1
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:09,850
Ah! Now, that was some
fantastic chow mein.
2
00:00:09,860 --> 00:00:11,550
And before you say that sounded racist,
3
00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:13,300
you can ask the waiter how they say it.
4
00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:15,920
It's Panda Express, honey.
The waiter's from Portland.
5
00:00:15,930 --> 00:00:17,700
All right, who the hell
changed my ringtone
6
00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:19,920
to the theme from "Taxi"?
7
00:00:19,940 --> 00:00:21,420
It's a new thing on Taxi Tok.
8
00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,990
That's a subculture on TikTok of kids
9
00:00:23,010 --> 00:00:24,800
who decided the theme from "Taxi" slaps.
10
00:00:24,810 --> 00:00:26,159
Now you have to play the "Taxi" theme
11
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:27,530
for ten people while I film it.
12
00:00:27,540 --> 00:00:29,260
I don't have to do shit. That's dumb.
13
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,520
It raises awareness for leukemia.
14
00:00:32,530 --> 00:00:35,800
So... who else is excited
for the zoo tomorrow?
15
00:00:35,820 --> 00:00:38,210
Zoos are my favorite
kind of non-water park.
16
00:00:38,220 --> 00:00:40,320
It's just a shame that they
both give you diarrhea.
17
00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:43,200
You only get diarrhea at
the zoo if you eat the food
18
00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:44,820
you're supposed to feed to the animals.
19
00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:46,450
Which you've done, twice.
20
00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:48,580
They put it in gumball machines.
21
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,440
You know, fortune cookies only come true
22
00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:52,382
if you eat the cookie first.
23
00:00:52,390 --> 00:00:56,344
All right. "Hard work
often pays off"? Lame.
24
00:00:56,350 --> 00:00:59,220
"Family time is time well spent."
25
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,391
Okay, that's not only empty.
It's been disproven.
26
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,840
Okay, mine says, "Family
time is time well... "
27
00:01:03,860 --> 00:01:05,186
Oh, man, I got the same one?
28
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,200
- Boo.
- Boo.
29
00:01:06,220 --> 00:01:09,760
What's your stupid 21-century
watered-down fortune cookie say, Dad?
30
00:01:09,780 --> 00:01:12,360
"You will have sex with your mother."
31
00:01:43,590 --> 00:01:47,812
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
32
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,860
Fortune cookies aren't
legitimate, right?
33
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:52,540
Jerry, are you seriously asking
34
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,259
if I think you're gonna
have sex with your mom?
35
00:01:54,260 --> 00:01:57,260
No, I-I wanted to ask
if it's okay with you
36
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,280
if I make myself throw up the cookie.
37
00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:02,260
If it makes you feel better
and you can do it quietly, yes,
38
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,340
but don't hand that advice
down to Summer.
39
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,280
Ugh! Can't do it.
40
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,520
Sleepy Gary ruined my gag reflex,
41
00:02:10,540 --> 00:02:13,020
which is frustrating because
Sleepy Gary wasn't real.
42
00:02:13,030 --> 00:02:15,980
Neither are fortune cookies.
Go to sleep, Jerry.
43
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,770
I know they're not real.
44
00:02:17,780 --> 00:02:19,720
It's just... why is it so specific?
45
00:02:19,730 --> 00:02:20,739
And why are three of the numbers
46
00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:22,750
a few numbers off from
my Mom's birthday?!
47
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,240
Can we investigate this, Rick?
48
00:02:24,260 --> 00:02:25,520
It's not an X-File, Jerry.
49
00:02:25,540 --> 00:02:27,720
You got the world's last
interesting fortune.
50
00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:30,480
Dad, can you explain to TikTok
what's going on with your mom?
51
00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:33,060
Summer, no social videoing!
What if Mi-Maw sees it?
52
00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:35,340
We can't let her know this is
a thing that might happen!
53
00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:36,840
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh, "might"?
54
00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:38,399
She's calling again.
55
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,900
She doesn't usually call this much.
56
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,960
Because you don't usually ghost her
57
00:02:41,980 --> 00:02:44,980
because you don't usually
decide you're at risk of...
58
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,789
What if she's calling me
to tell me I'm adopted?!
59
00:02:46,790 --> 00:02:49,220
Well, yeah, then you
should definitely hit that.
60
00:02:50,350 --> 00:02:51,360
That's not funny!
61
00:02:51,370 --> 00:02:54,480
Jerry, you're making it funny
by taking it seriously.
