1 00:00:54,084 --> 00:00:56,019 (CHEERING) 2 00:00:59,256 --> 00:01:01,191 Hello, everybody! 3 00:01:01,258 --> 00:01:03,727 Hello! Hello! 4 00:01:07,765 --> 00:01:09,967 - Hello! - (CHEERING) 5 00:01:11,101 --> 00:01:13,003 Thank you so much. 6 00:01:13,070 --> 00:01:16,239 JEREMY: What a welcome. 7 00:01:16,374 --> 00:01:18,409 Hello. Thank you, everyone. 8 00:01:18,476 --> 00:01:20,611 Welcome to The Grand Tour, 9 00:01:20,678 --> 00:01:24,181 which this week comes to you from the shores of Loch Ness 10 00:01:24,247 --> 00:01:27,951 - in Scotland! - (CHEERING) 11 00:01:28,018 --> 00:01:29,219 Now... 12 00:01:29,286 --> 00:01:30,521 Exactly. 13 00:01:30,588 --> 00:01:32,289 Now, to most people around the world, 14 00:01:32,390 --> 00:01:34,892 Scotland is just a bunch of scenery 15 00:01:34,958 --> 00:01:37,528 and Mel Gibson with some paint on his face. 16 00:01:37,595 --> 00:01:40,130 But actually it's a bit more than that. 17 00:01:40,197 --> 00:01:43,300 What we have here is a list of all the important things 18 00:01:43,401 --> 00:01:45,302 that were invented in America, OK? 19 00:01:45,403 --> 00:01:47,738 This is what the Germans came up with. 20 00:01:47,805 --> 00:01:50,107 Then we've got the English contribution. 21 00:01:50,173 --> 00:01:53,644 And then let's have a look at what France did. 22 00:01:55,646 --> 00:01:58,148 That's it. I'm not making that up. 23 00:01:58,215 --> 00:01:59,316 - And the pencil sharpener. 24 00:01:59,417 --> 00:02:00,884 - Oh, and the pencil sharpener! 25 00:02:00,951 --> 00:02:03,887 Now let's have a look at the list of things 26 00:02:03,954 --> 00:02:06,624 that were invented by Scottish people. 27 00:02:06,690 --> 00:02:08,892 RICHARD: It's just...! 28 00:02:08,959 --> 00:02:10,761 (CHEERING) 29 00:02:10,828 --> 00:02:12,863 It's unbelievable! It's everything! 30 00:02:12,930 --> 00:02:16,800 Cordite. Cloning. Colour photography. 31 00:02:16,867 --> 00:02:18,702 Percussion cap. 32 00:02:18,769 --> 00:02:21,539 Golf, lime cordial. I mean, the list goes on and on. 33 00:02:21,605 --> 00:02:24,542 - Buick! - Hang on a minute. 34 00:02:24,608 --> 00:02:27,010 Why is the US Navy on there? 35 00:02:27,077 --> 00:02:30,714 Not joking, that was actually invented by a Scottish person. 36 00:02:30,781 --> 00:02:33,617 - Was it? - So was the BBC, so was the SAS. 37 00:02:33,684 --> 00:02:36,820 All Special Forces, in fact. And I think I know why. 38 00:02:36,887 --> 00:02:39,923 If you are from Mexico or France or Italy, 39 00:02:39,990 --> 00:02:41,792 you wake up in the morning, open the curtains, 40 00:02:41,859 --> 00:02:44,227 it's a lovely day, think, "I'll go to the beach." 41 00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:46,997 In Scotland you open the curtains... 42 00:02:47,064 --> 00:02:48,632 it's damp and cold: 43 00:02:48,699 --> 00:02:50,834 "I'll go to the shed and I'll invent something." 44 00:02:50,901 --> 00:02:52,903 That's what's going on there. 45 00:02:52,970 --> 00:02:55,238 I'm surprised, actually, the English, 46 00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:58,308 don't just say that those are British inventions. 47 00:02:58,375 --> 00:03:00,744 Ah, yes, the Andy Murray syndrome. 48 00:03:00,811 --> 00:03:02,379 (BOOING) 49 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,147 Let's be honest, this does happen a lot. 50 00:03:04,214 --> 00:03:06,183 OK. Alexander Graham Bell, 51 00:03:06,249 --> 00:03:07,818 when he was working away 52 00:03:07,885 --> 00:03:09,753 with his Bakelite and his wires in his shed, 53 00:03:09,820 --> 00:03:11,622 he was a Scottish crackpot. 54 00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:14,558 When he invented the telephone, 55 00:03:14,625 --> 00:03:16,660 he was a British genius! 56 00:03:16,727 --> 00:03:19,497 Exactly the same sort of thing happens with sport. 57 00:03:19,563 --> 00:03:21,599 Motor racing, Jackie Stewart. 58 00:03:21,665 --> 00:03:24,334 Three times Formula 1 World Champion. 59 00:03:24,401 --> 00:03:25,769 OK, he's British. 60 00:03:25,836 --> 00:03:29,507 Jim Clark. Two times Formula 1 World Champion. 61 00:03:29,507 --> 00:03:32,910 British. David Coulthard... Scottish. 62 00:03:36,514 --> 00:03:38,816 That's how it works! 63 00:03:38,882 --> 00:03:40,918 - It is, yes. - Maybe we should explain 64 00:03:40,984 --> 00:03:42,920 to people in America what's going on here. 65 00:03:42,986 --> 00:03:44,988 Yeah, exactly. Let me just clear this up for you. 66 00:03:45,055 --> 00:03:47,024 This is how it works on this side of the pond. 67 00:03:47,090 --> 00:03:49,960 This is Britain. This bit is England, where we're from. 68 00:03:50,027 --> 00:03:51,795 This bit's Scotland, where we are now. 69 00:03:51,862 --> 00:03:55,398 This bit's Wales, which is next to where I live. 70 00:03:55,533 --> 00:03:57,300 Exactly. The rules are very simple. 71 00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:58,836 If you're English 72 00:03:58,902 --> 00:04:01,304 and you become brilliant or do something brilliant, 73 00:04:01,371 --> 00:04:02,840 you remain English. 74 00:04:02,906 --> 00:04:04,542 If you're Scottish or Welsh 75 00:04:04,542 --> 00:04:06,009 and you do something brilliant, 76 00:04:06,076 --> 00:04:11,181 the English decide that you are, in fact, British. 77 00:04:11,248 --> 00:04:13,784 The English really are appalling, aren't they?! 78 00:04:13,851 --> 00:04:16,954 - RICHARD: They are! - (CHEERING) 79 00:04:20,190 --> 00:04:22,560 I tell you what, I love being in Scotland 80 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,795 because everyone here speaks their mind. 81 00:04:24,862 --> 00:04:26,864 There's no ambiguity. 82 00:04:26,930 --> 00:04:29,232 The town of Larkhall in Scotland, their welcome sign, 83 00:04:29,299 --> 00:04:31,569 here we go. 84 00:04:35,372 --> 00:04:37,575 (CHEERING) 85 00:04:37,608 --> 00:04:40,277 This is Scotland. 86 00:04:40,343 --> 00:04:42,445 It's not just words, either, it's actions. 87 00:04:42,580 --> 00:04:44,748 Do you remember that terrorist attack at Glasgow Airport 88 00:04:44,815 --> 00:04:46,416 a couple of years ago? 89 00:04:46,483 --> 00:04:49,152 Somebody tried to explode... bomb didn't go off. 90 00:04:49,219 --> 00:04:50,854 He ran off and he didn't get very far 91 00:04:50,921 --> 00:04:53,490 because this happened. 92 00:04:53,591 --> 00:04:55,726 (LAUGHTER) 93 00:04:58,662 --> 00:05:01,899 The Scottish way. That is the Scottish way. 94 00:05:03,466 --> 00:05:05,836 And um... 95 00:05:05,903 --> 00:05:09,439 Interestingly, there have been no terrorist attacks in Scotland since. 96 00:05:09,506 --> 00:05:11,709 Just thinking about that for a second. 97 00:05:11,775 --> 00:05:13,343 When he kicked him, he must have broken his foot 98 00:05:13,410 --> 00:05:14,845 on the other guy's pelvis. 99 00:05:14,912 --> 00:05:17,014 - Yeah. - Which means the guy's plums 100 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:20,217 were in the middle of the impact. 101 00:05:22,019 --> 00:05:23,621 When that terrorist woke up that morning, 102 00:05:23,654 --> 00:05:25,055 he must've thought, "Right, 103 00:05:25,122 --> 00:05:27,224 "The worst thing that'll happen to me today 104 00:05:27,290 --> 00:05:28,391 is I'm gonna blow up." 105 00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:29,960 It wasn't, though, was it? 106 00:05:30,027 --> 00:05:33,063 Cos the only thing to explode was his knackers. 107 00:05:33,130 --> 00:05:35,633 - Can we get on with the show? - Yes. Good idea. 108 00:05:35,666 --> 00:05:38,501 Because in tonight's car programme... 109 00:05:38,636 --> 00:05:41,004 I urinate on an engine... 110 00:05:42,806 --> 00:05:44,942 Richard wears an anorak... 111 00:05:45,843 --> 00:05:48,712 and James takes drugs. 112 00:05:51,081 --> 00:05:52,983 But first, I want to talk about Fiat. 113 00:05:53,050 --> 00:05:55,318 They're mostly known these days for the 500, 114 00:05:55,385 --> 00:05:57,220 which is a small retro hatchback. 115 00:05:57,287 --> 00:05:59,222 But after an absence of more than a decade, 116 00:05:59,289 --> 00:06:01,524 they are back in the sports car game. 117 00:06:01,659 --> 00:06:03,260 So I went down to the Eboladrome 118 00:06:03,326 --> 00:06:05,228 to check out what they've come up with. 119 00:06:18,909 --> 00:06:22,680 Here it is. And as with the 500, 120 00:06:22,713 --> 00:06:24,047 you can tell straightaway 121 00:06:24,114 --> 00:06:27,685 that Fiat are playing the nostalgia card 122 00:06:27,718 --> 00:06:31,689 because this car is called the 124 Spider, 123 00:06:31,689 --> 00:06:36,960 in honour of their rear-wheel drive roadster from the '70s. 124 00:06:37,027 --> 00:06:39,029 Under the skin, though, 125 00:06:39,096 --> 00:06:44,401 the 124 is based on the thoroughly modern Mazda MX-5. 126 00:06:44,467 --> 00:06:47,838 Fiat supply some important things like the engine 127 00:06:47,905 --> 00:06:49,539 and the body, 128 00:06:49,606 --> 00:06:51,008 but both cars are built 129 00:06:51,074 --> 00:06:53,243 on the same production line in Japan. 130 00:06:55,378 --> 00:06:57,748 On the surface, that is no bad thing. 131 00:06:57,815 --> 00:06:59,717 You're gonna sleep a lot better at night 132 00:06:59,717 --> 00:07:01,384 knowing that your Italian car 133 00:07:01,451 --> 00:07:04,287 was actually put together by the Japanese. 134 00:07:04,354 --> 00:07:07,090 However, it does raise a question. 135 00:07:07,157 --> 00:07:10,027 Is that a sports car in its own right, 136 00:07:10,093 --> 00:07:14,097 or just a Mazda with a different badge on? 137 00:07:14,164 --> 00:07:15,999 Well, before we find out, 138 00:07:16,066 --> 00:07:18,268 let's look a bit more closely at the badge. 139 00:07:18,335 --> 00:07:21,338 Because you'll notice it says Abarth. 