,132 I'm gonna raise Morty Jr. myself! 149 00:06:05,217 --> 00:06:07,802 ♪ Where's your hands? There's your hands ♪ 150 00:06:07,886 --> 00:06:10,429 ♪ And that's how we play handy hands ♪ 151 00:06:11,848 --> 00:06:13,974 Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. 152 00:06:14,059 --> 00:06:15,893 At least we can agree on that. 153 00:06:23,568 --> 00:06:26,028 Thanks, Dum-Dum. 154 00:06:26,113 --> 00:06:28,614 I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. 155 00:06:28,698 --> 00:06:30,241 Summer, put your burqa on! 156 00:06:30,325 --> 00:06:32,243 That burqa is a human-rights violation, 157 00:06:32,327 --> 00:06:34,870 and I spent a lot on this top. 158 00:06:34,955 --> 00:06:36,705 Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun 159 00:06:36,790 --> 00:06:38,124 with a bunch of sex-doll parts, 160 00:06:38,208 --> 00:06:39,542 and I have to do it one-handed 161 00:06:39,626 --> 00:06:41,627 to keep these Belushis from carting you off. 162 00:06:41,711 --> 00:06:43,796 The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. 163 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,257 Ugh. What's the deal with this place? 164 00:06:46,341 --> 00:06:48,050 Why is it such a sausage planet, 165 00:06:48,135 --> 00:06:50,386 and how did such backward idiots invent robots? 166 00:06:50,470 --> 00:06:52,054 Obviously, at some point, 167 00:06:52,139 --> 00:06:53,472 the Gazorpians became so evolved 168 00:06:53,557 --> 00:06:56,016 that they replaced females with birthing machines. 169 00:06:56,101 --> 00:06:58,227 The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking 170 00:06:58,311 --> 00:07:00,187 allowed them to focus entirely on war, 171 00:07:00,272 --> 00:07:02,189 so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, 172 00:07:02,274 --> 00:07:04,150 and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy 173 00:07:04,234 --> 00:07:05,651 with sticks and rocks all day long. 174 00:07:05,735 --> 00:07:07,820 You think it's efficient to get rid of women? 175 00:07:07,904 --> 00:07:09,905 You ever see a line for the men's room? 176 00:07:09,990 --> 00:07:11,657 Are you hear-- do you Li-- do you hear me, Summer? 177 00:07:11,741 --> 00:07:14,785 Droppin' loads. 178 00:07:14,870 --> 00:07:17,955 Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. 179 00:07:18,039 --> 00:07:22,251 The plot thickens. 180 00:07:25,005 --> 00:07:27,089 Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. 181 00:07:27,174 --> 00:07:29,216 Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. 182 00:07:31,052 --> 00:07:32,094 Yeah, baby! 183 00:07:32,179 --> 00:07:34,805 Summer, grab -- grab hold. 184 00:07:34,890 --> 00:07:36,182 Yeah, baby! 185 00:07:36,266 --> 00:07:37,641 Aaaah! 186 00:07:40,187 --> 00:07:42,271 Grandpa Rick, where are we going? 187 00:07:42,355 --> 00:07:43,898 Well, obviously, Summer, 188 00:07:43,982 --> 00:07:45,983 it appears the lower tier of this society 189 00:07:46,067 --> 00:07:48,235 is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology 190 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,988 by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? 191 00:07:51,072 --> 00:07:52,948 Ticketmaster. 192 00:07:53,033 --> 00:07:55,034 Oh, there -- there we go, Summer. 193 00:07:55,118 --> 00:07:56,785 Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bro. 194 00:07:56,870 --> 00:07:58,621 Nice racket you got going on here. 195 00:07:58,705 --> 00:08:01,457 Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137. 196 00:08:01,541 --> 00:08:03,709 Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. 197 00:08:03,793 --> 00:08:06,587 It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" 198 00:08:06,671 --> 00:08:08,923 is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. 199 00:08:11,801 --> 00:08:13,469 Oh, I get it -- 200 00:08:13,553 --> 00:08:16,013 the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. 