1 00:00:00,871 --> 00:00:04,123 [ dramatic music plays] 2 00:00:04,208 --> 00:00:05,333 Cynthia... 3 00:00:05,417 --> 00:00:07,043 JERRY: Oh, my god. No. No. 4 00:00:07,127 --> 00:00:09,045 - I told you. - Hold on. 5 00:00:09,129 --> 00:00:11,047 Will you please... 6 00:00:11,131 --> 00:00:12,840 not marry me? I chose Veronica. 7 00:00:12,925 --> 00:00:14,092 - What?! - Yes! 8 00:00:14,176 --> 00:00:16,094 - Hold it. - Why would he chose Veronica? 9 00:00:16,178 --> 00:00:17,762 Because he loves her? 10 00:00:17,846 --> 00:00:19,180 Well, if it's any consolation, Summer, 11 00:00:19,265 --> 00:00:21,015 none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. 12 00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:22,475 Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. 13 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:24,477 You show us your concept of good TV, 14 00:00:24,562 --> 00:00:26,396 and we'll crap all over that. 15 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,065 Thought you'd never ask. 16 00:00:29,149 --> 00:00:30,316 Hey. 17 00:00:30,401 --> 00:00:32,318 Oh, cool. ls that crystallized xanthanite? 18 00:00:32,403 --> 00:00:34,279 It conducts electrons across dimensions. 19 00:00:34,363 --> 00:00:36,197 20% accurate as usual, Morty. 20 00:00:36,282 --> 00:00:37,699 The important thing being, 21 00:00:37,783 --> 00:00:39,659 I just upgraded our cable package 22 00:00:39,743 --> 00:00:41,911 with programing from every conceivable reality. 23 00:00:41,996 --> 00:00:43,496 Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? 24 00:00:43,581 --> 00:00:45,290 How about Showtime Extreme in a world 25 00:00:45,374 --> 00:00:46,958 where man evolved from corn? 26 00:00:47,042 --> 00:00:49,002 We're not so different. We're both corn of action. 27 00:00:49,044 --> 00:00:51,004 Yeah, but one of us is dead corn! 28 00:00:51,088 --> 00:00:52,380 SUMMER: Boring. 29 00:00:52,464 --> 00:00:54,424 Summer [burps] you just spent [burps] three months 30 00:00:54,466 --> 00:00:56,342 watching a man choose a fake wife. 31 00:00:56,427 --> 00:00:58,347 So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? 32 00:00:58,429 --> 00:00:59,971 RICK: Jerry, you don't get it. 33 00:01:00,055 --> 00:01:03,224 This is infinite TV from infinite universes. 34 00:01:03,309 --> 00:01:05,018 Look. - This shit is delicious. 35 00:01:05,102 --> 00:01:08,062 A movie about a guy eating shit. 36 00:01:08,147 --> 00:01:10,106 A violent antique show. 37 00:01:10,190 --> 00:01:11,524 [ laughs] It's a pleasure to have you. 38 00:01:11,609 --> 00:01:13,443 The pleasure's all mine. 39 00:01:13,527 --> 00:01:15,528 Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. 40 00:01:15,613 --> 00:01:17,238 - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? 41 00:01:17,323 --> 00:01:18,865 RICK: I agree. Where is this going? 42 00:01:18,949 --> 00:01:20,450 No, the other thing! Go back. 43 00:01:20,534 --> 00:01:21,993 RICK: Really? All right, fine. 44 00:01:22,077 --> 00:01:24,495 Glen, this court order says you can't eat shit anymore. 45 00:01:24,580 --> 00:01:26,497 [ dramatic music plays] - All right, Jerry. 46 00:01:26,582 --> 00:01:28,333 When you're right, you're right. 47 00:01:28,417 --> 00:01:29,709 Now I'm hooked. 48 00:02:01,659 --> 00:02:03,618 Coming up next on "Shmloo's the Shmloss," 49 00:02:03,702 --> 00:02:05,244 Shmlony has a nightmare. 50 00:02:05,329 --> 00:02:08,289 - Shmlantha! Shmlona! - RICK: Amazing... a dimension 51 00:02:08,374 --> 00:02:10,291 where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." 52 00:02:10,376 --> 00:02:12,794 Shmla... Shmlangela? 53 00:02:12,878 --> 00:02:14,462 Shmlonathan? 54 00:02:14,546 --> 00:02:16,756 All right, that actually got old pretty quick. 55 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,299 [ groans ] Rick! 56 00:02:18,384 --> 00:02:20,551 Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? 57 00:02:20,636 --> 00:02:22,303 Infinity's a big number, Jerry. 58 00:02:22,388 --> 00:02:23,805 I don't remember the channel. 59 00:02:23,889 --> 00:02:25,390 SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! 60 00:02:25,474 --> 00:02:27,892 - RICK: Geez. - You speak the true-true. 61 00:02:27,976 --> 00:02:30,228 Oh, my god. Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! 62 00:02:30,312 --> 00:02:33,022 I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? 63 00:02:33,107 --> 00:02:34,649 Sometimes, small true-true 64 00:02:34,733 --> 00:02:36,651 different than the big true-true. 65 00:02:36,735 --> 00:02:38,194 How is this possible? 66 00:02:38,278 --> 00:02:40,488 Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, 67 00:02:40,572 --> 00:02:42,452 including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. 68 00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:44,033 Look, you guys are getting excited 69 00:02:44,118 --> 00:02:45,785 about the wrong aspect of this device. 70 00:02:45,869 --> 00:02:47,453 Wha... look at this. 71 00:02:47,538 --> 00:02:50,123 And now, another quick mystery. 72 00:02:50,207 --> 00:02:51,967 I just want to know who could have done this. 73 00:02:52,042 --> 00:02:53,960 It's a travesty. - I did. 74 00:02:54,044 --> 00:02:55,378 See this knife and all the blood on it? 75 00:02:55,462 --> 00:02:56,671 Here's my fingerprints. 