1 00:00:56,313 --> 00:00:58,148 (CHEERING) 2 00:01:00,551 --> 00:01:01,985 Hello, everybody. 3 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:04,755 Hello. Thank you. 4 00:01:08,826 --> 00:01:10,528 Hello. 5 00:01:10,561 --> 00:01:12,596 Thank you. 6 00:01:12,663 --> 00:01:14,965 Thank you so much. 7 00:01:15,032 --> 00:01:17,601 Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Grand Tour, 8 00:01:17,668 --> 00:01:20,538 which, this week, comes from the Netherlands. 9 00:01:20,538 --> 00:01:21,972 (CHEERING) 10 00:01:24,241 --> 00:01:26,276 We're setting something of a record, actually, 11 00:01:26,343 --> 00:01:31,549 cos we are the first three British men ever to come here for a weekend 12 00:01:31,549 --> 00:01:33,551 and not vomit on a prostitute. 13 00:01:33,617 --> 00:01:34,818 (LAUGHTER) 14 00:01:34,885 --> 00:01:36,620 Actually, we love coming to Holland. 15 00:01:36,687 --> 00:01:38,355 James for his... for his own reasons. 16 00:01:38,421 --> 00:01:40,591 (LAUGHTER) 17 00:01:40,658 --> 00:01:43,393 And I like it because the Dutch are officially 18 00:01:43,460 --> 00:01:45,563 the tallest people on earth. 19 00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:47,297 It's true. True fact. 20 00:01:47,364 --> 00:01:49,900 -Yes, and I hate it here. I'm sick of... -(LAUGHTER) 21 00:01:49,967 --> 00:01:52,903 I'm sick of staring at belly buttons all day. 22 00:01:52,970 --> 00:01:58,341 The only problem I do have here is that I'm not allowed to use the word "swaffelen". 23 00:01:58,408 --> 00:01:59,743 RICHARD: Yeah. -(LAUGHTER) 24 00:01:59,810 --> 00:02:01,311 Well, you just did, didn't you? 25 00:02:01,378 --> 00:02:05,583 No, the thing is, OK, it is a really bad word here, 26 00:02:05,649 --> 00:02:07,250 and I have no idea why. 27 00:02:07,317 --> 00:02:10,020 -What does it mean? -It means... (CLEARS THROAT) 28 00:02:10,087 --> 00:02:11,188 (LAUGHTER) 29 00:02:11,254 --> 00:02:15,092 It means to bang your gentleman sausage... 30 00:02:15,158 --> 00:02:17,327 ...on the side of the Taj Mahal. 31 00:02:17,394 --> 00:02:19,329 -Oh, God! -(LAUGHTER) 32 00:02:19,396 --> 00:02:21,131 Anyway, listen. Erm... 33 00:02:21,198 --> 00:02:24,868 We're in Rotterdam, which is a marvellous city, in fact, 34 00:02:24,935 --> 00:02:27,004 because you aren't allowed to bring a car into the city - 35 00:02:27,070 --> 00:02:31,642 a petrol car - if it was built before 1992. 36 00:02:31,709 --> 00:02:36,013 You aren't allowed to bring a diesel car into the city if it was built before 2000, 37 00:02:36,079 --> 00:02:39,449 which means you're never held up by poor people. 38 00:02:39,516 --> 00:02:40,951 (LAUGHTER) 39 00:02:42,452 --> 00:02:45,322 -Really? -What else can we say about the Dutch? 40 00:02:45,388 --> 00:02:48,125 -Oh, of course, you gave the world speed cameras. -Oh, yeah. 41 00:02:48,191 --> 00:02:51,128 -So thank you very much for that. -Thank you. 42 00:02:51,194 --> 00:02:53,363 No, actually, I'd far rather be pulled over 43 00:02:53,430 --> 00:02:56,934 by the actual Dutch police rather than a speed camera, 44 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,637 cos, boy, oh, boy, do these guys look good. 45 00:02:59,703 --> 00:03:00,704 -We've got a picture here. -Whoa! 46 00:03:00,771 --> 00:03:02,640 (LAUGHTER) 47 00:03:02,673 --> 00:03:07,244 I would very much like to see a lady policeman in an outfit like that. 48 00:03:07,310 --> 00:03:10,413 -It looks like the guy on the right already has. -(LAUGHTER) 49 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,316 -Shall we get on with the show... man? -(LAUGHTER) 50 00:03:13,383 --> 00:03:14,985 Yes, good idea. Er... 51 00:03:15,052 --> 00:03:18,255 And coming up in our programme about cars this week... 52 00:03:19,556 --> 00:03:21,424 I try to pull a camel. 53 00:03:21,491 --> 00:03:23,794 Come on. Come on. 54 00:03:23,861 --> 00:03:26,029 A donkey pulls James. 55 00:03:27,297 --> 00:03:29,833 And Richard gets stuck in a cow orgy. 56 00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:33,136 I-I really am alarmed. 57 00:03:33,203 --> 00:03:38,742 But first, there's been a bit of an argument in the office between these two. 58 00:03:38,809 --> 00:03:40,577 You see, Richard maintains 59 00:03:40,678 --> 00:03:45,248 that the Mazda MX-5 is all the sports car you would ever need. 60 00:03:45,315 --> 00:03:48,585 -Because it is. -Mm-hm. But James says it isn't. 61 00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:50,187 Because it isn't. 62 00:03:51,521 --> 00:03:54,191 So we decided they should sort it out 63 00:03:54,257 --> 00:03:58,796 by going to the obvious proving ground for all sports cars: 64 00:03:58,862 --> 00:04:00,798 North Africa. 65 00:04:05,202 --> 00:04:07,137 (CALL TO PRAYER) 66 00:04:13,811 --> 00:04:15,245 (DRUMMING) 67 00:04:36,366 --> 00:04:38,068 RICHARD: This is it, 68 00:04:38,135 --> 00:04:42,740 the latest version of the bestselling two-seater roadster of all time. 69 00:04:43,907 --> 00:04:45,843 And it's easy to see why. 70 00:04:45,909 --> 00:04:47,444 Peppy little engine at the front, 71 00:04:47,510 --> 00:04:50,814 two seats in the open air in the middle, rearwheel drive. 72 00:04:50,881 --> 00:04:53,483 It's the perfect sports-car recipe. 73 00:04:53,550 --> 00:04:56,353 But layered on top of that in this new version 74 00:04:56,419 --> 00:04:58,822 you get air conditioning, heated seats, 75 00:04:58,889 --> 00:05:01,224 lane-departure assist, cruise control, 76 00:05:01,291 --> 00:05:04,027 rain-sensing wipers, dusk-sensing headlamps. 77 00:05:04,094 --> 00:05:06,229 You just can't do any better. 78 00:05:06,296 --> 00:05:10,133 Well, you can, actually, because all of those luxury items you're mentioning now, 79 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:13,871 they just add weight, and they mean it isn't a true sports car any more. 80 00:05:13,937 --> 00:05:15,372 -Yes, it is. -No, it isn't. 81 00:05:15,438 --> 00:05:18,141 Colin Chapman, he was the bloke who founded Lotus, 82 00:05:18,208 --> 00:05:22,179 he said the ethos of a sports car is simplify and add lightness. 83 00:05:22,245 --> 00:05:25,015 He didn't say you simplify and add electric windows. 84 00:05:25,082 --> 00:05:29,586 Yep, and then he gave all his money away to a drug dealer called John DeLorean. 85 00:05:29,652 --> 00:05:31,521 This, ladies and gentlemen, is what it's actually about. 86 00:05:31,588 --> 00:05:33,590 This is called the Zenos. 87 00:05:33,656 --> 00:05:37,294 You get four wheels, you get somewhere to sit, an engine, and that's it. 88 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:38,896 It's a sports car. 89 00:05:38,962 --> 00:05:42,032 -Yeah. What do you do if it rains? -Well, you'd get wet. 90 00:05:42,099 --> 00:05:44,034 What if you want to listen to the radio? 91 00:05:44,101 --> 00:05:45,969 Why would I want to listen to the radio around here? 92 00:05:46,036 --> 00:05:47,670 -Does it have a heater? -No. 93 00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:50,573 -Has it got windows? -Look, if you buy a football boot, 94 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,676 you don't expect it to be usable as a ballet shoe, do you? 95 00:05:53,811 --> 00:05:58,581 But Mazda has invented a football boot that you can wear to the opera. 96 00:05:58,648 --> 00:06:02,419 Look, I can guarantee that if you wear that shoe to the opera house... 97 00:06:02,485 --> 00:06:04,254 RICHARD: At this point, the director said 98 00:06:04,321 --> 00:06:07,290 he'd heard enough about shoes for one day... 99 00:06:07,357 --> 00:06:08,992 (ENGINE REVS) 100 00:06:10,527 --> 00:06:13,030 ...and told us to go for a drive. 101 00:06:20,637 --> 00:06:23,573 Right, now I'm away from Hammond's luxury sports car resort, 102 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,844 let me tell you a little bit about this remarkable car. 103 00:06:28,111 --> 00:06:30,513 It's powered by the 2L turbocharged engine 104 00:06:30,580 --> 00:06:34,117 from the Ford Focus ST, giving 250 horsepower. 105 00:06:34,184 --> 00:06:36,854 That's mounted in the middle, right behind my head there, 106 00:06:36,887 --> 00:06:39,222 driving the rear wheels through a no-nonsense, 107 00:06:39,289 --> 00:06:42,559 old-school six-speed gearbox. 108 00:06:42,625 --> 00:06:46,163 Now, 250 horsepower doesn't sound like a huge amount in the modern world, 109 00:06:46,229 --> 00:06:49,232 but this car, made with an aluminium spine 110 00:06:49,299 --> 00:06:52,102 and composite tub, and all the rest of it, 111 00:06:52,169 --> 00:06:54,137 weighs less than three quarters of a tonne, 112 00:06:54,204 --> 00:06:56,439 so it is genuinely quick. 113 00:06:56,506 --> 00:06:58,175 Look... Whoa! 114 00:07:05,082 --> 00:07:07,184 Yeah! (MIMICS ENGINE NOISE) 115 00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:16,126 It makes the noise of some futuristic propulsion system powered by antimatter. 116 00:07:16,193 --> 00:07:17,895 (ENGINE ROARS AND HISSES) 117 00:07:21,564 --> 00:07:23,533 Yes! Electrifying! 118 00:07:31,541 --> 00:07:35,545 James comes from a world where he wants his phone and his camera separate. 119 00:07:35,612 --> 00:07:37,114 "I like a paper diary." 120 00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:40,250 This Mazda is a smartphone. It does everything. 121 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:47,457 It looks brilliant, it will be endlessly reliable, it's fast, 122 00:07:47,524 --> 00:07:50,427 it's got speakers in the headrests, and it handles well. 123 00:07:54,597 --> 00:07:57,968 And you can get an MX-5 from £18,500. 124 00:07:58,035 --> 00:08:00,938 James's car starts at £33,000, 125 00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,173 and you don't even get doors! 126 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,608 My shed has got doors. 127 00:08:05,675 --> 00:08:08,445 I furnish my cats with doors. 128 00:08:08,511 --> 00:08:10,047 You need doors. 129 00:08:14,617 --> 00:08:16,019 (RATTLING) 130 00:08:17,420 --> 00:08:20,790 I bet he's being shaken to death in that thing. 131 00:08:20,857 --> 00:08:22,592 I bet Hammond thinks I'm being shaken to death in here, 132 00:08:22,659 --> 00:08:23,994 but actually he's wrong, 133 00:08:24,061 --> 00:08:27,430 because this isn't like a BAC Mono or a Radical. 