1 00:00:04,144 --> 00:00:05,379 (ENGINE REVVING) 2 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:09,450 (TRAIN WHISTLE) 3 00:00:09,517 --> 00:00:12,553 (OCEAN LINER HORN BLOWS) 4 00:00:17,024 --> 00:00:19,126 ** 5 00:00:55,195 --> 00:00:56,697 (CHEERING) 6 00:01:00,701 --> 00:01:03,003 Thank you, everybody! Hello. 7 00:01:05,473 --> 00:01:06,874 JEREMY: Thank you. 8 00:01:08,275 --> 00:01:09,843 Thank you so much! 9 00:01:13,781 --> 00:01:16,484 Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. 10 00:01:16,517 --> 00:01:18,151 This is The Grand Tour, 11 00:01:18,218 --> 00:01:20,320 and this week... we've come home! 12 00:01:20,387 --> 00:01:21,955 (WILD CHEERING) 13 00:01:23,023 --> 00:01:25,959 We're back! We're back in Britain. 14 00:01:28,061 --> 00:01:30,564 We're actually in Yorkshire, which is... 15 00:01:30,631 --> 00:01:32,866 -(CHEERING) -There you go. 16 00:01:32,933 --> 00:01:35,368 Which is where all three of us grew up. 17 00:01:35,503 --> 00:01:38,305 -Specifically-- Yeah, specifically... -MAN: Whitby! 18 00:01:38,371 --> 00:01:41,975 We're in the fishing port of Whitby. There it is. 19 00:01:42,042 --> 00:01:43,511 (CHEERING) 20 00:01:45,378 --> 00:01:48,649 Now, Whitby, of course, is famous all around the world 21 00:01:48,716 --> 00:01:51,351 for its unbelievable fish and chips. 22 00:01:51,418 --> 00:01:53,554 JAMES: With scraps. -(LAUGHTER) 23 00:01:53,621 --> 00:01:55,088 You what? 24 00:01:55,155 --> 00:01:57,057 Fish and chips with scraps. You get scraps. 25 00:01:57,124 --> 00:01:59,793 Little bits of batter that stay in the bottom of the fryer. 26 00:01:59,860 --> 00:02:01,328 -Yeah, scraps. -No, they're bits. 27 00:02:01,394 --> 00:02:03,531 -Fish and chips with bits. -No, it's scraps. 28 00:02:03,564 --> 00:02:05,533 (AUDIENCE CALLING OUT) 29 00:02:05,566 --> 00:02:08,201 -It is bits! Bits! -(CALLING OUT CONTINUES) 30 00:02:08,268 --> 00:02:10,303 Right, hands up for bits. 31 00:02:10,370 --> 00:02:12,105 RICHARD: Wrong! JEREMY: Scraps? 32 00:02:12,172 --> 00:02:13,874 (CHEERING) 33 00:02:13,941 --> 00:02:15,976 -See, it's scraps. -Don't argue with me. 34 00:02:16,043 --> 00:02:17,044 (LAUGHTER) 35 00:02:17,110 --> 00:02:19,146 Because I was born in Yorkshire. 36 00:02:19,212 --> 00:02:22,983 Every single one of my family back to the 17th century's from Yorkshire. 37 00:02:23,050 --> 00:02:25,018 I'm the most Yorkshire person in the world. 38 00:02:25,085 --> 00:02:28,221 You know, it's funny, cos you can't tell. You really wouldn't know. 39 00:02:28,288 --> 00:02:31,925 -(LAUGHTER) -Yorkshire people are famous for speaking their mind. 40 00:02:31,992 --> 00:02:34,094 -(LAUGHTER) -And when you... We... 41 00:02:34,161 --> 00:02:36,630 We never know what you're thinking. It's just... 42 00:02:36,697 --> 00:02:38,298 What am I thinking now? 43 00:02:38,365 --> 00:02:39,833 You're thinking you're brilliant 44 00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:41,635 and I'm an irritating little short-arse. 45 00:02:41,702 --> 00:02:43,036 (LAUGHTER) 46 00:02:43,103 --> 00:02:45,005 -How did you know? -Yeah, it's just... 47 00:02:45,072 --> 00:02:47,474 -It's incredible! -Yeah, I'm psychic, mate. 48 00:02:47,575 --> 00:02:50,678 Other things Yorkshire's famous for: cricket. That's not interesting. 49 00:02:50,744 --> 00:02:54,214 Ooh, and then there was a TV show called Last Of The Summer Wine, 50 00:02:54,281 --> 00:02:58,251 which was about three very badly dressed old men 51 00:02:58,318 --> 00:02:59,853 who fell over, 52 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:01,955 and everything they ever did went wrong. 53 00:03:02,022 --> 00:03:02,956 (LAUGHTER) 54 00:03:03,023 --> 00:03:04,592 -It was rubbish. RICHARD: Yeah, terrible. 55 00:03:04,625 --> 00:03:06,259 I don't know why that took off. 56 00:03:06,326 --> 00:03:07,828 Erm... Carmaking? 57 00:03:07,895 --> 00:03:09,229 Well, let's put it this way. 58 00:03:09,296 --> 00:03:10,964 It's not exactly the Detroit of the British Isles. 59 00:03:11,031 --> 00:03:12,800 -(LAUGHTER) -No, it's not. 60 00:03:12,866 --> 00:03:16,136 But there is a lot of motoring-related stuff here this week, 61 00:03:16,203 --> 00:03:18,438 because we're in town. 62 00:03:18,505 --> 00:03:19,940 (CHEERING) 63 00:03:20,007 --> 00:03:23,176 So, let's get on with the show. 64 00:03:23,243 --> 00:03:24,712 Yes, let's. 65 00:03:26,614 --> 00:03:28,849 We begin in Victorian times, 66 00:03:28,916 --> 00:03:31,318 when James May was a little old lady. 67 00:03:31,384 --> 00:03:32,519 (LAUGHTER) 68 00:03:32,620 --> 00:03:36,089 You see, back then, gentlemen of means-- 69 00:03:36,156 --> 00:03:38,926 -Rich people in tweed suits. -Yes, rich people in tweed suits 70 00:03:38,992 --> 00:03:42,229 would take what was known as the Grand Tour. 71 00:03:42,295 --> 00:03:44,231 They'd go off to France or Italy, 72 00:03:44,297 --> 00:03:47,400 and they'd spend a few months learning about culture 73 00:03:47,467 --> 00:03:49,069 and wine and music. 74 00:03:49,136 --> 00:03:51,639 Nowadays, of course, everybody goes to Magaluf 75 00:03:51,705 --> 00:03:54,307 and learns about beer and vomit and chlamydia. 76 00:03:54,374 --> 00:03:55,643 -(LAUGHTER) JAMES: Yeah. 77 00:03:55,643 --> 00:03:58,078 Now, we think this is a real shame, 78 00:03:58,145 --> 00:03:59,947 so Jeremy and I went off to Italy 79 00:04:00,013 --> 00:04:03,651 to do our own modern take on the Grand Tour. 80 00:04:03,651 --> 00:04:05,886 A wonderful, inspirational journey 81 00:04:05,953 --> 00:04:08,255 that not only gave its name to this show, 82 00:04:08,321 --> 00:04:11,358 but also to 1,000 GT cars: 83 00:04:11,424 --> 00:04:12,860 grand tourers. 84 00:04:17,865 --> 00:04:22,202 JEREMY: Our start point was the Tuscan hilltop city of Siena. 85 00:04:24,972 --> 00:04:29,476 Home to the most exciting horse race in the world: 86 00:04:29,542 --> 00:04:31,378 the Palio. 87 00:04:31,444 --> 00:04:33,013 -(GUNSHOT) -(CHEERING) 88 00:04:37,017 --> 00:04:37,885 (SHOUTS) 89 00:04:41,722 --> 00:04:43,190 Look at that! Wow! 90 00:04:45,058 --> 00:04:47,895 It was the beginning of what would be a very fabulous 91 00:04:47,961 --> 00:04:49,797 and very cultured journey. 92 00:04:51,531 --> 00:04:54,802 We'd visit the magnificent cities of Florence 93 00:04:54,868 --> 00:04:56,503 and Bologna and Verona 94 00:04:56,569 --> 00:04:58,471 on our way to the finishing point 95 00:04:58,538 --> 00:05:02,075 in the most magnificent city of them all: 96 00:05:02,142 --> 00:05:03,343 Venice. 97 00:05:03,410 --> 00:05:06,213 The cars we'd be driving were fabulous, too. 98 00:05:07,848 --> 00:05:10,117 James had chosen the Rolls-Royce Dawn, 99 00:05:10,183 --> 00:05:13,887 a new two-door, drop-head version of the Ghost. 100 00:05:15,723 --> 00:05:17,725 And I'd be in the DB11, 101 00:05:17,791 --> 00:05:19,426 the latest in a long line 102 00:05:19,492 --> 00:05:23,797 of elegant and beautiful Aston Martin grand tourers. 103 00:05:25,966 --> 00:05:27,901 Even its door mirrors are beautiful. 104 00:05:27,968 --> 00:05:29,803 Its wheels are beautiful. 105 00:05:29,870 --> 00:05:31,238 This is... 106 00:05:31,304 --> 00:05:34,742 This is one of the most beautiful cars I've ever seen. 107 00:05:34,742 --> 00:05:36,043 JAMES: Shame it's brown. 108 00:05:36,109 --> 00:05:38,746 -It isn't brown! -Yes, it is. 109 00:05:38,812 --> 00:05:40,981 It isn't brown! It's Sunset Orange. 110 00:05:41,048 --> 00:05:43,751 It's not brown in the way that my car is green. 111 00:05:43,817 --> 00:05:45,085 It's brown. 112 00:05:45,152 --> 00:05:47,821 Your car is a convertible BMW 7 Series. 113 00:05:47,888 --> 00:05:49,022 JAMES: No, it isn't. 114 00:05:49,089 --> 00:05:50,991 JEREMY: But is it a 7 Series underneath? 115 00:05:51,058 --> 00:05:52,960 -Bits of the floor panel. -There you go. 116 00:05:53,026 --> 00:05:56,129 £265,000 for a convertible 7 Series. 117 00:05:56,196 --> 00:05:57,264 It isn't! 118 00:05:57,330 --> 00:05:58,866 If you're going to drive across Italy, 119 00:05:58,932 --> 00:06:00,868 which we're going to do, taking in some culture... 120 00:06:00,934 --> 00:06:02,435 -Mm-hm. -...that's what you need. 121 00:06:02,502 --> 00:06:04,237 -A brown car? -It isn't brown! 122 00:06:04,304 --> 00:06:08,008 -It's brown! -Look, let's not bicker. 123 00:06:08,075 --> 00:06:11,611 Actually, on this occasion, let's get on. 124 00:06:11,678 --> 00:06:13,113 We are both going to drive across 125 00:06:13,180 --> 00:06:16,149 what is, I think, our favourite country in the world, 126 00:06:16,216 --> 00:06:18,986 enjoy some culture, enjoy some fine wine, 127 00:06:19,052 --> 00:06:20,687 some food, some art, some... 128 00:06:20,788 --> 00:06:22,890 (DISTANT ENGINE REVVING) 129 00:06:22,956 --> 00:06:25,425 -What was that? -(DIXIE HORN BLARES) 130 00:06:27,427 --> 00:06:29,863 -Is that Hammond? -Sorry I'm late. 131 00:06:29,930 --> 00:06:31,531 We didn't know you were coming. 132 00:06:31,598 --> 00:06:32,833 We rather hoped you weren't. 133 00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:35,502 Well, I am, and look at the car I've brought. 134 00:06:35,568 --> 00:06:38,939 Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat. 135 00:06:39,006 --> 00:06:41,141 707 American horsepower, 136 00:06:41,208 --> 00:06:44,011 and enough torque to pull that old building down. 137 00:06:44,077 --> 00:06:46,346 JAMES: Just... That "old building" is a... 138 00:06:46,413 --> 00:06:47,614 Oh, well, never mind. 139 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:51,151 Hammond, Tuscany, not really the home of the muscle car. 140 00:06:51,218 --> 00:06:55,823 Yeah, you see, I was worried you two were gonna be all boring and serious. 141 00:06:55,889 --> 00:06:58,191 And I am here to make sure this trip is fun 142 00:06:58,258 --> 00:07:00,260 because don't tell me the original Grand Tour wasn't fun. 143 00:07:00,327 --> 00:07:03,096 It was like an 18th century Cannonball Run, 144 00:07:03,163 --> 00:07:05,532 only with old-fashioned morphine instead of cocaine. 145 00:07:05,598 --> 00:07:06,967 This is gonna be brilliant. 146 00:07:07,034 --> 00:07:08,401 What's with your advertising? 147 00:07:08,468 --> 00:07:10,904 Well, because the Americans used to do the Grand Tour, 148 00:07:10,971 --> 00:07:12,906 and they used to get sponsors to help cover the costs, 149 00:07:12,973 --> 00:07:14,374 so I've got myself some sponsorship. 150 00:07:14,441 --> 00:07:16,509 JEREMY: What, Bobby's... What is a grit? 151 00:07:16,576 --> 00:07:18,078 That's a... It's a... 152 00:07:18,145 --> 00:07:20,013 a bit left over after coffee or potatoes? 153 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,849 -I don't know. -Well, it's there. 154 00:07:21,849 --> 00:07:23,350 "Rodeo Lube 'N' Tune." 155 00:07:23,416 --> 00:07:25,953 RICHARD: "Lube 'N' Tune." Yep, look at that. 156 00:07:26,019 --> 00:07:28,055 The things is, people will look at me in that 157 00:07:28,121 --> 00:07:30,057 and know I am on a Grand Tour. 158 00:07:30,123 --> 00:07:32,292 You, they'll think, "What are these two old farts doing?" 