Alright, shut the fuck up!
Sanger's got the floor.
Let's listen up here, boys. Everybody listen up here now.
Alright, gents, thanks for stickin' around
for this little players only.
Even though it isn't really a players only 'cause I'm here.
Yeah, but like he's one of the boys, so it'd be
weird if he wasn't here for the players only.
Who's runnin' it?
Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
- I thought I'd run it. - Yeah, like he's the coach,
he's usually the one talkin' so it'd be weird if he was
just here listenin' to someone talk. It's like...
it's like, he's usually the one talkin'.
Can I phone a call?
- Can you phone a call? - Can I?
What, are you gonna order a fuckin' pizza?
Uh, I'll just get right into it. You're fuckin' up.
You're fuckin' up. You're fuckin' up.
And until very recently, you were fucking up.
- How am I fucking up? - Let's start with someone
- more important. - The Jims?
Yeah. And in the meantime,
Goody, Dolo, tie your dick to your leg.
- Jim. - Yeah?
- Jim. - Hello.
- Jim. - Let's hear it, Sanger.
Let us have it, buddy. - You're late for games
and when you show up, you're not focused.
And even after the games, you scramble to the showers
and out the door. - Which is usually what guys do
if they don't want us to see their dinks,
but like, we've see your dinks. - Yeah.
- We've seen 'em a ton of times. - Settle down.
We just likes it when ya hangs out with the b'ys
for a bit after, that's all.
Jims are unbelievable.
Jims?
We're doin' real bad at Reach For The Top.
- Trivia? - Yeah.
- Huh? - Usually there's four people
on a team, but we're down a man.
And he was the guy who always got us goin'.
Ah, see boys, you gotta set the tone.
Can't get into the game without him.
Someone's gotta set the tone out there, boys!
Someone's gotta fuckin' set it! - You see, th-th-that is a very
interesting parallel, because the Jims need someone
to set the tone in order to get it going,
and we need the Jims to set the tone.
Shut up, Michaels, you fuckin' nerd.
What happened to your other guy?
- He got stabbed. - By who?
- By a big Indian. - We're just feeling banged up
from getting pumped at Reach For The Top.
And now we're comin' here and gettin' pumped too.
So what you're sayin' is you just needs one of the b'ys
to come where you're to? - Yeah.
Come on, b'ys, let's send someone where der at.
Does it have to be another jail guard on your team,
or can it be one of us?
The other jail guards don't wanna play
Reach For The Top anymore.
Because one got stabbed.
By a big Indian.
Alright, gents,
looks like we're looking for a fourth man for the Jims.
We got any beers?
Huh?
Boys dumped all the cold ones on me so...
I just think this players only is goin'
a bit long to not be havin' beers.
- Couple frosty ones. - Should we get
some beers for the players only?
Well, we could take the players only
to where there's beers. - That's a good idea, ol' man.
Couple chilly ones?
Pretty good pizza here, boys.
Let's get hammerin' some pizza here now.
Alright, boys, Reach For The Top. Who's smart?
Maybe we start at the other end of 'er
and weed some guys out.
Okay, who's dumb?
Now we're movin' here, boys, let's keep 'er movin' here now.
- Hitch and Michaels. - How are we gonna figure out
who's less dumb?
We'll throw some trivia at you
and whoever gets the most right wins.
B'y, this could take all night.
Even as the smartest b'ys here,
I still think we'll get most of 'em wrong.
- Yeah. - Ya think?
- Yes. - Why?
Look at 'em.
Well, maybe I get in there
and speed things up a little bit.
Well, I'm the dumbest guy here so...
Fish is pretty dumb.
No, Fish only looks dumb.
He's not actually that dumb. - Thanks, Shoresy.
- Got a dip? - He's not as dumb as Shoresy.
I'm the dumbest guy here.
So, if I get one right that someone else doesn't get,
he should automatically be out.
- Thanks, big boy. - Shoresy, can I phone...
Oh, my God, Frankie, you can order DQ from an app!
You don't have to call.
You, you, and you,
you're all candidates for the fourth man
for the Jims' trivia team.
What would you do if selected? Hitch?
- Study all night. - Michaels?
Well, I'd have a positive attitude.
- Shoresy? - Fuck yer mom.
Tell us about your strategy, Hitch.
