It came as a shock to many, but with the power vacuum left
by the heartless consumption of our dictator,
we shall impose even more Draconian cookie law,
one be- cookieing at a time!
[all screaming]
Oh, thank you! They took power immediately after you and your grandpa left.
Uh, sorry about that.
Rick doesn't do transition plans. I think he was just hungry.
Well, now with you here, perhaps a new system of government, King Morty?
Look, I gotta run. I'm sure you guys will figure it out. I believe in you.
[alien] Morty! Can you help us with this UFO- shaped hole?
[Morty] Sure, jeez, but only because I was in the neighborhood.
- [screaming] - [roars]
[alien] Morty, thank God!
The beast emerged right after your grandpa left,
and its gem went missing!
Jeez, that is a crazy coincidence that I--
If I were you, probably just best left alone.
He's right. We should celebrate.
- Feast? - No time.
Sounds pretty classic though. Don't let me hold you up.
[gasps] Son of a bitch. He marked it.
[sizzles]
[beeping]
Oh!
Phew.
[sighs]
- [gasps] - [glass smashes]
What the... [strains]
Hey, what the hell?
Oh, Jesus!
You got some of that green stuff on you too, huh?
- This is bad. This is really bad. - How do you think I feel?
I had the ultimate stash hole, and now I got a kid in my thigh.
[theme music playing]
You seem like a nice guy in my hand hole, but if I can't sort this out, I'm dead.
- What the hell, dude? Gross. - I was just trying to...
You're just trying to what? Where'd this stuff come from?
Garbage Goober, get out here and eat this garbage.
Mmm! Trash, yeah, I love trash. Yum- yum trash.
- I wanna eat trash. - Hell yeah, I love that little guy.
Wait a minute. Is that Mountain Dew in my quantum transport solution?
I saw you were marking the levels so I had to top it off.
Top it off? Do you know how dangerously toxic this stuff is?
And you added it to my portal fluid?
- Only because you don't trust me! - Oh, that's great logic, Morty.
Forgive me for not doing the kissy chef gesture
since you probably spilled this shit everywhere.
- I don't want to teleport my lips. - I did not spill it!
I won't take your word for that and I shouldn't have to,
which is why I have sidekick rules. If you can't [burps] follow them--
I can be replaced, yeah, yeah, so you keep telling me.
Excuse me? Did you just try to call my bluff?
Have you ever seen me bluff?
Fine. You know what, replace me!
Replace me, Rick. Just do it!
Good luck finding someone
that can be told 80,000 times how replaceable they are!
Okay. I'll see your bluff call and raise you reality.
I can't pretend I haven't been looking forward to this.
Behold my Wheel of Better Things Than Morty.
What are you, 8? Is this macaroni art?
You expect me to believe you built this because you don't care?
No, I built this because I don't expect shit from you.
Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go!
Come on, baby, no whammies!
Stop! Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired!
Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless.
I never said you're worthless.
In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth. Two crows.
Note I didn't say three!
Man, that is not a healthy relationship. [sighs]
I hope you don't mind me eavesdropping.
Maybe we can figure out some sort of sound- proof bandage solution.
Hey, did Garbage Goober eat my porno magazines?
So, were you, like, a friend of Rick's?
- Were you? - [scoffs] Good question.
What's he doing?
Is he out there making sure you see him collecting two crows?
And now you're thinking,
"Gee, maybe if he cares enough to hurt me this bad, dot dot dot..."
[sighs] Break the cycle, Morty.
Change the things that you can change.
That's what I did. And now I'm free.
[crows caw]
Only cramming six years into six minutes, fellas.
- Take your time. - [caws]
- [rings bell] - Now that's what I'm talking about!
If you nail the next one, I've got bird Quaaludes.
And I might even share.
You know, you can stop doing that for my benefit.
Or keep doing it. Doesn't matter.
I'm out. I'm walking away!
Wait, Morty, don't go.
- Not until you see this. - [rings bell]
Commence, bird on a wire!
Yeah! Ha- ha!
[grumbles] Jerk!
Hey, let's hang out.
We're like brothers now, we both got away, you know, where are you at?
Oh, you know what, shoot, can't. I'm an alien, um, so...
That's okay, Rick turned my bike into a spaceship for solo adventures
like picking up his Venusian foot ointment.
- God, I'm seeing it so clearly now. - [clicking and beeping]
- [beeping] - Oh, wait. It says you're here on Earth.