159 00:07:32,359 --> 00:07:34,361 JEREMY: Seriously-- -You have made no effort. 160 00:07:34,427 --> 00:07:36,463 You haven't got into the mood for this. 161 00:07:36,529 --> 00:07:39,099 Art, music, culture. 162 00:07:39,166 --> 00:07:40,667 JAMES: Refinement. JEREMY: Yes. 163 00:07:40,733 --> 00:07:43,070 JEREMY: Is this something to do with you? -(HORN BLARING) 164 00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:44,571 RICHARD: Yes. Yes, they're here. 165 00:07:44,637 --> 00:07:46,874 These are my spare tyres. 166 00:07:46,940 --> 00:07:48,708 Because on a trip like this, 167 00:07:48,775 --> 00:07:51,278 in a car with that much power and that much torque, 168 00:07:51,344 --> 00:07:52,880 I am gonna get through some tyres. 169 00:07:52,913 --> 00:07:54,147 -Tree. -Yeah. 170 00:07:57,450 --> 00:08:00,921 That lot was not gonna fit in the boot, or trunk, was it? 171 00:08:02,222 --> 00:08:04,091 That is luxury! That is grand touring. 172 00:08:04,157 --> 00:08:08,929 JEREMY: Reluctantly, we agreed to let our vulgar colleague tag along. 173 00:08:26,013 --> 00:08:28,181 (ENGINE REVVING) 174 00:08:28,248 --> 00:08:30,417 Ha-ha! 175 00:08:30,483 --> 00:08:33,553 Hammond, you're deliberately making an irritating noise. 176 00:08:33,620 --> 00:08:34,787 Please stop it. 177 00:08:34,922 --> 00:08:36,423 (GIGGLES) I am, yeah. 178 00:08:39,459 --> 00:08:45,532 I will freely admit that Hammond's Dodge Hellcat is a remarkable car. 179 00:08:47,534 --> 00:08:52,639 It would be perfect if we were at a tractor pull in Milwaukee. 180 00:08:52,705 --> 00:08:55,675 But we're not. We're here. 181 00:08:55,742 --> 00:08:57,544 And here in Tuscany... 182 00:08:58,811 --> 00:09:00,180 ...you need one of these. 183 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:17,397 This is the all-new replacement for the DB9, 184 00:09:17,464 --> 00:09:21,068 and it is the perfect car for the job. 185 00:09:22,435 --> 00:09:24,837 It even comes with three running modes. 186 00:09:24,972 --> 00:09:27,640 You've got Sport, Sport Plus, 187 00:09:27,707 --> 00:09:29,442 and the one I'm gonna use. 188 00:09:30,843 --> 00:09:32,479 GT. 189 00:09:32,545 --> 00:09:34,014 Grand Touring. 190 00:09:35,782 --> 00:09:40,988 Up front, there's a 5.2 litre, twin-turbocharged V12 191 00:09:41,021 --> 00:09:44,391 which produces 600 horsepower. 192 00:09:44,457 --> 00:09:46,994 And they are smooth horsepower. 193 00:09:47,027 --> 00:09:48,495 (ENGINE REVS) 194 00:09:48,561 --> 00:09:50,998 Dreamy horsepower. 195 00:09:55,002 --> 00:09:58,538 In the fullness of time, you'll be able to buy a cheaper version of this car 196 00:09:58,605 --> 00:10:01,441 with an AMG V8. 197 00:10:01,508 --> 00:10:04,377 It's all part of a deal that Aston have done with Mercedes, 198 00:10:04,444 --> 00:10:06,479 and you can see evidence of the deal already. 199 00:10:06,546 --> 00:10:09,216 This has got Mercedes switchgear, Mercedes electronics. 200 00:10:09,282 --> 00:10:11,451 It's even got Mercedes sat-nav. 201 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,288 And I've got to say... 202 00:10:15,355 --> 00:10:16,689 Aston Martin and Mercedes, 203 00:10:16,756 --> 00:10:20,327 that is the best Anglo-German marriage 204 00:10:20,393 --> 00:10:23,130 since Queen Victoria married Albert. 205 00:10:24,797 --> 00:10:26,866 James, though, disagreed. 206 00:10:26,933 --> 00:10:30,170 Actually, this is the best Anglo-German marriage. 207 00:10:34,707 --> 00:10:37,510 It's perfect, in fact, because it has all the things 208 00:10:37,577 --> 00:10:40,547 that we like to think of as being Britishness in a car. 209 00:10:40,613 --> 00:10:43,250 The sense that it was made by men in aprons, 210 00:10:43,316 --> 00:10:46,886 that there are craft skills and traditional materials involved. 211 00:10:46,953 --> 00:10:49,456 But then you've got the Germans there, with their hi-tech 212 00:10:49,522 --> 00:10:52,092 and their manufacturing efficiency. 213 00:10:53,693 --> 00:10:55,362 It's absolutely wonderful. 214 00:10:57,030 --> 00:11:00,633 It's... It's very serene. 215 00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:03,170 There are a lot of numbers I could quote on this car. 216 00:11:03,236 --> 00:11:05,138 You know, the usual: top speed, power, 0-60. 217 00:11:05,205 --> 00:11:07,074 All that sort of irrelevant rubbish. 218 00:11:07,140 --> 00:11:11,778 But I'm not going to, because that would be, frankly, uncouth. 219 00:11:11,844 --> 00:11:14,081 (DISTANT ENGINE REVVING) 220 00:11:14,081 --> 00:11:15,648 Oh, talking of uncouth... 221 00:11:18,318 --> 00:11:22,089 I'll admit, this is not a quiet car. 222 00:11:22,089 --> 00:11:23,590 (REVVING) 223 00:11:28,395 --> 00:11:30,930 You've got that big bass rumble and roar 224 00:11:30,997 --> 00:11:33,733 from the 6.2 litre V8 HEMI. 225 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:37,670 And over the top, that shrill, manic whine of the supercharger. 226 00:11:39,439 --> 00:11:41,774 Neither is it a particularly economical one. 227 00:11:41,841 --> 00:11:46,213 At full chat, it'll chew through its 18.5-gallon fuel tank 228 00:11:46,279 --> 00:11:48,148 in just 13 minutes. 229 00:11:50,117 --> 00:11:54,154 And, in fact, it needs so much air to mix with all that petrol it's drinking, 230 00:11:54,221 --> 00:11:56,423 they had to remove one of the headlights 231 00:11:56,489 --> 00:11:58,691 and replace it with a ram-air intake 232 00:11:58,758 --> 00:12:00,660 to feed air to the engine. 233 00:12:00,727 --> 00:12:03,296 So they swapped its eye for a nostril. 234 00:12:07,534 --> 00:12:09,836 The upside of all this, however, 235 00:12:09,902 --> 00:12:13,673 is that it's extremely fast. 236 00:12:13,740 --> 00:12:17,510 It'll do the standing quarter faster than a Porsche 911 GT3, 237 00:12:17,577 --> 00:12:19,646 but it costs, what, £50,000? 238 00:12:19,712 --> 00:12:23,216 You could have five of these for one of James May's Rolls-Royces. 239 00:12:24,851 --> 00:12:26,986 Oh, hello. This looks like a tunnel opportunity. 240 00:12:27,053 --> 00:12:28,755 (REVVING ECHOES) 241 00:12:29,989 --> 00:12:31,858 JAMES: Stop doing that! 242 00:12:31,924 --> 00:12:34,161 (LAUGHS) 243 00:12:34,227 --> 00:12:38,030 JAMES: That is a genuinely horrible noise that Hammond's car's making, 244 00:12:38,165 --> 00:12:40,167 and he just keeps doing it. 245 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:45,238 He keeps stamping one pedal, then stamping the other one, in his binary style. 246 00:12:45,305 --> 00:12:47,340 (INTERMITTENT REVVING) 247 00:12:50,510 --> 00:12:53,880 Sadly, the engine noise wasn't the only irritation. 248 00:12:55,748 --> 00:12:58,885 Is this just going to be a tour of Italy's petrol stations? 249 00:12:58,951 --> 00:13:01,621 Well, it depends how far apart they are, doesn't it, really? 250 00:13:01,688 --> 00:13:04,191 Look at it this way, think of the snacking opportunities. 251 00:13:04,224 --> 00:13:06,193 You've come to Italy for food. 252 00:13:06,226 --> 00:13:07,494 Yeah, but not crisps. 253 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:09,696 No, not crisps and hideous sausages from America. 254 00:13:09,762 --> 00:13:12,332 You don't know. It'll be different in different petrol stations. 255 00:13:12,399 --> 00:13:14,033 -It won't. -It will. 256 00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:15,968 Are there any Renaissance petrol stations we could visit? Baroque? 257 00:13:16,035 --> 00:13:18,771 No. Nor are there any Renaissance sausage rolls in there. 258 00:13:18,838 --> 00:13:19,839 JAMES: For God's sake. 259 00:13:19,906 --> 00:13:21,341 Having filled up his car, 260 00:13:21,408 --> 00:13:24,711 and himself, we were back on the road. 261 00:13:27,514 --> 00:13:30,217 A quick situation update. 262 00:13:30,217 --> 00:13:31,851 I'm driving through sunny It-- 263 00:13:31,918 --> 00:13:34,521 -(HELLCAT'S ENGINE REVVING) -Shut up! 264 00:13:34,587 --> 00:13:37,824 Bad news, James. I'm afraid there's a tunnel coming up. 265 00:13:37,890 --> 00:13:39,526 Are you ready? Are you ready? 266 00:13:39,592 --> 00:13:41,728 Don't do it, Hammond. Just relax. Enjoy a bit of quiet. 267 00:13:41,794 --> 00:13:43,630 (ENGINE REVVING) 268 00:13:45,265 --> 00:13:46,899 JAMES: Stop it! 269 00:13:46,966 --> 00:13:48,935 (LAUGHS) 270 00:13:49,001 --> 00:13:50,403 You have got to love that! 271 00:13:52,439 --> 00:13:56,075 JEREMY: Soon, we arrived in the Renaissance city of Florence, 272 00:13:56,142 --> 00:13:59,712 a traditional stopping point on the Grand Tour of old. 273 00:14:01,414 --> 00:14:03,483 Architecture. 274 00:14:03,550 --> 00:14:07,320 Opera di Firenze. This is what we're here for. 275 00:14:07,387 --> 00:14:09,389 This is why we're here. 276 00:14:10,423 --> 00:14:11,724 Best of all, though, 277 00:14:11,791 --> 00:14:16,062 James and I had managed to lose Hammond. 278 00:14:16,128 --> 00:14:19,632 JEREMY: He's really offending you, isn't he, with his Dodge? 279 00:14:19,699 --> 00:14:21,701 Honestly, I wouldn't say this lightly, 280 00:14:21,768 --> 00:14:24,604 but I have developed a genuine, deep, 281 00:14:24,671 --> 00:14:27,307 deep, heartfelt hatred for that thing. 282 00:14:27,374 --> 00:14:32,279 I can tell. You're going to go like Inspector Dreyfus in the Pink Panther films soon. 283 00:14:32,345 --> 00:14:34,080 You're not wrong. I've developed a twitch. 284 00:14:34,146 --> 00:14:37,317 When he comes near me and I'm waiting for that stupid noise it makes, 285 00:14:37,384 --> 00:14:38,818 my eye starts quivering. 286 00:14:38,885 --> 00:14:40,953 It's like somebody constantly being sick on you 287 00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:43,656 while you're trying to read a nice book. 288 00:14:46,359 --> 00:14:47,860 JAMES: As we were on our own, 289 00:14:47,927 --> 00:14:49,696 Jeremy and I decided to head for 290 00:14:49,762 --> 00:14:51,631 the renowned Uffizi Gallery... 291 00:14:52,899 --> 00:14:55,368 where we would enjoy a bit of peace and quiet 292 00:14:55,435 --> 00:14:57,637 as we appreciated its treasures. 293 00:15:02,609 --> 00:15:04,644 (DISTANT REVVING, SQUEALING) 294 00:15:08,915 --> 00:15:10,683 (SQUEALING CONTINUES) 295 00:15:12,218 --> 00:15:14,821 Who's hungry? Cos it's doughnut time! 296 00:15:14,887 --> 00:15:16,323 Yeah! 297 00:15:17,657 --> 00:15:19,526 You can have that one! 298 00:15:19,592 --> 00:15:21,694 Put sprinkles on that! 299 00:15:21,761 --> 00:15:24,864 Party on the hill in... wherever we are. Italy. 300 00:15:24,931 --> 00:15:26,333 Ya-ha! 301 00:15:27,534 --> 00:15:30,069 Finally bringing some life into this place! 302 00:15:30,136 --> 00:15:31,971 (SQUEALING CONTINUES) 303 00:15:33,906 --> 00:15:36,576 JEREMY: After Hammond had fitted some new tyres... 304 00:15:39,646 --> 00:15:43,516 ...James and I abandoned our visit to the Uffizi... 305 00:15:43,583 --> 00:15:46,453 and escorted him out of town. 306 00:15:46,519 --> 00:15:48,721 Hammond, we could see the smoke from your tyres 307 00:15:48,788 --> 00:15:51,558 from the other side of the city. 308 00:15:51,624 --> 00:15:52,959 RICHARD: I know! I know! 309 00:15:53,025 --> 00:15:55,795 Nobody in history has ever, 310 00:15:55,862 --> 00:15:58,631 ever doughnuted an Aston Martin. 