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*THE GRAND TOUR*
Season 03 Episode 10
Episode Title: "The Youth Vote"
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Hello, everybody.
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Hel-lo!
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- How you doing?
- Thank you.
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Thank you.
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- Thank you.
- Welcome.
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Thank you so much.
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Thank you and coming up in
this incredibly exciting show:
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a young woman
changes a wheel...
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...an older woman
drinks some lager...
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...and Richard
looks at a book.
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Look at that.
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However...
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However, we begin
with a film from James May,
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who's in his 80s.
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What?
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No, wait, sorry.
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We begin with a film from
James May about the '80s.
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Yes. Thank you.
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The '80s, a time of
marvellous excess,
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you know, Gordon Gekko
and big shoulder pads
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and of course
incredible supercar,
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the greatest of which,
without question,
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was this one.
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The Ferrari Testarossa...
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...was excess on wheels...
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...be it looks...
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...attitude...
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...or even size.
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When this car came out,
people were absolutely aghast
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at how wide this car was.
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I don't mean wide
like Del Boy,
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I mean wide as in width.
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It was enormous!
Especially at the back.
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And it simply oozed charisma
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from every one
of its slatted panels.
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It was unquestionably...
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...the only car that
could star in Miami Vice.
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In fact, Enzo Ferrari
loved that show so much,
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he actually gave its star,
Don Johnson,
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his own Testarossa.
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And Don was just the tip
of the celebrity iceberg.
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Rod Stewart had one,
Elton John had one,
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Mike Tyson had one,
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OJ Simpson had one.
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And presumably
wore driving gloves.
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The price of this car,
when it went on sale in 1985,
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was £62,666.
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That is, as I'm sure you
know, the number of the beast.
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And, when you unleashed
its five-litre V12...
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...it would do
180 miles an hour.
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That was an astonishing
figure for the time.
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It had the speed
and the celebrity fan base.
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But the Testarossa was not what
you'd call politically correct.
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Consider, for example,
that the window switches
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are tiny little things hidden
here on the centre console.
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Where you'd expect
them to be,
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that... well, obviously,
it's a huge ashtray.
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In fact, if they'd given
that a mirrored lid,
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it could have had two uses.
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If the 1980s were
the era of excess, then,
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well, this was
the perfect car for the era.
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I'm afraid Mr May has just
been wasting your time rather
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because that is not
the ultimate '80s supercar.
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This is.
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For sheer over-the-topness,
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nothing comes close to
the Lamborghini Countach.
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Alongside it,
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the Testarossa looks
like a family hatchback.
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If you think
the Ferrari is wide,
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this is even wider.
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And the Testarossa's doors
don't open like this.
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This version of the Countach,
the LP5000,
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was launched in 1985,
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specifically to put the
Testarossa back in its box.
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Its 48-valve,
5.2 litre-V12...
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...can take the Countach
to 186 miles an hour,
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or to be precise,
more than the Ferrari.
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In fact, in its day, this was the
fastest production car in the world.
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I've got a Kevlar bonnet,
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I've got rear tyres
the size of road rollers.
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We're talking
ultimate supercar here.
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And this incredible
machine...
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...came from a company that didn't
have half the resources of Ferrari.
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Let me give you an example.
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This car might look super
aerodynamic, like a missile.
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But in fact, it never saw
the inside of a wind tunnel.
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They couldn't afford
to put it in one.
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So instead, they ran a prototype
up and down the motorway,
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with bits of wool
stuck all over it.
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I love that!
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Oh, hello. Here he comes.
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The also-ran.
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Mr Silver Medallist.
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The trouble with
that Lamborghini is,
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it's a bit "all mouth
and no trousers."
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Fastest car in the world,
my arse!
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Even Lamborghini will admit
they ran slightly hooky cars
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when they did
the performance testing.
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They took the mirrors off and
stripped weight out of them.
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Absolute flim-flam.
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The thing is,
supercars, to me,
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are all about
being the ultimate.
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It doesn't matter what that is,
but it has to be an ultimate.
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And this is the ultimate
bedroom wall poster car.
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When I first saw
one of these as a kid,
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it lit a flame in my heart.
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And when I saw one today,
as a middle-aged man,
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that same flame
roared into life.
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Listen to that noise!
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It's like a gun going off!
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The problem is, the Lamborghini
Countach wasn't really a car.
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It wasn't really for
driving... but this was.
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It's got a proper boot,
a decent-sized fuel tank,
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it's got comfortable seats.
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It's actually a continent
crushing touring car.
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Eventually, we pulled over
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so we could continue
arguing face to chest.
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Oh, brakes on. Brilliant.
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On the line.
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Right.
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Oh, that's not...
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That doesn't help much
in there.
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You can't see behind you,
can you?
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I just want to be really
accurate and you can help.
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That's in the way
and that's in the way.
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That's why the early ones
had a periscope.
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I've got a better idea.
There's a cool thing I can do here.
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If you sit here
like... this...
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and then you can put it
in reverse, there...
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You're gonna run over
your own foot.
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- On no RPM. How cool is this?
- Yes, it is moving. Yes, yes.
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- I look pretty cool.
- You're all right.
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You're all right.
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- I'm in my car but not...
- Bit of left hand down.
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- What? Oh, yeah.
- Left hand down.
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It's like being out of the side
of a helicopter in Vietnam.
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It's that cool. Yeah.
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I was just explaining to the
viewers before we stopped
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what a sham this car is.
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That rear wing has no effect
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other than
to slow the car down
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and make the front go light
when you're at high speed.
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It's actually worse than that
cos it's illegal.
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They didn't have the money
to homologate it properly.
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So they'd build the cars
in the factory
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then wheel them out
into the car park
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and a man screwed them on
with a power drill.
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- Genuinely. And I love that about it!
- In the car park?
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In the car park, finished it off.
I love that!
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Why don't we tell the viewers how the
indicator stalk on your supercar...
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...comes
from a Morris Marina?
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Well, why don't
we talk about the fact
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that the electric door mirror
adjustors on yours
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are out of an Austin Montego?
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- I was hoping you didn't know that.
- I did.
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Ahem. Rod Stewart
had a Testarossa.
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Rod Stewart had a Countach.
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Oh, yeah.
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Unable to agree on anything,
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we decided to take a more
intellectual approach...
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by having a drag race.
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Now, on paper, the Lamborghini
is faster, definitely.
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But as we've already
observed,
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Lamborghini were a bit fast and
loose with their performance figures
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back in the day.
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So now, finally,
we can find out for real.
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However,
as we sat on the start line,
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something occurred to us.
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These are privately owned
cars, aren't they?
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Correct, yeah.
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Well, the thing is,
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Testarossas don't really
like standing starts,
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cos they tend to blow
their own differentials up.
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How much is
a new differential?
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It's £26,000.
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Actually, I'm quite glad
you've mentioned that.
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Because these don't like
standing starts either.
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It's those huge rear tyres.
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You get a fried clutch
and a split gearbox casing.
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How much does that cost?
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- £36,000.
- Ooh!
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So, in all,
that's £62,000 at risk.
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I know. I fancy something
we don't normally do,
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a rolling start drag race.
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00:11:00,365 --> 00:11:03,877
Yes, I do too! I've always wanted
to try a rolling start drag race.
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00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:07,470
And for some reason, today in
these cars, I prefer that option.
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So, when the light
went green,
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we gently pull away together.
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And then,
at the white line, floor it.
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Rolling start.
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Across the line and bin it!
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And they're off.
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He's getting away.
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What an astonishing feeling!
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Aww! An angry Countach!
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140...
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Agh!
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00:12:01,885 --> 00:12:03,780
There you go.
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00:12:03,935 --> 00:12:06,506
The bull has kicked
the horse's arse.
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00:12:07,885 --> 00:12:10,420
Even through that
ridiculously small window,
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00:12:10,505 --> 00:12:11,840
you look smug.
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00:12:11,925 --> 00:12:13,709
Oh, I am, mate,
because I won.
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00:12:13,795 --> 00:12:15,280
And it matters.
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00:12:15,365 --> 00:12:17,428
It does matter,
that's the annoying thing.
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00:12:17,514 --> 00:12:18,963
It really matters.
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00:12:20,873 --> 00:12:23,810
Legendary cars.
They are legends.
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00:12:24,365 --> 00:12:26,248
- Fabulous.
- It was a privilege, wasn't it?
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00:12:26,334 --> 00:12:28,040
- Special.
- Yeah.
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00:12:28,326 --> 00:12:31,920
A couple of things I think you
forgot to mention in that film.
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00:12:32,006 --> 00:12:33,240
The Countach.
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00:12:33,325 --> 00:12:35,460
The steering feels like
it's set in concrete,
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00:12:35,545 --> 00:12:37,927
so does the gear lever,
so do the pedals.
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00:12:38,013 --> 00:12:39,584
And if you use
the air conditioning,
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00:12:39,670 --> 00:12:42,638
it's like you're being
breathed on by a hot dog.
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00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,217
He is right about that.
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00:12:45,303 --> 00:12:49,732
And you can't talk either, cos
your roly-poly barge Testarossa
218
00:12:49,857 --> 00:12:53,865
was, as you said, driven
by a man from Miami Vice
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00:12:53,951 --> 00:12:56,060
who rolled
his jacket sleeves up.
220
00:12:56,146 --> 00:12:58,160
The Duke of Edinburgh
doesn't do that, does he?
221
00:12:58,245 --> 00:13:00,380
- Earl Haig doesn't do that.
- Hang on a minute!
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00:13:00,465 --> 00:13:03,099
- What?
- By attacking those cars,
223
00:13:03,185 --> 00:13:04,998
you are destroying
the very foundations
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00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:07,040
of everything we love
and hold precious.
225
00:13:07,125 --> 00:13:10,180
Mm-hm. And now it's time to
destroy them a little bit more
226
00:13:10,265 --> 00:13:14,460
by seeing how slowly those
cars go round The Eboladrome.
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00:13:16,584 --> 00:13:19,592
And it's off in a
clutch-slipping, smoky start.
228
00:13:19,678 --> 00:13:21,613
Ooh, it's wet.
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00:13:22,154 --> 00:13:24,910
And look at that lunging
and pitching there.
230
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As she heads on to the Isn't.
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00:13:28,192 --> 00:13:31,326
Having a look at the gear lever,
make sure it hasn't fallen off.
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00:13:31,412 --> 00:13:33,988
Sleeves very sensibly
rolled down.
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00:13:34,205 --> 00:13:37,162
Look at the body roll on it.
Okay. Here we go.
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00:13:37,248 --> 00:13:38,554
Oh, she's fighting
the wheel there.
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00:13:38,639 --> 00:13:43,099
More lean, as she lunges down
to Your Name Here.
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00:13:43,185 --> 00:13:45,719
It really is dodge,
duck, dip, dive.
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00:13:45,805 --> 00:13:49,279
It's like watching Dodgeball,
only slower.
238
00:13:49,365 --> 00:13:51,279
And less amusing.
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00:13:51,365 --> 00:13:53,935
Another glance down
at the gear lever.
240
00:13:54,021 --> 00:13:56,935
And now ringing out
that flat 12.
241
00:13:59,485 --> 00:14:02,500
Powerboating back towards
Old Lady's House
242
00:14:02,585 --> 00:14:04,910
in a wake of spray.
243
00:14:05,898 --> 00:14:07,899
I can't imagine
she's enjoying this.
244
00:14:07,985 --> 00:14:09,982
Right, hard on the brakes.
245
00:14:10,076 --> 00:14:12,380
Taking a wisely cautious
line in there.
246
00:14:12,465 --> 00:14:15,500
Has it stopped?
No, still moving, just.
247
00:14:15,585 --> 00:14:20,376
And now, yeah, lumbering
towards Substation.
248
00:14:20,547 --> 00:14:22,540
In fairness,
it does sound quite good.
249
00:14:24,025 --> 00:14:25,960
Very good, actually.
250
00:14:26,045 --> 00:14:28,820
Wallowing through there
like a Rolls-Royce Corniche.
