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*THE GRAND TOUR*
Season 03 Episode 07
Episode Title: "Well Aged Scotch"
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Hello!
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Hello, everybody!
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Hel-lo!
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Thank you so much.
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Thank you, everybody.
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Wow!
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Noisy bunch.
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Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, thank you, and welcome.
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And in this week's show:
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Loch...
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Scot...
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and two smoking Beamers.
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Now...
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Thanks, everybody,
thank you, thank you.
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Now, I wanna begin
by talking about money.
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Bear with us on this one.
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You see,
if you'd put £35,000
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in a saving account
in the year 2000,
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you'd now have
around £60,000.
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However, if you'd put
that same £35,000
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into an E-Type Jaguar,
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you'd now have £100,000.
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Yeah, just about everything even
remotely rare or interesting
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is worth a fortune
these days.
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Aston Martin DB5,
that'll cost you £750,000.
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Ferrari Daytona, £600,000.
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A pagoda roof Mercedes SL, that'll
set you back at least 75 grand now.
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Yeah, it's not just
exotic cars either.
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Ford Escort Mexico, OK?
A hum-drum car.
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That's a £60,000 thing
these days.
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- 60 grand!
- Yeah, it is.
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However, there are one or two
rare and interesting cars
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that seem to have
slipped through the net,
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whose prices haven't yet
gone through the ceiling.
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So we decided
to get out there and see
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which of us was best at spotting
that investment opportunity.
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Exactly. So we each
bought a classic car.
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And then to see which one
of us had got the best deal,
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we took The Grand Tour to
what one of our producers,
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who's Scottish,
always says is the best,
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most beautiful place
on earth:
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Scotland.
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We chose,
for our meeting point,
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a quaint fishing port
near Inverness.
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And I was
the first to arrive,
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in an Alfa Romeo GTV6.
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Now...
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you would imagine
that when one of these
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comes onto the market,
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classic car enthusiasts
are running around
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like they're in a zombie
movie and it's Black Friday.
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But, no.
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I bought this
from an 83-year-old man...
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who'd had it since new
and was only selling it
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cos his 84-year-old wife
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found it so difficult to get
in and out of, "you know".
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It's only done 26,000 miles.
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And yet it cost £10,000.
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And £10,000 -
that's a round of drinks
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in the world where
this sort of thing belongs.
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Oh, hello.
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James May in
a Lancia Gamma Coupe.
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That's one of the prettiest cars ever
made, but don't tell him I said that.
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Morning, May.
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- How much?
- £13,500.
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Oh, £3,500 more...
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than I paid for this
vastly superior Alfa Romeo.
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Well, £13,500 is a bargain
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for a car that is coach-built
and extremely rare
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and beautiful.
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But it isn't exotic
like this is.
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What do you mean,
it's not exotic? Okay.
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May I just talk you through some
of this car's features, yes?
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Transaxle,
gearbox at the back,
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twin-plate clutch, disks all
round, unusual at the time.
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One of the best engines ever
made, two-and-a-half litre V6.
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Those aren't my words,
by the way, they are
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the words of James
May in Car Magazine.
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- Yes, I did say that. I do.
- You love this engine.
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And this has won the European
Touring Car Championship
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four years on the trot, it won the
British Touring Car Championship.
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This has got
race breeding as well.
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- What, the Gamma?
- It's a Lancia!
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They're the most successful
rallying team in history.
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Not my words,
the words of Jeremy Clarkson.
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And that is
a better-looking car.
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- What, than this?
- Yes!
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- It is... superbe.
- It's not "superbe".
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I tell you what's not superb.
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Richard Hammond
arriving in a Fiat X19.
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How much?
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£2,250.
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Somebody saw you coming,
Hammond.
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What? For a baby Ferrari,
two thousand...
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- Did you just call it a baby Ferrari?
- He did.
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Because it is. Mid-engined,
Italian, it's exactly what it is.
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- Ooh, listen to that sound.
- I know.
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That is the reassuring sound
of tin on Russian steel.
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It's a light, bright, effervescent
sound, just like the car.
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How many colours
has this car been?
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It was black,
then it was red,
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then it was white, then it was
pale blue, and now it's purple.
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I'd like to add, actually,
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it's not, "How many colours
has this car been?"
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- How many cars has this been?
- Well, quite.
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- It's now going brown.
- Brown, yeah.
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All right, then.
I'm not gonna turn around.
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I'll try and work out
which Alfa you've bought.
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- Da-nah, the best Alfa.
- Oh, it's a GTV6.
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- Exactly!
- Yeah.
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Why has it got this plastic bit
in the middle of the bonnet?
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Genius. The engine in
this car had a small issue.
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It used to backf-...
well, front-fire, actually,
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and blow the top
off the engine, yeah?
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So that would damage
the bonnet.
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So they put this plastic panel,
which was easier to replace.
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Why didn't they stop it
backfiring?
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Oh, don't be ridiculous!
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- They were... busy.
- Lazy.
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- Can I just ask?
- Hmm?
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What's that broom handle
thing for?
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Uh! Well, now this is another
characteristic of the GTV6
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is that when you park up, you
need to keep the clutch pedal
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depressed using
a broom handle like that.
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- Right.
- Otherwise the clutch and the flywheel
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- will fuse together.
- I see.
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I used to own one of these, there's
not a lot I don't know about it.
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Yeah. When you used to own one of
these, how did you find the gear change?
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Um... smooth, snicky.
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- No, it wasn't, was it?
- No, those aren't quite the right words.
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Terrible.
What about second?
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Yeah, second...
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- I don't know, I never found it.
- No, exactly!
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Yes, let's not get bogged down with
some of the Alfa's minor design flaws.
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- Disasters.
- Because
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all three of us
have got classic cars.
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- I have, yes.
- For good money.
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- Mm-hmm.
- We're in Scotland.
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So why don't we take them
on a drive in...
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Well, let's be honest,
Scotland is just a road trip.
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I agree. We could, while
we're here, we could do the NC500.
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Which, I mean, that is sup...
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Voted by Condé Nast
Traveller magazine...
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voted it the best road trip
in the world.
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It's got lochs,
mountains, it's just...
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- All the pretty bits, yeah.
- ..I mean,
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It's all the best bits
of Scotland, right, - Yeah.
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500 miles round
the north coast of Scotland.
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- In Italian exotic cars.
- - Oh,
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- hang on. Text.
- What?
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Yeah? Mr Wilman.
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Mr Wilman.
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It says:
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"Those cars will not do 500
yards, leave alone 500 miles."
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So I've provided three backup
vehicles which you can use
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to get home when they go
wrong and catch fire.
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"And explode."
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- I was wondering what they were.
- Funny.
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How did he know we were
going to do 500 miles?
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That's a good point, actually, cos
Hammond's only just suggested it.
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How did he know that?
How did he get three bicycles...
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Putting Mr Wilman's
psychic powers to one side,
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we climbed aboard...
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and set off
into the giant oil painting
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that is Scotland.
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Oh.
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This isn't exactly like the tourist
authority would have you believe, is it?
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It doesn't look like it looks
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on the shortbread tins.
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This render that they
put on everything is
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like a sort of batter
for houses, isn't it?
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Batter!
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"I've battered my house."
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You can see why they
want to be independent,
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can't you? Get away from us lot.
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Well, you wouldn't want people coming
in and messing all this up, would you?
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I used to have a fiercely
Scottish neighbour in London.
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Why would a Scottish
person go and live in London?
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I dunno, because he'd
do anything for Scotland.
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Well, except live there.
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Was he called Sean Connery?
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Eventually,
we cleared the fishing port
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and found ourselves
on the open road,
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where we could get
down to the business
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of enjoying our
pedigree Italian classics.
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And the Fiat.
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My car is just so
refined and sophisticated.
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00:10:01,653 --> 00:10:05,160
And in fact, really well looked
after by its previous owner.
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00:10:05,246 --> 00:10:07,067
It was obviously loved and...
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One of my windscreen wipers
just fell off.
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00:10:16,059 --> 00:10:17,312
Oh, dear!
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00:10:19,799 --> 00:10:22,364
- He can't get out.
- I can't get out.
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00:10:22,498 --> 00:10:24,653
We can only just lift it up,
there you go.
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00:10:24,738 --> 00:10:26,215
You just have to
drive like that.
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00:10:26,301 --> 00:10:28,246
James, can I just say,
you've done three miles.
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00:10:28,332 --> 00:10:31,762
There, it's mended for now.
Don't turn it on again.
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00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:33,138
Just turn it on,
I want to see what happens.
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00:10:33,223 --> 00:10:34,285
OK.
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00:10:35,418 --> 00:10:37,013
Ready?
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00:10:39,262 --> 00:10:41,512
- In Scotland?
- In Scotland, you won't need it,
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00:10:41,575 --> 00:10:42,794
- that's the thing.
- Perfect.
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00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,030
Cos it never rains.
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00:10:54,106 --> 00:10:55,973
Right, now we're alone,
viewers,
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00:10:56,058 --> 00:10:59,903
I can reveal that that windscreen wiper
incident is really a bit of an aside
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00:11:00,004 --> 00:11:02,473
compared with some of the
other problems this car has.
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00:11:02,598 --> 00:11:04,989
Most of these
relate to the engine.
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00:11:05,090 --> 00:11:07,093
In particular,
the way Lancia mounted
209
00:11:07,178 --> 00:11:12,207
the power steering pump on the
end of one of the cam shafts.
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00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:15,372
Basically, you can't
really use full lock,
211
00:11:15,458 --> 00:11:18,684
especially when the engine's cold,
otherwise the engine will explode.
212
00:11:18,938 --> 00:11:20,809
The thermostat was fitted
in the wrong place,
213
00:11:20,895 --> 00:11:23,253
which leads to overheating,
very suddenly
214
00:11:23,338 --> 00:11:25,121
and then the engine
can explode.
215
00:11:25,207 --> 00:11:27,253
And there were some problems
with the gasket materials,
216
00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:29,573
which causes the coolant
to mix with the oil
217
00:11:29,658 --> 00:11:33,184
with engine-exploding
sort of results, really.
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00:11:34,262 --> 00:11:38,030
James, I heard Wednesdays
can cause your car to explode.
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00:11:38,178 --> 00:11:40,333
So you need to be
careful tomorrow.
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00:11:40,418 --> 00:11:43,853
Proximity to trees,
lakes, grass,
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00:11:43,938 --> 00:11:46,333
heather, grouse, or tartan.
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00:11:46,418 --> 00:11:49,692
All those things cause it
to explode, I'm sure.
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00:11:49,778 --> 00:11:52,453
Look, I'm sitting here trying
to explain to the viewers
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00:11:52,538 --> 00:11:55,013
why the engine might explode
and I'm constantly
225
00:11:55,098 --> 00:11:57,493
interrupted with your stupid
exploding engine jokes.
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00:11:57,578 --> 00:12:01,023
OK, carry on, but do it quickly
before the engine explodes.
227
00:12:02,317 --> 00:12:04,973
Meanwhile, in the GTV6...
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00:12:05,059 --> 00:12:07,233
Ooh, no, what's that?
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00:12:07,318 --> 00:12:10,023
That third?
Right, good, third.
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00:12:13,529 --> 00:12:15,614
Fourth? Yeah, fourth.
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00:12:15,978 --> 00:12:17,953
Or is it fourth or second?
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00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:23,293
I was getting reacquainted with
all the peculiar little foibles.
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00:12:23,378 --> 00:12:25,645
Driving position's
not brilliant.
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00:12:25,770 --> 00:12:28,278
Pedals are far too close
to the seat,
235
00:12:28,364 --> 00:12:31,028
so you have to drive with
your legs wide apart.
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00:12:31,371 --> 00:12:33,493
Not so bad if you're a man.
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00:12:33,578 --> 00:12:35,012
If you're a girl, though,
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00:12:35,098 --> 00:12:39,183
trousers is a strategy you need
to think about in a morning.
239
00:12:39,950 --> 00:12:42,332
However,
despite all the weirdness,
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00:12:42,403 --> 00:12:46,559
I do still absolutely love
this thing.
241
00:12:47,583 --> 00:12:51,223
It was my ownership of a GTV6
242
00:12:51,309 --> 00:12:53,981
that taught me
what cars are all about.