311 00:15:58,698 --> 00:16:01,701 Yeah, they're not young buyers, are they? 312 00:16:01,768 --> 00:16:04,404 JEREMY: No, they're refined and cultured. 313 00:16:05,838 --> 00:16:10,377 I envy you, Hammond, cos you get to look at my Aston Martin. 314 00:16:10,443 --> 00:16:14,381 -Yeah, but there's a big problem with it visually. -What? 315 00:16:14,414 --> 00:16:16,182 It's brown! 316 00:16:16,248 --> 00:16:20,387 Sunburst Orange is what it is. 317 00:16:20,420 --> 00:16:23,055 RICHARD: Jeremy, I shouldn't worry. We all know the expression. 318 00:16:23,122 --> 00:16:25,392 Brown sky at night, shepherd's delight. 319 00:16:26,793 --> 00:16:29,095 That bloke's been done for that theft, you know? 320 00:16:29,161 --> 00:16:30,497 They caught him brown-handed. 321 00:16:30,563 --> 00:16:32,198 I'm starting to imagine 322 00:16:32,264 --> 00:16:37,404 what Richard Hammond would look like without a head... or skin. 323 00:16:37,437 --> 00:16:40,773 Once Hammond had finished rubbishing the Aston's colour, 324 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,476 he started to challenge its performance. 325 00:16:46,245 --> 00:16:50,082 Hammond is driving along behind me now like he wants to get past. 326 00:16:52,118 --> 00:16:53,420 Stupid boy. 327 00:16:54,654 --> 00:16:58,157 What is the top speed of that car of yours? 328 00:16:58,224 --> 00:17:00,660 199 miles an hour. 329 00:17:01,928 --> 00:17:05,732 Exactly. This will do 200, so back off. 330 00:17:06,766 --> 00:17:08,801 Well, yes, but it's 100 grand more. 331 00:17:08,868 --> 00:17:10,970 That's a very expensive mile an hour. 332 00:17:12,905 --> 00:17:16,175 JEREMY: Rather than get into a pointless war of words, 333 00:17:16,242 --> 00:17:19,111 I decided to put Hammond in his place 334 00:17:19,178 --> 00:17:21,514 and invited him to pull over here... 335 00:17:22,715 --> 00:17:24,784 ...at the Mugello race track. 336 00:17:28,254 --> 00:17:31,591 Why have you brought me to this not-at-all cultural place? 337 00:17:31,658 --> 00:17:35,862 Because I want to teach him a lesson about what real speed is. 338 00:17:35,928 --> 00:17:37,997 But he's got over 700 horsepower. 339 00:17:38,064 --> 00:17:39,766 Yes, I know, but you remember Jaws: 340 00:17:39,832 --> 00:17:41,200 big metal teeth, huge man? 341 00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:43,903 James Bond simply threw him through a window, 342 00:17:43,970 --> 00:17:46,072 and that's what I'm gonna do to him. 343 00:17:46,138 --> 00:17:49,509 -Do you mind if I don't take part in this? -(LAUGHS) 344 00:17:49,576 --> 00:17:50,810 I'll do it. 345 00:17:54,380 --> 00:17:57,717 JEREMY: So, as Hammond had some new tyres fitted... 346 00:17:57,784 --> 00:18:01,921 again, I took to the track for some sighting laps. 347 00:18:06,626 --> 00:18:08,961 Now, let's get one thing straight from the start. 348 00:18:09,028 --> 00:18:15,034 Aston Martins are not really designed to do track work. 349 00:18:15,101 --> 00:18:18,170 They're designed to look good, and that's it. 350 00:18:19,839 --> 00:18:22,709 Yes, the chassis on this, the DB11, 351 00:18:22,775 --> 00:18:25,411 was developed by a former Lotus engineer, 352 00:18:25,512 --> 00:18:26,846 but they actually told him 353 00:18:26,913 --> 00:18:30,182 to tune it more for comfort than handling. 354 00:18:32,519 --> 00:18:33,886 That being said, 355 00:18:33,953 --> 00:18:39,058 this has an aluminium chassis and some aero trickery. 356 00:18:40,259 --> 00:18:43,730 Air is sucked into holes behind the rear windows 357 00:18:43,796 --> 00:18:48,535 and then shot out of a vent on the boot lid, 358 00:18:48,535 --> 00:18:50,570 giving me a sort of air rear wing. 359 00:18:52,939 --> 00:18:56,075 Giving me grip... a lot of grip. 360 00:18:57,243 --> 00:19:00,780 And the traction control is simply astonishing. 361 00:19:00,847 --> 00:19:04,216 In most cars, it's like somebody hitting you on the head with a hammer, 362 00:19:04,283 --> 00:19:05,685 but in this, it's just going, 363 00:19:05,752 --> 00:19:08,988 "Erm... Hang on, hang on, hang on." There you go. 364 00:19:10,990 --> 00:19:13,626 Bloody hellfire! This is very, very good. 365 00:19:16,228 --> 00:19:20,567 Certainly it's good enough to be able to totally destroy 366 00:19:20,633 --> 00:19:22,769 Hammond's idiotic Dodge. 367 00:19:26,639 --> 00:19:28,808 This does not have a magnesium roof, 368 00:19:28,875 --> 00:19:30,943 carbon-fibre prop shaft. 369 00:19:31,010 --> 00:19:33,412 The engine isn't made from aluminium, it's made from cast iron. 370 00:19:33,479 --> 00:19:36,583 And you get the impression they'd have made it from stone if they could. 371 00:19:37,984 --> 00:19:41,888 What it does have is vast reserves of power, 372 00:19:41,954 --> 00:19:44,456 and even vaster reserves of character. 373 00:19:44,591 --> 00:19:46,092 This thing is just hilarious. 374 00:19:51,297 --> 00:19:52,765 (LAUGHS) 375 00:19:52,832 --> 00:19:55,868 Look at him in his little brown Aston, 376 00:19:55,935 --> 00:19:58,671 being all in control, and just not having fun, is he? 377 00:19:58,738 --> 00:20:00,172 I mean, what's the point? 378 00:20:01,874 --> 00:20:04,844 JEREMY: Showboating. Probably thinks I can't. 379 00:20:04,911 --> 00:20:07,980 Well, I'm sorry, Hammond, this is a 600 horsepower, 380 00:20:08,047 --> 00:20:09,816 rear-wheel drive Aston Martin. 381 00:20:11,250 --> 00:20:13,620 So I turned the traction control off, 382 00:20:13,686 --> 00:20:15,722 and all hell broke loose. 383 00:20:30,136 --> 00:20:31,337 (RICHARD LAUGHS) 384 00:20:31,403 --> 00:20:32,805 It will do this all day. 385 00:20:36,508 --> 00:20:37,576 JEREMY: Meanwhile... 386 00:20:37,644 --> 00:20:39,311 (BIRDS SINGING) 387 00:20:39,378 --> 00:20:41,848 JAMES: One of the purposes of the original Grand Tour 388 00:20:41,914 --> 00:20:44,216 wasn't just to look at things and learn about things. 389 00:20:44,283 --> 00:20:46,819 It was also to enhance your capabilities. 390 00:20:46,886 --> 00:20:48,788 You would learn to do things. 391 00:20:48,855 --> 00:20:51,390 You might do... I don't know, writing sonnets, 392 00:20:51,457 --> 00:20:54,761 playing musical instruments, regional cooking, maybe. 393 00:20:54,827 --> 00:20:57,029 I'm having a go at watercolour painting. 394 00:20:57,096 --> 00:20:59,265 -It's absolutely delightful. -(ENGINES REVVING) 395 00:20:59,331 --> 00:21:01,668 Apart from my reverie is occasionally interrupted 396 00:21:01,701 --> 00:21:05,672 by the... disgusting bellow of Hammond's muscle car. 397 00:21:08,675 --> 00:21:11,310 JEREMY: Mr. Hammond appears to have organised a helicopter 398 00:21:11,377 --> 00:21:12,812 to record the event. 399 00:21:15,147 --> 00:21:17,917 Ha-ha, Clarkson! Get past me now! 400 00:21:18,918 --> 00:21:21,153 Smokescreen you. (LAUGHS) 401 00:21:24,957 --> 00:21:27,059 What a moron you are, Hammond! 402 00:21:28,427 --> 00:21:29,962 Get out of my way! 403 00:21:32,531 --> 00:21:36,402 This is not a particularly cultural thing to do... 404 00:21:36,468 --> 00:21:38,004 but it is very good fun. 405 00:21:44,476 --> 00:21:46,012 (CLATTERING) 406 00:21:46,078 --> 00:21:50,116 Even though Hammond and I were having a big smoky riot, 407 00:21:50,182 --> 00:21:51,884 we'd learned nothing at all. 408 00:21:53,019 --> 00:21:55,221 So we decided to get scientific 409 00:21:55,287 --> 00:21:58,758 and do a proper timed flying lap. 410 00:22:10,169 --> 00:22:11,871 This matters. 411 00:22:11,938 --> 00:22:14,173 This is for Britain. This is for Europe. 412 00:22:15,541 --> 00:22:16,743 RICHARD: No silly business. 413 00:22:16,809 --> 00:22:19,211 Let's just get round this as fast as we can. 414 00:22:25,952 --> 00:22:27,820 JEREMY: With the flying lap completed, 415 00:22:27,887 --> 00:22:29,989 we met to compare times. 416 00:22:32,191 --> 00:22:34,393 -Go on, then. -All right, then. Two... 417 00:22:34,460 --> 00:22:36,162 -Yes. -Yes. 418 00:22:36,228 --> 00:22:38,364 18 seconds... 419 00:22:38,430 --> 00:22:41,400 -18? -Yes. Why, what have you got? What are you? 420 00:22:41,467 --> 00:22:44,636 18. B-But... 421 00:22:44,771 --> 00:22:47,473 -You're not making that up? -No. Two minutes 18... 422 00:22:47,539 --> 00:22:48,775 Ooh! 423 00:22:48,841 --> 00:22:50,276 ...point 79. 424 00:22:50,342 --> 00:22:52,211 Oh, thank God for that. 425 00:22:52,278 --> 00:22:54,213 I'm... It's crushing. Three-five. 426 00:22:55,314 --> 00:22:57,349 Well, it's hardly crushing, is it? 427 00:22:57,416 --> 00:22:59,551 -No, cos that's... -I don't know why you accepted the challenge. 428 00:22:59,618 --> 00:23:03,489 It's less then half a second for your extra 100 grand. 429 00:23:03,555 --> 00:23:04,556 (CHUCKLES) 430 00:23:04,623 --> 00:23:06,793 Well, hardly a big gloat, is it? 431 00:23:06,793 --> 00:23:08,527 (CHUCKLES) 432 00:23:08,594 --> 00:23:13,199 It's £100,000 for half a second and 1mph top speed. 433 00:23:13,265 --> 00:23:18,537 240 years of independence and that's the best they can do. 434 00:23:18,604 --> 00:23:21,874 JEREMY: As Hammond cheered himself up with some doughnuts... 435 00:23:23,042 --> 00:23:25,244 ...and then another set of tyres... 436 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,082 ...I went to join James. 437 00:23:32,484 --> 00:23:35,254 -(CLATTERING) JEREMY: (MUTTERS) Oh, shit. 438 00:23:40,492 --> 00:23:42,328 (CLATTERING CONTINUES) 439 00:23:45,832 --> 00:23:46,966 JEREMY: Agh! 440 00:23:47,033 --> 00:23:49,836 -Did you beat him, by the way? -Yeah. 441 00:23:49,902 --> 00:23:51,337 Good man. 442 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:57,176 JEREMY: As the sun slipped behind the Tuscan hills, 443 00:23:57,243 --> 00:24:00,312 we spent an enjoyable hour or so painting. 444 00:24:01,647 --> 00:24:03,449 But then... 445 00:24:03,515 --> 00:24:04,516 (REVVING) 446 00:24:08,487 --> 00:24:10,722 Ooh. 447 00:24:10,857 --> 00:24:12,224 What are you doing? 448 00:24:12,291 --> 00:24:15,094 I'm defusing a bomb, Hammond. What do you think I'm doing? 449 00:24:15,161 --> 00:24:16,528 JAMES: I'm baking a cake. 450 00:24:16,595 --> 00:24:19,265 -It looks like you're painting. -We are painting. 451 00:24:19,331 --> 00:24:22,734 JEREMY: Hammond then decided he'd like to have a go as well. 452 00:24:22,869 --> 00:24:24,436 (RICHARD GRUNTS) 453 00:24:24,503 --> 00:24:25,771 (CAN SHAKING) 454 00:24:25,872 --> 00:24:27,406 (LID POPPING) 455 00:24:27,473 --> 00:24:29,308 (SPRAYING) 456 00:24:30,476 --> 00:24:32,879 RICHARD: Right. -(SPRAYING CONTINUES) 457 00:24:32,945 --> 00:24:34,346 That one. 458 00:24:36,482 --> 00:24:37,483 Mm-hm. Mm-hm. 459 00:24:37,549 --> 00:24:39,385 (CAN SHAKING) 460 00:24:40,887 --> 00:24:43,189 JEREMY: Soon, our art was finished. 461 00:24:45,992 --> 00:24:47,559 I think I've rushed mine. 462 00:24:49,161 --> 00:24:51,230 Still, could be worse. 463 00:24:52,899 --> 00:24:54,400 It was difficult, before I saw this, 464 00:24:54,466 --> 00:24:58,004 to imagine anything more hideous than the actual car. 465 00:24:58,070 --> 00:24:59,939 But you've done it, Hammond. 