- So dumb! - I know.
Fuckin' so dumb.
Delaney was at the Coulson last night?
What side?
- Which fuckin' side? - The strip club side.
The strip club side.
The Yanks brought their team in a day early
for a Sudbury Saturday night game.
Guess no one told them our Friday's
have a similar reputation.
How do you know he was at the rippers?
'Cause I was in there too.
He was in the VIP room the entire night
and just took his pick and kept filling their pockets.
Is that what the kids are callin' it these days?
How do you know this?
'Cause I was in there too.
- Aren't you dating a guy now? - I wasn't that night.
Out roaming for a canal, Ziig?
- They closed the place down. - Good.
If he had a late one, he won't be 100% today.
Turns out the night was young.
He was going to the wee hours, going hard.
Well, Delaney loves the snooters.
I don't know how he was getting any up there
- after a certain point. - How do you know that?
'Cause I was in there too.
Get between his ears early.
If he was up doin' snooters all night,
he's between his own ears.
You tryin' a new scent, Ziig?
Still on me from last night.
You guys know how much perfume strippers wear.
- No, I don't. - Kee-he-he-he!
Yo, were the sluts with their girls again all day?
- Ask them. - Is Michaels still
- acting weird? - Goalies are always weird.
- Why are the Jims always late? - Bangin' yer mom, Ziig!
Even with the new hired guns,
don't lose track of Belson, Welson, Bilson, and Wilson.
We won't.
- Remy Nadeau! - Oui, oui, oui.
Benny et Remy Nadeau!
Ay-yo!
Bilson à Belson, Belson retour à Bilson,
Bilson à Wilson. Wilson à Welson.
Welson de retour à Wilson, Wilson à Benson.
No, no!
Et un Remy Nadeau!
So, you don't think if you put the top three American
players against the top three Canadians,
- it would be close? - Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
- You're serious? - I get it, bud,
you got your first tuggy down there playin' NCAA,
but the hockey's better up here and so are the tuggies.
Okay, Matthews, Gaudreau, and Tkachuk brothers.
- Either one. - Pick one.
- No, I can't. - Give your balls a tug.
It's the same with the Hughes brothers.
- Tit fucker. - What okay,
Matthews, Gaudreau, and Eichel.
McDavid, MacKinnon, and Crosby.
- That'd be close! - I didn't even say Makar
and the other three might say
he's better than all three of them.
Let's get goin' here, boys! Let's go now!
Wilson à Bilson à Belson à B-Belson à D-Delson
à W-Wilson, à W-B-Delson
- à Ben-selonay. - Opalye!
So, how's it feel, Delaney?
You did so much blow, you're in the NOSHO.
Hey, is that coke on your nose? I'm callin' the cops.
Hey, Delaney, let's get an eight-ball put some porn on.
Hey, better check your balance. I heard you left your card
in the ATM, ya fuckin' loser.
- Knock it off, Shoresy. - Schnurr!
- No one's buggin' ya over here. - Schnurr!
Don't bug us, we won't bug you.
Shut the fuck up, Schnurr, you old fuck.
Hey, ya up late doin' some of that Chuck Sheen?
A little up town? A little nose cardio?
Hey, what does that remind ya of, Delaney?
Hey, what does that remind ya of?
Boy, it's sure great to be able to breathe
outta my nose right now, Delaney, I gotta tell ya.
I've played through worse, Shoresy.
- Shut up. - And against better.
You feel like shit.
Playing guilty's a performance enhancer.
- You're still high. - You watch.
I think you're still high.
Shut the fuck up, Shoresy.
- Fer what? - Shut your fuckin' mouth.
- Hey, take it easy, big boy. - You don't go near him.
The cops are comin'. Let's get outta here.
- Come on, let's go! - Fuck you!
- Hurry! - Nah, get the fuck outta here.
Hey, you want this?
Wilson à Phil?
Ooh...
Et Remy Nadeau!
Shut up ya fuckin' goon!