62
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:57,260
And none of us will be laughing
if you let this ruin our zoo trip.
63
00:02:57,270 --> 00:02:59,640
Rick, can you use science to
make it impossible for me to...
64
00:02:59,650 --> 00:03:01,020
Jerry, you're insulting science.
65
00:03:01,030 --> 00:03:03,560
And as the most powerful
man in the universe,
66
00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:05,970
if I create technology to
prevent a random occurrence,
67
00:03:05,980 --> 00:03:08,060
I'll end up making it more
possible than random.
68
00:03:09,780 --> 00:03:12,320
- _
- When do we leave for the zoo?
69
00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:15,180
One hour. You have one
hour to let go of this.
70
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,150
I'm already done thinking about it.
71
00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:24,490
Check that out, huh?
72
00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,220
Ah!
73
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,663
Ah! No!
74
00:03:30,980 --> 00:03:33,125
Aah! Aah! Aah!
75
00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:36,170
Let me out! Let me out!
76
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,100
- You have ten seconds.
- I want to go.
77
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,740
You know of my love for the zoo!
78
00:03:41,750 --> 00:03:43,090
Why are you dressed like Morty?
79
00:03:43,110 --> 00:03:44,960
Because Morty's mom is Beth.
80
00:03:44,980 --> 00:03:46,681
I'm not unpacking that.
81
00:03:46,690 --> 00:03:49,240
Okay, if you think I have this
much patience for the zoo,
82
00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:51,310
on Earth, you're sorely mistaken.
83
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,280
Jerry, if you don't come with
us, I will be so disappointed.
84
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,039
Okay, you guys should
probably go on without Jerry.
85
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,240
I just took some readings
on his probability field,
86
00:03:58,250 --> 00:03:59,980
and this fortune has some strange powers
87
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,539
- I'm gonna need to investigate.
- Really?!
88
00:04:01,540 --> 00:04:03,680
- Oh, God, I knew it.
- Okay.
89
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:05,140
- Well, be careful, honey.
- Ooh!
90
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:06,699
Bring me back a handful of zebra snacks?
91
00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:10,120
A-And please take pictures with my
favorite animal, the white tiger!
92
00:04:10,140 --> 00:04:12,530
- Because they breed via incest?
- Is that true?!
93
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,296
- Ah. I knew I was right.
- Not even close.
94
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,040
I just didn't want to see someone
get bullied into going to a zoo.
95
00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:23,299
You may be the single dumbest
human I've ever met, Jerry,
96
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:26,340
but you still have a right to take
whatever you want seriously.
97
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,239
Thank you, but if that thing says
I'm not gonna do it with my mom,
98
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,250
I can go to the zoo.
99
00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:33,000
Jerry, this thing measures
aberrations in probability waves.
100
00:04:33,020 --> 00:04:35,350
I didn't even bother to turn
it on because if I did...
101
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:37,720
- Huh.
- What?!
102
00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:39,460
Nothing. Don't get weird on me.
103
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,470
But, uh, since we're
free for the afternoon,
104
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,237
you mind doing a quick activity?
105
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,560
We're gonna disprove this
with efficient brute force.
106
00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:47,440
These are two shoeboxes. Both are empty,
107
00:04:47,460 --> 00:04:49,379
but I wrote your mother's
name on the inside of one.
108
00:04:49,380 --> 00:04:52,180
What? God, no! If you think for
a second I'm gonna put my...
109
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,020
Good. I didn't wanna do this anyway.
110
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,585
Fine! Can I just tell you which
box I would put my penis in?
111
00:04:57,590 --> 00:05:00,338
Saying it seems worse, but okay.
112
00:05:00,340 --> 00:05:03,507
All right. I would put my
penis in the box on the right.
113
00:05:03,510 --> 00:05:05,059
Great. Uh, look in the other direction,
114
00:05:05,060 --> 00:05:06,740
and I'm gonna switch up the boxes.
115
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,040
This feels really low-tech.
116
00:05:08,060 --> 00:05:09,980
Yeah, 'cause we're measuring reality.
117
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,190
I would take out my penis
118
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,390
and place it in the box on the... right.
119
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,021
Again.
120
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:19,650
I would put my penis...
121
00:05:19,660 --> 00:05:21,389
Jerry, you don't have to
say "penis" every time.
122
00:05:21,390 --> 00:05:23,680
- Just left or right.
- Hey, this was your idea!
