1
00:00:14,433 --> 00:00:16,393
Are we gonna put it back
when we're done with it?
2
00:00:16,477 --> 00:00:18,854
Why? The only thing of value on it
is the secret treasure map.
3
00:00:18,937 --> 00:00:20,939
The rest is just instructions for running a country.
4
00:00:21,023 --> 00:00:23,442
- I'm pretty sure they're online.
- It just feels a little wrong.
5
00:00:23,525 --> 00:00:25,360
Morty, are you gonna be a fucking America nerd
6
00:00:25,444 --> 00:00:28,280
or are you gonna be cool
and steal the Constitution with Grandpa?
7
00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:34,745
- Here, hold this while I crack the hermetic seal.
- Why not just use this again?
8
00:00:35,787 --> 00:00:36,997
[bell clangs]
9
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,629
Morty! You just destroyed the map
10
00:00:43,712 --> 00:00:46,215
and activated the giant assassin
hidden in the Statue of Liberty!
11
00:00:46,298 --> 00:00:48,550
- I'm sorry! Wait, what?
- It was a Trojan horse, Morty.
12
00:00:48,634 --> 00:00:49,676
Never trust the French.
13
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:52,471
Fun's fun, but now the federal
government's gonna be pissed again.
14
00:00:52,554 --> 00:00:53,430
Way to go.
15
00:00:53,514 --> 00:00:56,433
And on America's birthday
or whatever the fuck Thanksgiving is.
16
00:00:57,351 --> 00:00:58,477
[theme music playing]
17
00:01:27,256 --> 00:01:29,091
[helicopter blades whirring]
18
00:01:30,384 --> 00:01:34,012
Rick and Morty, you are under arrest
and surrounded by an anti- portal shimmer!
19
00:01:34,096 --> 00:01:35,556
Come out with your hands up!
20
00:01:35,639 --> 00:01:37,641
Well, happy Thanksgiving to me!
21
00:01:37,724 --> 00:01:40,227
Can't wait to see what a shimmer
does to my prostate.
22
00:01:40,310 --> 00:01:42,271
Dad, can you please just end
whatever this is?
23
00:01:42,354 --> 00:01:45,482
I understand you're upset, Mr. President.
It's honestly all Morty's fault.
24
00:01:45,566 --> 00:01:47,609
But in the meantime,
you really want to keep your army
25
00:01:47,693 --> 00:01:49,778
of pointlessly camouflaged eagle scouts
off my lawn.
26
00:01:49,861 --> 00:01:52,948
Don't tell me what I want,
you anti- American piece of shit! You terrorist!
27
00:01:53,031 --> 00:01:56,076
You know, you use that word so much
it's lost all meaning, Mr. P.
28
00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:59,288
It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist?
It's a guy you don't like. Big deal.
29
00:01:59,371 --> 00:02:01,498
- Oorah!
- [gunfire]
30
00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:04,793
[screaming]
31
00:02:04,876 --> 00:02:06,420
[Rick] Told you to stand down.
32
00:02:06,503 --> 00:02:08,547
You just lost two soldiers over here. Good men.
33
00:02:08,630 --> 00:02:10,632
Might be time to look
at the terrorist in the mirror.
34
00:02:10,716 --> 00:02:13,802
You want a war? I'll put your outer- space ass
in a goddamn phantom zone
35
00:02:13,885 --> 00:02:15,679
with a bar of kryptonite soap
around your neck.
36
00:02:15,762 --> 00:02:18,932
- You're done, Sanchez! You hear me?
- Oh. He's really pissed this time.
37
00:02:19,016 --> 00:02:20,934
Why don't you guys just fuck
and get it over with?
38
00:02:21,018 --> 00:02:23,562
Well, thank you, Summer,
but I think I've got a better option.
39
00:02:23,645 --> 00:02:25,897
- Dad, no.
- Ugh, hands are tied, sweetie.
40
00:02:25,981 --> 00:02:28,233
I have to turn myself into a turkey
and trick the President
41
00:02:28,317 --> 00:02:30,068
into giving me
a presidential turkey pardon.
42
00:02:30,152 --> 00:02:31,903
Again? How many times have you done this?
43
00:02:31,987 --> 00:02:34,072
I don't know, Jerry,
how many years have I lived here?
44
00:02:34,156 --> 00:02:36,742
- Careful how you answer that.
- [Morty] Jeez. You've done this a lot.
45
00:02:36,825 --> 00:02:39,119
Don't you think the President
might see it coming this time?
46
00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:41,913
He probably will, Morty.
That's all part of the dance.
47
00:02:41,997 --> 00:02:45,417
In the past, I've inserted myself into
the potential turkey pardonee population
48
00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:48,337
by brainwashing the presidential
turkey wrangler prior to the ceremony.
49
00:02:48,420 --> 00:02:50,714
But this time,
the turkey wrangler's been euthanized,
50
00:02:50,797 --> 00:02:53,634
and the turkeys will be transported
by armored military vehicles.
51
00:02:53,717 --> 00:02:56,970
Vehicles manufactured
by ghost corporations that I control.
52
00:02:57,054 --> 00:02:58,388
Which we have audited.
53
00:02:58,472 --> 00:02:59,431
Allowing me access to--
54
00:02:59,514 --> 00:03:00,932
- Central computers.
- To track the--
55
00:03:01,016 --> 00:03:03,185
Real armored transports, which he can never--
56
00:03:03,268 --> 00:03:04,519
Totally track and sneak aboard.
