{n8}Glendale, California.
Whatever
I went down to the beach and saw Kiki
She was all like, "Ehh" And I'm like, whatever
Then this chick comes up to me And she's all like
"Hey, aren't you that dude?" And I'm like, yeah, whatever
So later, I'm at the pool hall And this girl comes up
And she's all like, "Aww" And I'm like, yeah, whatever
'Cause this is my United States of Whatever
And this is my United States of Whatever
Lucas!
And then it's 3 a.m. I'm on the corner wearing my leather
And this dude comes up and he's like "Hey, punk!" I'm like, yeah, whatever
Lucas.
Then I'm throwing dice in the alley Officer Leroy comes up
He's like, "Hey, I thought I told you" And I'm like, yeah, whatever
One, two...
Then up comes Zafo I'm like, "Yo, Zafo. What's up?"
He's like, "Nothin'" And I'm like, "That's cool"
'Cause this is my United States of Whatever
And this is my United States of Whatever
That's my agent, fellas.
So what'd I do right this time?
I've got bad news and bad news.
Let's start with the bad.
Very well.
Lucas, between your string of box-office bombs
and reports of your toxic skater boi behavior,
this town's on the verge of saying, "See you later, boi."
You are one mistake away from movie jail!
Good thing I've got a get-out-of-jail-free card...
this smile!
You realize I can't see you, right? We're on the phone, yeah?
Lucas, you need to get your act together.
My act is acting.
You want goody-two-shoes, buy 'em at a shoe store.
Well, that's just the sort of thing that's made you nigh unemployable, isn't it?
We've got one offer for a lead role. I suggest you take it!
It's probably going to be the last one for a while!
Your flight to Toronto departs in four hours.
And remember, you must be professional at every opportunity,
or the stardom you love so much will slip through your grasp.
The stardom you love so much will slip through your grasp.
Whatever.
'Cause this is my United States of Whatever
And this is my United States of Whatever
While we appreciate your passion,
{n8}no one visits the set of a Lucas Lee movie without explicit permission.
Lucas Lee is here?
Of course he's here. What do you think our job is?
Oh man! Do you think we could have a selfie?
Young Neil?
Ramona! Love the new hair.
Have a seat. They're about to roll the camera.
Not like a bowling ball. The camera doesn't roll at all.
You learn a lot on a movie set.
Why does the set look exactly like The Rockit?
The director thinks sets are more authentic than locations.
They don't consult me on those decisions. I'm just the writer.
Of this movie?
You wrote a movie?
Yes.
You wrote a Lucas Lee movie.
Bring in first team!
Let's go.
Hey, Young Neil.
Why is Envy Adams dressed like me?
She's playing Ramona Flowers.
Okay.
Young Neil, what's the title of this movie?
Quiet on the set!
{n8}Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life.
{n8}Scene 12, take 1.
{n8}Action!
So are you a fan of Sex Bob-omb?
No, I'm kind of seeing someone in the band.
That's crazy! I am too!
So, I just want to make sure I understand what's happening here.
We're both dating Scott at the same time and don't know it?
Cut! Yes, our lead character is flawed.
You wrote an entire script about a world where Scott Pilgrim
won the fight with Matthew Patel?
Basically.
Do you know where I can find Lucas Lee?
Wait.
Who is he playing in this?
Did you know in the U.S. these are called Mario Karts?
That can't be true.
How would you know that?
I'm from the U.S.
Well, they're definitely called that in Japan.
Pretty sure that's not true either.
Agree to disagree.
There's Lucas Lee's trailer.
Thanks for the tour.
Anytime.
I know my way around the studio.
I don't know where I am!
Someone's outside.
Who is it? I'm working on my lines.
It's Ramona.
Flowers.
Oh my god!
Ramona Flowers.
Been a while.
Freshman year, high school.
We need to talk.
I'm not sure we do.
About Scott Pilgrim.
I'm Scott Pilgrim.
No, the real Scott Pilgrim.
You saying I'm a fake Scott Pilgrim?
No, the Scott Pilgrim your character is based on.
I didn't know this was a biopic.
No, it's more like...
Wait, do you even know what this movie is about?
Have you read the script?
I read the title.
Maybe you should read a little more.
Well, as not fun as it's been to catch up, I'm needed on set.
We're about to shoot my first scene. Gotta give the people what they want.
Crank that Lucas Lee charm to 11.
- I think you're a 12. - Let's make out.
Damn girl! What are you doing later?
Are you hitting on me?
Maybe I am, and maybe I am.
Gross.
My Lord!
Ramona Flowers.
Didn't expect to see you here.
Seeking fame?
Not my style.
Still on the search for my old roommate, what's-his-name.
Any progress?
Minimal.
But hopefully that's about to change. What brings you here?
I heard they hired a notorious heterosexual to play me.
Needed to see this debacle up close.