134 00:08:27,497 --> 00:08:30,833 It is obviously very much a car for taking on the track, 135 00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:32,769 but it's been tuned for road use. 136 00:08:32,835 --> 00:08:34,037 It's quite supple. 137 00:08:34,104 --> 00:08:35,205 See? Look. 138 00:08:35,272 --> 00:08:37,807 Bump. It's all right. 139 00:08:37,874 --> 00:08:39,276 I'm very relaxed. 140 00:08:44,847 --> 00:08:47,417 JAMES: Eventually, we pulled over for a cup of coffee 141 00:08:47,484 --> 00:08:49,652 and a bit more arguing about doors. 142 00:08:51,288 --> 00:08:53,456 Just because they had them in the 12th century 143 00:08:53,523 --> 00:08:55,792 on cathedrals, whatever, you don't need them now. 144 00:08:55,858 --> 00:08:57,260 Don't be a slave to convention. 145 00:08:57,327 --> 00:08:59,396 But people had eyelids in the 12th century, 146 00:08:59,462 --> 00:09:02,099 and nobody's deciding, "Let's get rid of those, they're old hat." 147 00:09:02,165 --> 00:09:04,601 "Oh, no! I've got dust in my eyes and I can't sleep." 148 00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:06,803 That's completely facile, Hammond. You know exactly what I mean. 149 00:09:06,869 --> 00:09:09,472 The door... I mean, Riva speedboats don't have doors. 150 00:09:09,539 --> 00:09:11,008 You don't say... 151 00:09:11,041 --> 00:09:13,876 (EXHALES) This is lovely, isn't it? 152 00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:15,478 What are you doing here? 153 00:09:15,545 --> 00:09:18,115 Well, word reached me that you two were talking rubbish. 154 00:09:18,181 --> 00:09:21,618 -What do you mean, "rubbish"? -Well, if you want the best sports car, 155 00:09:21,684 --> 00:09:24,221 you don't want a Mazda or a Zenos. You want-- 156 00:09:24,287 --> 00:09:26,123 Oh, God. He's brought an Alfa Romeo. 157 00:09:26,189 --> 00:09:27,690 Yes, of course I have. 158 00:09:27,757 --> 00:09:30,693 Alfa Romeo 4C Spider. 159 00:09:36,766 --> 00:09:40,037 JEREMY: This is what I'm talking about. 160 00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:42,872 A symphony in carbon fibre. 161 00:09:42,939 --> 00:09:44,907 Balance personified. 162 00:09:45,042 --> 00:09:47,344 The Graduate updated. 163 00:09:47,410 --> 00:09:50,313 A mini Ferrari, as cute as a bunny rabbit, 164 00:09:50,380 --> 00:09:53,783 with the greatest badge in the history of mo-- 165 00:09:53,850 --> 00:09:55,518 How much is it? 166 00:09:55,585 --> 00:09:59,056 -You know perfectly well how much it is. -Yeah, we've forgotten. 167 00:09:59,689 --> 00:10:01,224 Money is vulgar. 168 00:10:01,291 --> 00:10:05,462 You can't put a price on something as exquisite as that. 169 00:10:05,528 --> 00:10:07,730 Yeah, but Alfa Romeo did put a price on it, didn't they? 170 00:10:07,797 --> 00:10:08,865 And what was it? 171 00:10:08,931 --> 00:10:11,068 -Sixty thousand pounds. -(LAUGHTER) 172 00:10:11,134 --> 00:10:14,537 So you could have both of our cars and everything in the back of shot 173 00:10:14,604 --> 00:10:16,673 for the price of one of these Alfa Romeos? 174 00:10:16,739 --> 00:10:20,110 I know, it is extraordinary value for money. 175 00:10:20,177 --> 00:10:23,680 -It's too far from outside to inside. -It's miles! 176 00:10:23,746 --> 00:10:25,148 JEREMY: Yes, thick sills... 177 00:10:25,215 --> 00:10:27,084 -Here we go. -...for strength. 178 00:10:27,150 --> 00:10:29,352 Look at this, rotary heater knobs. 179 00:10:29,419 --> 00:10:31,888 -It's like being in the 1970s. -Yeah, it is, actually. 180 00:10:31,954 --> 00:10:33,190 This handbrake, look at that. 181 00:10:33,256 --> 00:10:35,425 Is that fixed on or does that come off? 182 00:10:35,492 --> 00:10:37,927 Alfa Romeo, purveyors of disappointment for nearly three decades. 183 00:10:37,994 --> 00:10:39,996 RICHARD: Look at this. Classy. -(JAMES MOANS) 184 00:10:40,063 --> 00:10:42,632 RICHARD: Yeah. Feel the quality in that. JAMES: Let me feel that. 185 00:10:42,699 --> 00:10:45,502 RICHARD: Mm. JAMES: Sixty thousand pounds?! 186 00:10:45,568 --> 00:10:46,803 RICHARD: Mm. And this... -(HOLLOW KNOCKING) 187 00:10:46,869 --> 00:10:48,471 That's what you want to hear. 188 00:10:48,538 --> 00:10:51,374 If you ever buy a new item of clothing, never show it these two. 189 00:10:51,441 --> 00:10:55,545 "What are you wearing that jacket for? It makes you look like a German gameshow host." 190 00:10:55,612 --> 00:10:57,280 RICHARD: That's satisfying. -(LAUGHTER) 191 00:10:57,347 --> 00:10:59,149 JAMES: Why are you wearing that jacket? 192 00:10:59,216 --> 00:11:01,384 Because I was at a party in India last night, 193 00:11:01,451 --> 00:11:02,852 and I've hurried over here. 194 00:11:02,919 --> 00:11:04,387 RICHARD: Why did you go to the party 195 00:11:04,454 --> 00:11:05,722 dressed as a German gameshow host? 196 00:11:07,657 --> 00:11:10,127 JEREMY: Soon, I grew weary of their abuse 197 00:11:10,193 --> 00:11:12,729 and set off in what, be in no doubt, 198 00:11:12,795 --> 00:11:16,933 is my favourite car on sale today. 199 00:11:16,999 --> 00:11:23,005 I will admit, there are one or two tiny little problems with the 4C. 200 00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,607 Trivial stuff. 201 00:11:24,674 --> 00:11:28,545 It's very wide. The gearbox is a little bit dim-witted. 202 00:11:28,611 --> 00:11:32,982 If you fit sports exhausts, the noise is catastrophic. 203 00:11:33,049 --> 00:11:35,418 The petrol tank... yeah, that's too small. 204 00:11:35,485 --> 00:11:40,157 You've really only got a range of 300... yards. 205 00:11:40,190 --> 00:11:42,359 And then there's the steering. 206 00:11:42,425 --> 00:11:46,062 There's no power assistance, so it's incredibly heavy when you're parking, 207 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:49,166 there's no feel when you're on the move. 208 00:11:49,232 --> 00:11:50,933 And then, and this is its party piece, 209 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:56,539 just occasionally, it'll go violently left or right for no reason. 210 00:11:57,407 --> 00:11:59,676 Whoa! You see that? 211 00:11:59,742 --> 00:12:00,810 Bloody hell. 212 00:12:04,414 --> 00:12:09,186 But look at it this way, we could all probably find fault with our children, 213 00:12:09,219 --> 00:12:11,854 and yet... we still love them. 214 00:12:16,659 --> 00:12:18,261 RICHARD: Jeremy loves Alfa Romeos 215 00:12:18,328 --> 00:12:19,729 because, back in the old days, 216 00:12:19,796 --> 00:12:22,499 they were great... but they're not any more. 217 00:12:23,933 --> 00:12:26,403 Plenty of things were great. 218 00:12:26,469 --> 00:12:27,937 Greece. 219 00:12:28,004 --> 00:12:29,406 Rolf Harris. 220 00:12:30,373 --> 00:12:31,874 You can't love them now. 221 00:12:35,478 --> 00:12:36,479 (GROANS) 222 00:12:36,546 --> 00:12:38,448 Another small problem with the Alfa 223 00:12:38,515 --> 00:12:39,816 that I didn't mention earlier 224 00:12:39,882 --> 00:12:42,018 is that you get cramp after five minutes. 225 00:12:42,084 --> 00:12:43,620 (GROANS) 226 00:12:43,686 --> 00:12:46,223 Ooh! Arg! 227 00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:48,225 I'm gonna have to stop and go for a walk, 228 00:12:48,291 --> 00:12:49,826 and they'll want to know why, 229 00:12:49,892 --> 00:12:52,895 and I'll have to tell them I need a wee or something. 230 00:12:52,962 --> 00:12:54,364 No, diarrhoea. 231 00:12:54,431 --> 00:12:56,799 Sorry, I've got to stop. I've got to stop. 232 00:12:56,866 --> 00:13:00,102 RADIO: I'm just stopping for a minute here. Hang on. 233 00:13:00,237 --> 00:13:01,638 Why are you stopping for a minute? 234 00:13:02,805 --> 00:13:04,607 JEREMY: Ohhh! Nothing. 235 00:13:04,674 --> 00:13:06,243 Well, why are you hopping about? 236 00:13:06,276 --> 00:13:09,078 Look at the snowy mountains. 237 00:13:09,145 --> 00:13:10,847 You are welcome to Morocco. 238 00:13:10,913 --> 00:13:14,050 Ah, merci, monsieur. Comment ça va? 239 00:13:14,116 --> 00:13:15,585 JAMES: God above. 240 00:13:17,454 --> 00:13:19,055 -Have you got cramp? -No. 241 00:13:19,121 --> 00:13:20,623 Yes, you have. 242 00:13:20,690 --> 00:13:23,560 Right, good. Well, I've seen the view. 243 00:13:23,626 --> 00:13:26,629 I just wanted to see the view, and it's lovely. 244 00:13:32,134 --> 00:13:35,272 JEREMY: Back on the road, James suddenly delivered 245 00:13:35,272 --> 00:13:38,541 a very un-James-manlike observation. 246 00:13:38,608 --> 00:13:41,944 My car is seriously quick! 247 00:13:42,011 --> 00:13:43,546 It's not as fast as this. 248 00:13:44,381 --> 00:13:45,715 Yeah, I bet it is. 249 00:13:45,782 --> 00:13:51,921 James, this has a turbocharged 1750cc engine 250 00:13:51,988 --> 00:13:53,423 from a Fiat Punto. 251 00:13:53,490 --> 00:13:57,394 Mine's 2L with a twin-scroll turbocharger. 252 00:13:57,460 --> 00:14:02,532 Have you noticed Hammond is being strangely quiet on the subject of speed? 253 00:14:02,599 --> 00:14:05,402 Oh, just listening to you two bicker. 254 00:14:05,468 --> 00:14:08,505 I am a bit down on power, if I'm honest. 255 00:14:08,571 --> 00:14:14,544 I think Hammond's in a sort of retirement home for former distressed sports-car owners. 256 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,083 JEREMY: (RADIO) Right, next straight bit of road, James May, 257 00:14:21,150 --> 00:14:25,422 I will pull over and show you what real speed is. 258 00:14:26,956 --> 00:14:28,791 -Cows. -(MOOING) 259 00:14:28,858 --> 00:14:31,394 RICHARD: (RADIO) On a roof rack. I've never seen that. 260 00:14:33,863 --> 00:14:37,667 JEREMY: Soon, we found a suitable stretch of road... 261 00:14:37,734 --> 00:14:40,470 ...and Hammond agreed to be the starter. 262 00:14:42,872 --> 00:14:46,008 -I've got launch control. -Not interested. 263 00:14:46,075 --> 00:14:48,345 (REVVING) 264 00:14:48,411 --> 00:14:51,147 JEREMY: Are you ready? Before anyone comes. 265 00:14:51,213 --> 00:14:54,384 RICHARD: In three, two, one, go! 266 00:15:00,156 --> 00:15:01,991 Well, now, that's just impossible! 267 00:15:06,596 --> 00:15:08,598 It's the Zenos... 268 00:15:08,665 --> 00:15:11,067 which means James May has just won a drag race. 269 00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:12,835 (TYRES SQUEALING) 270 00:15:12,902 --> 00:15:17,407 JEREMY: But for me, that wasn't the biggest surprise. 271 00:15:17,474 --> 00:15:20,710 I don't understand why this lost, 272 00:15:20,777 --> 00:15:23,380 because instead of a conventional chassis, 273 00:15:23,413 --> 00:15:25,515 it has a carbon-fibre tub, 274 00:15:25,582 --> 00:15:28,284 like you get in a Formula One car 275 00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:30,387 or a McLaren P1. 