76 00:02:56,755 --> 00:02:59,048 Guilty. I sentence you to life in prison. 77 00:02:59,133 --> 00:03:00,633 Here's another quick mystery. 78 00:03:00,718 --> 00:03:02,635 - My mother's dead. - And I killed her. 79 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,345 Here's the weapon, and cuff me. 80 00:03:04,430 --> 00:03:05,638 Thank you very much. 81 00:03:05,723 --> 00:03:07,265 Guilty. Sentenced to murder. 82 00:03:07,349 --> 00:03:08,391 [ chokes, gags] 83 00:03:08,475 --> 00:03:10,643 - Here's another. - I'm the killer. 84 00:03:10,728 --> 00:03:13,312 Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? 85 00:03:13,397 --> 00:03:15,857 Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows 86 00:03:15,941 --> 00:03:18,109 from different dimensions, and... and then who wants 87 00:03:18,193 --> 00:03:20,695 to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? 88 00:03:20,779 --> 00:03:23,364 I want to obsess about myself. 89 00:03:23,449 --> 00:03:25,366 [ sighs ] Here, these scan your retinas 90 00:03:25,451 --> 00:03:27,368 and let you view parallel timelines 91 00:03:27,453 --> 00:03:29,245 through genetically matching versions of your eyes. 92 00:03:29,329 --> 00:03:30,329 Go fetch. 93 00:03:30,330 --> 00:03:32,206 - This is so cool. - Ladies first. 94 00:03:32,291 --> 00:03:33,416 I'm proud of you, Morty. 95 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:35,543 Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. 96 00:03:35,627 --> 00:03:37,462 Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. 97 00:03:37,546 --> 00:03:38,796 I'm Ants in My Eyes Johnson, 98 00:03:38,881 --> 00:03:41,132 here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson's electronics. 99 00:03:41,216 --> 00:03:43,217 I mean, there's so many ants in my eyes. 100 00:03:43,302 --> 00:03:46,262 And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, I think. 101 00:03:46,346 --> 00:03:49,557 I can't... I'm not 100% sure what we have here in stock 102 00:03:49,641 --> 00:03:51,267 because I can't see anything. 103 00:03:51,351 --> 00:03:54,103 Our prices, I hope, aren't too low. 104 00:03:54,188 --> 00:03:56,773 Check out this refrigerator, only $200. 105 00:03:56,857 --> 00:03:58,649 What about this microwave? Only $100. 106 00:03:58,734 --> 00:04:00,276 That's fair. 107 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,737 I'm Ants in My Eyes Johnson. Everything's black. 108 00:04:02,821 --> 00:04:04,197 I can't see a thing. 109 00:04:04,281 --> 00:04:06,199 And also, I can't feel anything, either. 110 00:04:06,283 --> 00:04:07,325 Did I mention that? 111 00:04:07,409 --> 00:04:09,911 But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, 112 00:04:09,995 --> 00:04:12,538 so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. 113 00:04:12,623 --> 00:04:14,707 I can't feel. It's a very rare disease. 114 00:04:14,792 --> 00:04:16,417 All my... all my nerves, 115 00:04:16,502 --> 00:04:18,753 they don't allow for the sensation of touch, 116 00:04:18,837 --> 00:04:20,713 so I never know what's going on. 117 00:04:20,798 --> 00:04:22,715 Am I standing, sitting? I don't know. 118 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,259 Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives? 119 00:04:25,344 --> 00:04:27,595 You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. 120 00:04:27,679 --> 00:04:29,722 Give me those. [ beeping ] 121 00:04:29,807 --> 00:04:30,807 BETH: What do you see? 122 00:04:30,891 --> 00:04:33,810 Whiteness... pure whiteness. 123 00:04:33,894 --> 00:04:35,728 [ snorting ] 124 00:04:35,813 --> 00:04:37,480 You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. 125 00:04:37,564 --> 00:04:38,940 I love doing cocaine with you. 126 00:04:39,024 --> 00:04:42,026 Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp. 127 00:04:42,110 --> 00:04:45,112 [ groans ] Haven't we spent enough time on you? 128 00:04:45,197 --> 00:04:47,865 [ beeping ] I'm performing surgery... 129 00:04:47,950 --> 00:04:49,867 but not on a horse... on a human. 130 00:04:49,952 --> 00:04:51,494 JERRY: That's great, Beth. 131 00:04:51,578 --> 00:04:53,746 You always wanted to be a real surgeon. 132 00:04:53,831 --> 00:04:55,748 I am a real surgeon. 133 00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:57,458 Uh... Summer's turn. 134 00:04:57,543 --> 00:04:59,460 Finally. [ beeping ] 135 00:04:59,545 --> 00:05:01,462 I don't see anything. 136 00:05:01,547 --> 00:05:03,214 Well, you should select a different timeline. 137 00:05:03,298 --> 00:05:05,218 I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, 138 00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:06,717 there's a chance you weren't even born. 139 00:05:06,802 --> 00:05:09,220 That came out wrong. That came out very wrong. 140 00:05:09,304 --> 00:05:12,807 Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me. 141 00:05:12,891 --> 00:05:15,852 [ beeping ] 142 00:05:15,936 --> 00:05:17,979 We're playing Yahtzee. 143 00:05:18,063 --> 00:05:19,730 Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. 