123
00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:25,400
I didn't think it'd go on this long.
124
00:05:25,410 --> 00:05:28,140
Okay, penis. Ugh! Left!
125
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,500
- Keep going.
- Right.
126
00:05:31,450 --> 00:05:34,190
Left. Right.
127
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,680
Jerry, are you fucking peeking?
128
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:38,420
Tell me what's going on!
You're scaring me!
129
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,600
Okay, I'm just as
likely to shit a balloon
130
00:05:42,620 --> 00:05:43,750
as I am to become a dolphin.
131
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:44,919
Those are things that could happen?
132
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,030
Jerry, everything is as
likely as anything else.
133
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,300
Which is why it's weird that
you're at all likely to...
134
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,030
To what? To what?!
135
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,680
Jerry, has your mother
been leaving messages?
136
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:58,280
Three texts. I'm afraid to read them.
137
00:05:58,300 --> 00:05:59,740
Read them.
138
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,780
She's asking if she can come visit.
139
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,440
Why would she want that?!
140
00:06:03,460 --> 00:06:07,104
Jerry, I'm gonna tell you something
I've never told anyone.
141
00:06:07,110 --> 00:06:09,156
We need to go to Panda Express.
142
00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:11,099
If these guys wanted my respect,
143
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:12,669
they could've just gotten
a liquor license.
144
00:06:12,670 --> 00:06:14,700
Now you think this has
something to do with you?
145
00:06:14,710 --> 00:06:17,460
Jerry, whoever's behind that
fortune has, like, god powers.
146
00:06:17,470 --> 00:06:19,120
Of course it has something
to do with me.
147
00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:21,961
What do you think I am in
this story, the father-in-law?
148
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:28,180
You guys wanted my attention?
149
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,849
Okay, well, now I'm
getting mixed signals.
150
00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:33,930
- _
- Gah!
151
00:06:33,940 --> 00:06:35,180
Stay here, Jerry.
152
00:06:35,190 --> 00:06:36,340
Time to kick ass.
153
00:06:36,350 --> 00:06:37,600
Gonna need a soundtrack.
154
00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:39,937
Ship, favorites playlist, track one.
155
00:06:43,890 --> 00:06:45,920
All right, fine. No wrong answers.
156
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,420
Tell me where you get your cookies at,
157
00:07:04,430 --> 00:07:06,229
- and we can all walk out of here alive!
- Fuck you, DEA piece of shit!
158
00:07:06,230 --> 00:07:07,569
- DEA?
- Cookies?
159
00:07:07,570 --> 00:07:08,759
- Fortune cookies.
- You're not here
160
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,229
about our gang's city-wide meth ring?
161
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:13,070
What? No. Break the laws.
They shouldn't exist anyway.
162
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,480
Yeah. Wow. I am embarrassed.
163
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:19,740
Aw, me too. Sorry about,
uh, these dead guys.
164
00:07:19,750 --> 00:07:21,180
Comes with the territory.
165
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,280
So w-where do you get your cookies?
166
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:26,080
Same distributor as everyone else.
That's their truck out back.
167
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,660
Solid. Okay, I'm gonna take the truck
168
00:07:27,670 --> 00:07:29,445
in exchange for not turning you in.
169
00:07:35,730 --> 00:07:37,960
Geez. How much money can there be
170
00:07:37,970 --> 00:07:39,371
in cookies that you get for free?
171
00:07:39,380 --> 00:07:41,720
And now we're being retina scanned?
172
00:07:41,730 --> 00:07:43,050
Oh, oh, oh! I know!
173
00:07:43,060 --> 00:07:44,990
- I've got a theory, Jerry.
- Oh, good.
174
00:07:45,010 --> 00:07:47,980
This place is run by Cookie Monster.
175
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,260
He's really protective
about his cookies.
176
00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:52,160
C'mon, man. You can't crack a smile?
177
00:07:52,170 --> 00:07:54,169
Oh, yeah... you're worried
about doing it with your mom.
178
00:07:54,170 --> 00:07:55,340
Okay. Fair enough.
179
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,540
Whoa!
180
00:08:00,350 --> 00:08:03,080
Fucking cameras everywhere.
That cup is a camera.
181
00:08:03,090 --> 00:08:04,897
That tree is a camera.
182
00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:06,180
Can you disable them?
183
00:08:06,190 --> 00:08:08,620
Stealth rule number one...
turning off 300 cameras
184
00:08:08,630 --> 00:08:11,027
draws more attention
than changing outfits.