57
00:03:04,603 --> 00:03:05,646
And even if he does,
58
00:03:05,729 --> 00:03:08,523
he'll be on a truck full of turkeys,
and fully armed marines.
59
00:03:08,607 --> 00:03:09,775
Who won't recognize me,
60
00:03:09,858 --> 00:03:12,069
because the human eye
is inherently face blind to turkeys.
61
00:03:12,152 --> 00:03:15,030
[President] Fortunately,
those marines won't have human eyes.
62
00:03:15,113 --> 00:03:17,074
They'll have turkey eyes.
63
00:03:17,157 --> 00:03:20,452
Jesus ever- loving Christ, why don't
you two just fuck and get it over with?
64
00:03:20,535 --> 00:03:21,370
Careful, Dwayne.
65
00:03:21,453 --> 00:03:24,206
You're only Vice President because I need
ten percent of the white vote.
66
00:03:24,289 --> 00:03:26,917
There's a giant French assassin
attacking New York,
67
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,585
and you're using the war room
68
00:03:28,669 --> 00:03:31,338
to measure dicks
with your alcoholic sci- fi boyfriend.
69
00:03:31,421 --> 00:03:34,966
Rick Sanchez is more dangerous
than some steam- powered French bitch
70
00:03:35,050 --> 00:03:37,010
and New York can handle
its own global emergencies.
71
00:03:37,094 --> 00:03:39,429
General! initiate Operation Deep Gobble.
72
00:03:39,513 --> 00:03:41,556
[country music playing]
73
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:42,599
[phone vibrates]
74
00:03:42,683 --> 00:03:45,977
- Coop, not on Thanksgiving.
- It's what I trained for, Mary Lou.
75
00:03:46,061 --> 00:03:47,688
- It ain't our fight.
- Baby.
76
00:03:47,771 --> 00:03:50,399
That little race car driver
you got baking in your belly,
77
00:03:50,482 --> 00:03:52,359
what world you want him rearing up in?
78
00:03:52,442 --> 00:03:55,445
One where some spiky haired
Doctor Who in a lab coat
79
00:03:55,529 --> 00:03:56,988
can change the color of the sky?
80
00:03:57,072 --> 00:04:00,826
Or a world where he can fill his pickup
with hot dogs and drive it to a jukebox
81
00:04:00,909 --> 00:04:03,036
full of our demographic's
current favorite music?
82
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:05,997
- Obviously the latter, but--
- Well, that world, Mary Lou,
83
00:04:06,081 --> 00:04:10,210
the one with those meals, vehicles and songs
people in this 30- mile area prefer,
84
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:13,588
that world needs a few good men,
in a secret Pentagon lab
85
00:04:13,672 --> 00:04:15,382
turning into turkeys.
86
00:04:15,465 --> 00:04:17,342
You come back without feathers, Coop.
87
00:04:17,426 --> 00:04:18,969
[both moaning]
88
00:04:19,636 --> 00:04:20,804
God, I love this country.
89
00:04:23,348 --> 00:04:24,433
Oorah!
90
00:04:24,516 --> 00:04:26,893
♪ Got a pregnant girl
And a pick- up truck ♪
91
00:04:26,977 --> 00:04:29,354
♪ Got one by choice
And the other by luck ♪
92
00:04:29,438 --> 00:04:33,817
♪ Now it's time to turn into a turkey ♪
93
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:35,736
♪ I hope there can be peace one day ♪
94
00:04:35,819 --> 00:04:39,030
♪ Till then, I pray my DNA
Gets backed up ♪
95
00:04:39,114 --> 00:04:43,702
[man] These pills contain tracking chips
that identify each of you as individuals.
96
00:04:43,785 --> 00:04:45,996
That will be important later.
97
00:04:47,247 --> 00:04:48,999
[screaming]
98
00:04:49,082 --> 00:04:51,752
♪ Gobble, gobble! ♪
99
00:04:51,835 --> 00:04:55,380
♪ When I turn into a turkey ♪
100
00:04:55,464 --> 00:04:56,298
[guns cocking]
101
00:05:01,970 --> 00:05:03,555
All right, boys, search every bird.
102
00:05:03,638 --> 00:05:06,141
If Sanchez is here, I wanna hear you gobbling.
103
00:05:06,224 --> 00:05:07,809
- Let me look at you, scum!
- [gobbles]
104
00:05:07,893 --> 00:05:09,144
Get outta here, you wobbleneck!
105
00:05:09,227 --> 00:05:11,897
Sarge, this-- This ain't like the simulation, man.
106
00:05:11,980 --> 00:05:13,732
- I don't like it.
- Keep it together, Martinez!
107
00:05:13,815 --> 00:05:15,275
Eyes are on the ground, sir.
108
00:05:15,358 --> 00:05:17,444
- No sign of Einstein.
- Stay frosty, gentleman.
109
00:05:17,527 --> 00:05:20,530
I want this pardoning pipeline airtight.
110
00:05:20,614 --> 00:05:23,700
Sir, we have hacked the garage door. We are in.
111
00:05:23,784 --> 00:05:25,994
- Eyes on the bogey.
- Or you've got eyes on a robot.
112
00:05:26,077 --> 00:05:28,622
All due respect, sir, I know flesh when I see it.
113
00:05:28,705 --> 00:05:31,208
[Rick] Those flesh- covered [burps] robots
should buy us some time.
114
00:05:31,291 --> 00:05:33,668
The pardonable turkeys should be on that truck.
115
00:05:33,752 --> 00:05:35,295
Ship, go stealth.
116
00:05:35,837 --> 00:05:36,922
[loud clunk]
117
00:05:37,005 --> 00:05:40,550
- Rodriguez, Fincher! Get eyes on that.
