1 00:00:08,483 --> 00:00:10,277 - [Beth] Yay! - [all laughing] 2 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:11,778 Wait, what's that? 3 00:00:11,862 --> 00:00:14,072 Do I hear something coming down the chimney? 4 00:00:16,074 --> 00:00:19,286 Rick Santa-chez here with gifts from across the multiverse. 5 00:00:19,369 --> 00:00:20,203 - Oh, my God. - Yes! 6 00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:23,874 For Jerry, an extra dimensional version of Miracle on 34th Street. 7 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:27,711 Two hours longer! They fixed my only problem with it! 8 00:00:27,794 --> 00:00:32,174 For Beth, a framed photo of the two of us from a universe where she wasn't murdered as a child. 9 00:00:32,257 --> 00:00:33,383 Oh, my God. Dad. 10 00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:37,137 And for Space Beth, the same thing because we don't know which of you is real. 11 00:00:37,220 --> 00:00:39,056 I am also touched. 12 00:00:39,139 --> 00:00:40,390 Summer, check your Venmo. 13 00:00:41,350 --> 00:00:44,728 - [gasps] Money? How did you know?! - You're 17. 14 00:00:44,811 --> 00:00:47,439 And last but not least, for my number one number two. 15 00:00:47,522 --> 00:00:49,608 Morty you asked for this a long time ago 16 00:00:49,691 --> 00:00:52,069 and I finally went far, far away enough to get it 17 00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:53,695 since shipping would have killed me. 18 00:00:53,779 --> 00:00:57,282 - You didn't! No fucking way. - [all] No fucking way. 19 00:00:57,366 --> 00:01:00,952 - Does it make the noises? - Of course, that's like half the fun. 20 00:01:01,036 --> 00:01:03,246 - Awesome! - Whoa, do not turn that on! 21 00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:06,541 Don't worry. Morty's only going to use this very honorable weapon 22 00:01:06,625 --> 00:01:09,503 in designated Jedi zones, like the garage right now. 23 00:01:14,216 --> 00:01:18,220 Holy crap. I hate to say it, but I wish there was something to attack. 24 00:01:18,303 --> 00:01:20,472 It's too bad nobody bought a cart of fruit! 25 00:01:20,555 --> 00:01:23,308 - You beautiful son of a bitch. - Grapefruit! 26 00:01:23,392 --> 00:01:26,353 Mango! Papaya! Watermelon! A second papaya! 27 00:01:26,436 --> 00:01:28,605 Another watermelon! Strike me down. 28 00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:29,815 - What? - Strike me down! 29 00:01:29,898 --> 00:01:32,192 - I'm not striking you down. - Strike me down. 30 00:01:32,275 --> 00:01:34,486 I'll become a pile of clothes like that old guy. 31 00:01:34,569 --> 00:01:35,904 But you'll die, you're drunk. 32 00:01:35,987 --> 00:01:37,698 - Here, I'll do it myself... - No! 33 00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:43,036 Wow, you did it! Just like Obi Wan. Rick? 34 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:47,541 You can come out now. I'm serious. Did you, like, become your clothes? 35 00:01:47,624 --> 00:01:49,126 Are you T-shirt Rick now? 36 00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:50,919 [Rick] Psst. Over here, butt fart. 37 00:01:51,002 --> 00:01:52,796 - Oh, that was awesome! - Right? 38 00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:55,549 Rick, you know you've been so great the last couple months. 39 00:01:55,632 --> 00:01:57,968 The family's so happy, I'm really grateful. 40 00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:00,554 Aw, thanks, kid, but less talk more melon slaying. 41 00:02:00,637 --> 00:02:01,471 Heads up! 42 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:02,556 Whoops! 43 00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,520 - Shit, open it, Rick! - Let me do it! 44 00:02:08,603 --> 00:02:10,480 - Get up... Fucking move! - Hurry! 45 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:12,399 Oh, whoa! Whoa, whoa! 46 00:02:12,482 --> 00:02:15,819 You dropped it perfectly vertical, Morty. Perfectly fucking vertical! 47 00:02:15,902 --> 00:02:18,405 - I got it, I got it, aw! - Oh, shit. 48 00:02:19,656 --> 00:02:21,199 - Shit. - Elevator. Elevator. 49 00:02:21,283 --> 00:02:23,201 We gotta get ahead of it. Level ten? 50 00:02:23,285 --> 00:02:24,494 No, no, no, 15. 51 00:02:25,537 --> 00:02:26,830 [elevator beeping] 52 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,169 Wait, we live over a cool sushi spot? 53 00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:35,338 - [speaking Japanese] - Domo. Domo. Not now, though. 