This'll slow them down.
[JAZMINE SCREAMS] Oh, my God.
Did you just throw Jazmine?
Look out behind you. [TOM SCREAMS]
[STINKMEANER YELLING]
Hurry up. Lock it. I'm trying.
What we gonna do, man? Boys.
Uh, you stay here and hold the door.
Ha-ha! I got you, little nyukka.
HUEY: Granddad, help. Sorry, boys. Cheers.
HUEY: Granddad, where you going?
RILEY: Why you punking out on us?
STINKMEANER: Bitch-ass, nyukka!
[STINKMEANER YELLING]
* Already won So you already done *
* With the shots While they put you hot *
* So you drop the gun *
* You don't want no war This is for *
* You want your word You ain't calling your fam *
Ruckus!
[GASPS]
Ruckus, help!
No, no. Y'all niggas get away from me.
Leave decent non-nigga folks alone.
Damn it, Ruckus, help me.
Help me, you fat, black, one-eyed motherfucker.
No, Robert, no. You brought these niggas on yourself.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[STINKMEANER GROWLS]
[*****]
[SIGHS]
Yes. Ha-ha-ha!
I made it! I made it! I'm free!
HUEY: Granddad. Uh?
Are you having a bad dream?
Shoot, heh. Bad for y'all.
* I lived, you died *
* I lived and you died *
* I am the stone The builder refused *
* I am the visual The inspiration *
* That made lady Sing the blues *
* I'm the spark That makes your idea bright *
* The same spark That lights the dark *
* So that you can know Left from right *
* I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun *
* The inner glow That lets you know *
* To call your brother sun *
* The story that just begun *
* The promise Of what's to come *
* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *
* Till the war is won Won *
* Chop, chop, chop Judo flip *
* Chop, chop, chop *
[*****]
STINKMEANER: We know that niggas can create
conflicts based on ignorance,
called "Nigga Moments."
However, niggas can also create bonds with each other
also based on ignorance.
This bonding is called "Nigga synthesis."
Unlike the bonds of friends and family,
which are mutually beneficial, nigga synthesis is based
on a mutual appreciation for ignorant or trivial things.
Now, when a nigga moment collides with nigga synthesis,
you get a complete motherfucking disaster.
Remember this equation.
You will need it later, nigga.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[CHIPMUNK SQUEALING]
[*****]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, hell no. What y'all want, niggas?
Hurry up. I ain't got all day.
We're looking for a place called Woodcrest. Is this it?
Maybe. Look, you want gas or not?
We're looking for a man.
Oh, yeah, I bet you are.
You're looking for the number man.
Or the weed man. Or the welfare man.
No, the man I'm looking for is named Freeman.
Robert Freeman.
Oh, hell, no. I knew it.
You related to Robert Freeman?
[*****]
So you know him?
Yeah, I know him.
But Woodcrest don't need no more coloreds.
We got our colored quota filled.
So y'all can just get to stepping
and get in that piece of shit car,
turn it around and head it back up the road,
Krusty the Coon.
Why don't you just tell me where Robert is,
before I put five across your lip, you big black dummy.
Yeah, start talking, you one-eyed, fish-eyed fool.
Hey. We ain't got all night, buffalo butt.
I ain't scared of y'all decrepit Negroes. Come on.
[RUCKUS SCREAMS]
[BLOWS LANDING]
Yo. Turn on the news.
The attack happened yesterday at this gas station
just outside of Woodcrest.
The victim, a Mr. Uncle Ruckus... No relation. ...had this to say:
Lord, there was three of them.
Two black nigga men and one black nigga woman.
Oh, they each had big black lips, big black nostrils,
and a big black attitude problem.
Police have released this composite sketch
of the attackers based on the victim's description.
Yo. Ha-ha!
How he get beat up by a gang of old people?
[LAUGHS] That's odd.
I ain't seen nothing that bad
since Granddad got beat up by Stinkmeaner.
Hey.
It's all right, Granddad.