201 00:08:16,097 --> 00:08:18,307 Silence! 202 00:08:20,936 --> 00:08:23,729 - Your slave is ill-mannered. - My slave? 203 00:08:23,813 --> 00:08:25,731 We assume you are from a more primitive world, 204 00:08:25,815 --> 00:08:27,942 where men are still permitted to be servants. 205 00:08:28,026 --> 00:08:30,486 If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. 206 00:08:30,570 --> 00:08:32,154 He's my slave. He's my slave. 207 00:08:32,239 --> 00:08:33,155 He's definitely my slave. 208 00:08:34,866 --> 00:08:36,242 Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! 209 00:08:36,326 --> 00:08:38,035 Oh, boy. 210 00:08:38,119 --> 00:08:39,954 What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? 211 00:08:40,038 --> 00:08:41,872 Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? 212 00:08:41,957 --> 00:08:44,291 Are you guys kidding me? 213 00:08:44,376 --> 00:08:46,210 Oh, Morty Jr.! 214 00:08:46,294 --> 00:08:48,295 You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? 215 00:08:48,380 --> 00:08:50,464 You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. 216 00:08:50,548 --> 00:08:52,299 Ohh. 217 00:08:52,384 --> 00:08:54,176 Ohh! Ha ha! 218 00:08:54,261 --> 00:08:55,177 DA. 219 00:08:55,262 --> 00:08:56,762 What was that, Morty Jr.? 220 00:08:56,846 --> 00:08:58,722 Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." 221 00:08:58,807 --> 00:08:59,765 Death! 222 00:08:59,849 --> 00:09:01,183 "Dada." 223 00:09:01,268 --> 00:09:02,643 Domination! 224 00:09:02,727 --> 00:09:04,728 Um... "Dada"? 225 00:09:04,813 --> 00:09:06,730 Destruction. Domination. 226 00:09:06,815 --> 00:09:09,191 Nice. 227 00:09:14,197 --> 00:09:17,616 The spider in sector "C" is still alive. 228 00:09:17,701 --> 00:09:19,618 Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. 229 00:09:19,703 --> 00:09:21,620 We're not telling you what to do. 230 00:09:21,705 --> 00:09:23,622 We're just sharing how we feel. 231 00:09:23,707 --> 00:09:25,624 And now weather -- is anyone else cold, 232 00:09:25,709 --> 00:09:27,710 or is it just me? 233 00:09:29,296 --> 00:09:31,797 I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. 234 00:09:31,881 --> 00:09:33,674 I am here if you need to talk. 235 00:09:33,758 --> 00:09:36,051 - What is this place? - Paradise. 236 00:09:36,136 --> 00:09:38,804 We built it during the great passive-aggression, 237 00:09:38,888 --> 00:09:40,931 when the females separated from the males 238 00:09:41,016 --> 00:09:43,684 due to their increasingly destructive behavior. 239 00:09:43,768 --> 00:09:45,185 I am here if you need to talk. 240 00:09:45,270 --> 00:09:47,146 I am here if you need to talk. 241 00:09:47,230 --> 00:09:49,732 From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates 242 00:09:49,816 --> 00:09:51,233 to maintain our population. 243 00:09:51,318 --> 00:09:54,695 Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. 244 00:09:54,779 --> 00:09:57,698 The females are placed into educational programs 245 00:09:57,782 --> 00:10:00,200 where they can discover a service to our paradise 246 00:10:00,285 --> 00:10:02,119 that fulfills them most. 247 00:10:02,203 --> 00:10:04,455 Males... 248 00:10:04,539 --> 00:10:08,125 ...they get to play outside. 249 00:10:08,209 --> 00:10:10,127 That was just a baby. 250 00:10:10,211 --> 00:10:12,129 And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- 251 00:10:12,213 --> 00:10:14,048 one of the most aggressively violent creatures 252 00:10:14,132 --> 00:10:15,382 in the universe. 253 00:10:15,467 --> 00:10:17,384 Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian 254 00:10:17,469 --> 00:10:19,845 was born on our planet. 255 00:10:22,515 --> 00:10:25,434 You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! 256 00:10:25,518 --> 00:10:27,978 It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. 257 00:10:28,063 --> 00:10:30,314 Are you the ruler of this Earth? 