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<font color=#FF00FF>*THE GRAND TOUR*</font>
<font color=#00FF00>Season 03  Episode 12</font>
Episode Title: <font color=#FFFF00>"Legends and Luggage"</font>

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- Hello.
- Hello.

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Thank you, everybody.

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Hello. Hello.

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Hello!

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- Hello!
- Hello.

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Hello, everybody.

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- Thank you.
- Hello.

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Thank you so much, thank you.

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And coming up
in this week's show...

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James stands next to a car...

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...Richard pulls a face...

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...and some Toblerone
falls over.

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Exciting stuff.

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Exciting stuff.

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It is, um... It is
an action-packed show.

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But we start with Lancia.

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I've said many times that
over the last hundred years,

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no-one has made
more truly exciting cars.

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There was the Integrale
and the Stratos,

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and the Fulvia, and the 037 -
the list goes on, and on -

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and yet all they make today

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is a steaming pile of ordure
called the Ypsilon.

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Look at it.

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I would rather have
a maggot-infested wound

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than drive one of those.

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Honestly makes me sad that they've
been reduced to making that,

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and it turns out
I'm not the only one.

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There's a man in
Italy called Eugenio Amos,

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who looked at
the old Delta Integrale

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and found himself
wondering...

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What would it be like
if Lancia made it today?

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How would it feel?
How would it go?

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And then he stopped wondering
and decided to find out.

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This is what he came up with.

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The engine is
a 16-valve 2-litre turbo,

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as it was before,

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but it has new rods,
new pistons,

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a new turbocharger,

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and a lot of
electronic tweaking.

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So now it develops
330 horsepower!

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That's 140 more
than you got in the old car!

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And there's more good news.

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Most of the body panels
and suspension components

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are now made from either
aluminium or carbon fibre.

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And there are
two advantages to that.

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Number one, they won't rust,

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and number two,
they're light.

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And because of all this work,
this car is pretty quick.

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There's a fair bit of period
turbo lag, as you can hear.

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But when it gets on song...

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Bloody hell!

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It does 0-60 in four seconds.

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And flat-out, it'll be doing
more than 160 miles an hour.

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The best thing, though, is that all the
understeer you got in the original car

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has been replaced with...

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an extraordinary amount
of grip and neutrality.

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It is a bloody brilliant car,
this.

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Look at this!

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It is properly quick
through there.

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Yes, I like this.

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Don't go thinking, however,

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that all of
the Lancia idiosyncrasies

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have been erased.

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The steering wheel is mounted
low down between my legs,

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so I can't see
any of the dials.

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And then here we've got
a lot of buttons and knobs

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that don't seem to do
anything at all.

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I know this red one
with the rocket ship -

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or is it a Philippe Starck
lemon squeezer?

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I know that
starts the engine.

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But all the rest, no clue
at all, I'm afraid. No clue.

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What does "levati" mean?

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To find out, I pulled over
to chat with Eugenio,

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the man who created this car.

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A man who turned out to be,
let's say, fully Italian.

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- On the steering wheel...
- Mm-hm?

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...I've been a bit confused
by this button.

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Levati? Well,
"levati" in Italian means,

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it's the translation of
the word, like, "move".

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You press that button
and you flash the lights,

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and hopefully people
will move from your way.

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So it just means... That's
Italian for "get out of my way"?

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Yes, exactly.

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After clearing that up, he
really got into his stride.

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- Did you weld that?
- Personally?

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- Mm.
- No. It's like porn.

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- Porn?
- It's welding porn.

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- What's the gold?
- Um, it's to...

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Basically,
it would have a function.

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Not in this case.
We just like it.

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OK. It's pretty.

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- So it's just a pretty gold bar?
- Yes.

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Why did you do two doors?

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Two doors?
Because... Why not?

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- I think it looks cool.
- It looks very snazzy.

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And then how would you
describe that bottom now?

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Well, it's... I would say
it's a very nice ass.

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- Mm-hm.
- And this is the more... small detail.

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I would say it's like the thong
that comes out from the jeans.

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That's... OK.

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With everything fully explained,
I got back on the move.

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You have got to love
the Italians, haven't you?

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I mean, Eugenio said
a lot of the stuff in here

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wasn't working because, "If it was
working, then it would be an Audi."

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I love this car precisely
because it isn't an Audi.

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And I love it because someone
cared enough to make it.

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And I love it most of all

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because it's giving me
my youth back.

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There is, however,
one problem.

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It costs a quarter
of a million pounds.

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And I'm sorry,
but if I was going to spurt

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big lumps of money on
an updated classic Lancia,

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I'd spurt them on the most
classic Lancia of them all...

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the Stratos.

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Yes, you couldn't fit in it if
you were shaped like a human,

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and thanks to its
signature short wheelbase,

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it handled like a psychopath.

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But, a few years back,

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a team of people
from all across Europe,

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including Germany's
13th best horse rider,

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got together and wondered

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what a modern Stratos
would be like.

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And then they stopped
wondering and got to work.

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They bought a Ferrari 430,

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removed the entire body
and threw it away.

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And then 20 centimetres was cut
from the wheelbase of what remained.

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After this,
the V8 was uprated

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and so was the cockpit frame.

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A new exhaust system
was fitted

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and then a new
carbon fibre body was made

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to create this...

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The new Stratos.

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Pretty, isn't it?

135
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And it's even better
when you get inside.

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Look at this. I fit.
And there's air-conditioning,

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and a button that changes the
setting of the traction control.

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And it's got door pockets

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big enough
for a crash helmet,

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just like in the original.

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Right, let's see if this is
just misty-eyed nostalgia,

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or whether it actually works.

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It is not
misty-eyed nostalgia.

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The first thing you notice
is the stiffness.

145
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:32,983
And then there's
the lightness.

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It's actually 100 kilograms lighter
than the Ferrari on which it's based.

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You can certainly feel that
when you accelerate.

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Nought to 60...

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Three point three seconds.

150
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And it'll keep on going
all the way past 200!

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This is alarmingly fast!

152
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Jesus H Christ!

153
00:11:07,388 --> 00:11:10,023
You sense it too
in the corners.

154
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It's just so darty.

155
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It's like driving a...
a dragonfly.

156
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I thought the McLaren Senna
felt light, but this...

157
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Jesus.

158
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And because of
the short wheelbase,

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it's incredibly playful.

160
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Never does
the same thing twice.

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Here I come
to Your Name Here.

162
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Let's try that again,
same corner,

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same input, same line.

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It's got understeer
this time.

165
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Same input.

166
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There we go!
There you are, ha-ha.

167
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This is a complete mentalist.

168
00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:22,483
It's like one of those
interactive computer books

169
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where you choose the ending.

170
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Except you don't choose
the ending.

171
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It does.

172
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This, then, is very like
the original Stratos.

173
00:12:38,108 --> 00:12:39,563
Which means you have to be

174
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an utterly, utterly
brilliant driver

175
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to get the best out of it.

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If you aren't a particularly
brilliant driver, well...

177
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Yeah. This is going
to happen a lot.

178
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I don't care, though, because
spinning and having accidents,

179
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it's like falling off your Raleigh
Burner BMX, which is what this car...

180
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...is.

181
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Unfortunately, however,

182
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it's not priced like
a Raleigh Burner BMX.

183
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It's actually priced like
a really big house.

184
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Pity.

185
00:13:36,948 --> 00:13:39,423
One of my favourite,
most exciting, cars.

186
00:13:39,508 --> 00:13:41,323
- Uh-huh?
- Yeah, no, I loved it.