B'y, I'll be the first to admit
that as a "Newfie", we gets a bad rap
for bein' dumb. What with the volume we drinks
and the way we talks.
But what we lacks in grey matter we makes up for in work ethic.
I guarantee you, a Newfoundlander
will not be outworked. - Michaels.
Though I adored English in school, I like words,
but my true love is math and science.
I'm just gonna stop you right there.
Is he not the most boring person you've ever heard in your life?
- Pardon me? - Like, is no one else
havin' this issue, you're sittin' here,
you're listening to him talk, you're trying to care,
but you just can't seem to give a fuck about
a single word he says? - Yeah.
- Tell me how you really feel, huh? - I've been sittin' here
listening to him talk for a minute.
He's been talking for five seconds.
Feels like I've been sitting here listening
to him talk for a year!
Do you think there's any girls on the bar side?
Hmm?
We're going to get to your problem next, boys.
Well, guess this players only's
been goin' a bit long to not be lookin' at girls.
If we were smart, we would've started
the players only where there was beer and girls.
It's not really a players only anymore, though.
Shut the fuck up, Fish.
Now to figure out who's the least dumb.
- Shoresy. - Frankie!
He hasn't heard from his girlfriends.
Girlfriends?
He hasn't heard from his girlfriends?
No.
Better hope they haven't heard from each other!
Players only, boys!
At Reach For The Top, they just fire a bunch
of trivia questions at you. - Alright,
we'll fire a bunch of trivia questions at you.
Yeah, let's get firin' some trivia questions here, boys.
Let's go now. - B'ys let's pick one
good question so I can go ask that girl to dance.
She's a bit young but...
Hey, tie your dick to your leg!
Well, we pick one topic,
and whoever talks about it better wins.
- What's the topic? - Space.
You wanna talk about space?
Yeah! And whoever talks about it better wins.
You wanna see who can talk about space better?
- Yes, sir. - Michaels, get us started.
Well, first off, I mean, it's huge.
- What is? - Space.
You're opening with space is huge?
What'd you think I was talking about?
I dunno, a fuckin' planet.
- A galaxy? - How long is a light year?
If he's opening with space is huge,
I can for sure talk about space better.
Okay, go ahead, talk about space.
The Earth revolves around the sun.
See? Already Shoresy's talkin' about space
better than I thought. - Let's dance.
Sorry b'ys, gotta go see about a girl.
Well, you run a great players only, Sanger.
You brought us to where there's girls.
Don't worry, we're gonna get to the bottom of this,
all right, Jim? - Yeah.
- Jim? - Yes.
- Jim? - You can fit one million
Earths inside the sun. - You know,
I don't think it's any coincidence
I start talkin' about space, all of a sudden,
no one wants to talk about space anymore.
And you were just gettin' goin'.
Don't see anyone wanting to talk about space now.
Well, you're right, it is beyond massive.
I had some great space words I didn't even get to use.
- Like what? - Meta-galactic.
- My guy! - Inter-cosmic.
- Those are pretty good ones. - Well, you better think twice
you wanna talk about space with me.
A full space suit costs ya 12 sheets.
- Michaels. - Yeah?
What's your problem?
I'm the best goalie in the league.
Well then, why are you walkin' around
like someone ran over your dog?
Look...
You're really gonna inhale and exhale like that?
- Oh just... - There, you just did it again.
You don't even
know you're doin' it! - It's not success
unless you have someone to share it with.
Hmm?
I mean, I'm number one in the league.
We're number one. And soon,
we're gonna be number one in the league of all time.
Mm-hmm.
We're successful, but it's just...
it's not true success if you don't have
anyone to share it with.
You're talkin' about a broad, right?
Don't fuckin' do that!
- You're at my house. - Yeah.
- You fucking psycho. - Politely knocking.
You must have some liquid courage.
- Nope. - You're not drunk?
Well, yeah.
Okay, go. I honestly can't wait.
Do you really need to inhale and exhale like that?
- Whoa. - What?
It's not success unless you have someone to share it with.
What isn't?
- What? - Your success isn't?
Isn't what?
Success unless you have someone to share it with?
Can I start over?
You're saying you're successful.
- Yep. - 'Cause you're the best team
in the league, I'm assuming.
- Best team in the league ever. - Not yet.
But you're saying it isn't success unless
you have someone to share it with?
