1 00:00:01,945 --> 00:00:04,494 The trick to cereal is keeping 70% above the milk. 2 00:00:04,573 --> 00:00:07,247 Jerry, get a job. 3 00:00:07,326 --> 00:00:08,873 Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry? 4 00:00:08,952 --> 00:00:11,546 You're the man of the house, and you don't have a job. 5 00:00:13,415 --> 00:00:14,792 Delivery for Rick. 6 00:00:15,042 --> 00:00:16,464 Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. 7 00:00:16,543 --> 00:00:19,171 - Gross. What is that thing? - It's a courier flap. 8 00:00:19,254 --> 00:00:20,597 It's like the intergalactic version of UPS, 9 00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:22,174 but less off-putting. 10 00:00:22,257 --> 00:00:23,474 Oh, shiiit! 11 00:00:23,550 --> 00:00:25,427 It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson. 12 00:00:25,510 --> 00:00:27,604 Must be time for his annual Oscar party. 13 00:00:27,679 --> 00:00:29,306 And, by the way, our TV signals take light years 14 00:00:29,389 --> 00:00:30,561 to reach his planet. 15 00:00:30,641 --> 00:00:32,484 Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins. 16 00:00:32,559 --> 00:00:34,482 Greetings. This is Birdperson. 17 00:00:34,561 --> 00:00:35,733 And Tammy! 18 00:00:35,812 --> 00:00:37,610 Inviting you to planet Squanch for 19 00:00:37,689 --> 00:00:39,441 our mate-melding ceremony -- - Blugh! 20 00:00:39,524 --> 00:00:40,821 If you're from Earth, 21 00:00:41,068 --> 00:00:42,320 that means we're getting married! 22 00:00:42,402 --> 00:00:44,780 Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! 23 00:00:45,030 --> 00:00:46,498 What the hell is a Birdperson? 24 00:00:46,573 --> 00:00:47,790 He's Rick's best friend. 25 00:00:48,033 --> 00:00:49,455 Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Morty. 26 00:00:49,534 --> 00:00:51,377 Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? 27 00:00:51,453 --> 00:00:53,376 No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. 28 00:00:53,455 --> 00:00:55,378 If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, 29 00:00:55,457 --> 00:00:57,300 I'd hang out with Jerry all day. 30 00:00:57,376 --> 00:00:58,798 Affirmative! Returning to sender. 31 00:00:59,044 --> 00:01:00,136 No, hold on, stay, courier flaps. 32 00:01:00,212 --> 00:01:01,930 - Staying! - Dad, you have a friend... 33 00:01:02,005 --> 00:01:03,928 that's getting married. That's a big deal. 34 00:01:04,007 --> 00:01:05,805 It's a big deal he has a friend. 35 00:01:05,884 --> 00:01:08,387 What do you know about friendship, Jerry? 36 00:01:08,470 --> 00:01:10,063 Confirmed, shipping Jerry. 37 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:12,061 - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry! 38 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:13,232 - Dad! - Dad! 39 00:01:13,308 --> 00:01:15,310 Where is it taking him? 40 00:01:15,394 --> 00:01:17,271 I assume planet Squanch -- 41 00:01:17,354 --> 00:01:19,231 6,000 light years across the galaxy. 42 00:01:19,314 --> 00:01:20,816 Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! 43 00:01:20,899 --> 00:01:23,698 Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding. 44 00:01:28,110 --> 00:01:34,110 Ripped By mstoll 45 00:02:04,484 --> 00:02:06,077 Rick Sanchez! 46 00:02:06,153 --> 00:02:07,621 You psycho bag of squanch! 47 00:02:07,696 --> 00:02:09,118 Hey, what's up, Squanchy? 48 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:11,074 - Hey, Squanchy. - Morty, Summer! 49 00:02:11,158 --> 00:02:12,751 And you must be Beth. 50 00:02:12,826 --> 00:02:14,749 Mwah! Ensquanche! 51 00:02:14,828 --> 00:02:17,547 Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. 52 00:02:17,622 --> 00:02:18,999 Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, 53 00:02:19,082 --> 00:02:20,550 like the Smurf thing? 54 00:02:20,625 --> 00:02:23,595 Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. 55 00:02:23,670 --> 00:02:26,139 Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. 56 00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:27,511 Oh. Okay. 57 00:02:27,591 --> 00:02:30,060 I squanch my family. 58 00:02:30,135 --> 00:02:31,762 - Uh... - What? I do. 59 00:02:31,845 --> 00:02:34,473 I squanch my family. - Stop saying it. Gross. 60 00:02:34,556 --> 00:02:36,024 Come on in, guys. 61 00:02:36,099 --> 00:02:37,851 The guest are having cocksquanches. 62 00:02:44,107 --> 00:02:45,780 Where am I?! - You're at a wedding. 63 00:02:45,859 --> 00:02:47,532 Go change. 