276 00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:37,059 And a carbon-fibre tub makes a car... expensive, but light. 277 00:15:37,126 --> 00:15:39,228 Very light. 278 00:15:39,295 --> 00:15:41,998 (RADIO) I'm trying to work out why I lost that race. 279 00:15:42,064 --> 00:15:45,267 I think it's cos your car isn't as fast as mine. 280 00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:46,569 RICHARD: That was a factor. 281 00:15:46,636 --> 00:15:49,439 Yeah, but mine is so light. 282 00:15:49,506 --> 00:15:50,773 RICHARD: How do you know it's light? 283 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:51,808 Every time Alfa say how much it weighs, 284 00:15:51,874 --> 00:15:53,643 they give a different figure. 285 00:15:53,710 --> 00:15:55,445 JEREMY: Yeah, that's because they've got 286 00:15:55,512 --> 00:15:59,048 better things to do than go around weighing cars. 287 00:15:59,115 --> 00:16:01,183 When Picasso had finished one of his paintings, 288 00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:04,220 he didn't say, "Oh, I wonder how much that weighs." 289 00:16:04,286 --> 00:16:07,524 You need to know the weight of an Alfa for when you resell it, 290 00:16:07,590 --> 00:16:10,126 because you buy scrap cars by weight. 291 00:16:11,828 --> 00:16:14,196 JEREMY: With the Zenos, that was built in Norfolk, 292 00:16:14,263 --> 00:16:16,298 so obviously they're gonna weigh it - there's nothing else to do. 293 00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:18,435 This is from Milan. 294 00:16:18,468 --> 00:16:22,539 They finished making it, and then they went into town with one and pulled girls. 295 00:16:24,741 --> 00:16:26,208 JAMES: (RADIO) It's massive and it's made of pig iron, 296 00:16:26,275 --> 00:16:27,510 that's the problem. 297 00:16:27,577 --> 00:16:29,512 I can see the carbon fibre... 298 00:16:29,579 --> 00:16:33,650 JEREMY: The weight argument raged on for the rest of the journey. 299 00:16:35,317 --> 00:16:37,954 So, that night, at the hotel, 300 00:16:38,020 --> 00:16:39,856 I came up with a plan. 301 00:16:39,922 --> 00:16:42,459 I'm gonna weigh all three cars 302 00:16:42,459 --> 00:16:46,262 to prove the Alfa's the lightest. 303 00:16:46,328 --> 00:16:49,566 The problem with your plan is that you'd need a weighbridge, and... 304 00:16:49,632 --> 00:16:50,933 -Yes. -Well, hang on. 305 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,769 -Well, get one. -No, there isn't one. 306 00:16:52,835 --> 00:16:55,104 I have got the hotel brochure here, actually, 307 00:16:55,171 --> 00:16:58,007 and, do you know, it's got three restaurants, 308 00:16:58,074 --> 00:17:02,845 a spa, and a gym, a business centre, tennis court. 309 00:17:02,912 --> 00:17:04,313 JEREMY: Mm-hm. -But with one glaring omission. 310 00:17:04,380 --> 00:17:06,182 -What? -There's no weighbridge. 311 00:17:06,248 --> 00:17:09,586 -No! -They haven't thought of that. I'd knock a star off. 312 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,655 I shall build one. 313 00:17:12,722 --> 00:17:15,492 I shall build a weighbridge, and then you shall see. 314 00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:19,862 (CHEERING) 315 00:17:19,929 --> 00:17:22,098 -I will build a weighbridge. -That could have been 316 00:17:22,164 --> 00:17:27,303 a really useful and interesting test, and you've ruined it. 317 00:17:27,369 --> 00:17:29,371 People are interested in Alfa Romeos! 318 00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:32,108 People are interested in murders, they don't want to see one. 319 00:17:32,174 --> 00:17:35,211 Anyway, anyway, we'll have more of that later on, 320 00:17:35,277 --> 00:17:38,347 but first, it is now time for us to engage reverse 321 00:17:38,414 --> 00:17:42,619 and park neatly in a marked space on Conversation Street. 322 00:17:43,953 --> 00:17:45,187 (SMOOTH JAZZ) 323 00:17:46,889 --> 00:17:48,124 (LAUGHTER) 324 00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:55,998 Right, now, which nation on earth has the worst police cars? 325 00:17:56,065 --> 00:17:59,135 Oh, that's some good conversation. I like that one. 326 00:17:59,201 --> 00:18:02,138 The worst police cars, it's definitely not the Americans, is it, 327 00:18:02,204 --> 00:18:04,674 because they have those Crown Vics, and they're rearwheel drive V8s. 328 00:18:04,741 --> 00:18:08,911 -That's what you need. -They're good police cars. Not the Americans. 329 00:18:08,978 --> 00:18:12,381 -Erm... -It's us. It's the British. 330 00:18:12,448 --> 00:18:16,018 Yeah. We have those dreary little Vauxhall diesel Astras. 331 00:18:16,085 --> 00:18:17,453 Opels if you live here. 332 00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:20,122 Or, if you're in America, those miserable little Chevrolets 333 00:18:20,189 --> 00:18:21,924 that are actually Daewoos. It's awful. 334 00:18:21,991 --> 00:18:23,660 Most countries around the world 335 00:18:23,726 --> 00:18:26,062 would traditionally have always had a police car that was made there, 336 00:18:26,128 --> 00:18:27,964 one of their own cars. Wouldn't they? 337 00:18:28,030 --> 00:18:29,766 And the funny thing is, that's not what they used to do here. 338 00:18:29,832 --> 00:18:30,800 -In Holland? -No. 339 00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:32,735 You don't surprise me. 340 00:18:32,802 --> 00:18:37,206 What they actually had for many years, about 30 years, was Porsches. 341 00:18:37,273 --> 00:18:40,242 -What? -The police used Porsches, yeah. Remember? Yeah. 342 00:18:40,309 --> 00:18:42,812 -Do you know, I'd forgotten. You're right, they did. -They did. 343 00:18:42,879 --> 00:18:44,881 How did they persuade the government? 344 00:18:44,947 --> 00:18:47,416 It's masterful. It's genius. 345 00:18:47,483 --> 00:18:49,018 Absolute respect to everybody who did it. 346 00:18:49,085 --> 00:18:51,688 What they did was say, "Right, we need... 347 00:18:51,754 --> 00:18:53,322 Hm. I think we need a Porsche 348 00:18:53,389 --> 00:18:56,392 because it's air-cooled and the engine is at the back, 349 00:18:56,458 --> 00:19:00,462 and that would be handy if we have to reverse at high speed for a long time." 350 00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:01,731 They actually said that? 351 00:19:01,798 --> 00:19:03,165 They did. And this gets better. 352 00:19:03,232 --> 00:19:05,635 And I'm not making this up. They did say this. 353 00:19:05,702 --> 00:19:07,670 They need a car where you can remove the roof 354 00:19:07,737 --> 00:19:11,774 so you can stand on the seats to address traffic in an emergency situation. 355 00:19:11,841 --> 00:19:14,677 So what they need is a 911 Targa, 356 00:19:14,744 --> 00:19:17,246 and matching sunglasses, I presume, yes. 357 00:19:17,313 --> 00:19:20,149 Did they also say, "And it comes with 911 on the back 358 00:19:20,216 --> 00:19:22,018 which is our telephone number"? 359 00:19:22,084 --> 00:19:24,654 The thing is, it doesn't, and they're still at it, 360 00:19:24,721 --> 00:19:27,189 because the cycle cops around here, 361 00:19:27,256 --> 00:19:28,424 and there's a lot of them, 362 00:19:28,490 --> 00:19:30,026 they managed to persuade the government 363 00:19:30,092 --> 00:19:33,395 that they need mountain bikes. 364 00:19:33,462 --> 00:19:35,097 -What, here? -In Holland. 365 00:19:35,164 --> 00:19:37,800 It's the flattest country on earth 366 00:19:37,867 --> 00:19:39,769 and they need mountain bikes! 367 00:19:39,836 --> 00:19:41,971 "Yes, I might see a mountain." What?! 368 00:19:43,205 --> 00:19:44,306 The best thing... 369 00:19:48,377 --> 00:19:51,848 The best thing is, it gives us an opportunity to have one more look 370 00:19:51,914 --> 00:19:55,451 at a photograph of the Dutch mountain cop police. 371 00:19:55,517 --> 00:19:57,954 -There they are. -(LAUGHTER) 372 00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:00,089 -Now, I want to talk about otters. -(LAUGHTER) 373 00:20:00,156 --> 00:20:01,858 -What? -I want to talk about otters. 374 00:20:01,924 --> 00:20:04,026 You see, a few years ago somebody in Holland 375 00:20:04,093 --> 00:20:08,865 worked out that there were only 185 otters in the entire country. 376 00:20:08,931 --> 00:20:10,432 Yeah, Jeremy, it's a car show. 377 00:20:10,499 --> 00:20:13,102 Bear with me, OK, because I've got the figures here. 378 00:20:13,169 --> 00:20:17,940 In 2014, 21 of these otters were run over. 379 00:20:18,007 --> 00:20:22,645 OK? In 2015, 49 were run over. 380 00:20:22,712 --> 00:20:25,948 You only have 185 otters in the whole country, 381 00:20:26,015 --> 00:20:31,253 and in two years, you've flattened 70 of them under your cars. 382 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,723 -What is your problem with otters?! -(LAUGHTER) 383 00:20:33,790 --> 00:20:36,058 The thing is that I don't want people to get the wrong impression. 384 00:20:36,125 --> 00:20:39,796 I don't want everyone to think that Dutch people go around murdering animals. 385 00:20:39,862 --> 00:20:41,163 Let me explain. 386 00:20:41,230 --> 00:20:45,567 Recently, the government here spent 150,000 euros, 387 00:20:45,634 --> 00:20:47,603 and that's £150,000, 388 00:20:47,670 --> 00:20:49,672 £160,000, £170,000... 389 00:20:49,739 --> 00:20:51,440 -That's Brexit for you. -(LAUGHTER) 390 00:20:51,507 --> 00:20:56,045 We can't even afford to put mayonnaise on our chips now any more. 391 00:20:56,112 --> 00:21:01,383 Er... Anyway, they spent 150,000 euros on a bridge over a road 392 00:21:01,450 --> 00:21:03,119 so squirrels could cross safely. 393 00:21:03,185 --> 00:21:05,788 We've got a picture of the bridge. It's a substantial thing. 394 00:21:05,855 --> 00:21:07,523 You know this bridge? A famous bridge? 395 00:21:07,589 --> 00:21:10,492 -That's a squirrel bridge? -Yeah, it's a squirrel bridge. 396 00:21:10,559 --> 00:21:14,296 Anyway, how many squirrels do you think have used it? 397 00:21:15,531 --> 00:21:17,199 A squillion. 398 00:21:17,266 --> 00:21:20,369 I see where you're going with that one, James. No, it isn't. 399 00:21:20,436 --> 00:21:21,537 I've got the figures here. 400 00:21:21,603 --> 00:21:24,841 "CCTV footage has revealed, in 2014, 401 00:21:24,907 --> 00:21:26,943 three squirrels used it. 402 00:21:27,009 --> 00:21:30,747 In 2015, it was used only twice." 