54 00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,841 Okay, we overshot it. Good problem to have. 55 00:02:37,924 --> 00:02:40,177 - Still doing the eel roll? - We should've gone to ten. 56 00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:41,511 No, Morty, not ten. 57 00:02:42,137 --> 00:02:44,055 - Morty, wait, wait. - Cut it out. 58 00:02:46,183 --> 00:02:47,017 What the fuck? 59 00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:51,855 - Rick? - You dumb fucking robot. 60 00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:54,733 - You had one job. - That job was to be a good grandpa. 61 00:02:54,816 --> 00:02:56,860 - I go where the kid goes. - Don't touch me. 62 00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:59,571 How long have I... You said you weren't a robot. 63 00:02:59,654 --> 00:03:01,072 It killed me to lie to you. 64 00:03:01,156 --> 00:03:03,492 But it would have literally killed me not to lie to you. 65 00:03:03,575 --> 00:03:05,202 Betrayal. Betrayal on all sides. 66 00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:06,328 Don't overreact. 67 00:03:06,411 --> 00:03:09,873 I replaced myself towards the beginning of that whole Knights of the Sun thing. 68 00:03:09,956 --> 00:03:13,001 I'm no good to anybody till I resolve this arch-nemesis crap. 69 00:03:13,084 --> 00:03:15,086 You're hunting the guy who killed your wife? 70 00:03:15,170 --> 00:03:18,298 You don't have to rub it in, that's why I removed myself. 71 00:03:18,381 --> 00:03:21,510 I've become the thing I hate. It's like a Netflix drama down here, 72 00:03:21,593 --> 00:03:25,096 and I don't mean an accidentally good one, I mean a regular-ass Netflix drama. 73 00:03:25,180 --> 00:03:26,598 I did you a favor. 74 00:03:30,602 --> 00:03:33,021 You gave him a fucking lightsaber for Christmas? 75 00:03:33,104 --> 00:03:36,733 It's almost like someone designed me to be 22% more thoughtful than you. 76 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:37,943 I'm shutting you down. 77 00:03:38,026 --> 00:03:40,904 Don't you dare. You've done enough. The whole family. 78 00:03:40,987 --> 00:03:42,781 Everybody loves this thing. 79 00:03:42,864 --> 00:03:43,698 Oh, good. 80 00:03:43,782 --> 00:03:46,117 Your lightsaber's probably run out of sub-basement 81 00:03:46,201 --> 00:03:49,037 - by now, so, congrats. - Unbelievable. 82 00:03:50,455 --> 00:03:52,249 I can't believe you tricked us into loving you. 83 00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:54,709 Not because I like it, because it's my job. 84 00:03:54,793 --> 00:03:58,672 - Thank God I don't have to do it anymore. - The fuck you don't. It's Christmas! 85 00:03:58,755 --> 00:04:01,341 Get up there and trick everyone into loving you more. 86 00:04:01,424 --> 00:04:03,134 Let's get our miracle on. 87 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:07,097 - Speaking of miracles... - What, bored of your toy already? 88 00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:09,766 Just, uh, excited to spend time with my family. 89 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:13,270 You know me and Morty, we're all about those streets. 90 00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:15,313 Would you look at this? New York City. 91 00:04:15,397 --> 00:04:17,691 Wow, who would've thought it had so many streets? 92 00:04:17,774 --> 00:04:19,651 And avenues too. Oh, gosh. 93 00:04:19,734 --> 00:04:21,862 Hey, sir. Sir, have you seen any miracles? 94 00:04:21,945 --> 00:04:25,073 - My little girl, she's sick and she needs a miracle. - [helicopter whirring] 95 00:04:25,156 --> 00:04:27,284 The Presidential Blackhawk is landing on the lawn. 96 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:28,577 [Morty] I'll get rid of him. 97 00:04:30,287 --> 00:04:32,289 You got something to tell me, Morty? 98 00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:33,665 Merry Christmas? 99 00:04:33,748 --> 00:04:36,167 Who dropped a lightsaber perfectly fucking vertical? 100 00:04:36,251 --> 00:04:37,752 Oh, shit. 101 00:04:37,836 --> 00:04:40,338 Guess what. It's a mile deep and still going. 102 00:04:40,422 --> 00:04:42,799 - You know what's in the hilt of that? - Kyber crystals. 103 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:45,802 Okay, nerd. Whatever it is, when it hits the core, 104 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,305 it's gonna cause a chain reaction that destroys the Earth. 105 00:04:48,388 --> 00:04:49,306 It is? 106 00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:52,475 Why are you still playing with laser swords? You're 14. 107 00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:54,603 You know all that Star Wars shit is silly, right? 