144 00:05:19,815 --> 00:05:21,399 It's a fun game for fun families. 145 00:05:21,483 --> 00:05:23,651 Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second? 146 00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:27,071 It's a 45-horsepower with antilock brakes, 147 00:05:27,155 --> 00:05:30,241 and it's the official car of "Mr. Sneezy 3D." 148 00:05:30,325 --> 00:05:33,035 It's the brand-new Sneezy XL. 149 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,913 The horn, when you honk it, makes a sneeze noise. 150 00:05:35,998 --> 00:05:37,081 [ sneezes] 151 00:05:37,165 --> 00:05:39,083 It's polite, it's right, 152 00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:44,130 and it's Sneezy, Deezy MC... Deluxe. 153 00:05:44,214 --> 00:05:45,798 I'm Mr. Sneezy. [ sneezes] 154 00:05:45,883 --> 00:05:48,342 Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions 155 00:05:48,427 --> 00:05:50,261 has a somewhat looser feel to it. 156 00:05:50,345 --> 00:05:53,097 Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. 157 00:05:53,181 --> 00:05:55,725 It's in theaters now. Coming this Summer. 158 00:05:55,809 --> 00:05:58,227 Two brothers in a van, 159 00:05:58,312 --> 00:05:59,687 and then a meteor hits. 160 00:05:59,771 --> 00:06:01,939 And they ran as fast as they could 161 00:06:02,024 --> 00:06:03,816 from giant cat monsters. 162 00:06:03,901 --> 00:06:05,735 And then a giant tornado came. 163 00:06:05,819 --> 00:06:11,115 And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear. 164 00:06:11,199 --> 00:06:13,993 A Mexican armada shows up, 165 00:06:14,077 --> 00:06:17,330 with weapons made from t-tomatoes. 166 00:06:17,414 --> 00:06:19,582 And you better bet your bottom dollar 167 00:06:19,666 --> 00:06:23,336 that these two brothers know how to handle business 168 00:06:23,420 --> 00:06:27,298 in "Alien Invasion Tomato Monster 169 00:06:27,382 --> 00:06:28,633 Mexican Armada Brothers, 170 00:06:28,717 --> 00:06:30,718 Who are Just Regular Brothers, 171 00:06:30,802 --> 00:06:32,970 Running in a Van from an Asteroid 172 00:06:33,055 --> 00:06:37,016 and All Sort of Things: The Movie." 173 00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:39,018 Hold on. There's more. 174 00:06:39,102 --> 00:06:41,437 Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. 175 00:06:41,521 --> 00:06:43,314 And they're gonna come 176 00:06:43,398 --> 00:06:45,858 and cross attack these two brothers. 177 00:06:45,943 --> 00:06:47,443 But let's get back to the brothers, 178 00:06:47,527 --> 00:06:50,446 because they're... they have a strong bond. 179 00:06:50,530 --> 00:06:51,739 You don't want to know about it here, 180 00:06:51,823 --> 00:06:53,407 but I'll tell you one thing. 181 00:06:53,492 --> 00:06:55,660 The moon... it comes crashing into Earth. 182 00:06:55,744 --> 00:06:57,620 And what do you do then? 183 00:06:57,704 --> 00:07:00,414 It's two brothers and... and they're gonna... 184 00:07:00,499 --> 00:07:02,416 It's called "Two Brothers." "Two Brothers." 185 00:07:02,501 --> 00:07:04,585 [ laughing ] It's just called "Two Brothers." 186 00:07:04,670 --> 00:07:06,837 Holy crap. I am winning a Nobel prize. 187 00:07:06,922 --> 00:07:09,006 Come on. Time's up. [ beeping ] 188 00:07:09,091 --> 00:07:10,716 I'm taming a lion. 189 00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:12,843 No, wait. There are film cameras. 190 00:07:12,928 --> 00:07:15,471 I might be a lion tamer in a movie. 191 00:07:15,555 --> 00:07:17,181 You get the idea. I work with lions. 192 00:07:17,265 --> 00:07:19,392 [ beeping ] 193 00:07:19,476 --> 00:07:21,769 Ohh, we're not playing Yahtzee! 194 00:07:21,853 --> 00:07:24,063 We're playing Chutes and Ladders. 195 00:07:24,147 --> 00:07:26,774 Seems like when I exist, life gets a little more... 196 00:07:26,858 --> 00:07:28,442 I don't know... predictable? 197 00:07:28,527 --> 00:07:30,486 When two people create a life together, 198 00:07:30,570 --> 00:07:33,489 they set aside their previous lives as individuals. 199 00:07:33,573 --> 00:07:35,116 Give me a break. 200 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,868 We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. 201 00:07:37,953 --> 00:07:39,203 Oh, I get it. 202 00:07:39,287 --> 00:07:41,372 Now that you know you could have had it better, 203 00:07:41,456 --> 00:07:43,791 you resent me for holding you back. 204 00:07:43,875 --> 00:07:46,377 Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, 205 00:07:46,461 --> 00:07:48,301 we know you thought there were unturned tables. 206 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:50,256 What are you talking about? 207 00:07:50,340 --> 00:07:51,924 All this time, you've been thinking, "what if that loser, 208 00:07:52,009 --> 00:07:54,218 Jerry, hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" 209 00:07:54,302 --> 00:07:56,303 - Um... - Well, now you know. 210 00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:57,430 You'd be a doctor. Whoop-DE-do. 211 00:07:57,514 --> 00:07:59,098 You'd also be drinking wine alone 212 00:07:59,182 --> 00:08:01,350 in a house full of exotic birds. 