243
00:12:54,183 --> 00:12:55,638
You need a personality,
244
00:12:55,723 --> 00:12:58,989
you need flaws
for them to be human.
245
00:12:59,148 --> 00:13:02,824
And James May was right for
the first time in his life,
246
00:13:02,910 --> 00:13:04,684
and only time in his life:
247
00:13:04,770 --> 00:13:08,535
this is one of the greatest
engines ever made.
248
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:11,258
The creamiest,
the smoothest...
249
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,496
and the most beautiful
to listen to.
250
00:13:17,481 --> 00:13:19,456
That's not exhaust noise.
251
00:13:19,542 --> 00:13:22,957
That's an actual engine.
252
00:13:23,042 --> 00:13:26,377
As James and I enjoyed
our classic thoroughbreds,
253
00:13:26,462 --> 00:13:30,121
Richard was driving along
in his purple Fiat.
254
00:13:30,507 --> 00:13:33,371
Unleash 80 horsepower.
255
00:13:37,519 --> 00:13:42,193
Well, I mean, this thing
only weighs 960 kilos.
256
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:46,184
Fiat sold 170,000 X19s,
257
00:13:46,282 --> 00:13:48,737
so this doesn't have rarity
like theirs does.
258
00:13:48,822 --> 00:13:54,301
But let's contrast rarity with
the opposite, which is popularity.
259
00:13:54,864 --> 00:13:58,348
Cos that's what this car was,
immensely popular.
260
00:13:59,192 --> 00:14:02,257
And I have
the pop-up head lamps.
261
00:14:02,660 --> 00:14:04,879
Oh, yeah!
262
00:14:05,114 --> 00:14:07,184
I'm gonna pop them down
again now.
263
00:14:08,762 --> 00:14:11,395
I can do
that whenever I want!
264
00:14:12,171 --> 00:14:14,520
One slight complaint
about the Fiat,
265
00:14:14,622 --> 00:14:18,465
the pedals are very, very
small and very close together.
266
00:14:18,582 --> 00:14:21,996
And if you try and operate them
with, let's say, your feet,
267
00:14:22,215 --> 00:14:24,840
you'll find that
your feet are too big.
268
00:14:25,088 --> 00:14:28,418
Really, you just need
to use a toe on each.
269
00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:35,739
Soon,
Hammond spotted a racetrack
270
00:14:35,825 --> 00:14:38,582
and suggested
we have a go on it.
271
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,371
And as we pulled up,
it became clear
272
00:14:42,457 --> 00:14:46,223
that tiny pedals
weren't his only problem.
273
00:14:55,692 --> 00:14:58,449
That's quite high revs.
Yeah, it idles quite high.
274
00:14:58,535 --> 00:15:00,418
- Is that its idle speed?
- Yes.
275
00:15:00,504 --> 00:15:02,204
It's keen!
276
00:15:04,922 --> 00:15:07,731
Since this was
actually a go-cart track,
277
00:15:07,817 --> 00:15:10,312
it was too narrow
for car racing.
278
00:15:10,398 --> 00:15:14,598
So I decided we should have
a drifting competition.
279
00:15:19,623 --> 00:15:21,801
Come on, little Fiat.
280
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:27,257
It doesn't work.
281
00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:32,808
It simply doesn't really
have the power to...
282
00:15:33,269 --> 00:15:35,981
throw its tail out
properly.
283
00:15:38,559 --> 00:15:42,297
Even though my Alfa had
twice the horsepower of the Fiat,
284
00:15:42,382 --> 00:15:44,864
things weren't great
for me either.
285
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:49,997
You can't unstick
the tail of a GTV6.
286
00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:52,447
You just can't. Ready?
287
00:15:52,533 --> 00:15:55,447
Just grip and more grip.
288
00:15:58,522 --> 00:16:03,582
I know Roger Moore drifted
a GTV6 in Octopussy.
289
00:16:03,697 --> 00:16:06,160
But then he crashed
into a fence
290
00:16:06,246 --> 00:16:08,692
and had to dress up
as a clown.
291
00:16:11,002 --> 00:16:13,567
In the Gamma,
I was confident
292
00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:16,887
I'd succeed where
my colleagues had failed.
293
00:16:18,082 --> 00:16:19,597
Right, here we go.
294
00:16:19,682 --> 00:16:21,989
Lancia is one of the greatest
names in rallying history,
295
00:16:22,075 --> 00:16:25,653
so a controlled drift should
be second nature to this.
296
00:16:25,802 --> 00:16:28,996
As I approach that corner,
I'll heel and toe it and...
297
00:16:33,402 --> 00:16:34,692
Hm.
298
00:16:35,964 --> 00:16:38,289
Brake, lift-off.
299
00:16:40,856 --> 00:16:42,606
Nope.
300
00:16:42,692 --> 00:16:46,087
At this point, I suddenly
remembered something important.
301
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:47,614
This is front-wheel drive,
isn't it?
302
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:49,418
What was I thinking of?
303
00:16:49,504 --> 00:16:51,918
It's not gonna drift.
304
00:16:53,464 --> 00:16:58,606
Happily, though, the enthralled local
audience were able to find a solution.
305
00:16:59,043 --> 00:17:01,207
What I do is,
I take the rear wheels off,
306
00:17:01,293 --> 00:17:04,379
let the tyres down and put
these plastic covers on.
307
00:17:04,465 --> 00:17:06,717
Then pump the tyres back up
again, put them back on,
308
00:17:06,802 --> 00:17:09,637
that gives the car the loose
back end you want to drift.
309
00:17:09,722 --> 00:17:12,061
These are just... this is like
putting insulating tape
310
00:17:12,147 --> 00:17:14,687
on the back wheels
of your Scalextric cars.
311
00:17:15,348 --> 00:17:17,467
Stand by.
312
00:17:17,642 --> 00:17:21,176
With no help from anyone else
on this freezing day,
313
00:17:21,269 --> 00:17:23,574
the drift covers
were soon fitted.
314
00:17:26,626 --> 00:17:28,588
Oh, here we go.
315
00:17:31,497 --> 00:17:32,940
Oh!
316
00:17:35,311 --> 00:17:37,440
Right, turn in...
317
00:17:37,526 --> 00:17:39,821
get the drift going,
then...
318
00:17:44,842 --> 00:17:47,927
This entertainment
went on for quite some time.
319
00:18:04,753 --> 00:18:06,028
No.
320
00:18:06,159 --> 00:18:08,087
Until eventually...
321
00:18:08,593 --> 00:18:11,596
Dab of brakes, in.
322
00:18:12,215 --> 00:18:14,776
- Hold it, hold it!
- He turned the steering wheel!
323
00:18:14,862 --> 00:18:17,457
- He turned the steering wheel!
- He did a thing to it.
324
00:18:17,542 --> 00:18:19,166
Ye-e-es!
325
00:18:19,252 --> 00:18:21,577
Yes, yes, yes.
326
00:18:23,674 --> 00:18:25,300
This looks like a lot of fun.
327
00:18:25,386 --> 00:18:26,933
We're gonna do that.
We've gotta try it.
328
00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,868
Oh, no, there's the only set.
329
00:18:28,954 --> 00:18:29,994
What, of those things?
330
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,804
Yeah, they're the only
set, so we can't do it.
331
00:18:31,889 --> 00:18:33,554
No, we can...
We can make some.
332
00:18:39,882 --> 00:18:41,613
Did you ask if you could
borrow this bit?
333
00:18:41,699 --> 00:18:43,605
No, but they won't need it.
334
00:18:45,642 --> 00:18:47,967
- And rotate.
- Aaaah...
335
00:18:48,882 --> 00:18:51,504
This goes over.
336
00:18:51,762 --> 00:18:53,537
It'll require
a little bit of persuasion.
337
00:18:53,622 --> 00:18:56,097
James May just drifted
perfectly behind you.
338
00:18:56,182 --> 00:18:58,487
This is another
of those weird days.
339
00:18:59,418 --> 00:19:01,017
With his tyre covers made,
340
00:19:01,102 --> 00:19:04,047
Hammond decided
not to hold back.
341
00:19:12,473 --> 00:19:14,421
Oh, this is gonna be...
342
00:19:14,522 --> 00:19:17,098
I mean, seriously, he's gonna
get to that corner, then...
343
00:19:20,990 --> 00:19:23,315
Where can
the helicopter land?
344
00:19:24,922 --> 00:19:26,897
Here comes a drift,
here it comes.
345
00:19:26,982 --> 00:19:29,637
And drifting.
346
00:19:29,722 --> 00:19:31,677
Agh!
347
00:19:31,762 --> 00:19:33,697
Completely out of control.
348
00:19:37,704 --> 00:19:39,709
Let's just try again.
349
00:19:42,693 --> 00:19:44,697
All right, one of them...
no, that's fallen off.
350
00:19:44,782 --> 00:19:46,441
That could be interesting.
351
00:19:49,401 --> 00:19:52,876
And I am turning in.
Drifting.
352
00:19:52,968 --> 00:19:55,613
Oh, no, I'm, no, there's...
I've got steering.
353
00:19:58,002 --> 00:20:01,377
Annoyingly, Hammond's
dismal failure didn't stop him
354
00:20:01,462 --> 00:20:05,152
fitting his ridiculous
contraptions to my precious Alfa.
355
00:20:05,563 --> 00:20:08,637
And insisting
that I have a go.
356
00:20:08,982 --> 00:20:12,516
Think of the trouble
Alfa Romeo went to
357
00:20:12,602 --> 00:20:14,082
to make this car exquisite.
358
00:20:14,168 --> 00:20:17,020
Think of the trouble
that Pirelli went to
359
00:20:17,121 --> 00:20:19,465
to make the tyres
grip properly.
360
00:20:19,554 --> 00:20:22,730
And then along comes
Hammond with a bin.
361
00:20:23,469 --> 00:20:25,444
Whatever, here we go.
362
00:20:32,149 --> 00:20:34,941
What was that noise?
363
00:20:35,189 --> 00:20:37,164
Whole car's vibrating.
364
00:20:39,567 --> 00:20:42,848
Yeah,
that's a massive vibration.
365
00:20:43,110 --> 00:20:45,492
Hammond,
you blithering idiot,
366
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,883
you've totally ruined
this car!
367
00:20:48,857 --> 00:20:54,012
An inspection of the undersides
revealed some grim news.
368
00:20:54,339 --> 00:20:57,457
That has come off.
So the prop shaft is now...
369
00:20:57,660 --> 00:20:59,715
Well, it's still
joining the gearbox
370
00:20:59,801 --> 00:21:03,096
or the transaxle to the
engine, but by a thread.
371
00:21:03,274 --> 00:21:06,569
And if I did anything more that rev
it like that, it's gonna come off.
372
00:21:06,655 --> 00:21:09,950
If I'm driving along, then
that's the end of the Alfa.
373
00:21:10,299 --> 00:21:11,410
Well, that's interesting.
374
00:21:11,496 --> 00:21:13,511
Uh... my car's working
and I'd like a drink.
375
00:21:13,597 --> 00:21:16,293
The hotel is about
25 miles away.
376
00:21:16,379 --> 00:21:18,574
So, I think I'll get on
with it, if you don't mind.
377
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:20,809
You can't leave...
No, you can't leave me now.
378
00:21:20,910 --> 00:21:23,253
What do you mean,
I can't leave you now?
379
00:21:23,412 --> 00:21:26,152
Have you seen...
Have you seen how cold it is?
380
00:21:26,238 --> 00:21:27,871
I can't see how cold it is,
381
00:21:27,957 --> 00:21:29,932
but I can feel it.
No, but, I actually just looked.
382
00:21:30,017 --> 00:21:32,215
"Drizzle 6, feels like 2."
383
00:21:32,301 --> 00:21:34,091
- Well, you know what would warm you up?
- What?
384
00:21:34,176 --> 00:21:37,019
A bicycle ride.
It always does.
385
00:21:41,535 --> 00:21:45,332
20 miles through this...
386
00:21:46,004 --> 00:21:48,941
freezing middle
of nowhere.
387
00:21:49,027 --> 00:21:52,269
Hey, Richard the hamster Hammond,
is your car warm and dry?
388
00:21:52,355 --> 00:21:53,394
I'm just checking.
389
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,230
Yeah, I'm warm and dry.