403 00:21:30,813 --> 00:21:35,051 Well, why didn't the third squirrel use it again in 2015? 404 00:21:35,117 --> 00:21:37,319 -It probably got run over. -Yeah. 405 00:21:37,386 --> 00:21:40,189 By somebody mistaking him for an otter. 406 00:21:40,256 --> 00:21:41,423 Get it! Get it! 407 00:21:42,792 --> 00:21:44,426 Now... Er... 408 00:21:44,493 --> 00:21:47,897 You've probably read the other day, the Dutch are taking a view 409 00:21:47,964 --> 00:21:50,066 on whether to allow people to... 410 00:21:50,132 --> 00:21:51,333 (SIGHS) 411 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,803 How can I put this? Assisted dying of somebody - 412 00:21:53,870 --> 00:21:57,139 feels as though their life is complete, OK? 413 00:21:57,206 --> 00:21:59,175 This is something that occupies me a lot, 414 00:21:59,241 --> 00:22:02,078 I'll be honest with you, because I sometimes think... 415 00:22:02,144 --> 00:22:04,546 "Oh, have I done enough now?" 416 00:22:04,613 --> 00:22:06,248 OTHERS: Yes. -No. 417 00:22:07,449 --> 00:22:08,785 No, you know, when? 418 00:22:08,851 --> 00:22:10,586 When would it be appropriate for me to think, 419 00:22:10,652 --> 00:22:12,388 "Time to end." 420 00:22:12,454 --> 00:22:14,323 OTHERS: Now. -No. 421 00:22:14,390 --> 00:22:18,527 -May I get on with it? -Yeah, do. Do it now. 422 00:22:18,594 --> 00:22:21,363 No, what I want to say is, OK... 423 00:22:21,430 --> 00:22:22,965 I'll get the forms, there can't be many. 424 00:22:23,032 --> 00:22:24,600 The time comes... Ssh! 425 00:22:24,666 --> 00:22:28,270 The time, I think, comes when you stop wanting to be an idiot. 426 00:22:28,337 --> 00:22:30,039 That's the time when you've done enough. 427 00:22:30,106 --> 00:22:32,074 - I know what you mean. - No, actually, you are right, 428 00:22:32,141 --> 00:22:34,643 cos I think it's the moment where you go into a big department store, 429 00:22:34,710 --> 00:22:38,647 and you go into the kitchenware section, and you see a tea cosy, 430 00:22:38,714 --> 00:22:40,182 but you don't put it on your head. 431 00:22:40,249 --> 00:22:42,118 -(LAUGHTER) -Exactly. 432 00:22:42,184 --> 00:22:45,154 Not putting things on your head is a sign it's time. 433 00:22:45,221 --> 00:22:47,890 And the time you don't want to put gloves on your ears 434 00:22:47,957 --> 00:22:49,826 and pretend to be a reindeer. 435 00:22:49,892 --> 00:22:51,828 (LAUGHTER) 436 00:22:51,894 --> 00:22:54,831 -I think that's just you, Hammond. -It's just me, isn't it? 437 00:22:54,864 --> 00:22:56,833 Here's the moment I think you know. 438 00:22:56,899 --> 00:22:59,936 You're driving up a motorway. There's a train track next to you. 439 00:23:00,002 --> 00:23:02,438 A train comes. It could be one of those fast ones. 440 00:23:02,504 --> 00:23:05,741 The day when you don't try and race the train, 441 00:23:05,842 --> 00:23:07,076 that's the day. 442 00:23:07,143 --> 00:23:08,911 -Yes. -I have to race the train. 443 00:23:08,978 --> 00:23:10,880 I have to go faster than the train 444 00:23:10,947 --> 00:23:12,681 so everyone on the train looks at me and goes, 445 00:23:12,748 --> 00:23:14,350 "I've made the wrong travel choice. 446 00:23:14,416 --> 00:23:16,452 "I should have gone in the car. It's quicker." 447 00:23:16,518 --> 00:23:19,588 If you're ever on a train and you look out of the window, 448 00:23:19,655 --> 00:23:22,391 you're overtaking me and I can't be bothered to race you, 449 00:23:22,458 --> 00:23:27,029 it's because I'm on my way to the new Dutch death clinic. 450 00:23:27,096 --> 00:23:28,064 And that is the end of Conversation Street. 451 00:23:28,130 --> 00:23:30,032 Now, if you have children, 452 00:23:30,099 --> 00:23:32,902 there's every chance they'll spend every spare second they have 453 00:23:32,969 --> 00:23:34,403 playing Zombie Splatter 7 , 454 00:23:34,470 --> 00:23:36,605 or some other such computer game, 455 00:23:36,672 --> 00:23:39,508 but what about more traditional board games? 456 00:23:39,575 --> 00:23:43,012 Kids these days say they're not interested in such games, 457 00:23:43,079 --> 00:23:46,648 but I believe they would be if they were bigger 458 00:23:46,715 --> 00:23:48,550 and involved cars. 459 00:23:51,687 --> 00:23:53,289 To prove our point, 460 00:23:53,355 --> 00:23:56,893 we've come here, to the countryside. 461 00:23:58,928 --> 00:24:00,796 And on the board-game front, 462 00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:02,664 we shall start with a classic. 463 00:24:02,731 --> 00:24:06,202 A game where two players try and guess where each other's ships are, 464 00:24:06,268 --> 00:24:09,438 and then blow them up by firing missiles at them. 465 00:24:09,505 --> 00:24:10,706 It's a simple game, 466 00:24:10,772 --> 00:24:13,709 and, as such, if you want to play it with cars, 467 00:24:13,775 --> 00:24:15,344 you don't need much. 468 00:24:17,679 --> 00:24:19,916 In fact, all you need 469 00:24:19,982 --> 00:24:22,651 is a massive former Cold War airfield 470 00:24:22,718 --> 00:24:27,023 with enough tarmac to accommodate the board for your board game. 471 00:24:29,325 --> 00:24:31,693 With a big enough slab of airfield, 472 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:33,362 you can then lay out your grid, 473 00:24:33,429 --> 00:24:35,932 onto which you can place your battleships. 474 00:24:35,998 --> 00:24:37,466 And all you need for that 475 00:24:37,533 --> 00:24:40,636 is several thousand pounds' worth of old cars. 476 00:24:42,004 --> 00:24:44,006 But not any old cars. 477 00:24:44,073 --> 00:24:45,707 This stretch limo, for example, 478 00:24:45,774 --> 00:24:49,445 may have seen active service on hundreds of hen nights, 479 00:24:49,511 --> 00:24:53,482 but it makes the perfect aircraft carrier. 480 00:24:53,549 --> 00:24:55,451 And then there's this Toyota Prius. 481 00:24:55,517 --> 00:24:58,454 Its electric engine makes it perfect as a submarine, 482 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:00,022 silent running. 483 00:25:00,089 --> 00:25:03,459 And then there's this Chrysler PT Cruiser convertible. 484 00:25:03,525 --> 00:25:06,228 There is no naval equivalent for this car, 485 00:25:06,295 --> 00:25:07,663 but who cares if we blow it up? 486 00:25:07,729 --> 00:25:09,966 Because it is, after all, crap. 487 00:25:09,966 --> 00:25:15,837 And speaking of blowing up, we now come to the missiles. 488 00:25:15,972 --> 00:25:20,542 For these, you need a car that is frightening and lethal. 489 00:25:20,609 --> 00:25:25,047 A car that strikes fear into other motorists. 490 00:25:25,114 --> 00:25:27,849 And what better car could there be for this job 491 00:25:27,984 --> 00:25:30,186 than the magnificent G-Wiz? 492 00:25:31,387 --> 00:25:33,822 All I needed now was an opponent, 493 00:25:33,889 --> 00:25:35,591 a board-game veteran, 494 00:25:35,657 --> 00:25:38,527 a man who thinks Call Of Duty 495 00:25:38,594 --> 00:25:40,696 is a visit to the lavatory. 496 00:25:40,762 --> 00:25:43,365 That's excellent, Hammond. You've thought of everything. 497 00:25:43,432 --> 00:25:46,002 I know, I have. Containers as the fence. 498 00:25:46,035 --> 00:25:48,237 A fireman, in case things get out of hand. 499 00:25:48,304 --> 00:25:51,073 A health-and-safety bloke to stop us blowing ourselves up. 500 00:25:51,140 --> 00:25:54,276 Cars that look exactly like ships. The lot. 501 00:25:54,343 --> 00:25:56,512 But how will you fire the missiles at the cars? 502 00:25:56,578 --> 00:26:01,050 Well, that is the real genius in my plan. 503 00:26:01,117 --> 00:26:03,385 Easy, powerful and proven. 504 00:26:03,452 --> 00:26:06,288 Fire the G-Wiz missiles with the movie cannon. 505 00:26:06,355 --> 00:26:09,358 -You reckon that's accurate enough? -Well, it's a cannon. 506 00:26:09,425 --> 00:26:11,293 But you've got to hit a specific square. 507 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:15,097 You aim the cannon. You adjust the trajectory and the elevation. 508 00:26:15,164 --> 00:26:18,034 -You can work that out? -It's a cannon. 509 00:26:18,034 --> 00:26:21,170 To shut James up, I took one of the spare cars 510 00:26:21,237 --> 00:26:23,339 to demonstrate a practice shot. 511 00:26:24,673 --> 00:26:26,308 Right, we're all set. 512 00:26:26,375 --> 00:26:28,744 It's fully charged. Pressure's good. Fire. 513 00:26:28,810 --> 00:26:30,079 (METALLIC CLUNK) 514 00:26:39,221 --> 00:26:42,724 JAMES: I had a better idea for the weapons-launching system. 515 00:26:57,073 --> 00:26:58,540 So, there you go. 516 00:26:58,607 --> 00:27:00,942 You call out the grid reference that you want, 517 00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:04,313 and the driver just manoeuvres the jib exactly over that square, 518 00:27:04,380 --> 00:27:06,082 and then drops the G-Wiz missile. 519 00:27:06,082 --> 00:27:08,717 It is absolutely unerringly accurate. 520 00:27:08,784 --> 00:27:10,352 I like that. 521 00:27:10,419 --> 00:27:14,123 Unlike everything else I've done here, with all this stuff, 522 00:27:14,190 --> 00:27:18,360 this is all things you can do at home in your garden. 523 00:27:18,427 --> 00:27:20,396 RICHARD: With the giant containers 524 00:27:20,462 --> 00:27:25,567 making sure neither of us could see what the other was doing, 525 00:27:25,634 --> 00:27:29,805 ...James and I moved our battleships into place. 526 00:27:29,871 --> 00:27:31,740 (BEEPING) 527 00:27:31,807 --> 00:27:36,178 And with the board laid out, it was time to play. 528 00:27:36,245 --> 00:27:39,548 Right, the hen-night limos each require two hits to be sunk. 529 00:27:39,615 --> 00:27:43,485 (RADIO) Both the motorhomes, they each require two hits to be sunk as well. 530 00:27:43,552 --> 00:27:46,322 And then my Prius and your PT Cruiser, 531 00:27:46,388 --> 00:27:48,490 they each require one to be sunk. 532 00:27:48,557 --> 00:27:51,160 We've got ten G-Wiz missiles each. 533 00:27:51,227 --> 00:27:53,362 Five hits needed to win. Got it? 534 00:27:54,230 --> 00:27:55,931 Yes, right. 535 00:27:55,997 --> 00:27:59,635 Having won the toss, James would be first to fire, 536 00:27:59,701 --> 00:28:02,771 but I had a cunning plan to thwart him. 537 00:28:02,838 --> 00:28:07,343 What I've done is put a couple of my ships right out on the edges, 538 00:28:07,409 --> 00:28:10,846 because James will think, "Hammond's a bit thick, 539 00:28:10,912 --> 00:28:14,183 and it's a typically amateurish tactic to put your ships on the edge, 540 00:28:14,250 --> 00:28:15,517 so that's what he'll have done." 541 00:28:15,584 --> 00:28:17,519 But then he'll think, "Hang on. 542 00:28:17,586 --> 00:28:19,521 Even Hammond's not that thick. 