140 00:07:23,774 --> 00:07:25,843 Abarth are Fiat's go- to people 141 00:07:25,909 --> 00:07:29,412 when they want to light a fire under one of their cars. 142 00:07:29,479 --> 00:07:33,583 Not light an actual fire, but give what's already there 143 00:07:33,650 --> 00:07:37,254 some extra zest and zing and fire. 144 00:07:40,090 --> 00:07:44,627 For starters, Abarth has tuned the 1.4 litre turbo- charged engine, 145 00:07:44,762 --> 00:07:49,900 so that this, the hottest 124, is faster than any MX- 5. 146 00:07:52,535 --> 00:07:54,938 0- 60 takes 6.8 seconds. 147 00:07:57,107 --> 00:08:02,312 And the top speed is 145mph. 148 00:08:02,379 --> 00:08:06,784 But in a car like this that feels like 145 million. 149 00:08:09,052 --> 00:08:10,988 Certainly bundles for me. 150 00:08:13,190 --> 00:08:16,426 And it's not just performance where the 124 has the edge 151 00:08:16,493 --> 00:08:20,097 over its Japanese half- brother. 152 00:08:20,163 --> 00:08:22,065 I have to admit, and this comes from someone 153 00:08:22,132 --> 00:08:25,435 who struggles to find fault with the MX- 5, 154 00:08:25,502 --> 00:08:28,238 the 124 does sound better. 155 00:08:30,941 --> 00:08:35,512 Abarth have given it something called the Record Monza exhaust system. 156 00:08:35,578 --> 00:08:40,683 What it does is make a small car produce a big- car noise. 157 00:08:40,818 --> 00:08:42,886 (ENGINE ROARS) 158 00:08:49,192 --> 00:08:51,128 It's like a cat in a lion suit 159 00:08:51,194 --> 00:08:53,831 and that's exactly the sort of panto you want. 160 00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:58,601 What I'm saying here is that this car does its own thing. 161 00:08:58,668 --> 00:09:01,371 It has its own personality. And that's important. 162 00:09:03,974 --> 00:09:08,078 But on the next point, the 124 does take a bit of a body blow. 163 00:09:10,914 --> 00:09:15,552 You see, there's a price to pay for all this Abarth- ness. 164 00:09:15,618 --> 00:09:19,189 And that price is £30,000. 165 00:09:19,256 --> 00:09:22,860 £5,000 more than the top MX- 5. 166 00:09:22,860 --> 00:09:27,697 That said, the 124 does give you more under the skin, 167 00:09:27,764 --> 00:09:32,569 most notably in the handling department. 168 00:09:32,635 --> 00:09:37,374 The thing is, Abarth have given this car a limited- slip diff... 169 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:41,044 which makes sliding something you command. 170 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,181 (TYRES SCREECH) 171 00:09:49,552 --> 00:09:52,022 The MX- 5 doesn't have that. 172 00:09:52,089 --> 00:09:54,791 Neither does it have this sport button here, 173 00:09:54,892 --> 00:09:57,895 which relaxes the stability control. 174 00:09:58,728 --> 00:09:59,963 Quite a lot. 175 00:10:11,574 --> 00:10:14,744 So, what we have here is a car that's fast, 176 00:10:14,811 --> 00:10:18,181 sounds good and is great fun in the corners. 177 00:10:20,583 --> 00:10:24,287 But there's something else very important about the 124. 178 00:10:28,491 --> 00:10:30,793 I don't know that there's really a million miles of difference 179 00:10:30,860 --> 00:10:33,130 between this and the MX- 5. 180 00:10:35,665 --> 00:10:39,369 But everything I do in this car I'm doing in an Italian sports car. 181 00:10:41,838 --> 00:10:46,143 And it is impossible for that not to put you in a good mood. 182 00:10:47,644 --> 00:10:51,982 It does feel so good to be in a small, Italian roadster again. 183 00:10:52,049 --> 00:10:54,985 It's about time. 184 00:10:55,052 --> 00:10:59,322 Everything about this little Fiat is designed to stir the emotions. 185 00:10:59,389 --> 00:11:02,159 And make you smile like a child. 186 00:11:02,225 --> 00:11:05,028 Right down to the retro black bonnet. 187 00:11:05,095 --> 00:11:07,397 God, I love a black bonnet! 188 00:11:07,464 --> 00:11:09,832 It just... Ooh! 189 00:11:09,967 --> 00:11:11,969 It's just...a black bonnet. 190 00:11:12,035 --> 00:11:16,106 Only cool cars have black bonnets. Fact! 191 00:11:16,173 --> 00:11:18,741 I really like the MX- 5. 192 00:11:18,808 --> 00:11:22,345 But the 124 has taken those Japanese foundations 193 00:11:22,412 --> 00:11:25,082 and added some Italian showmanship. 194 00:11:27,117 --> 00:11:29,987 That's why I'd have it over the Mazda. 195 00:11:30,020 --> 00:11:33,223 I don't just like it, I love it. 196 00:11:38,361 --> 00:11:39,862 (CHEERING) 197 00:11:39,997 --> 00:11:43,300 It's interesting that, because... 198 00:11:43,366 --> 00:11:46,603 ..as you know, I'm a sucker for an Italian sports car. 199 00:11:46,669 --> 00:11:49,406 Love 'em to bits especially the Alfa. 200 00:11:49,472 --> 00:11:53,276 However, I've driven an ordinary, cooking Fiat 124 201 00:11:53,343 --> 00:11:57,214 and that is not as good as an MX- 5, not even close. 202 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,282 That's true. You'd be better off with the MX- 5. 203 00:11:59,349 --> 00:12:02,019 Unless you want the fastest MX- 5, 204 00:12:02,019 --> 00:12:03,486 in which case buy the Abarth. 205 00:12:03,553 --> 00:12:08,058 - Quite. - Have we just done consumer advice? 206 00:12:08,125 --> 00:12:10,427 A little bit. A little bit. Moving on quickly. 207 00:12:10,493 --> 00:12:12,429 Yes, we will, move it on. And we'll find out 208 00:12:12,495 --> 00:12:15,465 how fast the Abarth goes round the Eboladrome. 209 00:12:15,532 --> 00:12:17,334 That, of course, means handing it over to a man 210 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,170 who thinks that beards were invented by Lenin. 211 00:12:20,237 --> 00:12:23,473 Yep. It's the American. 212 00:12:23,540 --> 00:12:26,143 There he is, poised and ready. 213 00:12:26,209 --> 00:12:28,211 And he's off. 214 00:12:28,278 --> 00:12:30,180 With a skitter of wheelspin 215 00:12:30,247 --> 00:12:31,814 and a fruity noise from the exhaust. 216 00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:36,853 Straight onto a soaking-wet Isn't Strait. 217 00:12:36,919 --> 00:12:39,189 What the hell... 218 00:12:39,256 --> 00:12:42,225 has happened in my life... 219 00:12:42,292 --> 00:12:44,727 that I'm over here driving a Fiat... 220 00:12:44,794 --> 00:12:47,730 in the wet in England? 221 00:12:47,797 --> 00:12:51,301 He may not be enjoying it but he is very good at it. 222 00:12:51,368 --> 00:12:54,571 As he carves the 124 through the standing water, 223 00:12:54,637 --> 00:12:58,941 making the best use of its 170 horsepower. 224 00:12:59,076 --> 00:13:02,479 Really leaning on it as he approaches Your Name Here. 225 00:13:02,545 --> 00:13:03,946 That is ballsy. 226 00:13:04,081 --> 00:13:05,315 Now, heavy on the brakes, 227 00:13:05,382 --> 00:13:08,585 swoops round this fast left-hander, 228 00:13:08,651 --> 00:13:12,655 and exits with a skilful flurry of stylish over-steer. 229 00:13:12,722 --> 00:13:14,391 Back onto the Isn't. 230 00:13:14,457 --> 00:13:17,127 Hell, I don't know whether to drive this thing 231 00:13:17,194 --> 00:13:19,096 or use it for a spit-cup. 232 00:13:19,129 --> 00:13:21,164 Charming! 233 00:13:21,231 --> 00:13:22,499 Nerds will note these conditions 234 00:13:22,565 --> 00:13:25,102 would be better suited to a Barchetta. 235 00:13:25,102 --> 00:13:26,669 If you like this car, 236 00:13:26,736 --> 00:13:30,107 I bet you got a lot of fancy cushions in your house. 237 00:13:30,107 --> 00:13:31,508 Yeah, cos as we know, 238 00:13:31,574 --> 00:13:33,543 cushions are, of course, Communist. 239 00:13:33,610 --> 00:13:38,348 Right, into the tight complex of Old Lady's House. 240 00:13:38,415 --> 00:13:40,683 Keeping it nice and tidy through there. 241 00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:44,821 And now full power for the lumpy, bumpy sprint 242 00:13:44,887 --> 00:13:46,723 down to Substation. 243 00:13:46,789 --> 00:13:49,226 Front hazards coming on under hard braking. 244 00:13:49,292 --> 00:13:51,228 All Fiats do that for some reason. 245 00:13:51,294 --> 00:13:53,596 Armful of opposite lock into Field Of Sheep. 246 00:13:53,663 --> 00:13:57,534 More exuberance through there and across the line. 247 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,536 (CHEERING) 248 00:14:00,737 --> 00:14:03,773 (LOW CHATTER) 249 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,209 It was a ballsy entry into Your Name Here, that was. 250 00:14:06,276 --> 00:14:11,314 Anyway...we must now find out where it ends up on the board. 251 00:14:11,381 --> 00:14:13,183 Let's have a look. 252 00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:16,186 Oh, dear. Oh, dear, Hammond. 253 00:14:16,253 --> 00:14:18,188 So you've recommended what is 254 00:14:18,255 --> 00:14:20,557 officially the slowest car in the world. 255 00:14:20,623 --> 00:14:24,060 Well... No, slowest car on our board. 256 00:14:24,161 --> 00:14:25,995 - Our board is the world. - It is. 257 00:14:26,062 --> 00:14:28,165 All right. Look, it was wet. 258 00:14:28,165 --> 00:14:31,568 That lake's wet. Someone once did 200mph on that. 259 00:14:31,634 --> 00:14:33,970 - And... - Then they were killed, I admit. 260 00:14:34,036 --> 00:14:35,272 - But... - Quite, quite. 261 00:14:35,338 --> 00:14:36,573 Let's move on. It's time now 262 00:14:36,639 --> 00:14:38,608 for us to take a gentle cruise 263 00:14:38,675 --> 00:14:42,545 down the velvety smoothness of Conversation Street. 264 00:14:42,612 --> 00:14:44,547 (MELLOW JAZZ) 265 00:14:46,683 --> 00:14:48,351 (LAUGHTER) 266 00:14:50,287 --> 00:14:51,821 - That really hurts. - It did! 267 00:14:51,888 --> 00:14:53,956 Just to be absolutely clear with you, 268 00:14:54,023 --> 00:14:55,725 that really, really hurt. 269 00:14:55,792 --> 00:15:00,363 Yeah. It was supposed to be a pretend bottle. 270 00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:03,466 - Let's move it on. - I would like to converse about something important. 271 00:15:03,533 --> 00:15:06,669 Why is it that we have leather seats in cars? 272 00:15:06,736 --> 00:15:09,206 Because in reality it's a terrible material. 