187
00:13:41,408 --> 00:13:42,783
I really did love it.

188
00:13:42,868 --> 00:13:44,603
Good. Yeah,
that's all well and good.

189
00:13:44,688 --> 00:13:45,803
- Mm?
- Go on, then.

190
00:13:45,888 --> 00:13:47,563
- What?
- How much is it?

191
00:13:47,648 --> 00:13:51,083
- £650,000.
- For God's sake! Really?

192
00:13:51,168 --> 00:13:54,903
- £650,000?
- Yes.

193
00:13:54,988 --> 00:13:56,923
For an old Ferrari with
a bit sawn out of the middle?

194
00:13:57,008 --> 00:13:58,989
Well, it's a bit more
than that.

195
00:13:59,075 --> 00:14:02,450
Look, if you want a Stratos, why
don't you just buy a Stratos?

196
00:14:02,536 --> 00:14:04,747
I don't fit in
the original Stratos.

197
00:14:04,856 --> 00:14:07,663
Well, you would if we sawed a
bit out of the middle of you.

198
00:14:07,748 --> 00:14:09,563
- I've just remembered something.
- What?

199
00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:12,129
- I don't want to talk to you two any more.
- Do you not?

200
00:14:12,215 --> 00:14:16,145
No, I want to see how fast Abbie
can get that remarkable Stratos...

201
00:14:16,231 --> 00:14:18,129
That unremarkable
old Ferrari...

202
00:14:18,215 --> 00:14:21,130
...Stratos
around the Eboladrome.

203
00:14:23,708 --> 00:14:26,543
Away it goes,
looking magnificent

204
00:14:26,628 --> 00:14:28,643
and sounding pretty good too.

205
00:14:30,028 --> 00:14:32,933
Immediately onto
the Isn't Straight.

206
00:14:35,428 --> 00:14:38,403
Ooh, easing off a little there
for one of the right-handers,

207
00:14:38,488 --> 00:14:42,143
but very, very tidy
through there.

208
00:14:42,228 --> 00:14:45,863
Now, Abbie dropping into
Your Name Here,

209
00:14:45,948 --> 00:14:48,689
and even tidier
through there.

210
00:14:48,775 --> 00:14:51,583
But, how many random
handling tricks

211
00:14:51,668 --> 00:14:53,243
will we get round there?

212
00:14:53,328 --> 00:14:56,413
Absolutely none at all.
It's nailed there!

213
00:14:57,708 --> 00:15:00,743
Flicking out
the other side like a flea,

214
00:15:00,828 --> 00:15:03,763
and already on the run
back to Old Lady's House.

215
00:15:03,848 --> 00:15:06,523
It's faster and sharper,
a Ferrari improved

216
00:15:06,608 --> 00:15:09,943
by the removal of
needless weight and length.

217
00:15:10,028 --> 00:15:12,383
Now, Old Lady's House,
here we go.

218
00:15:12,468 --> 00:15:14,623
Danced through there
brilliantly.

219
00:15:14,708 --> 00:15:17,523
And absolutely brilliant
through the second bit as well.

220
00:15:17,608 --> 00:15:21,223
And now the full-bore run
to Substation.

221
00:15:21,308 --> 00:15:23,703
That thing looks epic.

222
00:15:23,788 --> 00:15:25,823
Stable under braking,
tidy through the corner.

223
00:15:25,908 --> 00:15:28,803
Bit of a squiggle on the way out.
Anything through Field of Sheep?

224
00:15:28,888 --> 00:15:31,400
No, tidy as anything
and across the line!

225
00:15:32,668 --> 00:15:34,123
You've got to admit,
that did look...

226
00:15:34,208 --> 00:15:36,283
- It looks very exciting.
- That does look quick.

227
00:15:36,368 --> 00:15:38,823
- It does. Yeah.
- It does.

228
00:15:38,908 --> 00:15:40,343
It looks very exciting.

229
00:15:40,428 --> 00:15:42,323
I particularly enjoyed
the bit where you said,

230
00:15:42,408 --> 00:15:44,903
"improved by the removal of
needless length and weight."

231
00:15:44,988 --> 00:15:47,123
Well, that's me, isn't it?
I mean, that is clearly...

232
00:15:47,208 --> 00:15:49,423
Just... Just... No, I still
don't want to talk to you.

233
00:15:49,508 --> 00:15:51,624
- Do you not? How fast did it go?
- No. No. Yes, What... exactly.

234
00:15:51,709 --> 00:15:53,721
Let's find out. There.
Look, there's the board.

235
00:15:53,807 --> 00:15:56,861
Let's see
where the Stratos goes on it.

236
00:15:57,588 --> 00:15:59,103
Yeah. Oh.

237
00:15:59,188 --> 00:16:01,863
- 17th. That's not bad.
- No, hang on a minute.

238
00:16:01,948 --> 00:16:05,003
- What do you mean, "Hang on a minute"?
- That's over a second slower

239
00:16:05,088 --> 00:16:07,903
than a four-door BMW saloon.

240
00:16:07,988 --> 00:16:09,803
Yeah. Yeah, no, it is slower,

241
00:16:09,888 --> 00:16:12,383
but it's a lot more
expensive, so...

242
00:16:12,468 --> 00:16:14,103
- Good point.
- Tell you what.

243
00:16:14,188 --> 00:16:15,883
Let's find out how fast
the Delta went, OK?

244
00:16:15,968 --> 00:16:17,503
Integrale. Here we go.

245
00:16:17,588 --> 00:16:19,603
Didn't bother filming it,
but we have got the time.

246
00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:20,983
Ah... Oh.

247
00:16:21,068 --> 00:16:22,923
Yeah. Now, an old...

248
00:16:23,008 --> 00:16:27,549
No, look at it this way. It's
actually the same speed as a BMW M2.

249
00:16:27,635 --> 00:16:29,408
I think I can also claim
quite reasonably

250
00:16:29,494 --> 00:16:32,416
that the old Mercedes A45

251
00:16:32,502 --> 00:16:34,322
would go round the track
faster than that.

252
00:16:34,408 --> 00:16:36,088
Yeah, and be a hell of
a lot cheaper,

253
00:16:36,173 --> 00:16:37,713
- just a fact.
- Yes, but, but,

254
00:16:37,799 --> 00:16:39,674
everything
on a Mercedes would work,

255
00:16:39,775 --> 00:16:42,166
and who wants that? Be dull.

256
00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:44,263
It's what Eu...
It's what Eugenio was saying.

257
00:16:44,348 --> 00:16:47,583
You don't want German. You aren't in
the Italian frame of mind, you two.

258
00:16:47,668 --> 00:16:49,620
- Are we not?
- No, you're not. That's the trouble.

259
00:16:49,705 --> 00:16:52,103
Has anyone here got an Italian car?

260
00:16:52,188 --> 00:16:54,486
No, they're not here, are they?
They didn't make it.

261
00:16:54,572 --> 00:16:56,010
It's raining.

262
00:16:56,096 --> 00:16:58,103
Did you... Yes, that is
a good point, actually.

263
00:16:58,188 --> 00:17:00,923
It's also very windy, and before the
tent blows away, we should get on.

264
00:17:01,008 --> 00:17:03,893
We should. We must move on,
because now it is time for us

265
00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:08,054
to score a bag of chat
from the dealer of debate...

266
00:17:08,248 --> 00:17:11,943
- God.
- ...on Conversation Street.

267
00:17:17,988 --> 00:17:20,203
I like that one.
I really like that one.

268
00:17:20,288 --> 00:17:22,299
It's my favourite.