Action!
I had a dream about that girl again.
I didn't care the first time you told me.
I care even less now.
Cut! Let's go again.
Hey, how was that? Gay enough? Any notes?
Yeah. How about you build a time machine, go back in time,
and never audition for this part in the first place.
Am I being heckled?
Who has the nerve to share his opinions on the set of my film?
Me. I have the nerve.
You? What's your name?
I'm Wallace Wells.
Method, wow! Bold, confident, impressive.
I love it!
What's happening right now?
Have you acted before?
I considered it. But I was worried I'd be too good at it.
Wonderful! The part's yours.
What about the other guy?
He's already been escorted off set.
What?
Everybody, take five
while we get our new Wallace to hair and makeup.
You heard him, everybody! Take five, people.
{n8}Hey, Young Neil.
{n8}How'd you know exactly what Scott and I said in bed that morning?
The creative process is a mystery.
Congrats on skipping all the traditional steps
to becoming a major movie star.
Hey, if Lucas Lee can do it, why not?
Speaking of which,
I hear Mr. Lee is already balls deep in a sweaty affair
with someone on the production.
You catch any gossip on who the lucky lady might be?
Not the mystery I'm trying to solve. And on that note, wish me luck.
Hey, you could always wish upon a star.
The star being me.
It's Ramona.
I'm reading the script. I'm busy. Come back later.
I'm not falling for that. I know you have a girl in there.
Can we just get this over with?
Fine. It's open.
No girl.
Did you know I'm in this?
Yeah. You're the lead.
No, there's a Lucas Lee character,
and Scott tricks him into grinding to death.
I'd never fall for that. What kind of idiot would write this?
Who put that garbage can there?
Wow, that's a fast garbage can!
So this movie is what would've happened
if Scott won the fight against Matthew Patel?
Yeah.
Scott defeats all your exes,
and the two of you live happily ever after.
Young Neil may not be the brightest, but he has a vivid imagination.
The ending is unrealistic.
The Ramona Flowers I know would be on to the next one.
That was a long time ago.
Feels like yesterday.
Why are you here?
Scott's not dead.
Someone wants us to think he is.
Who?
Why?
That's what I'm trying to find out.
Is there anyone from my past who would do something this messed up?
You think I'd kidnap some Canadian loser and fake his death?
You willfully chose to join a league of evil exes.
I need to know how evil you really are.
We're not really evil. It's just branding.
I know your reputation.
You're a quintessential Hollywood bad boy.
You can't judge me.
You're on a quest to find a guy who was dating a high schooler.
I'd never do anything that stupid.
If I did, my career would be over.
Lucas.
My God!
{n8}This just in.
{n8}The actor playing Scott Pilgrim is dating an actress playing a high schooler.
{n8}That's actually hilarious!
You're dating a 17-year-old?
She's 31 in real life!
An earthquake in Toronto?
No, something worse.
Paparazzi!
Leave her alone!
Go! I'll cover you.
Lucas!
We have you surrounded, actor scum! Show yourself!
{n8}Whatever.
{n8}Lucas Lee versus the paparazzi.
Fight!
The stardom you love so much will slip through your grasp.
Need an assist?
Why would you help me?
What do you mean? I always helped you.
Yeah.
Until you left me with nothing but a broken heart.
And a broken board.
That was the day I decided who I was gonna be.
The best skater, the highest paid actor, the biggest star.
That day made me who I am.
So I guess, in a way, I have to thank you, Ramona.
That's really nice and all, but we're out of time.
Are you gonna let me help you or not?
{n8}Lucas Lee, we know you're in there!
All clear.
I just got off the phone with my agent.
I'm off the movie. And she's dumping me as a client.
Well, there goes my career.
It's like I'm a show that's no longer on the air.
I'm a...
Damn. I wish there was a word for it.
Maybe this will all blow over.
Nah, they're already testing new actors to play Scott.
By tomorrow morning,
someone else will be cast in the role of the guy you like more than me.
And I'll be back to being nobody.
That was your cue to say something, like, "You were never nobody, Lucas."
Well, you were definitely nobody, but I still made out with you.
Hey, I'll take it.
Still think I kidnapped the real Scott Pilgrim?
No.
I don't see you as a kidnapping guy.
Or a portal guy.
Good. Because I didn't.
That was the night of the Teen Sorcerer 4 premiere in L.A.
I got blitzed and puked on Winifred Hailey.
You can find the photos online.
Guess someone else took your stupid boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend.
Whoever did this kept that train from leaving the station.
Take care of yourself, Lucas.
Whatever.
Vegan powers.
Vegan portals?
Yes, hello.
I'm Todd Ingram.
I'm vegan, and I'm here to audition for the part of Scott Pilgrim.
Scott Pilgrim?
You mean the lead role in this picture?
Well, good luck.
Watch out, guys. Vegan coming through.