543 00:28:19,588 --> 00:28:21,723 He just wants me to think he's thick, 544 00:28:21,790 --> 00:28:24,393 so he'll have put his cars in the middle." 545 00:28:24,460 --> 00:28:27,028 James will then not go for the edges, 546 00:28:27,163 --> 00:28:28,664 he'll go for the middle. 547 00:28:28,730 --> 00:28:31,467 But my ships will be at the edges. 548 00:28:31,533 --> 00:28:35,070 It's like a... double, or even a triple bluff. 549 00:28:35,171 --> 00:28:36,738 Now, Hammond is a bit thick, really, 550 00:28:36,805 --> 00:28:39,808 so I reckon he'll have put his all around the edges. 551 00:28:42,043 --> 00:28:44,280 D2, please. 552 00:28:47,616 --> 00:28:48,750 Fire! 553 00:28:55,224 --> 00:28:56,658 (GASPS) 554 00:28:56,725 --> 00:28:58,194 (LAUGHS) 555 00:28:59,328 --> 00:29:03,199 -What was that? -It was my limo. 556 00:29:03,232 --> 00:29:06,535 Hit on your limo on D2, thank you. Your shot. 557 00:29:09,505 --> 00:29:14,075 Red crane driver, I'd like C4, please. C4. 558 00:29:14,210 --> 00:29:15,444 (RADIO) Fire! 559 00:29:20,816 --> 00:29:22,117 (SNIGGERS) 560 00:29:22,218 --> 00:29:25,053 (RADIO) That's a miss. 561 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:27,989 C4, miss. 562 00:29:28,056 --> 00:29:29,558 Back to my original theory. 563 00:29:29,625 --> 00:29:30,959 Hammond will have gone along the edge, 564 00:29:31,026 --> 00:29:32,228 I'm pretty confident in that. 565 00:29:32,294 --> 00:29:34,896 So is it there, or is it there? 566 00:29:34,963 --> 00:29:39,535 (RADIO) Green crane driver, fire at D1. 567 00:29:39,601 --> 00:29:40,736 Fire! 568 00:29:44,873 --> 00:29:46,308 (YELLS) 569 00:29:47,276 --> 00:29:51,012 -Yes! -You sank my limousine! 570 00:29:51,079 --> 00:29:56,785 One sinking to me, a miss for Admiral Hammond. 571 00:29:56,852 --> 00:29:59,421 (RADIO) And you've overdone the explosives. 572 00:30:01,690 --> 00:30:03,759 One plan would be, if you're playing this at home, 573 00:30:03,825 --> 00:30:06,695 do it on a day when there's a lot of barbecues in the area. 574 00:30:06,762 --> 00:30:08,764 That way, people will just think, "Well, yeah, 575 00:30:08,830 --> 00:30:11,633 it's a big barbecue they're having next door." 576 00:30:13,034 --> 00:30:14,903 RICHARD: With my aircraft carrier gone 577 00:30:14,970 --> 00:30:19,575 and James's fleet unscathed, I had to break my duck. 578 00:30:19,641 --> 00:30:22,544 I'd like you to hit B2, please. 579 00:30:25,914 --> 00:30:27,283 Damn! 580 00:30:27,349 --> 00:30:28,750 B2. Well... 581 00:30:28,817 --> 00:30:30,819 Well, there's no... Where are they?! 582 00:30:30,886 --> 00:30:32,187 I've just got a feeling. 583 00:30:32,254 --> 00:30:35,291 B1. B1, please. 584 00:30:40,829 --> 00:30:42,664 (HAMMOND CACKLES) 585 00:30:42,731 --> 00:30:45,867 Red crane driver, can I have square A1? 586 00:30:48,304 --> 00:30:49,805 (RADIO) Fire! 587 00:30:53,475 --> 00:30:55,043 HAMMOND: Oooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo! 588 00:30:55,110 --> 00:30:56,812 Yes! Come on! 589 00:30:56,878 --> 00:31:00,215 Oh, you are on the run! That is it! Want to give up? 590 00:31:00,282 --> 00:31:02,518 You've sunk my Cruiser. 591 00:31:02,584 --> 00:31:07,423 So that's a big red kill on A1. Boom! 592 00:31:07,489 --> 00:31:10,426 But James wasn't taking this lying down. 593 00:31:12,060 --> 00:31:14,830 C3. Fire! 594 00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:19,901 Yes! 595 00:31:19,968 --> 00:31:20,969 You hit my submarine, 596 00:31:21,036 --> 00:31:23,339 my invisible, silent-running Prius. 597 00:31:23,372 --> 00:31:24,806 (CHUCKLES) 598 00:31:25,674 --> 00:31:27,609 RICHARD: I am losing badly. 599 00:31:27,676 --> 00:31:30,379 I've scored only one hit, he's scored three. 600 00:31:31,647 --> 00:31:33,715 But then the game started to turn, 601 00:31:33,782 --> 00:31:37,152 as James had a run of three straight misses. 602 00:31:37,218 --> 00:31:38,587 JAMES: (RADIO) Fire! 603 00:31:45,761 --> 00:31:47,162 (RICHARD LAUGHS) 604 00:31:47,228 --> 00:31:48,930 It was a miss! Ha-ha! 605 00:31:48,997 --> 00:31:51,400 Thank you. I'm closing down my options. 606 00:31:51,467 --> 00:31:56,204 It would close your options down further if you were to hit rather than miss. 607 00:31:56,271 --> 00:32:00,075 Which was exactly what I was now doing. 608 00:32:00,141 --> 00:32:01,377 B3, please. 609 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:06,615 A3, please. 610 00:32:10,919 --> 00:32:12,187 Yes! 611 00:32:12,253 --> 00:32:14,723 You've sunk my battleship. 612 00:32:14,790 --> 00:32:16,958 I am raining down destruction 613 00:32:17,025 --> 00:32:19,561 on your dwindling fleet of doomed ships. 614 00:32:19,628 --> 00:32:21,062 You loser. Ha-ha! 615 00:32:21,129 --> 00:32:23,899 No, I'm not losing. We're neck and neck. 616 00:32:25,100 --> 00:32:27,503 Annoyingly, James was right. 617 00:32:27,569 --> 00:32:30,071 I still had my battleship Winnebago, 618 00:32:30,138 --> 00:32:33,241 and he still had his stretched aircraft carrier, 619 00:32:33,308 --> 00:32:37,078 both of which needed two hits to destroy. 620 00:32:37,145 --> 00:32:38,880 It was May's turn to play. 621 00:32:41,417 --> 00:32:42,784 B2. 622 00:32:42,851 --> 00:32:45,421 RICHARD: Critical stage of the game now. 623 00:32:45,421 --> 00:32:47,122 A hit now and I'm in trouble. 624 00:32:48,323 --> 00:32:49,725 Fire! 625 00:32:50,926 --> 00:32:51,960 Come on. 626 00:32:55,196 --> 00:32:57,633 Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! 627 00:32:57,699 --> 00:33:00,969 (GRUNTS) It shouldn't feel so good, but it does. 628 00:33:02,070 --> 00:33:03,672 Oh. 629 00:33:06,442 --> 00:33:08,744 It's gonna be here. 630 00:33:08,810 --> 00:33:11,913 Red crane, target C1, please. C1. 631 00:33:14,015 --> 00:33:15,016 (RADIO) Fire! 632 00:33:18,454 --> 00:33:20,922 Hard luck, Horatio Hammond. 633 00:33:20,989 --> 00:33:23,291 (GROANS) 634 00:33:23,358 --> 00:33:25,160 All I've got to do now, 635 00:33:25,226 --> 00:33:27,162 get inside Richard Hammond's mind. 636 00:33:27,228 --> 00:33:31,332 An awful place, admittedly, but if I can just get in there for a second, 637 00:33:31,467 --> 00:33:33,134 which way has he put it? 638 00:33:33,201 --> 00:33:35,737 There and there; there and there; there and there? 639 00:33:37,038 --> 00:33:38,474 (GROANS) 640 00:33:42,310 --> 00:33:43,645 C2. 641 00:33:48,484 --> 00:33:49,751 Fire! 642 00:33:55,757 --> 00:33:57,959 That'll be a miss. 643 00:33:58,026 --> 00:34:00,028 (CLEARS THROAT) 644 00:34:00,095 --> 00:34:04,866 That, Captain May, was a miss! 645 00:34:04,933 --> 00:34:07,803 (SIGHS) 646 00:34:07,869 --> 00:34:12,641 However, while James now had to choose between just two squares, 647 00:34:12,708 --> 00:34:15,176 I was looking at a choice of six. 648 00:34:16,545 --> 00:34:19,681 Red crane, target C2, please. C2. 649 00:34:24,620 --> 00:34:27,523 Red crane, fire! 650 00:34:27,556 --> 00:34:29,090 I meant C3! I meant... 651 00:34:33,962 --> 00:34:35,163 Yes! 652 00:34:35,230 --> 00:34:38,534 Oh, yes! Yes! 653 00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:41,069 (WHISPERS) Bollocks. 654 00:34:41,136 --> 00:34:45,206 RICHARD: That mistaken shot wasn't just a hit, 655 00:34:45,273 --> 00:34:47,342 it had changed everything. 656 00:34:47,408 --> 00:34:50,178 Because I said C2, when actually I meant three, 657 00:34:50,245 --> 00:34:52,113 in case it was there, 658 00:34:52,180 --> 00:34:53,615 that's a kill - bang - 659 00:34:53,682 --> 00:34:55,250 which means it has to be there. 660 00:34:55,316 --> 00:34:57,653 It can't be here or here, so I've got him. 661 00:34:57,719 --> 00:34:59,688 James, you do know what that means, don't you? 662 00:34:59,755 --> 00:35:01,322 (RADIO) Yes, I've just worked it out. 663 00:35:01,389 --> 00:35:03,925 I've got to get this right, otherwise you've won. 664 00:35:03,992 --> 00:35:07,996 -Do you want to surrender? -No, I don't! 665 00:35:08,063 --> 00:35:10,899 JAMES: So, I was now faced with the choice 666 00:35:10,966 --> 00:35:13,134 that would decide the game. 667 00:35:14,570 --> 00:35:18,039 A2 or B3? 668 00:35:18,106 --> 00:35:20,909 A2, B3. What would Richard Hammond do? 669 00:35:23,679 --> 00:35:24,946 Green-crane driver... 670 00:35:29,084 --> 00:35:30,285 Oh, God. 671 00:35:34,690 --> 00:35:37,225 Come on, you bewildered old spaniel - miss. 672 00:35:39,628 --> 00:35:41,830 Right. Fire! 673 00:35:55,376 --> 00:35:58,013 Yes! Yes! 674 00:35:58,079 --> 00:35:59,147 Ha-ha! 675 00:35:59,214 --> 00:36:00,616 (GROANS) 676 00:36:02,618 --> 00:36:04,953 Oh, God! 677 00:36:05,020 --> 00:36:06,187 Ha-ha-ha! 678 00:36:06,254 --> 00:36:07,388 Yes! 679 00:36:07,455 --> 00:36:09,490 (HUMS TUNE) 680 00:36:09,625 --> 00:36:10,826 Hammond! 681 00:36:12,628 --> 00:36:14,763 RICHARD: (RADIO) Best of three? 682 00:36:16,264 --> 00:36:18,199 (CHEERING) 683 00:36:18,266 --> 00:36:20,535 JEREMY: I bet... 684 00:36:20,636 --> 00:36:23,739 I bet the makers of Sony PlayStation are quaking in their boots. 685 00:36:23,805 --> 00:36:25,406 Well, I wouldn't be surprised. 686 00:36:25,473 --> 00:36:27,909 -They will go, "Oh, my..." -I know. There's the future. 687 00:36:27,976 --> 00:36:31,079 -That was a total waste of time. -Well, now, hang on. 688 00:36:31,146 --> 00:36:34,783 No, we destroyed a PT Cruiser, a Prius and many G-Wizs. 689 00:36:34,850 --> 00:36:37,118 Well, that's true, yes. But James... 690 00:36:37,185 --> 00:36:38,553 James? 691 00:36:38,654 --> 00:36:40,388 (LAUGHTER) 692 00:36:40,455 --> 00:36:45,861 Never mind. Let's move on to Celebrity Brain Crash. 693 00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:53,368 -(CHEERING) JEREMY: Yeah. Now... 694 00:36:56,171 --> 00:36:57,906 This week... 695 00:36:57,973 --> 00:37:01,042 This week, we don't just have one star, 696 00:37:01,109 --> 00:37:02,878 we have several. 697 00:37:02,944 --> 00:37:04,746 They're one of the biggest bands 698 00:37:04,813 --> 00:37:06,782 ever to come out of Holland, 699 00:37:06,848 --> 00:37:08,049 and they're going to begin here, 700 00:37:08,116 --> 00:37:12,688 in the sixth largest port in the world... 