- Yeah. Oh, don't come here. - Why not?
Look, I get it, my room is sometimes messy too,
I'll pick you up, right outside your...
...mental asylum?
- Busted. - You literally said "I'm free."
I'm literally not free.
- Stop! That's my blanket! - How do you know Rick?
Look, I came to your place with him one night after the bar closed.
I started messing around in your garage and I spilled that portal stuff on me
and he, kind of, launched me to Australia.
Like with this weirdly primitive catapult, but the ammunition was--
An airtight carbon chamber.
Yeah, that's how we lost our cable guy.
Anyways, that kind of experience shakes you up so...
Sorry I misled you. Have a nice life.
[indistinct chatter]
Nick. You got a visitor.
[door opens]
Damn, what happened to you?
The guards like to beat us on Sundays. [chuckles]
Still better than Mondays.
Jeez, what happens then?
They lick our faces when we're tied down. Plus, it's meatloaf day.
Well, you're leaving now, buddy.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - I swiped them off the guard on my way in.
I mean, sure, yeah, I could undo my lock, but then what?
After the smartest guy in the world's done with you,
it's kinda hard to find a footing again.
That's why I need to get you out of here. We're not the problem, he is.
And if you can have a fresh start, then maybe I can too.
It's not like it's a prison break.
We're just leaving like a hospital that wants to help you extra bad.
Follow me. [knocks]
[grunts] Hey, get back here! You better open this door!
- I can fly! - [growls]
Keep running, Nick.
The more you sweat, the saltier your cheeks.
- Lick this! - Thanks, Morty.
That dude's got a tongue like a cat.
- Stop those portal boys! - Did you hear that? That's gonna stick!
- [groans] - Damn. Just like Jackie Chan!
Ha! I guess that makes me Chris Tucker.
- I guess? - [device powering up]
Gonna get you! [growls]
[grunts]
[Morty] Holy shit! Did you see that?
I mean, you blinded a guy with puke!
Oh, it was insane! Gimme dap.
Am I doing it right? Did I give you a dap yet?
Look at us. We got out!
And not just from the asylum, but from Rick.
You get to say what an adventure is now. You still got that list?
Dude, we can't do that stuff without Rick's tech.
Then it's time the Portal Boys get themselves a portal gun.
Remember your training, crows. The idol should be around that corner!
[crying]
Do you guys just follow training when you feel like it?
That's not being trained, that's being dicks.
[crows caw]
Oh, now I see. The real treasure is empathy.
And that's worth way more than any knick- knack.
You guys just earned yourself another adventure.
The adventure is you're fired.
Sorry, guys. If I wanted another bleeding heart,
I'd inject reanimator serum into an actual bleeding heart.
Relax, this is an avian planet with 40 million species of bird.
Even one day of working under me will make you apex geniuses down there.
Now hop into these pneumatic canisters they used to use
- at bank drive- thrus in the '70s. - [crows caw]
[sighs]
[music playing on radio]
What the... Hey! Who's tractor- beaming me?
Nobody tractor- beams me.
Nobody descrambles my tractor beam scrambler to boot.
Sorry for the tractor- beaming, but did you lose these two crows?
Oh, yeah. No, I dropped them off because I can't hold a candle to them.
You know, it seemed like the decent thing to do.
Be your crows. Train yourself. Crows are then trained.
I'm open to what you're describing
if it's easier than wiping an unearned smirk off my grandson's face.
What do I do?
Look at your crows. Be your crows.
God, I am so glad I'm a primate.
Fine. Looking at my crows.
We train ourselves to stop training.
The trained are untrained, we are untrained.
All training is complete.
Because no training was needed.
[crows cawing]
[lighter clicks]
My God. I get it now.
We are gonna shove this crow shit down Morty's throat!
Nick, maybe this isn't a good idea. Like, what if he catches us?
- He could trap me in a matrix again. - Listen to yourself.
We wouldn't even be in this situation if the dude hadn't fucked us both over.
Damn it. He must be showing the gun off to his stupid crows.
It's not fair!
It's okay. We can still liberate all this other stuff.
Let's only grab what we need though.
Oh, no! Shit! That's Rick's can crusher.
He spent three weeks perfecting that.
Morty, buddy, you forget that we're in this together.
[Morty yelps]
Besides, tell me that didn't feel the slightest bit good.
I mean, yeah, but we can't do that again.
- Why the hell not? - [crashing]
Whoa!