I probably kill a nigga too if they embarrass me like that.
I killed a man in self-defense.
In defense of your ego, maybe.
Well, tough titty for him.
He's dead and I'm going fishing.
[*****]
Excusez-moi.
We here for Huey and Riley Freeman.
WOMAN [ON PA]: Huey Freeman, please report
to the front office.
You know what's going on?
They said our aunt and uncle came to pick us up.
Aunt and uncle?
Man, something's not right.
Come on, let's go.
[*****]
Just how far away is their classroom? The moon?
They should've been here by now.
You know kids, always lollygagging.
It'll just be a second.
Can I offer you some water or...
RILEY: Yo, where we going?
I don't know, but we getting out of here.
[*****]
Well, well, well. We came a long way
to kill y'all little niglets.
Now it's time for the big bonanza.
You know what this is, suckers.
[LAUGHS]
Yo, you see these two old-ass niggas?
Come on. Yo.
Why we running?
[BOTH YELL]
Damn, them old niggas can jump.
[*****]
[GRUNTING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Motherfucking ass like you stole something.
Who you think you fucking with, huh?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[YELLS]
[*****]
GRANDDAD: * Fishing *
* Fishing I'm baiting this hook *
* Gonna catch me Some fish today *
Good morning. Crabbing, huh?
Heh-heh. How's it going?
Oh, I think I might catch me a few more today.
Fascinating creature, the crab.
Got that hard exterior,
but he ain't really dangerous,
except to another crab.
Dumb as all hell, can't even walk straight.
Matter of fact, the only thing a crab is good for
is holding back other crabs.
A crab don't wanna see another crab make it.
Yeah...
Uh, I guess.
MAN: Crab is like, "If I'm
gonna die, we all gonna die."
I admire that. Mm-hm.
We all gotta die sometimes,
might as well help each other get there.
I mean, that's what you did to Stinkmeaner.
[GASPS]
Isn't that right, Robert Freeman?
[SCREAMS]
No, no, no, no!
[SCREAMS]
You don't know... What's happening?
Just wait a minute now.
It's your ass now.
[*****]
Put that away. Put it away.
[*****]
I'll whoop your ass.
Hear me what I'm saying, nigga?
Punk-ass motherfuckers.
[RILEY GROANS]
[*****]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
BOY: You can't catch me.
WOMAN: Damn bell done rang.
Come on, let's go.
[*****]
[GROWLING]
You done it now.
Okay.
[GRANDDAD GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS] [MUTTERING]
[GRUNTING]
Aah! Crabs on my face. Aah!
[WATER SPLASHES]
Help! Help!
[*****]
GRANDDAD: Why, Lord, why?
I can't believe it's happening again.
Who are these people? And where did they come from?
HUEY: Desperate for answers,
we turned to the one place that might tell us what we need:
Wikipedia.
Okay, let's see here. "Old and blind.
"Worst human being ever.
"Killed by Robert Freeman.
Came back from the dead."
Wait. Look at this.
"In his younger years, Colonel Stinkmeaner
"belonged to a crew of violent hoodlums
known as the Hateocracy. Colonel H. Stinkmeaner..."
STINKMEANER: Gimme this shit, little nigga.
It's my story.
Now my boy, Lord Rufus Crabmiser,
Lady Esmerelda Gripenasty,
and Mr. George Pissedofferson
met at the Better Pastures Retirement Home.
Now we hated each other right away.
But we hated everyone else even more.
Oh, yum.
Swipe. Jell-O jack, nyukka.
[ALL LAUGH]
Not again.
[COUGHS]
WOMAN [OVER PA]: A 9. A 9.
[CROWD GASPS]
Bingo, sucker!
ESMERALDA: Turn your ass around
and look at your damn card.
Now what the fuck I win, nyukka?
A, um... Ahem.
Subscription to Reader's Digest?
Gimme that shit, nigga.
[STINKMEANER LAUGHING]
Move out the way, bitch!
