Try one leaning on your stick.
Tighten up, slut.
What if you do one looking over your shoulder
at the camera?
No, no, no, no.
No?
- Why not? - Soft.
I think the b'ys should be goin' only so far with all this.
Fine.
What're ya doin', me son?
- What're you doin'? - Your face?
Bro.
- What's he doin'? - What's it look like?
- Why does he have his tarp on? - What?
Why would he have
his tarp off? - Because if I'm a broad
lookin' at a sexy calendar o' dudes,
I'm probably hopin' they have their tarps off.
Your face is orange.
It looks like you ate an Oompa Loompa's mitt.
What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?
You look like the tip of Chester Cheetah's dick,
my guy. - Did you get a spray tan?
Well, I thought everybody would have a spray tan.
- Why? - Because if I'm a broad
lookin' at a sexy calendar o' dudes,
I'm probably hopin' they have a spray tan.
Settle down.
And what's with the sunglasses?
- Me? - My God.
After I got the spray tan,
I looked at myself in the mirror and the whites of my eyes
were so white it kinda freaked me out.
Does no one else think that this is hilarious?
- Wanna get lippy? - Just take them off.
Take your top off too. Let's have a look at you.
I'm gonna wait 'til the grease down to take my tarp off.
- Grease down? - My God.
So dumb!
Why would you have a grease down?
Because if I'm a broad looking at a sexy calendar
o' dudes, I'm probably hopin' they're greased down!
How is that shade of orange even an option?
I mean, it's almost offensive. - Shut the fuck up, Michaels!
Is your whole body that colour?
- Yeah! - Even your junk?
- Yeah. - Nice.
- They did your junk, too? - I did my own junk.
- How? - You just take the spray gun
and you spray your junk. A monkey could do it.
- Did you do your butthole, too? - Let's just get these guys
greased down and spray tanned so we can be done with it.
You want everyone to get a spray tan?
- Well, except Dolo. - Why not Dolo?
Well, he can if he wants to. He's included. You're an idiot.
- This is a bit much. - You look ill.
You've been a real cunt since you got good hair, Ziig.
- Why did you do all this? - Because a year ago,
you were gonna fold the team.
We couldn't win a game.
But then you kept the team together
and we won the league. Now no one can beat us.
So, if you say you want us to do a sexy calendar so that
you can host the National Senior Tournament...
So we can.
Sudbury.
- For the community. - By the community.
What are you trying to say, Shoresy?
Whatever...
you need from me.
Give your balls a tug.
I got you.
Go get a spray tan. Then come back here,
take your tarps off and get a grease down.
- Yes, sir. - You sluts are gonna
make me some money.
You're up first, captain.
Now the b'ys just has to decide,
do we wanna be the best team in the league this year,
or do we wanna be the best team in the league ever?
What are you doing?
I can't.
- What? - Gotta go home.
- Why? - Accountability.
I wouldn't ask you guys to do anything
that I wouldn't do myself.
I could've gone home last night
with a girl I've been trying to take home
for a year, and I didn't.
- Laura? - No.
Well, that's who you've been trying to take home for a year.
It wasn't Laura Mohr. That's account...
If it wasn't Laura Mohr, who was it?
Buddy, I got broads from North Bay to Blind River
who want me to bang 'em. - Nice.
Fuckin' broads from Timiskaming to Nipissing
want me to dink 'em. - Well, it's alls I'm sayin'...
Fuckin' Manitoulin to Magnetawan, bitch.
- Well, come on out of it then. - What are you even doin' here?
- I can wait in the bat'room. - Yeah, just give us five.
- Accountability. - Frankie,
tell Laurence not to leave her tampons on the counter.
- Tit fucker. - No, those are Frankie's.
Laurence leaves hers under the sink.
Nothing.
I withstanded from sex.
- Withstood. - Withstood from it?
- Just withstood. - I didn't smash her,
not Laura Mohr, okay?
Two nights before our final game with the Yanks.
But I'm not here to tell you to...
Refrain.
- Refrain it? - Refrain from it.
I'm not here to tell you not to hammer ass.
But you need to be accountable.
Right? You never got any legs in the third
'cause ya already played a period between the sheets.
If you wanna hammer ass all day,
ya can't be doggin' it come game time.
When's the last time you had a Pogo?