273 00:15:09,239 --> 00:15:10,673 It's too shiny and slippery. 274 00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:13,276 It's too hot or it's too cold. It's rubbish. 275 00:15:13,343 --> 00:15:15,545 I think it's cos we got hung up on the idea 276 00:15:15,612 --> 00:15:18,648 that leather is somehow posh on a car seat. 277 00:15:18,715 --> 00:15:20,116 But it didn't use to be like that. 278 00:15:20,217 --> 00:15:21,584 In the old days, the posh people sat 279 00:15:21,651 --> 00:15:23,720 in the back of the car on cloth seats, 280 00:15:23,786 --> 00:15:25,488 and it was the chauffeur sitting at the front-- 281 00:15:25,555 --> 00:15:27,224 they gave him leather because it's hard-wearing. 282 00:15:27,224 --> 00:15:29,526 I've got a picture here of an old car. 283 00:15:29,592 --> 00:15:32,562 They didn't even extend the roof to cover him! 284 00:15:32,629 --> 00:15:33,996 Another three feet would have done it. 285 00:15:34,063 --> 00:15:35,565 I think that's deliberate. 286 00:15:35,632 --> 00:15:37,934 I think that's to remind him that he's scum! 287 00:15:39,569 --> 00:15:42,239 What would you two like to have instead of leather? 288 00:15:42,305 --> 00:15:44,073 There's all sorts of things you could use. 289 00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:46,075 You could have cable-knit wool. 290 00:15:46,142 --> 00:15:50,347 But it's nice, it's cosy. Desperately looking around. 291 00:15:50,413 --> 00:15:53,250 - His jumper would make quite a good car seat. - Cosy. 292 00:15:53,316 --> 00:15:55,952 It's nylon! It is! 293 00:15:56,018 --> 00:15:58,588 Or pleblon. One of the two. 294 00:15:58,655 --> 00:16:01,458 - It's a good idea. - It isn't a good idea! 295 00:16:01,524 --> 00:16:03,593 Or, how's this for an idea? 296 00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:05,462 Let me just throw it out there. 297 00:16:05,528 --> 00:16:07,430 Why not take a cow, 298 00:16:07,497 --> 00:16:10,600 turn the middle of it into burgers and steaks, 299 00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:13,336 and then, instead of throwing the skin away, 300 00:16:13,403 --> 00:16:15,772 use it to cover the seats of your car? 301 00:16:15,838 --> 00:16:19,041 Because it's a terrible material and it doesn't work. 302 00:16:19,108 --> 00:16:20,443 That's only because you two 303 00:16:20,510 --> 00:16:22,279 have decided to be vegetarians. 304 00:16:22,345 --> 00:16:23,713 Well, no, hang on... 305 00:16:23,780 --> 00:16:26,383 They have. They actually have. 306 00:16:26,449 --> 00:16:28,351 They woke up together one morning and went, 307 00:16:28,418 --> 00:16:29,652 "Let's not eat meat any more." 308 00:16:29,719 --> 00:16:32,855 We didn't wake up together one morning. 309 00:16:32,922 --> 00:16:34,757 - Get clear on that. - It's a fine definition. 310 00:16:34,824 --> 00:16:37,860 Mysteriously arrived at the same conclusion 311 00:16:37,927 --> 00:16:39,161 pretty much the same day. 312 00:16:39,296 --> 00:16:40,663 Anyway, we still eat chicken. 313 00:16:40,730 --> 00:16:42,532 Yep. Chicken is a vegetable. 314 00:16:42,599 --> 00:16:44,801 - It isn't. - It is. 315 00:16:44,867 --> 00:16:47,537 Scientifically, chicken is a vegetable. 316 00:16:47,604 --> 00:16:50,340 If you cut a chicken's head off it still runs around. 317 00:16:50,407 --> 00:16:51,841 There you go. 318 00:16:51,908 --> 00:16:53,676 Thereby proving it's not a sentient being, 319 00:16:53,743 --> 00:16:55,412 it's a higher-order vegetable. 320 00:16:55,478 --> 00:16:56,813 Scientifically. 321 00:16:56,879 --> 00:16:58,815 OK, we'll make the seats of your cars 322 00:16:58,881 --> 00:17:01,318 out of chicken skins. Actually, that's not a bad idea. 323 00:17:01,384 --> 00:17:05,822 Wouldn't a chicken-skin seat look like a giant scrotum? 324 00:17:05,888 --> 00:17:08,525 Yes, and that's your fault for not eating meat. 325 00:17:08,591 --> 00:17:10,627 So now let's move on, shall we? 326 00:17:10,693 --> 00:17:13,830 I've got something. Back in the 1920s, OK, 327 00:17:13,896 --> 00:17:15,532 a Scottish company made a car 328 00:17:15,598 --> 00:17:17,767 which they said was for women. 329 00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:20,370 Got a picture of it here. It's called the Galloway. 330 00:17:20,437 --> 00:17:24,006 What about that car makes it for women? 331 00:17:24,073 --> 00:17:27,577 Well, they said it had a smaller-than-usual steering wheel 332 00:17:27,644 --> 00:17:30,680 - and a more reliable engine. - Oh, yeah, of course, 333 00:17:30,747 --> 00:17:32,782 because men don't want a reliable engine, do they? 334 00:17:32,849 --> 00:17:34,517 - It's only women! - I hate reliable engines. 335 00:17:34,584 --> 00:17:36,152 Also, you can drive it standing up, 336 00:17:36,218 --> 00:17:38,355 which is what women did in the 1920s. 337 00:17:38,421 --> 00:17:39,689 This sort of thing is still going on today 338 00:17:39,756 --> 00:17:41,190 because I've got news of one here. 339 00:17:41,257 --> 00:17:42,625 A car that's been launched 340 00:17:42,692 --> 00:17:45,562 called the Seat Mii Cosmopolitan. 341 00:17:45,628 --> 00:17:47,464 We have a picture of it. There you go. 342 00:17:47,530 --> 00:17:50,367 - How do you spell Mii? - M-I-I. 343 00:17:50,433 --> 00:17:53,470 - It's Mii-iii. - It is Mii-iii. 344 00:17:53,536 --> 00:17:56,706 "I've got a Mii-iii." 345 00:17:56,773 --> 00:17:58,608 It's been done in collaboration 346 00:17:58,675 --> 00:17:59,876 with Cosmopolitan magazine. 347 00:17:59,942 --> 00:18:01,544 "It's aimed at Cosmo Girl," it says. 348 00:18:01,611 --> 00:18:02,845 And, are you ready? 349 00:18:02,912 --> 00:18:04,681 "The headlights have an eyeliner shape." 350 00:18:04,747 --> 00:18:08,117 - No, they don't. - "It's easy to park." 351 00:18:08,184 --> 00:18:09,652 Oh, yeah, cos... 352 00:18:09,719 --> 00:18:11,854 I much prefer a car that's hard to park 353 00:18:11,921 --> 00:18:14,023 because I'm a man. 354 00:18:14,090 --> 00:18:15,658 Can we get something clear here? OK? 355 00:18:15,725 --> 00:18:18,661 This gender-splitting of cars is ridiculous. 356 00:18:18,728 --> 00:18:20,830 It's like saying a woman's airline seat 357 00:18:20,897 --> 00:18:24,066 or a woman's matches or a woman's anything. 358 00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:26,803 "Can I buy a box of women's pencils, please?" 359 00:18:26,869 --> 00:18:30,640 Exactly. The only things I can think of that can be split by gender 360 00:18:30,707 --> 00:18:34,477 - are bicycles, because of the crossbar. - Yeah. 361 00:18:34,544 --> 00:18:37,547 - And underwear. - Sometimes, yeah. 362 00:18:39,782 --> 00:18:42,184 - Overshare? - (MOUTHS) 363 00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:43,620 I said that out... 364 00:18:48,057 --> 00:18:51,428 I left in a hurry. 365 00:18:51,461 --> 00:18:53,596 Honestly, I just can't understand 366 00:18:53,663 --> 00:18:55,432 why people think there's such a thing 367 00:18:55,432 --> 00:18:57,834 - as a woman's car and a man's car. - Ridiculous. 368 00:18:57,900 --> 00:18:59,469 It's not as if you drive cars 369 00:18:59,536 --> 00:19:01,504 with your old chap or your magic triangle. 370 00:19:01,571 --> 00:19:03,640 And there's um... 371 00:19:09,979 --> 00:19:12,815 - Listen... - It's a little graphic. 372 00:19:14,016 --> 00:19:16,352 But a few years ago, Volvo did a concept car, 373 00:19:16,453 --> 00:19:17,687 and they boasted very loudly 374 00:19:17,754 --> 00:19:19,656 that the whole thing had been designed 375 00:19:19,722 --> 00:19:21,624 entirely by women. 376 00:19:21,691 --> 00:19:23,726 And I've got a picture of it. 377 00:19:23,793 --> 00:19:26,162 It's a coupe with gull-wing doors and a massive engine. 378 00:19:26,228 --> 00:19:27,497 It's what everyone would do. 379 00:19:27,564 --> 00:19:29,466 I would definitely have done that. Exactly. 380 00:19:29,499 --> 00:19:30,667 Men and women are exactly the same 381 00:19:30,733 --> 00:19:32,301 when it comes to cars. The end. 382 00:19:32,368 --> 00:19:33,536 - Exactly. - Right. Now... 383 00:19:33,603 --> 00:19:35,071 You know Tesla? 384 00:19:35,137 --> 00:19:38,140 Tesla believes it's pioneering the electric car. 385 00:19:38,207 --> 00:19:40,777 But that ain't so. There was a Scottish company back in the '60s 386 00:19:40,843 --> 00:19:42,512 which made an electric car. 387 00:19:42,579 --> 00:19:45,648 - I've got a picture of it here. - RICHARD: Oh, God! 388 00:19:45,715 --> 00:19:47,216 It's called The Scamp. 389 00:19:47,283 --> 00:19:50,152 It had a top speed of 35mph, 390 00:19:50,219 --> 00:19:51,854 a range of 20 miles. 391 00:19:51,921 --> 00:19:54,323 And I want to make it absolutely plain, 392 00:19:54,390 --> 00:19:56,225 that's Scottish, not British. 393 00:19:56,292 --> 00:19:59,896 It is, yes! Very definitely! 394 00:19:59,962 --> 00:20:02,098 That... that is Scottish. 395 00:20:02,164 --> 00:20:04,266 (APPLAUSE) 396 00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:05,502 We can end the conversation. 397 00:20:05,568 --> 00:20:08,037 Now, all over the world, 398 00:20:08,104 --> 00:20:11,240 people, by and large, buy very boring cars. 399 00:20:11,307 --> 00:20:14,544 I met a man yesterday who'd just spent £8,000 400 00:20:14,611 --> 00:20:15,778 on a five-year-old Ford Focus. 401 00:20:15,845 --> 00:20:17,880 I thought, "Why did you do that? 402 00:20:17,947 --> 00:20:19,549 If you've got £8,000 to spend, 403 00:20:19,616 --> 00:20:21,851 why didn't you buy a used Maserati?" 404 00:20:21,918 --> 00:20:23,986 I think it's because people believe 405 00:20:24,053 --> 00:20:27,957 if you buy the used, exotic Italian car for £8,000 406 00:20:28,024 --> 00:20:29,726 it's going to break down all the time. 407 00:20:29,792 --> 00:20:32,028 Yes, but will it? To find out, 408 00:20:32,094 --> 00:20:34,931 we actually put our own money on the line, 409 00:20:34,997 --> 00:20:38,935 and we each went out and bought a second- hand Maserati. 