251
00:14:28,905 --> 00:14:30,860
Just Field of Sheep to go.
252
00:14:30,945 --> 00:14:33,070
Yes, she's sliding it!
253
00:14:33,211 --> 00:14:35,310
And across the line.
254
00:14:37,328 --> 00:14:40,172
- She's nuts.
- That was absolutely nuts.
255
00:14:41,661 --> 00:14:45,328
Sliding a Testarossa, I wouldn't
do that for all the tea in China.
256
00:14:45,414 --> 00:14:47,260
Technical point that might
confuse the viewers.
257
00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:49,227
You just said,
"The roar from the flat 12,".
258
00:14:49,313 --> 00:14:50,352
- Yeah.
- Which is sort of
259
00:14:50,438 --> 00:14:51,516
right but I said, "V12,"
260
00:14:51,602 --> 00:14:54,055
which is also sort of right,
cos it's not a boxer.
261
00:14:54,141 --> 00:14:56,480
So it's a 180-degree
flat V12.
262
00:14:56,565 --> 00:14:58,133
- Like that.
- Literally not interested.
263
00:14:58,219 --> 00:14:59,880
It's a flat...
264
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:00,992
It's a flattish V12.
265
00:15:01,078 --> 00:15:04,259
Anyway, it's now time to
see how the Lambo got on.
266
00:15:06,195 --> 00:15:09,530
And it's a snappier start
for the Countach,
267
00:15:09,691 --> 00:15:14,391
mashing its fat rear tyres
into that sodden Tarmac.
268
00:15:14,688 --> 00:15:16,403
It really is sodden.
269
00:15:16,489 --> 00:15:18,984
A quick look down to make
sure it's in gear there.
270
00:15:19,070 --> 00:15:23,645
Now easing off through the
second curve on the straight.
271
00:15:24,047 --> 00:15:27,039
And back on the power
towards Your Name here.
272
00:15:27,195 --> 00:15:30,320
No need for Abbie
to go to the gym this week.
273
00:15:30,405 --> 00:15:33,953
She's getting all the workout
she needs in the Lambo.
274
00:15:34,617 --> 00:15:36,727
Turning in hard as she dare.
275
00:15:36,813 --> 00:15:41,070
Rear wing doing
absolutely nothing as usual.
276
00:15:42,754 --> 00:15:45,649
Ooh, I thought it
was gonna take off there!
277
00:15:45,968 --> 00:15:50,555
And now the joyless wrestle
back towards Old Lady's House.
278
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,086
Through the rain.
279
00:15:54,325 --> 00:15:57,438
A rush of the brakes, I felt,
at the mid-point there.
280
00:15:57,524 --> 00:16:01,479
Now, much harder braking
and down through the gears.
281
00:16:01,641 --> 00:16:05,594
It sounded like an angry
tractor at low revs.
282
00:16:05,883 --> 00:16:09,266
And now in the damp dash
towards Substation.
283
00:16:09,352 --> 00:16:11,016
That makes an even
better noise
284
00:16:11,102 --> 00:16:12,852
than the Ferrari, really.
285
00:16:13,077 --> 00:16:14,984
Brilliant.
Just two corners left.
286
00:16:15,070 --> 00:16:17,985
Will she get this one
sliding in Field of Sheep?
287
00:16:18,313 --> 00:16:21,380
Bit of a wiggle there but
through the Field of Sheep?
288
00:16:21,465 --> 00:16:24,102
No, and there we are,
across the line!
289
00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:28,230
- Brave.
- Brave.
290
00:16:28,976 --> 00:16:30,492
Right.
291
00:16:31,665 --> 00:16:35,820
Let's see where they go on
the board, Lamborghini first.
292
00:16:35,906 --> 00:16:37,589
Hang on, that's
the bottom of the board.
293
00:16:37,674 --> 00:16:39,410
They're not going
to the top, are they?
294
00:16:39,495 --> 00:16:41,510
See, look at that.
30th place.
295
00:16:41,596 --> 00:16:43,051
It's faster than
a Ford Fiesta.
296
00:16:43,137 --> 00:16:45,461
I mean, come on.
That's pretty good.
297
00:16:45,547 --> 00:16:47,648
That is tragically slow!
298
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:51,080
It was a long time ago!
299
00:16:51,165 --> 00:16:52,742
It doesn't look good,
does it?
300
00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:55,953
Honda Civic, Ford Focus,
they're all quicker.
301
00:16:56,039 --> 00:16:58,156
All right, one good thing is,
302
00:16:58,242 --> 00:17:01,891
the Testarossa can't be much
slower than that. Let's find out.
303
00:17:03,205 --> 00:17:05,550
My God!
304
00:17:06,648 --> 00:17:08,102
Oh, God!
305
00:17:08,188 --> 00:17:09,602
It is faster than the Up!
306
00:17:09,688 --> 00:17:11,876
And they're both in the wet
so that's a fair comparison.
307
00:17:11,961 --> 00:17:14,047
Loser, I believe.
308
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:16,437
Look, I think
we have to face facts here.
309
00:17:16,523 --> 00:17:18,320
They're two very slow cars.
310
00:17:18,406 --> 00:17:21,648
But at least
they are expensive
311
00:17:21,734 --> 00:17:23,406
and horrible to drive.
312
00:17:23,492 --> 00:17:30,062
Anyway, now it's time to
bite into a cake of debate,
313
00:17:30,148 --> 00:17:32,438
from the café of chat...
314
00:17:32,725 --> 00:17:36,060
on the corner of
Conversation Street.
315
00:17:48,771 --> 00:17:52,164
I think after 36 of those
we are running out of ideas.
316
00:17:52,345 --> 00:17:54,140
It was getting desperate.
317
00:17:54,225 --> 00:17:56,758
Now, any young people here,
318
00:17:56,844 --> 00:17:58,438
looking forward
to driving maybe one day?
319
00:17:58,523 --> 00:18:01,891
Thinking the future holds a
Ferrari for you, Lamborghini.
320
00:18:01,977 --> 00:18:03,828
Afraid not.
There's a company in Aberdeen
321
00:18:03,914 --> 00:18:07,120
who've decided that the future
actually will look like this.
322
00:18:07,205 --> 00:18:08,359
Oh, God.
323
00:18:08,452 --> 00:18:09,858
- Bloody hell.
- Really?
324
00:18:09,944 --> 00:18:10,857
Uh. They're not...
325
00:18:10,943 --> 00:18:12,914
- Electric?
- Yes. Here they are all.
326
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,360
Of course
they're electric, obviously.
327
00:18:14,445 --> 00:18:16,867
Range of 35 miles.
They're stackable cars.
328
00:18:16,953 --> 00:18:19,940
Wait, so they work like the
human centipede, then?
329
00:18:22,045 --> 00:18:24,060
Not exactly like that, no.
330
00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:25,920
No. No...
331
00:18:26,422 --> 00:18:27,695
No.
332
00:18:27,804 --> 00:18:30,141
What I mean is, they're all
connected together.
333
00:18:30,227 --> 00:18:32,289
Yeah, they're connected,
exactly. They're connected.
334
00:18:32,375 --> 00:18:35,040
- Hang on, what if you're in
the one in the middle, right? - Yeah.
335
00:18:35,125 --> 00:18:37,922
And you want to go a different
way to the one in the front.
336
00:18:38,008 --> 00:18:39,477
What are you gonna do?
337
00:18:39,563 --> 00:18:42,039
It's worse than that.
If you're in the middle
338
00:18:42,125 --> 00:18:43,860
and go a different way, you know,
you won't have any wheels.
339
00:18:43,945 --> 00:18:46,020
They'll be left attached to
the ones in the front and back.
340
00:18:46,105 --> 00:18:48,000
- There's not enough wheels.
- I just...
341
00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:50,540
I grant you, it looks ridiculous
that the front and back separate.
342
00:18:50,625 --> 00:18:52,008
"We've got no bloody wheels!"
343
00:18:52,094 --> 00:18:53,547
But, you know, Actually,
it's an optical illusion,
344
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:54,824
the back wheels are inboard.
345
00:18:54,930 --> 00:18:56,086
So you do have wheels.
346
00:18:56,172 --> 00:18:58,062
But what if
you were in the back one
347
00:18:58,285 --> 00:19:00,460
and it was being driven by
Richard Hammond from the front?
348
00:19:00,545 --> 00:19:02,870
- You'd be bloody terrified.
- Oh, all right!
349
00:19:03,423 --> 00:19:04,898
Yes, that is a point.
350
00:19:04,984 --> 00:19:07,359
But I don't think you quite
understand how this works.
351
00:19:07,445 --> 00:19:10,125
I'll need to check it out.
352
00:19:10,726 --> 00:19:12,900
It's quite complicated
so bear with me.
353
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:16,860
You see, the idea is these cars are
sort of everywhere for people to use.
354
00:19:16,945 --> 00:19:21,094
And then at night, a man goes round
in the green one, the one in front,
355
00:19:21,180 --> 00:19:23,453
and he collects all the
others up behind him.
356
00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:26,060
He's a bit like those men you see
at airports, with all the trolleys,
357
00:19:26,145 --> 00:19:29,008
and he ends up with that two-mile
snake that bashes into your ankles.
358
00:19:29,204 --> 00:19:31,439
- It's like that.
- So it gathers them all up?
359
00:19:31,525 --> 00:19:34,060
So, hang on a minute. You
drive home in the evening, say.
360
00:19:34,145 --> 00:19:35,781
- Mm-hm.
- In your car.
361
00:19:35,867 --> 00:19:38,060
You get up next morning but it's
gone because a bloke's collected it?
362
00:19:38,145 --> 00:19:40,759
Yeah.
363
00:19:40,845 --> 00:19:43,648
That doesn't work because most
journeys by car are two-way.
364
00:19:43,734 --> 00:19:45,180
You get there,
then you need to get back.
365
00:19:45,265 --> 00:19:48,297
Unless you're driving
to Dignitas.
366
00:19:48,633 --> 00:19:50,153
No, they'd work for that.
367
00:19:50,239 --> 00:19:51,930
Maybe it's a Dignitas
collection service.
368
00:19:52,016 --> 00:19:55,379
Look. The thing is, I'm going to
try and work out how it...
369
00:19:55,465 --> 00:19:58,398
It's quite complicated.
They have actually...
370
00:19:58,484 --> 00:20:02,203
There is a flow chart that
explains how it works. Put that up.
371
00:20:02,289 --> 00:20:04,231
- You see, here we are.
- Oh, I see!
372
00:20:04,324 --> 00:20:07,836
So, you're stabbed in the back with
a giant fork, and briefcase,
373
00:20:07,922 --> 00:20:10,760
then you bump into
one-and-two-thirds cars,
374
00:20:10,845 --> 00:20:14,180
that turn into half a car, that
crash into a picture of a train...
375
00:20:14,266 --> 00:20:16,401
This makes no sense at all!
376
00:20:16,487 --> 00:20:19,539
No, hang on a minute. You've
got that wrong, haven't you?
377
00:20:19,625 --> 00:20:22,969
You get into two cars but only
drive off in three-quarters of one.
378
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,579
And you go to the station, because
presumably you're going somewhere,
379
00:20:25,664 --> 00:20:28,024
but whilst you're going somewhere,
somebody takes it and puts it back.
380
00:20:28,109 --> 00:20:29,946
You get back to the station
you haven't got a bloody car!
381
00:20:30,031 --> 00:20:31,299
That doesn't work!
382
00:20:31,385 --> 00:20:33,594
No, what they're saying is,
383
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,520
the future is going to be
very inconvenient.
384
00:20:36,719 --> 00:20:38,040
Yeah, it sounds that way.
385
00:20:38,125 --> 00:20:40,020
That's basically
what they're actually saying.
386
00:20:40,105 --> 00:20:43,140
I've got a blindingly good idea,
I'd like to run this by you...
387
00:20:43,225 --> 00:20:45,422
- Sure. Uh, huh.
- ...in a committee fashion.