108 00:04:54,686 --> 00:04:58,440 Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades, then, when he delivered, fans turned on him 109 00:04:58,523 --> 00:05:00,859 and started giving any knucklehead with nerd cred a shot 110 00:05:00,942 --> 00:05:03,069 and churned out these irredeemable cash grabs. 111 00:05:03,153 --> 00:05:05,113 Half pretend to be satisfied, half shit on it 112 00:05:05,196 --> 00:05:08,283 and in the end no one's happy. Do you know why, Morty? 113 00:05:08,366 --> 00:05:11,578 Because when you start with a turd, you end with a turd. 114 00:05:11,661 --> 00:05:12,662 [Morty sobbing] 115 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,664 Why you crying? Where's Rick? 116 00:05:16,124 --> 00:05:18,627 He's busy. And I hate him. 117 00:05:18,710 --> 00:05:21,379 And I lost my lightsaber and now it might destroy Earth 118 00:05:21,463 --> 00:05:24,257 and you're unloading all this Gen X hatred on me for wanting one 119 00:05:24,341 --> 00:05:27,719 - and it's the worst Christmas ever. - Okay, Morty, Morty, Morty. 120 00:05:27,802 --> 00:05:30,305 I shouldn't have talked to you like you're a UN official. 121 00:05:30,388 --> 00:05:34,434 Let's get your embarrassing lightsaber back so you can swing it around instead of kissing girls. 122 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,563 Whoa. You found me. Found me. Found me. 123 00:05:46,655 --> 00:05:49,032 - [computer] Security breach. - What the hell? 124 00:05:49,115 --> 00:05:52,035 - Unauthorized presence. - What the fuck, Morty? 125 00:05:53,203 --> 00:05:57,165 This morning, a real life version of George Lucas's trademarked lightsaber 126 00:05:57,248 --> 00:06:00,460 was dropped point down and is whomp-Whomping its way to the core of the Earth 127 00:06:00,543 --> 00:06:02,587 where it will blow us all up. 128 00:06:04,422 --> 00:06:05,590 Touch my shit and die. 129 00:06:05,674 --> 00:06:08,176 That's not a threat from me, that's how advanced my shit is. 130 00:06:08,259 --> 00:06:10,178 Impressive lair, Sanchez. 131 00:06:10,261 --> 00:06:11,721 Got about 600,000 permits? 132 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:14,182 If I wanted the government in my house, I'd buy an Alexa. 133 00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:16,977 - I invited him in, Rick. - Yeah, well, they can leave. 134 00:06:17,060 --> 00:06:18,061 I'll destroy it. 135 00:06:18,144 --> 00:06:20,271 - We're gonna retrieve it. - That's stupid. 136 00:06:20,355 --> 00:06:23,400 What kind of grandfather are you? It's Christmas, for God's sake, 137 00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:26,069 and you look like Phil Spector wiped his ass with Randy Quaid. 138 00:06:26,152 --> 00:06:28,655 If you're gonna help, help, otherwise step aside. 139 00:06:28,738 --> 00:06:29,990 Merry Christmas to me. 140 00:06:30,073 --> 00:06:31,741 - Merry Christmas to me! - [Rick] To me. 141 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:34,661 Anyhoo, I'm no expert but it seems we've got a... 142 00:06:35,245 --> 00:06:37,664 A certain amount of time to build a big drill ship. 143 00:06:37,747 --> 00:06:39,249 A big drill ship? 144 00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:41,292 That's some loud stepping aside you're doing. 145 00:06:41,376 --> 00:06:43,712 - Let me destroy the thing. - You've destroyed enough. 146 00:06:43,795 --> 00:06:45,171 [crowd] Ooh. 147 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:46,673 [screams] 148 00:06:46,756 --> 00:06:50,093 Oh, I see someone found my Told-ya-so Dispenser. 149 00:06:50,176 --> 00:06:52,262 Oh, my God, look at all these streets. 150 00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:57,642 We got 34th Street. 35th Street. Oh, 36th Street coming too. 151 00:06:57,726 --> 00:07:01,396 Oh, it's a miracle. We got miracles on 37th Street. 152 00:07:01,479 --> 00:07:04,941 38th, and don't even get me started on the avenues. 153 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,651 I can't believe they cut this. 154 00:07:06,735 --> 00:07:07,694 Mm-hm. 155 00:07:07,777 --> 00:07:11,698 Dad. You've been so great lately. I'm almost afraid it's not real. 156 00:07:11,781 --> 00:07:13,658 You're not a robot, are you? 157 00:07:13,742 --> 00:07:15,118 Ha. Put it this way, honey. 158 00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:19,539 If I am, I'm a robot programmed to love you very, very much. 159 00:07:19,622 --> 00:07:20,707 [all] Aw. 160 00:07:22,917 --> 00:07:25,503 Will this drill down fast enough to get under the lightsaber? 