269
00:17:23,981 --> 00:17:26,347
I don't even remember
my head coming off.

270
00:17:26,433 --> 00:17:27,292
I do.

271
00:17:27,378 --> 00:17:28,783
Anyway,
look, let's get on with it.

272
00:17:28,868 --> 00:17:30,805
I've got some very interesting
news for you, James.

273
00:17:30,891 --> 00:17:33,643
Oh, God! Not more speed
of bloody birds, please.

274
00:17:33,728 --> 00:17:35,943
- Oh, is it?
- No.

275
00:17:36,028 --> 00:17:38,943
- Speed of fish.
- Oh, for God's sake, no.

276
00:17:39,028 --> 00:17:40,403
- Go on, go on.
- OK.

277
00:17:40,488 --> 00:17:44,416
How fast do you think
a salmon can cross a road?

278
00:17:44,502 --> 00:17:48,111
Salmon don't cross roads.
You're thinking of a chicken.

279
00:17:48,221 --> 00:17:52,268
You say that. Watch this piece of
footage I found on the internet.

280
00:17:52,541 --> 00:17:54,283
- Look at that! 
- What, are they salmon?

281
00:17:54,368 --> 00:17:56,623
- They're fish?
- It's actually salmons.

282
00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:58,603
Oh, no, that is
actually quite interesting.

283
00:17:58,688 --> 00:18:01,203
It is. Look at them! There's
hundreds of them going across a road.

284
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:03,663
- What are they doing?
- This is the interesting thing.

285
00:18:03,748 --> 00:18:06,629
If I were a salmon... And they have
to go back to their breeding ground,

286
00:18:06,715 --> 00:18:08,008
or spawning ground,
don't they?

287
00:18:08,094 --> 00:18:10,203
I wouldn't be bothered. I'd
just stay on the other side.

288
00:18:10,288 --> 00:18:11,543
"Oh, I'll have
the baby here."

289
00:18:11,628 --> 00:18:13,303
When my children were born,
I didn't think,

290
00:18:13,388 --> 00:18:14,683
"I've got to get back
to Doncaster!"

291
00:18:14,768 --> 00:18:16,323
I just went to
the nearest hospital.

292
00:18:16,408 --> 00:18:19,443
No, salmon are very determined.
You have to respect them for that.

293
00:18:19,528 --> 00:18:22,663
Actually, fish, I think,
are pretty cool.

294
00:18:22,748 --> 00:18:24,763
Actually, is it not
remarkable that car-makers

295
00:18:24,848 --> 00:18:27,023
have never named cars
after fish?

296
00:18:27,108 --> 00:18:28,303
Good conversation.

297
00:18:28,388 --> 00:18:29,963
They've named them after,
you know...

298
00:18:30,048 --> 00:18:31,743
Big cats, they've done.

299
00:18:31,828 --> 00:18:33,283
- Birds. Lots of birds.
- Birds they've done.

300
00:18:33,368 --> 00:18:35,303
- The weather.
- Greek gods.

301
00:18:35,388 --> 00:18:37,843
Why has there never been
a Ferrari Salmon?

302
00:18:37,928 --> 00:18:40,843
Determined, agile,
good at cornering.

303
00:18:40,928 --> 00:18:42,423
Lamborghini Tuna.

304
00:18:42,508 --> 00:18:45,183
Yeah, I was gonna...
The tuna is a very fast fish.

305
00:18:45,268 --> 00:18:47,963
- 40 miles an hour, a tuna will go.
- Faster than a speedboat.

306
00:18:48,048 --> 00:18:49,843
Faster than a jet-ski
you rent on holiday.

307
00:18:49,928 --> 00:18:52,643
It's a brilliant idea. I can't
wait for the Ford Haddock.

308
00:18:52,728 --> 00:18:54,583
Mm.

309
00:18:54,668 --> 00:18:57,443
Can anyone think of a car
that's been named after a fish?

310
00:18:57,529 --> 00:18:59,124
- Stingray.
- Barracuda.

311
00:18:59,210 --> 00:19:01,622
- Oh, now...
- There's the Stingray...

312
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:03,761
Stingray, yes.
Barracuda. Manta.

313
00:19:03,847 --> 00:19:04,894
Manta.

314
00:19:04,980 --> 00:19:07,808
Isn't it amazing how all cars
are named after fish?

315
00:19:08,048 --> 00:19:12,183
- It's an astonishing thing.
- We can edit all that other stuff out.

316
00:19:12,268 --> 00:19:14,581
Yeah, the audience knows
a lot more than we do.

317
00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:16,207
That's basically
what we're talking about.

318
00:19:16,292 --> 00:19:18,123
I'd completely forgotten
about the Barracuda.

319
00:19:18,208 --> 00:19:20,763
Plymouth Barracuda, yeah, and the Opel.
Yes, absolutely.

320
00:19:20,848 --> 00:19:22,963
Now, you know
we've always said

321
00:19:23,048 --> 00:19:25,718
that Canada
is God's pantry, yeah?

322
00:19:25,804 --> 00:19:26,907
Yes.

323
00:19:26,993 --> 00:19:29,183
And that Saudi Arabia
is his petrol station.

324
00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:31,323
Yeah, and Lancashire is his
cupboard under the stairs.

325
00:19:31,408 --> 00:19:33,343
Our tent's
about to blow down.

326
00:19:33,428 --> 00:19:34,763
Exactly. This is
the wind tunnel.

327
00:19:34,848 --> 00:19:36,343
France is
his drinks globe.

328
00:19:36,428 --> 00:19:37,803
France is the drinks globe.

329
00:19:37,888 --> 00:19:41,403
Argentina is his cesspit,
Bol... Bolivia is his...

330
00:19:41,488 --> 00:19:43,183
Yeah.

331
00:19:43,268 --> 00:19:45,813
Yeah. It is.

332
00:19:46,828 --> 00:19:49,423
You really got that one,
yeah.

333
00:19:49,508 --> 00:19:51,043
Point I'm trying to make,
though, is,

334
00:19:51,128 --> 00:19:54,103
as we've always agreed,
Italy is his race track, yes?

335
00:19:54,188 --> 00:19:55,643
- Yeah.
- This is a known fact.

336
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:58,423
We saw it earlier with the
Integrale and the Stratos.

337
00:19:58,508 --> 00:20:00,083
Now, this is a point
that's been proved,

338
00:20:00,168 --> 00:20:02,523
because the mayor of
a small hamlet,

339
00:20:02,608 --> 00:20:06,743
um, called Acquetico in...
near the French border,

340
00:20:06,828 --> 00:20:08,823
he installed a speed camera

341
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:10,783
on a two-week trial period,
OK?

342
00:20:10,868 --> 00:20:13,583
Now, we've got a picture of
the village in question here.

343
00:20:13,668 --> 00:20:16,923
Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, we're
not talking about a vast metropolis here.

344
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:20,023
Now, in the two-week trial
period of the speed camera,

345
00:20:20,108 --> 00:20:23,013
the number of people it caught
breaking the speed limit was...

346
00:20:23,708 --> 00:20:25,663
- ...58,560.
- What?

347
00:20:25,748 --> 00:20:28,403
There, in that village?

348
00:20:28,488 --> 00:20:31,863
- 58,500, in two weeks!
- What?

349
00:20:31,948 --> 00:20:34,143
They can't help themselves,
the Italians, can they?

350
00:20:34,228 --> 00:20:36,403
Well, wait a minute. That
many in two weeks, during...