388
00:20:45,508 --> 00:20:48,240
What if...
we had a car of our own.
389
00:20:48,325 --> 00:20:51,420
You could buy it or lease it,
but it was, like, your car.
390
00:20:51,505 --> 00:20:53,719
And then...
No, it's crazy, I know.
391
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,160
Then there'd be
a pretty good chance
392
00:20:55,245 --> 00:20:57,620
it would be wherever it was
when you last left it...
393
00:20:57,968 --> 00:20:59,923
- when you came back to it.
- So all these people,
394
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:02,164
you've left cars in
the car park here, have you?
395
00:21:02,250 --> 00:21:04,760
- So they'd still be there...
- That's exactly it!
396
00:21:04,852 --> 00:21:06,767
- They won't have been collected up by
a random stranger. - That's exactly it!
397
00:21:06,852 --> 00:21:09,961
So, imagine this, you go out and
your car's still there. Brilliant.
398
00:21:10,087 --> 00:21:11,642
Let me run with that,
if I may.
399
00:21:11,728 --> 00:21:14,979
What if you could run these
cars on a kind of magic juice?
400
00:21:16,531 --> 00:21:18,379
Takes two or three minutes
to replenish them,
401
00:21:18,465 --> 00:21:20,000
you go hundreds of miles.
402
00:21:20,085 --> 00:21:22,415
- What magic juice?
- Well, you could get it from underground.
403
00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:25,700
- What's it made of?
- Squashed prawns?
404
00:21:27,365 --> 00:21:29,360
It's all sounding a bit
improbable, mate.
405
00:21:29,445 --> 00:21:31,882
Well, let's take on the
company from Aberdeen
406
00:21:31,968 --> 00:21:34,400
and see who gets it
more right.
407
00:21:34,726 --> 00:21:36,453
Can I talk about
Robert Kubica?
408
00:21:36,609 --> 00:21:39,240
Polish Formula One driver,
there's a picture of him now.
409
00:21:39,325 --> 00:21:41,148
A few years ago,
eight years ago actually,
410
00:21:41,234 --> 00:21:43,953
he had a terrible accident while
doing a spot of rallying for fun.
411
00:21:44,039 --> 00:21:47,398
That was the car. You see the
crash barrier went into the car.
412
00:21:47,545 --> 00:21:50,398
Broke every single bone on
the right side of his body,
413
00:21:50,484 --> 00:21:52,420
everything from his heel
to his shoulder.
414
00:21:52,505 --> 00:21:55,789
Had a seven-hour operation
to put his arm back on again,
415
00:21:55,914 --> 00:21:58,726
and then 17 more operations
after that.
416
00:21:58,828 --> 00:22:00,383
And his arm still
doesn't work properly,
417
00:22:00,468 --> 00:22:03,443
but this weekend he is back
in a Formula One car.
418
00:22:03,565 --> 00:22:05,540
And I'd just like say,
that's bloody brilliant.
419
00:22:05,625 --> 00:22:07,560
What a man!
420
00:22:07,645 --> 00:22:09,340
Determination.
421
00:22:09,425 --> 00:22:10,805
Like um...
422
00:22:13,285 --> 00:22:16,390
Mark Webber, OK,
the Aussie F1 guy,
423
00:22:16,476 --> 00:22:17,562
former F1 guy,
424
00:22:17,648 --> 00:22:20,109
he welcomed him back to
Formula One by tweeting:
425
00:22:20,195 --> 00:22:21,860
"Poland's man is coming back,
426
00:22:21,945 --> 00:22:25,242
what a warrior
and tenacious prick he is."
427
00:22:25,421 --> 00:22:27,562
Now, to be fair, to be fair
for an Australian,
428
00:22:27,648 --> 00:22:29,632
that is getting quite
soppy and sentimental.
429
00:22:29,718 --> 00:22:31,560
"Ah, yeah, he's a prick."
430
00:22:31,645 --> 00:22:34,242
Oh, now.
As I'm sure you know,
431
00:22:34,328 --> 00:22:35,812
there's a lot of work
going on at the moment
432
00:22:35,897 --> 00:22:37,832
with sort of electric cars,
driverless cars
433
00:22:37,964 --> 00:22:39,043
and the future of
transportation,
434
00:22:39,128 --> 00:22:39,867
- and so on.
- Yes, we have noticed.
435
00:22:39,953 --> 00:22:43,320
Yes. Exactly. All I want is
something that stops things
436
00:22:43,405 --> 00:22:45,860
falling down the side of the
seat when you're driving along.
437
00:22:45,945 --> 00:22:47,680
I want the car I've got now,
438
00:22:47,765 --> 00:22:49,720
but just something that
stops that happening.
439
00:22:49,805 --> 00:22:52,570
- That's it?
- That is the sum total of your ambition?
440
00:22:52,656 --> 00:22:53,790
- Yes, it is...
- At this period of
441
00:22:53,875 --> 00:22:55,620
fundamental
change in the whole concept
442
00:22:55,705 --> 00:22:58,640
of car ownership, car usage,
car functionality...
443
00:22:58,725 --> 00:23:01,160
Mm-hm, that's all I want,
something that...
444
00:23:01,245 --> 00:23:03,620
Cos they say it's dangerous
to tweet when you're driving.
445
00:23:03,705 --> 00:23:05,080
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
446
00:23:05,165 --> 00:23:06,440
Driving along like that,
447
00:23:06,525 --> 00:23:08,260
and "Oh, no, I've dropped
my phone down there."
448
00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:10,340
You've got the seat lifted,
your head's squashed,
449
00:23:10,425 --> 00:23:12,695
you're desperately shoving
your hand down there,
450
00:23:12,781 --> 00:23:15,520
shoving it in, all the skin's
been peeled back at the side.
451
00:23:15,605 --> 00:23:17,020
"I'll get it, I'll get it."
452
00:23:17,105 --> 00:23:20,180
- "Like a... Like a determined vet."
- Exactly!
453
00:23:20,265 --> 00:23:22,203
Exactly!
454
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:24,440
Not exactly.
455
00:23:24,525 --> 00:23:26,740
- Sort of, like...
- "Come on, mole, give birth!"
456
00:23:26,825 --> 00:23:28,240
"It's burst!"
457
00:23:28,325 --> 00:23:30,520
Why can't we just
have a little bit of a f...
458
00:23:30,605 --> 00:23:33,900
I mean, I'm doing it on this side because
we're all British, but whatever side.
459
00:23:33,985 --> 00:23:37,070
A little flap of material
that stops things
460
00:23:37,156 --> 00:23:39,000
going down. I mean,
how hard can that be?
461
00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:41,120
I know what you mean,
it is an issue.
462
00:23:41,205 --> 00:23:44,800
I once looked under the driver seat
of my 911, and you'll remember this,
463
00:23:44,885 --> 00:23:47,420
I found eight pairs of
sunglasses I'd lost and replaced.
464
00:23:47,505 --> 00:23:49,140
- He did.
- Just all under there.
465
00:23:49,225 --> 00:23:51,360
There's house keys,
ingots, relatives.
466
00:23:51,445 --> 00:23:54,234
There's also... And eventually
you do drop something.
467
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:55,376
You know what it's like when you
drop something and you think,
468
00:23:55,461 --> 00:23:57,977
"I really do need to get that
back," so you have to stop.
469
00:23:58,065 --> 00:24:00,460
And then you can't get it
from here or from here.
470
00:24:00,545 --> 00:24:02,172
So then you have to go
round the back,
471
00:24:02,258 --> 00:24:04,051
and you can never
quite get in properly,
472
00:24:04,137 --> 00:24:05,817
so you've got your hand
under it like this.
473
00:24:05,905 --> 00:24:09,300
And there's always... There's
always what feels like
474
00:24:09,385 --> 00:24:11,720
a bit of furry mucus.
475
00:24:11,805 --> 00:24:13,780
No, there is! There is,
there is! You've seen it!
476
00:24:13,865 --> 00:24:15,820
- That is always there.
- Like a hairy tumour.
477
00:24:15,905 --> 00:24:17,220
And it's squidgy,
and you go...
478
00:24:17,305 --> 00:24:19,560
There always,
always is one of those,
479
00:24:19,645 --> 00:24:22,880
and it's always, always on top
of whatever it was you lost.
480
00:24:22,965 --> 00:24:25,320
Do you know, the Holy Grail
will probably turn up
481
00:24:25,405 --> 00:24:27,380
- under somebody's driving seat.
- It will.
482
00:24:27,465 --> 00:24:30,240
I tell you what, if you went
underneath everybody's seat,
483
00:24:30,325 --> 00:24:32,620
if you all tonight
when you go back to the car,
484
00:24:32,705 --> 00:24:34,300
have a look
under your car seats,
485
00:24:34,385 --> 00:24:37,780
you will find enough loose
change to pay for Brexit.
486
00:24:39,525 --> 00:24:41,320
It could do it,
it could tip it.
487
00:24:41,405 --> 00:24:44,060
We could pretty much pay
the whole lot. Who's with me?
488
00:24:44,145 --> 00:24:46,760
Yes.
489
00:24:46,845 --> 00:24:48,800
There you go, you see,
people applauded...
490
00:24:48,885 --> 00:24:50,340
Well, three people
applauded my idea.
491
00:24:52,005 --> 00:24:53,480
- James?
- What?
492
00:24:53,565 --> 00:24:55,620
- Interesting news.
- Oh, God!
493
00:24:55,705 --> 00:24:57,360
What do you mean, "Oh, God"?
494
00:24:57,445 --> 00:25:00,340
Well, whenever one of you
two says, "Interesting news"
495
00:25:00,425 --> 00:25:02,180
it turns out to be
about the war.
496
00:25:02,265 --> 00:25:05,320
No, this... isn't about the war.
497
00:25:05,405 --> 00:25:07,420
This is interesting news about
the speed of different birds.
498
00:25:07,505 --> 00:25:09,460
- Oh, that's even worse!
- Oh, I love this.
499
00:25:09,545 --> 00:25:11,480
We've talked
about this before?
500
00:25:11,565 --> 00:25:14,320
They've been going on about
this ever since he claimed
501
00:25:14,405 --> 00:25:16,580
to have clocked a pigeon
doing 25 miles an hour.
502
00:25:16,665 --> 00:25:19,980
I did. I was driving alongside,
there was a pigeon that was doing 25.
503
00:25:20,065 --> 00:25:25,360
Anyway, a Swiss speed camera
has clocked a duck...
504
00:25:25,445 --> 00:25:27,460
It's clocked a duck, it's
actually triggered the camera.
505
00:25:27,545 --> 00:25:29,500
Got a picture here,
look, proving it.
506
00:25:29,585 --> 00:25:32,400
Look at that! And it
took a picture of a duck.
507
00:25:32,485 --> 00:25:34,780
- How fast was it going?
- 32 miles an hour.
508
00:25:34,865 --> 00:25:37,140
There you go.
That's quite incredible.
509
00:25:37,225 --> 00:25:40,720
Cos if I was asked, I'd say
a duck would do 20 or 21...
510
00:25:40,805 --> 00:25:44,440
It's not quite incredible, neither
is it remotely interesting!
511
00:25:44,525 --> 00:25:46,700
It is interesting! It's a
piece of knowledge, Hammond!
512
00:25:46,785 --> 00:25:50,540
How can the world be a poorer place
for having a bit more knowledge in it?
513
00:25:50,625 --> 00:25:52,500
- Exactly.
- Because that knowledge
514
00:25:52,585 --> 00:25:57,280
is peculiar and strange, and
doesn't matter a bugger to anybody.
515
00:25:57,365 --> 00:26:00,680
You're not gonna be mocking when
you're Buttons in the panto in Swindon
516
00:26:00,765 --> 00:26:03,320
and Jeremy and I are waving at
each other from our super yachts
517
00:26:03,405 --> 00:26:05,540
because of the global success
of our television series
518
00:26:05,625 --> 00:26:08,240
James And Jeremy's
The Speed Of Birds.