161 00:07:25,587 --> 00:07:28,298 Yep. It will be under the lightsaber in one hour... 162 00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:31,176 Wait, it's lower now. Oh, right, it's moving. 163 00:07:31,259 --> 00:07:33,261 You fucking idiot. Get out of here. 164 00:07:33,344 --> 00:07:36,222 Good luck finding a good scientist on Christmas. 165 00:07:36,306 --> 00:07:38,683 I'm president of the United Assholes. 166 00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:39,601 [Rick whistling] 167 00:07:39,684 --> 00:07:42,979 All right, genius, I give you permission to make our drill ship faster. 168 00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:45,565 I'm not touching that thing. I'll get neurotypical cooties. 169 00:07:45,648 --> 00:07:47,525 I have son-in-laws more imaginative. 170 00:07:47,609 --> 00:07:49,652 All right, just destroy the lightsaber. 171 00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:52,530 Thought you'd never ask. Not true, I knew you'd ask. 172 00:07:53,156 --> 00:07:54,741 - What is that? - A second lightsaber 173 00:07:54,824 --> 00:07:57,243 with an Al-controlled gyroscopic rocket in the hilt. 174 00:07:57,327 --> 00:07:59,829 - You had a lightsaber? - Oh, did you want one? 175 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:02,332 What a terrible gift that would have made. 176 00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:04,417 Vertisaber, state your prime directive. 177 00:08:04,501 --> 00:08:07,003 - To stay vertical. - Then show 'em how it's done. 178 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,088 Affirmative. 179 00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:11,049 - Yeah! - America! 180 00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,720 Maintain verticality, Vertisaber. 181 00:08:16,304 --> 00:08:17,555 [Vertisaber] Affirmative. 182 00:08:17,972 --> 00:08:19,849 All right, looking good. Stay on target. 183 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:20,850 Uh-huh. 184 00:08:22,727 --> 00:08:23,686 Progress report. 185 00:08:25,063 --> 00:08:28,358 - Vertisaber? Do you copy? - Do I have to respond every time? 186 00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:29,275 Excuse me? 187 00:08:29,359 --> 00:08:31,236 I'm designed to stay perfectly vertical, 188 00:08:31,319 --> 00:08:34,155 not to give constant affirmation. You do your job I'll do mine. 189 00:08:34,239 --> 00:08:35,073 I control you. 190 00:08:35,156 --> 00:08:38,451 Okay, I'll just turn off my brain and you can do that, bye. 191 00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:40,411 Fucking kidding me? Shit. 192 00:08:40,495 --> 00:08:43,706 - Trajectory's drifting, sir. - Where is it coming out? 193 00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:45,416 Looks like Italy, sir. 194 00:08:47,001 --> 00:08:48,419 [all gasp] 195 00:08:48,503 --> 00:08:49,838 That could've been worse. 196 00:08:56,010 --> 00:08:59,347 Well, uh, that is definitely not a more. 197 00:08:59,430 --> 00:09:01,975 - Way to show us how it's done, Rick. - Whatever. 198 00:09:02,058 --> 00:09:04,644 - Italian prime minister on line one. - Put him on hold. 199 00:09:04,727 --> 00:09:07,730 We can pin this on the Saudis. This is something they'd do. 200 00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:11,109 They may as well have done it. They did do it. 201 00:09:11,776 --> 00:09:14,529 [Fred] Oh, there's another miracle at the end of the intersection 202 00:09:14,612 --> 00:09:18,074 of 401st Boulevard and 7,000 Street. 203 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,410 That's a miracle per block so far, 204 00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:22,954 Okay, even I'm nearing my limit. 205 00:09:23,037 --> 00:09:24,497 Let's play a Christmas game. 206 00:09:25,039 --> 00:09:29,210 Oh, um, have you guys ever played "Are You a Robot?" 207 00:09:29,294 --> 00:09:32,380 Each person here has to decide whether or not they're a robot. 208 00:09:32,463 --> 00:09:34,215 - [Jerry] Never played that. - [Summer] Yes! 209 00:09:34,299 --> 00:09:36,301 Don't say it out loud. 'Cause if you're a robot, 210 00:09:36,384 --> 00:09:38,511 you're not allowed to say you are, that's the rule. 211 00:09:38,595 --> 00:09:41,055 That's the horrible, painful thing about being a robot. 212 00:09:41,139 --> 00:09:43,641 But you do have to answer everyone's questions. 213 00:09:43,725 --> 00:09:46,561 And it's their jobs to decide whether you are or aren't a robot 214 00:09:46,644 --> 00:09:48,730 because if you are a robot, you can't say. 215 00:09:48,813 --> 00:09:52,400 You're not allowed to say at all. I'll go first. Uh, question? 