410 00:20:39,001 --> 00:20:41,971 Yes, and then we decided that cars this glamorous 411 00:20:42,038 --> 00:20:45,675 and this exciting couldn't possibly be tested in Britain. 412 00:20:45,742 --> 00:20:50,613 So we decided to meet up in continental Europe. 413 00:20:56,886 --> 00:21:01,791 This is the race track we selected. 414 00:21:01,858 --> 00:21:04,561 It's just 60 miles from Calais, 415 00:21:04,561 --> 00:21:06,763 and I arrived bright and early. 416 00:21:09,599 --> 00:21:11,768 (DOOR CREAKING) 417 00:21:14,170 --> 00:21:17,173 This...is a Maserati Biturbo. 418 00:21:17,239 --> 00:21:21,911 First car in the world to be fitted with two turbo chargers. 419 00:21:21,978 --> 00:21:25,682 And this particular example is the sought-after S model. 420 00:21:25,748 --> 00:21:29,586 And it's only done 24,000 miles. 421 00:21:29,586 --> 00:21:35,592 And yet despite that, all I paid for it was £7,950. 422 00:21:35,658 --> 00:21:40,029 So you get all this glamour, all this power, 423 00:21:40,096 --> 00:21:43,633 all that badge for less than you'd pay in the UK 424 00:21:43,700 --> 00:21:46,202 for a six-year-old Toyota "Pious". 425 00:21:50,940 --> 00:21:54,877 Why has Richard Hammond arrived in a Ford Cortina? 426 00:21:54,944 --> 00:21:59,982 Wait. It isn't a Ford Cortina, it's another Biturbo! 427 00:22:00,049 --> 00:22:03,219 - No, this is the 430. - It isn't! 428 00:22:03,285 --> 00:22:04,621 - It is! - Biturbo. 429 00:22:04,687 --> 00:22:05,855 This isn't a Biturbo. 430 00:22:05,922 --> 00:22:07,156 - It is! - That's a Biturbo. 431 00:22:07,223 --> 00:22:08,490 Hammond. 432 00:22:08,625 --> 00:22:09,992 I'm sorry to have to tell you this. 433 00:22:10,059 --> 00:22:12,862 But the Ghibli, the Racing, 434 00:22:12,929 --> 00:22:15,865 the Karif, the Shamal, the 222 and the 430, 435 00:22:15,932 --> 00:22:18,635 they were all the same car. They haven't got any money. 436 00:22:18,701 --> 00:22:20,670 They just changed the name badge on the back. 437 00:22:20,737 --> 00:22:22,171 These are the same car. 438 00:22:22,238 --> 00:22:24,674 Yours is very ugly, but it's the same car. 439 00:22:24,741 --> 00:22:26,008 I dispute that. 440 00:22:26,075 --> 00:22:27,910 This is not ugly, this is elegant. 441 00:22:27,977 --> 00:22:29,679 - This is Italian style. - It isn't! 442 00:22:29,746 --> 00:22:32,514 That is a fabulous-looking car. Let's look at this. 443 00:22:32,649 --> 00:22:34,917 What have you got? It's a bit gaudy, mate. 444 00:22:34,984 --> 00:22:37,019 You wanna hear this baby fire up. 445 00:22:37,086 --> 00:22:39,388 (ENGINE WHINES AND SCREAMS) 446 00:22:39,455 --> 00:22:41,457 Get out! Save yourself! 447 00:22:41,523 --> 00:22:44,493 - (REVVING) - Yes! 448 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:45,762 Feel the power of that! 449 00:22:45,828 --> 00:22:47,764 Have you seen all this-- 450 00:22:47,830 --> 00:22:49,766 there's no other word for it-- oil? 451 00:22:49,832 --> 00:22:51,333 Yeah, that... 452 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:52,434 - Yeah. - Yeah. 453 00:22:52,501 --> 00:22:53,803 Happily, 454 00:22:53,870 --> 00:22:55,504 before any more could flood out, 455 00:22:55,571 --> 00:22:57,173 James arrived. 456 00:23:00,109 --> 00:23:05,014 Have you ever seen a more ungainly-looking machine? 457 00:23:05,081 --> 00:23:07,016 What's the matter? Is your door broken? 458 00:23:07,083 --> 00:23:09,886 No, I'm broken. Can you hold the door for me? Thank you. 459 00:23:09,952 --> 00:23:14,991 Behold...the Maserati Zagato Spyder. 460 00:23:15,057 --> 00:23:17,293 - Biturbo, mate. - Zagato Spyder. 461 00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:18,695 All Biturbos. 462 00:23:18,761 --> 00:23:20,697 I think this was designed 463 00:23:20,763 --> 00:23:22,198 when it was owned by Citroen, 464 00:23:22,264 --> 00:23:24,300 which was bankrupt at the time. 465 00:23:24,366 --> 00:23:25,968 Then there was some guy in America 466 00:23:26,035 --> 00:23:27,804 who had a bit of Maserati. 467 00:23:27,870 --> 00:23:29,571 And then the Italian Government, or Fiat, 468 00:23:29,706 --> 00:23:31,473 they all sort of had bits of it. 469 00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:33,976 They ran around going, "We made a new car. Look." 470 00:23:34,043 --> 00:23:36,212 It was exactly the same, it just had a new name. 471 00:23:36,278 --> 00:23:39,281 Excuse me, James. I just want to see just... 472 00:23:39,348 --> 00:23:41,718 Oh, you've got two-tone leather. 473 00:23:41,718 --> 00:23:43,753 But why have you got an automatic? 474 00:23:43,820 --> 00:23:45,822 I've bust my arm. 475 00:23:45,888 --> 00:23:47,790 That's why it took a long time to get out. 476 00:23:47,857 --> 00:23:49,025 Have you really broken your arm? 477 00:23:49,091 --> 00:23:50,492 Which arm have you broken? 478 00:23:50,559 --> 00:23:53,095 (JEREMY LAUGHS) 479 00:23:53,162 --> 00:23:55,331 It has made me murderously bad-tempered 480 00:23:55,397 --> 00:23:57,967 and intolerant of your fatuousness. 481 00:23:58,034 --> 00:23:59,401 Have you seriously broken your arm? 482 00:23:59,468 --> 00:24:00,970 It's fractured quite badly. 483 00:24:01,037 --> 00:24:03,072 - Don't touch it. - How did you break it? 484 00:24:03,139 --> 00:24:05,975 - I fell over. - That's why you got an automatic? 485 00:24:06,042 --> 00:24:08,410 - Yes. - Is that roof electric? 486 00:24:08,477 --> 00:24:10,880 - No. - There's a button on the front. 487 00:24:12,081 --> 00:24:14,751 - Oh, right. So it is manual. - Yes. 488 00:24:14,817 --> 00:24:16,986 Anyway, we must get off. Come on, let's drive on. 489 00:24:17,053 --> 00:24:19,355 Can you put the roof back up for me? 490 00:24:19,421 --> 00:24:21,290 No! I'm not doing that. 491 00:24:23,993 --> 00:24:28,430 We decided first of all to have a drag race, 492 00:24:28,497 --> 00:24:32,501 between our cars and a similarly-priced modern car... 493 00:24:32,568 --> 00:24:34,771 the Suzuki "Celery". 494 00:24:39,341 --> 00:24:40,777 Tense moment. 495 00:24:43,780 --> 00:24:45,815 (TYRES SQUEAL) 496 00:24:49,118 --> 00:24:51,854 Sadly, however, the pit straight was too narrow 497 00:24:51,921 --> 00:24:53,856 for our four cars. 498 00:24:55,524 --> 00:24:57,693 What are you doing? 499 00:24:57,794 --> 00:24:59,829 Hammond, you idiot! 500 00:25:04,066 --> 00:25:06,803 - You crashed into my Maserati! - You crashed into mine! 501 00:25:06,803 --> 00:25:08,670 I've got nowhere to go. There's a barrier there. 502 00:25:08,805 --> 00:25:11,473 There was nowhere for me to go. I was where I was. 503 00:25:12,842 --> 00:25:15,044 So, for the second attempt... 504 00:25:17,013 --> 00:25:20,049 I volunteered to go down the pit lane. 505 00:25:21,884 --> 00:25:23,920 Yes, this is genius! 506 00:25:25,888 --> 00:25:28,224 And that didn't work, either. 507 00:25:28,290 --> 00:25:30,827 Re-emerging on the track. Hammond is there. 508 00:25:30,827 --> 00:25:32,128 What the hell? 509 00:25:32,194 --> 00:25:34,897 Oh, shit! 510 00:25:36,298 --> 00:25:37,834 Oh, my God! 511 00:25:37,867 --> 00:25:41,037 Arg! 512 00:25:41,103 --> 00:25:43,605 Why the hell can't we just do a drag race properly? 513 00:25:43,672 --> 00:25:45,741 It can't be that difficult. 514 00:25:45,842 --> 00:25:49,011 After this latest accident, we decided that, 515 00:25:49,078 --> 00:25:52,614 as Hammond's car had the biggest engine... 516 00:25:52,681 --> 00:25:56,018 he'd represent Maserati's honour on his own. 517 00:25:57,186 --> 00:26:00,456 OK, this is it. I am the elected driver. 518 00:26:01,590 --> 00:26:04,861 The chosen one. The kingpin. 519 00:26:06,728 --> 00:26:08,030 I like that. 520 00:26:12,534 --> 00:26:14,403 Massive amount of bleeping about... 521 00:26:15,504 --> 00:26:18,240 But then... 522 00:26:18,307 --> 00:26:23,279 Finally, it spools up, turbos whizzing away. 523 00:26:26,748 --> 00:26:29,451 And yes! Absolutely creamed it! 524 00:26:29,518 --> 00:26:31,253 (LAUGHS) 525 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:34,223 Yep, they were right to pick me. 526 00:26:34,290 --> 00:26:38,160 And the car, the 430...Maserati. 527 00:26:40,296 --> 00:26:41,964 Now you've established that, as a team, 528 00:26:42,031 --> 00:26:44,600 our twin turbo-charged Maseratis are faster 529 00:26:44,666 --> 00:26:46,936 than a 67-horsepower "Celery", 530 00:26:47,003 --> 00:26:49,505 let's get rid of the little Japanese car 531 00:26:49,571 --> 00:26:52,975 and find out which of our three cars 532 00:26:53,042 --> 00:26:55,244 is the fastest round the track. 533 00:26:55,311 --> 00:26:57,179 We'll be driving Maseratis 534 00:26:57,246 --> 00:26:59,748 on a race track in continental Europe. 535 00:26:59,815 --> 00:27:01,450 Sounds good, doesn't it? 536 00:27:01,517 --> 00:27:04,186 What's the matter with you? Why do you look so miserable? 537 00:27:06,222 --> 00:27:08,224 I've broken my arm. 538 00:27:08,290 --> 00:27:09,825 If we're gonna drive round a track, 539 00:27:09,926 --> 00:27:13,162 can I at least have one of those disabled knob things? 540 00:27:13,229 --> 00:27:15,264 - You know. - On the steering wheel? 541 00:27:15,331 --> 00:27:16,933 Yeah, like a forklift truck has. 542 00:27:16,933 --> 00:27:18,134 Sounds fair enough. 543 00:27:20,502 --> 00:27:22,538 So, whilst our colleague enjoyed 544 00:27:22,604 --> 00:27:24,974 his special breakfast, 545 00:27:25,041 --> 00:27:27,409 Richard and I attached his steering knob. 546 00:27:27,476 --> 00:27:28,644 There you go. 547 00:27:29,979 --> 00:27:32,048 And then we hit the track. 548 00:27:33,749 --> 00:27:35,551 The roots of this car, 549 00:27:35,617 --> 00:27:40,256 they were planted during the 1957 German Grand Prix. 550 00:27:40,322 --> 00:27:43,559 Fangio, at the wheel of his Maserati 250F, 551 00:27:43,625 --> 00:27:50,132 overcame a 48-second deficit in 22 laps to win the race. 552 00:27:50,199 --> 00:27:53,302 He smashed the lap record ten times. 