You warm and dry?
390
00:21:55,316 --> 00:21:57,338
I'm very warm and dry.
391
00:22:07,602 --> 00:22:11,617
Oh, I meant to ask, would you like a
long gin and tonic sitting at a barstool?
392
00:22:11,702 --> 00:22:13,004
Yes. Yes, I would.
393
00:22:13,090 --> 00:22:16,707
And we've only got...
Well, it's not far in a car!
394
00:22:19,715 --> 00:22:21,310
Oh, God.
395
00:22:21,481 --> 00:22:23,436
Oh, come on!
396
00:22:23,522 --> 00:22:27,043
Rub it in!
Seriously, rub it in!
397
00:22:36,802 --> 00:22:38,207
We're gonna need
to rehearse it.
398
00:22:38,293 --> 00:22:40,418
- What?
- Well, what we're saying.
399
00:22:40,504 --> 00:22:43,519
Look, so we're
on breakfast TV,
400
00:22:43,605 --> 00:22:44,919
- you're on the sofa, yeah?
- Oh, OK.
401
00:22:45,004 --> 00:22:47,420
"Good morning and with me
is James May..." That's how they speak.
402
00:22:47,505 --> 00:22:50,160
"Who has just learnt of
the sad demise"
403
00:22:50,246 --> 00:22:52,832
of his co-host and colleague,
Mr Jeremy Clarkson.
404
00:22:52,918 --> 00:22:55,144
James, how do you feel
that his body was found
405
00:22:55,230 --> 00:22:56,887
in a ditch
with a bicycle this morning?
406
00:22:57,004 --> 00:22:58,517
- Was it?
- Yes.
407
00:22:58,602 --> 00:22:59,672
- No, that's not right, is it? Sorry,
- No,
408
00:22:59,758 --> 00:23:00,758
- can you do that again?
- James
409
00:23:00,862 --> 00:23:04,157
This is radio, OK? "Good morning,
five past nine, James May is with us."
410
00:23:04,242 --> 00:23:06,613
Uh... we only learnt this
morning of the sad demise of..."
411
00:23:06,699 --> 00:23:08,634
- Oh, bugger.
- What?
412
00:23:08,922 --> 00:23:11,897
All of that rehearsing, mate,
waste of time.
413
00:23:13,707 --> 00:23:14,991
Because he's outside
right now,
414
00:23:15,077 --> 00:23:18,152
fighting with a bicycle lock
by a fence.
415
00:23:18,238 --> 00:23:19,590
Oh, you look cold!
416
00:23:19,676 --> 00:23:20,793
Who's cold?
417
00:23:20,879 --> 00:23:23,354
Oh,**** hell!
Why won't this work?
418
00:23:23,522 --> 00:23:25,577
Paperboys can work
one of those, mate.
419
00:23:25,662 --> 00:23:27,557
Oh, you can steal it,
I don't care.
420
00:23:27,642 --> 00:23:29,857
He's left the key
in it. What a muppet.
421
00:23:29,942 --> 00:23:31,922
Oh, God.
422
00:23:33,361 --> 00:23:34,636
Come on.
423
00:23:34,722 --> 00:23:36,037
Hammond!
424
00:23:36,402 --> 00:23:38,017
Hammond!
425
00:23:38,102 --> 00:23:40,327
Hammond!
426
00:23:44,522 --> 00:23:46,977
The next morning,
the peaceful stillness
427
00:23:47,062 --> 00:23:50,967
was shattered by the cry
of a distressed animal.
428
00:23:51,634 --> 00:23:53,959
Clarkson!
429
00:23:54,589 --> 00:23:56,465
Clarkson!
430
00:23:57,413 --> 00:23:59,777
Where's my roof?
431
00:24:02,938 --> 00:24:04,394
Right.
432
00:24:05,672 --> 00:24:06,832
Bastard!
433
00:24:09,801 --> 00:24:12,262
What was that?
434
00:24:12,662 --> 00:24:15,247
What... Oh, you are joking?
435
00:24:15,746 --> 00:24:17,597
No. No.
436
00:24:17,682 --> 00:24:18,730
No.
437
00:24:18,816 --> 00:24:20,238
He hasn't,
he's not that sick.
438
00:24:20,324 --> 00:24:21,599
- Morning.
- What?
439
00:24:21,685 --> 00:24:24,390
- Morning.
- Yeah, whatever. Oh!
440
00:24:25,347 --> 00:24:27,894
Why have you driven over
your own roof?
441
00:24:28,458 --> 00:24:31,254
Clarkson. He's sick.
442
00:24:34,254 --> 00:24:37,004
Enjoy your day
on your bicycle!
443
00:24:37,118 --> 00:24:38,698
Bastard.
444
00:24:47,014 --> 00:24:49,339
Well, I'm cold now,
obviously.
445
00:24:50,334 --> 00:24:52,816
Borrowed a jacket
from a cameraman.
446
00:24:52,902 --> 00:24:55,488
He's six-three and 18 stone.
447
00:24:58,814 --> 00:25:01,566
I'm in a small, stylish,
Italian sports car,
448
00:25:01,652 --> 00:25:02,731
supposed to be looking good.
449
00:25:02,816 --> 00:25:04,824
I look like
a frostbitten gnome!
450
00:25:05,574 --> 00:25:07,598
Rotten trick, that.
451
00:25:07,684 --> 00:25:09,363
I wouldn't stand for it.
452
00:25:09,449 --> 00:25:13,418
The only thing that worries me is he
might get some exercise on his bicycle!
453
00:25:13,504 --> 00:25:16,363
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Do you think he's already just become
454
00:25:16,449 --> 00:25:17,789
one of those
embittered cyclists
455
00:25:17,874 --> 00:25:19,869
who hates anybody
who's got a car?
456
00:25:23,294 --> 00:25:24,529
Oh, jeez.
457
00:25:24,614 --> 00:25:26,829
What?
458
00:25:26,914 --> 00:25:28,579
Oh, come on!
459
00:25:30,794 --> 00:25:32,539
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
460
00:25:35,854 --> 00:25:38,527
He did not mend that.
461
00:25:47,974 --> 00:25:49,939
Very good. Now...
462
00:25:50,757 --> 00:25:54,328
I have to say, the only
reason why we met
463
00:25:54,414 --> 00:25:57,058
on a beach full of oil rigs
and then drove
464
00:25:57,144 --> 00:25:59,644
through a council estate
full of hypodermic needles
465
00:25:59,730 --> 00:26:00,829
is to annoy...
466
00:26:00,915 --> 00:26:03,950
Well, simply and only to
annoy our Scottish producer.
467
00:26:04,036 --> 00:26:06,788
Yes, but we will not tell you
Gav's name, we promise.
468
00:26:06,874 --> 00:26:08,809
No, we won't.
We won't say his name.
469
00:26:08,894 --> 00:26:12,675
Anyway, look, it all gets a lot
sunnier and prettier in part two,
470
00:26:12,870 --> 00:26:15,659
when we finally get
on the North Coast 500
471
00:26:15,745 --> 00:26:17,269
and we'll pick that up
later on.
472
00:26:17,441 --> 00:26:20,433
Yes, but now
it's time to say hello
473
00:26:20,549 --> 00:26:23,044
to the old lady of debate,
474
00:26:23,176 --> 00:26:25,519
who sits
in the bus shelter...
475
00:26:26,214 --> 00:26:30,309
of chat on
Conversation Street.
476
00:26:38,174 --> 00:26:39,809
I don't even remember
that one.
477
00:26:39,894 --> 00:26:40,808
I don't remember
that happening.
478
00:26:40,894 --> 00:26:42,908
Anyway, I wanna stick with
the film in Scotland,
479
00:26:42,994 --> 00:26:45,550
if I may, James May, because
at one point you said
480
00:26:45,636 --> 00:26:48,550
you put those plastic things on
the back wheels of your Lancia
481
00:26:48,722 --> 00:26:53,894
because it was like putting insulating tape
on the back wheels of a Scalextric car.
482
00:26:53,980 --> 00:26:55,870
- Yeah.
- Who's ever done that?
483
00:26:56,011 --> 00:26:57,369
Well, I have.
484
00:26:57,454 --> 00:27:01,029
Yes, but you said it like it's one of
those things that everybody's done.
485
00:27:01,114 --> 00:27:02,529
- He did.
- It's like saying,
486
00:27:02,614 --> 00:27:05,249
"Oh, remember when you stole
your first pair of tights?"
487
00:27:05,334 --> 00:27:07,329
- You know
what it's like, Hammond,
488
00:27:07,414 --> 00:27:09,000
when you've got marmite
on your testicles.
489
00:27:09,086 --> 00:27:11,206
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
490
00:27:11,292 --> 00:27:14,402
Hang on, Scalextric cars have
too much grip. That's the point.
491
00:27:14,488 --> 00:27:16,364
No, they don't! That's why
they end up under the sofa.
492
00:27:16,449 --> 00:27:18,738
- They haven't got any grip.
- Every corner, they fly off!
493
00:27:18,824 --> 00:27:21,995
They've got too much grip, they over-steer
suddenly and you can't control it.
494
00:27:22,081 --> 00:27:24,159
If you put the insulating
tape on the rear tyres,
495
00:27:24,245 --> 00:27:26,549
you reduce the grip and then you
can slide them and drift them...
496
00:27:26,634 --> 00:27:29,249
Oh, my God,
you have actually done this?
497
00:27:29,334 --> 00:27:31,081
Of course
I've bloody done it!
498
00:27:31,167 --> 00:27:32,262
Your childhood!
499
00:27:32,348 --> 00:27:34,863
Who here has put
insulating tape
500
00:27:34,949 --> 00:27:37,188
or any form of tape on the
rear wheels of a Scalextric?
501
00:27:37,274 --> 00:27:39,209
That's nobody at all.
502
00:27:39,294 --> 00:27:40,855
- You?
- There, there.
503
00:27:40,941 --> 00:27:44,628
How bored must you be to think,
"I know what I'll do today"?
504
00:27:45,281 --> 00:27:48,011
Everyone apart from
that lady over there
505
00:27:48,194 --> 00:27:50,480
has never put insulating...
506
00:27:50,566 --> 00:27:53,269
It's your worst
explanation ever.
507
00:27:53,370 --> 00:27:55,249
- See me after.
- No, no, it's not. It's not.
508
00:27:55,334 --> 00:27:59,011
His worst explanation ever was when
we were doing that water speed record.
509
00:27:59,144 --> 00:28:02,214
And he explained to you,
um... to clear things up,
510
00:28:02,300 --> 00:28:05,289
how the boat controls,
which you can operate,
511
00:28:05,374 --> 00:28:07,488
on our Pond Bug,
worked the same way
512
00:28:07,574 --> 00:28:10,417
as aeroplane controls,
which you can't operate.
513
00:28:10,503 --> 00:28:12,768
Exactly.
That is the James May way.
514
00:28:12,854 --> 00:28:15,089
Explaining something
you do understand
515
00:28:15,175 --> 00:28:16,613
in a way
that you don't understand.
516
00:28:16,707 --> 00:28:19,188
Look, hang on a minute. Hold on a minute.
- Actually it was.
517
00:28:19,274 --> 00:28:22,548
You are a man who can't wind a wristwatch
up without taking somebody's eye out.
518
00:28:22,634 --> 00:28:24,219
And you claimed in that film
519
00:28:24,305 --> 00:28:26,899
that you'd mended the prop
shaft on that Alfa Romeo.
520
00:28:26,985 --> 00:28:28,240
- I did.
- Did you?
521
00:28:28,325 --> 00:28:30,098
- Well, I made a phone call.
- Did you?
522
00:28:30,184 --> 00:28:31,442
Same thing.
And then,
523
00:28:31,528 --> 00:28:33,390
I made a phone call
and a man, unbelievably,
524
00:28:33,476 --> 00:28:36,359
drove all the way from
Wiltshire to Inverness
525
00:28:36,445 --> 00:28:38,515
with the spare part
that I needed.
526
00:28:38,601 --> 00:28:40,633
How generous.
And then you mended it?
527
00:28:40,734 --> 00:28:42,400
- Well, I watched.
- Yeah.
528
00:28:42,485 --> 00:28:44,960
Actually, this is
the part that broke.