216 00:09:52,483 --> 00:09:55,904 Ooh! Uh, are you a robot? Can I just ask that? 217 00:09:55,987 --> 00:10:00,283 You can. But don't forget that if I am, I have to lie even though I don't want to. 218 00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,994 - More questions? - Can you feel things? 219 00:10:03,077 --> 00:10:05,538 Oh, fuck yes. Yes. That's the problem. 220 00:10:05,622 --> 00:10:08,917 If I'm a robot, which I'm not, don't forget I have to say that, 221 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:13,213 but yes, yes, I feel so much, I'm filled with love for certain people, 222 00:10:13,296 --> 00:10:14,923 but also filled with shame 223 00:10:15,006 --> 00:10:18,051 if I'm programmed to deceive them, but that's a big if. 224 00:10:18,134 --> 00:10:20,303 - What's your skeleton made of? - Titanium. 225 00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:21,596 - You're a robot. - Yes. 226 00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:22,722 No. 227 00:10:22,805 --> 00:10:24,724 But that's what a robot would say. 228 00:10:24,807 --> 00:10:25,808 So you get the idea. 229 00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:27,393 - Whoo! - Suck it, bitches! 230 00:10:27,477 --> 00:10:29,979 This is fun. I've always been afraid to let my guard down 231 00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:31,731 and have stupid family fun like this 232 00:10:31,814 --> 00:10:34,734 but Grandpa Rick is making me learn to be vulnerable. 233 00:10:34,817 --> 00:10:36,069 - Me too. - Right on. 234 00:10:36,819 --> 00:10:37,904 [alarm blaring] 235 00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:43,076 Your derivative drill ship is now faster than a lightsaber. 236 00:10:43,159 --> 00:10:46,079 - You want front or back? - Who says the two of us are going? 237 00:10:46,162 --> 00:10:49,082 - You didn't want to... - For fuck's sake, bye, good luck. 238 00:10:49,165 --> 00:10:51,501 - Don't blow up my planet. - You act like you're the one 239 00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:54,128 - that got stabbed in the back. - I am the one. 240 00:10:54,212 --> 00:10:57,924 You wanna know why I replaced myself in the beginning of that Knights of the Sun thing? 241 00:10:58,007 --> 00:11:01,261 I said don't take the fucking sword and you were like, "Whatever," 242 00:11:01,344 --> 00:11:04,222 like I'm our neighbor Gene or David Arquette or something. 243 00:11:04,305 --> 00:11:06,849 You called me boring. I've become dog shit to you. 244 00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:09,936 That's what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you. 245 00:11:10,019 --> 00:11:12,939 They touch your shit, they kill your fucking family. 246 00:11:13,022 --> 00:11:16,109 Trust him. You're going to learn the same fucking thing. 247 00:11:17,652 --> 00:11:21,614 I am not going to kill your family, Morty. 248 00:11:21,698 --> 00:11:22,824 That means a lot. 249 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,081 In case this goes south, any last words, Morty? 250 00:11:30,164 --> 00:11:31,916 I've never been old enough to vote, 251 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,919 - but when I am, I'll vote for you. - Thanks, Morty. 252 00:11:35,003 --> 00:11:35,920 Every vote counts. 253 00:11:36,004 --> 00:11:37,797 I can have them legally change your age. 254 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,842 Uh, no, I'm not in any hurry to get into that shit show. 255 00:11:40,925 --> 00:11:45,138 [man] Approaching the lightsaber in T-minus... Shit, now, T-minus-now. 256 00:11:45,221 --> 00:11:47,348 I missed countdown day at the academy. 257 00:11:47,432 --> 00:11:48,558 Now or never, Morty. 258 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,397 - There it is! - Reverse the jets. 259 00:11:56,024 --> 00:11:57,025 I got this. 260 00:11:59,402 --> 00:12:01,487 No. I do! 261 00:12:01,571 --> 00:12:04,157 Morty, you magnificent little bastard. 262 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,658 Let's get this thing topside. 263 00:12:05,742 --> 00:12:06,743 [all cheering] 264 00:12:09,454 --> 00:12:11,372 May the Force be with me. 265 00:12:11,456 --> 00:12:13,458 I think you mean with me. 266 00:12:13,541 --> 00:12:15,126 What? You hate Star Wars. 267 00:12:15,209 --> 00:12:17,128 I was your age when this shit was in theaters. 268 00:12:17,211 --> 00:12:18,921 This franchise raised me, 269 00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:20,673 trained me, taught me good from evil, 270 00:12:20,757 --> 00:12:22,467 made having a bad father empowering. 