701 00:37:12,688 --> 00:37:14,189 by performing their biggest hit, 702 00:37:14,255 --> 00:37:16,758 by which I mean... their hit. 703 00:37:16,825 --> 00:37:19,527 Ladies and gentlemen, Golden Earring! 704 00:37:19,594 --> 00:37:21,562 (CHEERING) 705 00:37:21,697 --> 00:37:22,798 RICHARD: And there they are. 706 00:37:22,864 --> 00:37:24,199 I tell you what, 707 00:37:24,265 --> 00:37:26,267 we ought to make the lights go a bit better. 708 00:37:26,334 --> 00:37:29,237 Can we dim the lights? That's better. A bit more rock 'n' roll. 709 00:37:29,304 --> 00:37:30,471 What is their hit? 710 00:37:30,538 --> 00:37:33,608 Well, this is Holland, birthplace of the speed camera. 711 00:37:33,709 --> 00:37:35,443 It's obvious. Radar Love. 712 00:37:35,510 --> 00:37:37,078 (BAND PLAYS) 713 00:37:40,315 --> 00:37:43,418 * I've been drivin' all night My hands wet on the wheel * 714 00:37:43,484 --> 00:37:45,420 (ELECTRICAL FIZZING) 715 00:37:49,725 --> 00:37:51,092 RICHARD: Oh... 716 00:37:51,159 --> 00:37:52,227 (LAUGHTER) 717 00:37:52,293 --> 00:37:55,230 JEREMY: OK, ladies and gentlemen, erm... 718 00:37:55,296 --> 00:37:58,734 ...there's a cable's gone into the sea here, and... 719 00:37:58,734 --> 00:38:01,302 ...Golden Earring have been electrocuted. 720 00:38:01,369 --> 00:38:02,904 (LAUGHTER) 721 00:38:02,971 --> 00:38:04,806 Does that mean they're not coming on, then? 722 00:38:04,873 --> 00:38:08,209 Well, James, they've been subjected to a lethal dose of electricity 723 00:38:08,276 --> 00:38:11,212 and are now lying on the ground, sizzling, so it's no. 724 00:38:11,279 --> 00:38:13,348 -They're not, no. -OK, OK. 725 00:38:13,414 --> 00:38:16,317 That is a very grisly scene. I apologise for that, everybody. 726 00:38:16,384 --> 00:38:18,419 Erm... Probably not as grisly, though, 727 00:38:18,486 --> 00:38:21,456 as if you're looking at us from out there. 728 00:38:21,522 --> 00:38:23,158 -Eh? -Well, think about it. 729 00:38:24,659 --> 00:38:26,494 -Oh, yeah! -Yeah. 730 00:38:26,561 --> 00:38:29,297 We are standing in a window in a Dutch port, 731 00:38:29,364 --> 00:38:30,431 bathed in red light... 732 00:38:30,498 --> 00:38:31,767 (LAUGHTER) 733 00:38:31,833 --> 00:38:33,534 ...and we've got no trade lining up. 734 00:38:33,601 --> 00:38:34,903 -Nobody's here. -No. 735 00:38:34,970 --> 00:38:37,138 No, I know! I know! I've had an idea. 736 00:38:37,205 --> 00:38:40,141 I've had an idea of how we can fill the time 737 00:38:40,208 --> 00:38:42,643 that would have been taken up by the late Golden Earring. 738 00:38:42,778 --> 00:38:44,412 You see, the thing is... 739 00:38:44,479 --> 00:38:47,148 Can we make the lights go white again now? Pretend that never happened. 740 00:38:47,215 --> 00:38:49,350 Good. See, the thing is that, in Holland, 741 00:38:49,417 --> 00:38:52,120 there are these motorist accessory stores, OK? 742 00:38:52,187 --> 00:38:54,555 -Oh, yeah. -They're open all night. The place is full. 743 00:38:54,622 --> 00:38:57,893 We went to one last night and bought a load of amazing stuff 744 00:38:57,959 --> 00:39:00,528 you can use on the road. 745 00:39:00,595 --> 00:39:02,831 Bring it over here. Let's show you a couple of things, 746 00:39:02,898 --> 00:39:03,932 I mean, this, for example. 747 00:39:03,999 --> 00:39:05,466 It's an incredible safety device. 748 00:39:05,533 --> 00:39:07,002 -(LAUGHTER) -Yeah. 749 00:39:07,068 --> 00:39:10,806 This is very clever, because in a lot of car crashes, 750 00:39:10,806 --> 00:39:13,041 people bite their tongues, sometimes off. 751 00:39:13,108 --> 00:39:15,877 But by wearing this neat safety device, 752 00:39:15,944 --> 00:39:17,245 no way is he biting his tongue. 753 00:39:17,312 --> 00:39:19,180 Look at that! Perfectly safe. That is clever. 754 00:39:19,247 --> 00:39:21,016 Unbelievable. And then you can get traffic cones 755 00:39:21,082 --> 00:39:23,151 that fit in the glovebox. 756 00:39:23,218 --> 00:39:24,853 -This is one here. -(LAUGHTER) 757 00:39:26,421 --> 00:39:28,890 RICHARD: Yeah. -It's not funny stuff, this is safety material. 758 00:39:28,957 --> 00:39:32,493 -Another one. -These are compact, so you can fit them in your boot. 759 00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:35,096 The thing is, though, OK, in America, 760 00:39:35,163 --> 00:39:37,933 as I'm sure you know, there are high-occupancy vehicle lanes. 761 00:39:37,999 --> 00:39:40,568 Er... You're not allowed to go in them 762 00:39:40,635 --> 00:39:43,104 unless you've got two or more people in the car. 763 00:39:43,171 --> 00:39:44,840 We've always been very worried in Europe 764 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:46,842 that this idea is gonna come over here, 765 00:39:46,908 --> 00:39:49,144 but the Dutch have it covered, 766 00:39:49,210 --> 00:39:52,047 because in these motorist accessory shops, 767 00:39:52,113 --> 00:39:53,982 you can buy inflatable people. 768 00:39:54,049 --> 00:39:55,583 -We've got one here. -(LAUGHTER) 769 00:39:55,650 --> 00:39:57,685 -Very clever, this. Very clever. -Isn't it? 770 00:39:57,752 --> 00:40:00,655 The only slight issue is they do take a lot of effort to blow up. 771 00:40:00,721 --> 00:40:02,357 It's hard work doing. 772 00:40:02,423 --> 00:40:05,326 It doesn't matter, though, because here's the thing. 773 00:40:05,393 --> 00:40:07,996 OK, if you arrive at one of those 774 00:40:08,063 --> 00:40:10,098 high-occupancy vehicle lanes, 775 00:40:10,165 --> 00:40:12,333 then you pull over on the hard shoulder - 776 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,870 just pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side here - 777 00:40:14,936 --> 00:40:17,372 and then use your engine to blow up 778 00:40:17,438 --> 00:40:19,507 your inflatable person. 779 00:40:19,574 --> 00:40:24,679 So I'm going to do that now, just to show you how unbelievably easy this is. 780 00:40:24,745 --> 00:40:26,147 Are we ready? 781 00:40:26,214 --> 00:40:28,516 I'll just er... put a bit of fuel in there. 782 00:40:28,583 --> 00:40:30,251 And here we go. 783 00:40:30,318 --> 00:40:33,154 Why have you put your fingers in your ears? It's only a V8. 784 00:40:33,221 --> 00:40:34,755 It's virtually silent. 785 00:40:34,822 --> 00:40:36,624 (REVVING) 786 00:40:36,691 --> 00:40:38,126 Here we go. 787 00:40:39,227 --> 00:40:41,296 Behold. 788 00:40:44,665 --> 00:40:46,334 What the...? 789 00:40:46,401 --> 00:40:47,602 (LAUGHTER) 790 00:40:58,679 --> 00:41:00,348 Right, the erm... 791 00:41:00,415 --> 00:41:02,717 The inflatable person has split. There's-- 792 00:41:02,918 --> 00:41:04,619 Oh, dear. 793 00:41:04,685 --> 00:41:06,087 Mine's all right. 794 00:41:07,588 --> 00:41:10,525 Let's move on, shall we? Tonight we are in Morocco, 795 00:41:10,591 --> 00:41:15,931 for what was supposed to be a sensible sports-car test of my Mazda MX-5 796 00:41:15,964 --> 00:41:19,567 versus Bob Marley's Norfolk-built Zenos. 797 00:41:19,634 --> 00:41:23,604 Unfortunately, the ape turned up, uninvited, 798 00:41:23,671 --> 00:41:26,374 in a ridiculously expensive Alfa Romeo. 799 00:41:26,441 --> 00:41:27,976 Yes, I did. 800 00:41:28,043 --> 00:41:29,610 And when we left the action, 801 00:41:29,677 --> 00:41:33,381 I decided to see which of the cars was the lightest 802 00:41:33,448 --> 00:41:36,151 by building some rudimentary scales - 803 00:41:36,217 --> 00:41:40,956 a job that these two thought would be... beyond me. 804 00:41:47,395 --> 00:41:50,165 JEREMY: Despite the cynicism of my colleagues, 805 00:41:50,231 --> 00:41:53,201 the next morning, my scales were ready. 806 00:41:57,338 --> 00:41:58,539 (CREAKING) 807 00:42:04,212 --> 00:42:06,147 -Wow. -Yeah. 808 00:42:06,214 --> 00:42:11,019 JAMES: Even more startling was Jeremy's choice of counterweight. 809 00:42:11,086 --> 00:42:12,887 How are you gonna get it on there? 810 00:42:12,988 --> 00:42:14,990 -It's gonna jump. -Oh, yeah, they're big jumpers, cows. 811 00:42:14,990 --> 00:42:16,091 -Look, it wants to. -He's limbering up, 812 00:42:16,157 --> 00:42:17,993 he's getting ready, you can tell. 813 00:42:17,993 --> 00:42:20,695 -Up you come. -It's not gonna jump. They can't jump. 814 00:42:20,761 --> 00:42:23,331 Up you come. 815 00:42:23,398 --> 00:42:26,201 On the off chance that this isn't a jumping cow, 816 00:42:26,267 --> 00:42:29,037 which it might not be, I think you need a ramp. 817 00:42:29,104 --> 00:42:32,007 You hold that. I shall go and make a ramp. 818 00:42:32,073 --> 00:42:33,641 -Hello. Hello. -Hello, nice cow. 819 00:42:33,708 --> 00:42:36,744 Oh, it's bonded with you, Jeremy. It's bonded. 820 00:42:36,811 --> 00:42:39,247 JEREMY: Soon, without any help at all, 821 00:42:39,314 --> 00:42:42,150 I had fashioned a makeshift ramp. 822 00:42:44,252 --> 00:42:45,353 RICHARD: Very good. Well done. 823 00:42:45,420 --> 00:42:47,255 That was quick and effective. 824 00:42:47,322 --> 00:42:50,491 JEREMY: Unfortunately, the cow had wandered off, 825 00:42:50,558 --> 00:42:53,828 so I had to draft in a substitute. 826 00:42:53,894 --> 00:42:55,663 -(CAMEL GRUNTS) -Go on, camel. 827 00:42:55,730 --> 00:42:57,032 -Come on, camel. -Come on. 828 00:42:57,032 --> 00:42:58,599 Come on, camel. Come on. 829 00:42:58,666 --> 00:43:00,135 (CLICKING TONGUE) 830 00:43:00,201 --> 00:43:02,037 Come on. Come on. 831 00:43:02,037 --> 00:43:04,172 He's not gonna go on. 832 00:43:04,239 --> 00:43:05,940 Up you come. Come on. 833 00:43:06,041 --> 00:43:07,642 Come on. Can you push him? Oh, no. 834 00:43:07,708 --> 00:43:11,279 Not really, cos they kick your balls off if you do that. Let me... 835 00:43:11,346 --> 00:43:14,149 David Attenborough has never said that. 836 00:43:14,215 --> 00:43:17,185 JEREMY: Eventually, I had some success. 837 00:43:17,252 --> 00:43:18,653 This is good. We are getting there. 838 00:43:18,719 --> 00:43:20,921 We are building up a big Christmas dinner. 839 00:43:21,056 --> 00:43:24,592 JEREMY: And then the original cow came back. 840 00:43:24,659 --> 00:43:25,793 (CLICKS TONGUE) 841 00:43:25,860 --> 00:43:27,628 -Come on. RICHARD: Dr Thinklittle. 842 00:43:27,695 --> 00:43:30,831 JEREMY: Come on. Come on. RICHARD: My camel's going over here. 843 00:43:30,898 --> 00:43:32,233 Good cow. 844 00:43:34,335 --> 00:43:36,671 -Tragically, however... -...it's not enough. 845 00:43:36,737 --> 00:43:39,340 (SIGHS) Could you go and get another cow? 846 00:43:40,308 --> 00:43:42,143 Come on, small cow. 847 00:43:42,210 --> 00:43:43,811 JEREMY: He's on. Right, excellent. 