- [Rick] Huh. Turkey marines.
118
00:05:40,634 --> 00:05:41,968
The President came to play.
119
00:05:42,052 --> 00:05:44,012
- Jam those two radios.
- [car] Confirmed.
120
00:05:44,095 --> 00:05:45,680
- [high- pitched sound]
- Jeez!
121
00:05:46,723 --> 00:05:49,059
[grunts] Ha!
122
00:05:49,142 --> 00:05:50,477
[turkey gobbles]
123
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:54,272
- [grunts]
- [turkey gobbles]
124
00:05:55,649 --> 00:05:59,027
- Fincher, Rodriguez, come in!
- [Rick] Copy, copy, Tango, all good.
125
00:05:59,110 --> 00:06:01,279
Just a couple of branches on the roof.
126
00:06:01,363 --> 00:06:03,615
Don't ever turn your radio off again!
127
00:06:03,698 --> 00:06:05,242
- We will not surrender!
- Never surrender!
128
00:06:05,325 --> 00:06:06,827
- We will not surrender!
- [man] Oh, yeah?
129
00:06:06,910 --> 00:06:08,370
Bring in the David Blaine box.
130
00:06:10,872 --> 00:06:12,541
Damn, is that a David Blaine box?
131
00:06:12,624 --> 00:06:14,835
I told you. We should have just gone
to my parents' house.
132
00:06:14,918 --> 00:06:17,087
- No, you didn't.
- Well, I didn't say it out loud,
133
00:06:17,170 --> 00:06:20,090
but it should be well known by now
that I'd always rather be there.
134
00:06:20,173 --> 00:06:21,383
- Oh, God! Oh, no!
- Jeez, Rick!
135
00:06:21,466 --> 00:06:23,552
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty inside the box.
136
00:06:23,635 --> 00:06:25,178
- Then that confirms it.
- Sir?
137
00:06:25,262 --> 00:06:27,764
No David Blaine box can hold Rick Sanchez.
138
00:06:27,848 --> 00:06:29,057
Scan the turkey truck.
139
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:32,561
Huh. That's weird. ID chips for Fincher
and Rodriguez are glitching.
140
00:06:32,644 --> 00:06:35,480
Sanchez. I'll deal with this bastard myself.
141
00:06:35,564 --> 00:06:38,149
Sir, don't be a cowboy.
You can't get re- elected dead.
142
00:06:38,233 --> 00:06:39,609
System is calibrated, sir.
143
00:06:39,693 --> 00:06:41,820
That pill contains
a tracking chip that will identify--
144
00:06:41,903 --> 00:06:43,572
I know, it'll be important later.
145
00:06:43,655 --> 00:06:44,990
[gulps] Do it!
146
00:06:45,615 --> 00:06:47,367
[screaming]
147
00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:48,451
[gobbling]
148
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,454
Moments from now,
the President will be pardoning a turkey.
149
00:06:51,538 --> 00:06:54,541
- [turkeys gobbling]
- ["Hail to the Chief" playing]
150
00:06:54,624 --> 00:06:55,876
Homestretch, Morty.
151
00:06:55,959 --> 00:06:59,754
Here comes dipshit right on schedule.
Nothing can go wrong now.
152
00:07:00,505 --> 00:07:01,965
- [Morty] Jesus. Is that--?
- Oh, shit.
153
00:07:02,048 --> 00:07:04,092
The president has the upper hand.
Grandpa fucked up.
154
00:07:04,175 --> 00:07:05,719
- Sunglasses on! Act like a turkey!
- What?
155
00:07:05,802 --> 00:07:07,262
- Are you scared?
- Act like a turkey!
156
00:07:10,432 --> 00:07:12,183
That's Rodriguez and Fincher, sir.
157
00:07:12,267 --> 00:07:14,853
[President] It's Rick and Morty,
you useless fucking stump humper!
158
00:07:14,936 --> 00:07:17,689
Sorry, don't tell ten percent
of your friends I called you that.
159
00:07:17,772 --> 00:07:20,233
- Mr. President.
- Sanchez, admit it, you lose.
160
00:07:20,317 --> 00:07:22,152
Say it and I'll let your loser ass go.
161
00:07:22,235 --> 00:07:23,403
[exhales]
162
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:25,572
Did you try to spit in my face
with no saliva gland?
163
00:07:25,655 --> 00:07:27,824
- Just pardon me, dick!
- Why the hell would I?
164
00:07:27,908 --> 00:07:30,201
Because if I move to Canada,
they'll be the best country.
165
00:07:30,285 --> 00:07:31,995
I'll peck your goddamn eyes out!
166
00:07:32,078 --> 00:07:33,163
- Ow!
- Hey!
167
00:07:33,830 --> 00:07:34,748
Shit! My plume!
168
00:07:35,665 --> 00:07:37,709
- [Morty] Back off!
- [grunts]
169
00:07:37,792 --> 00:07:40,045
- Blueberries! We got blueberries down!
- [gobbling]
170
00:07:40,128 --> 00:07:41,963
Hold your positions. It's a feeding frenzy!
171
00:07:42,047 --> 00:07:48,011
I can't see. I mean, I can see.
270 degrees. It's too many degrees!
172
00:07:48,637 --> 00:07:50,722
Sir, we are losing the mental game down here.
173
00:07:50,805 --> 00:07:53,683
[General] Keep it together, soldier!
POTUS is still in that pen!