213 00:08:01,435 --> 00:08:04,186 And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart. 214 00:08:04,271 --> 00:08:06,605 You thought about getting an abortion? 215 00:08:06,690 --> 00:08:08,065 Everyone thinks about it. 216 00:08:08,150 --> 00:08:10,150 Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it, 217 00:08:10,152 --> 00:08:13,154 so you're welcome. - Yeah, you're welcome. 218 00:08:13,238 --> 00:08:14,822 Yeah, thank you guys so much. 219 00:08:14,906 --> 00:08:16,532 It's a real treat to be raised by parents 220 00:08:16,616 --> 00:08:18,284 that forced themselves to be together 221 00:08:18,368 --> 00:08:19,994 instead of being happy. 222 00:08:20,078 --> 00:08:22,163 Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? 223 00:08:22,247 --> 00:08:23,497 Mmm! 224 00:08:23,582 --> 00:08:24,665 Oh, boy. 225 00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:26,167 Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives 226 00:08:26,251 --> 00:08:28,011 and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? 227 00:08:28,086 --> 00:08:29,253 That's too bad. 228 00:08:29,337 --> 00:08:30,977 You know, me and Morty are having a blast. 229 00:08:31,006 --> 00:08:32,590 We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers." 230 00:08:32,674 --> 00:08:34,550 I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, 231 00:08:34,634 --> 00:08:37,553 but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse. 232 00:08:38,096 --> 00:08:41,432 [ metal music plays] 233 00:08:50,567 --> 00:08:52,985 - I'm in heaven right now. - The best day of my life. 234 00:08:53,070 --> 00:08:54,737 So, now what do we do? 235 00:08:54,821 --> 00:08:56,941 That show "Ball Fondlers" sounded kind of interesting. 236 00:08:56,948 --> 00:08:58,574 - Dad! - What?! 237 00:08:58,658 --> 00:09:00,868 They're having fun in there. What do you guys want from me? 238 00:09:00,952 --> 00:09:02,870 Every family on this block has to wonder 239 00:09:02,954 --> 00:09:04,580 if they're together by choice. 240 00:09:04,664 --> 00:09:06,457 Our family just has interdimensional goggles 241 00:09:06,541 --> 00:09:08,876 to show us for a fact that we're not. 242 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,545 - Well, I'm leaving. - You can't leave. You're 17. 243 00:09:11,630 --> 00:09:13,130 Yeah, and I'm not pregnant. 244 00:09:13,215 --> 00:09:16,092 I'm gonna have better judgment than you guys had at my age. 245 00:09:16,176 --> 00:09:18,552 I'm gonna move to the southwest and... 246 00:09:18,637 --> 00:09:21,722 I don't know, do something with turquoise. 247 00:09:21,807 --> 00:09:25,726 It's "Saturday Night Live," 248 00:09:25,811 --> 00:09:28,395 starring a piece of toast, 249 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,731 two guys with handlebar mustaches, 250 00:09:30,816 --> 00:09:33,651 a man painted silver who makes robot noises, 251 00:09:33,735 --> 00:09:35,486 Gar Ma Nar Nar, 252 00:09:35,570 --> 00:09:38,197 three, um, um, um... 253 00:09:38,281 --> 00:09:40,032 I'll get back to that one, 254 00:09:40,117 --> 00:09:41,742 a hole in the wall 255 00:09:41,827 --> 00:09:43,911 where the men can see it all, 256 00:09:43,995 --> 00:09:48,207 and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, 257 00:09:48,291 --> 00:09:51,627 Bobby Moynihan! 258 00:09:51,711 --> 00:09:53,170 Interesting fun fact... 259 00:09:53,255 --> 00:09:55,756 Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other. 260 00:09:55,841 --> 00:09:58,759 Apparently, they've got some real creative differences. 261 00:09:58,844 --> 00:10:00,177 Hey, are you tired of real doors 262 00:10:00,262 --> 00:10:01,846 cluttering up your house, 263 00:10:01,930 --> 00:10:03,514 where you open them and you actually go somewhere, 264 00:10:03,598 --> 00:10:04,890 and you go into another room? 265 00:10:04,975 --> 00:10:07,476 Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. 266 00:10:07,561 --> 00:10:08,936 Fill a whole room up with them. 267 00:10:09,020 --> 00:10:10,187 See, watch. Check this out. 268 00:10:10,272 --> 00:10:11,313 [ grunts ] Won't open. 269 00:10:11,398 --> 00:10:12,439 [ grunts ] Won't open. 270 00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:13,774 [ grunts ] Not this one. 271 00:10:13,859 --> 00:10:14,942 [ grunts ] Not this one. 272 00:10:15,026 --> 00:10:16,026 None of them open. 273 00:10:16,111 --> 00:10:17,736 Fakedoors.com is our website, 274 00:10:17,821 --> 00:10:20,739 so check it out for a lot of really great deals 275 00:10:20,824 --> 00:10:24,034 on fake do-o-o-o-rs! 276 00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:32,042 Hey, wait a minute, Rick. 277 00:10:32,127 --> 00:10:33,502 I thought this was a commercial. 278 00:10:33,587 --> 00:10:35,212 What's going on? - Relax, Morty. 279 00:10:35,297 --> 00:10:38,966 Don't... don't worry about it. Let's just see where this goes. 280 00:10:39,050 --> 00:10:41,093 Step on it! We all got places to be! 281 00:10:41,178 --> 00:10:43,512 [ honks horn ] Son of a bitch. 282 00:10:45,307 --> 00:10:47,141 Oh, that must be where he lives. 283 00:10:47,225 --> 00:10:48,559 Okay. 284 00:10:48,643 --> 00:10:52,188 RICK: Huh. He's making himself a sandwich now. 285 00:10:54,858 --> 00:10:56,734 Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. 