64 00:03:02,959 --> 00:03:04,506 Oh, you made it! 65 00:03:04,586 --> 00:03:06,463 I wouldn't miss it for the world! 66 00:03:06,546 --> 00:03:08,640 Oh, my god. I love your ring. 67 00:03:08,715 --> 00:03:11,594 Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. 68 00:03:11,676 --> 00:03:13,349 She fought a squirrel for it. 69 00:03:13,428 --> 00:03:14,645 Birdperson. 70 00:03:14,721 --> 00:03:16,644 Rick, I am pleased you and your family 71 00:03:16,723 --> 00:03:18,521 could witness my melding with Tammy. 72 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,193 Our pleasure. 73 00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,645 Yeah, I just hope you got a pre-meld. 74 00:03:21,728 --> 00:03:23,480 - Rick! - What?! It's just a practical 75 00:03:23,563 --> 00:03:25,361 way of making sure that when she's done with you, 76 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,192 you can get one of your balls back. 77 00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:29,198 - Jesus, Dad. - He's grumpy from the flight. 78 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,200 Ohh, I-I was happy on the flight. 79 00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:33,122 I'm grumpy from the landing. 80 00:03:33,198 --> 00:03:35,667 Well, I looked at the guest book. 81 00:03:35,742 --> 00:03:37,915 We don't know a damn person here. 82 00:03:37,994 --> 00:03:40,088 Hi! Jerry Smith -- Father of the bride's friend. 83 00:03:40,163 --> 00:03:42,382 Advertising is my usual game, but I'm between -- 84 00:03:42,457 --> 00:03:44,209 Jerry, stop networking. We're in space. 85 00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:45,965 "Jerry, get a job! 86 00:03:46,044 --> 00:03:47,842 Jerry, don't look for a job at an alien wedding!" 87 00:03:47,921 --> 00:03:49,844 I don't get you. - This is the closest... 88 00:03:49,923 --> 00:03:51,675 I've ever gotten to this part of my father's life. 89 00:03:51,758 --> 00:03:53,556 I don't want to blow it. 90 00:03:53,635 --> 00:03:55,262 Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style. 91 00:03:55,345 --> 00:03:58,224 You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it. 92 00:03:58,306 --> 00:04:00,229 Look, here's some humans you can practice on. 93 00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,231 You must be Summer's mom and dad. 94 00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:03,983 We're Tammy's parents -- Pat and Donna Guterman. 95 00:04:04,229 --> 00:04:06,323 Hi. Beth. This is Jerry. 96 00:04:06,398 --> 00:04:09,117 So your teenage daughter's marrying a Birdman. 97 00:04:09,192 --> 00:04:10,785 Are you guys down with that? 98 00:04:10,861 --> 00:04:12,454 No pun intended. 99 00:04:12,529 --> 00:04:14,247 We're quite proud. 100 00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:16,495 He's a wonderful person and an incredible Bird. 101 00:04:16,575 --> 00:04:18,373 Still, what is he, 40? 102 00:04:18,451 --> 00:04:19,623 It's just, you know, 103 00:04:19,703 --> 00:04:21,797 when he was 30, she was an actual child. 104 00:04:21,872 --> 00:04:23,624 When he was her age, she wasn't born. 105 00:04:23,707 --> 00:04:25,675 When he was, let's see, like, 18, 106 00:04:25,750 --> 00:04:28,720 she was literally in there in your womb. 107 00:04:28,795 --> 00:04:30,422 Imagine being pregnant with your daughter 108 00:04:30,505 --> 00:04:32,223 and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, 109 00:04:32,299 --> 00:04:34,222 "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that.“ 110 00:04:34,301 --> 00:04:35,894 Give us one second. 111 00:04:35,969 --> 00:04:37,892 Were you born with your feet in your mouth? 112 00:04:37,971 --> 00:04:40,724 I was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. 113 00:04:40,807 --> 00:04:43,230 So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 114 00:04:43,310 --> 00:04:45,733 'cause you need to cut me some slack... s. 115 00:04:45,812 --> 00:04:47,234 I want you to stand in the corner 116 00:04:47,314 --> 00:04:48,782 and face the corner and talk to nobody. 117 00:04:48,857 --> 00:04:52,157 Maybe... I... will. 118 00:04:52,235 --> 00:04:54,158 You know, you're not being very supportive 119 00:04:54,237 --> 00:04:55,864 of Birdperson on his big day. 120 00:04:55,947 --> 00:04:58,166 Birdperson's big day, Morty, 121 00:04:58,241 --> 00:05:01,586 was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon 122 00:05:01,661 --> 00:05:03,459 against the Gromflamites! 123 00:05:03,538 --> 00:05:05,791 This? This is a losing battle. 