258 00:10:30,398 --> 00:10:32,399 - How did you know? - The quality of your top. 259 00:10:32,484 --> 00:10:34,318 - Do you love it? - I love it. 260 00:10:34,402 --> 00:10:35,736 I'm here if you need to talk. 261 00:10:35,820 --> 00:10:37,154 I'm here if you need to talk. 262 00:10:37,238 --> 00:10:38,489 I'm here if you need to talk. 263 00:10:38,573 --> 00:10:41,241 If the Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. 264 00:10:41,326 --> 00:10:43,077 We will give you passage back home 265 00:10:43,161 --> 00:10:44,495 so it can be terminated. 266 00:10:44,579 --> 00:10:46,163 But first, mojitos. 267 00:10:46,247 --> 00:10:47,998 We don't have time for mojitos. 268 00:10:48,083 --> 00:10:50,376 - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! 269 00:10:50,460 --> 00:10:52,378 This place is the worst! I want to go home! 270 00:10:52,462 --> 00:10:54,380 Well, it really doesn't matter what you want, 271 00:10:54,464 --> 00:10:56,590 because this is a sane place where women rule. 272 00:10:56,674 --> 00:10:58,592 Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? 273 00:11:01,554 --> 00:11:03,680 I cannot believe my ears! 274 00:11:08,061 --> 00:11:11,021 Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? 275 00:11:11,106 --> 00:11:13,107 Grandpa! 276 00:11:13,191 --> 00:11:15,317 - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! 277 00:11:15,402 --> 00:11:16,985 Lt means "father of father." 278 00:11:17,070 --> 00:11:19,321 Then this one is not your slave, 279 00:11:19,406 --> 00:11:21,824 and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. 280 00:11:21,908 --> 00:11:24,034 It's not dominated by us, okay? 281 00:11:24,119 --> 00:11:25,911 On Earth, men and women are equals. 282 00:11:25,995 --> 00:11:29,415 Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! 283 00:11:29,499 --> 00:11:31,250 - Seize them! - Whoa! 284 00:11:32,752 --> 00:11:35,421 Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? 285 00:11:37,465 --> 00:11:38,882 This is for you, Daddy. 286 00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:40,175 Oh, man! 287 00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:42,344 Um, okay. Listen to me, Morty Jr. 288 00:11:42,429 --> 00:11:45,013 I've got to tell you something very important, okay? 289 00:11:45,098 --> 00:11:47,057 Killing is bad -- bad! 290 00:11:47,142 --> 00:11:49,059 You're silly, Daddy. 291 00:11:49,144 --> 00:11:51,311 No, Morty Jr. I'm being serious, okay? 292 00:11:51,396 --> 00:11:53,147 You need to put your energy into something else. 293 00:11:53,231 --> 00:11:54,898 I mean, what about dancing? 294 00:11:54,983 --> 00:11:56,358 Would you like to learn how to dance? 295 00:11:56,443 --> 00:11:59,236 I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. 296 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,780 Ohh! No, Morty Jr.! 297 00:12:03,616 --> 00:12:05,284 Daddy, can I go outside? 298 00:12:05,368 --> 00:12:06,827 No! Absolutely not! 299 00:12:06,911 --> 00:12:08,954 But that's where all the people and the animals are. 300 00:12:09,038 --> 00:12:11,206 Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- 301 00:12:11,291 --> 00:12:13,208 the air is poisonous for you! 302 00:12:13,293 --> 00:12:14,585 You will die -- you'll die instantly 303 00:12:14,669 --> 00:12:16,503 if you ever leave this house! 304 00:12:16,588 --> 00:12:17,838 You hear me? - For real? 305 00:12:17,922 --> 00:12:19,631 For real times a million, buddy. 306 00:12:19,716 --> 00:12:21,091 So, let's just stay inside, 307 00:12:21,176 --> 00:12:23,093 and, you know, let's try dancing, right? 308 00:12:23,178 --> 00:12:25,095 Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. 309 00:12:25,180 --> 00:12:26,972 Come on. Join -- dance with me here. 310 00:12:27,056 --> 00:12:28,765 We love to dance. - Why do we love to dance? 