466 00:25:00,006 --> 00:25:04,343 It's the way that you've managed to eradicate any sense of place. 467 00:25:04,410 --> 00:25:05,912 Yeah, I know. 468 00:25:11,017 --> 00:25:13,619 Your twitch! He's twitching! 469 00:25:13,685 --> 00:25:16,488 Even when he looks at the picture of your car, 470 00:25:16,555 --> 00:25:18,925 he's actually twitching! 471 00:25:18,991 --> 00:25:21,160 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 472 00:25:22,561 --> 00:25:23,930 All of the work... 473 00:25:23,996 --> 00:25:26,933 All of the work that Rolls-Royce put into that Dawn 474 00:25:26,999 --> 00:25:30,769 to make it quiet and refined and sublime, and all those things you'd expect, 475 00:25:30,836 --> 00:25:34,840 it all counts for absolutely nothing if it's anywhere near your Dodge, 476 00:25:34,941 --> 00:25:37,043 because that's all you can hear. 477 00:25:37,109 --> 00:25:39,211 Do you know something about that Hellcat? 478 00:25:39,278 --> 00:25:41,280 OK, I've done some research into it. 479 00:25:41,347 --> 00:25:44,283 The Hellcat is based on the old Chrysler 300C. 480 00:25:44,350 --> 00:25:45,717 Underneath, it's the same car. 481 00:25:45,784 --> 00:25:51,090 And the 300C, underneath, is a 1990s Mercedes E-Class. 482 00:25:51,157 --> 00:25:52,992 So what Dodge has done with that thing, 483 00:25:53,059 --> 00:25:57,463 if they put 700 horsepower in a 20-year-old taxi... 484 00:25:57,529 --> 00:25:58,530 that's what it is. 485 00:25:58,597 --> 00:26:03,135 Anyway, if you want to listen to two old men 486 00:26:03,202 --> 00:26:07,739 dribble on about music and opera whilst I have fun, 487 00:26:07,806 --> 00:26:09,841 there'll be more of that later on. 488 00:26:09,976 --> 00:26:12,311 But now it's time for us to check our mirrors 489 00:26:12,378 --> 00:26:16,048 and make a smooth left into Conversation Street. 490 00:26:16,115 --> 00:26:18,084 (MOODY JAZZ SAXOPHONE) 491 00:26:22,354 --> 00:26:23,990 (CHEERING) 492 00:26:24,023 --> 00:26:25,691 It is. 493 00:26:25,757 --> 00:26:27,659 Now... I have to say, 494 00:26:27,726 --> 00:26:30,997 James was very, very excited about coming to Whitby, 495 00:26:31,063 --> 00:26:34,766 because he'd heard that it's the centre of the British jet industry. 496 00:26:34,833 --> 00:26:36,768 He was very much looking forward to spending 497 00:26:36,835 --> 00:26:38,770 a couple of days looking at old drawings of Concord, 498 00:26:38,837 --> 00:26:42,808 but then he discovered that Whitby jet is actually this. 499 00:26:42,874 --> 00:26:44,043 (LAUGHTER) 500 00:26:44,110 --> 00:26:45,177 It looks like coal. 501 00:26:45,244 --> 00:26:46,378 -It is coal. -Is it? 502 00:26:46,445 --> 00:26:48,047 Thing is, though, they've worked out... 503 00:26:48,114 --> 00:26:49,481 Obviouasly, you can't burn coal any more 504 00:26:49,548 --> 00:26:52,151 because Al Gore goes nuts and a polar bear falls over, 505 00:26:52,218 --> 00:26:56,288 so they polish it up and then say it's precious. 506 00:26:56,355 --> 00:26:59,325 That's interesting, this, cos I've got the blurb here 507 00:26:59,391 --> 00:27:03,262 from Whitby's oldest retailer of the stuff, and it says, 508 00:27:03,329 --> 00:27:06,065 "Unlike other gemstones, 509 00:27:06,132 --> 00:27:09,501 jet is actually fossilised wood." 510 00:27:09,568 --> 00:27:13,039 Yes, because unlike other gemstones, it's coal. 511 00:27:13,105 --> 00:27:14,873 -Yeah, but... -(LAUGHTER) 512 00:27:14,940 --> 00:27:16,442 -But it's... -It's coal, isn't it? 513 00:27:16,508 --> 00:27:19,245 Unlike other gemstones, Hammond, it's a lot cheaper. 514 00:27:19,311 --> 00:27:21,480 -Well, yes, it would be. -(LAUGHTER) 515 00:27:21,547 --> 00:27:24,550 Well, seriously, you can get a jet ring, look, for 32 quid. 516 00:27:24,616 --> 00:27:26,952 You get a sack of it for ten quid. It's coal! 517 00:27:27,053 --> 00:27:28,320 -(LAUGHTER) -Thing is, though... 518 00:27:28,387 --> 00:27:29,721 We were thinking the other day, 519 00:27:29,788 --> 00:27:33,159 you know carmakers now they use bamboo, ash, walnut 520 00:27:33,225 --> 00:27:35,327 and carbon fibre to decorate bits of a car? 521 00:27:35,394 --> 00:27:37,663 -Why don't they use jet? -Exactly. 522 00:27:37,729 --> 00:27:40,066 Anybody would like to have some jet in their car. 523 00:27:40,066 --> 00:27:42,568 Actually, we've been doing a little bit of experimenting, Hammond. 524 00:27:42,634 --> 00:27:47,073 I've made a prototype. This is a gearstick with a jet knob... 525 00:27:47,106 --> 00:27:48,174 (LAUGHTER) 526 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:49,741 ...on the top. It's brilliant. 527 00:27:49,808 --> 00:27:52,411 I mean, it's not polished yet, but you change gear. 528 00:27:52,478 --> 00:27:54,613 It does make your hand a bit dirty. 529 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:56,948 But, no, that's a handy reminder. It is. 530 00:27:57,083 --> 00:27:59,085 Exactly. No, you're absolutely right 'cause you know, 531 00:27:59,085 --> 00:28:00,719 sometimes you drive an unfamiliar car, you're on the motorway 532 00:28:00,786 --> 00:28:03,122 and you think, "Oh, did I change into sixth? 533 00:28:03,189 --> 00:28:05,724 -Yeah, I did." -(LAUGHTER) 534 00:28:05,791 --> 00:28:08,694 Here's some conversation... for Conversation Street. 535 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,763 Erm... Bad news. There is a problem right now in this country. 536 00:28:11,830 --> 00:28:15,301 Not enough people are learning to drive. Seriously. 537 00:28:15,367 --> 00:28:20,339 In 2007, just over 16,000 driving tests were conducted. 538 00:28:20,406 --> 00:28:23,942 Last year, that had dropped to 4,650. 539 00:28:24,009 --> 00:28:28,114 That is a true fact. In less than ten years, 16,000 down to 4,000. 540 00:28:28,114 --> 00:28:29,281 And I know why. 541 00:28:29,348 --> 00:28:30,782 It's because kids leave school these days, 542 00:28:30,849 --> 00:28:33,419 they've no idea who Hitler was, they can't add up. 543 00:28:33,485 --> 00:28:35,121 They just know cars are bad. 544 00:28:35,154 --> 00:28:38,190 That's all they learn: cars are bad, cars are bad, cars are bad. 545 00:28:38,257 --> 00:28:40,159 Then, when they do get out of school, after what-- 546 00:28:40,226 --> 00:28:41,560 after school's finished, 547 00:28:41,627 --> 00:28:44,630 they go around and see speed cameras, traffic jams, 548 00:28:44,696 --> 00:28:47,833 signs saying "Please don't overtake cyclists" and think, "What's the point?" 549 00:28:47,899 --> 00:28:50,602 "No point learning to drive. I might as well just use Uber." 550 00:28:50,669 --> 00:28:52,304 Exactly. If I were a carmaker, 551 00:28:52,371 --> 00:28:55,141 I would be fighting like a Kilkenny cat 552 00:28:55,174 --> 00:28:57,409 to make sure every car I made 553 00:28:57,476 --> 00:28:59,545 was as interesting and as amazing as possible. 554 00:28:59,611 --> 00:29:02,381 But instead... Renault, they give us the KADJAR. 555 00:29:02,448 --> 00:29:04,150 -(LAUGHTER) -How many children... 556 00:29:04,150 --> 00:29:07,286 How many children will say, "If I work really hard and do my homework, 557 00:29:07,353 --> 00:29:09,855 one day, maybe, I can have a KADJAR"? 558 00:29:09,921 --> 00:29:12,258 RICHARD: Cos that's the car they grow up seeing. 559 00:29:12,324 --> 00:29:13,592 Worse still, Nissan Juke. 560 00:29:13,659 --> 00:29:16,495 -You really hate the Juke. -No, I hate it. 561 00:29:16,562 --> 00:29:18,397 -No, he genuinely hates... -No, I hate... 562 00:29:18,464 --> 00:29:22,234 I object to it existing. It shouldn't exist. I loathe it. 563 00:29:22,301 --> 00:29:24,670 On the motorway, you see them with their stupid, 564 00:29:24,736 --> 00:29:26,772 like, double bug eyes. 565 00:29:26,838 --> 00:29:28,073 Smug little... 566 00:29:28,174 --> 00:29:30,309 If I see one, I'm mad. I can't help myself. 567 00:29:30,376 --> 00:29:32,178 And it's cruel, and I'm sorry if you're in one. 568 00:29:32,178 --> 00:29:33,245 But I do, I see them. 569 00:29:33,312 --> 00:29:34,313 (WHISPERS) "I hate..." 570 00:29:34,380 --> 00:29:36,182 -(MOUTHING) -(LAUGHTER) 571 00:29:36,182 --> 00:29:39,351 JEREMY: He does. I was driving along with him the other day... 572 00:29:39,418 --> 00:29:41,220 I was busy telling him a story, 573 00:29:41,287 --> 00:29:42,221 and he was looking out the window going, 574 00:29:42,288 --> 00:29:43,955 "I hate you! I hate you!" 575 00:29:44,022 --> 00:29:45,357 I hate them. 576 00:29:45,424 --> 00:29:47,193 What's the most boring car on sale in Britain today? 577 00:29:47,226 --> 00:29:48,394 That's a good question. 578 00:29:48,460 --> 00:29:50,762 -(AUDIENCE CALLING OUT) MAN: Brown Astons! 579 00:29:50,829 --> 00:29:52,298 (LAUGHTER) 580 00:29:52,364 --> 00:29:54,966 RICHARD: Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! -Who said that? 581 00:29:55,033 --> 00:29:56,635 (APPLAUSE) 582 00:29:56,702 --> 00:29:58,537 Get out. Get out. 583 00:30:05,311 --> 00:30:06,912 Security, kill him. 584 00:30:06,978 --> 00:30:08,347 (LAUGHTER) 585 00:30:08,414 --> 00:30:10,482 "Brown Astons" my... 586 00:30:10,549 --> 00:30:12,584 I tell you what, if I were the boss of Volkswagen, 587 00:30:12,651 --> 00:30:14,152 I'd go and find the man who did... 588 00:30:14,220 --> 00:30:15,987 What's that tall Golf called? 589 00:30:16,054 --> 00:30:17,723 Oh, the SV. 590 00:30:17,789 --> 00:30:20,226 SV, that's it. The one that's like a Golf, 591 00:30:20,292 --> 00:30:22,628 but for people who have stovepipe hats. 592 00:30:22,694 --> 00:30:25,664 And I would bludgeon him with a tyre iron. 593 00:30:25,731 --> 00:30:28,600 "Why did you do that? Nobody wants one!" 594 00:30:28,667 --> 00:30:32,304 Just to be fair, I think VW have bigger concerns at the moment. 595 00:30:32,371 --> 00:30:34,640 OK, I want to talk about the Oxford Ring Road. 596 00:30:34,706 --> 00:30:37,476 I know it's miles away from here and from anybody watching, 597 00:30:37,543 --> 00:30:40,512 but the thing is, OK, for the last two years, 598 00:30:40,579 --> 00:30:43,382 they've been working on shrinking - slightly shrinking - 599 00:30:43,449 --> 00:30:45,551 two roundabouts and putting some traffic lights up. 600 00:30:45,617 --> 00:30:49,255 Now, do you know how much the budget was for that job? 601 00:30:49,321 --> 00:30:52,391 Er... Two roundabouts, ten grand a roundabout. I'd say 20 grand overall. 602 00:30:52,458 --> 00:30:55,026 £9 million. 603 00:30:55,093 --> 00:30:57,363 -Million? Nine million? -Nine million. 604 00:30:57,429 --> 00:31:00,966 Can you imagine the builder's face when he came out of that meeting? 605 00:31:02,568 --> 00:31:05,271 "They're gonna give me nine million quid 606 00:31:05,337 --> 00:31:07,406 to shrink a couple of roundabouts!" 607 00:31:07,473 --> 00:31:08,840 Well, that's why it's taken him two years. 608 00:31:08,907 --> 00:31:11,477 He had to make it look like nine million quid's worth. 609 00:31:11,543 --> 00:31:12,811 "Really difficult." 610 00:31:12,878 --> 00:31:14,045 This is not a word of a lie. 611 00:31:14,112 --> 00:31:18,717 £9 million will buy you a 30,000-square-foot house, 612 00:31:18,784 --> 00:31:19,818 OK, like this. 613 00:31:19,885 --> 00:31:22,588 That is a nine-million-quid house to build. 