124 00:05:05,874 --> 00:05:07,797 Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. 125 00:05:07,876 --> 00:05:09,344 He's getting married! 126 00:05:09,419 --> 00:05:10,762 I mean, what do you think's gonna happen 127 00:05:10,837 --> 00:05:12,464 if you open yourself up a little bit? 128 00:05:12,547 --> 00:05:13,924 I mean, look around. 129 00:05:14,007 --> 00:05:16,806 This is your family and friends all around you, you know? 130 00:05:16,885 --> 00:05:18,387 Take the day off. 131 00:05:18,470 --> 00:05:20,438 There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. 132 00:05:20,513 --> 00:05:22,436 That's his last name. 133 00:05:22,515 --> 00:05:23,562 Are you hyphenating it? 134 00:05:23,642 --> 00:05:24,859 Squanch this, mo-Fo. 135 00:05:26,436 --> 00:05:28,404 Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender. 136 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,403 Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? 137 00:05:30,482 --> 00:05:33,486 It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about 138 00:05:33,568 --> 00:05:34,945 and a lot of vodka. 139 00:05:35,028 --> 00:05:36,746 Mm-Hmm. I have a lot of vodka. 140 00:05:36,821 --> 00:05:37,663 Then I'll take one of those. 141 00:05:37,739 --> 00:05:39,286 I don't need the rest. 142 00:05:39,366 --> 00:05:41,460 God, whatever, Rick. 143 00:05:41,534 --> 00:05:44,003 It sounds like you and my dad have a long history together. 144 00:05:44,079 --> 00:05:45,672 Wish I could say the same. 145 00:05:45,747 --> 00:05:47,670 The road your father and I walked together 146 00:05:47,749 --> 00:05:51,629 is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies. 147 00:05:51,711 --> 00:05:52,712 Must be nice. 148 00:05:52,796 --> 00:05:54,764 Um, I used to have to draw him 149 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:56,466 into family photos with a crayon. 150 00:05:56,549 --> 00:05:58,972 The war in which we fought is far from over. 151 00:05:59,052 --> 00:06:00,599 We live our lives in hiding. 152 00:06:00,679 --> 00:06:02,807 I guess I should be happy for you. 153 00:06:02,889 --> 00:06:05,438 I mean, great, you guys got to hang out. 154 00:06:05,517 --> 00:06:06,985 I hope you had a blast. 155 00:06:07,060 --> 00:06:09,563 The galactic government considers us terrorists. 156 00:06:09,646 --> 00:06:11,944 It's unwise of me to share these details, 157 00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:13,525 but I've become inebriated. 158 00:06:13,608 --> 00:06:14,860 I don't know if you can appreciate 159 00:06:14,943 --> 00:06:17,116 what it means to grow up without a father, but -- 160 00:06:17,362 --> 00:06:18,909 The guest list at this wedding 161 00:06:18,989 --> 00:06:21,742 includes 17 of the Federation's most wanted. 162 00:06:21,825 --> 00:06:23,748 We have committed numerous atrocities 163 00:06:23,827 --> 00:06:25,420 in the name of freedom. 164 00:06:25,495 --> 00:06:26,792 Annnd during that time, 165 00:06:26,871 --> 00:06:28,544 I don't suppose he ever mentioned his daughter. 166 00:06:28,623 --> 00:06:30,000 Are those baby quiches? 167 00:06:30,083 --> 00:06:31,460 Night crawler pate. 168 00:06:31,543 --> 00:06:33,511 I should prepare for the ceremony. 169 00:06:33,586 --> 00:06:35,554 Like talking to a brick wall. 170 00:06:37,048 --> 00:06:39,016 In the name of the squanch, the six rivers, 171 00:06:39,092 --> 00:06:41,015 the four squanches, and the nine balls, 172 00:06:41,094 --> 00:06:45,395 I unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! 173 00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:47,521 Tammy, you may squanch your vows now. 174 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,023 Birdperson... 175 00:06:50,103 --> 00:06:54,028 You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, 176 00:06:54,107 --> 00:06:55,780 and my lack of cats. 177 00:06:55,859 --> 00:06:58,282 I promise to be yours until your death. 178 00:06:58,361 --> 00:06:59,613 - Nice! - Aww! 179 00:06:59,696 --> 00:07:01,073 Birdperson. 180 00:07:01,156 --> 00:07:04,000 Tammy, I was approaching infertility when I met you, 181 00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,748 but there is still time. 182 00:07:05,827 --> 00:07:07,454 I am yours until my death. 183 00:07:07,537 --> 00:07:08,959 Aww! 184 00:07:09,039 --> 00:07:10,882 Aww. 185 00:07:10,957 --> 00:07:13,927 I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson! 186 00:07:27,432 --> 00:07:29,685 I am not staring at you. 187 00:07:29,768 --> 00:07:32,772 I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. 