- Yeah. - So what does that even mean?
I'd love to tell ya about my day.
- Would you? - Yeah.
- What else? - I'd love to see
if I can somehow make your life easier.
- I almost believe you, dude. - But?
- You're a slut. - I know you've fucked
one or two before. - That's how I know sluts talk.
- What's it gonna take? - Whadda ya got?
Well, I'd tongue kiss
a toaster to vacuum your fuckin' car.
- Yeah? - Yeah. I'd walk the Kingsway
with my pants at my ankles to empty your dishwasher.
- Now we're talkin'! - I wanna empty your dishwasher
so bad, you have no idea.
- Say hi to Big Sexy for me. - Yeah, all right.
I wasn't thinkin' I was comin' in or anything.
Wasn't hopin' or anything. - My kid's asleep in there.
Yeah, don't wanna mess that up or anything.
You wanna go in the garage?
Yeah, so you'll think
you'd come knock on my door anytime you're half cut
and I'll wanna crawl on top of ya?
You are such a fuckin' good time, woman.
- Later. - I'm gonna be
thinkin' about you. - Good night.
And I usually prefer the front door
on a first date, but you're the boss apple sauce!
Clock's tickin' on the season
and there's something real shiny at the end of it.
So, we need one of the boys settin' the tone for the Jims
so the Jims can set the tone for us.
Gotta set the tone boys. Someone's gotta fuckin' set it.
Practice round. We'll start easy.
What is the highest grossing Canadian movie of all time?
Fubar!
No, ya fuckin' idiot.
- So fuckin' stupid. - Guy's a fuckin' idiot.
Yeah, it's the best Canadian movie of all time.
Incorrect. Michaels?
- It's Bon Cop, Bad Cop. - Correct.
What multi-platinum band hails from Hanna, Alberta?
Spirit of the West.
Are you actually a fuckin' idiot?
He might actually be fuckin' stupid.
- So fuckin' dumb. - Incorrect. Michaels?
- It's Nickelback. - Nickelback.
Correct. I'm a World War I
flying ace that Toronto City Airport
is named after. Who am I?
Avro Aero.
Oh, my God, how is he in this fuckin' competition?
That's a plane.
Well, he was askin' for a plane, wasn't he?
- No! - He was askin' about
a plane driver. - A plane driver?
- A pilot. - Huh?
- Lard Jeezus, b'y. - Commercial planes
can't go in reverse, eh? - Incorrect. Michaels?
It's Billy Bishop.
- Correct. - You gotta push 'em.
I think we've seen enough.
Don't see no questions on Newfoundland though, b'ys.
No worries, we're used to being excluded.
Holy fuck, Sanger, just give him a question
about the Maritimes. - Newfoundland ain't part
of the Maritimes, b'ys!
Okay, what is the name of the popular Nova Scotia
condiment made of condensed milk,
vinegar, and garlic? - Oh, come on!
Creamy garlic.
- Fuckin' idiot! - Are you fuckin' serious?
- Donair sauce! - Correct!
Who doesn't hear fucking Nova Scotia
and think donair? - Halifax explosion was a doozy.
What the fuck else does Nova Scotia have?
- Well, they got Sid the Kid. - Trailer Park Boys.
Well, Peggy's Cove's a lovely time.
Congrats, Michaels,
you're going to jail to play Reach For The Top!
- Yes! - Put us out of our misery.
Guys, look, I just wanna say that I respect...
Sit the fuck down. Shut the fuck up.
Frankie?
No.
Eh, Celine.
- Oui. - Oui.
Well, Frankie lives in Ontario now,
so I feel like we should speak English
so the girls there understand. - I agree. They should know.
We were asleep together one night,
and I woke up with something between my toes.
It was a Honey Nut Cheerio.
- Oh. - I would check Frankie's
pockets before doing the wash,
and one time, I pulled out a Subway Philly cheese steak.
- A footlong? - Yeah.
And a McDonald's apple pie.
One time I came home,
and the smoke alarms were going off,
and my dogs were scratching at the door.
Frankie had fallen asleep with two pizza pops
on the George Foreman Grill.
Oh, Frankie.
Your dogs must have been scared sick.
Yeah, they were sick all right,
from the pepperoni he picked up
by the checkout at Canadian Tire.
You see, I thought the cheating was bad.