[GROANS]
STINKMEANER: Eventually, they couldn't
take us no more
and they kick us the fuck out.
My crew roam the Earth
whooping niggas' asses for a decade and then we split up.
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner... "...died years later
in a street fight with Robert Freeman from Woodcrest."
Hey, that... That's me.
"Once notified of Stinkmeaner's death,
"the surviving members of the Hateocracy reunited
to enact revenge on the Freeman family."
Oh, this is terrible.
What did I do to deserve this?
Uh, you killed a nigga.
What that got to do with anything?
Eventually they're gonna find out where we live.
Why me? Man, I say we go out there
and ride on these fools.
Yes. Let's kill them before they kill us.
That's a plan that can't go wrong.
What if it doesn't end there, Granddad?
This could go on forever.
I'm telling you, Granddad,
I know exactly how to handle this.
They wanna go to war, I'll take them niggas to war.
[ALL SCREAMING]
What's up, partner?
Ed, stop. That ain't them.
[GASPS]
Reap the whirlwind, you sick bastard.
Ed, stop. Stop!
[*****]
Ed, stop!
Okay, that didn't work.
Well, at least you tried.
Some people think we should just sit here
and wait to be killed. Shoot.
We need protection.
But there's only one person who can help us now.
[BUZZING]
[*****]
Yes?
HUEY: Uh, yeah. Is this
Mr. Bushido Brown?
Now, see, you done already messed up.
My name is Grand Master Bushido Brown.
And if you ain't got no money,
this about to be a real short conversation, you dig?
GRANDDAD: Uh, how was your flight,
uh, Mr. Brown?
First class was comfortable, I hope?
Your time is running out. What's the job?
There are some people out to get us.
We need protection around the clock.
Man, I work for people with real money.
Judging from this place, y'all can't even afford Bushido Brown.
We'll pay whatever it costs.
How much it gonna cost?
How much is your life worth?
No, see, I'm asking you
how much your bodyguard services are gonna cost.
And I'm asking you how much your life is worth, Jack.
[*****]
STINKMEANER: Bushido Brown's services
came with a whole lot of bullshit.
The first was that he got to sleep in Robert's bed.
Robert the bitch-ass Freeman had to fly out
two personal assistants, a cook,
and a spiritual advisor all first class,
all of whom stayed at their house.
Heh-heh. Them niggas had to sleep in the living room.
The garage was converted into a workout room,
which only Bushido Brown was allowed to use.
He also required 1200 thread count sheets,
imported Wagyu Kobe beef from Japan,
and a Tushioki hands-free auto-cleaning toilet,
all at Robert's expense.
They found themselves in the fucked up position
of wishing my crew
would try to whoop they asses even sooner.
WOMAN [ON PA]: Leranze, your break is over.
Oh, excuse me.
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
[GASPS]
Excuse me for a second,
I have to use the latrine.
[SCREAMS] [GRUNTS]
No, wait! Stop!
It's only 30 seconds late.
Bushido! No, don't do that, Bushido!
Leave him alone, Bushido! Bushido Brown.
Don't do it, Brown.
[ALARM BLARING] GRANDDAD: That's my car!
I can't stand this waiting.
I don't know how much longer I can afford this guy.
Why don't they try to kill us already? Damn.
How do we know those crazy old coots
are still even after us? Maybe they went home,
or died of old age, or something.
That bullshit-ass toilet you bought just broke.
You mean it won't flush?
Did I say it won't flush?
The hands-free cleaning system won't work.
I told you to get the Tushioki 2200 series.
You got the 1100 series
and the 1100 series is some bullshit.
Well, they didn't have the 2200 series.
That's your problem. You better have a replacement
before I have to take a shit again.
Well, what if I can't get the replacement in time?
Hey, I don't care if you wipe it,
but Bushido Brown don't wipe his own ass.
Nigga, did you just tell me to wipe your ass?
That's it, you fired.
You firing Bushido Brown?
You heard me. You and all these raggedy
motherfuckers you brought with you get the fuck on.