188 00:07:32,854 --> 00:07:34,572 This is a candid shot. 189 00:07:34,647 --> 00:07:36,695 I don't require a camera so -- 190 00:07:36,775 --> 00:07:38,527 Sorry. 191 00:07:38,610 --> 00:07:40,487 Hi. I am not staring at you... 192 00:07:46,451 --> 00:07:47,953 Uh, hi, everybody. 193 00:07:48,036 --> 00:07:49,709 I'm Rick. 194 00:07:49,788 --> 00:07:54,715 You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... 195 00:07:54,793 --> 00:07:56,466 Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe 196 00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:57,796 because I'm the smartest. 197 00:07:57,879 --> 00:07:59,597 And being nice is something stupid people do 198 00:07:59,672 --> 00:08:01,015 to hedge their bets. 199 00:08:01,091 --> 00:08:02,468 Now, I haven't been exactly subtle 200 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:03,893 about how little I trust marriage. 201 00:08:03,968 --> 00:08:05,265 I couldn't make it work, 202 00:08:05,512 --> 00:08:06,889 and I could turn a black hole into a sun, 203 00:08:06,971 --> 00:08:08,939 so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself 204 00:08:09,015 --> 00:08:10,813 what are the odds this is legit 205 00:08:10,892 --> 00:08:12,565 and not just some big lie we're all telling ourselves 206 00:08:12,644 --> 00:08:14,112 because we're afraid to die alone? 207 00:08:14,187 --> 00:08:16,940 Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. 208 00:08:17,023 --> 00:08:17,990 - Oh, boy. - Oh, Dad. 209 00:08:18,066 --> 00:08:19,113 Jesus. 210 00:08:19,192 --> 00:08:21,160 But -- But... here's the thing. 211 00:08:21,236 --> 00:08:23,113 Birdperson is my best friend, 212 00:08:23,196 --> 00:08:25,949 and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. 213 00:08:28,785 --> 00:08:32,506 To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- 214 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,833 Opening myself up to others. 215 00:08:34,916 --> 00:08:36,384 Hear, hear! Cheers! 216 00:08:36,459 --> 00:08:38,382 Cheers to that, motherfucker! 217 00:08:38,461 --> 00:08:41,135 Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful. 218 00:08:41,214 --> 00:08:44,514 Gosh, I look around this room, and I think, 219 00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,390 "Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior 220 00:08:46,469 --> 00:08:48,016 from the planet Earth, and you're marrying 221 00:08:48,096 --> 00:08:50,690 a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!" 222 00:08:51,766 --> 00:08:53,109 Yeah, Tammy! 223 00:08:53,184 --> 00:08:55,812 But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways, 224 00:08:55,895 --> 00:08:58,819 I'm not a high-School senior from the planet Earth. 225 00:08:58,898 --> 00:09:01,071 In a lot of ways, what I really am 226 00:09:01,151 --> 00:09:04,030 is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, 227 00:09:04,112 --> 00:09:06,160 and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, 228 00:09:06,239 --> 00:09:09,163 and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. 229 00:09:09,242 --> 00:09:10,994 Oh, shit. 230 00:09:11,077 --> 00:09:13,421 - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. 231 00:09:13,496 --> 00:09:15,169 Everyone here is under arrest 232 00:09:15,248 --> 00:09:16,966 for crimes against the Federation. 233 00:09:17,041 --> 00:09:18,042 L'chaim! 234 00:09:18,126 --> 00:09:21,346 - Tammy, what are you doing? - Sit your Bird ass down. 235 00:09:21,588 --> 00:09:23,431 Tammy? 236 00:09:25,258 --> 00:09:27,852 Birdperson!! No!! 237 00:09:31,973 --> 00:09:33,065 Holy -- 238 00:09:41,232 --> 00:09:43,234 Drop the portal gun. 239 00:09:43,318 --> 00:09:45,320 Slide it to the center of the room. 240 00:09:47,947 --> 00:09:50,245 Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. 241 00:09:50,325 --> 00:09:51,793 They'll want it at -- 242 00:10:14,349 --> 00:10:15,771 There's no time to squanch! 243 00:10:15,850 --> 00:10:17,693 Get your family out of here! 244 00:10:17,769 --> 00:10:19,646 I got this. 245 00:10:25,026 --> 00:10:27,245 How about a taste of my squanch?! 246 00:10:30,865 --> 00:10:32,538 Come on, this way! 247 00:10:32,617 --> 00:10:34,335 Squanch this! 248 00:10:42,585 --> 00:10:44,587 Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. 249 00:10:44,671 --> 00:10:46,514 That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! 250 00:10:46,589 --> 00:10:48,637 - Dad! - Hold on tight! 