185
00:08:11,028 --> 00:08:13,364
Looks like we need to dress for success.
186
00:08:13,370 --> 00:08:16,820
Eye of Thundara, give
me suits beyond suits!
187
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,450
Jerry, assistant clothing. MAKE-UP!
188
00:08:25,140 --> 00:08:26,700
What the hell was that?
189
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,220
Reuseable "Sailor Moon" sequence.
190
00:08:28,230 --> 00:08:30,339
If we ever need to show you
becoming my assistant again,
191
00:08:30,340 --> 00:08:32,100
we can repeat it and save lots of money.
192
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,730
Why does an operation bigger
than the government
193
00:08:41,740 --> 00:08:44,380
want me to... couple with my mother?
194
00:08:58,540 --> 00:09:02,663
Whoa. Bezos? Bill Gates?
Prime ministers?
195
00:09:02,670 --> 00:09:04,748
Weirdly, Billy Zane is also here.
196
00:09:04,750 --> 00:09:08,627
Hello. You're about to meet
me, Jennith Padrow-Chunt.
197
00:09:08,630 --> 00:09:11,440
15 years ago, I was living
in my parents' garage,
198
00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:14,842
eating ramen out of a toilet
when I discovered something.
199
00:09:14,850 --> 00:09:16,700
Fate isn't fiction.
200
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,550
Everything you want can be
yours, if you ask for it.
201
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,300
Just ask me.
202
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,140
- Hello, me.
- Hello, me.
203
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:24,480
Look at Me's.
204
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:26,604
Every suit I wear is virgin white.
205
00:09:26,610 --> 00:09:28,430
I sleep on a bed of loose grains
206
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,160
and begin every morning by
dragging my perfect vagina
207
00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:32,900
across Chinese silver grass.
208
00:09:32,910 --> 00:09:34,720
I'm firm and ripe.
209
00:09:35,470 --> 00:09:37,160
My mother's plane just landed.
210
00:09:37,180 --> 00:09:38,570
She took a photo at the airport
211
00:09:38,580 --> 00:09:41,076
in front of that Wolfgang Puck
that smells like a kindergarten.
212
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,239
Want to know the secret
213
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,413
- to how I changed my future?
- Yes.
214
00:09:44,420 --> 00:09:46,460
Well, once you're a
level seven investor,
215
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,125
you'll learn that and more.
216
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:50,580
Yeah, we're not getting
the answers we want here.
217
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,254
Let's go deeper.
218
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:59,120
And now, thanks to your
generous contributions,
219
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:00,880
here are this year's cookies.
220
00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:05,120
"You will receive a 6.8%
year-on-year increase."
221
00:10:05,140 --> 00:10:07,740
- Very nice.
- "Your talents are appreciated... "
222
00:10:07,750 --> 00:10:10,360
"... when you become junior partner."
223
00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:13,570
Holy shit! I'm going to be on
"Dancing with the Stars"!
224
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,630
Please, I can get the money. I swear!
225
00:10:15,650 --> 00:10:18,520
- Gak!
- I'm afraid it's too late for that.
226
00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:21,080
Oh, God, what does it say?
227
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,810
"Your penis will be mangled
228
00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:25,460
by a frozen-yogurt machine at the U.N."?
229
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:26,740
I know that machine!
230
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,500
This would sound impossible to a layman,
231
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,292
but to me it rings inevitable!
232
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:32,820
Holy shit. This is real.
233
00:10:32,830 --> 00:10:35,440
- They're controlling fate for profit.
- I'm glad you're happy.
234
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:37,720
Now can we blow up the
building or something?
235
00:10:37,740 --> 00:10:40,119
I don't think that's the best way
to take away their power, Jerry.
236
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,239
Let's take it in a way that
ends with us having it.
237
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:43,600
You mean you having it.
238
00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:45,400
- I'll share it.
- Then you fuck my mom.
239
00:10:45,420 --> 00:10:47,960
That's not how it works,
and I already have.
240
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,604
- What?!
- Jesus, Jerry, come on.
241
00:10:51,490 --> 00:10:53,320
How unfortunate.
242
00:10:54,150 --> 00:10:55,776
Use the emergency fortunes!
243
00:10:56,450 --> 00:10:58,445
Fighting fortunes.
T-T-They're leveling up!
244
00:10:59,650 --> 00:11:01,782
"You'll have great success in a fight."