351
00:20:36,488 --> 00:20:39,043
- Let's assume it was quieter at night. It looks it.
- Yeah.

352
00:20:39,128 --> 00:20:41,603
So during the day there must
have been at least one car

353
00:20:41,688 --> 00:20:43,783
every ten seconds
setting the camera off.

354
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,883
People would have been
done twice a day. No, wait.

355
00:20:45,968 --> 00:20:47,743
On the way to work,
then back for lunch,

356
00:20:47,828 --> 00:20:49,541
then back to work,
then back home at night.

357
00:20:49,627 --> 00:20:52,343
"It's happened again."
"This flashing is annoying."

358
00:20:52,428 --> 00:20:56,163
What I, what I love, though,
is the mayor is still deciding

359
00:20:56,248 --> 00:20:58,943
whether a speed camera
is necessary.

360
00:20:59,028 --> 00:21:01,063
What does he want?

361
00:21:01,148 --> 00:21:03,683
He's quoted in one of the
papers I read the other day

362
00:21:03,768 --> 00:21:06,563
as saying, "Well, the problem
is we have good asphalt

363
00:21:06,648 --> 00:21:08,303
and long continuous bends."

364
00:21:08,388 --> 00:21:10,683
So, he's basically said,
"It's a really nice road,

365
00:21:10,768 --> 00:21:12,743
so of course people
are going to speed."

366
00:21:12,828 --> 00:21:15,683
"Plus, we're Italian, so what
do you expect?" No, good effort.

367
00:21:15,768 --> 00:21:18,563
Meanwhile, in the UK,
things are rather different.

368
00:21:18,648 --> 00:21:21,423
Um, there's a man in
Bedfordshire, right, he's...

369
00:21:21,508 --> 00:21:24,363
Which is a county in England-land
if you're watching elsewhere.

370
00:21:24,448 --> 00:21:26,943
Er, and he's put
a fake speed camera

371
00:21:27,028 --> 00:21:29,143
on the side of his house,
which is by the A1.

372
00:21:29,228 --> 00:21:30,683
We're got a picture
of it here.

373
00:21:30,768 --> 00:21:33,423
As you can see,
it is very realistic.

374
00:21:33,508 --> 00:21:34,923
- Would you agree, yeah?
- Completely.

375
00:21:35,008 --> 00:21:36,683
And he's been told
to take it down

376
00:21:36,768 --> 00:21:41,903
because the highways agency
say it's distracting drivers.

377
00:21:41,988 --> 00:21:44,103
Oh, wait. Wait a minute.

378
00:21:44,188 --> 00:21:46,123
- Yeah.
- The highways agency have said

379
00:21:46,208 --> 00:21:48,863
something that looks exactly
like a speed camera

380
00:21:48,948 --> 00:21:50,623
- is distracting drivers?
- Yeah.

381
00:21:50,708 --> 00:21:52,603
They've rather shot themselves
in the foot with that one.

382
00:21:52,688 --> 00:21:54,503
Yeah, because
what they're saying is

383
00:21:54,588 --> 00:21:57,307
speed cameras are distracting drivers
and they're therefore dangerous.

384
00:21:57,392 --> 00:22:00,263
Speed cameras,
according to the government,

385
00:22:00,348 --> 00:22:02,623
are killing baby children
and small puppy dogs.

386
00:22:02,708 --> 00:22:04,543
So, shall we have a vote?

387
00:22:04,628 --> 00:22:06,083
Yeah, let's have...
Do we all agree?

388
00:22:06,168 --> 00:22:08,443
Who thinks all speed cameras
should be removed?

389
00:22:08,528 --> 00:22:12,023
Yes! Highways
agency, we agree with you.

390
00:22:12,108 --> 00:22:14,363
- We support you in your campaign.
- 100%...

391
00:22:14,448 --> 00:22:16,683
- 100% of us.
- ...of the British population

392
00:22:16,768 --> 00:22:19,197
agree that they should all
be taken down now.

393
00:22:19,283 --> 00:22:21,123
- Good, that's that sorted.
- Cleared that up. Good.

394
00:22:21,208 --> 00:22:22,663
Er, I'd like to move...

395
00:22:22,748 --> 00:22:25,003
I've got some very big and
interesting conversation, actually.

396
00:22:25,088 --> 00:22:28,703
- Peugeot... have made an interesting car.
- Mmm.

397
00:22:28,788 --> 00:22:30,343
- Bet they haven't.
- Er, no chance.

398
00:22:30,428 --> 00:22:32,083
No, they have. I've got
a picture of it here, look.

399
00:22:32,168 --> 00:22:34,143
It is called the e-Legend.

400
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:36,330
- Ooh, hang on.
- It has two electric motors.

401
00:22:36,416 --> 00:22:39,783
It has 456 horsepower
and it is designed

402
00:22:39,868 --> 00:22:42,423
to look like the old
Peugeot 504 Coupe.

403
00:22:42,508 --> 00:22:44,363
- Well, it doesn't.
- No, they say it does.

404
00:22:44,448 --> 00:22:46,843
- It does a bit.
- It doesn't. Looks more like the 505 GTi,

405
00:22:46,928 --> 00:22:48,252
he said
in a rather boring way.

406
00:22:48,338 --> 00:22:50,793
I don't care what old car
it looks a bit like.

407
00:22:51,068 --> 00:22:53,483
- Look. It looks fantastic.
- It does. When can we buy it?

408
00:22:53,568 --> 00:22:54,903
- Er, you can't.
- Oh.

409
00:22:54,988 --> 00:22:57,403
No, it's just a sort of
concept car design study.

410
00:22:57,488 --> 00:23:00,330
What you can buy, though,
right now, is, er, this.

411
00:23:00,478 --> 00:23:02,703
- Oh, God, really?
- Yeah.

412
00:23:02,788 --> 00:23:05,603
That's called the, er...
That's called the Rifter.

413
00:23:05,688 --> 00:23:07,783
It's a sort of diesel van.

414
00:23:07,868 --> 00:23:09,703
Oh, what is wrong
with Peugeot?

415
00:23:09,788 --> 00:23:11,803
- It's a good question.
- Why are they reminding us

416
00:23:11,888 --> 00:23:14,283
that they used to build some
really very good-looking cars,

417
00:23:14,368 --> 00:23:16,923
and then we can only buy
dreary crap like that?

418
00:23:17,008 --> 00:23:19,023
No, it baffles me,

419
00:23:19,108 --> 00:23:21,363
because why would you make
a concept car you can't buy?

420
00:23:21,448 --> 00:23:23,392
When you go to a
greengrocer, "This succulent,

421
00:23:23,478 --> 00:23:24,963
juicy apple, you
can't have that one.

422
00:23:25,048 --> 00:23:27,223
We've got some
mouldy ones in the back."

423
00:23:27,308 --> 00:23:29,276
Peugeot, go to a
greengrocer and see

424
00:23:29,362 --> 00:23:31,123
how they do business, and
then learn from them.

425
00:23:31,208 --> 00:23:32,933
Now, a few months ago,

426
00:23:33,019 --> 00:23:35,206
there was a bit of
a problem in Britain.

427
00:23:35,292 --> 00:23:36,703
It's been going on
for a year or more,

428
00:23:36,788 --> 00:23:39,003
where kids are getting on
mopeds, riding down the pavement,

429
00:23:39,088 --> 00:23:40,823
another kid on the back,
helping themselves

430
00:23:40,908 --> 00:23:43,558
to people's phones and old ladies'
handbags and what have you,

431
00:23:43,644 --> 00:23:44,863
as they're going along, yeah?