848 00:43:43,878 --> 00:43:45,180 -Good, good, good. -Jeremy? 849 00:43:45,246 --> 00:43:46,647 -Yes? -This is far... 850 00:43:46,714 --> 00:43:49,584 -Oh, my God! -I don't want to be here for this! 851 00:43:49,650 --> 00:43:52,553 I'm on some scales. Its carrot's come out. 852 00:43:52,620 --> 00:43:54,622 -Are they both boy cows? -Yeah, they're both boys. 853 00:43:54,689 --> 00:43:58,226 Yeah. Oh, no. This is quite bad. 854 00:43:58,293 --> 00:43:59,960 -I'm... Yeah. -I really am alarmed. 855 00:44:00,095 --> 00:44:02,097 I'm stuck on a porn set. 856 00:44:03,731 --> 00:44:05,666 Am I part of this? Is this a threesome? 857 00:44:05,733 --> 00:44:07,935 He's trod on a turk... No, he hasn't. 858 00:44:08,002 --> 00:44:11,406 JEREMY: More importantly, the whole cast of our porn film 859 00:44:11,472 --> 00:44:14,742 still weighed less than the Mazda. 860 00:44:14,809 --> 00:44:17,245 Chickens. Hello, chickies. 861 00:44:17,312 --> 00:44:18,879 -It's not enough, is it? -No. 862 00:44:18,946 --> 00:44:22,683 It doesn't make... Jeremy, this is complete nonsense. 863 00:44:22,750 --> 00:44:24,652 RICHARD: Cow sex! No! 864 00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:28,489 Come on, we go. On you go. 865 00:44:28,556 --> 00:44:30,291 RICHARD: I'm not convinced that this isn't... 866 00:44:30,358 --> 00:44:32,160 Oh, the goat's escaped. 867 00:44:32,227 --> 00:44:34,762 RICHARD: At this stage, we explained to Jeremy 868 00:44:34,829 --> 00:44:38,699 that animals cannot be used as counterweights. 869 00:44:38,766 --> 00:44:40,435 Right, no, you may have a point. 870 00:44:40,501 --> 00:44:43,138 I think it's better if I kill them. 871 00:44:43,204 --> 00:44:45,640 -What? -Well, if they're dead, they won't mind. 872 00:44:47,708 --> 00:44:51,146 JEREMY: This plan made the job much easier. 873 00:44:52,913 --> 00:44:54,149 JEREMY: Oh, hello! 874 00:44:54,182 --> 00:44:56,717 My experiment has worked. 875 00:44:56,784 --> 00:44:57,885 Wow! We have a figure. 876 00:44:57,952 --> 00:45:00,288 JAMES: For the record, it weighs two cows, 877 00:45:00,355 --> 00:45:02,357 two legs of cows - brackets, rear - 878 00:45:02,423 --> 00:45:03,858 one camel and three goats. 879 00:45:03,924 --> 00:45:05,460 That's incredible! 880 00:45:05,526 --> 00:45:07,728 The most exciting thing I've ever been involved in. 881 00:45:09,230 --> 00:45:12,167 JEREMY: Having established the weight of the Mazda, 882 00:45:12,167 --> 00:45:14,335 it was time to do the Zenos. 883 00:45:15,670 --> 00:45:19,174 JEREMY: Hammond, reverse off down my superb ramp. 884 00:45:20,608 --> 00:45:22,377 -Whoa! It's... -I'm gonna walk this way. 885 00:45:22,443 --> 00:45:24,679 Why is it doing that? James counterbalances with you. 886 00:45:24,745 --> 00:45:26,781 -(CRACKING) JEREMY: Hang on. That's not gone well. 887 00:45:26,847 --> 00:45:28,716 JAMES: Yeah, it has. -No, it's moved! 888 00:45:28,783 --> 00:45:30,084 (ALL GROANING) 889 00:45:30,185 --> 00:45:33,053 RICHARD: Oh, this is... Now the back wheels have come off! 890 00:45:33,188 --> 00:45:35,190 Somebody get on! The whole crew! 891 00:45:36,591 --> 00:45:38,025 -What's happened? -(THUD) 892 00:45:38,092 --> 00:45:39,760 JAMES: Oh, God! -(REVVING) 893 00:45:39,827 --> 00:45:42,062 JEREMY: No, there's no point doing that, Hammond. 894 00:45:42,197 --> 00:45:44,199 We need to think this through. 895 00:45:44,199 --> 00:45:45,633 (CREAKING) 896 00:45:47,235 --> 00:45:48,569 Hang on. I've got an idea. 897 00:45:48,636 --> 00:45:51,005 If you get off there, this side will go up. 898 00:45:51,071 --> 00:45:53,808 Then you put the ramp under the back wheels of the Mazda 899 00:45:53,874 --> 00:45:55,276 when it comes down again. 900 00:45:55,343 --> 00:45:58,846 -So you all need to get off. -Right, I'm off. 901 00:45:58,913 --> 00:46:00,315 (CREAKING) 902 00:46:02,217 --> 00:46:04,452 Hang on. Are you going up now? 903 00:46:04,519 --> 00:46:06,053 -I think so. -No, we need... 904 00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:07,588 I know, everybody has to go there. 905 00:46:07,655 --> 00:46:09,490 -On that side. Yeah. -Everybody, all the crew. 906 00:46:09,557 --> 00:46:13,461 All the chunkier lads, if you get on that one. 907 00:46:13,528 --> 00:46:15,396 JEREMY: How did we get into this position? 908 00:46:15,463 --> 00:46:17,598 Somebody pull on the front, just to tip it. 909 00:46:17,665 --> 00:46:20,235 JEREMY: And then we will move this ramp. 910 00:46:20,268 --> 00:46:22,102 Hello? Can we have all of... 911 00:46:22,237 --> 00:46:24,305 -He's down now! RICHARD: Am I gonna die? 912 00:46:25,240 --> 00:46:27,408 Am I dead? Am I dead? 913 00:46:29,577 --> 00:46:31,246 JEREMY: Thanks to our fluent French, 914 00:46:31,246 --> 00:46:35,650 we were able to get the forklift driver to help us. 915 00:46:35,716 --> 00:46:37,552 The Mazda... 916 00:46:37,618 --> 00:46:38,819 Erm... 917 00:46:38,886 --> 00:46:40,788 (ATTEMPTS SPEAKING FRENCH) 918 00:46:42,490 --> 00:46:44,825 JAMES: Reverse à vous la ramp, 919 00:46:44,892 --> 00:46:47,628 avec introduce la ramp... Yeah. 920 00:46:48,896 --> 00:46:51,766 JEREMY: Then the authorities arrived. 921 00:46:51,832 --> 00:46:54,101 -Ah, les animaux? -Yes, les animaux. 922 00:46:54,168 --> 00:46:55,503 Wait. Erm... 923 00:46:56,537 --> 00:46:57,705 Is it a Problème? 924 00:46:57,772 --> 00:47:01,776 James, it's not acceptable in Morocco 925 00:47:01,842 --> 00:47:05,280 to kill animals to establish the weight of a car, so... 926 00:47:05,313 --> 00:47:07,382 It's not acceptable in Morocco? 927 00:47:07,448 --> 00:47:09,417 JEREMY: Having established nothing at all, 928 00:47:09,484 --> 00:47:10,951 we were all ordered to leave, 929 00:47:11,018 --> 00:47:13,788 which made Hammond very cheesed off with me. 930 00:47:13,854 --> 00:47:15,856 RICHARD: You're a bloody idiot! 931 00:47:15,923 --> 00:47:17,292 JEREMY: Funny! 932 00:47:18,826 --> 00:47:20,628 I think he's angry, isn't he? 933 00:47:20,695 --> 00:47:23,731 And I wasn't in James's good books, either. 934 00:47:25,065 --> 00:47:26,734 Clarkson! 935 00:47:26,801 --> 00:47:27,802 What's the matter? 936 00:47:27,868 --> 00:47:30,505 I want the steering wheel back, you muppet! 937 00:47:30,571 --> 00:47:31,939 -I haven't got it. -You have! 938 00:47:32,006 --> 00:47:34,375 I haven't. One of those goats has got it. 939 00:47:34,442 --> 00:47:36,344 Goats can't pick things up. 940 00:47:43,083 --> 00:47:46,621 RICHARD: With his wheel retrieved, we set off. 941 00:47:46,687 --> 00:47:49,189 And soon, James and I decided 942 00:47:49,324 --> 00:47:51,859 something needed to be done. 943 00:47:51,926 --> 00:47:53,861 Jeremy, are you there? 944 00:47:53,928 --> 00:47:56,030 Yes, I am. 945 00:47:56,096 --> 00:47:57,532 Oh, good. Erm... 946 00:47:57,598 --> 00:47:59,133 Look, just... 947 00:47:59,199 --> 00:48:01,502 Er... Just bear with me, OK? 948 00:48:01,569 --> 00:48:05,806 This isn't really working as well as we'd hoped at the moment, 949 00:48:05,873 --> 00:48:09,977 so we think it would be better if we went our own way 950 00:48:10,044 --> 00:48:11,646 and you went yours. 951 00:48:14,248 --> 00:48:16,584 Are you in on this, James? 952 00:48:16,651 --> 00:48:21,356 Well, the thing is that we had conceived quite an interesting test 953 00:48:21,389 --> 00:48:24,792 between an everyday sports car and a hardcore sports car. 954 00:48:24,859 --> 00:48:27,094 And, I mean, it's not you. 955 00:48:27,161 --> 00:48:30,365 But, I mean, really, it's the Alfa. The Alfa doesn't fit. 956 00:48:32,199 --> 00:48:34,201 Right, well, OK. Erm... 957 00:48:34,268 --> 00:48:36,103 I'll leave you two alone. 958 00:48:36,170 --> 00:48:37,738 And I do mean alone, 959 00:48:37,805 --> 00:48:41,376 because... I'm going to take the film crews with me. 960 00:48:49,149 --> 00:48:50,385 Now that we're alone, 961 00:48:50,451 --> 00:48:53,654 I could prattle on for hours 962 00:48:53,721 --> 00:48:57,392 about what the Alfa Romeo badge means, 963 00:48:57,425 --> 00:48:59,727 and how, with its carbon-fibre tub, 964 00:48:59,794 --> 00:49:01,496 this isn't really a sports car. 965 00:49:01,562 --> 00:49:05,500 It's more a... scaled-down, cut-price LaFerrari. 966 00:49:06,667 --> 00:49:08,469 But I've had a better idea. 967 00:49:13,040 --> 00:49:16,844 What I did was find a wonderful piece of road... 968 00:49:21,482 --> 00:49:23,217 ...and then shut up, 969 00:49:23,283 --> 00:49:25,986 so the pictures could do the talking. 970 00:49:31,659 --> 00:49:36,196 * Round, like a circle in a spiral * 971 00:49:36,263 --> 00:49:39,166 * Like a wheel within a wheel * 972 00:49:39,233 --> 00:49:43,904 * Like the circles that you find * 973 00:49:43,971 --> 00:49:52,146 * In the windmills of your mind * 974 00:49:52,212 --> 00:49:55,616 * Like a tunnel that you follow * 975 00:49:55,683 --> 00:49:59,587 * To a tunnel of its own * 976 00:50:00,688 --> 00:50:03,891 * Down a hollow to a cavern * 977 00:50:03,958 --> 00:50:08,729 * Where the sun has never shone * 978 00:50:08,796 --> 00:50:12,467 * Like a door That keeps revolving * 979 00:50:12,533 --> 00:50:17,337 * In a half-forgotten dream * 980 00:50:17,404 --> 00:50:18,973 * Or the ripples * 981 00:50:19,039 --> 00:50:25,279 * From a pebble someone tosses in a stream * 982 00:50:25,345 --> 00:50:28,949 * Like a clock whose hands are sweeping * 983 00:50:29,016 --> 00:50:33,721 * Past the minutes of its face * 984 00:50:33,788 --> 00:50:37,091 * And the world is like an apple * 985 00:50:37,157 --> 00:50:41,796 * Whirling silently in space * 986 00:50:41,862 --> 00:50:45,165 * Like the circles that you find * 987 00:50:45,232 --> 00:50:52,973 * In the windmills of your mind * 988 00:50:56,777 --> 00:50:58,245 That's the thing about this Alfa - 989 00:50:58,312 --> 00:51:01,315 if you talk about it, you're gonna criticise it. 990 00:51:01,381 --> 00:51:05,920 If you just look at it... you're gonna fall in love. Oh, hello. 991 00:51:07,555 --> 00:51:10,525 Mate! Mate! Thank God you're here! 992 00:51:12,059 --> 00:51:13,427 JEREMY: What's the matter with him? 993 00:51:13,528 --> 00:51:15,195 Well, for the first time in my life, 994 00:51:15,262 --> 00:51:18,833 I'm rather glad you're here, because... 995 00:51:18,899 --> 00:51:21,401 he thinks he's discovered an ancient civilisation. 