- [laughs] - [farting]
- [Nick laughs] - [Morty] Here we go, bitch!
Son, have you fallen in with a weird stranger,
and are now trashing your grandpa's place?
- Because I'll help. - [smashing]
- [gurgling] - Dad?
Whatever, man.
- Oh, yeah! - Yeah! Now eat my ass, Rick!
Suck it, Sanchez!
Morty, is that what I think it is?
I mean, it's the equivalent of an iPhone 3 and it's empty,
but it means the Portal Boys be portalling!
- [computer] Rick incoming. - Ah, crap. We better skedaddle.
[gurgling] Morty!
What about my dad? He's, like, a puddle.
You heard the garage.
Rick will turn him back into a solid when he gets here.
Sorry, Dad, gotta go be heroes. Gonna take your car, love you!
Mm. That's us down there with the poop brown roof.
- What is that? - Oh, huh.
That? That's... nothing.
But I see "Two Crows" written right here beside...
"Gene with donkey brains," "half a Paul Giamatti,"
and "sentient shit"!
I guess the joke being that crows are stupid?
I think it's a little more nuanced than that.
Right, because you just learned empathy from us ten minutes ago,
but now we're going to learn we don't get your humor?
Fucking horse shit!
Yeah, there's not a ton to get, genius.
The joke is your grandson was so replaceable
that even two crows could do it.
[chuckles] It's funny, except it's not.
Right, well, to be honest, that is how I felt at the time.
But I've rounded a corner. I seriously have, you guys.
Well, now it's time to round the corner of death!
[crow] Let the crowvolution begin!
[screams]
Ah, that sound! What have you done?
Turned crows against dozens of humans in a 300- meter radius.
[Rick groans]
- [gurgling] Help, please... - Oh, now you beg for help?
- That wasn't me. - What do you mean?
[gurgling] Down here.
- Jerry, what the fuck, why are you a puddle? - Well, you don't deserve these!
[laughs] Genius.
- [gurgling] Catch you at a bad time? - Yeah, Jerry.
They took my goddamn crows!
Not now, Garbage Goober! Get back in your hole!
[chuckles] Our first adventure! This definitely the place?
Yeah, Rick's been ripping these guys off for years, they'll be really...
[distant yelling]
...uh, grateful.
- You know, there-- - Let's just get that fluid, bud.
The Portal Boys are about to be in portal business!
[music playing]
Here he is.
This rat was skimming your crystal harvest
and sending it to a spaceman named Rick Sanchez.
- Bastard! - Screw Rick!
- Kick his dick! - Right?
But me and Nick here, we put a stop to that.
[slams table]
- [alien gasps] - The people of Kuntak thank you.
He's a bad guy, right?
You're gonna bring him to justice?
- Yeah, of course. - [gunshot]
Okay, pleasure doing business.
Not so fast, Morty.
We're not leaving until we get what we came for.
Funny, I'm prepared to.
So, hey, look, what we want is portal fluid.
- As our thanks. - [chuckles]
Portal fluid?
You think I'd live in a lizard mine if I had portal fluid?
Right... Okay, or we could just kill you for it.
- [laughs] - He's kidding. He's...
The Portal Boys only kill with kindness.
- And with guns. - Oh, no.
Oh, no! I'm not the one shooting!
- Kill them! - I'm sorry.
Stop!
Stop! They're unarmed!
Ah! What the fuck? Morty!
Morty!
[crows cawing]
Cool place you got here.
Very "Dark Crystal meets Hot Topic."
Now, where are my damn crows?
- [crunches] - [crow alarm sounds]
Seriously? ls there anything not on theme here?
[crows yelp]
Even now, your primate storms our ship to assert his dominance.
Touch the sacred egg and ascend.
No longer shall you take orders from this beast.
- But taking orders from you is fine? - Silence, ape! [caws]
[groans]
Come on! If you think my crows are gonna leave the great thing we have
for whatever high fantasy bullshit this is, you're wrong.
Right, guys?
This is seriously a toss- up?
[phone ringing]
Uh, someone wanna get that?
Oh. It's me, isn't it? Oof.
Let me just make sure it's not an emergency... Yello.
Rick, I'm so sorry, I messed up big!
Morty? It's okay, you can't be worse off than me.
I got portal splashed, robbed you,
jumped into a rebound with a psycho, and left a trail of dead!
Wow. Somebody's been busy.
I did it because you hurt my feelings when you chose the two crows.