432
00:23:44,948 --> 00:23:45,917
It's a big problem
for the police

433
00:23:46,003 --> 00:23:48,983
because in busy city streets,
how do you chase a moped?

434
00:23:49,068 --> 00:23:50,403
- You can't.
- Well, exactly, no.

435
00:23:50,488 --> 00:23:52,183
However, the police
came up with an idea

436
00:23:52,268 --> 00:23:53,512
that they thought
would solve it,

437
00:23:53,597 --> 00:23:57,763
which was to basically
ram the moped thieves, OK?

438
00:23:59,788 --> 00:24:02,143
You're applauding?

439
00:24:02,228 --> 00:24:05,403
We've actually got footage
of them doing just that here.

440
00:24:05,488 --> 00:24:07,983
Ready. There he is, and bam!

441
00:24:08,068 --> 00:24:10,123
Yeah! Down you go.

442
00:24:10,208 --> 00:24:12,303
And...

443
00:24:12,388 --> 00:24:14,343
booyah!

444
00:24:14,428 --> 00:24:15,863
That's what you need.

445
00:24:15,948 --> 00:24:18,043
You see, we're all in favour
of that, are we not?

446
00:24:18,128 --> 00:24:20,163
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's the only time in my life

447
00:24:20,248 --> 00:24:22,223
I've ever wanted
to be a policeman.

448
00:24:22,308 --> 00:24:23,623
No, you can't.

449
00:24:23,708 --> 00:24:24,963
- Why?
- You haven't got a moustache.

450
00:24:25,048 --> 00:24:26,363
- That's true.
- No, but that...

451
00:24:26,448 --> 00:24:30,573
- OK, I have had an idea.
- Oh, God. Is it ridiculous?

452
00:24:30,659 --> 00:24:32,563
- Let me explain.
- That's a yes, then, it is.

453
00:24:32,648 --> 00:24:34,983
Just let's see
what everybody thinks.

454
00:24:35,068 --> 00:24:37,743
OK, so best will in the world,
the police are out patrolling,

455
00:24:37,828 --> 00:24:40,743
and they don't do much of that
these days, as I'm sure we all know.

456
00:24:40,828 --> 00:24:42,163
- Yeah.
- But even if they were,

457
00:24:42,248 --> 00:24:44,363
the chances of them
encountering somebody

458
00:24:44,448 --> 00:24:47,023
who really was a moped thief

459
00:24:47,108 --> 00:24:50,203
in a place where they could
realistically knock them off

460
00:24:50,288 --> 00:24:52,423
- is quite remote, yes?
- Yes.

461
00:24:52,508 --> 00:24:53,943
So how's this for an idea?

462
00:24:54,028 --> 00:24:56,083
All of us, as we're
driving along in our cars,

463
00:24:56,168 --> 00:24:59,243
if you see a motorcycle,
knock them off.

464
00:25:00,748 --> 00:25:02,443
Wait. What,
just any motorcyclist?

465
00:25:02,528 --> 00:25:06,083
Yes, because eventually somebody's
bound to hit the right one

466
00:25:06,168 --> 00:25:08,543
and knock over,
er, a moped thief.

467
00:25:08,628 --> 00:25:10,523
Hang on, isn't that
a bit like Pol Pot

468
00:25:10,608 --> 00:25:13,723
executing anybody who wore glasses
in case they'd read a book?

469
00:25:13,808 --> 00:25:15,223
Yes, it is.

470
00:25:15,308 --> 00:25:17,943
Look, I admit, you two, I
know you're not moped thieves,

471
00:25:18,028 --> 00:25:20,923
I know you're not, but you do
ride motorcycles and that's fine.

472
00:25:21,008 --> 00:25:23,103
And you are going to get,
I have to admit,

473
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:24,843
some hurty knees
and a bit of grazing.

474
00:25:24,928 --> 00:25:27,323
Well, yes, and quite a lot
of other people,

475
00:25:27,408 --> 00:25:30,723
including Ewan McGregor,
Jamie Oliver, Ross Noble.

476
00:25:30,808 --> 00:25:33,023
The Hairy Bikers,
for God's sake!

477
00:25:33,108 --> 00:25:35,663
- You can't knock them over.
- Yes, I know, you say that,

478
00:25:35,748 --> 00:25:38,243
but they're just casualties
of war if you think about it.

479
00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:40,563
The main thing is

480
00:25:40,648 --> 00:25:44,143
that we are bound to
totally end moped thievery,

481
00:25:44,228 --> 00:25:46,394
and we'd all have a good
laugh at the same time.

482
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,403
- No.
- Come on, you would.

483
00:25:48,488 --> 00:25:50,423
You can't ram bikers.

484
00:25:50,508 --> 00:25:53,043
I'm not saying we ram them.
A gentle nudge.

485
00:25:53,128 --> 00:25:54,983
Anybody here ride motorcycle?

486
00:25:55,068 --> 00:25:57,043
Yes. Well done.

487
00:25:57,128 --> 00:25:58,933
Sorry.

488
00:26:01,308 --> 00:26:03,043
Anyway, I think that's the
end of Conversation Street.

489
00:26:03,128 --> 00:26:04,894
- Yes, it is.
- Let's move it on.

490
00:26:05,027 --> 00:26:07,483
Yeah, let's move it on.
Earlier on, Jeremy was listing

491
00:26:07,568 --> 00:26:11,403
all the wonderful and remarkable cars
that Lancia have made over the years,

492
00:26:11,488 --> 00:26:14,783
but let's not forget
Porsche has also made

493
00:26:14,868 --> 00:26:16,643
some rather remarkable cars.

494
00:26:16,728 --> 00:26:18,643
Absolutely.
There was the 911.

495
00:26:18,728 --> 00:26:21,503
There was another
sort of 911.

496
00:26:21,588 --> 00:26:23,963
There was a slightly
different 911 that was green.

497
00:26:24,048 --> 00:26:27,643
Yes, yes, yes, I know, but this
year marks the 50th anniversary

498
00:26:27,728 --> 00:26:31,523
of what I think must be the
greatest Porsche of them all.

499
00:26:31,608 --> 00:26:34,093
- Is it a 911?
- No.

500
00:26:36,308 --> 00:26:40,343
It's called the Porsche 917.

501
00:26:40,428 --> 00:26:44,383
And even if you have
no interest in motorsport,

502
00:26:44,468 --> 00:26:47,493
you'll most likely
recognise this machine...

503
00:26:48,388 --> 00:26:49,923
because it's
quite possibly

504
00:26:50,008 --> 00:26:53,413
the most iconic racing car
ever created.

505
00:26:56,388 --> 00:26:59,443
Now, today Porsche is
the most successful car maker

506
00:26:59,528 --> 00:27:01,103
ever to race at Le Mans.

507
00:27:01,188 --> 00:27:03,543
They have 19 victories
to their name.

508
00:27:03,628 --> 00:27:05,563
But this is the car
that started it all.

509
00:27:05,648 --> 00:27:09,463
This is the car that gave them
that all-important first win.

510
00:27:09,548 --> 00:27:11,483
Now, obviously,
with a pedigree like that,

511
00:27:11,568 --> 00:27:15,103
it's quite valuable,
around £14 million.

512
00:27:15,188 --> 00:27:17,723
So when we asked the
insurance if this would be OK,

513
00:27:17,808 --> 00:27:20,603
they said yes, but not the
accident-prone little midget.

514
00:27:20,688 --> 00:27:23,543
"It must be Captain Slowly."

515
00:27:23,628 --> 00:27:26,623
So let's see if I can make
this thing live for you.