311 00:12:28,850 --> 00:12:31,268 'Cause I said so! 312 00:12:31,352 --> 00:12:34,104 Nice. 313 00:12:38,693 --> 00:12:40,569 So, what are you in for? 314 00:12:40,653 --> 00:12:42,696 Because I got -- I got a big, 315 00:12:42,780 --> 00:12:44,573 you know, penis between my legs. 316 00:12:44,657 --> 00:12:46,408 What -- what -- what are you in for? 317 00:12:46,493 --> 00:12:48,785 The worst crime a female can commit. 318 00:12:48,870 --> 00:12:50,412 Veronica Ann Bennett, 319 00:12:50,497 --> 00:12:53,624 I find you guilty of having bad bangs. 320 00:12:53,708 --> 00:12:55,584 You ever notice the ones with bad bangs 321 00:12:55,668 --> 00:12:57,294 always have three names? 322 00:12:57,378 --> 00:13:00,631 You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! 323 00:13:01,883 --> 00:13:04,009 Pfft! This is gonna be cake. 324 00:13:04,093 --> 00:13:05,177 No! Jackie! 325 00:13:05,261 --> 00:13:06,845 Rick and Summer of Earth, 326 00:13:06,930 --> 00:13:09,014 for the crimes of treason against womankind 327 00:13:09,098 --> 00:13:12,434 and for creating the sound of which we do not speak 328 00:13:12,519 --> 00:13:15,020 because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- 329 00:13:15,104 --> 00:13:17,105 What, what, what -- a night on the couch? 330 00:13:17,190 --> 00:13:18,899 - ...death. - Ooh, gerp. 331 00:13:18,983 --> 00:13:20,776 I hate you so much right now. 332 00:13:20,860 --> 00:13:22,778 This will be the first instance 333 00:13:22,862 --> 00:13:24,780 of capital punishment in our society 334 00:13:24,864 --> 00:13:27,449 in 500 years due to our awesomeness, 335 00:13:27,534 --> 00:13:29,493 so we are forced to improvise. 336 00:13:29,577 --> 00:13:32,538 We placed a large boulder on that ledge. 337 00:13:32,622 --> 00:13:35,165 Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! 338 00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:37,167 No! Stop interrupting! 339 00:13:37,252 --> 00:13:38,961 The boulder falls onto a lever 340 00:13:39,045 --> 00:13:40,963 that will launch... knives. 341 00:13:41,047 --> 00:13:42,130 What? 342 00:13:42,215 --> 00:13:43,966 Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. 343 00:13:44,050 --> 00:13:45,634 Stop interrupting! 344 00:13:45,718 --> 00:13:47,553 The knives will -- 345 00:13:47,637 --> 00:13:49,930 Fine! You were right the first time, okay? 346 00:13:50,014 --> 00:13:51,557 The boulder crushes you. 347 00:13:51,641 --> 00:13:53,559 I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? 348 00:13:53,643 --> 00:13:55,561 No, just ignore them. Ignore them. 349 00:13:55,645 --> 00:13:57,229 Such an asshole. 350 00:13:57,313 --> 00:13:59,064 Look, I'm sorry, Summer. 351 00:13:59,148 --> 00:14:00,857 I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. 352 00:14:00,942 --> 00:14:02,734 I wish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, 353 00:14:02,819 --> 00:14:04,403 and, you know, for what it's worth, 354 00:14:04,487 --> 00:14:06,405 that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. 355 00:14:06,489 --> 00:14:08,240 Top. My top! 356 00:14:08,324 --> 00:14:11,243 My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! 357 00:14:11,327 --> 00:14:14,580 Look -- look at the tag. Read it. 358 00:14:14,664 --> 00:14:17,374 Lt says, "Marc Jacobs." 359 00:14:17,458 --> 00:14:20,502 Marc? Jacob? These are names of the penis. 360 00:14:20,587 --> 00:14:23,630 Yes. An Earth man made this top. 361 00:14:23,715 --> 00:14:25,424 Maybe on your planet, 362 00:14:25,508 --> 00:14:28,051 separation of the genders is the right thing to do, 363 00:14:28,136 --> 00:14:30,053 but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males 364 00:14:30,138 --> 00:14:31,638 are born gay, 365 00:14:31,723 --> 00:14:35,183 which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. 366 00:14:35,268 --> 00:14:36,727 A man made something fashionable? 367 00:14:36,811 --> 00:14:39,730 It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, 368 00:14:39,814 --> 00:14:41,440 but it must be accepted. 