251 00:10:51,177 --> 00:10:52,599 Aaah!! 252 00:10:56,432 --> 00:10:58,184 Aaaah!! 253 00:11:00,395 --> 00:11:02,068 Goddamn it! Goddamn it!! 254 00:11:08,194 --> 00:11:10,162 What the hell happened back there?! 255 00:11:10,238 --> 00:11:12,957 This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. 256 00:11:15,076 --> 00:11:18,000 Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us 257 00:11:18,079 --> 00:11:20,127 about your relationship 258 00:11:20,206 --> 00:11:23,130 with this previously unknown galactic government? 259 00:11:23,209 --> 00:11:25,303 All the important points seem pretty clear, no? 260 00:11:25,378 --> 00:11:27,551 They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. 261 00:11:27,630 --> 00:11:29,553 Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. 262 00:11:29,632 --> 00:11:31,760 How could you be so dishonest with this family? 263 00:11:31,843 --> 00:11:33,971 Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting 264 00:11:34,053 --> 00:11:35,305 and loving like, oh, I don't know, 265 00:11:35,388 --> 00:11:38,141 my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, 266 00:11:38,224 --> 00:11:40,773 who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc? 267 00:11:40,852 --> 00:11:42,024 Hey, Tammy was cool! 268 00:11:42,103 --> 00:11:44,151 - And now we know why. - Because of you! 269 00:11:44,230 --> 00:11:46,073 Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, 270 00:11:46,149 --> 00:11:47,947 and fuck me for letting my guard down, 271 00:11:48,026 --> 00:11:49,573 which I will never do again. 272 00:11:49,652 --> 00:11:51,029 Geez, Rick! 273 00:11:51,112 --> 00:11:53,786 You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. 274 00:11:53,865 --> 00:11:56,334 I just did, Morty. Here's dessert. Fuck you. 275 00:11:56,409 --> 00:11:58,036 Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. 276 00:11:58,119 --> 00:11:59,871 Actually, the wedding was beautiful. 277 00:11:59,954 --> 00:12:01,126 The reception got out of hand. 278 00:12:01,205 --> 00:12:03,333 Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, 279 00:12:03,416 --> 00:12:05,214 and have a family meeting in the morning. 280 00:12:05,293 --> 00:12:07,341 Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. 281 00:12:07,420 --> 00:12:08,888 What?! 282 00:12:08,963 --> 00:12:10,260 Oh, these guys are looking for us now. 283 00:12:10,340 --> 00:12:11,717 Earth will be swarming with them. 284 00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:12,846 Us?! 285 00:12:12,925 --> 00:12:14,222 - Jerry -- - I want to go home! 286 00:12:14,302 --> 00:12:16,396 Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. 287 00:12:16,471 --> 00:12:18,314 But here's what's gonna happen. 288 00:12:18,389 --> 00:12:19,891 Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. 289 00:12:19,974 --> 00:12:21,772 They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent 290 00:12:21,851 --> 00:12:24,320 of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia 291 00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:26,147 and hook them up to an alien car battery 292 00:12:26,230 --> 00:12:27,732 until you tell them where I am -- 293 00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,442 Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, 294 00:12:29,525 --> 00:12:31,493 which I guarantee they won't believe. 295 00:12:31,736 --> 00:12:33,363 So who's homesick? By applause. 296 00:12:33,446 --> 00:12:35,790 Ladies? Anybody? 297 00:12:35,865 --> 00:12:38,618 What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? 298 00:12:38,701 --> 00:12:40,874 Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. 299 00:12:40,953 --> 00:12:42,330 Fuck Earth. 300 00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,256 You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? 301 00:12:44,332 --> 00:12:45,834 We'll find a new world. 302 00:12:45,917 --> 00:12:47,214 Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way 303 00:12:47,293 --> 00:12:49,216 are at least 90% similar to Earth? 304 00:12:49,295 --> 00:12:52,845 765 known planets. 305 00:12:52,924 --> 00:12:55,302 How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? 306 00:12:55,385 --> 00:12:57,638 Three. 307 00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,848 See? Our cup runneth over. 308 00:12:59,931 --> 00:13:01,148 Now, who wants to go shopping 309 00:13:01,224 --> 00:13:03,318 for a brand-new motherfucking world?! 310 00:13:03,393 --> 00:13:04,485 All right! 