516
00:27:26,708 --> 00:27:28,563
The first thing
you need to know is that,

517
00:27:28,648 --> 00:27:32,443
although the 917
looks like a big, wide car,

518
00:27:32,528 --> 00:27:35,253
actually, it isn't.

519
00:27:35,948 --> 00:27:37,623
Ow.

520
00:27:43,748 --> 00:27:45,363
I'm in.

521
00:27:45,448 --> 00:27:47,933
God, it's tiny!

522
00:28:00,488 --> 00:28:02,213
Holy mother!

523
00:28:03,468 --> 00:28:05,068
Ahh!

524
00:28:12,388 --> 00:28:15,083
The racket
is just astonishing.

525
00:28:15,168 --> 00:28:18,653
Imagine this
for a 24-hour race.

526
00:28:22,428 --> 00:28:25,203
Even though
it's a 50-year-old car,

527
00:28:25,288 --> 00:28:29,363
the 917 is fast by the
standards of any decade.

528
00:28:29,448 --> 00:28:32,643
Nought to 60, 2.7 seconds.

529
00:28:32,728 --> 00:28:37,173
Top speed, 224 miles an hour.

530
00:28:38,788 --> 00:28:41,203
And it was built
without compromise,

531
00:28:41,288 --> 00:28:45,133
using the absolute
bare minimum of materials.

532
00:28:46,348 --> 00:28:49,103
So, for example,
this bodywork,

533
00:28:49,188 --> 00:28:50,923
which is very close
to my head,

534
00:28:51,008 --> 00:28:52,663
it's fibreglass,

535
00:28:52,748 --> 00:28:55,343
1.2 millimetres thick,
that's it.

536
00:28:55,428 --> 00:28:58,383
Now, in front of me
I have a big rev counter,

537
00:28:58,468 --> 00:29:00,843
an oil temperature gauge,
and an oil pressure gauge.

538
00:29:00,928 --> 00:29:02,923
That's all the information
you get.

539
00:29:03,008 --> 00:29:04,843
If those
are reading correctly,

540
00:29:04,928 --> 00:29:07,643
that means the engine
isn't going to blow up,

541
00:29:07,728 --> 00:29:10,933
and that means
you can pin it!

542
00:29:13,348 --> 00:29:19,063
Jeez! It's the world's
fastest canoe!

543
00:29:19,148 --> 00:29:21,323
The five-litre
12-cylinder engine

544
00:29:21,408 --> 00:29:24,983
produces 621 horsepower,

545
00:29:25,068 --> 00:29:28,963
which is modest by the standards
of today's road-going hypercars.

546
00:29:29,048 --> 00:29:33,343
But this thing weighs
just 800 kilograms.

547
00:29:33,428 --> 00:29:36,013
As a result,
the power-to-weight...

548
00:29:36,788 --> 00:29:38,573
is off the scale!

549
00:29:40,748 --> 00:29:42,653
Bloody hell, this is special.

550
00:29:45,948 --> 00:29:48,043
I'm amazed Porsche
let me drive it at all.

551
00:29:48,128 --> 00:29:50,543
I mean, they didn't
give me any training.

552
00:29:50,628 --> 00:29:52,083
They just put me in and said,

553
00:29:52,168 --> 00:29:56,133
"Pull zis und turn zat and,
oh, you'll be fine, mm."

554
00:29:57,628 --> 00:29:59,203
What's more amazing
than that, actually,

555
00:29:59,288 --> 00:30:00,803
is that this car
exists at all,

556
00:30:00,888 --> 00:30:04,103
because its gestation was...

557
00:30:04,188 --> 00:30:07,933
let's say...
it was quite difficult.

558
00:30:11,628 --> 00:30:16,463
The story of its birth
starts in 1968,

559
00:30:16,548 --> 00:30:18,563
when the governing body
for sports car racing,

560
00:30:18,648 --> 00:30:22,203
alarmed that the top-end,
unregulated prototype cars

561
00:30:22,288 --> 00:30:26,903
were becoming too fast, too
expensive, and too dangerous,

562
00:30:26,988 --> 00:30:32,589
decreed that such machines should have
engines no larger than three litres.

563
00:30:32,738 --> 00:30:35,723
However, the governing body also
said that if you could build

564
00:30:35,808 --> 00:30:38,283
25 road-going versions
of your racing car,

565
00:30:38,368 --> 00:30:41,263
that engine limit would be
raised to five litres.

566
00:30:41,348 --> 00:30:44,763
Although, secretly they knew that
no small sports car manufacturer

567
00:30:44,848 --> 00:30:47,663
could actually afford
to do that.

568
00:30:47,748 --> 00:30:51,143
They didn't think
there'd be any takers.

569
00:30:51,228 --> 00:30:56,693
What they hadn't reckoned on was Porsche's
head of motorsport Ferdinand Piech.

570
00:30:57,941 --> 00:31:01,423
Back then, Porsche was
a tiny cash-starved outfit,

571
00:31:01,508 --> 00:31:04,603
nothing like the prosperous
company we know today.

572
00:31:04,688 --> 00:31:09,083
But Piech was so consumed with
scoring an outright win at Le Mans

573
00:31:09,168 --> 00:31:13,503
that he decided he was going
to build those 25 cars,

574
00:31:13,588 --> 00:31:17,972
even though the next Le Mans
was only a few months away.

575
00:31:18,112 --> 00:31:20,622
So, everybody,
and I do mean everybody -

576
00:31:20,708 --> 00:31:23,823
the accountants, managers,
office juniors, secretaries,

577
00:31:23,908 --> 00:31:25,783
they were all hauled away
from their desks

578
00:31:25,868 --> 00:31:29,144
to go down to the production line
and work on getting those cars ready.

579
00:31:29,230 --> 00:31:33,284
They actually became known
as the "secretary cars".

580
00:31:34,388 --> 00:31:37,644
The ragtag Porsche team
just made the deadline,

581
00:31:37,730 --> 00:31:41,378
and the motorsport inspectors
gave the road cars the sign-off,

582
00:31:41,608 --> 00:31:44,243
presumably not inspecting
them too closely

583
00:31:44,328 --> 00:31:48,733
or they would have noticed that
most of them had truck axles.

584
00:31:51,308 --> 00:31:55,363
With the green light given for
Porsche to enter the Le Mans race,

585
00:31:55,448 --> 00:32:00,103
Piech got to work getting
some cars ready in time.

586
00:32:00,188 --> 00:32:03,203
Now, on the plus side,
they were blindingly fast.

587
00:32:03,288 --> 00:32:08,333
One car clocked 238
on the Mulsanne Straight.

588
00:32:09,868 --> 00:32:13,923
On the downside, though, they
were terrifyingly unstable

589
00:32:14,008 --> 00:32:16,263
and virtually undriveable.

590
00:32:16,348 --> 00:32:18,503
The drivers
simply didn't know

591
00:32:18,588 --> 00:32:20,283
what the car
was going to do next.

592
00:32:20,368 --> 00:32:22,503
There was so much
chassis flex

593
00:32:22,588 --> 00:32:25,443
that the gear lever would move
around all over the place.

594
00:32:25,528 --> 00:32:28,723
They'd make a gear change, put
their hand there the next time,

595
00:32:28,808 --> 00:32:30,733
and it'd be
somewhere else.

596
00:32:32,588 --> 00:32:36,603
Piech hoped for a big win
at the 1969 Le Mans race,

597
00:32:36,688 --> 00:32:40,863
but it was a disaster.