519
00:26:08,325 --> 00:26:11,280
- It's gonna be absolutely massive.
- Who'd watch that?
520
00:26:11,365 --> 00:26:13,280
Come on, who'd watch
The Speed Of Birds?
521
00:26:13,365 --> 00:26:15,860
Who wants to see him as
Buttons at the Swindon Wyvern?
522
00:26:15,945 --> 00:26:18,270
Me.
523
00:26:19,685 --> 00:26:22,600
No! Never!
524
00:26:22,685 --> 00:26:25,760
- I think that marks the end of
Conversation Street. - Yes.
525
00:26:25,845 --> 00:26:27,820
I think it does.
I think I'll move it on,
526
00:26:27,905 --> 00:26:32,640
because all of us agree that
we do love a hot hatchback.
527
00:26:32,725 --> 00:26:36,180
Yeah, we love that they're practical,
cheap to run, cheap to repair,
528
00:26:36,265 --> 00:26:38,420
but they still go like
demented baboons.
529
00:26:38,505 --> 00:26:42,200
Yeah, and now there's a new
breed of small hot hatchback.
530
00:26:42,285 --> 00:26:45,140
And to find which one is
best, we took The Grand Tour
531
00:26:45,225 --> 00:26:48,550
to that field
just over there.
532
00:26:51,885 --> 00:26:54,206
Yes, the start point
for our test
533
00:26:54,292 --> 00:26:56,398
was our own track
in Oxfordshire.
534
00:26:56,484 --> 00:26:59,609
And this is what
we'd assembled.
535
00:27:00,198 --> 00:27:03,740
I've brought
the new Volkswagen Polo GTI,
536
00:27:03,825 --> 00:27:06,960
which has 197 horsepower.
537
00:27:07,045 --> 00:27:11,378
Richard Hammond has brought
the new Ford Fiesta ST,
538
00:27:11,464 --> 00:27:15,040
which also has
197 horsepower.
539
00:27:15,125 --> 00:27:18,680
James May has brought
the new Toyota Yaris,
540
00:27:18,765 --> 00:27:21,060
which has a ridiculous name,
541
00:27:21,145 --> 00:27:23,470
the "Grmn".
542
00:27:24,245 --> 00:27:26,120
Grmm-nn...
543
00:27:26,205 --> 00:27:28,604
Grmn. How do you say that?
Grmm-nn...
544
00:27:28,690 --> 00:27:30,167
Grumuna.
545
00:27:30,253 --> 00:27:32,487
It isn't Grumuna,
there's no "a" at the end.
546
00:27:32,573 --> 00:27:33,960
It says "Grmn".
547
00:27:34,045 --> 00:27:36,420
- It is a funny name.
- What does it mean, Grmn?
548
00:27:36,505 --> 00:27:40,081
Gazoo Racing
Meisters of the Nurburgring.
549
00:27:40,167 --> 00:27:43,059
- Oh! Your favourite place!
- That's where it was developed.
550
00:27:43,145 --> 00:27:44,753
And what is Gazoo Racing?
551
00:27:44,839 --> 00:27:46,911
Gazoo Racing is
Toyota's racing division.
552
00:27:46,997 --> 00:27:49,332
This has been done
by a small group of people
553
00:27:49,418 --> 00:27:51,319
dedicating themselves
over two years
554
00:27:51,405 --> 00:27:53,100
to making this
the perfect hot hatch.
555
00:27:53,185 --> 00:27:56,190
Stiffened body shell, shorter
springs, SACHS dampers.
556
00:27:56,276 --> 00:27:58,933
It's got a supercharger, it's
got special forged wheels,
557
00:27:59,019 --> 00:28:01,495
it's got special tyres, it's
got stiffened anti-roll bars.
558
00:28:01,581 --> 00:28:04,714
It's even got a different steering
rack from the standard Yaris.
559
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:06,925
That's proper
hot-hatch technology.
560
00:28:07,011 --> 00:28:10,280
My car is just over £21,000,
yours is what?
561
00:28:10,365 --> 00:28:13,019
- Just shy of £20,000.
- Just under £20,000.
562
00:28:13,167 --> 00:28:15,894
Over £26,000.
563
00:28:15,980 --> 00:28:17,073
And worth every penny,
564
00:28:17,159 --> 00:28:19,380
because it's properly
developed as a hot hatchback.
565
00:28:19,465 --> 00:28:21,400
It's not a pretty car.
566
00:28:21,485 --> 00:28:23,948
- I think it is.
- It's put make-up on one eye.
567
00:28:24,034 --> 00:28:26,119
Slightly mad make-up
on one eye, it's like Kiss.
568
00:28:26,205 --> 00:28:28,500
It's like watching my daughters
get ready in the morning.
569
00:28:28,585 --> 00:28:29,980
"Am I done?"
"Yeah, you're done."
570
00:28:30,065 --> 00:28:31,440
Yours is a brown car.
571
00:28:31,526 --> 00:28:33,214
- It's not brown!
- That is brown.
572
00:28:33,300 --> 00:28:35,520
- Oh, yeah, it is.
- It isn't, it's mushroom.
573
00:28:35,605 --> 00:28:37,394
The cameramen know
about colour. Is it brown?
574
00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:38,871
- It's brown.
- It's definitely brown.
575
00:28:38,956 --> 00:28:41,371
It's mushroom!
576
00:28:41,525 --> 00:28:44,220
At this point, we
decided that instead of arguing
577
00:28:44,305 --> 00:28:48,097
about which car was best, we
should do some actual tests,
578
00:28:48,183 --> 00:28:51,640
starting with a pursuit race.
579
00:28:51,725 --> 00:28:55,140
Each of us was spaced at equal
distances around the track
580
00:28:55,308 --> 00:28:57,080
and the rules were simple.
581
00:28:57,276 --> 00:29:00,089
When you're overtaken
by the car behind...
582
00:29:00,845 --> 00:29:02,769
...James is out.
583
00:29:03,325 --> 00:29:06,020
Can I just ask, why am
I starting on the gravel,
584
00:29:06,105 --> 00:29:08,880
on a bend, when you two
are on Tarmac?
585
00:29:08,965 --> 00:29:11,089
- Have you got launch control?
- No.
586
00:29:11,315 --> 00:29:13,409
Well, that's your look-out,
then, isn't it? I have.
587
00:29:13,503 --> 00:29:16,722
, All right, what-evs.
Let's go.
588
00:29:18,226 --> 00:29:21,105
Launch control active!
I'm ready.
589
00:29:24,205 --> 00:29:27,590
Three, two, one, go!
590
00:29:30,592 --> 00:29:33,745
Ooh, and we are away!
591
00:29:37,455 --> 00:29:38,706
Aw.
592
00:29:40,845 --> 00:29:43,058
It's a lively little thing,
this.
593
00:29:48,019 --> 00:29:50,761
Let's not forget, shall we,
that Volkswagen
594
00:29:50,925 --> 00:29:57,040
invented the hot hatchback and
they're still the best at it.
595
00:29:57,125 --> 00:29:59,920
Take an ordinary hatchback,
stiffen the suspension,
596
00:30:00,005 --> 00:30:02,456
stiffen the body,
give it a big engine.
597
00:30:02,613 --> 00:30:03,738
The end.
598
00:30:04,911 --> 00:30:06,511
Kazoo!
599
00:30:06,605 --> 00:30:10,227
It's nice, it feels taut.
What happens here?
600
00:30:10,313 --> 00:30:12,438
Where does it go?
601
00:30:18,885 --> 00:30:21,230
This is cracking.
I love these.
602
00:30:24,347 --> 00:30:26,700
Those little crackles and
bangs from the exhaust,
603
00:30:27,033 --> 00:30:28,998
it's got valves in it...
604
00:30:29,659 --> 00:30:31,964
...to make it sound good.
605
00:30:34,795 --> 00:30:38,690
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
And into the gravel cell.
606
00:30:42,285 --> 00:30:45,220
It's actually quite funny the
way the tail will slide round
607
00:30:45,305 --> 00:30:47,801
and then you can feel
the brakes grabbing
608
00:30:47,887 --> 00:30:50,212
to stop it
actually spinning.
609
00:30:51,948 --> 00:30:55,219
That way,
you can have lots of fun
610
00:30:55,305 --> 00:30:59,261
without there being
blood or an ambulance.
611
00:31:01,612 --> 00:31:04,830
No, got it wrong, and
I've got Jezza behind me.
612
00:31:05,597 --> 00:31:09,026
The "Grunumunum"
is right in my sights now.
613
00:31:10,401 --> 00:31:13,460
Come on, come on, come on.
This is exciting times now.
614
00:31:13,546 --> 00:31:16,933
Duh! Incorrect.
615
00:31:19,645 --> 00:31:21,790
Ah, that was, I overdid it.
616
00:31:22,894 --> 00:31:25,980
Hard to see where I'm going
now due to the dust cloud
617
00:31:26,065 --> 00:31:28,800
from the
"Grunumunummmnnmm".
618
00:31:31,135 --> 00:31:32,252
Whoa!
619
00:31:32,338 --> 00:31:34,374
Oh, no, Hammond's
catching Clarkson as well.
620
00:31:34,460 --> 00:31:36,847
This is getting
very interesting.
621
00:31:37,549 --> 00:31:40,456
Right, time
to reel Jeremy in.
622
00:31:42,059 --> 00:31:43,954
Come on, come on,
come on, this is...
623
00:31:44,305 --> 00:31:45,870
Too wide.
624
00:31:46,965 --> 00:31:48,680
You're out! Ha ha!
625
00:31:48,765 --> 00:31:50,540
With the roadblock
out of the way,
626
00:31:50,625 --> 00:31:53,987
it became a two-horse
war of attrition.
627
00:31:54,844 --> 00:31:57,276
Come on, Clarkson,
you're mine.
628
00:31:58,235 --> 00:32:00,300
Grip. Grip, grip, grip.
629
00:32:06,245 --> 00:32:09,305
Hot hatchbacks
are such a riot!
630
00:32:09,391 --> 00:32:11,716
They really are.
631
00:32:13,305 --> 00:32:16,214
If someone were to say to me
now, "Do you want to get out"
632
00:32:16,300 --> 00:32:19,839
and swap into a 911 Turbo
or a 488?"
633
00:32:19,925 --> 00:32:23,878
I'd say, "No, I honestly
do not want to do that."
634
00:32:27,745 --> 00:32:30,362
Oh, bit of lift-off
oversteer.
635
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:32,589
That's what you want
in a hot hatch.
636
00:32:33,292 --> 00:32:35,581
Several laps later,
637
00:32:35,859 --> 00:32:39,558
both of us were still
the same distance apart.
638
00:32:40,362 --> 00:32:45,144
It's just occurred to me we both have
the same knowledge of this track,
639
00:32:45,448 --> 00:32:48,470
we both have
197 horsepower.
640
00:32:49,331 --> 00:32:52,440
This race may take a while.
641
00:32:52,525 --> 00:32:55,620
However... Brakes are
fading, I can feel them fading a bit.
642
00:32:55,705 --> 00:32:57,229
They do get hot.
643
00:32:57,315 --> 00:33:00,503
Mine meanwhile
had got smoky hot.
644
00:33:02,645 --> 00:33:06,420
So, much to the annoyance
of our colleague...
645
00:33:06,505 --> 00:33:09,144
...we decided
to call it a draw.
646
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:12,475
Can I just say, if this was a proper
race rather than a catchy-up race,
647
00:33:12,561 --> 00:33:14,475
I'd be in the lead
because I treated my car
648
00:33:14,561 --> 00:33:15,917
properly and didn't
overheat the brakes.
649
00:33:16,002 --> 00:33:17,740
- Have you heard this?
- I did hear that.
650
00:33:17,825 --> 00:33:19,060
You don't pause in a race!
651
00:33:19,145 --> 00:33:21,800
- So if you drive slowly, you win?
- Yes.
652
00:33:21,886 --> 00:33:24,400
Because my brakes aren't
overheating, I could still be...
