Okay, there I am at my roommate's bandmate's funeral thinking,
"Whoa, like, what if I can die?"
And just when I found out I'm a cinephile?
Anyway, that's why I'm busy writing this movie.
So don't bother calling.
This is your son, by the way.
Young Neil.
I've written nothing?
What?
My sleep paralysis demon?
I wrote a feature-length screenplay in my sleep.
I'm a screenwriter!
You changed your hair. What's up, Ramona?
Nothing major.
Just, somebody kidnapped Scott Pilgrim and faked his death.
You're f****** joking.
Stacey, I'm taking my fifteen.
You took your fifteen 20 minutes ago!
And would you stop swearing? We have f******* customers!
F*** my life!
Tell me everything.
Last night, in my dreams, I saw Scott's subspace highway...
and heard his voice.
Ramona...
Subspace what?
It doesn't matter.
I think it means he's alive.
So I went back to The Rockit to look at the security footage
of what we thought was Scott's death.
Someone grabbed him and pulled him into a portal.
Somebody wants us to think he's dead.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Can a guy get a croissant?
Wallace? Have you been out all night?
- Did you say Scott's alive? - Yeah.
Trippy.
Well, if you see him, tell him I changed the locks.
And if you see me, remind me to change the locks.
Your sugar daddy days are over?
For him, absolutely.
For others, we'll see.
The future is a mystery.
Here's your f****** croissant!
Ladies.
So why would someone kidnap Scott?
And why would they get my hopes up by making it seem like he was dead?
I haven't figured that out yet.
Yet?
Don't tell me you're gonna try to find him.
I think I have to.
Ramona, I don't see how any of this is your responsibility.
You went on one date. How good could it have been?
Honestly, great.
Your date with Scott Pilgrim?
Yikes.
Well, more power to you.
So what's your next move, Columbo?
Well, you know everyone, right?
I thought you could give me a rundown of the major characters in Scott's life.
More like major suspects.
Well, let's see. There's Stephen Stills.
My ex, the singer in the band.
He's a mess. Too much anxiety for even the simplest decisions.
No way could he mastermind a kidnapping.
Then there's Stephen's roommate, Young Neil.
He's kinda sheltered, and he's only 19, but don't let that fool you.
He's an idiot. He'd make Scott look like a genius,
but he can't, because that's literally impossible.
What about Envy Adams?
Oh boy! Scott's ex. The big one...
Excuse me. I asked for an iced Americano. This is a hot Americano...
Then add some ice cubes to it!
You stupid f***.
As I was saying, Envy Adams pulled Scott's heart out of his chest
and stomped all over it with her patent leather combat boots.
And that was before she went on to become a global sex symbol.
I saw her do her thing at the funeral.
She's even hotter in person.
Are we sure they dated?
Yeah, you're obviously not the only one with questionable taste, Ramona.
Who else?
You know who you should talk to? His other ex.
- She's known him longer than anyone. - Okay. Who is she?
What is Sex Bob-omb without Scott?
He really added something to our sound, something undefinable.
Bass. He added bass.
Right! Exactly!
Can we have a band with no bass?
What if we find a new bass player and they make us worse?
The odds are they'd make us better because we probably sucked.
There's always Scott's understudy.
No! I fear change!
Hey, you wanna try playing something together?
Just for fun?
Me and you?
I don't see anyone else in here.
How long have you been playing the drums?
A long time. Since I was 14.
Drumming is a great outlet for my emotions.
- Rage, mostly. - Wow!
But how do I know which notes to play?
It's up to you. That's why they call it "play."
Whoa!
How long have you been playing bass?
What time is it?
4 p.m.
Then, four hours.
I'm late for work.
Have you ever thought about collaborating with a seasoned songwriter?
- Sorry, I'm late. - I don't care.
Kim, customer.
{n8}Funny thought.
{n8}Maybe he faked his own death to get out of paying his late fees.
{n8}You're half right.
{n8}Which half?
{n8}He's not dead.
{n8}The house always wins.
It's just a dumb thing a dumb person told me one time.
So. You've been using Scott's unconscious dreamscape
to deliver DVDs quicker?
You're the first person in Canada to understand that.
It's not a complicated concept.
No wonder you're putting us out of business.
- Canada? - No, video stores.
Julie said you knew him the longest. When did you meet?
You told me you were good at drawing.
Maps are hard.
If I had to draw a sheep, though, I'd draw it perfect.