Hitch, ya got a dip?
Can I come where you're to now, or what?
- No just a sec. - Okay, just let me know
and I'll come where you're at. - Let's listen up here now.
You got teammates that rely on you.
And a whole town that's depending on you.
You need to be accountable.
So maybe you try, just once,
not hammerin' ass,
all night, the night before a game.
Dolo?
- Goody? - Settle down.
Fuckin'.
Little accountability in here, boys.
Let's get some accountability goin' here now.
Home.
B'ys, I'll pay a loonie for a martoonie.
Alright. Let's hear it.
30 grand total in calendar sales.
Give or take.
Nice work, sluts.
30 fucking grand.
And what did The Man Advantage bring us up to?
- 40. - Give or take.
Still 10 short.
But 40 fucking grand.
Well, ladies, ideas?
Let's say a prayer.
God is good,
God is great,
we thank him our food. Amen.
Amen.
Should we be saying a prayer
for the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs?
- They don't need it. - Yeah, we'll give 'em
a cheers then, instead.
Now, I don't wanna mention winnin'
'cause I don't wanna jinx it,
so I will just say...
ya don't wanna lose to the Yanks.
Cheers!
And welcome, Mikey.
- So, Mikey... - Here we go.
- What's wrong with just Mike? - Waffle.
I like it. It's fun.
Not sayin' there's anything wrong with it.
- It's playful. - Just sayin' Mikey Tyson
doesn't have quite the same weight to it.
- You go by Shoresy, idiot. - That was aggressive.
- Why are you telling me? - You wanna see aggressive?
I think it might be time for you to go use
some pot, Free. Chillax.
No one here uses pot, if your parents ask.
Maybe not anyone here right this second,
but it smells like Free was using in her car before.
- Bro... - Shut up.
- Me? - Him.
So, what do you like to do for fun, Mikey?
- Um... - He likes E-sports.
- E-sports? - Video games, Dad!
He likes video games.
It's legit, Waffle. There's like,
tournaments and leagues. - Mitch Marner owns a league.
E-sports are like, really popular.
Doesn't make 'em respectable.
So, how many people play in your league, Mikey?
Yeah, Mikey, what's the concussion protocol
in your league? - What colour
are most of the kids? - What's the trophy
you play for, the fuckin' Reese Peanut Butter Cup?
I heard Mikey's the hardest workin' player in his league.
Hardest worker? Only thing these guys play through
is having to fuckin' pee from drinkin' fuckin' pop.
- Waffle! - I only do it
'cause I love you, Kayla. He gets vetted
just like everybody who wants to date my family.
Amen.
Except Free, since she was already in the family.
Hey, Mikey, speaking of embarrassing,
why don't you ask Shoresy about the time
his ninth grade girlfriend came running into my room
crying 'cause he couldn't get it up?
I didn't wanna get it up.
Mikey, if she saw that big dink, boy,
- she'd really be crying. - My God.
I was just lookin' out for her.
- Were ya? - She'd never be
the same after that! - What's it?
Kid's got her whole life ahead of her.
- Was that Sarah? - That's somebody's
daughter, you know? - Amber.
I said you think you want it.
You got no idea what you're gettin'
yourself into here. - Okay, Waffle.
Who knows where she'd be today.
Don't feel too bad for him,
though. Looks like everything was workin' just fine
on our family vacation in Cuba.
Free.
When he was makin' out with a girl that was... a guy?
That's the fuckin' hottest guy I ever seen.
- She was a real hot guy. - Dad!
- He thought she was hot too! - Hot guy.
A lot can happen after 10 beers, Waffle?
Mikey, I thought she was a girl.
- She was a real hot guy. - Good lips.
- Dad! - Those gals pay good money
to get themselves lookin' like that.
So, you can't be too shocked if they get the odd one by ya.
I don't think it's fair if they don't tell ya up front.
- And really good on him. - I'll tell you who this
whole thing is most unfair to,
is girls who already look a little bit like guys.
Dad!
I'm just sayin', the way things are goin',
if she looks a little bit like a guy,
you've gotta mind, she probably really is one.
Time to pull a U-ey.
Hey, what else ya got, Free? This is batting practice.
Go Bulldogs.
- Go get 'em, yeah? - We will.
- I love you. - Love you, too.