653
00:33:24,485 --> 00:33:26,880
- You never went more than 28mph!
- Rubbish!
654
00:33:26,965 --> 00:33:30,112
When did you watch a motor race on
the television, on Grandstand or...
655
00:33:30,237 --> 00:33:35,323
Rather than listen to any more of May's
bizarre theories on motor sport...
656
00:33:35,448 --> 00:33:38,839
...we decide to move on
to the next challenge.
657
00:33:40,171 --> 00:33:42,046
A drag race.
658
00:33:42,225 --> 00:33:46,394
Let me talk you through the engine.
It's a two-litre turbo.
659
00:33:47,165 --> 00:33:48,620
What more do you want?
660
00:33:48,705 --> 00:33:51,860
Right, launch control.
I'm ready.
661
00:33:51,945 --> 00:33:53,480
I'm also ready.
662
00:33:53,565 --> 00:33:55,628
James, on the other hand,
663
00:33:55,714 --> 00:33:59,003
has some explaining to do
about his "Grunumm..."
664
00:34:00,645 --> 00:34:02,440
This engine's actually
pretty interesting.
665
00:34:02,533 --> 00:34:05,862
'Cause, first and foremost, it's been
breathed upon by Lotus.
666
00:34:05,987 --> 00:34:08,698
They actually use a similar
spec engine in the Elise.
667
00:34:08,855 --> 00:34:10,831
But perhaps more interestingly,
it's supercharged,
668
00:34:10,917 --> 00:34:12,680
which is unusual
in a hot hatchback.
669
00:34:12,765 --> 00:34:16,815
Why bother with a supercharger?
It's heavier than a turbocharger...
670
00:34:21,240 --> 00:34:22,995
So the headline figures are:
671
00:34:23,081 --> 00:34:25,425
I have the most power,
209 horsepower.
672
00:34:25,545 --> 00:34:28,917
I have the lowest weight,
1,135 kilograms.
673
00:34:29,081 --> 00:34:33,600
And that's over 200 kilograms
lighter than Clarkson's VW.
674
00:34:33,685 --> 00:34:38,070
Eventually James finished
talking and we were ready to go.
675
00:34:38,825 --> 00:34:40,276
I probably won't win this.
676
00:34:40,448 --> 00:34:42,300
My problem is
I've got the heaviest car
677
00:34:42,385 --> 00:34:44,510
and I'm the heaviest driver.
678
00:34:51,759 --> 00:34:54,104
And we are away.
679
00:34:56,079 --> 00:34:58,593
Where's that bloody Polo
going?
680
00:35:07,142 --> 00:35:08,537
Yes!
681
00:35:08,685 --> 00:35:10,360
Oh, what?
682
00:35:10,929 --> 00:35:13,827
A victory for the fat boy!
683
00:35:15,005 --> 00:35:19,507
That can only mean that VW
have got their figures wrong.
684
00:35:19,757 --> 00:35:21,476
Again.
685
00:35:21,616 --> 00:35:25,890
This surprising result
called for a bit of a debrief.
686
00:35:26,803 --> 00:35:28,778
The mushroom-coloured Polo...
687
00:35:28,956 --> 00:35:32,249
- Brown!
- The brown VW has won.
688
00:35:32,358 --> 00:35:33,726
Actually,
I've got to be honest.
689
00:35:33,812 --> 00:35:37,085
I am quite surprised by
its astonishing victory.
690
00:35:37,244 --> 00:35:39,234
It is really annoying. And
there's nothing you can do.
691
00:35:39,319 --> 00:35:42,530
- Cos it's heavy. Yes.
- Yeah. And it's only as powerful as this.
692
00:35:42,645 --> 00:35:44,620
The DSG gearbox
makes a huge difference.
693
00:35:44,705 --> 00:35:46,160
Yeah, the double clutch.
694
00:35:46,245 --> 00:35:49,240
Every time you two have to
change gear, you lose 20 yards.
695
00:35:49,325 --> 00:35:52,897
There's no way you can keep
up with an old-fashioned box.
696
00:35:52,983 --> 00:35:54,680
No, it's one gear, then another...
697
00:35:54,765 --> 00:35:55,960
Oh, hang on.
698
00:35:56,045 --> 00:35:58,000
Text from Mr Wilman.
699
00:35:58,085 --> 00:36:01,480
- "You idiots."
- Nice., Not very kind.
700
00:36:01,565 --> 00:36:05,600
"Stop banging on about double-clutch
gearboxes and lift-off oversteer."
701
00:36:05,749 --> 00:36:08,380
These cars are supposed
to appeal to young people
702
00:36:08,465 --> 00:36:11,296
and they have no idea
what those things are.
703
00:36:13,725 --> 00:36:17,686
The winner of this test will be the
car that appeals most to millennials,
704
00:36:17,772 --> 00:36:20,249
"not old men like you."
705
00:36:20,544 --> 00:36:24,522
So what test do we do that young
people would be interested?
706
00:36:24,665 --> 00:36:26,772
No, wait, I've had an idea.
707
00:36:26,858 --> 00:36:28,683
What exactly is a millennial?
708
00:36:34,085 --> 00:36:37,453
Once we'd explained this
to James, we left the test track,
709
00:36:37,539 --> 00:36:41,398
and began our new
youth-friendly road test.
710
00:36:41,581 --> 00:36:43,832
What I've done is I've fitted some
711
00:36:43,918 --> 00:36:47,161
youth-friendly political
stickers on the doors.
712
00:36:47,325 --> 00:36:54,312
And then on the windscreen,
a transgender, fluid, neutral sunscreen.
713
00:36:54,398 --> 00:36:57,969
The other Jeremy, of course,
is the great Jeremy Corbyn,
714
00:36:58,055 --> 00:37:00,015
leader of the Labour Party,
715
00:37:00,367 --> 00:37:04,320
a man with the same initials
as the Baby Jesus,
716
00:37:04,405 --> 00:37:06,550
one of the prophets of Islam.
717
00:37:08,085 --> 00:37:10,260
Richard, meanwhile,
had for some reason
718
00:37:10,345 --> 00:37:14,110
put the shipping forecast
on the doors of the Fiesta.
719
00:37:16,822 --> 00:37:19,620
Why have you got "Stormy"
on the side of your car?
720
00:37:19,705 --> 00:37:22,860
Cos that's the name of the
rapper that young people adore.
721
00:37:22,945 --> 00:37:24,420
No, that's Stormzy.
722
00:37:24,505 --> 00:37:29,020
Stormy's that sexual intercourse
enthusiast in America.
723
00:37:29,105 --> 00:37:31,430
Popular with young people?
724
00:37:34,565 --> 00:37:37,380
Meanwhile, I'd headed
for an organic farm shop
725
00:37:37,465 --> 00:37:40,600
to test out
my young-people modification.
726
00:37:40,685 --> 00:37:43,800
What I've fitted to my car,
it's powered by the same USB port
727
00:37:43,885 --> 00:37:46,500
that you'd normally use to
recharge your vape bong,
728
00:37:46,585 --> 00:37:49,980
is the most important thing
in a millennial's life.
729
00:37:50,065 --> 00:37:53,315
And that is, of course,
a juicer. Ta-da!
730
00:37:53,463 --> 00:37:58,666
Now, using this, I can make a whole
range of tasty and nutritious juices
731
00:37:58,752 --> 00:38:01,560
using a variety of
ethically-sound ingredients.
732
00:38:01,645 --> 00:38:04,166
And that means
I won't be beholden
733
00:38:04,252 --> 00:38:07,380
to evil American corporations
that murder baby veals
734
00:38:07,518 --> 00:38:10,830
and snap the beaks
off chickens.
735
00:38:12,450 --> 00:38:15,745
Back on the road,
Jeremy and I were busy competing
736
00:38:15,932 --> 00:38:19,467
to win the hearts and minds
of the snowflakes.
737
00:38:19,685 --> 00:38:22,980
Because you're young, you'll care
very much about the environment.
738
00:38:23,065 --> 00:38:27,000
So you'll be very glad to know that
unlike the Polo and the Toyota,
739
00:38:27,085 --> 00:38:30,611
this doesn't have four cylinders.
the Fiesta only has three.
740
00:38:30,697 --> 00:38:32,240
In fact, when it's cruising,
741
00:38:32,325 --> 00:38:35,160
it can deactivate one of them
and go down to two.
742
00:38:35,245 --> 00:38:37,643
That's a world first
on a three-cylinder car.
743
00:38:38,065 --> 00:38:41,641
And what it means is,
it's nicer to polar bears.
744
00:38:43,739 --> 00:38:46,643
The seats in here
are made from cloth,
745
00:38:46,729 --> 00:38:50,557
so no cow was harmed in
the making of the interior.
746
00:38:50,791 --> 00:38:54,277
Apart from a small veal who was
used to make the steering wheel.
747
00:38:54,363 --> 00:38:56,448
But that's it.
748
00:39:01,245 --> 00:39:04,666
Right, this one is kale,
apple,
749
00:39:04,783 --> 00:39:08,596
line-caught avocado
and ethical water...
750
00:39:08,768 --> 00:39:11,299
plus my reading glasses which
fell in there earlier on.
751
00:39:11,385 --> 00:39:14,432
But it doesn't matter, they've got
plastic lenses so they're perfectly safe.
752
00:39:16,892 --> 00:39:18,087
Mm!
753
00:39:18,173 --> 00:39:20,518
Someone's gonna want that.
754
00:39:23,165 --> 00:39:26,060
In order to see if
we were on the right track,
755
00:39:26,145 --> 00:39:28,620
Richard and I had headed
into the wonderful,
756
00:39:28,705 --> 00:39:31,533
anti-car city of Oxford.
757
00:39:32,528 --> 00:39:35,049
Many, many cyclists here.
758
00:39:38,085 --> 00:39:41,432
Look at the way young people
are approving of my car
759
00:39:41,518 --> 00:39:43,390
and my stickers.
760
00:39:43,859 --> 00:39:45,694
Dab on it, wagwam!
761
00:39:46,190 --> 00:39:48,729
I speak the language
of the millennial.
762
00:39:48,815 --> 00:39:52,780
Hammond and May won't be able to do
that, cos they're in a Ford and a Toyota.
763
00:39:52,974 --> 00:39:54,739
They're bad whips.
764
00:39:55,566 --> 00:39:57,627
You'll see
there's a bus lane here.
765
00:39:57,869 --> 00:40:01,600
And the Fiesta
is showing no sign at all
766
00:40:01,721 --> 00:40:06,736
of complaining that half the road
is completely empty and unused.
767
00:40:07,549 --> 00:40:09,791
This car has no problem
with that.
768
00:40:10,009 --> 00:40:13,158
There's a couple of
hikers, Hammond, on my left.
769
00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:16,899
I'm not judging them,
cos judging people is wrong.
770
00:40:17,062 --> 00:40:19,387
Oh, cyclist.
771
00:40:22,085 --> 00:40:25,040
Maniac!
772
00:40:25,125 --> 00:40:28,955
Having drunk his spectacles,
James was now on the move.
773
00:40:29,369 --> 00:40:32,060
My latest juice has
a bit of an Asian flavour.
774
00:40:32,145 --> 00:40:36,963
Because it's made with okra,
some ground-up dry ginger,
775
00:40:37,049 --> 00:40:40,424
a touch of garlic,
a pinch of garam masala...
776
00:40:40,510 --> 00:40:43,600
and a pork pie.
777
00:40:43,685 --> 00:40:46,604
This car was, of course,
developed at the Nurburgring,
778
00:40:46,690 --> 00:40:48,682
which might sound
not very millennial.
779
00:40:48,768 --> 00:40:52,460
But on the other hand, it is
the world's greenest circuit.
780
00:40:52,545 --> 00:40:54,025
It is completely...
781
00:40:54,165 --> 00:40:56,140
Oh, Jesus!
782
00:41:00,211 --> 00:41:02,573
God! Agh!
783
00:41:02,802 --> 00:41:04,597
Agh...