174
00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:55,018
[Rick grunts]
175
00:07:55,936 --> 00:07:57,145
[gasps]
176
00:07:59,606 --> 00:08:00,774
[gulps]
177
00:08:00,857 --> 00:08:04,486
We just lost New York to France!
Pull out the president right now!
178
00:08:04,569 --> 00:08:06,696
Gobble Tango, I want POTUS out of that pen!
179
00:08:06,780 --> 00:08:09,074
That is an order! Locate the President's chip!
180
00:08:09,157 --> 00:08:11,701
Roger- Roger. There he is, I got him.
181
00:08:11,785 --> 00:08:13,954
Let's go, boys! Let's fly out the Eagle!
182
00:08:14,037 --> 00:08:14,996
[gobbling]
183
00:08:16,164 --> 00:08:19,292
- Hey, that's not me.
- Package is secure. Pull us out.
184
00:08:20,877 --> 00:08:22,587
[computer] Reinjecting subject DNA.
185
00:08:25,215 --> 00:08:26,967
[gobbling]
186
00:08:31,930 --> 00:08:36,059
Hopping Jehovah, you look like
five pounds of shit in a whore's lunchbox.
187
00:08:36,142 --> 00:08:37,519
You all right, Mr. President?
188
00:08:37,602 --> 00:08:40,897
Yes. I am the president.
189
00:08:40,981 --> 00:08:43,149
Clean his ass up
and get him to the war room.
190
00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:46,486
[President] Hey! Gobble Squad!
You got the wrong guy, you morons!
191
00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:48,738
- [gobbling]
- Look at this dumb piece of shit.
192
00:08:48,822 --> 00:08:50,532
Gobbling away. Get back in there!
193
00:08:51,574 --> 00:08:53,326
All right, boys, you heard the VP.
194
00:08:53,410 --> 00:08:55,996
Pardon is tits up. Pack up and ship out!
195
00:08:58,790 --> 00:09:01,960
As for you, Sanchez, bon appétit.
196
00:09:02,711 --> 00:09:04,045
[gobbling]
197
00:09:05,171 --> 00:09:07,007
Where is this elevator going?
198
00:09:07,090 --> 00:09:10,677
Where all the unchosen turkeys go.
The feeding chamber.
199
00:09:13,013 --> 00:09:14,305
[eerie noise]
200
00:09:14,389 --> 00:09:18,184
- What the fuck is that?
- [President] Not what. Who.
201
00:09:18,268 --> 00:09:21,229
The only thing to fear is me!
202
00:09:21,312 --> 00:09:24,357
How the fuck does the White House
have a cloned spider of FDR?
203
00:09:24,441 --> 00:09:27,360
It's no clone, it's FDR.
He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine.
204
00:09:27,444 --> 00:09:31,781
- We asked ourselves what walks the most?
- We? You're taking credit for this?
205
00:09:31,865 --> 00:09:34,951
- The office comes with baggage, Morty.
- [Rick and Morty yell]
206
00:09:35,035 --> 00:09:37,162
- Rick, I'm afraid to die!
- It won't have to be for long.
207
00:09:37,245 --> 00:09:38,997
We're due to return to human form any second.
208
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,000
- Then what?
- Then we just have to not get eaten by the spider!
209
00:09:42,083 --> 00:09:44,753
- So in other words, be afraid to die?
- Morty, if winning an argument
210
00:09:44,836 --> 00:09:49,174
- is that important to you, you were never alive.
- Time for a New Deal: Murder!
211
00:09:49,257 --> 00:09:52,177
[President]
I'm sick of hearing how iconic you were!
212
00:09:52,719 --> 00:09:54,429
Try having an historical administration
213
00:09:54,512 --> 00:09:57,140
after Facebook goes online, you old- timey bitch!
214
00:09:57,223 --> 00:09:58,308
[grunts]
215
00:09:58,391 --> 00:10:00,101
Morty, tear open that panel!
216
00:10:00,935 --> 00:10:03,021
How's this for a fireside chat?
217
00:10:03,104 --> 00:10:06,066
[screaming]
218
00:10:06,149 --> 00:10:08,860
- Oof. You just killed FDR.
- He was a monster, though.
219
00:10:08,943 --> 00:10:11,112
Don't mythologize him, he was a politician.
220
00:10:11,196 --> 00:10:14,324
Speaking of, you kinda saved
our bacon there, so I'll make you a deal.
221
00:10:14,407 --> 00:10:16,076
You pardon us and I'll make you human.
222
00:10:16,159 --> 00:10:19,370
- Wrong turkey.
- Man, the face blindness is real.
223
00:10:20,997 --> 00:10:24,793
I'd like these men
turned back into humans, please.
224
00:10:24,876 --> 00:10:26,377
Yes, of course, Mr. President.
225
00:10:26,461 --> 00:10:30,006
But I thought we already rehumanized
all the turkified marines.
226
00:10:30,090 --> 00:10:34,219
I'd like these men turned back
into humans. I am the president.
227
00:10:34,302 --> 00:10:35,887
Yes, sir. Sure thing.
228
00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:39,766
Increase their strength
by one thousand percent.
229
00:10:39,849 --> 00:10:42,060
But that wouldn't be human.
230
00:10:42,143 --> 00:10:45,814
Turkeys have always been more than human.
231
00:10:45,897 --> 00:10:50,151
Okay. Uh, so right there,
now I'm starting to-- [grunts]
232
00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:54,906
I am selling New York to France.
233
00:10:54,989 --> 00:10:58,576
- [gasping]
- And giving all of the money to Congress.
234
00:10:58,660 --> 00:11:00,453
- [cheering]
- [man] A- ha! All right, yeah!