- I'll get ya. - Yeah, let's fuckin' see it.
I'll spear ya in the teeth
before you get your gloves off. Yeah? Let's fuckin' see it!
- I'll fuckin' get ya! - Hey, you like your teeth?
Everyone outta here!
You wanna look like that? Hey!
- Let's see it. - I'll fuckin' get ya, bud.
Yeah, good luck with the Jims, ya big dumb fuck!
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
Yeah, good luck with the Jims, ya fuckin' goon.
I'll go through the whole fuckin' team
- to get to ya, Shoresy. - Let's see it!
- What're ya gonna do? - I'll go through 'em
- fuckin' twice to get ya! - You're not gonna do
fuckin' anything! Yeah, let's fuckin' see it!
I'll go through everybody!
Did ya get that, Cor?
Roger.
Fuckin'.
Hey, how'd your date go last night, Liam?
- It was good. - Yeah? What'd ya do?
We went to the theatre at the Rainbow Centre.
No, I mean what'd you do?
Sorry.
Yeah.
Frenched for a bit, but nothin' else.
Must've had your walkie clipped
to your shoulder then?
- Woo! - Hey,
Jims!
Whudda y'at?
You know what's good
in a chicken salad?
I expected ya to be a bit
more involved out there, Jim.
- Yeah. - Jim.
- Sorry. - Jim.
We'll get there, Shoresy.
Don't worry 'bout it, bud.
- Wasabi aioli. - All right, boys,
if there's one thing better than winning,
it's beating the Yanks.
And those guys across the rink,
if there's one thing worse than losing,
- it's losing to Canada. - B'ys, there's nutting
for them so bad as dat.
We're gettin' pretty close to something real shiny
at the finish line here, boys.
And the Yanks wanna make sure we don't get it.
So, when that puck drops, you'd better be goin',
'cause you bet the Soo Hunt will be.
Well, might take Delaney a minute to get goin'.
- We gotta set the tone, boys! - Unless he's over there
- hittin' rips before the anthem! - I've got a pretty good idea
on who's settin' the tone tonight.
Who's gonna set the tone, Sanger?
- Who's gonna fuckin' set it? - Jim, you ready?
- Yeah. - Good, 'cause you're goin'!
- Yaa-hoo! - Jim, you ready?
- Yes. - Good, 'cause you're goin'!
- Yaa-hoo! - Jim, you ready?
Feelin' pretty good, Sanger. Feelin' ready to go.
- Good, 'cause you're goin'! - Yaa-hoo!
Dolo, ready to mix it up?
- Good, 'cause you're goin'! - Yaa-hoo!
Hitch, how ya feelin' about
- two points tonight? - Yes, sir!
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
Yaa-hoo!
Who's gonna set the tone, boys?
Who's gonna fuckin' set it?
Here we go!
What the fuck, Jim?
Who's fuckin' going?
Who's goin, boys? Who's goin'?
Fuck's sake!
- Let's go, Jim! - Set the tone, Jimmy.
Set the tone.
Go!
Fuck's sake!
Yeah! Come on!
36 is gone, Sanguinet. Third man in.
Shoresy's line.
Well, boys, better fuckin' run 'em up.
Hey!
I'll get that fuckin' cunt in the second.
That'd be great!
Well, are we just gonna be down a goal all night, boys?
Let's get ahead! Shoot the puck!
Fuck's sake! Wake the fuck up!
Woo-hoo-hoo!
How do you like it, Shoresy, How do you like it?
Shut up ya fuckin' drunk!
Haha!
Could use a momentum swing here, Sanger!
Jims' line.
Run 'em up and fill 'em in, boys.
Let's fuckin' go! Holy fuck, Goody, Dolo,
if I spray the puck with Melodie's perfume,
you think you'd go after it a little harder?
Fuck, Fish, are you ever gonna score again?
I'm startin' to think you'll never score again? Ever?
Here we go! Here we go.
Come on, Jimmy! Jim, come on! Come on, Jimmy.