553 00:27:53,369 --> 00:27:57,606 You don't lose a pedigree like that. 554 00:27:57,673 --> 00:28:00,509 Here we go. Feel the tail kick out a little bit. 555 00:28:01,810 --> 00:28:03,812 Or the front go. 556 00:28:03,879 --> 00:28:06,015 There's the back. On the front. 557 00:28:07,716 --> 00:28:09,986 Oh, God. I've got it. 558 00:28:13,155 --> 00:28:16,292 Flying laps in a Maserati. 559 00:28:16,358 --> 00:28:18,995 This is exactly what Stirling Moss did. 560 00:28:25,801 --> 00:28:28,570 Not exactly. Bits of it are. 561 00:28:30,006 --> 00:28:32,008 Meanwhile, in the convertible, 562 00:28:32,074 --> 00:28:35,544 James was very unhappy with his new steering knob. 563 00:28:42,018 --> 00:28:44,220 Oh, God, it's the left-hander. 564 00:28:46,022 --> 00:28:49,158 Bend the knob. 565 00:28:49,225 --> 00:28:51,560 What is the matter with those two? 566 00:28:56,165 --> 00:28:57,333 We're OK. We're in good shape. 567 00:28:59,135 --> 00:29:01,670 - No, we're not! - (TYRES SCREECH) 568 00:29:01,737 --> 00:29:03,705 Despite my lucky-dip handling, 569 00:29:03,772 --> 00:29:06,108 I did eventually catch Hammond. 570 00:29:09,411 --> 00:29:11,280 Take him! Take him on the inside! 571 00:29:11,347 --> 00:29:13,049 Yes! 572 00:29:13,949 --> 00:29:15,351 Yes! 573 00:29:17,553 --> 00:29:18,787 No! 574 00:29:18,854 --> 00:29:20,556 (CHUCKLES) 575 00:29:21,690 --> 00:29:23,159 Arg! 576 00:29:25,061 --> 00:29:27,129 No, I... Oh, God, strewth. 577 00:29:28,764 --> 00:29:31,067 He's going surely now! 578 00:29:31,067 --> 00:29:32,534 Jesus! 579 00:29:35,937 --> 00:29:39,708 It just has too many horsepowers here. Come on! 580 00:29:42,178 --> 00:29:43,445 Oh, shit. 581 00:29:47,449 --> 00:29:49,751 Mr Clarkson is indisposed briefly. 582 00:29:49,818 --> 00:29:53,789 JEREMY: And moments later, so was Mr Hammond. 583 00:29:53,855 --> 00:29:55,591 No, no, no! 584 00:29:56,858 --> 00:29:58,827 Come on! 585 00:29:58,894 --> 00:30:03,465 So, having learned absolutely nothing at all... 586 00:30:03,532 --> 00:30:06,368 we decided to abandon the race track 587 00:30:06,435 --> 00:30:08,970 and embark on a 700-mile cruise 588 00:30:09,037 --> 00:30:11,740 to the south of France. 589 00:30:11,807 --> 00:30:15,277 James was very pleased with this plan. 590 00:30:15,344 --> 00:30:17,379 This is more like it, isn't it? 591 00:30:17,446 --> 00:30:19,047 Not mucking around on a race track, 592 00:30:19,115 --> 00:30:21,250 which is always a bad idea in old cars. 593 00:30:21,317 --> 00:30:23,252 We're going on a proper road trip 594 00:30:23,319 --> 00:30:25,087 to a lovely part of the world 595 00:30:25,154 --> 00:30:28,890 in very, very evocative, exotic cars-- 596 00:30:28,957 --> 00:30:30,359 Maserati! 597 00:30:32,161 --> 00:30:34,930 In the 1970s, Maserati was naming all its cars 598 00:30:34,996 --> 00:30:38,367 after...exotic-sounding warm winds: 599 00:30:38,434 --> 00:30:41,403 Mistral, Khamsin, Bora. 600 00:30:43,539 --> 00:30:46,175 When I was a kid growing up in Doncaster, 601 00:30:46,242 --> 00:30:47,376 I just thought, 602 00:30:47,443 --> 00:30:49,545 "I've no idea what a Mistral is 603 00:30:49,611 --> 00:30:50,812 but I want one!" 604 00:30:52,481 --> 00:30:55,384 Maserati. South of France. 605 00:30:55,451 --> 00:31:00,756 It just sounds right. 606 00:31:00,822 --> 00:31:02,624 However, fairly soon, 607 00:31:02,691 --> 00:31:05,827 reality began to stick its unwelcome nose 608 00:31:05,894 --> 00:31:07,563 into the equation. 609 00:31:07,629 --> 00:31:12,168 You get no heat in here and I can't de-mist at all. 610 00:31:12,168 --> 00:31:14,170 The brakes. 611 00:31:14,170 --> 00:31:15,871 It brakes one wheel very well. 612 00:31:15,937 --> 00:31:19,541 But only one wheel at a time. And you never know which one. 613 00:31:23,212 --> 00:31:25,747 James, are my lights dazzling you? 614 00:31:25,814 --> 00:31:30,686 - Yeah, a bit. - Because they seem to be on main beam, 615 00:31:30,752 --> 00:31:32,188 but I can't dip them. 616 00:31:32,254 --> 00:31:34,656 JAMES: If I put my headlights on full beam, 617 00:31:34,723 --> 00:31:36,458 nobody coming the other way flashes at me. 618 00:31:38,294 --> 00:31:39,828 (RATTLING) 619 00:31:40,962 --> 00:31:42,964 You hear that rattling? 620 00:31:43,031 --> 00:31:44,833 That's the steering wheel. 621 00:31:47,703 --> 00:31:49,205 On top of the mechanical issues, 622 00:31:49,205 --> 00:31:50,539 there was the problem 623 00:31:50,606 --> 00:31:52,341 of James tackling the toll booths 624 00:31:52,408 --> 00:31:54,943 in his right-hand-drive car. 625 00:31:55,010 --> 00:31:56,912 (GROANS) 626 00:32:00,482 --> 00:32:02,251 (GROANS) 627 00:32:03,919 --> 00:32:05,554 (GROANS) 628 00:32:05,621 --> 00:32:08,490 Ahh! Urgh! 629 00:32:08,557 --> 00:32:10,426 We've got 700 miles to go. 630 00:32:10,492 --> 00:32:14,230 It's going to take us for ever at this speed. 631 00:32:15,597 --> 00:32:17,633 JEREMY: And then, to cap it all... 632 00:32:17,699 --> 00:32:21,703 Jeremy, there are sparks coming from under your car. 633 00:32:23,239 --> 00:32:25,241 I think you probably need to stop. 634 00:32:27,809 --> 00:32:29,811 - Oh, look. - Something's on fire. 635 00:32:29,878 --> 00:32:32,581 - Fire! - Right. Might have to piss on it. 636 00:32:32,648 --> 00:32:35,351 - Oh, no! - Go round there! 637 00:32:35,417 --> 00:32:40,489 - (WEEING) - He's going to claim to be an emergency service now. 638 00:32:40,556 --> 00:32:42,391 JEREMY: Annoyingly, our road trip 639 00:32:42,458 --> 00:32:45,727 wasn't proving to be as stylish as we'd hoped. 640 00:32:47,629 --> 00:32:49,265 So, at the next petrol stop, 641 00:32:49,298 --> 00:32:51,333 with James failing to appreciate 642 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:52,801 a present we'd bought for him... 643 00:32:52,868 --> 00:32:54,970 You used to have a good sense of humour. 644 00:32:55,036 --> 00:32:57,606 I do have a good sense of humour when you're being funny. 645 00:32:57,673 --> 00:32:59,875 - Which you are sometimes. - ...I suggested a new idea. 646 00:32:59,941 --> 00:33:01,877 Listen, listen. I've had a thought. 647 00:33:01,943 --> 00:33:03,845 South of France is a long way away. 648 00:33:03,912 --> 00:33:07,649 So why don't we go to the north of France instead? 649 00:33:07,716 --> 00:33:09,751 - Yes! - That is a good idea. 650 00:33:09,818 --> 00:33:12,153 And there's much more to see and do in the north 651 00:33:12,288 --> 00:33:14,556 than there is in the south of France. 652 00:33:14,623 --> 00:33:16,992 What is there to see and do in the north of France? 653 00:33:17,058 --> 00:33:19,995 Well, there's the immigrant camp in Calais. 654 00:33:20,061 --> 00:33:23,699 There's that square where they set fire to a woman. 655 00:33:23,765 --> 00:33:25,434 Yes. 656 00:33:32,608 --> 00:33:35,344 There'll be other stuff. There will be other stuff. 657 00:33:36,312 --> 00:33:38,179 (CHEERING) 658 00:33:38,314 --> 00:33:40,449 OK. Thank you very much. 659 00:33:42,050 --> 00:33:45,354 Thank you so much. Thank you. 660 00:33:45,421 --> 00:33:47,022 We'll pick that up later on, 661 00:33:47,088 --> 00:33:51,026 but now it's time to play Celebrity Brain Crash! 662 00:33:51,092 --> 00:33:53,329 (CHEERING) 663 00:33:59,368 --> 00:34:02,170 - Yeah, it's still terrible. - Awful! 664 00:34:02,338 --> 00:34:05,874 OK, now what can we say about our guest this week? 665 00:34:05,941 --> 00:34:10,346 He's Scottish, but he won a gold medal at the Olympics. 666 00:34:10,379 --> 00:34:11,980 So of course he's British. 667 00:34:12,047 --> 00:34:13,482 (LAUGHTER) 668 00:34:13,549 --> 00:34:15,484 He started out in cycling, 669 00:34:15,551 --> 00:34:17,653 then very wisely took up motor racing. 670 00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:19,955 He actually competed at Le Mans. 671 00:34:20,021 --> 00:34:21,590 But today he's in a boat. 672 00:34:21,657 --> 00:34:23,959 Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Chris Hoy! 673 00:34:24,025 --> 00:34:25,794 (CHEERING) 674 00:34:25,861 --> 00:34:27,529 There he is! 675 00:34:28,497 --> 00:34:30,532 There he is. 676 00:34:30,599 --> 00:34:32,368 He's gonna be all right. 677 00:34:32,368 --> 00:34:34,703 He's rowing it the wrong way round. 678 00:34:34,770 --> 00:34:38,374 The great thing is, everyone, the great thing is... 679 00:34:38,374 --> 00:34:44,613 that Loch Ness is a peaceful, inland lake with no hazards at all. 680 00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:48,417 We may finally get a guest to the studio. 681 00:34:48,484 --> 00:34:50,586 Yeah, that would be great. Get him in unharmed. 682 00:34:50,652 --> 00:34:52,688 - Come on, Sir Hoy! - Come on. 683 00:34:52,754 --> 00:34:54,990 - Come on, you can do it! - (EXPLOSION) - Oh, my... 684 00:34:55,056 --> 00:34:57,058 (AUDIENCE GASPS) 685 00:34:58,894 --> 00:35:00,896 (APPLAUSE) 686 00:35:04,700 --> 00:35:07,503 What happened? How...? What...? 687 00:35:08,470 --> 00:35:11,172 Ladies and gentlemen... 688 00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:15,811 you've just applauded the tragic death of Sir Hoy. 689 00:35:15,877 --> 00:35:16,978 Um... 690 00:35:17,045 --> 00:35:20,849 No idea. I think he must have hit a mine. 691 00:35:20,916 --> 00:35:22,984 And there was a terrific explosion, 692 00:35:23,051 --> 00:35:24,019 you may have seen it. 693 00:35:24,085 --> 00:35:25,521 And he's now... 694 00:35:25,587 --> 00:35:26,822 Well, he's gone, hasn't he? 695 00:35:28,590 --> 00:35:31,259 Does that mean he's not coming on, then? 696 00:35:31,326 --> 00:35:33,294 Well, James, he's exploded 697 00:35:33,429 --> 00:35:35,931 and been reduced to chops and offal. 698 00:35:35,997 --> 00:35:38,600 So that is a no. 699 00:35:38,667 --> 00:35:40,602 It's OK. I've got a backup plan. 700 00:35:40,669 --> 00:35:43,171 You know voice activation systems in cars? 701 00:35:43,238 --> 00:35:44,540 They don't really work, 702 00:35:44,606 --> 00:35:46,675 particularly they don't work in Scotland. 