I'm sick of this shit.
Now, you do understand there's no refunds
for early termination on our agreement.
Whatever, nigga. Beat it.
[*****]
Wait. I changed my mind.
Too late, old man.
Too late.
Now, if you want to hire me again, I might be available.
Okay, fine. For double the fee.
Double the fee? But I've already paid you!
Hey, this ain't a negotiation.
Take it or leave it.
If I was you, I'd take it.
[*****]
Okay, fine. Damn it.
[*****]
Aha, yes.
The legendary Bushido Brown.
The greatest black karate man to ever live.
That's Grand Master Bushido Brown.
Of course it is.
Ooh, ooh...
ESMERALDA: Come on, boy. Come on.
I ain't scared of you.
RILEY: You like that, old lady?
[GROANS]
[GRUNTING]
[LAUGHS]
[ALL GRUNTING]
ESMERALDA: I want this nigga to fight me.
Come on, fight like a man, you little punk bitch.
I'll bet your ass...
Oh! My wig.
[GRUNTING]
RILEY: Whoop that trick.
[YELLS]
Yeah! Yeah!
[GROANS]
RILEY: Get him.
GRANDDAD: Duck down!
GRANDDAD: Bushido, make your move.
[ALL GRUNTING]
[*****]
[ALL GASP]
Dynamite. RILEY: Aw. Ew.
[BUZZING]
It is a beautiful day to fuck shit up.
[LAUGHS]
ALL: Oh, shit!
[*****]
Now what we gonna do?
Aw, man. We gonna die now.
This is all your fault, Granddad.
Wait. This doesn't have to end this way.
Stinkmeaner's death was a huge mistake,
but killing us isn't gonna bring him back.
He's right. Look,
what happened with Stinkmeaner,
it shouldn't have happened, okay?
I admit it.
I was embarrassed 'cause I got beat up by an old man.
I was ashamed.
I could have walked away from it then, but I didn't.
I didn't mean to kill him,
it just happened.
It's my fault. I'm sorry.
There, I've said it. I'm sorry.
It was wrong. And I wish I could take it back, but I can't.
So please, please, can't we just end this?
[*****]
Man, we don't give a fuck about no Stinkmeaner.
What? What?
Just because he was our nigga,
don't mean we gave a shit about his ass.
We don't need no reason to fuck shit up.
That's why we drink Hennessy, that's why we smoke menthols,
that's why we's niggas.
We likes to ruin shit.
Hell, y'all just gave us an excuse.
If it wasn't you,
we'd probably just pick someone at random
and ruin their life.
Huh? Oh, come on.
Well, now what?
Now you die.
[SIRENS WAILING]
OFFICER: Everybody freeze. Oh, the police.
Thank God for the poli... I mean, uh,
who snitched? Who called the po-po?
OFFICER: Move it, move it.
All right, you three are under arrest
for the murder of Bushido Brown.
Oh, thank you, officer. Thank you.
I can't believe somebody snitched. That's gay.
These three won't be bothering you anymore.
Now, why do you think they were after you guys?
It was a nigga moment. Oh, of course.
A nigga moment.
Well, there's only one way to end a nigga moment for good.
Jail. Jail?
Jail. Heh-heh.
That makes sense.
Jail. Isn't that great, Huey?
Jail. Of course.
Oh, thank God for jail.
Glad we could help.
STINKMEANER: And that's the moral
of the story.
Some niggas just need to go to jail.
I might be in hell,
but at least I ain't in jail, nigga. Ha-ha-ha!
Let me out this car.
I can't believe somebody snitched.
Niggas is out here like running faucets.
GRANDDAD: Y'all can get
off my property now.
And make sure you clean this headless dickhead off my yard,
and get that ass-squirting toilet out of my house too.
[MEN SCATTING]
MAN 1: Let's swing it. MAN 2: Whoo!
[MEN SCATTING]
[MEN LAUGHING]
MAN: Ooh, yeah, that's good.