Jesus, it was a bit.
I'm getting my ass kicked by this dumb fucking crow story.
It's all gone tits up.
Huh. Okay. I miss you, man.
Goddamn it. Might've been a bit too frank there.
Yeah, gonna have to call you back.
[screams]
[Nick grunts] Tiny- handed little brat.
You think you can fuck with me and get away with it?
Then you don't know Nick!
[grunts]
[groans]
Busted!
You don't get it, do you?
As long as we have these portals, you can never escape me.
What the hell, man!
I thought we were both victims of Rick's abuse.
Maybe we are, maybe we're not.
Maybe we both just drink at the same bar,
and maybe one night I tried to take his portal gun.
See, I thought Rick was my ticket to something special,
but it turns out you were, Morty!
And look at me now. I'm a Portal Boy!
That name sucks! I was just trying to "yes, and."
You don't get it, Morty.
We're partners.
Now fall in line or I'll make your life a living hell.
No, thank you.
Pity. I can't have you connected to me if you're not on my side!
That means I gotta kill you!
The thing is, I already got a partner, and there's no room for promotions.
[screams]
What the fuck did you just do?
Cut you out of my life.
[screaming]
- [screams] - [sizzling]
[grunts]
See how quickly your allies abandon you, Rick Sanchez?
Lucky for me, abandonment's my bread and butter.
Oh, shit! You were supposed to die!
Gotta hand it to you,
I was iffy about this one, but crow tech slaps!
[yells]
[grunts]
- Finish him, you fools! - Go ahead. Do it.
You guys look so rad. I deserve to go out this way. [groans]
- Bird Quaaludes. - Bird Quaaludes.
Done.
Oh, my God. That was awesome.
You could've killed me back there. How did you guys ever forgive me?
[crows caw]
Right, because this toxic thing I have with Morty doesn't define us.
Man, crows are empathetic as fuck.
Definitely saving this one.
Rick and Two Crows!
Oh, my God, Morty.
Here, come here, let Grandpa fix you up.
What do you want, a robot hand? A lizard hand?
I can make it big again like that one time?
- Just my regular hand! - Right, not a time for bits, I get it.
There you go, good as new.
So we're like, back- back, right? Rick and Morty, together again.
- Full reset? - [sighs]
No. No, Morty, I think we're done.
Because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you?
No, Morty. Because you were too afraid to tell me.
What we had was abusive. Don't you see?
I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner.
The crows made me see that.
I thought they were a joke like you,
but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us.
Oh, okay? And what's the undercut?
You're not hearing me.
I will never be the same.
So, I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me.
Oh.
- Oh. - Here.
- [crows caw] - I want you to have this.
Oh, wow. I...
You know what, Rick? You really have changed.
Thanks, Morty.
I'll always be your grandpa, Morty.
Just kinda obsessed with crows now.
[crows cawing]
♪ I thought that the sun burned brighter With you by my side ♪
[sobs]
♪ And that we'd go on forever Together you and I ♪
Oh, shit! Rick and Two Crows! Kicking off my new franchise!
The galaxy is our telephone wire!
We'll do a thousand seasons, 14 episodes each, nine seconds a pop
because that's the future of viewing. Shows on your shoes. Sneaky!
That's when you've got everybody's attention, when they're putting crap on their feet.
That's when they wanna laugh, cry,
or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot!
Watch sitcoms on your sneakers!
The Rick and Two Crows Show.
We're gonna be laying walnuts on the road for car tires to open them.
You know what I mean? Forever, it's Rick and Two Crows forever!
♪ Thought we'd go on You by my side ♪
♪ Forever, you and I ♪
♪ We raised hell, every night ♪
♪ Together, you and I ♪
♪ Running on borrowed time ♪
♪ Forever, you and I ♪
[red light buzzes]
- Oh! - Where do you think you're going?
Oh, well, you know...
the red light usually means there's garbage...
- Did you seriously not talk to Rick yet? - I kinda hinted at it.
Look, I know it's not the job I came here for, but it's an honest living.
Goddamn it, Harold!
What do they call you? Garbage Goober?
You are a doctor for God's sake!
Look, I don't know how I let this happen,
but I've let it play out so long that I can't stop now.
You're a coward.
You're right. This ends here and now.
[Summer] Garbage Goober, we got freshy trash- trash for you!
Extra stinky, just the way you like it!
Mmm. Trash, I love trash.
Yum- yum trash. I wanna eat trash.