311 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,403 Look at this baby! 312 00:13:06,479 --> 00:13:08,197 Would you even know that wasn't Earth? 313 00:13:08,272 --> 00:13:10,115 Yes, because there's no Africa. 314 00:13:10,191 --> 00:13:12,193 Pssh. White people problems, Morty. 315 00:13:12,276 --> 00:13:14,404 Let's go down and check her out. 316 00:13:16,489 --> 00:13:18,207 Oh. I thought it was further away. 317 00:13:18,282 --> 00:13:20,785 I uh... I guess this one's a little small. 318 00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:22,245 All right, uh, maybe -- 319 00:13:22,328 --> 00:13:24,171 Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? 320 00:13:28,918 --> 00:13:30,386 Okay, this one's bigger. 321 00:13:33,214 --> 00:13:34,431 This looks nice. 322 00:13:34,507 --> 00:13:36,009 Mom, Dad, look! 323 00:13:36,092 --> 00:13:37,765 Strawberries on a cob! 324 00:13:39,095 --> 00:13:40,972 Whoa! Hey, check this out! 325 00:13:41,055 --> 00:13:42,728 Flowers on a cob! 326 00:13:42,807 --> 00:13:46,061 Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? 327 00:13:46,144 --> 00:13:47,361 That's pretty cool. 328 00:13:47,437 --> 00:13:49,940 Are those... mountains on a cob? 329 00:13:51,941 --> 00:13:54,444 Oh, my god. 330 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:00,583 Get in the ship, sweetie. - What? 331 00:14:00,825 --> 00:14:01,917 Get in the goddamn ship!! 332 00:14:01,993 --> 00:14:03,245 Everything's on a cob!! 333 00:14:03,327 --> 00:14:05,876 The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! 334 00:14:08,791 --> 00:14:11,169 All right, third time's the charm. 335 00:14:11,252 --> 00:14:12,253 See what we got here. 336 00:14:15,590 --> 00:14:17,092 Seems good. 337 00:14:17,175 --> 00:14:18,552 And nothing on the cob. 338 00:14:18,634 --> 00:14:20,386 Didn't know that was a necessity, but... 339 00:14:20,470 --> 00:14:22,564 No, it's nice. I think this might be it. 340 00:14:22,638 --> 00:14:24,390 Wow! 341 00:14:24,474 --> 00:14:26,226 The sun's rising. 342 00:14:26,309 --> 00:14:28,937 Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!! 343 00:14:31,272 --> 00:14:33,991 Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? 344 00:14:34,066 --> 00:14:36,319 Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 345 00:14:37,612 --> 00:14:39,740 42 hours. 346 00:14:39,822 --> 00:14:41,870 All right, well, those are the two choices, 347 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,792 'cause cob planet is off the table. 348 00:14:43,868 --> 00:14:44,994 Now let's take a vote. 349 00:14:45,077 --> 00:14:46,670 Well, it's official. 350 00:14:46,913 --> 00:14:48,790 The obscure planet known as Earth, 351 00:14:48,873 --> 00:14:51,626 formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist 352 00:14:51,876 --> 00:14:53,628 and fugitive Rick Sanchez, 353 00:14:53,878 --> 00:14:56,848 has just become the 6,048th planet 354 00:14:56,923 --> 00:14:58,516 to join the Galactic Federation. 355 00:14:58,591 --> 00:15:00,685 The plucky little ball of water and dirt, 356 00:15:00,927 --> 00:15:02,429 which is where it gets its name, 357 00:15:02,512 --> 00:15:06,187 is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives 358 00:15:06,265 --> 00:15:10,236 who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos. 359 00:15:10,311 --> 00:15:13,110 Spaghetti, kangaroos? I've gotta check this place out. 360 00:15:13,189 --> 00:15:15,942 Well, you can. 361 00:15:16,025 --> 00:15:18,198 Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details. 362 00:15:18,277 --> 00:15:20,371 Up next, teenagers are calling it 363 00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:24,371 And it's not what you think. 364 00:15:24,450 --> 00:15:25,793 What are you -- What did you do that for? 365 00:15:25,868 --> 00:15:27,165 Dramatic effect. 366 00:15:27,245 --> 00:15:29,794 Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? 367 00:15:29,872 --> 00:15:31,795 Yes, we discovered a species of tiny pig 368 00:15:31,874 --> 00:15:33,922 off the coast of New Australia 369 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,174 about 30 yards east. - Or 300 yards west. 370 00:15:36,254 --> 00:15:37,551 We'd offer you some, 371 00:15:37,630 --> 00:15:39,974 but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast. 372 00:15:40,049 --> 00:15:41,801 Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole 373 00:15:41,884 --> 00:15:43,636 and do a little bit of exploring. 