245
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,160
I'll be damned.
246
00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:07,454
Ha!
247
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:10,240
Yah!
248
00:11:10,260 --> 00:11:11,458
Fuck! This both sucks
249
00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:12,990
and is really valuable data.
250
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,900
- Ha!
- Oh!
251
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,739
Aah! Wha! Rick, what are you doing?!
252
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:20,620
- Using you as a human shield.
- You said it!
253
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,700
You said the thing
I thought you were doing.
254
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,580
We've got intruders.
255
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:29,020
And one of them... has
an unresolved fortune.
256
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:30,728
_
257
00:11:30,730 --> 00:11:32,210
We need that man's mother.
258
00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:34,090
Lot of mothers in the world, ma'am.
259
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:36,380
But only one of them is Mrs....
260
00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:38,850
ugh, God damn it... Smith?
261
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,702
So are we going to ignore
that you tried to stop bullets
262
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:47,870
using my body?
263
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,119
You have an unresolved fortune.
264
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,500
Until you have sex with your mom,
you're basically immortal.
265
00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:53,570
Do you have any idea
how amazing that is?
266
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,160
You don't even care about me.
267
00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:57,578
You just want fortune cookie power.
268
00:11:57,580 --> 00:11:59,450
Okay, Jerry, how 'bout this?
269
00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:00,700
If it comes down to it,
270
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,450
I promise I'll put a bullet in her head.
271
00:12:02,460 --> 00:12:04,060
- No!
- Ah, you're right.
272
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:05,809
The fortune didn't say
she'd be alive, did it?
273
00:12:05,810 --> 00:12:07,620
- I hate you!
- Hate productive things.
274
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,620
Hate crawling through
a fucking air vent.
275
00:12:10,270 --> 00:12:12,740
Ah, those are those
weird hex-headed screws.
276
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:13,939
Do your screwdriver fingers...
277
00:12:13,940 --> 00:12:15,480
Aah! Aah!
278
00:12:32,670 --> 00:12:35,670
Well, at least we have
no idea what's going on.
279
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:38,690
That's a LOCKER-ean.
I-It's a species that eats chaos.
280
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:40,600
But it has its digestive disorder.
281
00:12:40,620 --> 00:12:42,690
Its stomach is stripping
randomness from spacetime
282
00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,620
and leaving behind
super-dense pockets of energy
283
00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:47,030
that bend entropy towards
definable outcomes.
284
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,540
I mean, th-that's how fate works.
285
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:49,765
It's a field, like gravity,
286
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:51,520
but instead of pulling small toward big,
287
00:12:51,530 --> 00:12:53,020
it pulls unknown toward known.
288
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,900
Ah, so we do know what's going on.
289
00:12:54,910 --> 00:12:56,939
We know this... everyone
that's had a fortune cookie
290
00:12:56,940 --> 00:12:59,240
in the last 20 years has
eaten this thing's poop.
291
00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:01,160
Fortune cookies are alien poop.
292
00:13:02,420 --> 00:13:03,940
These fortunes are so basic.
293
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,200
Why wouldn't you use this
power to change the world?
294
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,960
Or at least get Nintendo to
make a portable VR headset?
295
00:13:08,980 --> 00:13:11,480
Ooh, this place ain't
for creatin' the future,
296
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,950
but controllin' it.
297
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,790
Hi, I'm Old. Old M. Hucksbee.
298
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,820
The "M" stands for "Man."
299
00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:19,500
You're an arch little character.
300
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,140
You're the reason fortune cookies suck?
301
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,180
No, no, no, that's Jenneth Chunt's idea.
302
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,630
You have to glut the marketplace
with pointless fortunes
303
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,460
to increase the value of real ones.
304
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,560
Controlling destiny for a price...
305
00:13:29,580 --> 00:13:32,599
that's the Fortune 500's fortune.
306
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,580
And you're trying to stop them?
307
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:35,860
Just tryin' to get out.
308
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,400
I want to be free with
this here alien gal
309
00:13:38,420 --> 00:13:39,840
so we can get married.
310
00:13:39,850 --> 00:13:41,600
Then we can have relations.
311
00:13:41,610 --> 00:13:43,760
Can't do that before marriage, you know.
312
00:13:43,780 --> 00:13:45,019
I'm a Catholic.
313
00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:46,520
Uh, does the alien want that?
314
00:13:46,530 --> 00:13:49,120
It's not exactly what I'd
call a sentient species.