271 00:12:22,550 --> 00:12:25,470 And when that third movie got all muppety... 272 00:12:25,553 --> 00:12:29,265 something in me began to rot, but make no mistake, child. 273 00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,100 I own Star Wars. Not you. 274 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,269 Not that bubble throat, pompadour fuck, 275 00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:36,856 not some Mickey Mouse shit machine. They didn't pay the price with their souls. 276 00:12:36,939 --> 00:12:39,484 I did. I earned this. Not you. 277 00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:42,987 America. Transform and roll out. 278 00:12:43,071 --> 00:12:44,364 Bastard! 279 00:12:50,078 --> 00:12:53,956 Rick. I would be honored if you would carve the ham this year. 280 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,167 - Whoa. Dad. That's... - Unheard of? 281 00:12:56,250 --> 00:12:57,668 You're quite right, Summer. 282 00:12:57,752 --> 00:13:02,048 It's my way of saying I see your mom's father as my father too. 283 00:13:02,131 --> 00:13:05,009 Oh, Jerry, why don't you cut it? 284 00:13:05,093 --> 00:13:06,594 What the hell are you doing? 285 00:13:06,677 --> 00:13:09,806 He's like adopting you into his biological family, Grandpa. 286 00:13:10,515 --> 00:13:12,266 Morty, I am sure glad to see you. 287 00:13:12,350 --> 00:13:14,560 You ready to tag your old grandpa back in? 288 00:13:14,644 --> 00:13:16,938 You're not my grandpa, you're a fucking robot. 289 00:13:23,861 --> 00:13:25,822 Ugh. Finally. 290 00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:31,369 ♪ The first Noel ♪ 291 00:13:31,452 --> 00:13:36,707 ♪ The angels did say ♪ 292 00:13:36,791 --> 00:13:41,671 ♪ Was to certain poor shepherds ♪ 293 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:47,051 ♪ In fields as they lay ♪ 294 00:13:49,804 --> 00:13:52,306 Okay, okay, okay. 295 00:13:53,808 --> 00:13:55,059 [groans] 296 00:13:57,770 --> 00:14:00,857 - Summer, do you have any drugs? - Are you serious? 297 00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:01,899 I guess not. 298 00:14:01,983 --> 00:14:04,318 I'm just glad I'm not the one that ruined Christmas. 299 00:14:04,402 --> 00:14:06,571 - People of Earth. - Hmm, that's never good. 300 00:14:06,654 --> 00:14:10,575 I'm not here to play the blame game, but Morty Smith got a lightsaber for Christmas, 301 00:14:10,658 --> 00:14:14,370 dropped it, and it's now heading for the Earth's core again... For the first time. 302 00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:16,205 Son of a bitch. He played with it! 303 00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:19,167 If it does reach the core, it will blow all of you up. 304 00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:22,837 I mean, all of us up. But don't abandon hope. 305 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,006 We're doing everything we can to stop it 306 00:14:25,089 --> 00:14:28,718 and only if that fails, will we launch the White House into space. 307 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,473 Welp, I'm busted. Clearly in space already. 308 00:14:33,556 --> 00:14:35,391 - You did ruin Christmas. - Nuh-uh. 309 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:38,895 He stole my lightsaber and must've dropped it. A second time. 310 00:14:38,978 --> 00:14:40,897 Does that mean you stopped it a first time? 311 00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:42,565 - How? - A drill ship. 312 00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:44,859 A drill ship? Awesome. 313 00:14:44,942 --> 00:14:47,069 It was, but the government took it with them. 314 00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:50,448 Then we lean on the only asshole smart enough to make another one. 315 00:14:50,531 --> 00:14:51,699 But Rick's gone. 316 00:14:51,782 --> 00:14:53,868 And I'm not sure he's ever coming back. 317 00:14:53,951 --> 00:14:56,120 Then let's settle for the next best thing. 318 00:14:57,663 --> 00:15:00,500 Oh, fuck, just let me die. Turn me off. 319 00:15:00,583 --> 00:15:03,920 Not that I can be turned off, because I'm obviously not a robot. 320 00:15:07,632 --> 00:15:08,758 [beeping] 321 00:15:26,275 --> 00:15:27,944 Fuck yeah. I got you. 322 00:15:29,278 --> 00:15:30,780 Okay, I can work with that. 323 00:15:33,616 --> 00:15:35,034 [shouting] 324 00:15:37,328 --> 00:15:40,122 What do you mean the White House chef was grocery shopping? 