369 00:14:41,524 --> 00:14:43,442 Like if I told you that you're using 370 00:14:43,526 --> 00:14:45,277 the wrong color foundation for your skin 371 00:14:45,361 --> 00:14:47,112 and it ends at your neck, 372 00:14:47,196 --> 00:14:48,864 making you look like a party clown. 373 00:14:48,948 --> 00:14:51,158 Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains... 374 00:14:51,242 --> 00:14:54,036 if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth, 375 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:55,662 you're no better than the men 376 00:14:55,747 --> 00:14:57,998 whose farts shall remain unspoken. 377 00:14:58,082 --> 00:15:00,000 And if you think my top is cute, 378 00:15:00,084 --> 00:15:02,002 you cannot execute. 379 00:15:03,630 --> 00:15:05,964 Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft 380 00:15:06,049 --> 00:15:07,966 so they may head back to their weird planet, 381 00:15:08,051 --> 00:15:11,094 where women are kind of equal but not really. 382 00:15:11,179 --> 00:15:13,096 Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. 383 00:15:13,181 --> 00:15:14,806 You know, you girls are really something, 384 00:15:14,891 --> 00:15:16,391 I'll tell you that. 385 00:15:16,476 --> 00:15:18,060 You know when we first go there, I was like -- 386 00:15:18,144 --> 00:15:19,686 Give them a ship now. 387 00:15:19,771 --> 00:15:23,065 Morty Jr.! Smoking?! 388 00:15:23,149 --> 00:15:24,566 That is not okay! 389 00:15:24,651 --> 00:15:25,859 What are you gonna do -- ground me? 390 00:15:25,943 --> 00:15:27,152 I can't go outside anyway! 391 00:15:27,236 --> 00:15:29,905 So what?! You could do things inside! 392 00:15:29,989 --> 00:15:32,157 You could play guitar. You could masturbate. 393 00:15:32,241 --> 00:15:34,701 I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! 394 00:15:34,786 --> 00:15:37,371 Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... 395 00:15:37,455 --> 00:15:39,456 is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?! 396 00:15:39,540 --> 00:15:41,124 Love -- that's all you care about! 397 00:15:41,209 --> 00:15:42,584 What about weapons?! 398 00:15:42,669 --> 00:15:44,461 What about domination of the enemy?! 399 00:15:44,545 --> 00:15:46,421 All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! 400 00:15:46,506 --> 00:15:48,757 This TV is for cartoons and video games only! 401 00:15:48,841 --> 00:15:51,802 I hate video games! You take that back! 402 00:15:51,886 --> 00:15:53,512 Give it to me! 403 00:15:53,596 --> 00:15:55,514 Ugh! 404 00:15:55,598 --> 00:15:57,516 I-I-I didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. 405 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,184 I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. 406 00:15:59,268 --> 00:16:01,687 I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... 407 00:16:01,771 --> 00:16:03,689 than live another minute with you! 408 00:16:03,773 --> 00:16:06,024 No! No, no, no! Stop! 409 00:16:11,155 --> 00:16:12,531 My life has been a lie! 410 00:16:12,615 --> 00:16:14,616 God is dead! The government's lame! 411 00:16:14,701 --> 00:16:16,618 Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! 412 00:16:16,703 --> 00:16:18,453 Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! 413 00:16:18,538 --> 00:16:20,080 They moved the date! Lt was a pagan holiday! 414 00:16:20,164 --> 00:16:22,082 - Oh, Dad! - Yes, Morty? 415 00:16:22,166 --> 00:16:24,084 My son is gonna take over the planet, 416 00:16:24,168 --> 00:16:25,627 and I am too young to drive! 417 00:16:25,712 --> 00:16:26,878 Can you help me get him back?! 418 00:16:28,172 --> 00:16:30,882 I suppose, Morty. I suppose. 419 00:16:30,967 --> 00:16:34,886 But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass 420 00:16:34,971 --> 00:16:38,056 of "I told you so." 421 00:16:41,310 --> 00:16:43,645 Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! 