598
00:32:40,948 --> 00:32:44,723
One of the privately-entered
cars crashed on lap one,

599
00:32:44,808 --> 00:32:47,423
killing its driver.

600
00:32:47,508 --> 00:32:50,363
The others broke down
as the race wore on

601
00:32:50,448 --> 00:32:54,583
until just one remained,
driven by this man,

602
00:32:54,668 --> 00:32:57,383
British driver
Dickie Attwood.

603
00:32:57,468 --> 00:33:00,243
"Difficult" would be,
er, putting it mildly.

604
00:33:00,328 --> 00:33:04,863
Um... er, "life-threatening"
could be another one.

605
00:33:04,948 --> 00:33:06,043
- Um...
- Right.

606
00:33:06,128 --> 00:33:09,653
It was, um, a monster.

607
00:33:10,508 --> 00:33:12,503
It was made for speed,

608
00:33:12,588 --> 00:33:14,543
like a bullet,
to go through the air,

609
00:33:14,628 --> 00:33:17,523
but the, er, there wasn't
enough pressure on the bodywork

610
00:33:17,608 --> 00:33:19,343
to keep it on the ground.

611
00:33:19,428 --> 00:33:22,823
And so the faster you went,
the more unstable it was.

612
00:33:22,908 --> 00:33:25,083
It was so horrendous,

613
00:33:25,168 --> 00:33:28,123
I was waiting, hopefully,
that the car would break.

614
00:33:28,208 --> 00:33:30,943
And eventually it did.

615
00:33:31,028 --> 00:33:33,383
But it was 21 hours
before it broke.

616
00:33:33,468 --> 00:33:37,203
We were six laps in the lead,
so we hadn't got far to go.

617
00:33:37,288 --> 00:33:42,303
But I was, I was happy
the car broke.

618
00:33:42,388 --> 00:33:46,863
Undeterred, Porsche hired
British race engineer John Wyre,

619
00:33:46,948 --> 00:33:49,483
who'd helped to develop
the Ford GT40,

620
00:33:49,568 --> 00:33:52,823
to sort out
the 917's evil handling.

621
00:33:52,908 --> 00:33:54,843
And he cracked the problem,

622
00:33:54,928 --> 00:33:58,023
with a little help
from Mother Nature.

623
00:33:58,108 --> 00:34:00,463
After one really long
test session,

624
00:34:00,548 --> 00:34:03,643
Wyre and his drivers noticed that
although the front of the car

625
00:34:03,728 --> 00:34:05,763
was absolutely plastered
in dead bugs,

626
00:34:05,848 --> 00:34:08,103
there were none here
on the rear wing,

627
00:34:08,188 --> 00:34:10,863
which must have meant the air
wasn't flowing over it,

628
00:34:10,948 --> 00:34:12,843
and it wasn't producing
any downforce,

629
00:34:12,928 --> 00:34:16,743
and it wasn't pressing
the car down into the track.

630
00:34:16,828 --> 00:34:20,163
Having reworked the aerodynamics
of their problem child,

631
00:34:20,248 --> 00:34:24,963
Porsche arrived at the 1970
Le Mans race with renewed hope

632
00:34:25,048 --> 00:34:29,463
and Dickie Attwood
once more at the wheel.

633
00:34:29,548 --> 00:34:33,043
During the race, the 917s
were blisteringly fast -

634
00:34:33,128 --> 00:34:34,863
as ever -

635
00:34:34,948 --> 00:34:39,303
but this time, mercifully,
they were much more stable.

636
00:34:39,388 --> 00:34:43,023
And although heavy rain
claimed victim after victim,

637
00:34:43,108 --> 00:34:46,063
Attwood and the 917
took the chequered flag

638
00:34:46,148 --> 00:34:50,283
and gave Porsche their first
ever outright win at Le Mans.

639
00:34:53,348 --> 00:34:55,023
It was a win
they badly needed,

640
00:34:55,108 --> 00:34:57,335
because they had,
quite literally,

641
00:34:57,421 --> 00:35:00,026
gambled the company on it.

642
00:35:00,868 --> 00:35:02,623
It's also true to say
that this car

643
00:35:02,708 --> 00:35:04,703
nearly broke Porsche,
as well, didn't it?

644
00:35:04,788 --> 00:35:06,643
Because they were
a very small company.

645
00:35:06,728 --> 00:35:08,703
It did. Um...

646
00:35:08,788 --> 00:35:10,683
Again, it was Ferdinand Piech

647
00:35:10,768 --> 00:35:14,043
and, er, he was a guy
who was, um, quite extreme.

648
00:35:14,128 --> 00:35:17,767
He was so enthused
to do what he's done that

649
00:35:17,853 --> 00:35:20,043
that nearly
broke the company, it did.

650
00:35:20,128 --> 00:35:24,043
Yeah, the racing programme
nearly destroyed Porsche.

651
00:35:24,128 --> 00:35:27,883
From then on,
there was no stopping the 917

652
00:35:27,968 --> 00:35:31,863
as it set about building
its own legend.

653
00:35:31,948 --> 00:35:33,543
The following year
at Le Mans,

654
00:35:33,628 --> 00:35:35,543
on the way
to another crushing victory,

655
00:35:35,628 --> 00:35:37,243
it would go through
the speed traps

656
00:35:37,328 --> 00:35:41,023
at over 241 miles an hour,

657
00:35:41,108 --> 00:35:45,063
a record that stood
for more than 20 years.

658
00:35:45,148 --> 00:35:47,683
And in that same race,
it was so fast

659
00:35:47,768 --> 00:35:52,663
it would cover
a total of 3,315 miles,

660
00:35:52,748 --> 00:35:57,443
a distance record
that would stand until 2010.

661
00:35:58,788 --> 00:36:00,243
And if that wasn't enough,

662
00:36:00,328 --> 00:36:03,203
Hollywood's greatest
petrolhead, Steve McQueen,

663
00:36:03,288 --> 00:36:07,893
came to Le Mans and made
the 917 a screen icon.

664
00:36:13,588 --> 00:36:17,363
And now, since the legend is
celebrating its 50th birthday,

665
00:36:17,448 --> 00:36:20,893
I think it deserves
a fun day out.

666
00:36:22,548 --> 00:36:26,943
So, I thought, why don't we put
Mr Dickie Attwood back in it

667
00:36:27,028 --> 00:36:29,523
to stretch its legs a bit
and spice things up,

668
00:36:29,608 --> 00:36:32,883
and whilst he's there, let's
see how the old legend -

669
00:36:32,968 --> 00:36:36,903
I mean the car - stacks up
against a modern Porsche.

670
00:36:36,988 --> 00:36:39,643
Specifically, this Porsche,

671
00:36:39,728 --> 00:36:42,703
the 911 GT2 RS,

672
00:36:42,788 --> 00:36:46,973
the biggest gun
in Porsche's current arsenal.

673
00:36:48,788 --> 00:36:50,523
Now, attentive viewers
will have noticed

674
00:36:50,608 --> 00:36:52,783
that I'm not
actually driving,

675
00:36:52,868 --> 00:36:54,963
and that's because I've
decided to do this properly.

676
00:36:55,048 --> 00:36:58,723
We're going to have old Porsche
Le Mans-winning racing driver

677
00:36:58,808 --> 00:37:02,163
versus young Porsche Le
Mans-winning racing driver,

678
00:37:02,248 --> 00:37:07,783
because this is Neel Jani, and he
won for Porsche in 2016 in the 919.

679
00:37:07,868 --> 00:37:11,493
To be honest, he's also probably
a bit better at this than I am.