784
00:41:04,823 --> 00:41:06,103
Agh.
785
00:41:09,197 --> 00:41:10,901
Back to the tent.
786
00:41:13,685 --> 00:41:16,253
I've gotta be honest...
787
00:41:16,445 --> 00:41:20,018
Apart from you drinking
plastic, which is evil,
788
00:41:20,104 --> 00:41:24,198
I thought that was all going rather
well, the test appealing to young people.
789
00:41:24,362 --> 00:41:28,000
Yeah, we talked about carbon
dioxide and polar bears
790
00:41:28,085 --> 00:41:30,060
and expressed our support
for the Labour Party.
791
00:41:30,145 --> 00:41:33,720
Yeah, apart from the bit where the
juicer blew up in my face, obviously,
792
00:41:33,805 --> 00:41:35,420
it was all going rather
excellently, we thought.
793
00:41:35,505 --> 00:41:37,120
It was, yeah.
794
00:41:37,291 --> 00:41:39,807
Unfortunately, Mr Wilman said
we hadn't got the idea
795
00:41:39,916 --> 00:41:41,049
- at all.
- No.
796
00:41:41,135 --> 00:41:43,116
And that to really
appeal to millennials,
797
00:41:43,202 --> 00:41:46,817
we had to somehow get
our cars in The Mail Online.
798
00:41:46,925 --> 00:41:49,100
Now this was a bit of
a problem for James,
799
00:41:49,185 --> 00:41:51,044
who claims he's never
read The Mail Online.
800
00:41:51,130 --> 00:41:52,159
I haven't.
801
00:41:52,245 --> 00:41:55,347
You're not really The Mail's
target audience, James.
802
00:41:55,433 --> 00:41:56,780
What do you mean by that?
803
00:41:56,865 --> 00:42:00,920
You're not a mealy-mouthed
bitter person...
804
00:42:01,005 --> 00:42:04,240
who believes that everyone
who is luckier, better-looking,
805
00:42:04,325 --> 00:42:07,740
richer and more talented than you are
should be torn to shreds and executed.
806
00:42:09,205 --> 00:42:12,440
Right, well, whatever,
the rules were simple.
807
00:42:12,525 --> 00:42:16,840
We had to drive into London and
then do something with our cars
808
00:42:16,925 --> 00:42:19,800
that would get the paparazzi
to take a picture of them.
809
00:42:19,885 --> 00:42:23,660
And then the winner would be the person
who got the most amount of those pictures
810
00:42:23,745 --> 00:42:26,070
actually published.
811
00:42:29,045 --> 00:42:32,060
I decided that
what I'd do was take my wife
812
00:42:32,145 --> 00:42:35,300
out for dinner at the
glittering Bluebird restaurant
813
00:42:35,385 --> 00:42:38,000
on the famous King's Road.
814
00:42:38,085 --> 00:42:40,180
It's a popular haunt
for the paps, this.
815
00:42:40,265 --> 00:42:44,544
And I felt sure we'd be snapped
getting out of the little Ford.
816
00:42:44,630 --> 00:42:47,419
OK, right,
so remember to smile.
817
00:42:47,505 --> 00:42:49,620
And look like
you really like me.
818
00:42:49,705 --> 00:42:51,910
- OK.
- Like, a lot.
819
00:42:53,365 --> 00:42:55,000
Right.
820
00:42:55,085 --> 00:42:57,040
Hold my hand, there.
821
00:42:57,125 --> 00:42:59,630
And then we'll just
stand around for a bit.
822
00:43:03,005 --> 00:43:05,990
- Looking forward to dinner with my wife Mindy.
- That'll be nice.
823
00:43:09,965 --> 00:43:13,540
Jeremy, meanwhile, had decided
that to get himself noticed,
824
00:43:13,625 --> 00:43:17,145
he'd have a puncture,
and then get a celebrity
825
00:43:17,231 --> 00:43:20,716
like Binky Felstead
to help him mend it.
826
00:43:22,950 --> 00:43:26,192
- You grab the spare wheel.
- Really?
827
00:43:30,165 --> 00:43:32,280
You have to twiddle it
so the car goes up.
828
00:43:32,365 --> 00:43:34,260
- Really high in the sky.
- For God's sake!
829
00:43:34,345 --> 00:43:35,720
Oh.
830
00:43:35,805 --> 00:43:37,872
Come on,
put your back into it.
831
00:43:37,958 --> 00:43:40,849
I'm exhausted.
832
00:43:40,935 --> 00:43:43,419
James, meanwhile,
was driving a car
833
00:43:43,505 --> 00:43:45,160
that's never been papped
834
00:43:45,245 --> 00:43:47,966
through a part of London
that's never been papped,
835
00:43:48,153 --> 00:43:51,474
with his dinner date,
historian Mary Beard...
836
00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:53,974
who hasn't been
papped either.
837
00:43:55,591 --> 00:43:57,880
I'm absolutely delighted.
838
00:43:57,966 --> 00:44:00,130
This has made my month, this.
839
00:44:00,216 --> 00:44:03,320
Well... Well, thank you,
that's very generous.
840
00:44:03,405 --> 00:44:07,317
James then tried to think of
some interesting small talk.
841
00:44:14,935 --> 00:44:17,100
This has this handy piece of
red in the steering wheel,
842
00:44:17,185 --> 00:44:19,778
so you know when you're going
in a straight line, you see.
843
00:44:19,864 --> 00:44:23,109
They've thought
of everything.
844
00:44:24,365 --> 00:44:26,927
Meanwhile, back in Chelsea...
845
00:44:27,236 --> 00:44:30,067
There's no paps.
There's nobody here.
846
00:44:30,153 --> 00:44:32,138
- No.
- There's no photographers.
847
00:44:34,325 --> 00:44:35,614
It's ridiculous.
848
00:44:35,700 --> 00:44:37,675
I'm always being
photographed here.
849
00:44:38,025 --> 00:44:39,997
Look, here I am.
850
00:44:40,325 --> 00:44:41,669
And here I am.
851
00:44:41,902 --> 00:44:43,747
And here... Oh, she's just...
852
00:44:43,833 --> 00:44:45,472
She's just a friend
from work.
853
00:44:46,925 --> 00:44:48,640
We should try
having an argument.
854
00:44:48,725 --> 00:44:52,200
- I don't want to have an argument.
- Well, I do, and you don't.
855
00:44:52,286 --> 00:44:54,216
So we're already having
an argument. This is good.
856
00:44:54,301 --> 00:44:57,070
- I don't want an argument.
- Just look a bit animated.
857
00:44:57,626 --> 00:44:59,301
Having parked his car,
858
00:44:59,387 --> 00:45:02,294
James was now in his
favourite Indian restaurant,
859
00:45:02,385 --> 00:45:05,700
having a lesson
in classical history.
860
00:45:05,927 --> 00:45:10,309
The idea of the bloke
is that he is penetrating.
861
00:45:10,395 --> 00:45:14,802
To be a man
is to be the penetrator.
862
00:45:14,955 --> 00:45:18,630
Every orifice he likes,
sex wherever.
863
00:45:19,255 --> 00:45:21,020
I've got to say, this is not
what I was expecting.
864
00:45:21,105 --> 00:45:24,180
I was thinking you'd give me some
information about the shape of arches.
865
00:45:24,265 --> 00:45:26,140
Oh, well,
we can go on to that.
866
00:45:29,245 --> 00:45:31,220
So you've got to
get that lined up.
867
00:45:31,497 --> 00:45:34,005
And then put the new ones in.
868
00:45:35,045 --> 00:45:37,000
What are you doing?
You're not...
869
00:45:37,085 --> 00:45:39,153
- I'm sorry, it's really greasy.
- I know!
870
00:45:39,239 --> 00:45:43,434
This may have been just a puncture
but it was proving to be big news.
871
00:45:47,405 --> 00:45:49,880
And that is how
you change a wheel.
872
00:45:49,997 --> 00:45:51,860
If you ever have
a puncture on a motorway,
873
00:45:51,945 --> 00:45:54,060
you're going to be
so grateful for this moment.
874
00:45:54,145 --> 00:45:55,963
Lesson learned, Jeremy.
875
00:45:56,252 --> 00:45:57,680
With dinner over,
876
00:45:57,765 --> 00:45:59,980
the two most unpappable
people in history
877
00:46:00,065 --> 00:46:02,502
were waiting to be papped.
878
00:46:02,588 --> 00:46:05,197
If we just stand here
looking a bit sort of...
879
00:46:05,283 --> 00:46:07,166
- Embarrassed?
- Well...
880
00:46:07,252 --> 00:46:08,627
Expectant?
881
00:46:08,791 --> 00:46:10,590
Somebody will come
and take a picture of us.
882
00:46:23,045 --> 00:46:26,120
I've just had a thought. I don't
want you to take this the wrong way,
883
00:46:26,206 --> 00:46:29,401
but actually the idea of this
was to get the car in the paper.
884
00:46:29,585 --> 00:46:32,386
I should have
parked it outside.
885
00:46:34,485 --> 00:46:36,830
Excuse me.
886
00:46:45,831 --> 00:46:47,675
Wait a minute, there is...
There's one.
887
00:46:47,761 --> 00:46:50,675
Don't point, don't look, but
there's one over there. There he is.
888
00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:52,430
Pap, there.
889
00:46:52,557 --> 00:46:55,135
However, before
any pictures were taken,
890
00:46:55,221 --> 00:46:58,700
May and I hatched a plan we'd
been working on for years.
891
00:46:59,058 --> 00:47:00,558
Go.
892
00:47:09,405 --> 00:47:12,369
Oh, you bastards!
893
00:47:13,007 --> 00:47:14,862
That was my...
894
00:47:15,065 --> 00:47:16,720
Get in.
895
00:47:23,883 --> 00:47:25,959
James, did...
896
00:47:26,045 --> 00:47:28,600
Did you burp in front
of Mary Beard?
897
00:47:28,725 --> 00:47:30,822
I did. I'm sorry, it just
fell out. I apologise.
898
00:47:30,908 --> 00:47:34,150
I know a lot of people will be
thinking we engineered that.
899
00:47:34,236 --> 00:47:35,626
We really genuinely didn't.
900
00:47:35,712 --> 00:47:38,830
All you have to do to get papped
when you're in our line of work
901
00:47:38,916 --> 00:47:41,540
is go into London, do something
mildly out of the ordinary
902
00:47:41,625 --> 00:47:43,559
and then they swarm...
not round you.
903
00:47:43,645 --> 00:47:46,611
Or get clattered and fall out
of a club with no trousers on.
904
00:47:46,697 --> 00:47:47,932
Yeah. That's a good way of doing it.
905
00:47:48,017 --> 00:47:48,952
- Or catch pneumonia.
- Anyway,
906
00:47:49,038 --> 00:47:50,962
Anyway...
Yes.
907
00:47:51,087 --> 00:47:53,900
I've had that a few times.
Anyway, while we were waiting
908
00:47:53,985 --> 00:47:57,540
to see which of our antics
got into The Mail Online,
909
00:47:57,625 --> 00:48:01,880
Mr Wilman came up with
another youth-friendly idea.
910
00:48:01,965 --> 00:48:05,300
Yep, he said each of us had
to take a picture of our car
911
00:48:05,385 --> 00:48:09,750
and then see which of us got the most
likes of their snap on Instagram.
912
00:48:12,205 --> 00:48:13,840
Having split up,
913
00:48:14,041 --> 00:48:16,386
we set to work
on our respective plans.
914
00:48:17,085 --> 00:48:19,550
£50 is very reasonable, yeah.
915
00:48:20,525 --> 00:48:22,480
£50,000?
916
00:48:22,565 --> 00:48:24,520
Oh, right.
917
00:48:24,605 --> 00:48:26,580
Um...
I'll ring you back in a bit.
918
00:48:26,665 --> 00:48:28,990
Yeah, cheers.
919
00:48:32,776 --> 00:48:37,119
My idea was to put me and the car in
one of the pods of the famous London Eye
920
00:48:37,205 --> 00:48:39,780
so we could have a picture right
at the top with a fantastic view.