703 00:35:46,742 --> 00:35:49,210 As we shall now demonstrate with a short clip 704 00:35:49,277 --> 00:35:54,650 of a man trying to pair his telephone with his Vauxhall. 705 00:35:54,716 --> 00:35:58,920 MAN: Pair. VOICE SYSTEM: You can say "pair". 706 00:35:58,987 --> 00:36:04,259 Select device. For feedback, help or cancel... 707 00:36:04,325 --> 00:36:06,361 Pair. 708 00:36:06,462 --> 00:36:08,129 You can say "pair". 709 00:36:08,196 --> 00:36:10,231 I just (BLEEP) said pair! 710 00:36:10,298 --> 00:36:12,333 ...or cancel. 711 00:36:12,468 --> 00:36:14,470 Pair! 712 00:36:14,503 --> 00:36:17,473 You can say "pair". Select device. 713 00:36:17,539 --> 00:36:20,476 For feedback, help or cancel... 714 00:36:20,542 --> 00:36:23,745 (EXAGGERATED) Pa-a-a-ir. 715 00:36:24,980 --> 00:36:26,081 Pardon. 716 00:36:28,049 --> 00:36:30,619 What I really love about this guy 717 00:36:30,686 --> 00:36:33,855 is how long he perseveres for. 718 00:36:33,922 --> 00:36:35,023 Watch this. 719 00:36:35,090 --> 00:36:38,126 Pa-a-a-a-ir. 720 00:36:38,193 --> 00:36:40,496 Do you want to add or delete a device? 721 00:36:40,529 --> 00:36:43,331 - Yes! Add a device. - Pardon? 722 00:36:43,398 --> 00:36:45,366 Add a device. 723 00:36:45,501 --> 00:36:48,069 Using the pair function and the external device... 724 00:36:48,136 --> 00:36:50,138 Yah! 725 00:36:55,310 --> 00:36:58,113 He was brilliant. Anyway... 726 00:36:58,179 --> 00:37:00,516 That is the problem. That is the problem, 727 00:37:00,582 --> 00:37:03,852 but, Hammond, I have a solution. OK? 728 00:37:03,919 --> 00:37:06,154 No, don't scoff. Don't scoff. 729 00:37:06,221 --> 00:37:08,790 This is a system that is cheap, 730 00:37:08,857 --> 00:37:10,826 works anywhere in the world, 731 00:37:10,892 --> 00:37:12,761 and you can fit it to any car, 732 00:37:12,828 --> 00:37:14,996 no matter how old it is. 733 00:37:15,063 --> 00:37:19,167 Let me show you how it works, OK? Step in. 734 00:37:19,234 --> 00:37:21,369 Ready? Voice activation. 735 00:37:21,436 --> 00:37:23,539 Engage wipers. 736 00:37:26,542 --> 00:37:28,577 It's just a man! 737 00:37:28,644 --> 00:37:30,145 It's Gavril from Bulgaria. 738 00:37:30,211 --> 00:37:33,549 He can do anything. Right, select drive. 739 00:37:34,550 --> 00:37:37,619 There you go. Call Bell-end. 740 00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:41,957 Now, he picks up the phone, he does all the dialling. 741 00:37:42,023 --> 00:37:44,059 My hands are on the wheel, I'm safe. 742 00:37:44,125 --> 00:37:46,795 He holds it next to my ear so it's hands-free. 743 00:37:46,862 --> 00:37:48,564 - (MOBILE RINGS) - Who's Bell-end? 744 00:37:52,568 --> 00:37:54,603 - What? - I don't want to talk to you. 745 00:37:54,670 --> 00:37:57,005 End call! 746 00:37:57,072 --> 00:37:59,174 All right, then. 747 00:37:59,240 --> 00:38:01,276 Punch driver. 748 00:38:01,342 --> 00:38:03,244 Punch... It doesn't work. 749 00:38:03,311 --> 00:38:06,081 He won't respond to you, only me. That's the genius. 750 00:38:06,147 --> 00:38:08,449 And it gets better. Get out, OK. 751 00:38:08,584 --> 00:38:10,251 He locks the doors. 752 00:38:10,318 --> 00:38:12,921 And then he opens them when I get back 753 00:38:12,988 --> 00:38:14,956 so I don't have to have any keys with me, 754 00:38:15,023 --> 00:38:17,926 which would spoil the line of my jean trouser. 755 00:38:19,394 --> 00:38:20,862 Let me just re-cap this, OK. 756 00:38:20,929 --> 00:38:23,164 So in Whitby you turned a Romanian man 757 00:38:23,231 --> 00:38:25,133 - into a self-driving car. - Yes, I did. 758 00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:27,235 You turned me into a parking sensor. 759 00:38:27,302 --> 00:38:30,171 And now you've turned a Bulgarian man into a voice-control system. 760 00:38:30,238 --> 00:38:33,842 - Yes. - There's a theme establishing itself here, 761 00:38:33,909 --> 00:38:37,646 with your inventions, and it is that you're a moron. 762 00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:40,782 A-ha. OK. Watch this. 763 00:38:40,849 --> 00:38:43,051 You know, in a modern BMW 7 Series, 764 00:38:43,118 --> 00:38:45,220 you have back seats that massage you 765 00:38:45,286 --> 00:38:47,689 - as you drive along, yeah? - Yes. 766 00:38:49,925 --> 00:38:52,060 What I've done in here... is just genius. 767 00:38:52,127 --> 00:38:55,897 I have scooped out the middle of that back seat, OK? 768 00:38:55,964 --> 00:38:58,099 And then you can fit it with a Dwan Fen. 769 00:38:58,166 --> 00:39:00,068 - What's a Dwan Fen? - She's here. 770 00:39:00,135 --> 00:39:03,338 - She's from Thailand. - (LAUGHTER) 771 00:39:04,806 --> 00:39:06,942 I don't know why people are laughing at this. 772 00:39:07,008 --> 00:39:10,078 She now blends perfectly with the seat, OK? 773 00:39:10,145 --> 00:39:12,180 She is the seat. 774 00:39:12,247 --> 00:39:14,282 So I step in...like so. 775 00:39:16,417 --> 00:39:19,921 And then...I get a massage as I drive along. 776 00:39:19,988 --> 00:39:21,823 Ooh! 777 00:39:21,890 --> 00:39:25,526 James, James...he's sitting on a Thai woman now. 778 00:39:25,661 --> 00:39:27,896 I know. Come back over here, and we'll move it on. 779 00:39:27,963 --> 00:39:29,965 We'll go back to the Maserati film. 780 00:39:30,031 --> 00:39:31,667 Now, so far we have established 781 00:39:31,700 --> 00:39:33,301 that I've broken my arm, 782 00:39:33,368 --> 00:39:36,672 but that the cars are working really rather well. 783 00:39:36,672 --> 00:39:38,273 Yes! And we rejoin the action 784 00:39:38,339 --> 00:39:40,208 after a night in a town called Deauville, 785 00:39:40,275 --> 00:39:43,444 where Jeremy had, for reasons known only to himself, 786 00:39:43,511 --> 00:39:45,246 decided to re-enact 787 00:39:45,313 --> 00:39:50,686 the famous VW Golf advert from the '80s. 788 00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:54,555 JEREMY: This is the man who put a million on black 789 00:39:54,690 --> 00:39:56,224 and it came up red. 790 00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:02,197 This is the man who married a sex kitten, 791 00:40:02,263 --> 00:40:05,200 just as she turned into a cat. 792 00:40:07,268 --> 00:40:10,739 This is the man who moved into gold, 793 00:40:10,806 --> 00:40:13,408 just as the clever money moved out. 794 00:40:18,179 --> 00:40:23,752 This is the man who drives a Maserati. 795 00:40:24,753 --> 00:40:26,922 (ENGINE FAILS TO START) 796 00:40:28,857 --> 00:40:31,059 (ENGINE FAILS TO START) 797 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:35,731 Start, you vicious bastard! 798 00:40:35,797 --> 00:40:40,501 Of course, being a Maserati, it did eventually begin. 799 00:40:40,568 --> 00:40:45,206 So we then fitted James's wheel with a new knob... 800 00:40:45,273 --> 00:40:48,076 and decided to go and play on the beach. 801 00:40:57,085 --> 00:40:58,219 Ha-ha! 802 00:41:08,463 --> 00:41:09,965 You really would have trouble doing this 803 00:41:10,031 --> 00:41:12,067 on a beach in the south of France 804 00:41:12,133 --> 00:41:15,003 because the whole thing would be covered 805 00:41:15,070 --> 00:41:18,774 in people turning their plastic surgery brown. 806 00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:21,977 Ow-ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow-ow-ow. 807 00:41:24,245 --> 00:41:26,281 In the sea! 808 00:41:26,347 --> 00:41:28,349 Whoa! 809 00:41:30,886 --> 00:41:33,254 You can take a Maserati in the sea... 810 00:41:34,923 --> 00:41:38,126 because the rust-proofing is so good. 811 00:41:38,193 --> 00:41:41,162 After that, we enjoyed a picturesque walk 812 00:41:41,229 --> 00:41:43,264 and a philosophical debate. 813 00:41:43,331 --> 00:41:46,301 JEREMY: Is there anything on earth which is worse 814 00:41:46,367 --> 00:41:49,304 than having another man put sun cream on your back? 815 00:41:49,370 --> 00:41:50,806 JAMES: I've never experienced that. 816 00:41:50,872 --> 00:41:53,674 And then we played some sport. 817 00:41:53,809 --> 00:41:55,410 Penalty shoot-out 818 00:41:55,476 --> 00:41:58,346 in Maseratis on a beach in northern France. 819 00:42:01,883 --> 00:42:03,518 (POP) 820 00:42:09,057 --> 00:42:10,491 With our ball gone, 821 00:42:10,558 --> 00:42:12,393 we continued on our tour of Normandy, 822 00:42:12,460 --> 00:42:17,465 with our badly-built colleague moaning constantly. 823 00:42:17,532 --> 00:42:19,467 (JAMES GROANS) 824 00:42:19,534 --> 00:42:21,536 Has he been swapped for an old lady? 825 00:42:21,602 --> 00:42:23,839 JEREMY: He's always been an old lady. 826 00:42:23,905 --> 00:42:25,974 He was born an old lady! 827 00:42:26,041 --> 00:42:28,243 "Congratulations, Mrs May. It's an old lady!" 828 00:42:31,679 --> 00:42:36,251 As darkness fell, we reached the ancient town of Honfleur, 829 00:42:36,317 --> 00:42:38,286 where we decided to spend the night. 830 00:42:38,353 --> 00:42:40,989 Unfortunately, to reach our hotel, 831 00:42:41,056 --> 00:42:43,124 we had to navigate through a maze 832 00:42:43,191 --> 00:42:45,861 of tiny, medieval streets. 833 00:42:49,064 --> 00:42:51,699 JEREMY: Pardon. Sorry. 834 00:42:51,766 --> 00:42:54,870 RICHARD: This is narrow. Isn't it narrow? 835 00:42:57,538 --> 00:42:59,140 No. 836 00:43:02,878 --> 00:43:06,247 How did people manage in this town in the olden days 837 00:43:06,314 --> 00:43:08,884 when nobody had power steering? 838 00:43:09,918 --> 00:43:11,152 Oh, no. 839 00:43:12,687 --> 00:43:14,890 I do that how? 840 00:43:18,126 --> 00:43:20,328 - (CRUNCH) - Oh, my God. 841 00:43:21,529 --> 00:43:23,298 I'm totally stuck. 842 00:43:26,968 --> 00:43:29,437 Ow, ow, ow, ow. Cobbles. 843 00:43:34,075 --> 00:43:36,211 God almighty. 844 00:43:37,946 --> 00:43:39,981 I'm not sure that's possible. 