286 00:10:56,818 --> 00:10:59,069 Just made a sandwich... peanut butter and jelly. 287 00:10:59,154 --> 00:11:00,988 Still here, still selling fake doors. 288 00:11:01,072 --> 00:11:02,114 MORTY: What? 289 00:11:02,199 --> 00:11:04,158 Oh, my god. It's still the commercial. 290 00:11:04,242 --> 00:11:06,160 We have fake doors like you wouldn't believe. 291 00:11:06,244 --> 00:11:08,537 What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. 292 00:11:08,622 --> 00:11:10,831 Call us up and order some fake doors today. 293 00:11:10,916 --> 00:11:12,708 Don't even hesitate, don't even worry, 294 00:11:12,792 --> 00:11:13,792 and don't even... 295 00:11:13,835 --> 00:11:14,960 All right, I'm bored. Change it. 296 00:11:15,045 --> 00:11:16,795 Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. 297 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,005 That's our slogan. 298 00:11:18,089 --> 00:11:20,299 See it on the bottom of the screen below our name. 299 00:11:20,383 --> 00:11:22,426 Here's another slogan right below that one. 300 00:11:22,510 --> 00:11:25,012 What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. 301 00:11:25,096 --> 00:11:27,014 Get in here quick, get out quicker 302 00:11:27,098 --> 00:11:28,807 with an arm of fake doors in your arms. 303 00:11:28,892 --> 00:11:31,310 Okay, okay, you can change it. 304 00:11:31,394 --> 00:11:33,854 [ yawns] I hate Mamumanums-days, 305 00:11:33,939 --> 00:11:36,357 and I really could go for some enchiladas. 306 00:11:36,441 --> 00:11:38,776 MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. 307 00:11:38,860 --> 00:11:41,695 It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. 308 00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:44,406 Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? 309 00:11:44,491 --> 00:11:46,450 Remember that whole thing? 310 00:11:46,534 --> 00:11:48,452 Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty... pretty... 311 00:11:48,536 --> 00:11:49,995 That's true. That's right. 312 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,665 Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. 313 00:11:52,749 --> 00:11:54,667 Hey, John. It's me, Gazorpazorpfield. 314 00:11:54,751 --> 00:11:56,502 Boy fuck you, John, 315 00:11:56,586 --> 00:11:59,255 you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. 316 00:11:59,339 --> 00:12:02,258 Come on, Gazorpazorpfield. Go easy on me, huh? 317 00:12:02,342 --> 00:12:05,052 You dumb, stupid, weak, 318 00:12:05,136 --> 00:12:08,180 pathetic, white, white, 319 00:12:08,265 --> 00:12:10,516 uh... guilt... 320 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,935 white-guilt milquetoast 321 00:12:13,019 --> 00:12:14,979 piece of human garbage. 322 00:12:15,063 --> 00:12:16,343 Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's... 323 00:12:16,398 --> 00:12:17,940 you know, you're pretty mean to me, 324 00:12:18,024 --> 00:12:19,191 but that takes the cake. 325 00:12:19,276 --> 00:12:20,859 I don't give a fuck. 326 00:12:20,944 --> 00:12:23,153 I'm Gazorpazorp-fuckin'-field, bitch. 327 00:12:23,238 --> 00:12:25,489 Now give me my fucking enchiladas. 328 00:12:25,573 --> 00:12:27,783 Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? 329 00:12:27,867 --> 00:12:29,326 Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. 330 00:12:29,411 --> 00:12:30,786 No, Morty, it's Lorenzo Music. 331 00:12:30,870 --> 00:12:32,454 In this reality, he's still alive. 332 00:12:32,539 --> 00:12:34,290 Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? 333 00:12:34,374 --> 00:12:35,833 Yeah, I'm pretty sure. 334 00:12:35,917 --> 00:12:37,793 He also did the voice of that one guy from "Ghostbusters," 335 00:12:37,877 --> 00:12:39,920 which is really strange because it's the same character 336 00:12:40,005 --> 00:12:41,130 Bill Murray played in the movie. 337 00:12:41,214 --> 00:12:42,589 But then, when they made the movie, 338 00:12:42,674 --> 00:12:44,717 Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp... 339 00:12:44,801 --> 00:12:46,761 - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. 340 00:12:46,803 --> 00:12:48,637 So all that happened in this reality, too? 341 00:12:48,722 --> 00:12:49,805 I don't know. 342 00:12:49,889 --> 00:12:51,348 Just making conversation with you, Morty. 343 00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:52,808 What, you think I'm a... I'm... 344 00:12:52,892 --> 00:12:54,935 I know everything about everything? 345 00:12:55,020 --> 00:12:57,104 Did you really talk me out of the abortion? 346 00:12:57,188 --> 00:13:00,357 Well, we... we blew a tire on the way to the clinic. 347 00:13:00,442 --> 00:13:03,736 I think, in my head, I was doing it all for the kids. 348 00:13:03,820 --> 00:13:07,239 And now the first kid is going to do something with turquoise. 349 00:13:07,324 --> 00:13:09,366 [ sighs ] Which is either code for crystal meth 350 00:13:09,451 --> 00:13:11,243 or a gateway to it. 351 00:13:11,328 --> 00:13:13,370 So we didn't do the kids any favors. 