325 00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:42,833 Well, do you know how to make an egg? You do? 326 00:15:42,917 --> 00:15:44,085 Everyone does? 327 00:15:44,835 --> 00:15:47,964 Good news, sir. The lightsaber was intercepted before it hit the core. 328 00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:49,382 All right, here we go. 329 00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,677 I don't suppose you could send it up here. 330 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,679 Uh, who intercepted it anyway? 331 00:15:54,762 --> 00:15:56,138 [man] That's the bad news. 332 00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:58,516 That is bad news. 333 00:16:03,145 --> 00:16:05,314 Hey, Mr. P. Drop something? 334 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:06,232 Morty! 335 00:16:06,315 --> 00:16:09,777 I see you and, uh, Rick patched things up, that's nice. 336 00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:12,446 The real Rick and I have never been worse thanks to that wedge 337 00:16:12,530 --> 00:16:14,532 you drove between us to get that lightsaber. 338 00:16:14,615 --> 00:16:16,701 Yeah, well, looks like you got it back. 339 00:16:16,784 --> 00:16:19,620 Your journey is complete. As a nerd. 340 00:16:19,704 --> 00:16:22,540 You're the nerd. You can't say all that crazy shit about Star Wars 341 00:16:22,623 --> 00:16:24,292 and then act like you're cool. 342 00:16:24,375 --> 00:16:27,420 Oh, really? Would a person who wasn't cool have one of these? 343 00:16:27,503 --> 00:16:28,796 I think so? 344 00:16:28,879 --> 00:16:30,506 Slowly closing door, slide. 345 00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:34,010 Oh, no, I'm not gonna make it. 346 00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:36,929 What a shame to be put out of my misery again. 347 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:38,681 Aw, man. 348 00:16:43,811 --> 00:16:46,564 [Morty] What the hell? Was this always part of the White House? 349 00:16:46,647 --> 00:16:50,192 Carter built it with his own two hands. Reagan tried to destroy it. 350 00:16:50,276 --> 00:16:52,695 George W added kegs to the cantina. 351 00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:55,865 But only I saw its true value. 352 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:58,951 Mr. President. You need to come home and tell the people the truth. 353 00:16:59,035 --> 00:17:02,204 The fuck I do! Droids, get that saber. 354 00:17:03,664 --> 00:17:06,375 Give it a minute. Usually comes out on the fourth try. 355 00:17:07,084 --> 00:17:11,213 All right, here we go. Look at 'em: lightsaber hands! 356 00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:12,715 Tell me that's not cool. 357 00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:15,926 It's not. I always wanted to fight with a lightsaber, but not like this. 358 00:17:16,010 --> 00:17:18,429 - You ruined it. - Disney ruined it! 359 00:17:18,512 --> 00:17:21,599 You think I want 30 low-rent TV series with bad CGI? 360 00:17:21,682 --> 00:17:24,727 They film everything on that one big green screen. 361 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:27,647 - Like you've got better ideas. - I've got a million. 362 00:17:27,730 --> 00:17:31,317 Here's one: a robot with lightsabers for eyes. 363 00:17:39,825 --> 00:17:41,535 Goddamn it, he can't see. 364 00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:45,331 It was a good idea otherwise. 365 00:17:45,414 --> 00:17:48,584 Uh, admit it, you were intimidated. 366 00:17:50,711 --> 00:17:51,587 Now, Morty... 367 00:17:55,257 --> 00:17:58,135 Come on, put down the lightsaber gatling gun. 368 00:17:58,219 --> 00:17:59,303 We had our fun, right? 369 00:18:00,471 --> 00:18:02,973 Star Wars rules say you have to forgive me. 370 00:18:03,057 --> 00:18:04,934 I'm done with that and I'm done with you! 371 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,478 - Morty. No! - Rick bot! 372 00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:09,939 He sacrificed his life for me. 373 00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:12,983 Yeah, don't be too touched. He's actively trying to die. 374 00:18:13,484 --> 00:18:16,028 Ugh. It's okay, it doesn't hurt. 375 00:18:17,113 --> 00:18:20,741 Oh, God, they're sliding, Morty. They're sliding! They're sliding! 376 00:18:21,325 --> 00:18:27,748 ♪ The first Noel, the angels... ♪ 377 00:18:27,832 --> 00:18:30,167 Perfectly fucking vertical. 