614 00:31:22,654 --> 00:31:25,991 You can have that or two shaved roundabouts... for your nine million quid. 615 00:31:26,057 --> 00:31:27,626 No. No, actually. No. 616 00:31:27,693 --> 00:31:30,362 Because - and this, again, is not a word of a lie - 617 00:31:30,429 --> 00:31:32,464 a few months ago, builder man - 618 00:31:32,531 --> 00:31:34,433 and it must have been a bet - 619 00:31:34,500 --> 00:31:37,303 he went back to the council and he said, 620 00:31:37,303 --> 00:31:38,570 "I need another million quid." 621 00:31:38,637 --> 00:31:40,038 -(LAUGHTER) -And they paid? 622 00:31:40,105 --> 00:31:42,874 And they paid! They paid! 623 00:31:42,941 --> 00:31:45,677 He probably shuffled in. "I broke me spade." 624 00:31:45,744 --> 00:31:46,812 (LAUGHTER) 625 00:31:46,878 --> 00:31:49,648 "Another million?" "Yes, of course. Happy to." 626 00:31:49,715 --> 00:31:51,817 Can I be cross for a moment with BMW? 627 00:31:51,883 --> 00:31:53,619 It'll be difficult to stop you. Yes. 628 00:31:53,685 --> 00:31:56,422 The thing was, last year they introduced this. 629 00:31:56,488 --> 00:31:57,989 They showed... They went, "Look at that." 630 00:31:58,056 --> 00:31:59,925 And everybody went, "That is fantastic!" 631 00:31:59,991 --> 00:32:04,330 It's an homage to the old CSL Batmobile from '72. 632 00:32:04,330 --> 00:32:05,997 Everyone was going, "When will you make it?" 633 00:32:06,064 --> 00:32:08,500 "We're not. It's just to show you what we could make." 634 00:32:08,567 --> 00:32:09,901 RICHARD: Why did they show us? 635 00:32:09,968 --> 00:32:11,437 JEREMY: Just don't do that! -Yeah, exactly. 636 00:32:11,503 --> 00:32:12,971 Actually, no, it doesn't matter, 637 00:32:13,038 --> 00:32:14,573 because they've come up with something else instead. 638 00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:16,842 This look. This is actually an homage 639 00:32:16,908 --> 00:32:19,711 to the original 2002, which is the old car on the left, 640 00:32:19,778 --> 00:32:22,781 and that, I think, actually looks pretty fab. 641 00:32:22,848 --> 00:32:24,750 -It does. Are they gonna make it? -No. 642 00:32:24,816 --> 00:32:26,518 Well, why show it to us, then? 643 00:32:26,585 --> 00:32:28,354 "Look what we could make but we're not." 644 00:32:28,387 --> 00:32:31,089 It's a good job BMW don't run the emergency services, isn't it? 645 00:32:31,156 --> 00:32:34,860 "Oh, look! You have drifted a long way from shore there, haven't you? 646 00:32:34,926 --> 00:32:37,128 We could drag you back behind our speedboat." 647 00:32:37,195 --> 00:32:40,799 "Will you?" "No. No, we just wanted you to know that we could." 648 00:32:40,866 --> 00:32:43,234 What they're being is prick-teasers. 649 00:32:43,369 --> 00:32:45,371 -Oh, you can't say that. -(LAUGHTER) 650 00:32:45,371 --> 00:32:46,838 I don't think you can say that. 651 00:32:46,905 --> 00:32:48,607 I'm not sure you can say that. 652 00:32:48,674 --> 00:32:50,376 Can you say "prick-tease"? 653 00:32:50,376 --> 00:32:52,077 MAN: A cock-tease! -Is it allowed today? 654 00:32:52,143 --> 00:32:55,013 "Cock-tease"? That's no different. You've just changed the name! 655 00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:57,516 It's a different way of saying "prick" or "dick". 656 00:32:57,583 --> 00:32:59,885 You could have said "penis tease". It doesn't matter! 657 00:32:59,951 --> 00:33:02,388 Conversation Street's taken a really bad turn. 658 00:33:02,388 --> 00:33:03,722 (LAUGHTER) 659 00:33:03,789 --> 00:33:07,258 The point I'm trying to make is BMW must stop doing that. 660 00:33:07,393 --> 00:33:08,394 (LAUGHTER) 661 00:33:08,394 --> 00:33:09,961 Whatever... Whatever it was. 662 00:33:10,028 --> 00:33:13,231 Now, if we had a Grand Tour medal, 663 00:33:13,298 --> 00:33:14,833 and we don't, but if we did, 664 00:33:14,900 --> 00:33:17,536 I know who the first recipient would be. 665 00:33:17,603 --> 00:33:19,705 Cos we heard this amazing story the other day. 666 00:33:19,771 --> 00:33:21,106 You know speed camera vans? 667 00:33:21,172 --> 00:33:23,509 Sit at the side of the road, blacked out windows, 668 00:33:23,575 --> 00:33:26,778 civil servant sitting inside watching YouPorn. OK? 669 00:33:26,845 --> 00:33:30,115 That's what it is. Waiting for someone to trip his camera. 670 00:33:30,181 --> 00:33:31,417 Now, someone, the other day, 671 00:33:31,483 --> 00:33:35,286 snuck up behind the speed-camera van, 672 00:33:35,421 --> 00:33:38,023 quietly undid its number plates 673 00:33:38,089 --> 00:33:39,925 put them on his own car 674 00:33:39,991 --> 00:33:42,461 and drove past at 100 miles an hour. 675 00:33:42,528 --> 00:33:45,096 I mean... literally the funniest thing ever! 676 00:33:45,163 --> 00:33:46,998 Well done, you, sir. 677 00:33:47,065 --> 00:33:48,434 Top work. 678 00:33:48,467 --> 00:33:50,201 -Absolutely... JEREMY: I love that. 679 00:33:50,268 --> 00:33:51,903 That is top, top work. 680 00:33:51,970 --> 00:33:54,239 Can I talk about the Alfa Romeo Quadrifoglio? 681 00:33:54,305 --> 00:33:55,507 -No. -Why? 682 00:33:55,574 --> 00:33:57,008 Because we've got to get back to our film. 683 00:33:57,075 --> 00:33:59,511 Tonight we are on a Grand Tour of Italy. 684 00:33:59,578 --> 00:34:01,179 There's James in a Rolls-Royce, 685 00:34:01,246 --> 00:34:02,948 Jeremy in an Aston Martin, 686 00:34:03,014 --> 00:34:05,617 and me in a Dodge Hellcat with two trucks full of tyres 687 00:34:05,684 --> 00:34:07,886 so I can do doughnuts whenever I want. 688 00:34:07,953 --> 00:34:10,355 Yes, and we pick up the action on day two 689 00:34:10,456 --> 00:34:13,158 of what was becoming, thanks to him, 690 00:34:13,224 --> 00:34:15,461 the journey from hell. 691 00:34:15,461 --> 00:34:16,862 (LAUGHTER) 692 00:34:21,467 --> 00:34:24,235 JEREMY: As the sun rose over the silent, 693 00:34:24,302 --> 00:34:26,705 misty Italian countryside... 694 00:34:26,772 --> 00:34:28,974 RICHARD: OK, let's get these out. 695 00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:30,609 (ENGINE STARTING) 696 00:34:30,676 --> 00:34:33,278 ...and Hammond extricated his entourage 697 00:34:33,344 --> 00:34:34,946 from the hotel car park... 698 00:34:35,013 --> 00:34:36,482 (LORRY BEEPING) 699 00:34:36,515 --> 00:34:38,884 (HORN TOOTING) 700 00:34:38,950 --> 00:34:42,087 ...James lowered the roof on his Rolls-Royce. 701 00:34:46,224 --> 00:34:47,392 -Morning. -Morning. 702 00:34:47,493 --> 00:34:49,495 That is the "silent ballet". 703 00:34:49,528 --> 00:34:52,163 -There's nothing silent about your lorries, Hammond. -No, not those. 704 00:34:52,230 --> 00:34:54,733 That's how Rolls-Royce themselves describe the roof 705 00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:56,401 going up and down, in this, look. 706 00:34:56,502 --> 00:34:58,570 -What, "silent ballet"? -"Silent ballet", that's what they say. 707 00:34:58,637 --> 00:35:02,841 They also talk about "the Dawn provides an erotic tingle on the skin." 708 00:35:02,908 --> 00:35:04,576 -Whoa! -This is all their words. 709 00:35:04,643 --> 00:35:07,412 -Actual Rolls-Royce...? -This is their words. Yeah, this is their bumf. 710 00:35:07,513 --> 00:35:12,017 They also say, "The car is a contemporary take on the casino lifestyle. 711 00:35:12,083 --> 00:35:15,521 It is intended to attract... people." 712 00:35:15,587 --> 00:35:18,056 -What sort of people? -People... 713 00:35:18,123 --> 00:35:19,658 People who put their seatbelts on? 714 00:35:19,725 --> 00:35:22,427 Exactly, people who put their seatbelts on and off 715 00:35:22,528 --> 00:35:25,697 and relish both freedom and sophistication. 716 00:35:25,764 --> 00:35:28,133 -"Casino lifestyle"? -Casino lifestyle. 717 00:35:28,199 --> 00:35:29,434 -(HORN HONKS) -What? 718 00:35:29,535 --> 00:35:30,669 Can we go? 719 00:35:30,736 --> 00:35:32,137 Have you got your seatbelt on? 720 00:35:38,209 --> 00:35:39,845 JEREMY: We then set off 721 00:35:39,911 --> 00:35:43,014 and decided to do a bit more road testing of our cars. 722 00:35:43,081 --> 00:35:46,752 I began by talking about the Aston Martin's interior. 723 00:35:49,688 --> 00:35:51,657 On the upside, 724 00:35:51,723 --> 00:35:55,561 Aston Martin have reprogrammed the Mercedes electronics 725 00:35:55,594 --> 00:36:00,699 so the warning beeps and buzzers are now less... Germanic. 726 00:36:00,766 --> 00:36:04,603 If you don't put your seatbelt on, for example, you get a discreet cough. 727 00:36:04,670 --> 00:36:07,372 A... (CLEARS THROAT) ...rather than a klaxon 728 00:36:07,438 --> 00:36:09,608 and somebody shouting, "Achtung!" 729 00:36:10,876 --> 00:36:13,144 On the downside is everything else. 730 00:36:13,211 --> 00:36:16,848 Er... The centrepiece of this dashboard here looks like a... 731 00:36:16,915 --> 00:36:19,685 How can I put this? ...like a lady part. 732 00:36:19,751 --> 00:36:22,988 And then the door lining here, well, it's just hideous. 733 00:36:23,054 --> 00:36:27,693 It look like a footballer's... kitchen worktop. 734 00:36:27,759 --> 00:36:31,963 It's annoying, cos Aston have done such a good job with the rest of this car. 735 00:36:32,030 --> 00:36:33,599 I was staggered 736 00:36:33,665 --> 00:36:36,001 by how good it was at the track yesterday. 737 00:36:36,067 --> 00:36:39,605 And yet, they've let it all down with this ghastly interior. 738 00:36:41,206 --> 00:36:43,942 In the Hellcat, Hank J Hammondberger 739 00:36:44,009 --> 00:36:46,778 hadn't noticed the quality of the fixtures and fittings. 740 00:36:46,845 --> 00:36:50,649 He was too busy playing with the toys. 741 00:36:50,716 --> 00:36:53,118 Oh, now, look at all of this. 742 00:36:53,184 --> 00:36:55,921 Timers, gauges... 743 00:36:57,288 --> 00:36:58,824 Oh. 744 00:36:58,890 --> 00:37:01,993 In my performance mode screen, 745 00:37:02,060 --> 00:37:04,229 I can measure G-forces, braking distance, 746 00:37:04,295 --> 00:37:06,632 reactions times, quarter-mile timer, 747 00:37:06,698 --> 00:37:09,000 eighth-of-a-mile timer, lap history. 748 00:37:09,067 --> 00:37:11,637 It's brilliant! 749 00:37:11,637 --> 00:37:13,171 Irrelevant twaddle. 750 00:37:15,340 --> 00:37:17,275 "Irrelevant twaddle." 751 00:37:17,342 --> 00:37:19,745 RICHARD: Oh, I've just seen my average MPG. 752 00:37:20,779 --> 00:37:22,147 What is it? 753 00:37:22,213 --> 00:37:23,915 6.6. 754 00:37:25,350 --> 00:37:28,019 Six miles to the gallon? 755 00:37:28,086 --> 00:37:30,656 RICHARD: I like to think of it as a healthy appetite. 756 00:37:30,722 --> 00:37:34,693 How many miles to the gallon has your Rolls-Royce been doing, James May? 757 00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:38,063 15.7 in the last 48 hours. 758 00:37:38,129 --> 00:37:42,200 JEREMY: Mine's been doing 21 miles to the gallon. 759 00:37:42,267 --> 00:37:45,370 That's cos it's boring and that's because it's brown! 760 00:37:45,436 --> 00:37:47,305 Oh, no. 761 00:37:47,372 --> 00:37:49,507 JEREMY: And, with that, the road test ended 762 00:37:49,574 --> 00:37:52,577 and another day of Hammond-based irritation began. 