235
00:11:00,537 --> 00:11:03,456
- Now that's how you do it.
- He became president today.
236
00:11:04,165 --> 00:11:05,708
- [gasping]
- [murmuring]
237
00:11:05,792 --> 00:11:08,586
That's right, murmur!
And when you're done, get me some pants.
238
00:11:08,670 --> 00:11:10,296
If you're the president,
239
00:11:10,380 --> 00:11:13,716
who the hell have we been governing
the country with for the last three hours?
240
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:17,470
An impostor, you good- for- nothing idiot!
You humanized the wrong turkey!
241
00:11:17,554 --> 00:11:20,890
It's possible. We shouldn't leave
anything to chance.
242
00:11:20,974 --> 00:11:24,894
Wouldn't want Congress
working with the wrong president.
243
00:11:24,978 --> 00:11:27,647
A very good point, Mr. President.
244
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:30,275
Do we believe this fine feathered
collaborative gentleman
245
00:11:30,358 --> 00:11:31,818
to be our commander- in- chief?
246
00:11:31,901 --> 00:11:36,322
Or are we gonna let Mr. Cash Bar
at the Christmas Party stay in office?
247
00:11:36,406 --> 00:11:38,449
All in favor of Turkey President?
248
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,744
You can't be serious.
You think he cares about America?
249
00:11:41,828 --> 00:11:46,166
Is that why this is happening to you?
Because you cared about America?
250
00:11:47,542 --> 00:11:51,296
Guards, these men are-- What is the word?
251
00:11:51,379 --> 00:11:52,505
Terrorists.
252
00:11:52,589 --> 00:11:55,175
Okay, screw this. Go, go, Sanchez laser fists!
253
00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:57,844
Oh, shit. I was a turkey for a while, wasn't I?
254
00:11:57,927 --> 00:12:00,138
[chokes] Okay, guy's pretty strong.
255
00:12:00,221 --> 00:12:01,806
Mary Todd Lincoln!
256
00:12:05,185 --> 00:12:06,394
Who's dead weight now, bitch?
257
00:12:12,817 --> 00:12:15,111
[Rick] You should regain feeling
in your ass in a minute.
258
00:12:15,195 --> 00:12:18,781
- Sorry my turrets blew up your motorcycle.
- Just give me some goddamn clothes.
259
00:12:18,865 --> 00:12:20,992
Must suck to have your only
safe haven be my house.
260
00:12:21,075 --> 00:12:23,870
You want your regular outfit
or should we dress you like a terrorist?
261
00:12:23,953 --> 00:12:25,622
I don't need to be here. I'm the president.
262
00:12:25,705 --> 00:12:27,916
Glad to hear it.
That means you can give me that pardon.
263
00:12:27,999 --> 00:12:29,500
Or I could put you out with the trash.
264
00:12:29,584 --> 00:12:31,544
What is your problem?
Why do you hate this country?
265
00:12:31,628 --> 00:12:33,630
I hate every country in the universe, brother.
266
00:12:33,713 --> 00:12:36,216
They're job placement programs
for politicians that invent them.
267
00:12:36,299 --> 00:12:37,550
Okay, Fight Club.
268
00:12:37,634 --> 00:12:40,428
I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on.
269
00:12:40,511 --> 00:12:43,264
- You get paid to make sports metaphors!
- I clean your litterbox
270
00:12:43,348 --> 00:12:46,976
so your little nerd paws don't have
to touch another nerd's nerdy poopies
271
00:12:47,060 --> 00:12:49,812
while you're flexing your grody
little edge lord anus all over it!
272
00:12:49,896 --> 00:12:51,814
Guys, maybe you're both right
and both wrong.
273
00:12:51,898 --> 00:12:52,774
[both] Shut up, Morty!
274
00:12:52,857 --> 00:12:55,318
You little bitch. You destroyed the Constitution.
275
00:12:55,401 --> 00:12:58,488
- You're the biggest booger eater here!
- Do not talk to my son that way.
276
00:12:59,530 --> 00:13:00,698
Sorry, Mrs. Smith.
277
00:13:00,782 --> 00:13:03,159
The two of you
are ruining Thanksgiving. Together.
278
00:13:03,243 --> 00:13:06,037
And you can both either come to the table
and eat food with my family,
279
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,957
or you can keep doing
what you're doing at the corner bar.
280
00:13:09,791 --> 00:13:11,834
Bars actually suck at Thanksgiving.
281
00:13:11,918 --> 00:13:14,254
[woman on TV]
I'm still trying to sort through this.
282
00:13:14,337 --> 00:13:17,215
One of you wishes you had
the personal quality known as courage,
283
00:13:17,298 --> 00:13:19,634
but the other two of you
want actual vital organs?
284
00:13:19,717 --> 00:13:23,304
This Charlie Kaufman reboot
of Wizard of Oz is destroying itself.
285
00:13:23,388 --> 00:13:27,350
That's why I need a brain!
I'm doing a terrible job writing this!
286
00:13:28,142 --> 00:13:29,477
Pass the potatoes.
287
00:13:30,812 --> 00:13:32,438
- Thank you.
- Mm- hm.
288
00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:36,359
- Good green beans, Mom.
- The turkey's raw, Dad. Shit's potato bunz.
289
00:13:36,442 --> 00:13:39,612
Sorry, Summer. The United States
enclosed us in a shimmer bubble
290
00:13:39,696 --> 00:13:41,155
that scrambled my oven timer.
291
00:13:41,239 --> 00:13:43,408
So, I guess elections do have consequences.