921
00:48:39,865 --> 00:48:43,860
They want £50,000!
I thought he meant 50 quid.
922
00:48:43,945 --> 00:48:46,500
Let's think of
something else.
923
00:48:46,585 --> 00:48:49,244
I had done just that.
924
00:48:49,330 --> 00:48:51,767
For my Instagram picture,
I'm not messing about.
925
00:48:51,853 --> 00:48:55,916
I've recruited a top photographer and
I'm very excited, cos he's brilliant.
926
00:48:56,228 --> 00:48:57,990
Look at that.
927
00:48:59,701 --> 00:49:02,416
His name is David Yarrow.
928
00:49:02,502 --> 00:49:05,397
He's one of the world's
greatest wildlife photographers.
929
00:49:05,825 --> 00:49:09,470
And his plan was
to recreate this shot,
930
00:49:09,705 --> 00:49:12,751
using my car
instead of the tiger.
931
00:49:13,582 --> 00:49:14,916
So I'm coming in...
932
00:49:15,002 --> 00:49:17,541
The most important thing
is to have energy.
933
00:49:17,681 --> 00:49:19,861
It's got to be dynamic.
934
00:49:19,947 --> 00:49:24,103
And that means we need water
flying up between me and the car.
935
00:49:24,189 --> 00:49:27,533
I want to be as close safety-wise
as you'll allow me to be.
936
00:49:28,493 --> 00:49:31,250
Ah! Yeah, yeah.
I've got your number.
937
00:49:31,462 --> 00:49:33,350
OK.
938
00:49:34,298 --> 00:49:35,491
Back in London,
939
00:49:35,577 --> 00:49:38,421
I'd come up with
a brilliant idea.
940
00:49:42,455 --> 00:49:43,687
Morning.
941
00:49:57,365 --> 00:49:58,804
Morning.
942
00:50:02,405 --> 00:50:05,335
Hiya.
Put some clothes on.
943
00:50:06,485 --> 00:50:09,921
Eventually,
my shot was in the can.
944
00:50:11,864 --> 00:50:13,124
Ach!
945
00:50:14,405 --> 00:50:16,590
As was May's.
946
00:50:17,977 --> 00:50:20,977
And so, after
no work at all,
947
00:50:21,063 --> 00:50:22,547
was Jeremy's.
948
00:50:32,325 --> 00:50:36,980
Could... Could you have made any
less effort with that challenge?
949
00:50:37,141 --> 00:50:38,359
No, you're right.
950
00:50:38,445 --> 00:50:41,469
I should have put a puppy in
it, cos Instagram loves a dog.
951
00:50:41,938 --> 00:50:43,289
- Yeah.
- Anyone on Instagram,
952
00:50:43,375 --> 00:50:44,680
it's all just dogs, basically.
953
00:50:44,766 --> 00:50:47,281
Anyway, with our pictures
posted on Instagram,
954
00:50:47,367 --> 00:50:49,406
we were all given
another challenge,
955
00:50:49,492 --> 00:50:52,980
to see who could get the most
views of their car on YouTube.
956
00:50:53,149 --> 00:50:55,260
Yeah, now,
this is a tricky one.
957
00:50:55,345 --> 00:51:01,203
Because over 300 hours of footage
are uploaded to YouTube every minute.
958
00:51:01,289 --> 00:51:03,180
You wouldn't think
that many cats
959
00:51:03,265 --> 00:51:05,260
fell into
waste disposal units.
960
00:51:05,345 --> 00:51:07,000
No, I know, you wouldn't.
961
00:51:07,085 --> 00:51:09,060
Seems they do. So we had to
think of something special.
962
00:51:09,145 --> 00:51:13,040
How could we make our cars
shine in this crowded firmament?
963
00:51:13,125 --> 00:51:14,740
Push them into
a waste disposal unit?
964
00:51:14,825 --> 00:51:16,300
I think that's got to be it.
965
00:51:16,385 --> 00:51:19,100
Or what I did
to get my Ford noticed,
966
00:51:19,185 --> 00:51:22,070
I decided to stage
a big stunt.
967
00:51:23,845 --> 00:51:25,780
In order to make
my first stunt video,
968
00:51:25,865 --> 00:51:29,760
I went to a very long runway.
969
00:51:29,845 --> 00:51:33,390
And once my star performer
had warmed up...
970
00:51:34,565 --> 00:51:36,710
we were ready to roll.
971
00:51:39,833 --> 00:51:42,138
Today history is being made.
972
00:51:45,571 --> 00:51:46,891
Good luck.
973
00:51:55,857 --> 00:51:57,052
Oh.
974
00:51:57,160 --> 00:51:58,865
I can't watch.
975
00:52:08,605 --> 00:52:11,000
Yes!
976
00:52:11,266 --> 00:52:15,320
We are gonna break
the internet with that!
977
00:52:15,405 --> 00:52:19,680
Meanwhile, James had gone for
a rather different approach.
978
00:52:19,765 --> 00:52:22,360
If you go on YouTube,
which I do quite a lot,
979
00:52:22,445 --> 00:52:25,367
you will notice that something that's
very popular with so-called millennials
980
00:52:25,452 --> 00:52:27,080
is the unboxing video.
981
00:52:27,165 --> 00:52:30,880
It's usually something like an idle
student with nothing better to do
982
00:52:30,965 --> 00:52:33,220
simply taking something
they've bought out of the box
983
00:52:33,305 --> 00:52:34,880
and talking about it.
984
00:52:34,965 --> 00:52:37,880
Hey, what's going on?
The delivery guy's just left.
985
00:52:37,965 --> 00:52:41,020
Got it here and I haven't even
taken it out of the box yet. I got...
986
00:52:41,105 --> 00:52:44,980
This bloke is unboxing a new
television set he's bought.
987
00:52:45,065 --> 00:52:47,020
You guys ready?
988
00:52:47,105 --> 00:52:49,005
Whoa!
989
00:52:51,005 --> 00:52:52,780
Look how many hits it's got.
990
00:52:52,865 --> 00:52:55,280
The stand
is not mounted on it,
991
00:52:55,442 --> 00:52:57,427
you have to put
that on later.
992
00:53:01,925 --> 00:53:03,600
Hi, guys, it's May!
993
00:53:03,685 --> 00:53:06,580
Welcome, brothers and sisters
to my latest unboxing video.
994
00:53:06,665 --> 00:53:09,020
And this is a big one.
It's a car.
995
00:53:09,105 --> 00:53:12,350
Ohh!
996
00:53:16,845 --> 00:53:18,045
Oh, yes.
997
00:53:20,125 --> 00:53:22,590
Look how clean that is.
998
00:53:24,005 --> 00:53:25,875
Meanwhile,
Jeremy had decided
999
00:53:25,961 --> 00:53:28,159
to create a Fast Show, style
character
1000
00:53:28,245 --> 00:53:30,570
called David Soufflé.
1001
00:54:03,866 --> 00:54:05,521
Back at the airfield,
1002
00:54:05,607 --> 00:54:07,422
my next stunt was ready.
1003
00:54:07,662 --> 00:54:09,617
Right, now,
down there is a man.
1004
00:54:09,765 --> 00:54:12,160
I don't know his name
but it doesn't matter,
1005
00:54:12,245 --> 00:54:14,140
because in a moment
I'm gonna run him over.
1006
00:54:18,205 --> 00:54:19,790
And here we go.
1007
00:54:22,245 --> 00:54:25,766
Yes! Didn't kill a man!
1008
00:54:30,965 --> 00:54:33,141
Ooh, I like that a lot.
1009
00:55:05,196 --> 00:55:07,920
"At Toyota,
we want to do all we can"
1010
00:55:08,005 --> 00:55:12,063
to ensure that things go smoothly
when you are driving your vehicle.
1011
00:55:12,219 --> 00:55:15,016
Whether you are in your own
country or travelling abroad,
1012
00:55:15,102 --> 00:55:17,430
"you are welcome to contact us
if you think..."
1013
00:55:44,525 --> 00:55:48,540
Meanwhile, I was
ready for my final stunt,
1014
00:55:48,626 --> 00:55:53,231
using my car to get a man
in a boat across a lake.
1015
00:55:55,805 --> 00:55:59,400
I've no idea what's gonna happen
here in terms of limb breakages.
1016
00:55:59,485 --> 00:56:01,620
So I'm using
an office junior to do it.
1017
00:56:01,705 --> 00:56:04,880
He's cheap,
obedient and expendable,
1018
00:56:04,965 --> 00:56:07,380
the key ingredients
for stuff like this.
1019
00:56:07,465 --> 00:56:10,431
So let's make him
a YouTube star.
1020
00:56:12,925 --> 00:56:15,120
OK, now using
science and maths,
1021
00:56:15,205 --> 00:56:17,751
I have calculated
that 30 miles an hour
1022
00:56:17,837 --> 00:56:21,149
is the correct speed
to do this.
1023
00:56:22,681 --> 00:56:25,196
Here we go. Launching!
1024
00:56:27,485 --> 00:56:29,830
Come on, little fella.
1025
00:56:34,024 --> 00:56:35,179
Whoo!
1026
00:56:35,265 --> 00:56:37,160
Glorious! Well done!
1027
00:56:37,245 --> 00:56:39,220
You can have
Christmas Day off!
1028
00:56:40,925 --> 00:56:42,560
That was an impressive stunt.
1029
00:56:42,645 --> 00:56:44,300
Pretty cool, yeah.
I was pleased with that.
1030
00:56:44,385 --> 00:56:46,320
How's his therapy
working out?
1031
00:56:46,406 --> 00:56:48,021
Ok. He's getting over it.
1032
00:56:48,203 --> 00:56:51,120
OK, what we've got here
is the scoreboard
1033
00:56:51,205 --> 00:56:54,520
that will help us determine which is
the best of the small hot hatches.
1034
00:56:54,605 --> 00:56:58,180
We've already filled in the scores for
price, the pursuit race and the drag race.
1035
00:56:58,265 --> 00:57:00,180
Now we've got
the paparazzi thing.
1036
00:57:00,265 --> 00:57:02,000
Hammond, how did you get on?
1037
00:57:02,213 --> 00:57:04,528
You two put the
"pap in a bag", didn't you?
1038
00:57:04,685 --> 00:57:07,300
We did, but actually we should
sell those bags to celebrities.
1039
00:57:07,385 --> 00:57:09,320
We should, cos they're
rather clever.
1040
00:57:09,405 --> 00:57:12,351
You pull a drawstring, and not
only can't you take any pictures,
1041
00:57:12,437 --> 00:57:13,601
you can't get out of the car.
1042
00:57:13,694 --> 00:57:14,960
It's also technically
1043
00:57:15,046 --> 00:57:16,272
- false imprisonment.
- Yes.
1044
00:57:16,358 --> 00:57:18,540
- And therefore illegal.
- So's trapping a wasp in a jam jar.
1045
00:57:18,625 --> 00:57:20,060
Nobody complains about that,
do they?
1046
00:57:20,145 --> 00:57:22,120
Well, anyway, it didn't work.
1047
00:57:22,205 --> 00:57:24,580
Obviously there must have been
another pap we didn't spot,
1048
00:57:24,665 --> 00:57:27,150
because this picture
appeared.
1049
00:57:27,508 --> 00:57:29,103
Ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha!
1050
00:57:29,258 --> 00:57:31,393
No, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute.
1051
00:57:31,673 --> 00:57:34,408
The rule said
it had to have the car in it.
1052
00:57:34,494 --> 00:57:36,415
And I don't see the car
in that picture.
1053
00:57:36,501 --> 00:57:38,196
It also said Mail Online.
1054
00:57:38,282 --> 00:57:41,297
I'm guessing, there's some
evidence to suggest that is The Sun.
1055
00:57:43,484 --> 00:57:45,459
I hoped you
wouldn't spot that. We did.
1056
00:57:45,545 --> 00:57:46,820
I didn't do very well.