763 00:37:52,678 --> 00:37:54,245 (TYRES SQUEAL) 764 00:37:54,312 --> 00:37:56,948 RICHARD: * There'll be brown birds over... * 765 00:37:58,216 --> 00:38:01,119 * Don't it make my brown eyes brown? * 766 00:38:01,186 --> 00:38:02,754 It's orange! 767 00:38:03,922 --> 00:38:07,158 You join us at another petrol station. 768 00:38:07,225 --> 00:38:10,095 I don't need any, but guess who does. 769 00:38:10,161 --> 00:38:12,097 This car is excellent for ornithologists. 770 00:38:12,163 --> 00:38:14,700 It's so quiet going along here, I can listen to the birdsong. 771 00:38:14,733 --> 00:38:16,267 (DIXIE-HORN BLARES) 772 00:38:17,703 --> 00:38:19,871 -Hello, James. -(WILDCAT REVVING) 773 00:38:19,938 --> 00:38:21,707 Oh, for God's sake. 774 00:38:21,707 --> 00:38:23,108 Party button! 775 00:38:23,174 --> 00:38:25,176 (REVVING ECHOES) 776 00:38:25,243 --> 00:38:26,945 Stop doing that! 777 00:38:28,146 --> 00:38:29,447 Stop it! 778 00:38:29,514 --> 00:38:31,149 (LAUGHS) 779 00:38:31,216 --> 00:38:33,451 Go away! 780 00:38:33,518 --> 00:38:38,323 I genuinely am worried about the sanity of Chief Inspector Dreyfus. 781 00:38:41,259 --> 00:38:43,528 Many frustrating miles later, 782 00:38:43,594 --> 00:38:46,364 we reached the next stop on our Grand Tour: 783 00:38:46,431 --> 00:38:48,133 the region around Modena, 784 00:38:48,199 --> 00:38:52,237 which is home to three of the world's greatest carmakers. 785 00:38:55,573 --> 00:38:57,375 And, while Hammond sped off 786 00:38:57,442 --> 00:39:01,179 to give his cultural take on Lamborghini's history... 787 00:39:01,246 --> 00:39:04,750 Oh, my God. That is pure filth. 788 00:39:04,816 --> 00:39:06,184 ...James and I went off 789 00:39:06,251 --> 00:39:09,054 to buy a goodbye present for him. 790 00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:13,291 I think scissor doors actually make me horny. 791 00:39:13,358 --> 00:39:16,327 And when he'd finished his Brian Sewell routine... 792 00:39:17,595 --> 00:39:19,297 ...we met up to hand it over. 793 00:39:20,832 --> 00:39:23,068 We have had it done for you. 794 00:39:23,134 --> 00:39:24,669 -It's brilliant! -I know. 795 00:39:24,770 --> 00:39:26,337 It's in the style, actually, 796 00:39:26,404 --> 00:39:30,475 of an 18th-century Italian artist called Pompeo Batoni, 797 00:39:30,541 --> 00:39:31,977 who made a pretty good living 798 00:39:32,043 --> 00:39:36,281 out of painting visiting Americans on the Grand Tour 799 00:39:36,347 --> 00:39:39,785 and making them look like refined, 800 00:39:39,818 --> 00:39:42,053 cultured English gentleman. 801 00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:44,489 Yeah. Think of it as a souvenir of your trip. 802 00:39:44,555 --> 00:39:48,426 Thank you. Except a souvenir is what you get at the end of a trip. 803 00:39:48,493 --> 00:39:51,963 -Yeah, exactly. -Erm... 804 00:39:52,030 --> 00:39:55,033 JEREMY: While Hammond struggled to get the painting in his car 805 00:39:55,100 --> 00:39:57,168 for the long trip back to England... 806 00:39:57,235 --> 00:39:58,870 Er... 807 00:39:58,937 --> 00:40:04,142 ...James and I set off alone into the glory that is Italy. 808 00:40:08,279 --> 00:40:11,549 Oh, my word. Look at that view. 809 00:40:11,616 --> 00:40:13,584 (GASPS) 810 00:40:13,651 --> 00:40:16,287 Holy moley! 811 00:40:26,497 --> 00:40:27,999 That evening in Verona, 812 00:40:28,066 --> 00:40:31,302 we dined well at a Michelin-starred restaurant, 813 00:40:31,369 --> 00:40:34,439 and then we went to see something called Carmen, 814 00:40:34,505 --> 00:40:37,675 which wasn't at all what we were expecting. 815 00:40:37,742 --> 00:40:39,110 (OPERATIC SINGING) 816 00:40:42,814 --> 00:40:44,449 (DISTANT ENGINE REVVING) 817 00:40:44,515 --> 00:40:46,117 (TYRES SQUEALING) 818 00:40:52,257 --> 00:40:54,159 He hasn't gone home, has he? 819 00:40:59,097 --> 00:41:01,632 (SQUEALING CONTINUES) 820 00:41:01,699 --> 00:41:04,135 (COCKEREL CROWS) 821 00:41:04,202 --> 00:41:06,872 The next morning, we were up at first light 822 00:41:06,905 --> 00:41:08,940 to attempt another escape. 823 00:41:10,341 --> 00:41:13,244 (WHISPERS) James... that's his room. 824 00:41:15,313 --> 00:41:16,882 (DOOR OPENING) 825 00:41:20,785 --> 00:41:24,455 This has a quiet-start facility on it, but I don't know how it works. 826 00:41:25,690 --> 00:41:27,158 -Push it. -(MOUTHS) 827 00:41:28,226 --> 00:41:29,895 I could... It's really quiet. 828 00:41:29,895 --> 00:41:31,596 You start... You'll be all right. 829 00:41:33,798 --> 00:41:36,201 -(ASTON BONGS) -Don't bong! 830 00:41:36,267 --> 00:41:38,169 (WHIRRING) 831 00:41:38,236 --> 00:41:40,205 That's amazing, isn't it? 832 00:41:40,271 --> 00:41:43,774 That's firing 80 times a second, roughly. 833 00:41:43,909 --> 00:41:45,944 Ah, no noise. 834 00:41:46,011 --> 00:41:47,612 I can just drive out of here. 835 00:41:48,980 --> 00:41:51,216 -Oh, hello! Car trouble? -(SIGHS) 836 00:41:51,282 --> 00:41:53,651 JEREMY: Yeah. -Typical Aston, you see! 837 00:41:53,718 --> 00:41:54,819 It's broken down. 838 00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:56,521 You haven't got long to get it going 839 00:41:56,587 --> 00:41:58,924 cos I'll be down again in a second, changed and ready to roll. 840 00:41:58,957 --> 00:42:00,025 Ya-ha! 841 00:42:01,826 --> 00:42:03,328 (HORN TOOTS) 842 00:42:06,164 --> 00:42:09,734 JEREMY: Whilst Hammond was upstairs, chiselling off his sweat... 843 00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:10,936 (ENGINES STARTING) 844 00:42:11,002 --> 00:42:13,838 ...James and I made a run for it. 845 00:42:13,939 --> 00:42:16,942 And, in case he caught up with us on the motorway, 846 00:42:17,008 --> 00:42:18,944 we took some precautions. 847 00:42:20,946 --> 00:42:25,083 This is the work of a genius. 848 00:42:25,150 --> 00:42:27,652 We are now protected from Mr Hammond completely. 849 00:42:34,225 --> 00:42:38,129 James's head was a bit of a problem with this plan, but we've solved it. 850 00:42:41,799 --> 00:42:45,170 Don't worry if you don't recognise me, viewers. It's me. 851 00:42:45,236 --> 00:42:49,340 The question was, would Richard Hammond recognise him? 852 00:42:49,407 --> 00:42:52,010 Here comes Richard Hammond. Just look straight ahead. 853 00:42:52,077 --> 00:42:53,678 Look straight ahead. 854 00:42:53,744 --> 00:42:55,746 And the answer was... 855 00:42:55,813 --> 00:42:57,182 JAMES: Not looking. 856 00:42:59,985 --> 00:43:01,752 Oh, God. He's waving at me! 857 00:43:01,819 --> 00:43:03,354 (DIXIE-HORN BLARES) 858 00:43:04,889 --> 00:43:06,857 Well, he's clocked us, hasn't he? 859 00:43:06,992 --> 00:43:10,328 I think you're better off getting stone chips than looking like that. 860 00:43:11,329 --> 00:43:13,999 Mayday. Mayday. I'm disintegrating. 861 00:43:16,634 --> 00:43:18,603 Whilst James unwrapped himself 862 00:43:18,669 --> 00:43:21,806 and Richard filled up through his ruined present, 863 00:43:21,872 --> 00:43:24,809 I had another brainwave. 864 00:43:24,875 --> 00:43:27,745 I'm gonna lead him into the centre of Vicenza, yeah? 865 00:43:27,812 --> 00:43:29,280 Yes. 866 00:43:29,347 --> 00:43:31,616 I've sent out a tweet, and I put this on Facebook, 867 00:43:31,682 --> 00:43:35,720 saying that Richard Hammond will be appearing in the main square, OK? 868 00:43:35,786 --> 00:43:37,888 -Yes. -So he gets out. 869 00:43:38,023 --> 00:43:39,057 -He's mobbed. -Yes. 870 00:43:39,124 --> 00:43:42,093 -We scarper, OK? -Very good. I like it. 871 00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:43,761 -Have you done it in Italian? -Yes. 872 00:43:43,828 --> 00:43:46,731 Oh, good. Only thing is, I've made a slight mistake. 873 00:43:46,797 --> 00:43:48,833 I have said here that Richard Hammond will be - 874 00:43:48,899 --> 00:43:53,038 I wanted to say "appearing" but I've put "exhibiting himself". 875 00:43:53,038 --> 00:43:54,505 Well, it'll get a crowd. 876 00:43:59,710 --> 00:44:03,848 Back on the move, I put my plan into action. 877 00:44:03,914 --> 00:44:07,152 I thought we'd turn off the motorway here, Hammond. 878 00:44:07,218 --> 00:44:09,720 Vicenza's got a doughnuting area in it. 879 00:44:09,787 --> 00:44:11,689 Has it? 880 00:44:11,756 --> 00:44:13,258 Yeah, no old statues. 881 00:44:13,324 --> 00:44:17,428 There's Starbucks, McDonald's, Dunkin' Donuts. 882 00:44:17,495 --> 00:44:19,530 I'm right, aren't I, James? 883 00:44:19,597 --> 00:44:22,933 I think they've got an American football team, haven't they, in Vicenza? 884 00:44:23,068 --> 00:44:26,304 They have, the Vicenza Red Bears. 885 00:44:26,371 --> 00:44:28,073 OK. 886 00:44:28,073 --> 00:44:29,640 We'll have a little mooch about. 887 00:44:31,709 --> 00:44:34,779 Soon, we were approaching the centre of the town. 888 00:44:36,081 --> 00:44:38,183 I just need a crowd big enough 889 00:44:38,249 --> 00:44:41,819 to keep him occupied for 20 minutes. 890 00:44:41,886 --> 00:44:44,522 I don't know how many people will have read my tweet. 891 00:44:45,823 --> 00:44:47,125 A couple of hundred. 892 00:44:49,094 --> 00:44:51,396 I was nearly right. 893 00:44:51,462 --> 00:44:53,298 (CHEERING) 894 00:44:54,632 --> 00:44:56,134 Oh, my God. 895 00:45:01,106 --> 00:45:03,374 This has gone really wrong. 896 00:45:04,609 --> 00:45:10,115 -This has gone so spectacularly wrong. -Jeremy! 897 00:45:13,418 --> 00:45:15,520 (CHEERING AND WHOOPING) 898 00:45:16,921 --> 00:45:18,456 RICHARD: Oh, my word! 899 00:45:18,523 --> 00:45:20,225 Hello. Is there an event on? 900 00:45:20,291 --> 00:45:22,327 (CHEERING CONTINUES) 901 00:45:23,361 --> 00:45:25,163 It's Mr Hammond you're looking for. 902 00:45:27,865 --> 00:45:29,734 Mr Hammond is in the Dodge. 903 00:45:32,170 --> 00:45:33,704 Oh, this is unnerving. 904 00:45:35,240 --> 00:45:38,143 Is it always this busy here? What's going on today? 905 00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:46,151 Look at that, we're free, and Hammond is stuck. (LAUGHS) 906 00:45:49,154 --> 00:45:51,021 Yes. Yes. 907 00:45:51,156 --> 00:45:52,223 We're out. 908 00:45:52,290 --> 00:45:54,559 Hammond is doomed! 909 00:45:54,625 --> 00:45:55,826 He's doomed! 910 00:45:57,328 --> 00:45:59,197 Leaving Hammond in what he thought 911 00:45:59,264 --> 00:46:01,199 was the muscle-car capital of Italy... 912 00:46:01,266 --> 00:46:02,700 (REVVING) 913 00:46:02,767 --> 00:46:03,768 (CHEERING) 914 00:46:03,834 --> 00:46:07,172 They like a rev. They do like a rev here. 915 00:46:07,238 --> 00:46:10,175 ...James and I headed out of town. 916 00:46:10,241 --> 00:46:13,344 Right, good. Venice, 23 miles away. 917 00:46:18,048 --> 00:46:19,984 I think it's fair to say 918 00:46:20,050 --> 00:46:24,789 that this entire trip has been a total disaster. 919 00:46:24,855 --> 00:46:30,060 But the Aston Martin has been the complete opposite. 920 00:46:30,195 --> 00:46:33,898 It was much, much better than I thought it was going to be on the track. 921 00:46:33,964 --> 00:46:38,203 It's staggeringly civilised and quiet on the road. 922 00:46:38,269 --> 00:46:41,806 It really is a superb grand tourer, 923 00:46:41,872 --> 00:46:44,775 and it is achingly pretty. 