292
00:13:43,491 --> 00:13:46,035
Eat my ass, Jerry. I've seen your IRS records.
293
00:13:46,119 --> 00:13:48,288
You can blame me
once you have taxable income.
294
00:13:48,371 --> 00:13:51,124
[laughs]
Yes, Jerry is a piece of shit. I agree.
295
00:13:51,624 --> 00:13:53,793
Um, guys? What's that?
296
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:56,629
Paula, as you can see,
President Curtis has enacted a plan
297
00:13:56,713 --> 00:13:59,674
to turn all turkeys in America
into hybrid super soldiers.
298
00:13:59,757 --> 00:14:02,051
The move has 100 percent approval
from Congress
299
00:14:02,135 --> 00:14:03,970
following its third pay raise in six hours.
300
00:14:04,053 --> 00:14:04,929
Back to you.
301
00:14:09,183 --> 00:14:13,021
My God, the bastard's unhinged!
There won't be a single bird left in D.C.!
302
00:14:13,104 --> 00:14:15,857
Oh, wow, wiping out a native population
on Thanksgiving?
303
00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:18,067
- That's never happened before.
- What did you just say?
304
00:14:18,151 --> 00:14:20,320
Well, I associated Thanksgiving with genocide.
305
00:14:20,403 --> 00:14:22,488
It's what young people do. I wasn't trying to--
306
00:14:22,572 --> 00:14:23,906
The Crypt of the New World!
307
00:14:23,990 --> 00:14:26,409
That could be our one chance
to turn this thing around!
308
00:14:26,492 --> 00:14:29,203
You know about the Crypt?
Ugh, so the treasure's already gone.
309
00:14:29,287 --> 00:14:32,540
Wait, is that why you were stealing
the Constitution, you old fart dick?
310
00:14:32,623 --> 00:14:36,377
The Crypt of the New World isn't a treasure.
But it might be our only hope. Come on.
311
00:14:36,461 --> 00:14:38,421
But isn't the Crypt underneath D.C.?
312
00:14:38,504 --> 00:14:41,007
The turkey President's got an army.
An actual army!
313
00:14:41,090 --> 00:14:43,009
- And an air force! And marines!
- Slow down, Morty!
314
00:14:43,092 --> 00:14:45,720
Walk us through every military service.
Does somebody have a pen?
315
00:14:45,803 --> 00:14:48,723
We've got something more powerful
than every army in the world.
316
00:14:48,806 --> 00:14:51,059
Well, no, we don't, but with the right speech,
317
00:14:51,142 --> 00:14:54,645
- we could get a handful of well- trained hillbillies.
- It worked against the British. I'm in.
318
00:14:55,980 --> 00:14:57,648
Birds replacing people.
319
00:14:57,732 --> 00:15:00,151
What would Johnny Cash
or Dale Earnhardt say?
320
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:04,364
He'd say it's time to walk the line
or drive very fast between two of them.
321
00:15:04,447 --> 00:15:07,492
- We don't serve your kind here.
- Oh, my God, are you serious?
322
00:15:07,575 --> 00:15:09,452
Read the sign.
323
00:15:09,535 --> 00:15:10,536
He's my boss, Marvin.
324
00:15:10,620 --> 00:15:13,956
It's okay. Mistrusting presidents
is a patriotic duty.
325
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,835
And that guy on TV isn't me.
He's a turkey infused with my DNA.
326
00:15:17,919 --> 00:15:19,754
I'll be damned.
327
00:15:22,465 --> 00:15:23,716
Well, I'm racist.
328
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,469
You better not be here to take my man again.
329
00:15:26,552 --> 00:15:28,805
- Mary Lou.
- I'm poor! And pregnant!
330
00:15:28,888 --> 00:15:30,348
With a poor person!
331
00:15:30,431 --> 00:15:33,142
And I need you. And ten percent of your baby.
332
00:15:33,226 --> 00:15:36,979
Now look, I know it's going
to take more than some speech.
333
00:15:37,063 --> 00:15:39,482
But what is a speech? isn't it just a question?
334
00:15:40,483 --> 00:15:43,361
And isn't that a question too?
Speeches are words.
335
00:15:43,444 --> 00:15:46,114
Repeated words. Listed words.
336
00:15:46,197 --> 00:15:49,450
Repeated lists of repeated words.
None of that matters.
337
00:15:49,534 --> 00:15:55,373
You know what does matter?
Me asking you. Will you do what I say?
338
00:15:55,832 --> 00:15:59,961
Just two questions, chief. Lock? And load?
339
00:16:01,087 --> 00:16:03,923
- They're rhetorical, sir. Lock and load!
- [cheering]
340
00:16:04,006 --> 00:16:05,133
Lock and load!
341
00:16:06,259 --> 00:16:08,261
[stomping]
342
00:16:13,057 --> 00:16:15,893
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty
coming in what appears to be
343
00:16:15,977 --> 00:16:20,231
an unlicensed Star Wars AT- AT.
Or as the millennials say, A- T A- T.
344
00:16:20,314 --> 00:16:21,607
So it begins.
345
00:16:21,691 --> 00:16:25,736
Gobblers! Tonight, we rise! [gobbles]
346
00:16:32,493 --> 00:16:33,953
[voice glitches] Oh, jeez.
347
00:16:35,705 --> 00:16:37,206
Nice driving, Sanchez.
348
00:16:37,290 --> 00:16:40,501
- Wire's down, pen is clear.
- [President] You know the goddamn rules.
349
00:16:40,585 --> 00:16:43,337
If you see something clucking or pecking,
put a buckshot in its panties.