996 00:51:21,536 --> 00:51:23,037 And he got very excited, 997 00:51:23,103 --> 00:51:25,540 and I couldn't say, "No, Hammond, it's not real." 998 00:51:25,540 --> 00:51:26,907 It's a film set. 999 00:51:26,974 --> 00:51:29,677 That is where they filmed Asterix And Obelix , 1000 00:51:29,744 --> 00:51:32,079 and that is where they film Game Of Thrones . 1001 00:51:32,146 --> 00:51:33,814 Yeah, I know that, but he thinks it's real. 1002 00:51:33,881 --> 00:51:35,650 He thinks aliens have come down 1003 00:51:35,716 --> 00:51:39,119 and that everything that universities in Britain know about Ancient Egypt, 1004 00:51:39,186 --> 00:51:41,622 Ancient Greece, Ancient Rome, is all wrong. 1005 00:51:47,427 --> 00:51:49,764 Which feet last trod these steps? 1006 00:51:51,198 --> 00:51:52,600 Were they even human? 1007 00:51:56,370 --> 00:51:58,305 Maybe they were that big. 1008 00:51:58,372 --> 00:52:00,675 This was actually used in The Jewel Of The Nile . 1009 00:52:00,741 --> 00:52:02,042 -Was it? -Yeah. 1010 00:52:02,109 --> 00:52:06,213 Starring Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas, 1011 00:52:06,280 --> 00:52:08,215 and, I think, Danny DeVito. 1012 00:52:08,282 --> 00:52:10,951 Hammond probably thinks that it's a spaceship. 1013 00:52:11,018 --> 00:52:13,053 -That's how they got here. -(CHUCKLES) 1014 00:52:16,390 --> 00:52:18,593 It's like touching hands... 1015 00:52:18,659 --> 00:52:20,828 ...across the millennia. 1016 00:52:22,797 --> 00:52:25,165 These were not primitive people. 1017 00:52:28,202 --> 00:52:29,904 JEREMY: While Indiana Hammond 1018 00:52:29,970 --> 00:52:32,306 continued his deluded ramblings, 1019 00:52:32,372 --> 00:52:34,041 I came up with an idea. 1020 00:52:35,976 --> 00:52:39,279 I tell you what this place has never been used as. 1021 00:52:39,346 --> 00:52:41,616 -What? -A racetrack. 1022 00:52:44,184 --> 00:52:45,820 JEREMY: Having convinced Richard 1023 00:52:45,886 --> 00:52:48,355 we wouldn't anger the sleeping gods, 1024 00:52:48,422 --> 00:52:53,260 we made a circuit from the roads running through the studio lot. 1025 00:52:55,796 --> 00:52:59,466 And then I went off to get changed. 1026 00:52:59,533 --> 00:53:01,769 Wow! Hammond, Roger Moore isn't here. 1027 00:53:01,836 --> 00:53:03,838 No, he's not, is he? What is that? 1028 00:53:03,904 --> 00:53:06,240 It's my Alfa Romeo racing suit. 1029 00:53:06,306 --> 00:53:08,075 -Is it? -Yes, it is. Look at that. 1030 00:53:08,142 --> 00:53:09,810 RICHARD: Oh! JEREMY: Peacock lining. 1031 00:53:09,877 --> 00:53:11,045 RICHARD: That makes it better. 1032 00:53:11,111 --> 00:53:12,647 It's the Dick from Del Monte. 1033 00:53:12,713 --> 00:53:14,514 -The Cock from Del Monte. -(RICHARD LAUGHS) 1034 00:53:14,649 --> 00:53:16,450 The Dick from Del Monte, he says, "Ra-ra-ra!" 1035 00:53:16,516 --> 00:53:19,519 -In an Alfa Romeo-- JAMES: This is tremendous! 1036 00:53:19,654 --> 00:53:22,489 In an Alfa Romeo... 1037 00:53:22,556 --> 00:53:25,392 ...looking good is more important than looking where you're going. 1038 00:53:25,459 --> 00:53:27,227 -That's a shame. -When are you gonna do that? 1039 00:53:29,664 --> 00:53:32,833 JEREMY: It was now time to get down to business. 1040 00:53:32,900 --> 00:53:36,236 But first, we went out for some sighting laps. 1041 00:53:38,305 --> 00:53:40,675 JAMES: Whoa! 1042 00:53:40,708 --> 00:53:43,210 It's all skiddy! 1043 00:53:43,277 --> 00:53:46,146 -Oh, this is very narrow. James did this. -(TYRES SQUEAL) 1044 00:53:46,213 --> 00:53:50,084 That's only an inch wider than my car, you stupid man! 1045 00:53:50,150 --> 00:53:51,518 But I'm in! 1046 00:53:51,585 --> 00:53:53,253 I'm into ancient Egypt! 1047 00:53:55,956 --> 00:53:58,759 Oh, wow! Look at that! Paintings and everything! 1048 00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:03,230 JAMES: I'm gonna go around the unconvincing fighter jet. 1049 00:54:05,800 --> 00:54:10,504 JEREMY: Understeering like mad, that's not good. I must remember that. 1050 00:54:10,570 --> 00:54:13,073 The problem you have in the 4C is it's mid-engined, 1051 00:54:13,140 --> 00:54:15,175 which means, on a surface like this, 1052 00:54:15,242 --> 00:54:16,744 there's no weight over the front, 1053 00:54:16,811 --> 00:54:18,846 and that means... no grip. 1054 00:54:21,215 --> 00:54:24,084 RICHARD: Unlike the other two, this is front-engined, 1055 00:54:24,151 --> 00:54:25,953 so there's less weight on the back end, 1056 00:54:26,020 --> 00:54:27,888 which would make for a livelier back end 1057 00:54:27,955 --> 00:54:30,390 and more time enjoying oversteer. 1058 00:54:30,457 --> 00:54:32,492 (LAUGHS) 1059 00:54:32,559 --> 00:54:34,729 Oh, I'm gonna spin! 1060 00:54:36,063 --> 00:54:39,099 That's bad! That's too much oversteer. 1061 00:54:40,234 --> 00:54:41,736 JEREMY: Game Of Thrones set. 1062 00:54:41,802 --> 00:54:43,871 I mustn't think about Khaleesi. 1063 00:54:43,938 --> 00:54:46,874 Oh, no! Thinking about Khaleesi, it's bad! 1064 00:54:46,941 --> 00:54:48,976 Don't think about Khaleesi! 1065 00:54:49,043 --> 00:54:50,745 No! 1066 00:54:52,312 --> 00:54:54,414 Holy crap! 1067 00:54:54,481 --> 00:54:55,816 It's a castle! 1068 00:54:58,252 --> 00:55:00,988 God, no! Nearly hit a bit of Nazareth then. 1069 00:55:01,055 --> 00:55:03,157 Jesus would have been displeased. 1070 00:55:07,795 --> 00:55:09,029 JEREMY: Having got to know 1071 00:55:09,096 --> 00:55:11,098 our weird and demanding track, 1072 00:55:11,165 --> 00:55:14,368 we began the timed laps, with James going first 1073 00:55:14,434 --> 00:55:17,972 in his lightweight, powerful Norfolk-mobile. 1074 00:55:19,807 --> 00:55:21,608 Right, are we ready, James May? 1075 00:55:21,675 --> 00:55:24,178 In three, two, one... Begin! 1076 00:55:33,353 --> 00:55:36,356 Oh, where's the bend? I don't... 1077 00:55:39,493 --> 00:55:40,795 Oh, balls! 1078 00:55:40,795 --> 00:55:42,662 You know, what worries me most of all, 1079 00:55:42,797 --> 00:55:48,002 is the poor little man who's mortgaged his house to start Zenos. 1080 00:55:48,068 --> 00:55:50,070 And that he's lent it to us on the television. 1081 00:55:50,137 --> 00:55:52,606 "And which one's driving it? Which...?" 1082 00:55:52,672 --> 00:55:53,941 "Oh, no." 1083 00:55:56,443 --> 00:55:57,878 Right, now what do I do? 1084 00:56:01,515 --> 00:56:04,018 After my first-corner cock-up, 1085 00:56:04,084 --> 00:56:06,954 I was on the back foot, trying to make up time. 1086 00:56:10,357 --> 00:56:12,326 Heading for Nazareth, I think. 1087 00:56:17,564 --> 00:56:19,399 Whoa! 1088 00:56:19,466 --> 00:56:21,001 All over the place! 1089 00:56:27,908 --> 00:56:30,310 Round and round the thingy. 1090 00:56:31,411 --> 00:56:32,880 Whoa! 1091 00:56:38,418 --> 00:56:40,354 Fast, faster. Faster. 1092 00:56:53,167 --> 00:56:58,638 Well... this only goes up to 999 hours, sadly. 1093 00:56:58,705 --> 00:56:59,940 JAMES: Right. 1094 00:57:00,007 --> 00:57:02,309 But it's OK, you were just in that time. 1095 00:57:02,376 --> 00:57:03,143 Yeah, mm. 1096 00:57:03,210 --> 00:57:04,611 James, did you manage to drive 1097 00:57:04,678 --> 00:57:07,014 whilst dragging your face along the ground? 1098 00:57:07,081 --> 00:57:08,682 A lot of dust comes in. 1099 00:57:08,748 --> 00:57:11,551 -Why don't you wind the windows up? -(SNIGGERS) 1100 00:57:11,618 --> 00:57:13,620 You're funny men. 1101 00:57:13,687 --> 00:57:17,391 RICHARD: Next, it was the turn of John Travolta. 1102 00:57:17,457 --> 00:57:20,995 Never has anybody looked quite so good... 1103 00:57:21,061 --> 00:57:22,462 ...on a timed lap. 1104 00:57:23,898 --> 00:57:25,132 (REVVING) 1105 00:57:25,199 --> 00:57:28,402 In three, two, one... Go! 1106 00:57:34,474 --> 00:57:36,276 Right, let's make this count. 1107 00:57:40,948 --> 00:57:42,917 -(YELLS) Narrow! -(TYRES SQUEAL) 1108 00:57:52,459 --> 00:57:53,560 Sideways in linen! 1109 00:58:08,342 --> 00:58:09,576 Game Of Thrones set. 1110 00:58:18,552 --> 00:58:20,187 Understeering... 1111 00:58:21,121 --> 00:58:22,990 Turn! Turn! 1112 00:58:26,326 --> 00:58:28,996 Come on, let's get that turbocharger singing! 1113 00:58:30,597 --> 00:58:32,332 Kill it now! 1114 00:58:49,049 --> 00:58:50,350 Well, he arrived. 1115 00:58:51,718 --> 00:58:54,688 JAMES: Finally, Sir John Blashford-Hammond. 1116 00:58:56,056 --> 00:58:57,124 -Ready? -Yes. 1117 00:58:57,191 --> 00:58:59,459 In three, two, one... Go! 1118 00:59:02,762 --> 00:59:04,164 Right, this is it. 1119 00:59:12,872 --> 00:59:14,141 (GRUNTS) 1120 00:59:22,916 --> 00:59:24,451 I can't afford a single error. 1121 00:59:40,867 --> 00:59:42,702 Uh-oh! This is a hot lap! 1122 00:59:53,580 --> 00:59:55,882 Here he comes. 1123 00:59:55,949 --> 00:59:58,052 Ooh! 1124 01:00:00,687 --> 01:00:02,222 No! 1125 01:00:02,289 --> 01:00:04,458 And with that, back to the tent. 1126 01:00:06,026 --> 01:00:08,495 (CHEERING) 1127 01:00:08,562 --> 01:00:10,797 Smashed it. Smashed it. 1128 01:00:10,864 --> 01:00:13,367 -Hang on a minute. -What? 1129 01:00:13,433 --> 01:00:16,770 You know that Windmills Of Your Mind sequence in the car? 1130 01:00:16,836 --> 01:00:19,539 -Yeah. -You made the Alfa look really good in that. 1131 01:00:19,606 --> 01:00:21,575 -Yes. -What if somebody buys one? 1132 01:00:21,641 --> 01:00:23,210 You don't want that on your conscience. 1133 01:00:23,277 --> 01:00:25,545 What do you mean? It was a brilliant... What? 1134 01:00:25,612 --> 01:00:29,283 Anyway, anyway, I have the results here of the laps. 1135 01:00:29,349 --> 01:00:31,385 And er... well, in third place, 1136 01:00:31,451 --> 01:00:33,120 you in the Zenos; second place, you in the Alfa; 1137 01:00:33,187 --> 01:00:35,289 first place, the winner was me in the Mazda. 1138 01:00:35,355 --> 01:00:36,756 But it was a hollow victory, 1139 01:00:36,823 --> 01:00:40,727 because I ruined an ancient piece of sculpture. 1140 01:00:40,794 --> 01:00:41,961 (LAUGHTER) 1141 01:00:42,028 --> 01:00:43,463 Yes, but here's the thing, OK? 1142 01:00:43,530 --> 01:00:46,766 After the weight test and the speed test we did, 1143 01:00:46,833 --> 01:00:49,469 we've learned... 1144 01:00:49,536 --> 01:00:51,271 -...nothing. -Yeah, it's nothing. Nothing at all. 1145 01:00:51,338 --> 01:00:53,340 Literally nothing at all. 1146 01:00:53,407 --> 01:00:55,409 And on that terrible disappointment, 1147 01:00:55,475 --> 01:00:56,610 I'm afraid it's time to end. 1148 01:00:56,676 --> 01:00:58,412 Thank you so much for watching. 1149 01:00:58,478 --> 01:01:00,680 -See you next week. Goodbye. -Goodbye! 1150 01:01:00,747 --> 01:01:02,682 (CHEERING)