352 00:13:13,455 --> 00:13:16,248 So we should stay together for each other and ourselves, 353 00:13:16,333 --> 00:13:18,125 or... 354 00:13:18,209 --> 00:13:20,044 Or... 355 00:13:21,338 --> 00:13:24,465 Man, woman, and now Trunkman? 356 00:13:24,549 --> 00:13:26,383 We know science has created men that have a trunk 357 00:13:26,468 --> 00:13:28,010 that allows them to have sex with both 358 00:13:28,094 --> 00:13:30,095 male and female partners. 359 00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:32,389 But we don't like the idea of these people getting married. 360 00:13:32,474 --> 00:13:35,184 Put a line in the sand, everybody. 361 00:13:35,268 --> 00:13:36,977 Vote "no" on proposition XW2. 362 00:13:37,062 --> 00:13:39,396 The act that says trunkpeople can get married. 363 00:13:39,481 --> 00:13:40,773 Who needs it? 364 00:13:40,857 --> 00:13:42,274 Not on my watch. 365 00:13:42,359 --> 00:13:46,153 Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers. 366 00:13:46,237 --> 00:13:48,280 Hi. I'm a trunkperson, and I want... 367 00:13:48,365 --> 00:13:51,033 I feel love in my heart, too, just like you. 368 00:13:51,117 --> 00:13:52,868 I wanna be able to express that love 369 00:13:52,952 --> 00:13:54,661 with both a man and a woman. 370 00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:56,163 And I won't be able to 371 00:13:56,247 --> 00:13:58,499 if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. 372 00:13:58,583 --> 00:14:01,001 Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh? 373 00:14:01,086 --> 00:14:03,712 Paid for by trunkpeople. 374 00:14:03,797 --> 00:14:05,881 Oh, I love me strawberry sniggles. 375 00:14:05,965 --> 00:14:08,008 Ooh, I hope nobody ever gets my hands on me 376 00:14:08,093 --> 00:14:11,303 and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. 377 00:14:11,388 --> 00:14:12,788 I'm gonna eat every last one of them, 378 00:14:12,847 --> 00:14:14,765 because... and then they'll be in my stomach, 379 00:14:14,849 --> 00:14:16,850 and nobody will ever be able to eat them. 380 00:14:16,935 --> 00:14:19,311 Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. 381 00:14:19,396 --> 00:14:23,690 Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, 382 00:14:23,775 --> 00:14:25,526 and God forbid anyone ever take my sner... 383 00:14:25,610 --> 00:14:27,319 little-people snibbles. 384 00:14:27,404 --> 00:14:28,821 I'm keeping them all for me. 385 00:14:28,905 --> 00:14:30,864 Mmm. Mmm. 386 00:14:30,949 --> 00:14:32,908 Last bite. Mmm. 387 00:14:32,992 --> 00:14:34,910 Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. 388 00:14:34,994 --> 00:14:36,453 Ooh, am I feeling good. 389 00:14:36,538 --> 00:14:38,747 No! Get away from me! Get away from me! 390 00:14:38,832 --> 00:14:40,749 There's no more strawberry snibbles... no! 391 00:14:40,834 --> 00:14:42,418 [ chokes, sputters] 392 00:14:42,502 --> 00:14:44,336 Jesus Christ! 393 00:14:44,421 --> 00:14:46,004 Jesus Christ! It hurts! 394 00:14:46,089 --> 00:14:47,506 My entrails are out! 395 00:14:47,590 --> 00:14:49,049 Why would you even want to eat these? 396 00:14:49,134 --> 00:14:51,218 They're soaked with my stomach acid. 397 00:14:51,302 --> 00:14:53,470 Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, 398 00:14:53,555 --> 00:14:55,347 and spirit, save me. 399 00:14:55,432 --> 00:14:57,057 Take me to the light. 400 00:14:57,142 --> 00:14:58,809 Oh, my god. I see demons. 401 00:14:58,893 --> 00:15:00,352 I see demons are coming! 402 00:15:00,437 --> 00:15:02,062 Geez, Rick. Oh, my god. 403 00:15:02,147 --> 00:15:03,507 That's some pretty hard-core stuff, 404 00:15:03,523 --> 00:15:05,441 you know, for a cereal commercial. 405 00:15:05,525 --> 00:15:08,026 Well, Morty... I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, 406 00:15:08,111 --> 00:15:09,820 you gotta pump the gas a little. 407 00:15:09,904 --> 00:15:11,530 Pedal to the metal, Morty. 408 00:15:11,614 --> 00:15:14,950 In a world where muscular Mannies are coming, 409 00:15:15,034 --> 00:15:16,618 and they're coming strong, 410 00:15:16,703 --> 00:15:20,247 there's only three unmuscular Michaels. 411 00:15:20,331 --> 00:15:22,499 Get down. Hurry. Run. 412 00:15:22,584 --> 00:15:24,042 [ screeching] 413 00:15:24,127 --> 00:15:28,255 And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, 414 00:15:28,339 --> 00:15:30,966 and you got to take care of it. 415 00:15:31,050 --> 00:15:33,385 With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, 416 00:15:33,470 --> 00:15:37,139 no room is safe from the turbulent power 417 00:15:37,223 --> 00:15:39,266 of Turbulent Juice. 418 00:15:39,350 --> 00:15:41,268 - What in the hell? - Sex sells, Morty. 419 00:15:41,352 --> 00:15:43,270 Sex sells what? 420 00:15:43,354 --> 00:15:45,856 Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff? 421 00:15:45,940 --> 00:15:47,357 - [ sighs ] - Hey, Dad. 422 00:15:47,442 --> 00:15:48,859 - God. - What's going on? 423 00:15:48,943 --> 00:15:50,703 Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending 424 00:15:50,737 --> 00:15:52,279 some time apart, Morty. 425 00:15:52,363 --> 00:15:54,281 And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy. 426 00:15:54,365 --> 00:15:57,117 - What? - Speaking of [burps] what, 427 00:15:57,202 --> 00:16:00,496 Morty, [burps] what should we watch next? 428 00:16:00,580 --> 00:16:02,331 What about this? 429 00:16:02,415 --> 00:16:04,291 Babylegs, you're a good detective. 