350
00:16:43,421 --> 00:16:44,547
[gobbling]
351
00:16:46,799 --> 00:16:48,217
[roars]
352
00:16:53,097 --> 00:16:54,557
[gulps]
353
00:16:55,766 --> 00:16:57,310
[yells]
354
00:16:57,894 --> 00:17:01,147
- Jesus Christ! They got Johnson!
- He got off easy.
355
00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:03,107
Hold off the bastards!
356
00:17:05,026 --> 00:17:07,445
- What now, Rick?
- Time to turn up the broiler.
357
00:17:07,528 --> 00:17:09,197
[roars]
358
00:17:14,243 --> 00:17:17,747
- Whoa. Is that--?
- The Crypt of the New World.
359
00:17:19,832 --> 00:17:23,002
The treasure you were after
is this country's oldest secret.
360
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:27,048
One disguised by centuries
of Thanksgiving folklore.
361
00:17:29,884 --> 00:17:32,136
Is that a turkey dinosaur?
362
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:33,554
America's original rulers.
363
00:17:33,638 --> 00:17:36,933
Merciless beasts,
grazing on the flesh of cowering humans.
364
00:17:37,016 --> 00:17:39,602
Then, in the fifteenth century,
a vessel crashed.
365
00:17:39,685 --> 00:17:43,564
Two vessels, really. On board, our saviors.
366
00:17:43,648 --> 00:17:46,275
Sanchez, pull that lever at the same time I do.
367
00:17:51,447 --> 00:17:52,323
[snarling]
368
00:17:56,536 --> 00:17:57,537
[growling]
369
00:17:57,620 --> 00:17:59,163
Oh, shit, they're gonna fight!
370
00:17:59,247 --> 00:18:00,831
[Morty] No, wait, they love each other.
371
00:18:00,915 --> 00:18:02,708
They were at war when they arrived,
372
00:18:02,792 --> 00:18:05,253
but they united over their hatred of turkeys.
373
00:18:05,336 --> 00:18:09,215
And what they love even more
than each other is kicking turkey butt.
374
00:18:09,298 --> 00:18:10,258
Gentlemen!
375
00:18:10,341 --> 00:18:11,717
[speaking alien language]
376
00:18:11,801 --> 00:18:13,302
[aliens snarl]
377
00:18:16,222 --> 00:18:18,683
Corn!
378
00:18:22,395 --> 00:18:23,479
[roars]
379
00:18:24,313 --> 00:18:28,025
It's working! Come on, Sanchez,
let's power down the humanizer ray.
380
00:18:28,985 --> 00:18:30,778
[squawking]
381
00:18:32,071 --> 00:18:34,323
[gasps] Whose side are we on?
382
00:18:34,407 --> 00:18:36,867
I don't know, but we've done enough
to pay for college.
383
00:18:36,951 --> 00:18:38,286
[distant yelling]
384
00:18:38,369 --> 00:18:42,665
- Look, we're almost there.
- Sorry. My turn for a surprise.
385
00:18:42,748 --> 00:18:44,959
Damn, this guy loves arriving
from the shadows.
386
00:18:45,042 --> 00:18:47,211
Look around,
you can't beat our ancient warriors.
387
00:18:47,295 --> 00:18:50,423
Can't I? My kind has always dealt
with predators.
388
00:18:50,506 --> 00:18:55,344
That's why we sleep in trees.
And that's why, in the wild, we fly.
389
00:18:58,264 --> 00:19:00,057
Now, you must choose.
390
00:19:00,141 --> 00:19:02,268
Fight me, or stop that weapon
391
00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:06,480
from turning all of America's turkeys
into a new master race.
392
00:19:06,564 --> 00:19:09,108
You dumb dipshit, there's three of us
and two of us are spacemen.
393
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:12,403
Obviously, they're going to save America
and bring that monument home.
394
00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:14,238
And I'm gonna kick your ass.
395
00:19:14,322 --> 00:19:16,907
- Oh, and, Sanchez? You got your pardon.
- Aw!
396
00:19:16,991 --> 00:19:18,909
Shut up, Morty! Come on!
397
00:19:18,993 --> 00:19:21,162
- Let's go, bitch.
- So be it.
398
00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:22,246
[grunts]
399
00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:27,084
Is it true what Turkey Man said?
That turkeys sleep in trees?
400
00:19:27,168 --> 00:19:30,171
Who the hell cares, Morty?
Let's just [burps] deactivate this shit.
401
00:19:30,254 --> 00:19:33,841
[computer] Calibrating. [gobbles]
Targeting all American turkeys.
402
00:19:33,924 --> 00:19:36,969
Oh, my God, they gave it a voice?
Who is this for? We're in space.
403
00:19:37,053 --> 00:19:38,179
[gobbling]
404
00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:40,931
- Jeez, Rick, I guess them?
- Morty, use this carefully.
405
00:19:41,015 --> 00:19:43,100
Crack the humanizer core and cut the blue wire.
406
00:19:43,184 --> 00:19:44,226
You hear me? Blue wire!
407
00:19:44,310 --> 00:19:46,937
- Why don't we just blow it up?
- It's a national monument, fucknut!
408
00:19:47,021 --> 00:19:50,024
We just got pardoned.
You really wanna do this again next year?
409
00:19:50,775 --> 00:19:52,943
- [grunts]
- [groans]
410
00:19:54,779 --> 00:19:56,489
You forgot something, Turkey Man.
411
00:19:56,572 --> 00:19:58,741
No matter what you got people to believe,
412
00:19:58,824 --> 00:20:01,035
I'm still the goddamn president.