315
00:13:49,130 --> 00:13:50,160
A man knows.
316
00:13:50,170 --> 00:13:52,020
What does this have to do with me?
317
00:13:52,030 --> 00:13:53,960
You put this in my cookie.
318
00:13:53,970 --> 00:13:57,040
Yep. Oh, I've been tryin'
to get people's attention.
319
00:13:57,050 --> 00:13:59,780
I'd make fortunes saying,
"You're a-gonna break your leg
320
00:13:59,790 --> 00:14:02,000
unless you investigate
this cookie company,"
321
00:14:02,010 --> 00:14:03,720
or, "Please come help me
322
00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:05,760
or a virus will shut down the world."
323
00:14:05,780 --> 00:14:07,760
Finally I just made a bunch that said,
324
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:10,387
"You're gonna have sex
with your own momma."
325
00:14:10,390 --> 00:14:12,639
How many? It... What
happened to the others?
326
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:14,490
I 'spose they fucked their moms.
327
00:14:14,510 --> 00:14:17,160
Now let's cut her chains
and get the hell outta here.
328
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,270
Well, shit on a spaghetti.
329
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:22,733
Hello, Jerry Smith.
330
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:25,736
Glad you could join us on
Bring Your Mother to Work day.
331
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,362
- Mom!
- Hi, Jerry.
332
00:14:27,370 --> 00:14:30,480
Your friends picked
me up in a limousine.
333
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:31,539
They said you won something,
334
00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:33,200
and I should be the
one to give it to you.
335
00:14:33,210 --> 00:14:35,746
- You sick fucks.
- Are you guys enjoying this?
336
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:38,720
I used to think I was just
a regular white woman.
337
00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:41,460
Then I discovered I could
control my destiny.
338
00:14:41,470 --> 00:14:42,860
All white women think that.
339
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,000
The truth is, this alien
crashed in your yard
340
00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:46,298
and you ate its shit.
341
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,008
How dare you! What's your name?
342
00:14:48,010 --> 00:14:49,410
How dare you?!
343
00:14:49,420 --> 00:14:50,844
We should've blown up the building.
344
00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:52,540
Doesn't matter. All I was gonna say is,
345
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,420
"Guess what, insert name?
Time for you to eat shit."
346
00:14:55,430 --> 00:14:57,100
- But first...
- Aah!
347
00:14:57,900 --> 00:14:59,120
Oh, no!
348
00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:00,440
- I'm so wet!
- Ah!
349
00:15:00,460 --> 00:15:02,564
- No!
- Jerry! Come back and block bullets.
350
00:15:02,570 --> 00:15:04,983
Authorizing the use
of prototype fortunes.
351
00:15:12,210 --> 00:15:13,408
- Fuck!
- You can't hide!
352
00:15:13,410 --> 00:15:15,702
My fortune said, "Headshots only."
353
00:15:17,170 --> 00:15:20,420
Harry! Greg! Lashawn!
Dave C.! Dave M.! Noooo!
354
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,084
You piece of shit,
you killed my friends.
355
00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:23,627
Oh!
356
00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:26,672
All right, what does the future hold?
357
00:15:27,330 --> 00:15:28,340
_
358
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,130
Aah!
359
00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:34,180
- _
- Maybe I can Pokémon this shit.
360
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,265
Blast him, or we're both gonna die.
361
00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:37,933
Oh, God! Oh, God!
362
00:15:37,940 --> 00:15:40,880
- Aaah!
- Whoa! You control control water.
363
00:15:40,890 --> 00:15:44,040
Like, the water inside a guy.
That's a gross power.
364
00:15:45,610 --> 00:15:46,610
_
365
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,979
I'm gonna let you live
because your fortune sucks.
366
00:15:50,980 --> 00:15:52,819
You can't kill me! I can't be killed!
367
00:15:52,820 --> 00:15:55,570
Trust me, that's not
as good as it sounds.
368
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:56,868
Aaaaaaah!
369
00:15:56,870 --> 00:15:58,537
Ah! Ah! Aah!
370
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,760
Oh, it hurts! It burns!
371
00:16:00,780 --> 00:16:02,760
Fuck! Oh, my God! My ribs!
372
00:16:02,780 --> 00:16:05,252
I can feel my shattered ribs!
373
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:15,340
Shit, these are useless.
Where are the fighting fortunes?
374
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:18,500
Ah, no-no-no-no-no! Those are blanks!
375
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,800
Without fortunes, the effects
are completely unpredictable!