- Come on, baby! - Come on, Jimmy!
- Get him! - Here we go!
- Let's go Jim. - Come on, Jimmy!
For fuck's sake.
Fuck's sake.
- There ya go, yeah! - Let's go!
Yeah! Fuck's sake. Fuck!
Shoresy.
- You okay? - Yeah, just sometimes
when I get real frustrated, I cry a little bit.
But I'm fuckin' trying not to.
- Maybe just cry, my guy. - No, no,
let's do somethin' fuckin' productive.
- Behind the eight-ball here. - Yeah, well,
that's what happens when you don't set the tone.
- Jims tried to set the tone. - They never set it.
- Never got set. - Well, ya gotta set
the fucking tone!
Dolo sucks tonight.
Well, don't let Goody off the hook.
I don't expect them to show up in the third either.
Well, they already played a fuckin' period between
- the sheets. - They look like shit.
- They stink! - Frankie's head
- is somewhere else. - Yeah, probably
in a box of Zebra Cakes.
What do you wanna do?
You tell me.
Let's go through the supporting cast.
- That's all we can do. - Fish.
Fish may never score again, Sanguinet!
Exactly. No use for scorers who don't score.
Holy fuck, Jims! What happened?
I thought I'd take a few to get inside
and maybe he'd break his hand on my head.
Lucky you didn't
- get knocked out. - How many times
- have you been knocked out? - Four or five.
- That's a lot of concussions. - Never had a concussion.
Well, Fish, ya ready to be the hero?
What?
- You just said... - I know what I said.
You're gonna score us a fuckin' goal.
- What if I don't? - You're cut.
I'm cut?
You used to score us a goal a game.
- How many did you get last game? - Zero.
- And the game before that? - Zero.
- And the game before that? - Zero!
No use for scorers who don't score.
Score us a goal, Fish.
My man.
Well, Fish, you scored the game-winning goal,
but your mom's real ugly. How's it feel?
Pretty big smile for a guy who almost got cut.
- That was fucked up. - Well, didn't see you
complainin' when your teammates were mobbin' ya.
- I'm serious. - Didn't see you complainin'
when the fans were cheerin' your name.
- That wasn't cool. - Won't see you complainin'
when you're gettin' your dink sucked later tonight.
Or maybe I will.
What, you want me to come watch or?
Don't fuck with me like that again.
Nice game, coach.
I think it's pretty fuckin' obvious.
- Shoresy. - Call your fuckin' parents.
Cunt hair away from fucking up that record, slut.
Well, they don't ask how, they ask how many.
Could do without the suspense next time.
- Ask and you shall receive. - Kee-he-he!
- You've got press. - Yew!
- Not with her. - I was gonna say,
let me grab a shower first.
Got a fuckin' ecosystem down here.
- Ew! - This guy knows
- what I'm talkin' about. - Fuck you, Shoresy.
It's a different press opportunity.
Well, is she hot?
Is he dying?
- What? - Is he going to die?
- No. - What's wrong with you?
Well, usually when they bring somebody in
for something like this, like a kid, it's 'cause
- it's like... - What?
- His last wish. - No!
What do you think, you're the fuckin' Rock?
So, he's not dying or anything?
- No! - You're in the fucking NOSHO,
- you're a nobody. - Then why do you got me
doing an interview with a fucking infant?
'Cause we...
- He's not an infant. - 'Cause we are
an organization by the community for the community
and doing interviews for his popular YouTube show
will help us reach more of our community.
So, first you got us with our dinks out in calendars,
and now you want us on a kids' show?
It is a bit weird when he puts it that way.
- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fer what?!
We want more kids out to games.
- Why? - Because kids in sports
- stay off the streets. - Drugs kill dreams.
You're an idiot.
- His name is Jory. - What?
- Jor-y. - Jory?
Yeah, like Cory but Jory.
My God. So dumb.
Ready? Okay.
Welcome to the Sudbury Kids Sports Report.