529
00:28:45,045 --> 00:28:46,844
You can see the bit
that came out, there,
530
00:28:46,930 --> 00:28:48,184
- yes?
- Mm-hm.
531
00:28:48,270 --> 00:28:51,019
And apparently this is
a known fault on a GTV6.
532
00:28:51,180 --> 00:28:53,281
Everything
is a known fault on...
533
00:28:53,367 --> 00:28:56,520
A GTV6 is a known fault.
534
00:28:56,605 --> 00:28:58,380
- Shall we just move this along?
- Yes.
535
00:28:58,466 --> 00:29:01,099
Let's move it along to
more actual conversation.
536
00:29:01,185 --> 00:29:02,100
Mm-hmm.
537
00:29:02,185 --> 00:29:07,099
Land Rover has announced that 70% of
people suffer from motion sickness.
538
00:29:07,185 --> 00:29:09,466
And they say that in the
future, their cars will have...
539
00:29:09,552 --> 00:29:13,459
some clever system that senses
when you're getting carsick
540
00:29:13,605 --> 00:29:15,340
and then adjusts
the cabin temperature
541
00:29:15,425 --> 00:29:17,240
and the suspension to cope.
542
00:29:17,325 --> 00:29:20,302
- And I think that's a pretty good idea.
- That is quite clever.
543
00:29:20,388 --> 00:29:23,757
I have to say, I've never had any
sort of motion sickness, anyway.
544
00:29:23,843 --> 00:29:27,138
But I'm very grateful cos I
once met a man who did have it.
545
00:29:27,224 --> 00:29:29,708
It was on a cross-Channel
ferry, very rough crossing.
546
00:29:29,794 --> 00:29:31,479
Everybody was being sick
except me.
547
00:29:31,565 --> 00:29:33,966
And I went into the lavs
and there was this bloke
548
00:29:34,052 --> 00:29:35,825
and he was face down
on the floor.
549
00:29:35,911 --> 00:29:38,646
On a boat there's a little lip at
the door to stop water getting out.
550
00:29:38,732 --> 00:29:40,207
And that was all
full of sick.
551
00:29:41,559 --> 00:29:44,833
And as the boat rolled, this
little sort of miniature tsunami...
552
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:49,036
sort of came
and hit him in the face.
553
00:29:49,122 --> 00:29:52,833
As I walked in, he looked up
at me and he went, "Kill me."
554
00:29:54,411 --> 00:29:55,946
But the thing that was
disturbing is,
555
00:29:56,032 --> 00:29:58,153
I know he meant it.
He did mean it.
556
00:29:58,239 --> 00:30:00,567
All right. Anyone had sea sickness?
Cos I have.
557
00:30:00,653 --> 00:30:03,508
You do genuinely want
someone to kill you
558
00:30:03,594 --> 00:30:05,459
when you're seasick,
you really do.
559
00:30:05,545 --> 00:30:06,606
You really do.
560
00:30:06,692 --> 00:30:08,228
What also troubled me
about that ship was
561
00:30:08,313 --> 00:30:10,510
there must've been
500 or 600 people on it.
562
00:30:10,596 --> 00:30:12,559
Everybody was
hueying everywhere -
563
00:30:12,645 --> 00:30:15,114
horizontal surfaces, vertical
surfaces, the ceiling,
564
00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:16,320
the food, everything.
565
00:30:16,405 --> 00:30:18,122
What did they do with it
when it got there?
566
00:30:18,208 --> 00:30:20,097
- Scuttle it.
- I think they must've done.
567
00:30:20,183 --> 00:30:23,106
Sometimes you've got to, you've
got no choice. Happened to me.
568
00:30:23,192 --> 00:30:24,887
Our childhood car,
a Hillman Avenger,
569
00:30:25,296 --> 00:30:27,571
my little brother vomited
milk in the back of it.
570
00:30:27,657 --> 00:30:29,752
- Ugh.
- Scrapped it. It's gone.
571
00:30:29,838 --> 00:30:32,693
- It just isn't any good.
- OK, I'll own up to something.
572
00:30:32,779 --> 00:30:33,841
Oh, are you sure?
573
00:30:33,927 --> 00:30:35,783
I was driving through
Corsica, late for a plane,
574
00:30:35,868 --> 00:30:39,286
and I had my son in the back,
who was probably nine or ten.
575
00:30:39,372 --> 00:30:42,147
Going quite quickly. It's all
mountainous roads through Corsica.
576
00:30:42,233 --> 00:30:44,308
Very hot day. And he
vommed explosively.
577
00:30:44,357 --> 00:30:47,239
And the upholstery was
that kind of textured velour.
578
00:30:47,377 --> 00:30:51,442
When we got to the car rental return
place, still late for the plane,
579
00:30:51,528 --> 00:30:52,771
the guy's coming over
to check the car.
580
00:30:52,856 --> 00:30:54,792
So I said, "It's all right,
mate, it's all in one piece."
581
00:30:54,877 --> 00:30:56,794
And folded
the back seat down.
582
00:30:56,880 --> 00:30:58,632
- Oh, you did not?
- Yeah, just...
583
00:30:58,717 --> 00:31:00,652
- Oh, you sick man!
- I know.
584
00:31:00,737 --> 00:31:02,512
- And left it.
- Yeah. Just left it. Ran.
585
00:31:02,597 --> 00:31:04,312
So somewhere there
is a kid who's paid
586
00:31:04,397 --> 00:31:07,212
two euros a day to
clean out returned hire cars.
587
00:31:07,297 --> 00:31:09,672
- And he encountered that horror.
- I ruined his life.
588
00:31:09,757 --> 00:31:12,872
But the reason we brought up all
this car sickness stuff is the RAC...
589
00:31:12,957 --> 00:31:15,887
Always up to speed,
the RAC is.
590
00:31:15,973 --> 00:31:18,676
It's put out some advice
saying that um...
591
00:31:18,997 --> 00:31:21,072
parents can stop
their children feeling sick
592
00:31:21,157 --> 00:31:23,840
if you can get them
to look at the horizon
593
00:31:23,926 --> 00:31:27,755
rather than the screens on
their mobile phones or tablets.
594
00:31:27,841 --> 00:31:29,661
- Good luck with that.
- Is that advice?
595
00:31:29,746 --> 00:31:31,162
"Go on, children,
look at the horizon.
596
00:31:31,247 --> 00:31:33,902
It's more interesting than
Angry Birds or Fortnite."
597
00:31:33,988 --> 00:31:36,912
Maybe they can persuade them to tidy their bedrooms afterwards as well.
- Yeah.
598
00:31:36,997 --> 00:31:39,590
Yeah. Anyway, that's sick
covered. Let's move it along.
599
00:31:39,676 --> 00:31:42,028
I'd like to move it on with
some more conversation.
600
00:31:42,114 --> 00:31:45,981
Um, Police in Dubai
are testing a hover-bike.
601
00:31:46,247 --> 00:31:48,152
But, no, it actually
is a hover-bike. Here it is.
602
00:31:48,237 --> 00:31:50,192
Look at that.
Look at that thing!
603
00:31:50,277 --> 00:31:51,786
Oh, my God.
604
00:31:51,872 --> 00:31:54,044
It costs about £117,000.
605
00:31:54,130 --> 00:31:57,105
It can go at 60 miles an hour,
fly for about 25 minutes.
606
00:31:57,477 --> 00:31:59,632
- Look at that.
- Yes, yes.
607
00:31:59,718 --> 00:32:03,472
I can see a couple of things, as
a police-pursuit-vehicle problem.
608
00:32:03,557 --> 00:32:07,472
If you drove at 61 miles an
hour, you'd get away from it.
609
00:32:09,297 --> 00:32:11,232
Actually, you could drive
at less than that,
610
00:32:11,317 --> 00:32:14,692
but for more than 25 minutes
and still get away from it.
611
00:32:14,778 --> 00:32:17,512
Or, and here's another one you
haven't probably considered:
612
00:32:17,597 --> 00:32:21,309
if you fell off it, you're falling
through your own propulsion device.
613
00:32:21,395 --> 00:32:23,751
I don't care,
because look at it!
614
00:32:23,837 --> 00:32:26,621
I want one of those more
than I want both of my lungs.
615
00:32:26,707 --> 00:32:28,471
It is simply
the best thing I've ever...
616
00:32:28,557 --> 00:32:32,067
James, can you imagine Richard
Hammond on one of those?
617
00:32:33,494 --> 00:32:34,969
Literally minutes of fun.
618
00:32:35,055 --> 00:32:38,075
Yeah, exactly. And then
he would just be a mist.
619
00:32:38,161 --> 00:32:40,848
You'd just be a veneer all
over the nearest building.
620
00:32:40,934 --> 00:32:42,911
You'd actually be able to
walk through Richard Hammond.
621
00:32:42,996 --> 00:32:45,511
It would just be a puddle
of Richard Hammond.
622
00:32:47,337 --> 00:32:48,785
All right.
623
00:32:48,871 --> 00:32:52,506
- Shit idea.
- Right. Erm...
624
00:32:52,943 --> 00:32:56,978
A lot of people have got it into their
heads that I don't like electric cars.
625
00:32:57,071 --> 00:33:00,160
Well. With good reason, because every
time you've got an electric car,
626
00:33:00,246 --> 00:33:04,301
you come back into the office on Monday
morning with another dreary tale of woe.
627
00:33:04,457 --> 00:33:06,512
- Cos you can't charge them up!
- Here we go.
628
00:33:06,597 --> 00:33:09,676
You can't! Last weekend,
had a Jaguar I-PACE, OK?
629
00:33:09,762 --> 00:33:11,238
This is a really good car.
630
00:33:11,324 --> 00:33:13,457
This is why I have nothing
against electric cars.
631
00:33:13,543 --> 00:33:15,698
That's the new Jag,
and it is fabulous.
632
00:33:15,784 --> 00:33:18,199
Lovely to sit in,
quick as hell,
633
00:33:18,285 --> 00:33:21,793
better than a Tesla by a long
way, actually, in many, many ways.
634
00:33:21,957 --> 00:33:25,988
Brilliant. However, brought it
up here, plugged it into my farm.
635
00:33:26,074 --> 00:33:28,512
And boof!
Instant darkness.
636
00:33:29,937 --> 00:33:33,176
This is a farm that can
supply all of Western Europe
637
00:33:33,262 --> 00:33:35,683
with vegetable oil
for a thousand years.
638
00:33:35,769 --> 00:33:40,137
Plug one Jag into it, and I'm in the
13th century. No electricity at all.
639
00:33:40,223 --> 00:33:42,278
I then took it to a friend's
house, plugged it in there -
640
00:33:42,363 --> 00:33:44,137
he's got more
modern electricity.
641
00:33:44,253 --> 00:33:47,168
Left it overnight and
it had only hoovered up
642
00:33:47,277 --> 00:33:50,613
enough electricity overnight
to cover 29 miles.
643
00:33:50,699 --> 00:33:54,414
That's because you're plugging it
into a 14th-century domestic socket.
644
00:33:54,537 --> 00:33:57,092
You're supposed to use a
proper modern fast charger.
645
00:33:57,177 --> 00:33:58,824
- How long would that take?
- 45 minutes.
646
00:33:58,910 --> 00:34:00,207
I haven't got 45 minutes.
647
00:34:00,293 --> 00:34:03,612
I've only got 130,000 hours
left, James, before I die.
648
00:34:03,697 --> 00:34:06,973
I'm not going to spend
any of it... What?
649
00:34:07,059 --> 00:34:08,090
Wait a minute.
650
00:34:08,176 --> 00:34:09,952
This is a new thing of yours
that's started.
651
00:34:10,037 --> 00:34:11,532
"I've only got
130,000 hours."
652
00:34:11,617 --> 00:34:13,152
It's dropping.
It's dropping now.
653
00:34:13,237 --> 00:34:15,312
Where does...
It's a lovely thought.
654
00:34:15,623 --> 00:34:17,808
It's dropping...
655
00:34:20,096 --> 00:34:23,443
It is. Get on with it!
I'm losing valuable time!
656
00:34:23,592 --> 00:34:26,412
All right! I do wanna know, though,
where did that number come from?
657
00:34:26,498 --> 00:34:28,199
Have you got your phone on you?
-Yes.