A sheep?
Draw me a sheep.
That's the worst sheep I've ever seen.
What are you talking about? This sheep is excellent!
He was always an idiot.
But one thing led to another, and to my continued embarrassment,
Scott Pilgrim became my first boyfriend.
Is Scott drawing you a sheep your most romantic memory, or...
There was this one time I was kidnapped by a rival school,
and Scott had to fight through an entire army of teen jerks
and their leader Simon Lee to rescue me.
That's a romantic memory.
Yeah, but how romantic can a memory be if things ended terribly?
Well, you're still friends.
That's gotta be a good sign.
He's at least a lovable idiot, right?
You like him, don't you?
There were sparks.
You're in trouble.
Why does this always happen to me?
I don't know. Maybe you could ask one of your seven evil exes?
I kinda assumed they'd be your first suspects.
I'm not in a hurry to see them.
What?
Sounds like Hollie's taking care of it.
Kim! Customer!
This is unexpected.
Well, you better get better at expecting.
You two know each other?
We were college roommates.
And more!
And more.
So, you're...
Roxie Richter! Ramona's fourth evil ex!
Okay!
Fourth? What about two and three?
Four ain't nothing but a number, baby.
Besides, the League lies in ruin.
So here I am!
Rox you like a hurricane!
Why are you even...
I'm here for us, Ramona.
First in line to win your heart.
Because I have something the others never will.
Which is what, exactly?
Emotional intelligence.
None of these boys know how to talk about their feelings.
What you fail to mention is that when it comes to feelings,
you're as clueless as the boys.
That is so unfair! You're just impossible to talk to!
You want to talk about feelings? Start talking.
I've got a better idea.
Let's fight about 'em!
{n8}Roxie Richter versus Ramona Flowers!
{n8}Fight!
Whoa!
Are we really doing this again?
Ramona! You b****!
Get off!
An old movie?
Come on!
They're ruining my movie.
I'm taking my fifteen.
Ora!
You're done...
That's cheap.
I don't want to fight you, Roxie.
Gonna run away? Like you did back then?
Roxie, I...
Roxie...
I'm sorry.
For what?
For leaving the way I did.
I was too afraid to face you.
So you left without a word?
You made me feel like nothing!
You were afraid?
Good for you!
All I wanted was for you to see me!
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
But that doesn't mean I'm gonna let you win.
Roxie!
As far as I'm concerned, you won.
College doesn't seem that long ago, but we were pretty immature, weren't we?
You know, I can't remember the last time I just hung out with the girls.
This is nice.
The snacks aren't free, you know.
Come on! Fighting makes me hungry.
- You were really kicking my ass. - You're not just saying that?
I never just say anything.
Nice. Should we kiss?
I have unfinished business with Scott.
Emotional business?
He's dead, Ramona.
He's not dead. It's complicated. I've gotta find him first.
But I'd like to be your friend.
- With benefits? - No benefits.
Worth a shot.
What about you?
I'm not...
No sparks.
Worth a shot.
What about your hot coworker? Is she coming back?
Okay, it's time for you to leave.
At least I have one less suspect.
Roxie didn't know Scott was alive.
This was a productive day as far as fights are concerned.
Everybody needs closure. That's why they call it closure.
Now you're one step closer to the dumb boy of your dreams,
and you buried the hatchet with an ex.
Multitasking.
Don't tell me I'm gonna have to do this with all seven of them.
Hollywood legend Lucas Lee is one of your exes?
Unfortunately.
Damn, Ramona.
I know he's a handsome, big-chested, devil-may-care Hollywood d-bag,
but is he evil enough to kidnap a dude and fake his death?
Only one way to find out.
My mistake. I thought you were a garbage can. Sorry!
F***!
Gideon Graves? G-Man?
So you don't remember me.
Gideon Graves wasn't my birth name.
It was an identity I created.
When I moved to New York City, I left my past behind and leveled up.
But back in the day, you knew me by another name.
Gordon?
Gordon Goose from North Bay, Ontario?
Fearless.
Then you do remember me.
You may be the only one who does.
Julie, I've lost everything.
My empire is gone. My billionaire friends have shunned me.
Even my millionaire friends have turned their backs.
I couldn't even get a reservation at McDonald's.
They laughed at me when I called.
So I spent the last of my pocket money on bus fare to Toronto
just to see one sympathetic face.
Gordon,
get your butt in here.