374 00:15:43,719 --> 00:15:45,141 If you guys need me, just yell 375 00:15:45,221 --> 00:15:46,393 or throw something so hard 376 00:15:46,472 --> 00:15:48,099 that it goes around the world and hits me. 377 00:15:48,182 --> 00:15:49,684 Okay, now that he's gone, 378 00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:52,190 can we please talk about our situation? 379 00:15:52,270 --> 00:15:54,272 Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. 380 00:15:54,355 --> 00:15:55,698 You know, it's a small world. 381 00:15:55,940 --> 00:15:57,283 Please, he's in the South Pole! 382 00:15:57,358 --> 00:15:59,736 And we need to have a serious conversation. 383 00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:14,041 South Pole discovered, baby! 384 00:16:14,125 --> 00:16:15,877 Ohhhh! 385 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,837 Oh fuck! An ice cave? 386 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,137 Shit! 387 00:16:19,213 --> 00:16:21,841 Things just keep on getting better. 388 00:16:21,924 --> 00:16:24,222 Wow, it's the planet's core. 389 00:16:24,302 --> 00:16:25,849 I'm just saying, 390 00:16:25,928 --> 00:16:28,022 we keep acting like there's only two options, 391 00:16:28,097 --> 00:16:29,440 but there's not. 392 00:16:29,515 --> 00:16:31,313 So, yes, if we went back to Earth, 393 00:16:31,392 --> 00:16:33,895 as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us. 394 00:16:33,978 --> 00:16:36,106 But, and this is purely hypothetical, 395 00:16:36,188 --> 00:16:38,611 what if we turned your father in to the government? 396 00:16:38,691 --> 00:16:39,863 Jerry, so help me god, 397 00:16:39,942 --> 00:16:41,910 if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. 398 00:16:41,986 --> 00:16:43,533 There already is no more bacon! 399 00:16:43,613 --> 00:16:46,036 This world sucks! Our life sucks! 400 00:16:46,115 --> 00:16:47,867 Why are we doing this for someone 401 00:16:47,950 --> 00:16:51,420 that would never do anything for anyone but himself? 402 00:16:51,495 --> 00:16:53,168 That's not the point, Dad! 403 00:16:53,247 --> 00:16:56,171 We love Rick... f-for the most part. 404 00:16:56,250 --> 00:16:58,344 Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, 405 00:16:58,419 --> 00:17:00,467 Dad, you love them unconditionally. 406 00:17:00,546 --> 00:17:02,514 That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. 407 00:17:02,590 --> 00:17:04,217 Okay, so let me get this straight. 408 00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:05,472 For the rest of your lives, 409 00:17:05,551 --> 00:17:07,178 no matter how much it hurts you, 410 00:17:07,261 --> 00:17:09,389 no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, 411 00:17:09,472 --> 00:17:12,191 we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? 412 00:17:12,266 --> 00:17:14,064 - Yes. - Why?! 413 00:17:14,143 --> 00:17:16,737 Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!! 414 00:17:26,197 --> 00:17:28,245 Hey. Uh... 415 00:17:28,324 --> 00:17:30,668 I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, 416 00:17:30,743 --> 00:17:32,165 get some ice cream. 417 00:17:32,244 --> 00:17:33,837 You -- You want me to come with? 418 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,503 Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? 419 00:17:36,582 --> 00:17:38,676 I'll be okay. Bye, Morty. 420 00:17:38,751 --> 00:17:40,378 Rick? 421 00:17:40,461 --> 00:17:42,213 You're not leaving, right? 422 00:17:42,296 --> 00:17:44,139 Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. 423 00:17:44,215 --> 00:17:45,762 So, you're coming back? 424 00:17:45,841 --> 00:17:48,060 Morty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream 425 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,307 and then you don't come back, 426 00:17:49,387 --> 00:17:50,980 you haven't actually gotten ice cream, 427 00:17:51,055 --> 00:17:53,228 you've just gone where ice cream is. 428 00:17:53,307 --> 00:17:55,355 Rick, I can handle it if you go, 429 00:17:55,434 --> 00:17:57,277 but you'll break Mom's heart. 430 00:17:57,353 --> 00:17:58,980 And I won't forgive you for that. 431 00:17:59,063 --> 00:18:01,361 Where's the van, Morty? 432 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:04,284 It's over the horizon in the driveway. 433 00:18:24,505 --> 00:18:25,882 For English, press 2. 434 00:18:26,132 --> 00:18:27,725 Connecting to agent. 435 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,552 Ongoing investigations. 436 00:18:29,635 --> 00:18:32,730 Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. 