413
00:20:01,118 --> 00:20:03,663
And you forget,
in the one day I've had your job.
414
00:20:04,664 --> 00:20:06,499
I've learned ten times as much.
415
00:20:06,582 --> 00:20:10,044
- I've underestimated you.
- For the last time.
416
00:20:10,127 --> 00:20:11,337
[both grunt]
417
00:20:14,674 --> 00:20:17,259
- [groans]
- Rick, they're not exactly primary colors!
418
00:20:17,343 --> 00:20:19,220
Are we cool with, like, turquoise?
419
00:20:19,303 --> 00:20:21,389
Are you kidding me, Morty?
Just cut the damn thing!
420
00:20:21,472 --> 00:20:23,432
- [turkey gobbles]
- Oh, shit! Oh, fuck!
421
00:20:26,477 --> 00:20:28,437
[computer]
Targets acquired. Activating weapon.
422
00:20:28,521 --> 00:20:30,272
Oh, shit! [yells]
423
00:20:31,774 --> 00:20:33,401
Heritage destroyed.
424
00:20:33,484 --> 00:20:34,944
Morty! [grunts]
425
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:38,823
Goddamn it, you had one job!
426
00:20:40,241 --> 00:20:41,909
- [strains]
- [groans]
427
00:20:45,079 --> 00:20:47,081
[groans]
428
00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:50,292
I beat you! Look at me, you turkey- ass bitch.
429
00:20:50,376 --> 00:20:51,961
[chuckles]
430
00:20:52,044 --> 00:20:55,339
Wait, why are you. Is that a wishbone?
431
00:20:55,423 --> 00:20:57,466
I wish to explode.
432
00:20:57,550 --> 00:20:59,885
[evil laughter]
433
00:21:04,140 --> 00:21:07,601
- [man 1] The Berlin Wall has come down.
- [man 2] It's called the PlayStation.
434
00:21:07,685 --> 00:21:10,396
- [man 1] The winner is Shakespeare in Love.
- [man 2] PlayStation 2.
435
00:21:10,479 --> 00:21:13,065
- [man 1] Hurricane Katrina slams Louisiana.
- [man 2] PlayStation 3!
436
00:21:13,149 --> 00:21:15,317
- [man 1] This is Maroon 5.
- [man 2] PlayStation 4!
437
00:21:15,401 --> 00:21:17,611
- [man 1] The Cubbies Win!
- [man 2] I want a PlayStation 5.
438
00:21:18,821 --> 00:21:20,531
- [gasps]
- I wasn't sure when to pull you out.
439
00:21:20,614 --> 00:21:22,575
I assumed you were running through
your whole life.
440
00:21:23,159 --> 00:21:26,162
Yes. And what a life it was.
441
00:21:27,121 --> 00:21:29,749
Gentleman, thank you once again
for saving this nation.
442
00:21:29,832 --> 00:21:31,667
[speaking alien language]
443
00:21:31,751 --> 00:21:33,127
I don't speak googa.
444
00:21:33,210 --> 00:21:35,463
The CIA only taught me
your activation phrase.
445
00:21:35,546 --> 00:21:39,717
But if I could say anything,
I'd say give America one more chance.
446
00:21:45,473 --> 00:21:46,474
[roars]
447
00:21:46,557 --> 00:21:49,226
Oh, my God, they're gonna fight,
they're really gonna fight.
448
00:21:49,894 --> 00:21:51,479
[Morty] Aww, they love each other!
449
00:21:51,562 --> 00:21:53,355
- Never gets old.
- I'll never get tired of that.
450
00:21:53,439 --> 00:21:55,858
So, after those aliens discovered America.
451
00:21:55,941 --> 00:21:57,193
They went into hibernation,
452
00:21:57,276 --> 00:22:00,654
leaving us the technology we use
to lead the free world.
453
00:22:00,738 --> 00:22:02,656
That, and also to do stuff like slavery.
454
00:22:02,740 --> 00:22:05,284
I always thought
we were more special than that.
455
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:07,161
Like we invented everything
and did everything,
456
00:22:07,244 --> 00:22:10,539
and that's why we own everything.
Now, I don't know what to feel.
457
00:22:10,623 --> 00:22:13,667
Feel thankful, Morty. Feel thankful.
458
00:22:14,627 --> 00:22:15,586
[theme music playing]
459
00:22:46,158 --> 00:22:47,993
- [baby babbles]
- I know, baby.
460
00:22:48,077 --> 00:22:50,704
Coop, honey, should we get
Lucky Charms or Kibble Bibbitz?
461
00:22:50,788 --> 00:22:54,458
- You know we can't afford either.
- Baby, the president owes you.
462
00:22:54,542 --> 00:22:55,501
You saved him!
463
00:22:55,584 --> 00:22:58,379
Ain't his fault our insurance got cut.
They gotta build missiles.
464
00:22:58,462 --> 00:23:01,590
[scoffs] Fine, just.
Can y'all hold Jakey for a second?
465
00:23:03,968 --> 00:23:07,721
- [high- pitched sound]
- [muffled gobbling]
466
00:23:07,805 --> 00:23:09,431
[baby crying]
467
00:23:12,017 --> 00:23:14,436
- [man 1] The hell's he doing?
- [man 2] I think he's foraging.
468
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,480
Crazy bastard thinks he's a turkey.
469
00:23:16,564 --> 00:23:18,899
[man 1] Well, I refuse to pay
for this man's healthcare.
470
00:23:18,983 --> 00:23:20,734
[baby continues crying]