Okay.
- Love you, bro. - Love you, too.
Hey, good luck. Go get that record.
- We will. - W, baby. W.
W.
- Don't let me down, boy. - We won't.
Don't forget what I taught ya.
- If you can't win, don't play. - Come here, you.
- Love you, bro. - Love you, bro.
I'm so proud of you, son.
So, so proud of you.
Are you crying?
- I love you. - Love you, too.
I'm glad we're all so close.
Hey, success isn't success
unless you have someone to share it with. Yeah?
Anik Archambault here joined by panelists
Jay Onrait, Tessa Bonhomme,
and the man they call RA.
Mesdames and messieurs,
the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs.
Persimmon Pomapoos would sound tougher.
It's all hands on deck for what could very well be
a record-setting night in the Soo.
- Wait, Soo Ontario or... - Soo Michigan, baby.
The Bulldogs Bluester Club will reportedly
be out in numbers in hope of seeing their team
make some history stateside.
Long way to go for the Tangerine Toy Poodles.
There's no shortage of bad blood between these two teams
as Shoresy took clear aim at new additions
Delaney, Palmer, and Schnurr in their last contest.
Let's have a look at excerpts from that edition
of Bulldogs Mic'd UP.
Schnurr! Hey Delaney,
know where we can get some nose beers?
Yeah, I've got a guy.
Let's get a couple grams, go on OnlyFans.
Hey, fell asleep in the recliner the other night.
Thought of you. Can you even cross over,
Palmer, you big, dumb fuck? - Shut the fuck up, Shoresy!
I hope your guys bring their A-game.
Americans hate losing to Canadians.
Canadians hate losing to Americans.
- Can't we all just get along? - Hell no.
- Hard no. - I know!
And now it's up to the Bulldogs.
Do they wanna be the best team in the league this year,
or do they wanna be the best team in the league, ever?
Well, well, well, look who finally came around.
Not too worried about getting your dink sucked tonight?
Got my dink sucked this morning.
- You wish Sanger good luck? - I'm his good luck charm.
Kee-he-he!
You gonna go say hi to Schnurr?
- Already did. - Woman!
This guy's gonna be Mr. Nat pretty soon.
- No. - Could do worse.
I already got what I was after there.
Woman!
You don't date sluts, you just take 'em down.
Make 'em empty the dishwasher on the way out.
I needed a different favour.
Getting the fitted sheet on the mattress?
A pregame stop at the Sudbury Kids Sport Report.
- Woman! - You're a genius.
How'd you get him to do that?
- He has cancer. - What kind?
Doesn't matter. We're doin' this for him.
- Fuck sakes. - Don't swear.
We ready? Okay.
Hi, I'm Jory Jordan, this is the Sudbury
Kids Sports Report, US Edition.
I'm here with three members of the Soo Hunt.
Gentlemen, please state your name and ethnicity.
- Ethnicity? - If you know it.
Pal, I don't think that's important.
You don't think race is important?
Okay, we'll skip the land acknowledgement.
You all played a stint in the show.
Yes.
Palmer, Delaney did too much coke.
How'd you fuck it up?
Schnurr, would you agree that Palmer looks like
he did more coke than Delaney?
- Listen, kid... - Just a sec.
Hello.
Alright, everybody, listen up here.
Let's listen up here now.
60 miles from something real shiny tonight here, boys.
Let's turn that 23-game heater into 24!
Hitch, you ready? - Yes, b'y!
- Good, 'cause you're goin'! - Yaa-hoo!
Dolo, you ready?
- Good, 'cause you're goin'! - Yaa-hoo!
- Goody, you ready? - Ready to rip, Sanguinet.
- Good, 'cause you're goin'! - Yaa-hoo!
Frankie, ya got a couple in ya tonight?
- Good, 'cause you're goin'! - Yaa-hoo!
- Shoresy, you ready? - Yew-hew!
- Good, 'cause you're goin'! - Yaa-hoo!
Michaels, you got one more in ya
- for the regular season, buddy? - You know it, Sanger.
- Good, 'cause you're goin'! - Yaa-hoo!
Nothing comes easy against the Americans.
You'll have to work for every inch.
They're gonna line match Palmer against Shoresy tonight
so, Jim... - Yeah?
- Jim? - Yes.