924 00:46:44,842 --> 00:46:48,613 Especially with this beautiful orange paintwork. 925 00:46:50,215 --> 00:46:53,884 JAMES: Jeremy may have been won over by his brown Aston, 926 00:46:53,951 --> 00:46:57,355 but I was truly smitten with the Rolls-Royce. 927 00:46:58,389 --> 00:47:00,057 What is it about a Rolls-Royce? 928 00:47:00,124 --> 00:47:04,295 A lot of people would say this isn't a car-lover's car. 929 00:47:04,362 --> 00:47:06,697 It's not sporty, it's not dynamic, 930 00:47:06,764 --> 00:47:08,333 it doesn't have modes for you to set. 931 00:47:08,399 --> 00:47:09,667 You can't even change the gears. 932 00:47:09,734 --> 00:47:12,637 You can only put it in forward or reverse. 933 00:47:12,703 --> 00:47:16,974 And yet, I think this is a car for people who love cars, 934 00:47:17,041 --> 00:47:20,545 because it gives you an entirely different driving experience. 935 00:47:20,611 --> 00:47:23,548 There is no other car that's quite like a Rolls-Royce, 936 00:47:23,614 --> 00:47:26,351 no other car that cossets you in the same way. 937 00:47:26,417 --> 00:47:30,054 This is a car that is kind to you. 938 00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:33,558 I think it is actually impossible to be unhappy if you're driving this car. 939 00:47:33,624 --> 00:47:35,360 And look at what I've had to put up with: 940 00:47:35,426 --> 00:47:37,262 Richard Hammond and Richard Hammond, 941 00:47:37,262 --> 00:47:38,696 Richard Hammond, the Dodge Hellcat, 942 00:47:38,763 --> 00:47:42,267 Richard Hammond, the Dodge Hellcat, and I'm still happy. 943 00:47:44,935 --> 00:47:48,506 JEREMY: As we arrived in Venice, we were in good spirits. 944 00:47:50,375 --> 00:47:51,509 And, the next morning, 945 00:47:51,576 --> 00:47:53,378 we did what all our predecessors 946 00:47:53,444 --> 00:47:55,913 on the Grand Tour would have done. 947 00:47:55,980 --> 00:47:58,649 We took in the sights from the water. 948 00:48:02,086 --> 00:48:03,588 It's so nice without Hammond. 949 00:48:04,855 --> 00:48:06,324 Dinner last night... 950 00:48:06,391 --> 00:48:09,460 Nice to order food without somebody going, "Have you got any chips?" 951 00:48:09,527 --> 00:48:12,897 Yeah. "Where's the ketchup?" 952 00:48:12,963 --> 00:48:16,166 JEREMY: He is never, ever going to get out of that square. I mean never. 953 00:48:16,301 --> 00:48:19,337 JAMES: I assume he's been crushed to death by now, or torn apart. 954 00:48:21,472 --> 00:48:22,940 Have you seen that? 955 00:48:23,007 --> 00:48:24,709 -Yeah. -What a moron. 956 00:48:24,775 --> 00:48:28,012 JAMES: An inappropriate brown powerboat. 957 00:48:28,078 --> 00:48:29,414 JEREMY: Orange. 958 00:48:29,480 --> 00:48:31,782 Is that allowed round here? I'm surprised, actually. 959 00:48:33,351 --> 00:48:35,420 Lads! 960 00:48:35,486 --> 00:48:39,223 JAMES: What a yob. JEREMY: I thought his Hellcat was bad. 961 00:48:39,324 --> 00:48:40,958 Hammond, no. 962 00:48:43,561 --> 00:48:45,930 That's really inappropriate, Hammond. Don't do that. 963 00:48:45,996 --> 00:48:47,164 This is very wobbly. 964 00:48:47,231 --> 00:48:49,834 JEREMY: Don't... Don't do that, Hammond. 965 00:48:49,900 --> 00:48:51,469 (LAUGHS) Yeah! 966 00:48:51,536 --> 00:48:53,471 Who's hungry? Who's for doughnuts? 967 00:48:53,538 --> 00:48:55,039 Hammond, stop it! 968 00:48:55,105 --> 00:48:56,907 -(RICHARD LAUGHS) -Whoa! 969 00:48:56,974 --> 00:48:59,744 Yah! Water doughnut! 970 00:48:59,810 --> 00:49:01,011 Stop it! 971 00:49:03,448 --> 00:49:05,516 (RICHARD LAUGHS, JAMES GASPS) 972 00:49:08,152 --> 00:49:10,688 JEREMY: Hammond! Hammond! 973 00:49:12,723 --> 00:49:14,058 (CHEERING) 974 00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:17,462 What? 975 00:49:19,096 --> 00:49:21,366 Grand Tour. We can do it again next year. 976 00:49:21,432 --> 00:49:23,568 Next year? Do it again next year? 977 00:49:26,136 --> 00:49:28,839 Not only did you knock us into 978 00:49:28,906 --> 00:49:31,942 the sewage-infested waters of Venice... 979 00:49:32,009 --> 00:49:35,112 you cut the present we gave you in half. 980 00:49:35,179 --> 00:49:37,181 No, hang on a minute. No, it was only like 981 00:49:37,247 --> 00:49:39,817 a two-piece jigsaw puzzle, and I put it back together again. 982 00:49:39,884 --> 00:49:42,286 Look, there it is. See? Perfect. 983 00:49:42,387 --> 00:49:43,521 -Hammond? -Yes. 984 00:49:43,588 --> 00:49:47,625 Art galleries do not saw artworks in half 985 00:49:47,692 --> 00:49:49,794 just to get them up the stairs, you moron. 986 00:49:49,860 --> 00:49:51,762 Anyway, listen, before we move on, 987 00:49:51,829 --> 00:49:53,798 can I just say something about that Aston Martin? 988 00:49:53,864 --> 00:49:56,601 Not to wind you two up. I genuinely mean this. 989 00:49:56,667 --> 00:49:57,835 It's an amazing car. 990 00:49:57,902 --> 00:49:59,837 I know the steering wheel is square. 991 00:49:59,904 --> 00:50:01,271 -And it was brown. -Yes. 992 00:50:01,406 --> 00:50:03,408 And I know the interior wasn't very nice, 993 00:50:03,474 --> 00:50:05,075 but, genuinely, it's affected me. 994 00:50:05,142 --> 00:50:08,312 It's been living up here ever since I got back. 995 00:50:08,379 --> 00:50:09,780 And talking of up here, 996 00:50:09,847 --> 00:50:13,884 it's now time to play Celebrity Brain Crash. 997 00:50:19,857 --> 00:50:20,791 (CHEERING) 998 00:50:20,858 --> 00:50:23,761 Yes, it's time for a top celebrity 999 00:50:23,828 --> 00:50:27,331 to try their hand at our fearsome test of skill, 1000 00:50:27,398 --> 00:50:29,634 co-ordination and observation. 1001 00:50:29,700 --> 00:50:32,369 Now, so far, I should explain, 1002 00:50:32,437 --> 00:50:35,673 no celebrity has actually made it to the tent. 1003 00:50:35,740 --> 00:50:37,074 -No, they've all died. -(LAUGHTER) 1004 00:50:37,141 --> 00:50:40,611 Yes, but our fingers are crossed for this week, 1005 00:50:40,678 --> 00:50:43,614 because our guest is a huge star. 1006 00:50:43,681 --> 00:50:46,684 You'll have seen him in Mission Impossible, 1007 00:50:46,751 --> 00:50:50,855 Star Trek, Shaun Of The Dead,Hot Fuzz, 1008 00:50:50,921 --> 00:50:53,591 and he's here to talk about his new movie - 1009 00:50:53,658 --> 00:50:55,660 Spielberg movie - Ready Player One . 1010 00:50:55,726 --> 00:50:58,796 Ladies and gentlemen, we've got Simon Pegg! 1011 00:50:58,863 --> 00:51:00,431 (CHEERING) 1012 00:51:02,366 --> 00:51:04,669 And there he is. 1013 00:51:04,735 --> 00:51:07,705 There he is, ladies and gentlemen, with his Cornetto. 1014 00:51:07,772 --> 00:51:09,239 RICHARD: Always a Cornetto. 1015 00:51:09,306 --> 00:51:12,710 JEREMY: He's battled aliens, he's battled zombies, 1016 00:51:12,777 --> 00:51:14,378 he should have no problem at all 1017 00:51:14,479 --> 00:51:16,814 with a short stroll through this pretty little town. 1018 00:51:16,881 --> 00:51:19,316 Of all his films, it's Paul that I like best. 1019 00:51:19,383 --> 00:51:22,520 -I think that stands out. - Paul was the forerunner of Ted, really. 1020 00:51:22,587 --> 00:51:24,489 -It was. -It was first. It came first. 1021 00:51:24,555 --> 00:51:27,858 Hot Fuzz . It's Hot Fuzz for me, just because of the fight scenes. 1022 00:51:27,925 --> 00:51:29,927 RICHARD: There he is. He's on the bridge. 1023 00:51:29,994 --> 00:51:32,763 -It looks like he's being hassled by seagulls. -(LAUGHTER) 1024 00:51:32,830 --> 00:51:35,265 They're after his Cornetto, I think. 1025 00:51:35,332 --> 00:51:36,801 Yeah, they're after his... Oh! 1026 00:51:36,867 --> 00:51:38,636 (LAUGHTER) 1027 00:51:38,703 --> 00:51:41,105 -Oh! -(APPLAUSE) 1028 00:51:41,171 --> 00:51:42,673 Oh, God. 1029 00:51:42,740 --> 00:51:44,509 There's literally nothing we can do. 1030 00:51:44,509 --> 00:51:45,910 We're gonna get a reputation. 1031 00:51:47,512 --> 00:51:48,779 Does that mean he's not coming on then? 1032 00:51:48,846 --> 00:51:50,748 -Well, James... -(LAUGHTER) 1033 00:51:50,815 --> 00:51:54,719 ...he fell into the harbour, and the icy North Sea waters are now filling his lungs. 1034 00:51:54,785 --> 00:51:57,121 It's a no. He's not coming on. 1035 00:51:57,187 --> 00:51:58,756 Oh, God... 1036 00:52:00,591 --> 00:52:02,760 Well, look, I... 1037 00:52:02,827 --> 00:52:05,530 -Oh. -I anticipated something like this. 1038 00:52:05,596 --> 00:52:07,097 -Did you? -Yes. 1039 00:52:07,164 --> 00:52:10,300 And so I prepared something else we can do to fill the time. 1040 00:52:10,367 --> 00:52:16,340 It's this. You know Google have been trying to build a self-driving car? 1041 00:52:16,406 --> 00:52:17,908 For seven years they've been at it. 1042 00:52:17,975 --> 00:52:20,611 We've got a picture of it. It's absolutely hideous. 1043 00:52:20,678 --> 00:52:22,880 I was thinking, "Well, how hard can it be?" 1044 00:52:22,947 --> 00:52:24,649 RICHARD: Oh, God. -(LAUGHTER) 1045 00:52:24,715 --> 00:52:26,684 Ten days ago I thought, "I'll give it a bash," okay? 1046 00:52:26,751 --> 00:52:28,385 And I've already finished it. 1047 00:52:28,452 --> 00:52:29,754 -Have you? -Yes, it's here. 1048 00:52:29,820 --> 00:52:30,955 -Is it? -Yes, it's here. 1049 00:52:31,021 --> 00:52:32,823 Let's bring it out. It's phone-operated. 1050 00:52:32,890 --> 00:52:34,892 -So, erm... Hang on. Just set.... -What? 1051 00:52:34,959 --> 00:52:37,461 No, here it comes. Right, forwards. 1052 00:52:37,562 --> 00:52:38,563 Forwards. 1053 00:52:38,596 --> 00:52:39,997 Please try not to be distracted 1054 00:52:40,064 --> 00:52:43,768 by the harrowing scenes... of... 1055 00:52:43,834 --> 00:52:46,737 Left, left. Straight. 1056 00:52:46,804 --> 00:52:50,074 ...the harrowing scenes of Simon's lifeless corpse 1057 00:52:50,140 --> 00:52:52,442 being fished from the harbour. 1058 00:52:52,577 --> 00:52:54,579 I know that's upsetting for some people. 1059 00:52:54,645 --> 00:52:57,648 Right, we need to make a bit of a a hole in the crowd back here, 1060 00:52:57,715 --> 00:52:59,817 cos I'm gonna bring it into the tent studio 1061 00:52:59,884 --> 00:53:01,852 so you can see how brilliant I've been. 1062 00:53:01,919 --> 00:53:03,688 -(LAUGHTER) -Forwards. 1063 00:53:03,754 --> 00:53:06,591 RICHARD: Really? -That is brilliant! 1064 00:53:06,624 --> 00:53:08,593 -It's... -Cheer, everybody. 1065 00:53:08,659 --> 00:53:10,094 (CHEERING) 1066 00:53:10,160 --> 00:53:13,330 Left. Left. Left. 1067 00:53:13,397 --> 00:53:15,600 -It's hideous! -Left. Forwards. 1068 00:53:16,934 --> 00:53:21,071 -It's... So, hold on. -Stop. Stop. 1069 00:53:21,138 --> 00:53:23,307 It's not brilliant. It's hideous, is what it is. 1070 00:53:23,373 --> 00:53:24,642 How can you say it's hideous? 1071 00:53:24,709 --> 00:53:27,111 I've copied Google's styling completely. 1072 00:53:27,177 --> 00:53:30,615 Is that a septic tank? 1073 00:53:30,615 --> 00:53:32,182 -Yes, it is. -(LAUGHTER) 1074 00:53:32,249 --> 00:53:35,385 Cut in half, and then I've mounted on the top 1075 00:53:35,452 --> 00:53:36,754 this chaise longue, 1076 00:53:36,821 --> 00:53:39,123 so the owner can recline in great comfort. 1077 00:53:39,189 --> 00:53:41,959 Yeah, yeah. How does it actually work? 1078 00:53:42,026 --> 00:53:42,927 Brilliantly. 