I'm your host, Jory Jordan and I'm here
with the captain of your Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs.
What's up, buddy?
- What's goin' on? - Another win for the Bulldogs.
- You bet. - That's a good lesson
for the kids at home, you don't have to be pretty.
Let's open it up to some fan questions.
This one comes from local realtor Brandon Town.
"Great job on the calendar."
Thanks buddy, appreciate that.
You understand that's out there forever now?
Think you'll have kids one day?
Maybe you can't.
If a kid came to school and said,
"Hey, look at this calendar, it's your dad."
Can't get much worse than that.
Only if you got a name like Jory Jordan.
Let's go to another fan question.
There aren't any.
You're not that great at interviews. Kinda simple?
They weeded out all the simple kids from gen pop
in grade 3 at my school. What was it for you?
Just a couple more questions, Jory.
Would you say getting held back in grade 2 was worse
than getting held back in grade 1?
- Alright, last one, Jory. - Two-part question.
What was it like seeing all your friends move up a grade
without you, and do you use that as motivation today?
Thanks, Nat. That was fun.
Looks like that'll be all for tonight
on the Sudbury Kids Sports Report.
Get big and strong, kid.
You're gonna need it if you wanna act like that.
Don't take it out on me that you can't have kids.
- For fuck sakes, Shoresy. - Fer what?!
- What the hell was that? - He's not even dying.
I meant the game.
What the one we're on a 22-game heater after?
- We sucked. - We stink.
- Frankie was somewhere else. - He hasn't heard
- from his girlfriends, my guy. - Girlfriends?
Goody and Dolo have had their heads in mitt all day.
Michaels is still acting weird.
Goalies are always weird.
And what is with the Jims?
Well, they didn't set the tone.
Have you ever heard of Reach For The Top?
Sanguinet, did you threaten
to cut Fish if he didn't score?
- Who ratted? - It wasn't a threat.
Sanguinet...
- Is that true? - You surprised?
Well, didn't see him complainin'
when his teammates were mobbin' him.
- That's over the top. - Didn't see him complainin'
when the fans were cheerin' his name.
- Don't do that again. - Won't see him
complainin' when he's gettin' his dink sucked later tonight.
Or maybe I will. Fuck it, I'll watch if he wants me to.
You have multiple fires to put out, Shoresy.
Which one are you gonna start with first?
- Yeah, so... - Never mind,
I don't care. But start now.
- My God! - Go!
So dumb.
- Sanguinet? - Man's a killer now.
I used to not like it when he was like that.
- Like what? - Shoresy.
You don't want him anything like Shoresy.
I gotta say, he's settling into it, though.
- Loves to win. - Hates to lose.
Bulldog hockey, baby.
Hi.
Couldn't find the arena guy. Do you mind if I step in?
Unfortunately, you got a problem with all three
shower heads in the visitors' locker room.
They're almost completely blocked and they're leakin'
where the heads meet the hose.
What are you, a fuckin' plumber?
Yeah. Always wanted to learn a trade.
Better late than never.
I got caught workin' late today. Ended up takin' my truck
to the game. Luckily, I had some Teflon tape in there
and I fixed the seals where the heads meet the hose.
But as for the heads themselves, do you have any CLR?
'K, great. Have your arena guy run 'em through that
for a couple minutes. They'll be as good as new.
And that's not to imply you couldn't do this all yourself,
I just figured you'd be pretty busy
running the best team in the league and all.
Soon to be the best team ever.
Right. Goodnight.
What a fuckin' nerd.
That guy played a thousand games in the show.
Now he's in the NOSHO.
That guy played with first-ballot Hall of Famers.
- Now he's a plumber. - Everybody needs a plumber.
What a fuckin' nerd.
Nat.
Dude, your knees are shaking.
Holy shit woman, you're fired up.
I don't think I've ever seen this.
You don't date sluts, remember?
Yeah, you just take them down.
So...
I'm gonna fuck that slut.
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