658
00:34:28,285 --> 00:34:30,761
Cos he always forgets
to leave it behind. OK.
659
00:34:30,854 --> 00:34:32,612
How long? If you don't
have to tell anyone.
660
00:34:32,698 --> 00:34:33,573
- How many... how many years
- Yes. Well...
661
00:34:33,659 --> 00:34:34,683
do you
think you've got left? Uh...
662
00:34:34,769 --> 00:34:37,691
- years I've got left?
- Years, then times that by 365.
663
00:34:37,777 --> 00:34:39,532
- Oh, I see.
- Times it by 24.
664
00:34:39,617 --> 00:34:42,996
- How many hours have you got left?
- 394,200.
665
00:34:43,152 --> 00:34:46,355
Right. Well, how much of that
do you want to waste...
666
00:34:46,577 --> 00:34:49,090
charging a car, sitting
around while a car charges?
667
00:34:49,176 --> 00:34:51,316
I went on the BBC iPlayer
the other day,
668
00:34:51,402 --> 00:34:53,672
and it said, "You've now
got to register to use this."
669
00:34:53,757 --> 00:34:55,887
No, I haven't! I haven't
got time to do that.
670
00:34:55,973 --> 00:34:58,368
I'll be dead by the time
I've finished.
671
00:34:58,597 --> 00:35:00,512
I've got 14,200.
672
00:35:02,856 --> 00:35:04,691
- James!
- What, about hours?
673
00:35:04,777 --> 00:35:05,722
Yeah.
674
00:35:05,808 --> 00:35:07,840
That's a week on Tuesday!
675
00:35:08,817 --> 00:35:12,332
May, the whole point
of this exercise...
676
00:35:12,417 --> 00:35:14,532
is you think
of the bloody number!
677
00:35:14,617 --> 00:35:18,988
"It's the rest of my life, I better not
think of a big number, I'll be modest."
678
00:35:19,074 --> 00:35:21,152
Well, I'm gonna be pleasantly
surprised, hopefully.
679
00:35:21,237 --> 00:35:22,371
- I think...
- Next week.
680
00:35:22,457 --> 00:35:24,831
I think we can probably end
Conversation Street there
681
00:35:24,917 --> 00:35:27,199
on James May's sad demise.
682
00:35:27,387 --> 00:35:29,277
Any minute now.
683
00:35:29,625 --> 00:35:33,051
I wanna talk about the BMW
M5, which has always been,
684
00:35:33,137 --> 00:35:36,512
as I'm sure we all know
in here, the ultimate Q car.
685
00:35:36,598 --> 00:35:40,473
It is a fizzing lunatic in
a Geoffrey Chaucer suit.
686
00:35:40,590 --> 00:35:43,492
However, the new M5
has turbo-charging,
687
00:35:43,577 --> 00:35:45,532
so it's kind to polar bears.
688
00:35:45,617 --> 00:35:48,394
And it has four-wheel drive,
so it's safe.
689
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:51,392
And it has an automatic gearbox,
and that's all very nice.
690
00:35:51,477 --> 00:35:53,926
But is it what we want?
691
00:35:55,217 --> 00:35:56,512
Let me, first of all,
692
00:35:56,597 --> 00:36:00,863
explain the basic recipe
for a BMW M5.
693
00:36:02,417 --> 00:36:06,012
It's a four-door saloon
with a boot at the back,
694
00:36:06,097 --> 00:36:08,912
space for five businessmen
in the middle
695
00:36:08,997 --> 00:36:13,113
and a monstrously powerful
engine at the front.
696
00:36:16,777 --> 00:36:19,660
That's the main thing
about an M5.
697
00:36:19,746 --> 00:36:23,465
It must be extremely fast.
698
00:36:28,164 --> 00:36:30,363
And this one, they say...
699
00:36:31,084 --> 00:36:33,308
is the fastest ever.
700
00:36:36,875 --> 00:36:39,291
So I've just pulled up
alongside someone
701
00:36:39,377 --> 00:36:41,032
in his lightweight
running gear
702
00:36:41,117 --> 00:36:44,052
and his AMG training shoes.
703
00:36:44,137 --> 00:36:46,871
Whereas I am in
a stout pair of Brogues
704
00:36:47,090 --> 00:36:50,772
and some heavy
moleskin trousers.
705
00:36:50,857 --> 00:36:53,182
Which means
I'm gonna lose.
706
00:36:54,044 --> 00:36:55,785
Or am I?
707
00:37:04,777 --> 00:37:07,012
Oh, that hurts!
708
00:37:07,098 --> 00:37:10,348
That was 0 to 60
in three seconds.
709
00:37:11,457 --> 00:37:13,699
I can't get my head forward!
710
00:37:14,662 --> 00:37:18,223
That's 100 miles an hour
in about seven seconds.
711
00:37:19,454 --> 00:37:21,121
120.
712
00:37:22,310 --> 00:37:25,512
130 miles an hour
as I cross the line.
713
00:37:28,697 --> 00:37:31,105
'Tis unbelievable, that.
714
00:37:31,232 --> 00:37:35,762
The cheap, heavy,
four-door saloon
715
00:37:35,937 --> 00:37:38,340
just beat the sports car.
716
00:37:39,497 --> 00:37:41,973
That's an M5's job.
717
00:37:45,737 --> 00:37:47,832
On the face of it, then,
the new version
718
00:37:47,917 --> 00:37:51,730
seems to tick all the
important M5 boxes.
719
00:37:51,816 --> 00:37:56,293
It's sensible and
thanks to 592 horsepower,
720
00:37:56,449 --> 00:37:58,852
it is Ferrari fast.
721
00:37:58,988 --> 00:38:02,712
But what about the turbochargers
and the automatic gearbox?
722
00:38:02,988 --> 00:38:05,746
And what about
the all-wheel drive system?
723
00:38:05,887 --> 00:38:08,941
Does all that mean
it's no longer capable
724
00:38:09,027 --> 00:38:12,144
of being
a swivel-eyed lunatic?
725
00:38:12,977 --> 00:38:15,394
No. Not really.
726
00:38:25,137 --> 00:38:29,207
Yes, because a great deal
of work has been done
727
00:38:29,293 --> 00:38:32,762
to completely eliminate
under-steer...
728
00:38:32,990 --> 00:38:34,405
as you can see.
729
00:38:34,491 --> 00:38:37,949
The steering does feel
a bit weird.
730
00:38:42,017 --> 00:38:44,777
And yes, because
the engine is turbocharged,
731
00:38:44,863 --> 00:38:48,441
the soundtrack
is a bit muted.
732
00:38:50,099 --> 00:38:54,996
It's like listening to someone
play the bass... in the next room.
733
00:38:55,220 --> 00:38:56,675
But other than that...
734
00:39:01,617 --> 00:39:05,324
I mean, there must be
turbo lag. There has to be.
735
00:39:06,017 --> 00:39:07,942
But I can't feel it.
736
00:39:08,817 --> 00:39:10,972
And the automatic gearbox
737
00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:13,730
must change more slowly
than it would
738
00:39:13,816 --> 00:39:15,947
if it were
a double-clutch system.
739
00:39:16,033 --> 00:39:17,173
But...
740
00:39:19,038 --> 00:39:21,496
Still feels
pretty speedy to me.
741
00:39:23,915 --> 00:39:27,457
And even though
all four wheels are driven...
742
00:39:28,019 --> 00:39:30,254
it can still do this.
743
00:39:36,013 --> 00:39:37,723
Holy shit!
744
00:39:41,097 --> 00:39:44,492
If you wanted to do this
all the time,
745
00:39:44,577 --> 00:39:48,840
you can actually turn off
the four-wheel drive system.
746
00:39:48,926 --> 00:39:51,137
Seriously,
you can turn it off!
747
00:39:51,223 --> 00:39:53,457
Just have it
in rear-drive only,
748
00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:56,090
behave like a complete yobbo.
749
00:40:02,427 --> 00:40:07,342
And that's just the start
of the M5's adaptability.
750
00:40:07,537 --> 00:40:11,277
You can choose how much
traction control you'd like.
751
00:40:11,363 --> 00:40:12,644
You can choose...
752
00:40:12,757 --> 00:40:16,012
how sporty and responsive
you want the engine to be,
753
00:40:16,176 --> 00:40:18,176
how uncomfortable
you'd like the ride to be,
754
00:40:18,262 --> 00:40:20,457
how meaty you'd like
the steering to be,
755
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,980
how quickly you want it
to change gear
756
00:40:23,066 --> 00:40:25,605
and what you want
on the head-up display.
757
00:40:25,691 --> 00:40:28,129
You can even choose
what sort of noise
758
00:40:28,215 --> 00:40:29,772
you want the exhaust to make.
759
00:40:29,982 --> 00:40:31,277
Ooh, and look at this one.
760
00:40:31,363 --> 00:40:33,746
This menu allows me to choose
761
00:40:33,832 --> 00:40:36,965
what fragrance comes out of
the air-conditioning vents.
762
00:40:37,051 --> 00:40:39,176
I can have the Blue Suite,
763
00:40:39,262 --> 00:40:42,269
which is a waft
of pure water pearls.
764
00:40:42,355 --> 00:40:44,058
Or I can have this one,
765
00:40:44,144 --> 00:40:48,293
which gives me a golden
shower of fiery aromas.
766
00:40:48,450 --> 00:40:52,074
And this is all very
Pacific Rim. It's very CGI.
767
00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:54,168
And that's great.
768
00:40:56,697 --> 00:40:58,738
But the truth
of the matter is
769
00:40:58,824 --> 00:41:00,912
that the 50-something
businessman
770
00:41:00,997 --> 00:41:02,215
who'll buy this car
771
00:41:02,301 --> 00:41:04,699
will never change
the fragrance setting
772
00:41:04,785 --> 00:41:06,894
or any of the other stuff.
773
00:41:07,897 --> 00:41:11,441
He'll put it in four-wheel
drive comfort mode on day one
774
00:41:11,527 --> 00:41:14,801
and leave it there forever.
775
00:41:15,217 --> 00:41:17,772
And if he's going to do that,
776
00:41:17,857 --> 00:41:20,582
there may be
a better alternative.
777
00:41:22,247 --> 00:41:26,277
It's made by a German tuning
company called Alpina.
778
00:41:26,371 --> 00:41:31,426
And it's another take on what
a fast BMW should be like.
779
00:41:31,777 --> 00:41:33,512
It costs about
the same as an M5,
780
00:41:33,597 --> 00:41:40,332
and has a broadly similar 4.4
litre, twin turbo-charged V8.
781
00:41:40,417 --> 00:41:45,372
It also has four-wheel drive
and an automatic gearbox.
782
00:41:45,457 --> 00:41:49,965
However, this car was not
developed at a race track.
783
00:41:50,051 --> 00:41:52,777
The boss of Alpina says
if you engineer a car
784
00:41:52,863 --> 00:41:54,024
to be good
at the Nurburgring,
785
00:41:54,256 --> 00:41:57,241
it won't be any good
on the road.
786
00:41:57,937 --> 00:42:01,066
And he may have a point
on that.
787
00:42:02,817 --> 00:42:07,012
So instead of making the front
suspension firm and racy,
788
00:42:07,097 --> 00:42:10,465
they tuned it to be able
to deal with potholes.
789
00:42:11,497 --> 00:42:13,232
Then they changed
the steering
790
00:42:13,317 --> 00:42:16,312
so it would corner
more like an airliner
791
00:42:16,397 --> 00:42:19,412
and less like an F-16.
792
00:42:19,497 --> 00:42:22,012
Inside,
they gave it blue dials
793
00:42:22,106 --> 00:42:25,121
and a thinner steering wheel
and softer leather.
794
00:42:25,371 --> 00:42:26,932
And look at this.
795
00:42:27,017 --> 00:42:30,598
Something you don't get
in the standard M5.
796
00:42:31,030 --> 00:42:33,551
It's a comfort plus setting,
797
00:42:33,707 --> 00:42:36,566
in which the 50-something
businessman
798
00:42:36,652 --> 00:42:40,852
can spend his life
wafting about.
799
00:42:40,937 --> 00:42:45,152
But don't think that the
basic fast BMW recipe
800
00:42:45,237 --> 00:42:46,992
has been ruined.