422 00:16:49,277 --> 00:16:52,821 ♪ Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, 423 00:16:52,905 --> 00:16:54,906 burnin' inside ♪ 424 00:16:54,991 --> 00:16:58,118 ♪ With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat 425 00:16:58,202 --> 00:17:01,246 and the fire in your pants, open wide ♪ 426 00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:03,874 ♪ You're gonna run from the damn cold, 427 00:17:03,958 --> 00:17:07,502 but you can't run from your youth ♪ 428 00:17:28,941 --> 00:17:31,943 Dad, there he is! 429 00:17:33,321 --> 00:17:34,738 Oh, god. Hey, stop that! 430 00:17:36,199 --> 00:17:37,741 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! 431 00:17:38,826 --> 00:17:41,953 Morty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. 432 00:17:42,038 --> 00:17:44,122 It's okay! 433 00:17:44,207 --> 00:17:46,082 Put the car down, Morty Jr. 434 00:17:46,167 --> 00:17:48,168 No! No! ♪ Wh-Where's your hands? ♪ 435 00:17:48,252 --> 00:17:51,755 ♪ Where's your hands? ♪ 436 00:17:51,839 --> 00:17:53,173 My car! 437 00:17:53,257 --> 00:17:57,177 ♪ And that's how we play handy hands ♪ 438 00:17:57,261 --> 00:17:58,845 Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! 439 00:17:58,930 --> 00:17:59,930 - No! - Morty! 440 00:18:00,014 --> 00:18:01,723 That's one of the most violently aggressive 441 00:18:01,808 --> 00:18:02,766 creatures in the universe! 442 00:18:02,850 --> 00:18:04,518 - Ow! - He's my son! 443 00:18:04,602 --> 00:18:08,396 And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! 444 00:18:13,069 --> 00:18:15,654 Dad, I'm so confused! 445 00:18:15,738 --> 00:18:18,365 I know, Morty Jr. I'm sorry. 446 00:18:18,449 --> 00:18:20,158 I ended up lying to you and yelling at you 447 00:18:20,243 --> 00:18:22,202 just like my parents did to me. 448 00:18:22,286 --> 00:18:24,621 You know, parents are just kids having kids. 449 00:18:24,705 --> 00:18:27,290 One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. 450 00:18:27,375 --> 00:18:29,459 The next minute, you're in a fist fight 451 00:18:29,544 --> 00:18:31,378 with your alien son. 452 00:18:31,462 --> 00:18:32,879 I'm an alien? 453 00:18:32,964 --> 00:18:34,881 We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. 454 00:18:34,966 --> 00:18:36,675 We just have to learn to channel them 455 00:18:36,759 --> 00:18:38,385 into something constructive. 456 00:18:38,469 --> 00:18:40,971 But I want to murder everyone I see. 457 00:18:41,055 --> 00:18:42,806 Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there 458 00:18:42,890 --> 00:18:44,474 for people that feel that way. 459 00:18:44,559 --> 00:18:45,976 Actually, there is. 460 00:18:46,060 --> 00:18:47,936 Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of 461 00:18:48,020 --> 00:18:50,146 the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." 462 00:18:50,231 --> 00:18:52,148 You should consider being a creative. 463 00:18:52,233 --> 00:18:53,859 I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts 464 00:18:53,943 --> 00:18:55,610 of mutilation and sexual assault 465 00:18:55,695 --> 00:18:57,445 on a near daily basis. 466 00:18:57,530 --> 00:19:00,031 But, you know, I channel it all into my work. 467 00:19:00,116 --> 00:19:01,741 - Oh. Wow. - Huh. 468 00:19:01,826 --> 00:19:03,827 I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." 469 00:19:03,911 --> 00:19:05,370 Well, did you get the impression 470 00:19:05,454 --> 00:19:07,581 I was trying to make you laugh? 471 00:19:08,624 --> 00:19:10,959 Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. 472 00:19:11,043 --> 00:19:13,169 Aw, see? You hear that, Morty Jr.? 473 00:19:13,254 --> 00:19:15,380 Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. 474 00:19:15,464 --> 00:19:17,424 Maybe! I always have sort of wanted 475 00:19:17,508 --> 00:19:19,718 to see my face on the back of a novel. 