And it's clear that his diet is what's really eating you.
What?
We got a problem.
Of course we do.
Did you just get fucked?
- We got a problem. - What's the problem?
- Hey, look at her. - What?
- Doesn't she look like... - Fuck you, Shoresy!
Fer what?
- Like you just got fucked. - You look like
you just got fucked. - No, she doesn't.
- Okay. - If anything,
she looks like she's been at home blastin' herself.
We've got a problem.
Someone tell me the problem.
- Frankie got caught. - Oof!
- Only a matter of time. - How is he?
- He doesn't know yet. - Good.
Keep it away from him until after we play North Bay.
The Quebecois don't love him anymore.
- Quebecois stand by their own. - Well, someone loves him.
His calendar's sold out.
There's that calendar bitin' me in the ass!
- And back ordered. - I don't fuckin' care!
Well, you should. That big Quebecer
just got us 10K closer to our 50K goal.
- 20 to go. - So dumb.
You know what? Fuck you, Shoresy.
- Fer what? - I send you off
to put out some fires, and instead,
you come back with a new one? - No, one's out.
So, you came back with this one in place of another.
Same amount of fires, slut.
These floors could use a sweep, Ziig.
Which one don't I have to worry about anymore?
Welcome to this week's
Reach For The Top league play.
Quiet on the block, please.
Thank you.
Jim, Jim, and Jim have a new teammate today.
This is Michaels. Let's all welcome him.
I'll fuck you 'til you love me, hoe!
C'mon, fuck me up the ass!
Thank you.
I understand that Jim, Jim, Jim, and Michaels
also have a new team name.
Since we have a new teammate,
we thought we should have a new team name.
We'll no longer be called Iroquiz.
And what shall we call you?
Algonquiz.
Very well.
In an effort to put what happened
to Correctional Officer Seth
at the hands of inmate Pinky behind us...
I'll fuck you 'til you love me, hoe!
We decided to change our name as well.
Hence turning over a new leaf.
And what will that be?
Tropic of Answer.
Very well.
Let the match begin.
Algonquiz, are you ready?
- Yeah. - Yes.
Good luck, everyone.
Good luck to everybody involved. - Tropic of Answer,
are you ready?
We begin.
Which Canadian funny man was part owner
of the Toronto Argonauts in the 1990s?
Um, John Candy?
- Correct. - Okay.
Which Ontario city did Sam Panapoulos
invent Hawaiian pizza in?
Um, Chatham.
Correct.
What year did Newfoundland Labrador
officially join Canada?
1949.
Correct. She is Canada's first female astronaut.
Roberta Bondar.
Correct.
Until the success of 2006's Bon Cop, Bad Cop,
what was the highest grossing Canadian
motion picture of all time?
Fubar!
Incorrect.
- Porky's. - Correct.
In which of his songs does Stompin' Tom Connors sing,
"Well the girls are out to bingo
and the boys are gettin' stinko"?
"Sudbury Saturday Night".
Correct.
Yeah!
C'mon, fuck me up the ass!
I'm Jory Jordan back with the Sudbury Kids Sports Report
and joining me once again is the captain of your Sudbury
Blueberry Bulldogs, number 69, Shore.
69. That's a bit on the nose, isn't it?
Any significance to that number for you?
Sentimental value?
Just wanna show everyone what a class act you are then, eh?
You've got the North Bay Norsemen tonight,
which means you've got Keller.
He can be a real pain in the knackers, can't he?
- Yeah. - Got a hot wife though.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm. Wanna see?
Alright.
Huh.
Got him in every picture though.
Wanna see MacPherson's wife? - Alright.
Just a sec.
Bikini shots are way down here.
MacPherson, you try that again,
and I'll wrap my stick around your fuckin' neck.
- Next one's goin' in, bud. - You try that again,
you're gonna get fuckin' hurt, MacPherson, I promise ya.
- Hey, fuck you, Shoresy. - Settle him down, Keller,
or someone's gonna get fuckin' hurt out here.
Hey Frankie, you see that movie "The Whale" yet?
You never fuckin' talk to him.
You fuckin' settle him down,
Keller, or it's gonna get fuckin' ugly.
Remy Nadeau!
Un grand crosscheck! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
He ate him like undercooked pork tenders-loin!
Remy Nadeau! - Oh!