430 00:16:04,375 --> 00:16:06,835 But not good enough, because of your baby legs. 431 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,837 So I'm partnering you up with Regularlegs. 432 00:16:08,922 --> 00:16:10,297 Hey, there. 433 00:16:10,381 --> 00:16:12,299 Detective, I'm... this is upsetting to me 434 00:16:12,383 --> 00:16:15,135 because I feel like I don't need no regular-leg partner. 435 00:16:15,220 --> 00:16:16,929 Babylegs, don't talk back to me. 436 00:16:17,013 --> 00:16:18,430 Good luck, you two. 437 00:16:18,515 --> 00:16:20,474 There's a criminal to kill. [ slurps] 438 00:16:20,558 --> 00:16:22,518 Wow, you sure found this guy quick. 439 00:16:22,602 --> 00:16:24,520 Uh, yeah, because I'm a good detective. 440 00:16:24,604 --> 00:16:26,313 Look, Babylegs. It's the criminal. 441 00:16:26,397 --> 00:16:28,065 Oh, fuck it. I'm the killer. I'm running. 442 00:16:28,149 --> 00:16:29,149 I'm running real quick. 443 00:16:29,234 --> 00:16:31,151 Babylegs, here we go! 444 00:16:31,236 --> 00:16:33,028 [trilling ] 445 00:16:33,112 --> 00:16:35,697 That's the sound I make when I'm trying to run fast. 446 00:16:35,782 --> 00:16:37,491 [trilling ] 447 00:16:37,575 --> 00:16:39,326 All right, I'm not gonna get him. 448 00:16:39,410 --> 00:16:41,328 I just learned a real valuable lesson. 449 00:16:41,412 --> 00:16:43,038 I'm coming, Babylegs. 450 00:16:43,122 --> 00:16:44,915 I'm... Regularlegs. 451 00:16:44,999 --> 00:16:46,542 [ grunts ] We got him. 452 00:16:46,626 --> 00:16:48,210 Hey, that was good teamwork. 453 00:16:48,294 --> 00:16:50,087 Babylegs and Regularlegs, 454 00:16:50,171 --> 00:16:52,089 I'm proud of you two for working together. 455 00:16:52,173 --> 00:16:54,091 And, Babylegs, I know it was hard for you 456 00:16:54,175 --> 00:16:56,552 to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, 457 00:16:56,636 --> 00:16:58,136 but I'm proud of you that you did it. 458 00:16:58,221 --> 00:16:59,221 Hey, thanks, Chief. 459 00:16:59,264 --> 00:17:00,931 Now get the fuck out of here. 460 00:17:01,015 --> 00:17:02,516 Pretty cool, huh, Morty? 461 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,101 Oh. - I thought it was cool. 462 00:17:04,185 --> 00:17:07,563 I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. 463 00:17:07,647 --> 00:17:08,647 [ click ] 464 00:17:11,025 --> 00:17:14,444 Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? 465 00:17:14,529 --> 00:17:16,113 I kind of know how you feel, Summer. 466 00:17:16,197 --> 00:17:17,990 No, you don't. You're the little brother. 467 00:17:18,074 --> 00:17:19,794 You're not the cause of your parents misery. 468 00:17:19,826 --> 00:17:22,494 You're just a symptom of it. 469 00:17:22,579 --> 00:17:24,539 - Can I show you something? - Morty, no offense... 470 00:17:24,581 --> 00:17:26,582 but a drawing of me you made when you were eight 471 00:17:26,666 --> 00:17:28,250 isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident. 472 00:17:28,334 --> 00:17:31,086 That out there? That's my grave. 473 00:17:31,170 --> 00:17:33,797 - Wait, what? - On one of our adventures... 474 00:17:33,881 --> 00:17:36,592 Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, 475 00:17:36,676 --> 00:17:39,595 so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one. 476 00:17:39,679 --> 00:17:42,097 Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. 477 00:17:42,181 --> 00:17:44,308 And in this one, we were dead. 478 00:17:44,392 --> 00:17:46,232 So we came here and... and we buried ourselves, 479 00:17:46,269 --> 00:17:48,103 and we took their place. 480 00:17:48,187 --> 00:17:50,230 And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 481 00:17:50,315 --> 00:17:54,109 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. 482 00:17:54,193 --> 00:17:55,944 So you're not my brother? 483 00:17:56,029 --> 00:17:57,654 I'm better than your brother. 484 00:17:57,739 --> 00:17:59,419 I'm a version of your brother you can trust 485 00:17:59,449 --> 00:18:01,366 when he says "don't run." 486 00:18:01,451 --> 00:18:03,994 Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. 487 00:18:04,078 --> 00:18:06,413 Everybody's gonna die. 488 00:18:06,497 --> 00:18:10,167 Come watch TV. 489 00:18:10,251 --> 00:18:12,502 Mrs. Sullivan always planned 490 00:18:12,587 --> 00:18:15,005 to leave everything to her cats. 491 00:18:15,089 --> 00:18:18,508 But sometimes, plans need a helping paw. 492 00:18:18,593 --> 00:18:20,510 [thunder rumbles] 493 00:18:20,595 --> 00:18:22,137 What are the kitties to do 494 00:18:22,221 --> 00:18:24,431 but buckle together and work as a team? 495 00:18:24,515 --> 00:18:27,392 Mrs. Sullivan, I... please, forgive me for being forward, 496 00:18:27,477 --> 00:18:28,935 but your eyes are so beautiful. 497 00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:30,520 [ cats meow] 498 00:18:30,605 --> 00:18:32,648 Wait. This is an actual movie? 499 00:18:32,732 --> 00:18:35,150 This fall, sparks will fly... 500 00:18:35,234 --> 00:18:36,985 [ moaning, cats meowing] 501 00:18:37,070 --> 00:18:39,571 Mrs. [moans] Sullivan. Ohh. 502 00:18:39,656 --> 00:18:41,698 Between one guy who can't get a break... 