476 00:19:19,802 --> 00:19:22,721 I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, 477 00:19:22,805 --> 00:19:23,889 but beyond that... 478 00:19:23,973 --> 00:19:26,182 I know you can do it, son. 479 00:19:26,267 --> 00:19:28,602 I think it's time I get a place of my own. 480 00:19:28,686 --> 00:19:31,438 I promise I'll call you every day I need money 481 00:19:31,522 --> 00:19:33,648 or a place to do laundry. 482 00:19:34,901 --> 00:19:37,694 Aaaaaaah! 483 00:19:39,989 --> 00:19:43,408 So, I assume this novel your son writes 484 00:19:43,492 --> 00:19:46,870 is gonna pay for my rear axle? 485 00:19:46,954 --> 00:19:48,580 Isn't it interesting, Summer, 486 00:19:48,664 --> 00:19:50,582 that after all that stuff we just did, 487 00:19:50,666 --> 00:19:52,667 nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? 488 00:19:52,752 --> 00:19:54,711 Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? 489 00:19:54,795 --> 00:19:57,130 Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate 490 00:19:57,214 --> 00:19:59,382 your policy about taking girls on adventures? 491 00:19:59,467 --> 00:20:01,509 No. I'd say, given what we've been through, 492 00:20:01,594 --> 00:20:03,011 that I was right the whole time 493 00:20:03,095 --> 00:20:05,013 and any epiphanies about gender politics were 494 00:20:05,097 --> 00:20:06,890 a projection of your feminine insecurity. 495 00:20:06,974 --> 00:20:09,434 But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? 496 00:20:09,518 --> 00:20:11,519 Go ride around and have a jolly old time. 497 00:20:11,604 --> 00:20:13,730 Maybe that'll shut you up. - Dad? Summer? 498 00:20:13,814 --> 00:20:15,357 Where were you guys this whole time? 499 00:20:15,441 --> 00:20:16,942 On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? 500 00:20:17,026 --> 00:20:18,568 I was reading a newspaper. 501 00:20:18,653 --> 00:20:21,029 Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. 502 00:20:21,113 --> 00:20:23,406 l-I-I heard about a little bit of news myself. 503 00:20:23,491 --> 00:20:25,533 Take a look. T-Take a listen. 504 00:20:29,747 --> 00:20:30,789 Wubba-lubba-dub-dubs! 505 00:20:30,873 --> 00:20:32,540 This this world 506 00:20:32,625 --> 00:20:34,709 still got a -- it's still got a chance! 507 00:20:34,794 --> 00:20:36,378 Yeah! Ha ha! 508 00:20:36,462 --> 00:20:38,004 See you -- see you guys next week! 509 00:20:38,089 --> 00:20:39,547 See everybody next week. 510 00:21:09,704 --> 00:21:10,870 Mortimer Smith, Jr., 511 00:21:10,955 --> 00:21:12,497 New York Times bestselling author, 512 00:21:12,581 --> 00:21:14,499 your book is about innocence, the definition of it, 513 00:21:14,583 --> 00:21:16,501 and, inevitably, its impossibility. 514 00:21:16,585 --> 00:21:18,336 ls it autobiographical? 515 00:21:18,421 --> 00:21:19,587 Certainly. 516 00:21:19,672 --> 00:21:22,507 I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. 517 00:21:22,591 --> 00:21:25,468 But my, uh -- 518 00:21:25,553 --> 00:21:28,221 My father kept me locked in the house 519 00:21:28,305 --> 00:21:30,724 until I was a teenager. 520 00:21:30,808 --> 00:21:32,517 And there was violence 521 00:21:32,601 --> 00:21:35,645 and, uh, threats of poison gas -- 522 00:21:35,730 --> 00:21:37,397 but also dancing. 523 00:21:37,481 --> 00:21:39,524 But you persevered and created this masterpiece 524 00:21:39,608 --> 00:21:40,900 from your suffering. 525 00:21:40,985 --> 00:21:43,570 Smith Jr.'s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father," 526 00:21:43,654 --> 00:21:45,530 in every store and on everyone's mind. 527 00:21:45,614 --> 00:21:47,323 Pick it up. We'll be right back. 528 00:21:47,408 --> 00:21:48,908 It's a thankless job, Morty. 529 00:21:48,993 --> 00:21:50,076 You did the best you could. 530 00:21:50,161 --> 00:21:52,579 I hope he's eating enough. 531 00:21:54,123 --> 00:21:55,540 Did you get any of that? 532 00:21:55,624 --> 00:21:57,625 It's a good-a show!