- Jim? - You say jump,
we say how high, Sanger.
We're relying on you to take him out early.
Ya gotta set the tone!
We'll start with Shoresy's line,
but get control of the puck
and get off the ice. Let the Jims do their thing.
- You good, Jim? - Yeah.
- Jim? - Yes.
- Jim? - We've overcome a lot
of adversity this season.
Both personally and as a team.
We found Michaels, who's helping our
Reach For The Top team go to sectionals.
And boys, I found someone to share my success with.
I found someone knows me name, b'ys.
A girl who just wants to hang out, play some tunes.
Laurence Leboeuf.
Goody? Dolo?
Did ya hammer ass all night?
Really?
Accountability.
Hey!
I mean, it's not a big deal to just miss one night.
You can go back to hammerin' ass tonight
after you call your parents. It's not a big deal.
I wasn't finished, Shoresy.
Sorry, Jim.
We're gonna hurt Palmer.
So to answer your question, yes, we're ready to set the tone.
Thanks, Jims.
Something a little different tonight.
They wanna introduce you one by one before the game.
- Fuckin' why? - I dunno.
Could be a historic night.
Guess they wanna mark the occasion.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to tonight's match-up between
the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs and your Soo Hunt!
The Soo Hunt and their fans
would now like to welcome the 23-0 Bulldogs to the ice.
Introducing first,
number 4 and Mr. April,
Brant Goodleaf!
- Fuck sakes. - Fuck sakes.
Fuck sakes.
Number 14 and Mr. November...
You said this calender'd bite us in the arse, b'y.
Ted Hitchcock!
The captain of t,
number 69 and Mr. July...
Ladies and gentlemen, pleas
for a special rendition of,
performed by 10-year-old Dougie Bibeau,
who is learning to play the recorder.
Pulled out all the stops for you, Shoresy.
- Fuck you. - Fuck you.
I'll get you for that fuckin' anthem,
Delaney, I swear to God. - Historic night.
- Fuckin' coke head. - Gonna be up in your kitchen
all night tonight, Mr. July.
Yeah, we'll see how tall you're playin'
in about five fuckin' minutes.
- Fuck you, bud. - Fuck you.
Remy Nadeau!
You know they say, if you wanna make the change,
go to the Jims. They set the tone.
Fuckin' right, Jims. Look at ya now, Palmer?
Like, what are you fuckin' now, Palmer, you bitch!
How do ya fuckin' like it, Palmer?
Ya fuckin' bitch, look at ya now!
Their night's over, Sanguinet. Fuckin' psychos.
- Nice work, Jims. - Nice work, Jims.
You ready to watch this team
play three inches smaller?
Nice work, Jims.
Let's go, JJ!
- Let's go now. - Let's go now.
Let's go!
40 miles! 40 hard miles, gents!
Run 'em up and fill 'em in, boys!
Nice work, Jims!
20 miles, boys! 20 hard miles!
Well, boys, ready to play your first third period
of the season? - Lotsa legs, Shoresy.
Here's where we need you, boys.
We need you right fuckin' now.
Right here in the third, alright?
Need everybody goin' here in the third.
Everything you've fuckin' got. Alright?
Everybody! Everything you got.
Leave it all fuckin' out there. Here we fuckin' go now!
- How you feelin'? - I'm still drunk.
Well, get it outta ya now.
You've gotta keep this heater going through playoffs.
Don't worry, Nat, we're winning the NOSHO
and going to the National Senior Tournament.
Yew-hew-hew-hew! - I know.
So, it was Schnurr who was fuckin' ya.
- I was fucking him. - Whatever.
So, all the boys got their girls?
Nat, I think at the end of the day,
that's all any of us are really playin' for.
- You're gonna win us a ship. - We'll never lose again.
What if I told you, you could do it all on home ice?
Last time I checked, you were 10K short
of the necessary 50K.
Good effort, but still an L.
- We got the 50. - How?
The...
The Soo Hunt.
I think their fans must've really loved your calendar shots
blown up like that.
Every fan in the rink bought one.
- How much? - Enough to clear 50K.
We made our bid for the National Senior Tournament,
and we got it.
The best hockey teams in Canada
are coming here to play for the National title
against you, in Sudbury.
You got anything to say?
Let's set the fuckin' tone!