801
00:42:47,459 --> 00:42:50,564
Because it really hasn't.
802
00:42:52,057 --> 00:42:55,152
It actually produces
600 horsepower.
803
00:42:55,238 --> 00:42:57,285
That's more than you get
from the M5.
804
00:42:57,371 --> 00:42:59,062
It has more torque too.
805
00:43:00,257 --> 00:43:02,660
And there's no nanny limiter.
806
00:43:02,746 --> 00:43:07,152
So this will do
205 miles an hour.
807
00:43:10,257 --> 00:43:12,613
Does this mean, then,
that on a track,
808
00:43:12,699 --> 00:43:14,612
the comfort wagon can keep up
809
00:43:14,697 --> 00:43:17,707
with the ultimate
sports saloon?
810
00:43:29,707 --> 00:43:32,349
Well, even though
it was fun finding out...
811
00:43:38,737 --> 00:43:41,730
the answer is no.
Not quite.
812
00:43:41,816 --> 00:43:47,887
The M5 is tauter, more nailed
down, more on it, somehow.
813
00:43:48,675 --> 00:43:51,355
So on a track,
make no mistake,
814
00:43:51,441 --> 00:43:53,847
the M5 will pull away.
815
00:43:53,933 --> 00:43:56,808
In fact, it is doing.
816
00:43:58,567 --> 00:43:59,902
We're both cats.
817
00:43:59,988 --> 00:44:05,262
It's just that he's a cheetah
and I'm a lion.
818
00:44:07,364 --> 00:44:10,449
If, then, you care about
shaving tenths of a second
819
00:44:10,535 --> 00:44:12,762
off your lap time
at a racetrack...
820
00:44:13,966 --> 00:44:16,291
you're better off
with an M5.
821
00:44:19,457 --> 00:44:23,574
But for going home on the M4
in the real world,
822
00:44:23,660 --> 00:44:25,879
which is what
I'm about to do,
823
00:44:25,992 --> 00:44:28,297
I'd rather use the Alpina.
824
00:44:30,024 --> 00:44:31,709
So I shall.
825
00:44:37,897 --> 00:44:40,592
Very interesting...
interesting observations.
826
00:44:40,677 --> 00:44:41,732
Very nice.
827
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:43,918
So, um...
828
00:44:44,417 --> 00:44:48,160
So after all of that, you
would have the worse car?
829
00:44:48,441 --> 00:44:49,722
Well, yes, cos it's better.
830
00:44:49,808 --> 00:44:52,712
- It sounds better to me, I've gotta say.
- Says the voice of speed.
831
00:44:52,797 --> 00:44:58,058
Tell you what, let's find out how
fast the M5 goes round the Eboladrome.
832
00:44:59,757 --> 00:45:01,715
And it's off.
833
00:45:01,957 --> 00:45:04,957
She held it against
the brakes for a snappy start
834
00:45:05,043 --> 00:45:06,926
and clearly it's worked!
835
00:45:07,069 --> 00:45:08,964
Flying onto
the Isn't Straight there.
836
00:45:09,050 --> 00:45:11,305
Ooh, look, it's a bit damp.
837
00:45:11,577 --> 00:45:14,910
Right, having to work
at the fat steering wheel.
838
00:45:15,012 --> 00:45:18,852
Whoomph from the four
exhausts on the up-change.
839
00:45:19,012 --> 00:45:22,785
And now plunging into Your Name
Here looking a little edgy.
840
00:45:23,077 --> 00:45:26,572
But then this is nearly
a two-tonne car.
841
00:45:26,657 --> 00:45:31,272
Heaves forward under braking, but
keeping it all in check in the corner.
842
00:45:31,357 --> 00:45:35,144
And now, back on the power.
843
00:45:35,577 --> 00:45:40,572
Spooling up both turbos
for the fast return run.
844
00:45:40,762 --> 00:45:44,043
Looking good. Ooh, dabbing off
a bit of speed at the midpoint.
845
00:45:44,512 --> 00:45:46,910
And ready?
Yep, really hard
846
00:45:46,996 --> 00:45:49,918
on the brakes
for Old Lady's House.
847
00:45:50,020 --> 00:45:52,832
This is where understeer
will show itself.
848
00:45:53,168 --> 00:45:57,691
But, no, looking tidy.
Not bad for such a heifer.
849
00:45:57,777 --> 00:46:01,292
Taking no prisoners
on the blast to Substation.
850
00:46:01,777 --> 00:46:03,582
Torturing the Pirellis
through there.
851
00:46:03,668 --> 00:46:05,800
Just Field of Sheep to go.
852
00:46:06,011 --> 00:46:09,636
Tidy through there
and across the line.
853
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:12,537
It did look quick.
854
00:46:12,623 --> 00:46:15,345
It looks quick but it
looks like it's heavy.
855
00:46:15,572 --> 00:46:16,827
It does look heavy.
856
00:46:17,457 --> 00:46:19,363
Anyway, there's the lap board
857
00:46:19,449 --> 00:46:22,363
and we can see the old M5,
look, down there:
858
00:46:22,449 --> 00:46:25,052
17th place, one minute 24.2.
859
00:46:25,137 --> 00:46:27,912
Uh, so let's see where
the new one goes.
860
00:46:27,997 --> 00:46:29,332
Is it quicker?
861
00:46:29,417 --> 00:46:30,512
- Ooh, it is.
- Yes.
862
00:46:30,597 --> 00:46:33,812
Ooh, my word,
four seconds faster.
863
00:46:33,897 --> 00:46:35,402
That's staggering, isn't it?
864
00:46:35,543 --> 00:46:37,452
That's absolutely amazing.
865
00:46:37,537 --> 00:46:41,972
Now, and I have to say, uh, we did, um...
we did time the Alpina,
866
00:46:42,057 --> 00:46:43,832
but we haven't, uh,
we haven't filmed it.
867
00:46:44,043 --> 00:46:46,312
- Why not?
- Well, cos it's gonna be slower.
868
00:46:46,397 --> 00:46:48,212
It is.
869
00:46:48,297 --> 00:46:50,472
You are gonna look
such an arse if it isn't.
870
00:46:52,377 --> 00:46:54,172
I am, but it won't be.
871
00:46:54,257 --> 00:46:56,632
Let's find out.
Let's see where it goes.
872
00:46:56,717 --> 00:46:58,492
This is the Alpina.
873
00:46:58,577 --> 00:47:01,072
There you go. You see?
Slower. As I said.
874
00:47:01,157 --> 00:47:02,952
But 1:21.6, not bad. Not bad.
875
00:47:03,037 --> 00:47:06,652
So if you do want
a taut, fast, super saloon,
876
00:47:06,871 --> 00:47:09,172
his advice is get
the flabbier, slower one.
877
00:47:09,257 --> 00:47:11,308
- Yeah, it's better.
- This really is some clear
878
00:47:11,394 --> 00:47:13,121
- buying advice again this week.
- It is.
879
00:47:13,207 --> 00:47:16,035
Anyway, let's get on to some actual
clear buying advice, uh, shall we?
880
00:47:16,121 --> 00:47:18,912
- Let's get back to our film in Scotland.
- Mm-hm.
881
00:47:18,997 --> 00:47:22,800
Tonight, we are doing, uh, a
tour of the North Coast 500,
882
00:47:22,886 --> 00:47:24,072
around the top of Scotland,
883
00:47:24,157 --> 00:47:27,082
in some beautiful
Italian classic cars.
884
00:47:27,168 --> 00:47:28,932
And a Fiat X19.
885
00:47:29,017 --> 00:47:31,375
Well, yes, but you two had
both had mechanical issues.
886
00:47:31,532 --> 00:47:34,047
- Yes.
- Yeah, we did, but we still had hope in
887
00:47:34,133 --> 00:47:36,828
our hearts that things
would get better.
888
00:47:45,334 --> 00:47:49,432
As we cruised along, our
Italian classics, and the Fiat,
889
00:47:49,518 --> 00:47:53,074
continued to provide
unexpected entertainment.
890
00:47:54,291 --> 00:47:56,472
I'm gonna show you a
fantastic feature on this car.
891
00:47:56,582 --> 00:47:58,382
Here are the heating
and ventilation controls.
892
00:47:58,484 --> 00:48:00,785
I've got it on warm
because it's a cold day.
893
00:48:00,871 --> 00:48:04,394
But look what happens when I
press the air-conditioning button.
894
00:48:05,027 --> 00:48:06,492
It's haunted!
895
00:48:06,668 --> 00:48:08,072
Did you see that?
896
00:48:08,157 --> 00:48:09,339
Look.
897
00:48:09,430 --> 00:48:11,725
Hm, I think
I'll cool myself down.
898
00:48:17,337 --> 00:48:19,632
My head itches
because of this hat.
899
00:48:19,717 --> 00:48:22,394
But if I take it off,
I'll freeze to death.
900
00:48:22,684 --> 00:48:27,199
Soon, Hammond insisted
we stop for a cup of tea...
901
00:48:27,316 --> 00:48:30,331
to ward off his hypothermia.
902
00:48:30,737 --> 00:48:33,855
- I've had a thought.
- That's very uncharacteristic of you.
903
00:48:33,941 --> 00:48:34,992
I was gonna say,
first time ever.
904
00:48:35,077 --> 00:48:37,152
No, this is based on
experience and knowledge.
905
00:48:37,347 --> 00:48:40,152
Right, problem with the NC500
going all way round here,
906
00:48:40,237 --> 00:48:41,772
we miss this bit.
907
00:48:41,857 --> 00:48:43,172
We're here, right?
908
00:48:43,257 --> 00:48:44,812
And we miss this road,
909
00:48:44,897 --> 00:48:47,332
which I have driven
and it is breath-taking.
910
00:48:47,417 --> 00:48:50,352
Not just the scenery, which is
incredible, but the actual road itself.
911
00:48:50,437 --> 00:48:52,432
I'm sorry, but if we
just go along here...
912
00:48:52,517 --> 00:48:53,732
Yeah?
913
00:48:53,817 --> 00:48:57,212
We're not exactly
doing the NC500, are we?
914
00:48:57,297 --> 00:49:02,912
No, but what if we create our own
route and claim it for The Grand Tour.
915
00:49:02,997 --> 00:49:08,412
We could call that the Scottish
Highlands Intermediate Tour.
916
00:49:08,497 --> 00:49:11,632
- How far is it?
- Uh, it's about 287 miles if we do that.
917
00:49:11,717 --> 00:49:15,132
Scottish Highlands
Intermediate Tour 287, 2-8-7.
918
00:49:15,217 --> 00:49:17,632
It would be the sh... No, hang
on, that doesn't work, does it?
919
00:49:17,717 --> 00:49:19,592
Piloting Extremely Nicely
In Scotland.
920
00:49:19,677 --> 00:49:21,372
- 2-8-7.
- Yeah.
921
00:49:21,457 --> 00:49:26,252
So the Piloting Extremely Nicely
In Scotland 2-8-7. That would do.
922
00:49:26,337 --> 00:49:28,702
You see? That's your
second thought of the day.
923
00:49:29,817 --> 00:49:32,732
It's cos of the hat.
924
00:49:32,817 --> 00:49:35,992
With the new route
sorted out, we set off.
925
00:49:36,077 --> 00:49:40,632
And it turned out that it wasn't
quite like Hammond had said.
926
00:49:40,717 --> 00:49:43,662
It was much, much better.
927
00:49:50,417 --> 00:49:52,417
Holy moly.
928
00:49:55,617 --> 00:49:58,132
Och aye the view.
929
00:49:58,217 --> 00:50:00,542
It's amaz... Look at it.
930
00:50:03,417 --> 00:50:05,742
I mean, it's...
This is heaven.
931
00:50:08,497 --> 00:50:11,632
And not just the scenery,
which is magnificent;
932
00:50:11,717 --> 00:50:16,612
the road itself,
the twists, turns, surface.
933
00:50:16,697 --> 00:50:18,392
You have to get the right
ingredients together
934
00:50:18,477 --> 00:50:20,072
in the right order
in the right place.
935
00:50:20,157 --> 00:50:22,372
It's a complicated thing.
936
00:50:22,457 --> 00:50:24,392
A really fabulous road.
937
00:50:24,477 --> 00:50:26,782
But this manages it.