503 00:18:41,783 --> 00:18:44,034 There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan. 504 00:18:44,118 --> 00:18:46,912 And nine cats who break all the rules. 505 00:18:46,996 --> 00:18:48,121 [ cats meow] 506 00:18:48,206 --> 00:18:49,831 "Last Will and Testi-meow: 507 00:18:49,916 --> 00:18:52,417 Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House II." 508 00:18:52,502 --> 00:18:54,878 Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost their job. 509 00:18:54,962 --> 00:18:56,713 Written and directed by Jerry Smith. 510 00:18:56,798 --> 00:18:59,174 I wrote and directed that? What am I, nuts? 511 00:18:59,258 --> 00:19:01,134 Oh, hey, Morty. You just missed a preview 512 00:19:01,219 --> 00:19:02,761 for your Dad's "Citizen Kane." 513 00:19:02,845 --> 00:19:04,221 Doesn't matter. 514 00:19:04,305 --> 00:19:05,889 Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, 515 00:19:05,973 --> 00:19:07,516 who would you guys chose? 516 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:09,184 Doesn't matter. 517 00:19:09,268 --> 00:19:11,978 Breaking news... Academy Award-Winning actor Jerry Smith 518 00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:14,731 is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit 519 00:19:14,816 --> 00:19:16,775 after suffering an apparent breakdown. 520 00:19:16,859 --> 00:19:18,485 Don't even think about it. 521 00:19:18,569 --> 00:19:20,487 Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry? 522 00:19:20,571 --> 00:19:22,406 It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap. 523 00:19:22,490 --> 00:19:26,118 It's my life, and we're watching it. 524 00:19:26,202 --> 00:19:29,746 You did it, Beth. You really nailed it. 525 00:19:29,831 --> 00:19:34,167 [burps] You're a surgeon... a human surgeon. 526 00:19:34,252 --> 00:19:37,087 Yay, you win. [ slurps ] 527 00:19:37,171 --> 00:19:38,755 Where the hell am I going? 528 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,924 Wh... What are you asking me for, Jerry? 529 00:19:41,008 --> 00:19:43,093 [burps] I'm sitting here [burps] trying to figure out 530 00:19:43,177 --> 00:19:44,761 why the cops don't just take you out. 531 00:19:44,846 --> 00:19:46,930 I mean [burps] they got a clear shot to your head. 532 00:19:47,014 --> 00:19:49,391 I can't believe our tax dollars pay for this. 533 00:19:50,893 --> 00:19:52,978 [ doorbell rings ] 534 00:19:57,608 --> 00:19:58,942 Jerry? 535 00:19:59,026 --> 00:20:01,278 Jerry Smith? 536 00:20:01,362 --> 00:20:03,947 Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school. 537 00:20:04,031 --> 00:20:05,907 I hate acting. I hate cocaine. 538 00:20:05,992 --> 00:20:07,492 I hate Kristen Stewart. 539 00:20:07,577 --> 00:20:09,244 I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, 540 00:20:09,328 --> 00:20:13,749 and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been. 541 00:20:13,833 --> 00:20:18,378 ♪ Give me a name ♪ 542 00:20:18,463 --> 00:20:24,134 ♪ Hear my faith ♪ 543 00:20:24,218 --> 00:20:29,222 ♪ Seal my fate ♪ 544 00:20:30,933 --> 00:20:36,646 ♪ And when you breathe ♪ 545 00:20:36,731 --> 00:20:39,149 ♪ You breathe for two ♪ 546 00:20:39,233 --> 00:20:40,913 Hey, "Ball Fondlers"? Huh, "Ball Fondlers"? 547 00:20:40,943 --> 00:20:42,583 Yeah, I could go for some "Ball Fondlers." 548 00:20:42,653 --> 00:20:44,112 Yeah, "Ball Fondlers." 549 00:20:44,197 --> 00:20:45,614 [ metal music plays] 550 00:20:45,698 --> 00:20:47,657 Aah! 551 00:21:19,899 --> 00:21:21,733 Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, 552 00:21:21,818 --> 00:21:23,443 and now it's sports time coming up. 553 00:21:23,528 --> 00:21:25,320 - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. 554 00:21:25,404 --> 00:21:27,280 BETH: So, the hamsters live 555 00:21:27,365 --> 00:21:28,740 inside the rectums of those people? 556 00:21:28,825 --> 00:21:30,450 Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. 557 00:21:30,535 --> 00:21:31,868 Well, how does that work? 558 00:21:31,953 --> 00:21:33,870 I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? 559 00:21:33,955 --> 00:21:35,455 Yeah, and can they leave the butt 560 00:21:35,540 --> 00:21:37,165 and, like, walk around on their own? 561 00:21:37,250 --> 00:21:39,876 I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. 562 00:21:39,961 --> 00:21:41,753 Grandpa Rick, if they leave the butt 563 00:21:41,838 --> 00:21:43,380 and the person wanders off, 564 00:21:43,464 --> 00:21:45,048 how would they find their butt person again? 565 00:21:45,132 --> 00:21:47,050 I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV. 566 00:21:47,134 --> 00:21:48,510 All right, that's it. 567 00:21:48,594 --> 00:21:49,970 We're just gonna go there so you idiots 568 00:21:50,054 --> 00:21:51,763 can ask your stupid questions all day. 569 00:21:51,848 --> 00:21:54,015 Ooh, family vacation! 570 00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:56,059 [ camera shutter clicks ] 571 00:22:08,447 --> 00:22:09,823 Did you get any of that? 572 00:22:09,907 --> 00:22:11,867 It's a good-a show!