437 00:18:32,805 --> 00:18:35,103 I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, 438 00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,434 the wanted criminal. 439 00:18:36,517 --> 00:18:37,734 Hold on! 440 00:18:37,810 --> 00:18:39,232 This is Special Agent Gribbles. 441 00:18:39,311 --> 00:18:40,654 You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? 442 00:18:40,730 --> 00:18:42,732 Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, 443 00:18:42,815 --> 00:18:44,738 and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. 444 00:18:44,817 --> 00:18:47,570 He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. 445 00:18:47,653 --> 00:18:49,405 And listen. - Yes? 446 00:18:49,488 --> 00:18:51,411 I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, 447 00:18:51,490 --> 00:18:55,336 so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life? 448 00:18:55,411 --> 00:18:58,005 We only want Sanchez, sir. Your family will be fine. 449 00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,582 Nice. Thank you. 450 00:18:59,665 --> 00:19:01,292 I'm Jerry Smith, 451 00:19:01,375 --> 00:19:04,254 and I love sucking big, sweaty boners 452 00:19:04,336 --> 00:19:08,557 and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. 453 00:19:08,632 --> 00:19:10,634 Uh... okay. 454 00:19:36,410 --> 00:19:40,756 - He's not coming back, is he? - No. 455 00:19:43,125 --> 00:19:46,129 Hey, look, cops. 456 00:20:02,728 --> 00:20:04,571 How long will you be visiting Earth? 457 00:20:04,647 --> 00:20:05,944 Oh, we live here. 458 00:20:06,023 --> 00:20:08,321 We were just off-planet for a wedding. 459 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:09,652 Go that way. 460 00:20:30,631 --> 00:20:32,679 I have processed that you are in in distress 461 00:20:32,758 --> 00:20:34,852 and have proscribed antidepressants. 462 00:20:34,927 --> 00:20:37,396 Compliments of the Galactic Federation. 463 00:20:37,471 --> 00:20:38,563 I feel better. 464 00:20:38,639 --> 00:20:40,312 Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits. 465 00:20:40,391 --> 00:20:42,109 Report to the Ministry of Employment 466 00:20:42,184 --> 00:20:44,437 and you will be assigned a function. 467 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,899 Honey! I got a job! 468 00:20:50,526 --> 00:20:53,996 Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. 469 00:21:14,967 --> 00:21:16,890 Hey, what are you in for? 470 00:21:16,969 --> 00:21:19,597 Everything. 471 00:21:55,466 --> 00:21:57,389 Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. 472 00:21:57,468 --> 00:21:59,061 On, boy, oh. my! 473 00:21:59,136 --> 00:22:01,480 That's a real crazy ending, huh? 474 00:22:01,555 --> 00:22:05,059 Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. 475 00:22:05,142 --> 00:22:06,940 As you can see, 476 00:22:07,019 --> 00:22:08,942 I'm still recovering from the bullet shot 477 00:22:09,021 --> 00:22:10,944 that I got from Beth. 478 00:22:11,023 --> 00:22:13,025 Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! 479 00:22:13,108 --> 00:22:15,076 Come and get it, kitty. 480 00:22:15,319 --> 00:22:17,788 You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. 481 00:22:18,864 --> 00:22:20,537 Ooh-whee. 482 00:22:20,616 --> 00:22:22,539 Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. 483 00:22:25,371 --> 00:22:27,373 I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. 484 00:22:27,456 --> 00:22:29,879 Hey, what did you think of that finale, huh? 485 00:22:29,959 --> 00:22:32,712 Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? 486 00:22:32,795 --> 00:22:34,217 Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bro. 487 00:22:34,296 --> 00:22:35,969 Your total is $12.37. 488 00:22:36,048 --> 00:22:37,971 Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out off jail? 489 00:22:38,050 --> 00:22:39,927 Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? 490 00:22:40,010 --> 00:22:41,557 Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! 491 00:22:43,764 --> 00:22:44,981 Ow! 492 00:22:45,057 --> 00:22:46,559 Tune in to "Rick and Morty" season three in, 493 00:22:46,642 --> 00:22:48,690 like, a year and a half... 494 00:22:48,769 --> 00:22:52,364 or longer to see how we unravel this mess. 495 00:22:52,439 --> 00:22:53,611 Ooh-Whee! 496 00:22:53,691 --> 00:22:55,113 Oh, my god! 497 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:56,611 Did you get any of that? 498 00:22:56,694 --> 00:22:58,662 It's-a good-a show! 499 00:23:01,110 --> 00:23:09,110 Ripped By mstoll