376
00:16:21,820 --> 00:16:23,300
All right.
377
00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:35,907
I am the son of God!
378
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:39,244
Ah!
379
00:16:40,210 --> 00:16:42,140
Jerry!
380
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:46,376
- Help me, Jerry!
- Mom! Stay away! Just stay away!
381
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,700
Come on and fuck already!
382
00:16:48,710 --> 00:16:50,800
Ma'am, is it possible
we're being given a chance
383
00:16:50,820 --> 00:16:53,580
to take a step back and
examine our behavior?
384
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,420
You can't kill me, old man.
385
00:16:57,430 --> 00:16:59,920
I also have an unresolved fortune.
386
00:17:00,350 --> 00:17:03,090
"The most successful
businesswoman on Earth?"
387
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:06,104
You could do anything you
wanted and you chose... work?
388
00:17:06,110 --> 00:17:09,287
Every day I get closer
to an unattainable goal.
389
00:17:09,290 --> 00:17:12,680
A one-woman lifestyle brand, forever!
390
00:17:12,690 --> 00:17:14,360
Well, I just used a dark web account
391
00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:16,420
to hack Goldman Sachs,
remove trillions of dollars,
392
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,340
and purchase everything
your company offers.
393
00:17:18,350 --> 00:17:19,359
Congratulations!
394
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:21,780
You're officially the most successful
businesswoman on Earth.
395
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:23,246
Fortune fulfilled.
396
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,579
And now I'm emptying your bank accounts
397
00:17:24,580 --> 00:17:26,259
and giving the money
back to Goldman Sachs,
398
00:17:26,260 --> 00:17:28,460
because I sit dead-center
on the alignment chart.
399
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,440
You son of a bitch!
400
00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:33,240
How does it feel to achieve your dreams?
401
00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:34,341
Empty, right?
402
00:17:34,350 --> 00:17:35,910
Like when DiCaprio won the Oscar.
403
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,380
You could see it in his face.
404
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:41,340
I still have one more dream...
405
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:46,478
watching you die, Rick Sanchez!
406
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,313
Ha! You knew my name!
407
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,908
She's free! Run!
408
00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:02,040
Run, my beauty!
409
00:18:07,550 --> 00:18:09,920
Well, butterfly on a corncob.
410
00:18:09,930 --> 00:18:12,920
I see that I've romanticized
a wild animal
411
00:18:12,930 --> 00:18:14,540
the same way Margaret Howe did
412
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,120
when she jerked off that dolphin
413
00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:17,800
in the 19-and-60s.
414
00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:20,870
Both she and I assaulted
a captive creature
415
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:23,200
and expected it to be reciprocal.
416
00:18:23,220 --> 00:18:24,933
Welp, joopityboot.
417
00:18:24,940 --> 00:18:26,500
Time to die.
418
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,814
Ah!
419
00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:33,720
Follow me, my queen!
420
00:18:36,010 --> 00:18:38,822
That's all the bad guys down.
We almost got this, Jer.
421
00:18:40,590 --> 00:18:41,720
Ah!
422
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:45,954
No!
423
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,520
Oh, sticks-to-walls guy,
424
00:18:48,540 --> 00:18:50,400
I-I-I guess we were both wrong.
425
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,180
Oh, God.
426
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,380
Oh! Ah!
427
00:18:58,390 --> 00:18:59,860
Ah! Oh!
428
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:02,940
Aaaah! Rick! Please!
429
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,420
Jerry, I've got the creature.
430
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,267
- I knew it. I knew it.
- God damn it!
431
00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:11,729
Aaaaaaaah!
432
00:19:11,730 --> 00:19:13,489
_
433
00:19:13,490 --> 00:19:14,691
Oh, God!
434
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:17,152
Aaaaah!
435
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,236
God damn it.
436
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:27,600
Ah. Holy shit, that was close.
437
00:19:27,620 --> 00:19:28,740
Close to what?
438
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:32,180
Close to everyone but your son
getting anything they want forever.
439
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,300
You saved me.
440
00:19:33,310 --> 00:19:35,500
I will never stop holding this over you,
441
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,300
as if that buys me anything.
442
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,800
- We should get you some clothes, son.
- Oh, oh!
443
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,300
I can just feel the savings.
444
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,500
Hey, wait, uh...
445
00:19:49,510 --> 00:19:52,100
Got this at the crazy
place we just were.