1079 00:53:42,993 --> 00:53:45,195 Down here, a very small little camera. 1080 00:53:45,262 --> 00:53:49,634 That feeds a view of the road ahead to the system inside. 1081 00:53:49,700 --> 00:53:51,836 -What system? -Well, there's a bonnet here. 1082 00:53:51,902 --> 00:53:54,538 Come round, I'll show you the... the gubbins. Ready? 1083 00:53:54,639 --> 00:53:56,841 (CLEARS THROAT) There it is. 1084 00:53:56,907 --> 00:53:59,043 RICHARD: Well, it's just a man! 1085 00:53:59,109 --> 00:54:01,078 -It's just a man in there! -It isn't. 1086 00:54:02,279 --> 00:54:03,080 It is! 1087 00:54:06,651 --> 00:54:08,653 No. No. 1088 00:54:11,021 --> 00:54:14,024 It's not just a man. This is a Romanian man. 1089 00:54:14,091 --> 00:54:15,292 (LAUGHTER) 1090 00:54:15,359 --> 00:54:18,663 I am providing employment for newcomers to our country. 1091 00:54:18,696 --> 00:54:20,798 -Oh, God. -What do you mean, "Oh, God"? 1092 00:54:20,865 --> 00:54:22,833 Think about it. Google, yes? 1093 00:54:22,900 --> 00:54:26,804 Google, they use electronics to take away the work of a man. 1094 00:54:26,871 --> 00:54:29,907 This gives him a job, it gives him dignity. 1095 00:54:29,974 --> 00:54:32,476 -Dignity? -Yes, dignity. 1096 00:54:32,542 --> 00:54:34,078 It's a bit feudal, isn't it? 1097 00:54:34,144 --> 00:54:36,914 It's a bit brilliant is what it is. Let me close the bonnet. 1098 00:54:36,981 --> 00:54:38,683 I'm gonna go for my first-ever drive. 1099 00:54:38,716 --> 00:54:40,517 I'll go to t'foot of our stairs here, 1100 00:54:40,584 --> 00:54:42,486 which is a Yorkshire expression. 1101 00:54:42,552 --> 00:54:46,190 The great thing is, it's so easy to get in and out of, you know. 1102 00:54:46,256 --> 00:54:47,457 Look, there I am. 1103 00:54:47,524 --> 00:54:49,159 (LAUGHTER) 1104 00:54:49,226 --> 00:54:52,763 -Now I don't need the phone. I can use my speaking tube. -Oh, God! 1105 00:54:53,798 --> 00:54:55,032 There's a man in there! 1106 00:54:55,099 --> 00:54:57,367 What's Romanian for "backwards"? 1107 00:54:57,434 --> 00:54:58,836 Înapoi, I think. 1108 00:54:58,903 --> 00:55:01,538 Înapoi. It is, obviously. It's bilingual. 1109 00:55:01,605 --> 00:55:03,040 This is evil! 1110 00:55:03,107 --> 00:55:05,943 Google hasn't made it work, I have. 1111 00:55:06,010 --> 00:55:08,278 Îna... Backwards. I'll just stick to English. 1112 00:55:08,345 --> 00:55:10,180 Backwards. Backwards. 1113 00:55:11,615 --> 00:55:13,851 Thank you so much. 1114 00:55:13,918 --> 00:55:17,287 British engineering, ladies and gentlemen, 1115 00:55:17,354 --> 00:55:19,824 with Romanian parts. 1116 00:55:19,890 --> 00:55:22,559 What a combination that is. 1117 00:55:22,626 --> 00:55:24,361 Shit! Ah, my head! 1118 00:55:29,533 --> 00:55:31,168 Yep. Whatever. 1119 00:55:32,770 --> 00:55:36,340 -Anyway, I'm glad he's gone. -So am I. 1120 00:55:36,406 --> 00:55:39,977 No, I'm particularly glad because of what's coming up next. 1121 00:55:40,044 --> 00:55:43,013 Oh, yes! Yes. Now, right at the beginning of this series, 1122 00:55:43,080 --> 00:55:46,450 Jeremy Clarkson said, when we were at a race track in Portugal - 1123 00:55:46,516 --> 00:55:48,485 and he said it on the television - 1124 00:55:48,552 --> 00:55:51,288 that if his McLaren P1 wasn't faster 1125 00:55:51,355 --> 00:55:54,825 than Hammond's Porsche 918 or my Ferrari The Ferrari, 1126 00:55:54,892 --> 00:55:56,660 we could knock his house down. 1127 00:55:56,761 --> 00:55:58,228 Well, it wasn't, 1128 00:55:58,295 --> 00:56:01,598 so, one weekend when Jeremy was away, we... 1129 00:56:01,665 --> 00:56:03,233 Well, roll the tape. 1130 00:56:04,769 --> 00:56:06,303 JAMES: This is it, 1131 00:56:06,370 --> 00:56:11,075 200 years old and built from beautiful Cotswold stone. 1132 00:56:11,141 --> 00:56:13,010 Now, I want to make it absolutely clear 1133 00:56:13,077 --> 00:56:16,213 that this is Jeremy Clarkson's actual house. 1134 00:56:16,280 --> 00:56:19,116 Yeah, it really is. I'd swear to my children's lives on that. 1135 00:56:19,183 --> 00:56:22,186 It's Jeremy's house. He bought it when he fell in love with the view. 1136 00:56:22,252 --> 00:56:23,954 It is a lovely view, actually. 1137 00:56:24,021 --> 00:56:27,024 It is. It'll be even better soon, without a house in it. 1138 00:56:29,493 --> 00:56:31,896 RICHARD: Our plan was to smash the place down 1139 00:56:31,962 --> 00:56:34,664 with some big demolition equipment. 1140 00:56:34,799 --> 00:56:36,100 But there was a problem. 1141 00:56:40,504 --> 00:56:43,473 In this country, you can't knock a house down 1142 00:56:43,540 --> 00:56:47,011 if the council find evidence of bats living in it. 1143 00:56:47,077 --> 00:56:48,979 Well, they did, and now we've been told 1144 00:56:49,046 --> 00:56:52,149 we've got to take the roof off, quietly and by hand, 1145 00:56:52,216 --> 00:56:55,719 to give the bats the chance to go and live elsewhere. 1146 00:56:55,820 --> 00:56:59,289 James, I can't help but notice I am doing all of the work here. 1147 00:56:59,356 --> 00:57:01,959 JAMES: Yeah, you're gonna have to. I don't like it. 1148 00:57:02,026 --> 00:57:06,130 RICHARD: It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate. Climb it! 1149 00:57:06,196 --> 00:57:08,866 Not if you're me, it's not. How many bats are there? 1150 00:57:08,933 --> 00:57:09,934 -One. -One? 1151 00:57:10,000 --> 00:57:12,102 -Yes, a bat. -Just kill it. 1152 00:57:12,169 --> 00:57:13,838 We'll go to prison, mate. We can't. 1153 00:57:13,871 --> 00:57:16,140 Just because that little winged-mouse bastard 1154 00:57:16,206 --> 00:57:18,642 is hanging upside down in there, feeling smug with himself 1155 00:57:18,708 --> 00:57:21,045 cos I'm up this ladder, we can't knock the house down? 1156 00:57:21,111 --> 00:57:24,048 We've got to do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it. 1157 00:57:24,114 --> 00:57:26,951 Hammond, I hate... I hate heights. You know I do. 1158 00:57:27,017 --> 00:57:29,053 I hate ladders, I hate bats. 1159 00:57:30,720 --> 00:57:31,989 RICHARD: Many hours later, 1160 00:57:32,056 --> 00:57:35,359 and with no help at all from Spider-Man, 1161 00:57:35,425 --> 00:57:39,363 the roof was finally off and the bat was free to move. 1162 00:57:39,429 --> 00:57:40,464 But would it? 1163 00:57:40,530 --> 00:57:42,399 Why doesn't it go and live in there? 1164 00:57:42,466 --> 00:57:44,734 Because, let's be honest, that's perfect if you're a bat. 1165 00:57:44,869 --> 00:57:49,173 Yeah, well, it might, but it's got to decide to do so. 1166 00:57:49,239 --> 00:57:51,775 -Can we encourage it? -Yes, James. 1167 00:57:51,876 --> 00:57:56,146 Why don't you go and stand in that barn and squeak in a sultry and erotic manner? 1168 00:57:57,481 --> 00:57:58,883 (OWL HOOTING) 1169 00:57:58,949 --> 00:58:01,251 RICHARD: That night, Spider-Man stood in the barn, 1170 00:58:01,318 --> 00:58:04,088 squeaking in a sultry and erotic manner... 1171 00:58:04,154 --> 00:58:06,023 (JAMES SQUEAKING) 1172 00:58:06,090 --> 00:58:09,259 ...and the bat eventually succumbed. 1173 00:58:09,326 --> 00:58:12,062 So, the next morning, we were ready to go. 1174 00:58:28,178 --> 00:58:31,481 This thing really works! This rocks! 1175 00:58:31,548 --> 00:58:32,749 Oh, my word! 1176 00:58:32,816 --> 00:58:36,220 At this rate, we'd be done and dusted in no time. 1177 00:58:36,286 --> 00:58:39,623 However, my finickity colleague had an issue. 1178 00:58:41,191 --> 00:58:42,626 -Hammond! -What? 1179 00:58:42,692 --> 00:58:44,194 -Stop! -What? 1180 00:58:44,261 --> 00:58:45,095 Stop! 1181 00:58:45,162 --> 00:58:46,663 You don't just smash it to pieces. 1182 00:58:46,730 --> 00:58:49,399 You're supposed to dismantle it and leave it in neat piles. 1183 00:58:49,466 --> 00:58:52,069 It's got to be tidied up. You can't leave it like that. 1184 00:58:52,136 --> 00:58:54,771 It's actually quicker if you do it methodically. 1185 00:58:54,838 --> 00:58:56,606 Oh, God. Only you would say that! 1186 00:58:56,673 --> 00:58:58,943 You want neat piles of bits that can be carted away. 1187 00:58:58,976 --> 00:59:01,445 You need to work on that bit and that bit to start with, 1188 00:59:01,511 --> 00:59:03,280 then the rest falls neatly into a heap. 1189 00:59:03,347 --> 00:59:05,449 How can you make even this boring? 1190 00:59:05,515 --> 00:59:07,817 It's not boring. It's the way... I've watched it done. 1191 00:59:07,952 --> 00:59:10,654 That's how you do it. You don't just smash it. I'll do it. 1192 00:59:12,022 --> 00:59:15,292 James then commandeered my machine... 1193 00:59:15,359 --> 00:59:18,262 so I got another one and carried on regardless. 1194 00:59:19,763 --> 00:59:21,065 And bang! 1195 00:59:26,603 --> 00:59:28,838 JAMES: Ah! I've got it! 1196 00:59:28,973 --> 00:59:30,975 (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) 1197 00:59:33,810 --> 00:59:36,680 JAMES: Oh, it's like winning one of those things at the fair. 1198 00:59:36,746 --> 00:59:40,417 RICHARD: Thanks to me, at least, progress was being made. 1199 00:59:40,484 --> 00:59:41,285 However... 1200 00:59:41,351 --> 00:59:44,488 -(CREAKING) -I'm stuck on something. 1201 00:59:47,624 --> 00:59:53,463 Oh! Oh, I've broken my digger. Oh, dear. 1202 00:59:53,530 --> 00:59:57,301 With me out of action and James achieving nothing, 1203 00:59:57,367 --> 00:59:59,303 a new approach was needed. 1204 00:59:59,369 --> 01:00:01,471 But first, we had to clear the site 1205 01:00:01,538 --> 01:00:04,108 of Jeremy's most treasured possessions. 1206 01:00:05,409 --> 01:00:06,276 Shakira. 1207 01:00:07,511 --> 01:00:08,378 Shakira. 1208 01:00:09,946 --> 01:00:11,015 Shakira. 1209 01:00:14,484 --> 01:00:16,253 Oh! 1210 01:00:16,320 --> 01:00:19,623 That is a... strong image. 1211 01:00:19,689 --> 01:00:23,627 It's a tiny doll with pins in it, and your face. 1212 01:00:27,031 --> 01:00:30,367 Look, this is his photo album. It's probably really precious. 1213 01:00:31,935 --> 01:00:33,703 -Oh, it's a bit disturbing. -What? 1214 01:00:38,275 --> 01:00:40,810 -They're all of me. -Yep. 1215 01:00:40,877 --> 01:00:45,782 JAMES: At this point, we decided not to clear the site of his treasured possessions 1216 01:00:45,849 --> 01:00:48,152 and moved swiftly to plan B. 1217 01:00:49,186 --> 01:00:51,488 Short ceremony, say a few words? 1218 01:00:51,555 --> 01:00:52,589 Nah. 1219 01:01:10,074 --> 01:01:11,441 (SIGHS) 1220 01:01:13,210 --> 01:01:15,279 RICHARD: That... JAMES: That got it. 1221 01:01:17,947 --> 01:01:21,518 (CHEERING) 1222 01:01:25,455 --> 01:01:26,723 Done. 1223 01:01:29,559 --> 01:01:31,161 So, let's just get this straight. 1224 01:01:32,162 --> 01:01:34,431 You blew up... 1225 01:01:34,498 --> 01:01:36,666 that picture of me on the horse? 1226 01:01:36,733 --> 01:01:37,934 -Yep. -Yep. 1227 01:01:38,001 --> 01:01:40,104 -(LAUGHTER) -Yep. 1228 01:01:40,137 --> 01:01:43,773 And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. Thanks for watching. 1229 01:01:43,840 --> 01:01:44,974 See you next week. 1230 01:01:45,109 --> 01:01:46,576 -(CHEERING) -Good night! 1231 01:01:48,112 --> 01:01:50,180 **