845 00:43:48,489 --> 00:43:50,825 Oh, for... Is that...? 846 00:43:50,926 --> 00:43:52,627 You're in the way. 847 00:43:52,693 --> 00:43:54,930 It's a one-way street my way. 848 00:43:54,996 --> 00:43:56,231 It's a one-way street, yes. 849 00:43:56,297 --> 00:43:58,466 That's why me and the other cars 850 00:43:58,533 --> 00:44:00,335 are all coming this way. 851 00:44:00,401 --> 00:44:03,638 Please don't make me back up with this steering. 852 00:44:03,704 --> 00:44:06,674 Come on, it's a workout. 853 00:44:06,741 --> 00:44:08,476 Hammond, I am gonna kill you. 854 00:44:08,543 --> 00:44:11,079 - (HORN BEEPS) - Moment, s'il vous plaît. 855 00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:14,682 Mon ami... 856 00:44:14,749 --> 00:44:18,719 Il a conduit-ay son voiture 857 00:44:18,786 --> 00:44:20,088 comme la gorilla. 858 00:44:23,724 --> 00:44:26,962 Vous devrez...le jambon 859 00:44:27,028 --> 00:44:29,130 prenez la rue à gauche 860 00:44:29,197 --> 00:44:33,568 et nous sommes les champignons! 861 00:44:33,634 --> 00:44:37,472 With Jeremy out of the way, I could move on. 862 00:44:37,538 --> 00:44:39,374 But then... 863 00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:42,577 JAMES: Hammond, is that you with yellow lights coming up here? 864 00:44:42,643 --> 00:44:45,613 - Oh, my God. - That's a bit of bad luck. 865 00:44:45,680 --> 00:44:47,815 You're going to have to reverse up there, aren't you? 866 00:44:47,882 --> 00:44:50,751 I can't back up because it's preposterously narrow 867 00:44:50,818 --> 00:44:53,521 and I can't swivel my head round to look behind me. 868 00:44:53,588 --> 00:44:54,655 So now what? 869 00:44:54,722 --> 00:44:56,191 Well, I'm going the right way 870 00:44:56,257 --> 00:44:57,658 down the one-way street, 871 00:44:57,725 --> 00:44:59,327 so I have right of way. 872 00:44:59,394 --> 00:45:01,029 Urgh! 873 00:45:01,096 --> 00:45:04,099 Sorry, Hammond, you'll have to direct me a bit. 874 00:45:04,165 --> 00:45:07,302 - Right a bit. - My right or your right? 875 00:45:07,368 --> 00:45:08,836 Well, my right. Which is your left 876 00:45:08,903 --> 00:45:11,239 but you're steering in reverse. 877 00:45:11,306 --> 00:45:13,008 Hold it there and I'll go left. 878 00:45:13,041 --> 00:45:14,409 Your left or my left? 879 00:45:14,475 --> 00:45:16,544 Your right, my left as I'm looking. 880 00:45:16,611 --> 00:45:21,016 And your right as you're looking, i.e. your right. 881 00:45:21,049 --> 00:45:22,783 JEREMY: I had found the hotel, 882 00:45:22,850 --> 00:45:25,453 but clearly my colleagues were going to be a while. 883 00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:28,023 JAMES: When you say my left, do you mean my left 884 00:45:28,056 --> 00:45:29,724 if I'm facing the way I'm going 885 00:45:29,790 --> 00:45:31,226 or facing the way I'm facing? 886 00:45:31,292 --> 00:45:32,693 RICHARD: Good point. 887 00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:35,896 Your left is still my right. 888 00:45:36,031 --> 00:45:39,767 But you're going backwards. Just drive backwards! 889 00:45:39,834 --> 00:45:42,137 I'm going to the hotel now but I'll leave this on 890 00:45:42,203 --> 00:45:44,872 so you can stay in tune with what they're doing. 891 00:45:44,939 --> 00:45:46,907 JAMES: I don't believe I've come the wrong way 892 00:45:47,042 --> 00:45:49,077 down a one-way street. I know. 893 00:45:49,144 --> 00:45:52,047 RICHARD: Are you making your situation better or worse? 894 00:45:52,113 --> 00:45:55,183 Better? Worse? Better? Worse? 895 00:45:55,250 --> 00:45:59,054 - (BELL CHIMES) - When Richard and James did finally join me, 896 00:45:59,054 --> 00:46:00,488 we reflected over dinner 897 00:46:00,555 --> 00:46:03,458 about our time in the north of France. 898 00:46:03,524 --> 00:46:06,294 It's been just a tremendous journey. 899 00:46:06,361 --> 00:46:08,929 We've had three Maseratis out here for three days 900 00:46:09,064 --> 00:46:11,632 and we've only had one minor fire. 901 00:46:11,699 --> 00:46:14,869 Can I just say, and I'm being absolutely honest here, 902 00:46:14,935 --> 00:46:16,304 I love my Maserati. 903 00:46:16,371 --> 00:46:18,773 - I've totally fallen for it. - Yes. 904 00:46:18,839 --> 00:46:20,875 I really like mine. 905 00:46:20,941 --> 00:46:22,377 No car makes a better noise. 906 00:46:22,443 --> 00:46:24,479 No two-litre car makes a better noise than that. 907 00:46:24,545 --> 00:46:26,547 I love it more now than when I started. 908 00:46:26,614 --> 00:46:28,383 I definitely want to keep mine. 909 00:46:28,449 --> 00:46:31,286 I want to know what it's like to drive with two arms. 910 00:46:31,352 --> 00:46:33,388 Because we all loved our cars so much, 911 00:46:33,454 --> 00:46:35,890 I decided we should end our road trip 912 00:46:35,956 --> 00:46:38,293 with a spicy climax. 913 00:46:38,359 --> 00:46:41,529 Why don't we race back to England, OK? 914 00:46:41,596 --> 00:46:44,532 First thing in the morning. Last one back there... 915 00:46:45,666 --> 00:46:47,368 has to sell their car. 916 00:46:47,435 --> 00:46:49,570 - Ooh, that's cruel. - That's harsh. 917 00:46:49,637 --> 00:46:53,374 It's not entirely fair on me, is it? 918 00:46:54,509 --> 00:46:55,610 Hello. Why not? 919 00:46:55,676 --> 00:46:58,113 You chose to come equipped with one arm. 920 00:46:58,113 --> 00:46:59,514 It's your issue, not ours. 921 00:46:59,580 --> 00:47:02,617 So we set off from here, all at the same time. 922 00:47:02,683 --> 00:47:06,221 Any route you like. Last one... 923 00:47:07,122 --> 00:47:09,157 back on English soil, 924 00:47:09,224 --> 00:47:10,491 has to sell their car. 925 00:47:10,558 --> 00:47:12,293 I'm up for it. I'll risk it 926 00:47:12,360 --> 00:47:14,362 cos that'll make the trip home exciting. 927 00:47:14,429 --> 00:47:16,264 I'll do it. Last one home... 928 00:47:23,304 --> 00:47:25,140 As dawn broke, 929 00:47:25,173 --> 00:47:27,142 we lined up outside the hotel, 930 00:47:27,208 --> 00:47:29,144 ready for the off. 931 00:47:29,210 --> 00:47:31,045 JEREMY: Gentlemen, it's ten to four in the morning. 932 00:47:31,146 --> 00:47:32,913 Let's do this. 933 00:47:32,980 --> 00:47:35,550 In three, two, one... Begin! 934 00:47:35,616 --> 00:47:38,253 (JEREMY'S ENGINE FAILS TO START) 935 00:47:38,319 --> 00:47:40,288 (HORN TOOTS) 936 00:47:40,355 --> 00:47:43,358 (ENGINE FINALLY STARTS THEN STALLS) 937 00:47:44,459 --> 00:47:46,261 Blast! 938 00:47:46,327 --> 00:47:47,762 - (ENGINE STARTS) - Come on! 939 00:47:51,432 --> 00:47:53,534 No! No! 940 00:47:53,601 --> 00:47:55,770 At all costs, I am winning this. 941 00:47:58,473 --> 00:48:00,708 - (GROANS) - (FROG SQUEAKS) 942 00:48:00,775 --> 00:48:04,712 This is typical. Typical of Italian cars. 943 00:48:04,779 --> 00:48:07,182 They wait until you really need them, 944 00:48:07,248 --> 00:48:10,185 and then they go wrong. 945 00:48:10,218 --> 00:48:12,187 "Oh, darling, darling, I'm in labour! Quickly!" 946 00:48:12,253 --> 00:48:14,455 "Yes, I'm on my way in my Maserati." 947 00:48:14,522 --> 00:48:16,291 (CROAKS) 948 00:48:18,326 --> 00:48:20,528 Right. Up here. 949 00:48:21,729 --> 00:48:24,465 Some of this is familiar, which is bad. 950 00:48:25,833 --> 00:48:28,869 Oh, no, not lost now. 951 00:48:28,936 --> 00:48:31,839 JEREMY: Once again, I'd managed to coax my car 952 00:48:31,906 --> 00:48:33,308 into some kind of life 953 00:48:33,374 --> 00:48:35,109 and I was on my way. 954 00:48:35,210 --> 00:48:37,378 So, straight out of town. 955 00:48:39,214 --> 00:48:43,451 - (DEEP RATTLING) - Sounding healthy. 956 00:48:43,518 --> 00:48:45,753 With a top speed of about 12, 957 00:48:45,820 --> 00:48:48,356 I was headed for the ferry port of Le Havre. 958 00:48:48,423 --> 00:48:50,024 The trouble is that logically, 959 00:48:50,090 --> 00:48:52,860 the others would be doing the same thing. 960 00:48:55,263 --> 00:48:59,600 Car, clear your throat, please. 961 00:49:01,902 --> 00:49:03,838 I'm out! 962 00:49:03,904 --> 00:49:05,706 Right, England, here I come. 963 00:49:08,509 --> 00:49:11,246 Clear your throat, car! Clear it! 964 00:49:11,312 --> 00:49:12,980 Or we shall be last. 965 00:49:13,047 --> 00:49:15,816 And then I shall have to sell you, and not to someone nice. 966 00:49:17,852 --> 00:49:19,854 You know that man who has sex with his cars 967 00:49:19,920 --> 00:49:22,357 and then puts pictures of it on the internet? 968 00:49:22,423 --> 00:49:24,158 I'm going to sell you to him 969 00:49:24,259 --> 00:49:27,628 unless you get going. Now, come on! 970 00:49:27,695 --> 00:49:30,331 - Hang on a minute. - No! 971 00:49:30,398 --> 00:49:32,367 No, no, no, no! 972 00:49:37,305 --> 00:49:38,539 Big road. Yes! 973 00:49:41,276 --> 00:49:42,610 RICHARD: James, meanwhile, 974 00:49:42,677 --> 00:49:44,379 was dawdling along at the back. 975 00:49:44,445 --> 00:49:49,049 Yet he seemed strangely unconcerned about this. 976 00:49:49,116 --> 00:49:51,986 On the face of it, viewers, this isn't much of a race, 977 00:49:52,052 --> 00:49:54,455 because I've got the slowest car, we know that. 978 00:49:54,522 --> 00:49:56,691 I only have the use of one arm 979 00:49:56,757 --> 00:49:57,992 and I'm steering 980 00:49:58,058 --> 00:50:01,329 with a squeaky frog bolted to the wheel. 981 00:50:01,396 --> 00:50:03,998 However, it's not that simple. 982 00:50:04,064 --> 00:50:07,034 - (SQUEAK) - In fact, 983 00:50:07,101 --> 00:50:09,236 I believe I will be first. 984 00:50:09,304 --> 00:50:12,407 Because he who is last shall be first. 985 00:50:12,473 --> 00:50:14,575 As we know. 986 00:50:18,045 --> 00:50:20,080 Coming up now to the motorway. 987 00:50:20,147 --> 00:50:22,350 (EXHAUST SPLUTTERS) 988 00:50:24,051 --> 00:50:25,986 Come on, car. Please! 989 00:50:29,724 --> 00:50:31,759 It's made it up the slip road. 990 00:50:31,826 --> 00:50:34,862 Have you ever known a car with more spirit 991 00:50:34,929 --> 00:50:37,632 than this magnificent Maserati? 