938
00:50:28,217 --> 00:50:30,742
Absolutely glorious.
939
00:50:40,947 --> 00:50:47,121
Oh, the PENIS287 is really
coming up trumps here.
940
00:50:56,937 --> 00:51:01,004
God, I bet my car looks elegant
going through this scenery.
941
00:51:11,177 --> 00:51:15,392
This is what the GTV6
was built to do.
942
00:51:15,477 --> 00:51:17,793
Open sweeping roads.
943
00:51:20,377 --> 00:51:24,032
Nothing but the sound of
that V6 howling away.
944
00:51:33,937 --> 00:51:35,668
Ah.
945
00:51:36,363 --> 00:51:39,925
This is what driving
is all about.
946
00:51:40,027 --> 00:51:41,808
This is the dream.
947
00:51:43,417 --> 00:51:46,452
In fact,
the moment was so magical,
948
00:51:46,537 --> 00:51:52,129
it had taken my mind off something
that had been troubling me all day.
949
00:51:52,497 --> 00:51:55,293
Today is the 11th of
April and I don't wanna
950
00:51:55,379 --> 00:51:59,184
sound like Eeyore,
but it's my birthday.
951
00:51:59,377 --> 00:52:01,974
And those two
haven't remembered.
952
00:52:06,137 --> 00:52:08,392
All of the crew
have said happy birthday.
953
00:52:08,477 --> 00:52:10,712
The director
said happy birthday.
954
00:52:10,797 --> 00:52:13,462
James and Richard?
Nothing.
955
00:52:17,427 --> 00:52:19,532
Ullapool, 26 miles.
956
00:52:19,617 --> 00:52:25,032
Ullapool, I might be able to get
the prop shaft balanced there.
957
00:52:25,117 --> 00:52:27,709
That's quite a big town.
958
00:52:28,137 --> 00:52:31,712
Guys, how far are
we from the hotel now? Do you know?
959
00:52:31,797 --> 00:52:33,892
About 30 miles, 35.
960
00:52:33,977 --> 00:52:36,677
Well, as it's not late,
I'm gonna dive into Ullapool
961
00:52:36,763 --> 00:52:38,732
and see if I can get
my prop shaft balanced.
962
00:52:38,817 --> 00:52:41,232
You're gonna what?
It's vibrating
963
00:52:41,318 --> 00:52:42,692
and it will hurt the car,
964
00:52:42,777 --> 00:52:44,792
so I want to just
get it balanced up
965
00:52:44,877 --> 00:52:47,474
and I'll see you
at the hotel later on.
966
00:52:47,623 --> 00:52:51,812
That is uncharacteristically conscientious
of Jeremy, to want to go and mend his car.
967
00:52:51,897 --> 00:52:54,192
But it's actually very
convenient for me and Hammond.
968
00:52:54,277 --> 00:52:57,292
We've got something in mind.
969
00:52:57,377 --> 00:53:00,712
The thing is, we hadn't
forgotten it was his birthday.
970
00:53:00,797 --> 00:53:04,192
And with him gone,
we could shoot ahead...
971
00:53:04,277 --> 00:53:07,302
and set up
his surprise party.
972
00:53:08,137 --> 00:53:09,552
Balloons coming in.
973
00:53:09,637 --> 00:53:11,490
Ooh, this is nice.
974
00:53:11,576 --> 00:53:16,131
Right, loosen it off.
975
00:53:16,497 --> 00:53:20,392
And that will allow the prop shaft
to settle where it wants to settle.
976
00:53:20,477 --> 00:53:24,432
While the short-sighted
orangutan ruined his car,
977
00:53:24,517 --> 00:53:28,292
I was busy in the kitchen.
978
00:53:28,377 --> 00:53:31,511
For Jeremy's birthday
feast, I am preparing
979
00:53:31,597 --> 00:53:34,432
his favourite dish,
spaghetti bolognese.
980
00:53:34,517 --> 00:53:40,302
But as it's his birthday and as we are
here, I'm gonna give it a Scottish twist.
981
00:53:50,097 --> 00:53:53,152
Pasta and sauce are ready.
He'd love that.
982
00:53:53,237 --> 00:53:56,872
But now is where I
give it a Scottish twist.
983
00:53:56,957 --> 00:54:00,502
Pop it in, back
for that in a minute.
984
00:54:01,457 --> 00:54:03,872
Now, this should be ready.
985
00:54:03,957 --> 00:54:06,492
Oh, yeah.
986
00:54:06,577 --> 00:54:08,512
And this is where
it gets Scottish.
987
00:54:08,597 --> 00:54:13,552
Very carefully, you pop it
in the flour like this.
988
00:54:13,637 --> 00:54:15,212
Sprinkle it.
989
00:54:15,297 --> 00:54:18,352
Keeping it together as best you can.
The grilling has helped.
990
00:54:18,437 --> 00:54:20,572
And now into this.
991
00:54:20,657 --> 00:54:23,368
Good coating all over.
992
00:54:25,537 --> 00:54:28,892
Drop that as carefully
as I can in there.
993
00:54:28,977 --> 00:54:31,472
Pop it in the oil.
994
00:54:31,557 --> 00:54:32,772
Oh, yeah.
995
00:54:32,857 --> 00:54:35,182
Yes, I am doing that.
996
00:54:38,217 --> 00:54:42,696
I'd say... that is ready.
997
00:54:44,897 --> 00:54:46,612
Oh, yeah.
998
00:54:46,697 --> 00:54:48,032
That will do nicely.
999
00:54:48,117 --> 00:54:49,952
And there it is.
1000
00:54:50,037 --> 00:54:52,626
Spaghetti Mc-Bolognese.
1001
00:54:52,937 --> 00:54:57,432
Whilst Richard was battering
and deep-frying everything in sight...
1002
00:54:57,517 --> 00:55:00,492
In you go, my wee beauties.
1003
00:55:00,577 --> 00:55:02,692
I was organising
the guests,
1004
00:55:02,777 --> 00:55:06,712
who were now all here and
waiting for the birthday boy.
1005
00:55:09,257 --> 00:55:11,689
Ooh, ooh, hello, here it is.
1006
00:55:12,157 --> 00:55:13,486
Here it is...
1007
00:55:13,997 --> 00:55:17,452
Oh, Countach,
1008
00:55:17,537 --> 00:55:20,292
Lancia 832,
1009
00:55:20,377 --> 00:55:24,862
There's obviously some kind of
classic car meeting going on.
1010
00:55:25,287 --> 00:55:27,612
Oh, wait a minute.
1011
00:55:29,457 --> 00:55:31,532
I can't believe it.
1012
00:55:31,617 --> 00:55:33,652
I cannot believe it.
1013
00:55:33,737 --> 00:55:36,372
- You remembered.
- Of course we remembered.
1014
00:55:36,457 --> 00:55:38,792
Actually, it's better than that,
we're having a party for you.
1015
00:55:38,877 --> 00:55:41,182
No, but, James...
1016
00:55:45,617 --> 00:55:49,012
There's a classic car meet
going on.
1017
00:55:49,097 --> 00:55:51,372
No, they're your guests.
1018
00:55:51,457 --> 00:55:52,712
For your birthday party.
1019
00:55:52,797 --> 00:55:55,372
- It's a 3.2 as well.
- Ohhh.
1020
00:55:55,457 --> 00:55:59,752
You have invited classic car
enthusiasts to my birthday party?
1021
00:55:59,837 --> 00:56:02,492
Italian
classic car enthusiasts.
1022
00:56:02,577 --> 00:56:04,652
- Who will talk about differentials.
- Yes.
1023
00:56:04,737 --> 00:56:07,009
- Production numbers and chassis numbers.
- Yes, exactly.
1024
00:56:07,095 --> 00:56:10,130
I've gotta go and sort out the
music, so I'll see you in a bit.
1025
00:56:10,357 --> 00:56:11,832
- Music?
- Yeah.
1026
00:56:11,917 --> 00:56:14,222
It's a party.
1027
00:56:14,946 --> 00:56:17,512
The finishing touch.
1028
00:56:17,597 --> 00:56:18,892
Garnish.
1029
00:56:18,977 --> 00:56:23,696
Because we eat with our eyes.
1030
00:56:26,097 --> 00:56:29,992
As it turned out, the classic
car enthusiasts were lovely people.
1031
00:56:30,077 --> 00:56:33,552
With some even lovelier cars.
1032
00:56:33,637 --> 00:56:35,412
Look at that.
1033
00:56:35,497 --> 00:56:39,092
D'you know,
I've never driven an 832.
1034
00:56:39,177 --> 00:56:42,431
However, talking to them
proved to be quite tricky.
1035
00:56:42,517 --> 00:56:45,510
Were they not on their way to America and
then got here and just thought, this'll...
1036
00:56:45,595 --> 00:56:47,612
do.
1037
00:56:47,697 --> 00:56:50,182
♪ Happy Birthday
1038
00:56:56,377 --> 00:56:59,432
Still, it could be worse.
And then it was.
1039
00:56:59,611 --> 00:57:04,048
Because it was time to sit down
for Richard's Scottish dinner.
1040
00:57:04,317 --> 00:57:09,292
Battered spag bol, followed
by a deep-fried cake.
1041
00:57:17,257 --> 00:57:19,832
And then,
to round off the evening...
1042
00:57:19,917 --> 00:57:21,612
Oh, no.
1043
00:57:21,697 --> 00:57:24,492
James made
an interesting speech...
1044
00:57:24,577 --> 00:57:26,692
about all the cars I'd owned.
1045
00:57:26,777 --> 00:57:28,752
To your ears as car
enthusiasts, is it not?
1046
00:57:29,032 --> 00:57:33,992
But quite soon, Jeremy moved on
from the VW Scirocco GLi mark 1
1047
00:57:34,077 --> 00:57:37,172
to a VW Scirocco GTi mark 2.
1048
00:57:37,257 --> 00:57:38,748
The registration number
of which was...
1049
00:57:38,834 --> 00:57:41,072
Now I've never known whether
you had the manual gearbox
1050
00:57:41,157 --> 00:57:45,212
or the first generation F1
semi-automatic shift. Which was it...
1051
00:57:45,297 --> 00:57:48,152
Very keen for you to know that
it wasn't a CSI, it was a CSL,
1052
00:57:48,237 --> 00:57:49,592
the difference being...
1053
00:57:49,677 --> 00:57:51,572
chromed wheel arch extensions
1054
00:57:51,657 --> 00:57:54,032
and different wheels, was it?
Or something like those stripes.
1055
00:57:54,117 --> 00:57:57,092
Alpina wheels
and it had aluminium doors.
1056
00:57:57,177 --> 00:57:58,305
Yes, of course,
it had the lightweight...
1057
00:57:58,391 --> 00:57:59,789
- Bullet in boot lid.
- Yes.
1058
00:58:00,197 --> 00:58:02,672
Ah, but this time
the V8 engine.
1059
00:58:02,757 --> 00:58:05,612
In dark blue,
or was it black?
1060
00:58:05,697 --> 00:58:07,512
Does anybody want to guess?
1061
00:58:10,657 --> 00:58:18,212
traditionalist at heart, as he is
today, drives a VW Golf GTI in grey.
1062
00:58:18,297 --> 00:58:19,992
- You missed the CLK Black.
- Jeremy Clarkson...
1063
00:58:20,077 --> 00:58:22,978
- The what?
- You missed the CLK Black.
1064
00:58:23,777 --> 00:58:26,532
No, it's not on this list.
Which researcher put together
1065
00:58:26,617 --> 00:58:28,112
this list of Jeremy's cars
through the ages?
1066
00:58:28,197 --> 00:58:29,792
You didn't even
write the speech?
1067
00:58:29,877 --> 00:58:31,372
Course I didn't.
1068
00:58:31,457 --> 00:58:34,040
This is the worst birthday
party I've ever had.
1069
00:58:34,138 --> 00:58:37,143
Come on, we made an effort.
Anyway, shall I get the bagpipes?
1070
00:58:39,817 --> 00:58:44,672
The next morning, we were
up and on the road bright and early.
1071
00:58:44,757 --> 00:58:50,892
This is the first April the 12th since
1972 that I haven't had a hangover.
1072
00:58:50,977 --> 00:58:56,342
Thanks to the world's worst party
organisers, Messieurs May and Hammond.