446
00:19:52,110 --> 00:19:54,879
It may look like someone
stuck a hand-written fortune
447
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,529
in there last second,
but I'm pretty sure
448
00:19:56,530 --> 00:19:58,040
that's just the way it came.
449
00:19:58,060 --> 00:19:59,611
Besides, these don't mean anything.
450
00:20:01,490 --> 00:20:03,780
- _
- Jerry, while I appreciate the sentiment,
451
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,470
this is a huge waste of
the last real fortune.
452
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,320
Oh. I'm sorry. I just...
453
00:20:08,330 --> 00:20:09,840
It's cool, it's cool.
454
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,760
- Thanks, friend.
- Friend?!
455
00:20:11,770 --> 00:20:12,979
- Did you just say friend?
- What?
456
00:20:12,980 --> 00:20:14,600
- W-W-What did I do?
- You fucking idiot!
457
00:20:14,610 --> 00:20:17,129
I'm not your friend! Why did
you think I was your friend?
458
00:20:17,130 --> 00:20:18,540
Look at this you piece of shit.
459
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,620
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, so?
- I was immortal!
460
00:20:20,630 --> 00:20:22,200
I was immortal for that whole fight.
461
00:20:22,210 --> 00:20:24,200
All I had to do was never
make a new friend.
462
00:20:24,210 --> 00:20:26,820
- Jesus fucking Christ, Jerry.
- I'm sorry! We're not friends!
463
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:28,080
Yeah, too late, bonehead.
464
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,140
It doesn't say "new permanent friend."
465
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,000
All friendships end,
especially new ones.
466
00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:36,540
Well, maybe that's a fate
the two of us still control.
467
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,020
I'm... I'm sorry I did that.
468
00:20:44,030 --> 00:20:45,200
It's fine.
469
00:20:53,630 --> 00:20:59,921
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
470
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,980
The zoo. Animals.
Balloons. Moats. Cages.
471
00:21:28,990 --> 00:21:30,600
A fun time for the whole family.
472
00:21:30,610 --> 00:21:32,579
But you don't care about
that. You're a zebra.
473
00:21:32,580 --> 00:21:34,970
You're here for the unparalleled
dining experience
474
00:21:34,980 --> 00:21:37,039
of hand-fed zebra food. Delicious.
475
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,890
He... Hey, wait. Don't eat...
476
00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:40,420
Th... That's for the zebras.
477
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,060
It's making you sick!
What are you doing?
478
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:43,809
Jesus, why have they left
all the zebra-feeding
479
00:21:43,810 --> 00:21:45,069
to the people who come to the zoo?
480
00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:46,950
Is that the only way the
zebras can get food?
481
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,880
They're so hungry.
What the fuck is happening?
482
00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:50,350
We're out of zebra food. Okay?
483
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,240
There's no food left.
Don't come to the zoo.
484
00:21:52,250 --> 00:21:54,240
This was supposed to be
a commercial for zebras,
485
00:21:54,250 --> 00:21:55,380
targeted to zebras.
486
00:21:55,390 --> 00:21:57,280
The premise itself was
questionable, but this...
487
00:21:57,290 --> 00:21:58,480
this is a nightmare!
488
00:21:58,490 --> 00:22:00,340
Don't go to the zoo.
Stay away from the zoo.
489
00:22:00,350 --> 00:22:01,859
Oh, God, what are you
doing in the booth?
490
00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:03,420
Get out! Get out, you're mad with...
491
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,280
Ow. Eat it. Eat zebra food.
492
00:22:08,290 --> 00:22:11,190
Okay, um. I guess I can't blame
Dad for being confused
493
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,720
about what to do with the zebra food.
494
00:22:12,730 --> 00:22:16,140
Also, I have no idea why they're
running this ad, like, on a loop?
495
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,240
There were murders in it,
496
00:22:17,260 --> 00:22:18,789
and it was specifically
telling you to do
497
00:22:18,790 --> 00:22:20,129
the thing it didn't want you to do
498
00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:21,860
until the very end, when it reversed.
499
00:22:21,870 --> 00:22:23,970
Why would they sell the
zebra food in the gift shop,
500
00:22:23,980 --> 00:22:26,610
unless... I mean, do the
zebras shop in here?
501
00:22:26,620 --> 00:22:28,240
Are we the ones in the zoo?
502
00:22:28,250 --> 00:22:29,420
Oh, is that the twist?
503
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,346
Okay, we're... it's a human zoo. Got it.