992 00:50:37,698 --> 00:50:41,436 However, the gradient on the slip road was nothing 993 00:50:41,502 --> 00:50:43,571 compared to what lay ahead. 994 00:50:48,909 --> 00:50:50,511 Oh, my giddy aunt. 995 00:50:54,214 --> 00:50:56,517 Port, where is it? 996 00:50:56,584 --> 00:50:58,853 If I get there first, I've got to wait for the ferry. 997 00:50:58,919 --> 00:51:01,021 They could catch up, but I'll be ahead in the queue. 998 00:51:01,088 --> 00:51:04,158 Whoever gets on the boat first gets off the boat first, 999 00:51:04,224 --> 00:51:05,493 and you can't change that. 1000 00:51:05,560 --> 00:51:08,028 First on the boat is first off the boat. 1001 00:51:08,095 --> 00:51:09,063 They win. 1002 00:51:17,605 --> 00:51:19,139 (EXHAUST SPLUTTERS) 1003 00:51:19,206 --> 00:51:20,575 Right, calm, Jeremy, calm. 1004 00:51:20,641 --> 00:51:22,610 You're on a motorway. 1005 00:51:22,677 --> 00:51:24,445 On an enormous bridge, 1006 00:51:24,512 --> 00:51:26,381 surrounded by many heavy lorries. 1007 00:51:27,548 --> 00:51:29,584 (EXHAUST SPLUTTERS) 1008 00:51:29,650 --> 00:51:31,619 - (BANG) - Oh, no. 1009 00:51:31,686 --> 00:51:34,054 I can hear the exhaust spluttering. 1010 00:51:34,121 --> 00:51:37,592 Smoke. A lot of smoke now. 1011 00:51:40,194 --> 00:51:43,398 Please! Please work! 1012 00:51:44,965 --> 00:51:48,403 Mercifully, I reach the top of the bridge. 1013 00:51:48,403 --> 00:51:50,938 But then... 1014 00:51:51,005 --> 00:51:52,940 (SPLUTTERS AND STALLS) 1015 00:51:54,308 --> 00:51:55,610 It's dead. 1016 00:51:55,676 --> 00:51:58,546 Shit, I've lost braking. I have lost braking. 1017 00:51:58,613 --> 00:52:01,616 Bloody hell. Handbrake not working, either. 1018 00:52:01,682 --> 00:52:04,151 I've lost all brakes. 1019 00:52:04,218 --> 00:52:06,454 There was only one thing for it. 1020 00:52:11,125 --> 00:52:12,660 I have no brakes! 1021 00:52:12,727 --> 00:52:14,161 You've just hit our car! 1022 00:52:14,228 --> 00:52:15,463 I haven't got any brakes! 1023 00:52:15,530 --> 00:52:17,097 They're not pleased 1024 00:52:17,164 --> 00:52:19,867 about being used as a brake. 1025 00:52:19,934 --> 00:52:21,301 This is totally illegal, by the way, 1026 00:52:21,436 --> 00:52:22,437 on a French motorway. 1027 00:52:22,437 --> 00:52:24,505 Right, so I've no brakes 1028 00:52:24,572 --> 00:52:25,940 and no engine. 1029 00:52:31,546 --> 00:52:33,681 Think, Jeremy, think. 1030 00:52:36,250 --> 00:52:38,886 Port. Yes, hello. 1031 00:52:38,953 --> 00:52:41,355 Unaware of Jeremy's problems, 1032 00:52:41,456 --> 00:52:43,758 I was keeping the hammer down. 1033 00:52:45,560 --> 00:52:47,027 Holiday-makers! 1034 00:52:47,094 --> 00:52:49,897 I hate holiday-makers! 1035 00:52:49,964 --> 00:52:51,466 (HORN BLARES) 1036 00:52:52,332 --> 00:52:54,635 Trucks. 1037 00:52:54,702 --> 00:52:57,838 I'm going to get caught up with all the trucks. 1038 00:52:57,905 --> 00:53:01,075 Meanwhile, back in the land of Captain Cryptic... 1039 00:53:01,141 --> 00:53:03,110 (JAMES HUMS TO HIMSELF) 1040 00:53:06,847 --> 00:53:08,483 Do you know, I'm so relaxed about this, 1041 00:53:08,549 --> 00:53:09,817 I think, in a short while, 1042 00:53:09,884 --> 00:53:12,119 I might stop for a pleasant coffee 1043 00:53:12,186 --> 00:53:14,755 and a read of the newspaper. 1044 00:53:17,525 --> 00:53:19,560 Not got time for you, mate. I'm sorry. 1045 00:53:19,627 --> 00:53:21,729 Car! Car! 1046 00:53:24,231 --> 00:53:26,200 Oh, God. Another roundabout. 1047 00:53:26,266 --> 00:53:28,603 It's like I'm in the middle of bloody town. 1048 00:53:30,871 --> 00:53:32,907 I need to find my own route. 1049 00:53:32,973 --> 00:53:35,075 There must be sneaky ways through. 1050 00:53:41,849 --> 00:53:43,551 This could be good. This could be good. 1051 00:53:52,292 --> 00:53:53,894 Down there. 1052 00:53:53,961 --> 00:53:55,630 Oh! 1053 00:53:56,964 --> 00:53:57,832 Dead end. 1054 00:53:57,898 --> 00:54:00,100 Not that way. Bloody hell. 1055 00:54:16,250 --> 00:54:20,054 My shortcut wasn't going well. 1056 00:54:24,158 --> 00:54:26,961 Where are they and more importantly where am I? 1057 00:54:30,097 --> 00:54:34,234 This was a mistake. This is making things worse. 1058 00:54:34,301 --> 00:54:36,303 It's just costing time. 1059 00:54:36,370 --> 00:54:38,272 And, as it turned out, 1060 00:54:38,338 --> 00:54:41,475 time was something I didn't have. 1061 00:54:41,576 --> 00:54:44,211 I am now down to one turbo charger, 1062 00:54:44,278 --> 00:54:45,713 but I'm back in the race. 1063 00:54:49,584 --> 00:54:55,389 Yes, I'm at the wheel of a Renault DCI 120 tow truck. 1064 00:54:55,455 --> 00:54:56,957 And what's more, I've decided 1065 00:54:57,024 --> 00:54:59,727 to head for the port as the crow flies. 1066 00:55:02,863 --> 00:55:04,865 Oh, yes! 1067 00:55:09,336 --> 00:55:11,606 Oh, God, no! 1068 00:55:13,741 --> 00:55:15,943 This looks good. 1069 00:55:17,612 --> 00:55:19,279 Yes. Ferry terminal. 1070 00:55:20,414 --> 00:55:21,816 This is all correct. 1071 00:55:26,420 --> 00:55:27,622 That is Jeremy! 1072 00:55:27,655 --> 00:55:28,689 There's Hammond! 1073 00:55:28,756 --> 00:55:30,424 What is he doing? 1074 00:55:30,490 --> 00:55:32,660 Kill him! 1075 00:55:34,629 --> 00:55:36,631 I have to win. I have to win. 1076 00:55:38,132 --> 00:55:41,201 A roundabout. Oh, bloody hell. Really? 1077 00:55:45,039 --> 00:55:48,442 The problem was that the port of Le Havre is so vast 1078 00:55:48,508 --> 00:55:51,946 and so complex, it was very easy to get lost. 1079 00:55:52,012 --> 00:55:55,115 This was still anyone's race. 1080 00:55:59,920 --> 00:56:01,722 Where is Hammond? Where is May? 1081 00:56:01,789 --> 00:56:03,057 Where is the boat? 1082 00:56:04,792 --> 00:56:06,961 Come on, come on, come on. 1083 00:56:07,027 --> 00:56:08,528 (SQUEAK) 1084 00:56:08,663 --> 00:56:10,798 (HUMS) 1085 00:56:18,138 --> 00:56:20,374 This is wrong. This is wrong. 1086 00:56:27,982 --> 00:56:29,316 It's got to be down here. 1087 00:56:29,383 --> 00:56:31,318 Yes! 1088 00:56:33,988 --> 00:56:37,825 Did I have some carpet stuck under the throttle? 1089 00:56:37,892 --> 00:56:41,195 Cos my DCI 120's going like a bastard! 1090 00:56:48,202 --> 00:56:51,405 Yes! This looks good. This is the place. 1091 00:56:55,810 --> 00:56:58,946 Good van. Good van. The boat is there. 1092 00:56:59,013 --> 00:57:02,249 There is Richard Hammond. Is James May here? 1093 00:57:03,718 --> 00:57:05,319 No, he is not! 1094 00:57:05,385 --> 00:57:06,954 He is not. 1095 00:57:07,021 --> 00:57:08,923 Yes! 1096 00:57:10,891 --> 00:57:13,427 Ha-ha! No May? 1097 00:57:17,898 --> 00:57:19,466 JAMES: No, and there wouldn't be, 1098 00:57:19,533 --> 00:57:21,736 because I was in another part of the port 1099 00:57:21,802 --> 00:57:23,804 with my own travel plans. 1100 00:57:23,871 --> 00:57:26,173 Last night, after the other two had gone to bed, 1101 00:57:26,240 --> 00:57:28,743 I arranged for our company yacht 1102 00:57:28,776 --> 00:57:31,846 to be waiting for me in the harbour. 1103 00:57:31,912 --> 00:57:33,914 And there it is! 1104 00:57:39,754 --> 00:57:43,057 I simply drive up, hop aboard, 1105 00:57:43,123 --> 00:57:44,792 and then we'll be on our way. 1106 00:58:01,241 --> 00:58:03,177 (JAMES GROANS) 1107 00:58:05,780 --> 00:58:07,982 (CHEERING) 1108 00:58:11,351 --> 00:58:14,221 - He lived, annoyingly. - Hold on, hold on. 1109 00:58:14,288 --> 00:58:16,090 Hold on. Hammond. 1110 00:58:16,156 --> 00:58:17,925 I need to ask you about this. 1111 00:58:17,992 --> 00:58:21,495 Why did you stick "Deshabille" on my car? 1112 00:58:21,561 --> 00:58:24,231 Because you were disabled. 1113 00:58:24,298 --> 00:58:28,803 Déshabillé means undressed, you moron! 1114 00:58:28,803 --> 00:58:30,604 Let's not get bogged down 1115 00:58:30,670 --> 00:58:32,139 with "Ooh, can't speak French." 1116 00:58:32,206 --> 00:58:35,976 Let's get to the point which is, James May, 1117 00:58:36,043 --> 00:58:39,146 you lost and you broke the company yacht. 1118 00:58:39,213 --> 00:58:40,915 - You did. - Hang on a minute. 1119 00:58:40,981 --> 00:58:43,918 My car got closer to England than yours did. 1120 00:58:43,984 --> 00:58:45,685 Yes, but the other thing it got closest to 1121 00:58:45,820 --> 00:58:47,387 was the bottom of the sea. 1122 00:58:47,454 --> 00:58:49,089 All of that is irrelevant 1123 00:58:49,156 --> 00:58:50,825 because my car was the best, 1124 00:58:50,891 --> 00:58:52,659 cos it didn't go wrong at all. 1125 00:58:52,726 --> 00:58:54,294 Mine was perfectly reliable. 1126 00:58:54,361 --> 00:58:57,364 Mm-hm. Mine was as reliable as James's arms. 1127 00:58:57,431 --> 00:59:01,501 And the extraordinary thing is, no-one can work out 1128 00:59:01,568 --> 00:59:02,870 what was wrong with it. 1129 00:59:02,937 --> 00:59:05,139 It fell off the back of a lorry. 1130 00:59:05,205 --> 00:59:07,107 No- one can work out what fault it had 1131 00:59:07,174 --> 00:59:09,944 that caused it to be on the lorry in the first place. 1132 00:59:10,010 --> 00:59:12,046 And even nine months down the line, 1133 00:59:12,112 --> 00:59:16,116 two trained Maserati mechanics are totally stumped. 1134 00:59:16,183 --> 00:59:18,585 It is an unfathomable fault. 1135 00:59:18,652 --> 00:59:20,454 Yeah, so what we can conclude 1136 00:59:20,520 --> 00:59:23,723 from our exhaustive testing in the north of France 1137 00:59:23,858 --> 00:59:25,860 is that if you buy a used Maserati, 1138 00:59:25,926 --> 00:59:29,229 you have a 66% chance of it working. 1139 00:59:30,597 --> 00:59:31,866 They're not bad odds. 1140 00:59:31,866 --> 00:59:33,133 You wouldn't say that 1141 00:59:33,200 --> 00:59:35,502 if you were having an eye operation. 1142 00:59:35,569 --> 00:59:38,005 Exactly. And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. 1143 00:59:38,072 --> 00:59:40,607 Thank you so much for watching. Good night! 1144 00:59:40,674 --> 00:59:42,877 (CHEERING)