1057
00:57:46,905 --> 00:57:49,660
I think that gives you
a zero, Hammond.
1058
00:57:49,745 --> 00:57:51,080
So you get a zero.
1059
00:57:51,165 --> 00:57:53,140
Now, James May,
how did you get on,
1060
00:57:53,225 --> 00:57:56,440
taking the older woman out
for a curry in Hammersmith
1061
00:57:56,525 --> 00:57:58,880
and then parking your car in
an underground car park?
1062
00:57:58,965 --> 00:58:01,337
- Not that well, actually.
- How not that well?
1063
00:58:01,423 --> 00:58:04,134
- Nought, not that well.
- Not a single thing?
1064
00:58:04,220 --> 00:58:06,642
- My plan was rather successful.
- Was it?
1065
00:58:06,745 --> 00:58:11,931
49 pictures appeared, of my car and
me and Binky in The Mail Online.
1066
00:58:12,017 --> 00:58:14,126
- 49?
- 49 pictures.
1067
00:58:14,212 --> 00:58:17,120
Hang on a minute. 49 pictures
of a fat old bloke
1068
00:58:17,205 --> 00:58:19,658
and a young girl I've never
heard of changing a wheel?
1069
00:58:19,806 --> 00:58:21,620
I know. And the
extraordinary thing is,
1070
00:58:21,705 --> 00:58:23,845
I'd like to show you
the 49 pictures
1071
00:58:23,931 --> 00:58:27,158
but I got in touch with The
Mail Online yesterday, OK,
1072
00:58:27,330 --> 00:58:28,994
to say, "Can we have
the pictures?"
1073
00:58:29,080 --> 00:58:31,300
Do you want to know how much
they were gonna charge?
1074
00:58:31,385 --> 00:58:34,423
£122,000.
1075
00:58:34,509 --> 00:58:35,760
- What?
- Really?
1076
00:58:35,845 --> 00:58:39,110
I kid you not. They take a
picture of me, ruin my life,
1077
00:58:39,243 --> 00:58:42,020
and then for me
to buy the picture back
1078
00:58:42,105 --> 00:58:45,907
is £122,000!
1079
00:58:46,188 --> 00:58:48,384
There are 49 pictures
on here of you.
1080
00:58:48,470 --> 00:58:51,253
Don't show the cameras, otherwise
there'll be a bill for 120 grand.
1081
00:58:51,339 --> 00:58:54,642
- But the good thing is...
- Exactly. Because of that, you score 49.
1082
00:58:54,728 --> 00:58:56,635
Yes, I'm afraid he does.
There's no getting around that.
1083
00:58:56,720 --> 00:58:59,681
Yes, I do. Which moves us on to Instagram.
- Ok.
1084
00:58:59,767 --> 00:59:02,223
James May, how did you do
with your picture on the bus?
1085
00:59:02,546 --> 00:59:04,048
I scored nought.
1086
00:59:04,133 --> 00:59:05,594
- Nought?
- Yeah.
1087
00:59:05,680 --> 00:59:07,935
- How did you get nought?
- Well, it's quite interesting.
1088
00:59:08,021 --> 00:59:10,916
I didn't have an Instagram
account so I set one up.
1089
00:59:11,125 --> 00:59:13,400
- There's a surprise.
- No, but I set one up.
1090
00:59:13,485 --> 00:59:15,462
And then as I was
setting it up, I realised
1091
00:59:15,548 --> 00:59:18,259
there was someone else on
Instagram pretending to be me.
1092
00:59:18,400 --> 00:59:22,126
So I filled in that reporting thing
that pulls down and I sent it off.
1093
00:59:22,236 --> 00:59:25,500
All credit to Instagram, they reacted
very quickly, by that afternoon, in fact.
1094
00:59:25,585 --> 00:59:27,140
And they shut me down.
1095
00:59:27,225 --> 00:59:28,915
You?
1096
00:59:29,001 --> 00:59:30,860
Yeah, they didn't shut down
the fake James May.
1097
00:59:30,945 --> 00:59:32,560
They shut the real one down.
1098
00:59:32,645 --> 00:59:34,288
- They killed the wrong James May?
- Yeah.
1099
00:59:34,381 --> 00:59:36,649
Ok. That's quite interesting.
What's interesting me, though,
1100
00:59:36,734 --> 00:59:39,500
is that there's a man somewhere
out in the world, or woman,
1101
00:59:39,655 --> 00:59:42,460
who's thought, "I could
pretend to be anyone I like."
1102
00:59:42,545 --> 00:59:44,480
I shall pretend to be
James May."
1103
00:59:44,565 --> 00:59:46,220
- I know.
- Not very ambitious!
1104
00:59:46,305 --> 00:59:47,679
Why wouldn't you be
George Clooney?
1105
00:59:47,765 --> 00:59:50,539
Anyway, the net result of
that, as they say in the army,
1106
00:59:50,625 --> 00:59:52,859
is that I have... nought.
1107
00:59:53,132 --> 00:59:55,718
- You're doing very well!
- I've got one, yeah.
1108
00:59:55,804 --> 00:59:57,960
So, Hammond,
how did you get on?
1109
00:59:58,045 --> 01:00:01,413
Well, my picture
was brilliant. Look at it.
1110
01:00:01,517 --> 01:00:03,218
Look at that!
1111
01:00:03,304 --> 01:00:06,421
No, apart from the slogan with
the sexual intercourse enthusiast,
1112
01:00:06,507 --> 01:00:08,843
that is an amazing
photograph, granted.
1113
01:00:08,929 --> 01:00:13,007
So how many people have viewed
it and liked it on Instagram?
1114
01:00:13,224 --> 01:00:14,459
Nine.
1115
01:00:15,866 --> 01:00:17,821
- They blocked you as well?
- Nine. No.
1116
01:00:17,907 --> 01:00:20,976
I don't really do Instagram,
so I don't have many followers.
1117
01:00:21,145 --> 01:00:23,100
So only nine people
have seen it.
1118
01:00:23,185 --> 01:00:25,437
Oh, dear, cos I got 54,000.
1119
01:00:25,523 --> 01:00:27,418
Oh, for God's sake!
1120
01:00:27,504 --> 01:00:29,640
Yes, but you do do Instagram!
1121
01:00:29,725 --> 01:00:31,580
- Yes, I do.
- So you got lots of followers.
1122
01:00:31,665 --> 01:00:33,054
Put in 54,000.
1123
01:00:33,140 --> 01:00:35,444
Let's look at this in a more
positive light, Hammond.
1124
01:00:35,530 --> 01:00:37,194
He has got 1.6 million.
1125
01:00:37,280 --> 01:00:39,038
- Instagram followers.
- Yes.
1126
01:00:39,124 --> 01:00:42,757
So 1.46 million people actively
didn't like his picture.
1127
01:00:42,843 --> 01:00:44,694
- That's another way of looking at it.
- Loser!
1128
01:00:44,780 --> 01:00:47,340
It wasn't my best work,
I admit. It was a hurried shot.
1129
01:00:47,425 --> 01:00:49,640
- What was it?
- 54,000.
1130
01:00:49,726 --> 01:00:51,860
That does
change the score line a bit.
1131
01:00:51,945 --> 01:00:55,624
It changes the score line a
lot, cos I'm now on 54,053.
1132
01:00:55,765 --> 01:00:58,560
- Right, OK.
- And you're on one.
1133
01:00:58,645 --> 01:01:01,523
Anyway, I also... It gets
worse, I'm afraid, for you two.
1134
01:01:01,655 --> 01:01:04,640
Because YouTube.
I didn't add them all up,
1135
01:01:04,725 --> 01:01:08,038
but my first David Soufflé
video on YouTube...
1136
01:01:08,225 --> 01:01:13,000
- 266,000 views.
- Oh, God.
1137
01:01:13,085 --> 01:01:16,265
More than a quarter
of a million people.
1138
01:01:22,005 --> 01:01:23,226
You are ahead now.
1139
01:01:23,319 --> 01:01:27,624
Yes, I'm... comfortably
in the lead, I would say.
1140
01:01:27,710 --> 01:01:29,540
So, come on, Hammond?
1141
01:01:29,625 --> 01:01:31,560
16,800.
1142
01:01:31,645 --> 01:01:33,220
What, for all that effort?
1143
01:01:33,305 --> 01:01:35,240
I know!
I don't get it either.
1144
01:01:35,325 --> 01:01:38,007
Because I gave it a really
cool, tempting caption.
1145
01:01:38,093 --> 01:01:39,110
It said... look...
1146
01:01:45,547 --> 01:01:46,992
Who doesn't want
to look at that?
1147
01:01:47,078 --> 01:01:48,559
You actually put that
as the caption?
1148
01:01:48,645 --> 01:01:49,860
That's what it said,
it's clickbait.
1149
01:01:49,945 --> 01:01:51,453
Then the YouTube
millennials thought,
1150
01:01:51,539 --> 01:01:53,019
"No, I'd rather watch
a cat going..."?
1151
01:01:53,111 --> 01:01:54,791
- They must have done.
- That's ridiculous.
1152
01:01:54,945 --> 01:01:56,065
I'm sorry, that is pathetic.
1153
01:01:56,156 --> 01:01:58,600
Young people,
you're pathetic.
1154
01:01:58,685 --> 01:02:00,820
Right, so, there we are,
those are the scores.
1155
01:02:00,905 --> 01:02:02,680
- You're out.
- Yes.
1156
01:02:02,765 --> 01:02:04,740
And, James,
I'm looking and I'm thinking,
1157
01:02:04,825 --> 01:02:06,539
just doing quick adding up...
1158
01:02:06,625 --> 01:02:09,852
Unless you manage to find
1159
01:02:09,938 --> 01:02:12,539
325,000 people
1160
01:02:12,734 --> 01:02:15,211
who are prepared
to spend 16 minutes...
1161
01:02:15,297 --> 01:02:17,274
Cos that's how long
that unboxing video was.
1162
01:02:17,360 --> 01:02:21,899
16 minutes watching you
taking a small Toyota hatchback
1163
01:02:21,985 --> 01:02:24,460
out of a cardboard box,
I've won.
1164
01:02:24,685 --> 01:02:26,234
- Yes.
- So?
1165
01:02:26,372 --> 01:02:29,453
330...
1166
01:02:30,947 --> 01:02:32,822
thousand!
1167
01:02:42,325 --> 01:02:44,300
For taking a car
out of a box?
1168
01:02:44,385 --> 01:02:46,172
Oh, he's doing the dance.
1169
01:02:47,117 --> 01:02:49,516
How does he always
manage to win?
1170
01:02:49,602 --> 01:02:51,760
Well. I think on this occasion
it was partly because
1171
01:02:51,845 --> 01:02:55,680
you tried to appeal to millennials by
creating a Fast Show type character
1172
01:02:55,765 --> 01:02:58,203
when nobody under 40 has ever
heard of The Fast Show.
1173
01:02:58,289 --> 01:03:00,203
Right. You might as well
have done the comedy
1174
01:03:00,289 --> 01:03:02,422
adventures of Neville
Chamberlain in 1939.
1175
01:03:02,508 --> 01:03:03,659
That would have been better.
1176
01:03:03,745 --> 01:03:07,266
So because there are more
people who'd rather watch
1177
01:03:07,352 --> 01:03:09,844
an old man take
a small car out of a box,
1178
01:03:09,930 --> 01:03:14,172
than watch him endangering an office
junior or me wearing a moustache,
1179
01:03:14,258 --> 01:03:19,156
we have to deduce that the best
of the small hot hatchbacks
1180
01:03:19,285 --> 01:03:21,240
is comfortably the worst.
1181
01:03:21,325 --> 01:03:23,036
Yeah, that is our conclusion.
1182
01:03:23,122 --> 01:03:25,339
And on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.
1183
01:03:25,425 --> 01:03:28,240
Thank you so much for watching,
see you next time. Goodbye!
1184
01:03:28,340 --> 01:03:30,630
Sync corrections by srjanapala