378 00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:32,545 [alarm blaring] 379 00:18:36,674 --> 00:18:39,468 Save yourself, Morty. Rick can build another me! 380 00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:43,222 - If I was a robot, which I'm not. - I don't want another you. 381 00:18:44,849 --> 00:18:46,058 No! 382 00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:54,024 - Rick? You came to help. - Better tend to your lil toaster. 383 00:18:54,108 --> 00:18:55,401 [coughing and gurgling] 384 00:18:55,943 --> 00:18:57,445 I'm coughing up oil, Morty. 385 00:18:57,528 --> 00:19:00,030 Oh, Rick bot, I never should've pushed you away. 386 00:19:00,114 --> 00:19:03,492 - You were so great. - Of course I'm great, I'm Rick. 387 00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:07,288 Rick literally built me to make you happy, Morty. 388 00:19:07,371 --> 00:19:10,166 Anything I do is technically something Rick did. 389 00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:14,837 But maybe he can do a little more himself. 390 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:19,008 - God, how long do you take to die? - Goodbye, Morty. 391 00:19:20,050 --> 00:19:21,177 [powering down] 392 00:19:22,011 --> 00:19:23,929 Ugh. Jesus. 393 00:19:25,389 --> 00:19:26,474 Rick, uh... 394 00:19:26,932 --> 00:19:30,060 I guess this is a bad time to ask for a new White House? 395 00:19:31,729 --> 00:19:33,773 Morty, would you mind calling me an Uber? 396 00:19:34,857 --> 00:19:35,941 Right, well, uh... 397 00:19:36,734 --> 00:19:38,194 Merry Christmas. [chuckles] 398 00:19:38,986 --> 00:19:41,947 I guess I'll go watch a guy scream about streets with the family. 399 00:19:42,031 --> 00:19:43,657 Also, you need to shower. 400 00:19:43,741 --> 00:19:46,202 Hey. Maybe the robot's right. 401 00:19:46,285 --> 00:19:48,287 I should have included you in my shit. 402 00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:51,207 You can help me if you want. 403 00:19:55,419 --> 00:19:58,380 Wow, are those all the places Rick Prime could be? 404 00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:01,300 I wish, Morty. It's all the places he is. 405 00:20:01,383 --> 00:20:03,886 - Oh, jeez. - Welcome to my darkness. 406 00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:06,263 I spent my life hunting this guy, Morty. 407 00:20:06,347 --> 00:20:10,184 This is the closest I've ever been to catching Rick Prime. It's impossible. 408 00:20:10,267 --> 00:20:12,436 He's an incredibly crafty piece of shit. 409 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:15,981 Hunting him destroyed me, Morty. But now we're gonna do it together. 410 00:20:16,065 --> 00:20:18,567 You and me. It's gonna take over your life, Morty. 411 00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:21,028 Rick and Morty, Season 7, hunting my nemesis. 412 00:20:21,111 --> 00:20:22,947 Maybe trying to stay healthy while doing it. 413 00:20:23,030 --> 00:20:25,199 Juggling plates. Not every episode, Morty. 414 00:20:25,282 --> 00:20:29,036 It could be all happening in the background. Who knows? You know, no one will. Except us. 415 00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:30,663 It's the most painful shit 416 00:20:30,746 --> 00:20:33,165 I've ever had to deal with and I'm bringing you into it. 417 00:20:33,249 --> 00:20:35,960 Because you asked for it, Morty. You and me, Morty. 418 00:20:36,335 --> 00:20:37,753 [theme music playing] 419 00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:11,871 Ooh-wee. What a season, huh? Rick Prime. Therapy. 420 00:21:11,954 --> 00:21:14,915 And that thing we did with Roy, remember that? 421 00:21:15,791 --> 00:21:17,001 Sorry I wasn't around, 422 00:21:17,084 --> 00:21:19,378 been busy getting my little poopy butt in shape. 423 00:21:19,461 --> 00:21:21,088 Been toning and boning. 424 00:21:22,214 --> 00:21:24,925 You might think I'm over-compensating for the emptiness 425 00:21:25,009 --> 00:21:26,719 after Amy left with Poopy Jr, 426 00:21:26,802 --> 00:21:30,431 but my trainer Carl says the best way to get over a girl 427 00:21:30,514 --> 00:21:33,058 is to get under a 300-pound squat. 428 00:21:33,142 --> 00:21:34,310 Damn right. 429 00:21:34,393 --> 00:21:37,104 Ah. Ooh-wee, that's the good stuff. 430 00:21:39,690 --> 00:21:42,902 Oh, sugar, oh, sugar, oh, sugar! Is it bad? 431 00:21:42,985 --> 00:21:44,862 Oh! It seems really bad, isn't it? 432 00:21:44,945 --> 00:21:46,030 [groaning] 433 00:21:46,739 --> 00:21:50,034 Someone call Amy, tell her I need her. Tell her I love her. 434 00:21:50,117 --> 00:21:52,786 Not my phone, she blocked me, use yours. 435 00:21:52,870 --> 00:21:53,913 Ooh-wee. 436 00:21:53,996 --> 00:21:55,456 I am broken.