1073
00:59:01,897 --> 00:59:03,132
Oh, no.
1074
00:59:03,217 --> 00:59:05,542
The vibration is back.
1075
00:59:08,017 --> 00:59:11,982
Ahh, why can't I do anything?
1076
00:59:16,097 --> 00:59:19,812
But despite my problems,
the sun was shining.
1077
00:59:19,897 --> 00:59:23,262
And Scotland was
more spectacular than ever.
1078
00:59:42,777 --> 00:59:45,632
Hammond has redeemed himself
with this route.
1079
00:59:45,717 --> 00:59:47,932
He really has.
1080
00:59:48,017 --> 00:59:50,412
- Hammond.
- Hello, yes?
1081
00:59:50,497 --> 00:59:53,432
There's no getting around
the fact that your PENIS
1082
00:59:53,517 --> 00:59:57,712
is exactly the right length
and beautiful.
1083
00:59:57,797 --> 00:59:59,612
Well, thank you.
1084
00:59:59,697 --> 01:00:01,772
Would you agree, James May?
1085
01:00:01,857 --> 01:00:05,422
I would, yes. I hate to
have to admit it, but it's spot-on.
1086
01:00:08,057 --> 01:00:12,792
There were now only 50 miles
to go to the finish point on our loop.
1087
01:00:12,877 --> 01:00:16,832
So it felt like a good time
to sum up our wonderful cars.
1088
01:00:16,917 --> 01:00:19,222
And Richard's Fiat.
1089
01:00:21,057 --> 01:00:24,192
Some cars achieve classic
status because they're rare,
1090
01:00:24,277 --> 01:00:26,272
they're thoroughbreds
like those two.
1091
01:00:26,357 --> 01:00:30,312
And with that, you have to accept
they'll be delicate, temperamental.
1092
01:00:30,397 --> 01:00:35,392
Some cars achieve classic status
simply because they're really good.
1093
01:00:35,477 --> 01:00:41,032
The X1/9 was good when it was designed
and built first, and still is today.
1094
01:00:41,117 --> 01:00:45,892
Add to that that it cost me
just over £2,000.
1095
01:00:45,977 --> 01:00:48,982
Annoyingly, I've had a bit of
a problem with my headlight.
1096
01:00:49,897 --> 01:00:51,352
But then
it's developed a squint.
1097
01:00:51,437 --> 01:00:53,742
So it... Oh.
1098
01:00:54,977 --> 01:00:57,512
I think it looks
quite rakish.
1099
01:00:57,597 --> 01:00:59,432
Somehow piratical.
1100
01:00:59,517 --> 01:01:01,702
"Arrr!" Like that.
1101
01:01:03,297 --> 01:01:05,812
Rare,
interesting, beautiful -
1102
01:01:05,897 --> 01:01:08,472
those are the criteria by
which I think you should judge
1103
01:01:08,557 --> 01:01:10,712
whether or not a car
is a true classic.
1104
01:01:10,797 --> 01:01:14,612
It has to be at least two
of those things to qualify.
1105
01:01:14,697 --> 01:01:16,472
So let's have a look
at my Lancia.
1106
01:01:16,557 --> 01:01:19,372
Well,
it's definitely beautiful.
1107
01:01:19,457 --> 01:01:22,512
It's a truly superb
bit of car styling, this.
1108
01:01:22,597 --> 01:01:24,732
And it's rare.
1109
01:01:28,577 --> 01:01:30,912
I had a bit of a root about
online last night
1110
01:01:30,997 --> 01:01:34,535
and there are only two
of these Gamma Coupes
1111
01:01:34,621 --> 01:01:37,292
registered and on
the road in Britain.
1112
01:01:37,377 --> 01:01:39,152
And this is one of them.
1113
01:01:39,237 --> 01:01:43,062
This is 50%
of the whole thing.
1114
01:01:46,977 --> 01:01:50,542
When we finish these jobs
normally, the cars we've used go...
1115
01:01:51,737 --> 01:01:54,532
Actually, I've no idea
where they go.
1116
01:01:54,617 --> 01:01:56,392
But I know
where this one's going.
1117
01:01:56,477 --> 01:01:58,457
My house.
1118
01:02:00,657 --> 01:02:05,832
Because this car
is just heaven.
1119
01:02:05,917 --> 01:02:09,412
Absolute heaven.
1120
01:02:09,497 --> 01:02:14,372
Look at it and tell me you
can think of another car
1121
01:02:14,457 --> 01:02:19,982
anywhere on Earth for 10 grand
that you'd like more than this.
1122
01:02:25,454 --> 01:02:28,501
Only 11 miles to go now.
1123
01:02:28,589 --> 01:02:31,064
Will James May's engine
explode?
1124
01:02:31,297 --> 01:02:33,407
Apparently sunshine
does cause that.
1125
01:02:33,650 --> 01:02:35,172
James May,
1126
01:02:35,257 --> 01:02:36,872
do you think it will explode
1127
01:02:36,957 --> 01:02:39,525
before we get to Inverness
or just afterwards?
1128
01:02:39,977 --> 01:02:43,243
Sooner or later, you will have
to put your peevishness aside
1129
01:02:43,329 --> 01:02:45,501
and admit that I made
the right choice.
1130
01:02:45,603 --> 01:02:47,132
Oh-ho, no, you didn't.
1131
01:02:47,217 --> 01:02:49,556
Anyway, I wouldn't normally say
this, but I want to say
1132
01:02:49,696 --> 01:02:52,032
I'm very proud of you for
mending your prop shaft.
1133
01:02:52,117 --> 01:02:53,432
Well done, mate.
1134
01:02:53,517 --> 01:02:55,052
Thanks, yes, yes.
1135
01:02:55,137 --> 01:02:58,422
Is the car much better now
the vibration's gone?
1136
01:02:59,457 --> 01:03:01,232
No.
1137
01:03:01,317 --> 01:03:04,222
- Yes.
- Good.
1138
01:03:05,132 --> 01:03:06,817
He's bluffing.
1139
01:03:11,537 --> 01:03:15,732
Bidding a fond farewell
to Hammond's magnificent PENIS,
1140
01:03:15,817 --> 01:03:18,392
we got back to the town
where we'd started,
1141
01:03:18,477 --> 01:03:20,457
Inverness.
1142
01:03:21,737 --> 01:03:23,782
Mission accomplished.
1143
01:03:29,617 --> 01:03:37,332
Well, there we are. In just three days,
we have covered a staggering 287 miles.
1144
01:03:37,417 --> 01:03:39,972
Well, yours was on
an AA truck for a bit of it.
1145
01:03:40,057 --> 01:03:41,432
- Yeah, a little bit.
- Yeah.
1146
01:03:41,517 --> 01:03:44,772
But apart from one
catastrophic failure
1147
01:03:44,857 --> 01:03:48,232
that required somebody to
drive from Swindon in Wiltshire
1148
01:03:48,317 --> 01:03:50,932
all the way to Inverness
with a spare part...
1149
01:03:51,017 --> 01:03:53,127
Don't forget that my windscreen
wiper fell off as well.
1150
01:03:53,212 --> 01:03:54,635
Yeah, and one of
my headlamps is stuck.
1151
01:03:54,720 --> 01:03:56,329
Yeah, but apart from
those things,
1152
01:03:56,415 --> 01:03:59,423
we have proved
that it is still possible
1153
01:03:59,548 --> 01:04:03,332
to buy and enjoy
a classic car
1154
01:04:03,417 --> 01:04:05,532
even if you're quite poor.
1155
01:04:05,617 --> 01:04:07,052
Yeah, we should be
proud of that.
1156
01:04:07,137 --> 01:04:08,672
- Yeah, we should.
- Yeah.
1157
01:04:08,757 --> 01:04:10,952
With that,
back to the studio. Tent.
1158
01:04:11,037 --> 01:04:12,452
- Tent.
- Tent.
1159
01:04:12,537 --> 01:04:14,502
- Cos we're quite poor.
- Yes.
1160
01:04:17,617 --> 01:04:20,412
- Great trip.
- Yeah.
1161
01:04:20,497 --> 01:04:22,312
- It's, um...
- Yeah, it was good.
1162
01:04:22,397 --> 01:04:24,852
- What a trip.
- It's funny, isn't it?
1163
01:04:24,937 --> 01:04:27,876
It's funny, over the years we
have travelled the whole world
1164
01:04:27,962 --> 01:04:29,837
- looking for the best driving roads.
- Yeah.
1165
01:04:29,931 --> 01:04:32,232
And it turns out, it was just
next door all along.
1166
01:04:32,317 --> 01:04:36,432
I have to say, I don't want to say
this in front of our Scottish producer.
1167
01:04:36,517 --> 01:04:38,132
Do not name Gavin Whitehead.
1168
01:04:38,217 --> 01:04:39,432
No, I...
1169
01:04:39,517 --> 01:04:42,812
I shan't, but
that was just about
1170
01:04:42,897 --> 01:04:44,423
the best drive I've ever had.
1171
01:04:44,509 --> 01:04:47,452
That road, that scenery,
that Alfa.
1172
01:04:47,537 --> 01:04:49,537
- That party. OK.
- No, not the party.
1173
01:04:49,623 --> 01:04:53,131
Everything else was...
Well, it was perfection.
1174
01:04:53,217 --> 01:04:55,154
I do agree with you,
I thought it was spectacular,
1175
01:04:55,240 --> 01:04:56,872
but we should get back to
the point of this film,
1176
01:04:56,957 --> 01:05:01,105
which is that you can buy
an affordable classic car
1177
01:05:01,191 --> 01:05:03,412
that is also an investment.
1178
01:05:03,497 --> 01:05:06,222
Are you sure you wanna raise
this particular point, James?
1179
01:05:06,308 --> 01:05:08,112
Why don't you tell the
ladies and gentlemen
1180
01:05:08,198 --> 01:05:09,440
how it worked out
with your Lancia?
1181
01:05:09,526 --> 01:05:12,412
Well, OK, I spent 13 and a
half thousand pounds on the car
1182
01:05:12,497 --> 01:05:15,245
and when I got it home I discovered
the price of putting it right
1183
01:05:15,331 --> 01:05:17,522
was only £6,000.
1184
01:05:17,737 --> 01:05:21,011
So, you're investment
has gone down by 45%.
1185
01:05:21,097 --> 01:05:23,550
- Correct, yes.
- Mm, now my Alfa, as I said in the film,
1186
01:05:23,636 --> 01:05:25,171
I have brought it home
with me.
1187
01:05:25,477 --> 01:05:27,892
And since we made that,
1188
01:05:27,977 --> 01:05:30,752
which was April, so six
months, nine months ago,
1189
01:05:30,837 --> 01:05:33,732
uh, it's only cost £8,000.
1190
01:05:33,988 --> 01:05:35,203
In repairs.
1191
01:05:35,394 --> 01:05:37,552
So, your investment
has gone down by 80%.
1192
01:05:37,637 --> 01:05:40,052
- Yes, what about you?
- 100%.
1193
01:05:40,137 --> 01:05:41,252
Really?
1194
01:05:41,337 --> 01:05:42,952
Yeah, day after
we finished filming,
1195
01:05:43,037 --> 01:05:45,192
the engine blew,
car in the bin, all gone.
1196
01:05:46,817 --> 01:05:48,863
So, to conclude, then, s...
1197
01:05:48,949 --> 01:05:52,199
All of us have lost some money
and one of us has lost all of it.
1198
01:05:52,285 --> 01:05:53,252
- Yes, exactly.
- Yes.
1199
01:05:53,337 --> 01:05:55,032
And on that terrible
disappointment,
1200
01:05:55,117 --> 01:05:56,332
it is time to end.
1201
01:05:56,417 --> 01:05:58,632
I'm going home now
in my Alfa Romeo.
1202
01:05:58,717 --> 01:06:00,572
No, you're not.
1203
01:06:00,657 --> 01:06:02,632
- I only live over there.
- Yeah, we know.
1204
01:06:02,717 --> 01:06:04,412
Exactly, too far.
1205
01:06:04,497 --> 01:06:07,409
Whatever. Thanks for watching,
take care, see you next time. Bye.
1206
01:06:07,495 --> 01:06:10,276
Sync corrections by srjanapala