680
00:37:12,148 --> 00:37:13,843
As for the cars themselves,

681
00:37:13,928 --> 00:37:17,183
on paper,
it's a tough one to call.

682
00:37:17,268 --> 00:37:19,363
We have 700 horsepower
in here,

683
00:37:19,448 --> 00:37:22,263
621 horsepower in the 917.

684
00:37:22,348 --> 00:37:25,523
But the 917 weighs
just 800 kilograms.

685
00:37:25,608 --> 00:37:29,063
This weighs 1,830 kilograms.

686
00:37:29,148 --> 00:37:30,983
It's over a tonne heavier.

687
00:37:31,068 --> 00:37:33,863
But then again, we've got modern
tyres and we've got modern brakes,

688
00:37:33,948 --> 00:37:35,563
and we have a modern gearbox
with paddles.

689
00:37:35,648 --> 00:37:39,478
So, I mean, God knows.
Let's find out.

690
00:37:40,681 --> 00:37:44,923
What I hadn't considered in
my comparisons... was Dickie.

691
00:37:47,608 --> 00:37:49,573
Whoa, cheeky!

692
00:37:51,148 --> 00:37:53,533
Look how bloody fast
he's going.

693
00:37:55,148 --> 00:37:57,333
The man's a loon. He's 78.

694
00:37:59,628 --> 00:38:01,863
He's going quick, huh?

695
00:38:01,948 --> 00:38:04,653
Carrying a massive amount
of speed in the corner.

696
00:38:07,308 --> 00:38:09,043
Here we go.

697
00:38:09,128 --> 00:38:11,503
Have him!

698
00:38:11,588 --> 00:38:13,813
Whoa!

699
00:38:16,988 --> 00:38:18,963
So, the red mist
has descended again,

700
00:38:19,048 --> 00:38:21,963
after a pause
of nearly half a century,

701
00:38:22,048 --> 00:38:24,653
and Mr Attwood
has gone quite mad.

702
00:38:29,388 --> 00:38:31,293
Oh, yes, this could be it.

703
00:38:32,948 --> 00:38:35,343
Yes... Oh, no!

704
00:38:35,428 --> 00:38:37,203
Ah, he's had you!

705
00:38:38,508 --> 00:38:40,002
Ah, you can't
quite out-brake him

706
00:38:40,088 --> 00:38:41,471
cos you're too heavy.

707
00:38:41,721 --> 00:38:43,198
But in the end,

708
00:38:43,284 --> 00:38:46,623
youth and modern rubber
triumph over the flat hat.

709
00:38:46,708 --> 00:38:48,723
Oh, we're right all...
We're all over his tail.

710
00:38:48,808 --> 00:38:51,503
Here we go.

711
00:38:51,588 --> 00:38:53,973
Oh, ho-ho!

712
00:38:58,228 --> 00:38:59,708
Yes!

713
00:39:02,468 --> 00:39:03,903
Nicely done, sir.

714
00:39:03,988 --> 00:39:05,903
Lucky. I can keep my job.

715
00:39:06,019 --> 00:39:08,204
Yeah, I think
you can keep your job.

716
00:39:16,588 --> 00:39:19,023
- What a hero.
- Oh, I love Dickie Attwood.

717
00:39:19,108 --> 00:39:21,312
- Fabulous.
- Oh, yeah, Dickie Attwood, what a man.

718
00:39:21,398 --> 00:39:22,429
Really good.

719
00:39:22,515 --> 00:39:25,950
So, you see, James,
some old men can drive fast.

720
00:39:26,272 --> 00:39:28,462
- Just saying.
- I didn't realise...

721
00:39:28,548 --> 00:39:30,843
You know the Ferdinand Piech
who did the 917?

722
00:39:30,928 --> 00:39:34,703
He went on, years later, to do
the Bugatti Veyron, didn't he?

723
00:39:34,788 --> 00:39:36,723
Yes, he did, exactly right.
And before that,

724
00:39:36,808 --> 00:39:39,543
he did the Audi Quattro,
the original one,

725
00:39:39,628 --> 00:39:42,243
and his grandfather,
obviously, he did the Beetle,

726
00:39:42,328 --> 00:39:45,023
and his cousin,
I think it was, did the 911.

727
00:39:45,108 --> 00:39:46,703
Yeah, his cousin Ferdinand.

728
00:39:46,788 --> 00:39:49,003
They were all called Ferdinand.
It's a true fact, this.

729
00:39:49,088 --> 00:39:51,063
Porsche was started
by Ferdinand,

730
00:39:51,148 --> 00:39:54,763
who had a son who took over the
company, and he was called Ferdinand.

731
00:39:54,848 --> 00:39:57,023
And then he handed it
on to his son,

732
00:39:57,108 --> 00:39:59,463
who was called Ferdinand,
and he did the 911.

733
00:39:59,548 --> 00:40:02,243
- They're all Ferdinand.
- Yeah, but the second Ferdinand...

734
00:40:02,328 --> 00:40:03,643
- Yeah.
- He had a sister.

735
00:40:03,728 --> 00:40:05,163
- Called Ferdinand.
- No.

736
00:40:05,248 --> 00:40:07,403
She was called Louise.

737
00:40:07,488 --> 00:40:09,943
And she had a daughter
called Louise.

738
00:40:10,028 --> 00:40:12,063
- There's a surprise.
- And a son called Ferdinand.

739
00:40:12,148 --> 00:40:14,223
That was Ferdinand Piech
who we were looking at there.

740
00:40:14,308 --> 00:40:15,503
Exactly right,
who did that car.

741
00:40:15,588 --> 00:40:17,523
There's no wonder, really,
that the 911 never changes,

742
00:40:17,608 --> 00:40:19,283
cos that family's got
no imagination.

743
00:40:19,368 --> 00:40:21,803
"What shall we call our son?"

744
00:40:21,888 --> 00:40:23,943
"Hmm, I'm thinking
Ferdinand."

745
00:40:24,028 --> 00:40:26,483
Want to guess what Ferdinand
Piech's son was called?

746
00:40:26,568 --> 00:40:28,463
- Colin?
- No, no, it was Ferdinand.

747
00:40:28,548 --> 00:40:29,823
- Was it?
- It was, yeah.

748
00:40:29,908 --> 00:40:32,043
There is a surprise.
There is a surprise.

749
00:40:32,128 --> 00:40:34,023
Anyway, let's move it on,
shall we?

750
00:40:34,108 --> 00:40:36,203
Yep, let's move it on. As you
would probably imagine,

751
00:40:36,288 --> 00:40:38,903
we have to travel a lot
to make this show.

752
00:40:38,988 --> 00:40:40,883
I mean, just in making
this series alone,

753
00:40:40,968 --> 00:40:43,963
we have been to Colombia,
Detroit, Las Vegas,

754
00:40:44,048 --> 00:40:46,003
Scotland, Tbilisi, Baku,

755
00:40:46,088 --> 00:40:49,083
Istanbul, Helsinki,
and Chongqing,

756
00:40:49,168 --> 00:40:52,463
Mongolia, Hong Kong,
Florida, Spain,

757
00:40:52,548 --> 00:40:55,023
France, Italy, Switzerland.

758
00:40:55,108 --> 00:40:56,703
That's just to make
13 programmes.

759
00:40:56,788 --> 00:40:57,923
Yeah, and we're not
making that up.

760
00:40:58,008 --> 00:40:59,503
We genuinely have
been that far.

761
00:40:59,588 --> 00:41:01,963
And that means we have to
go through a lot of airports.

762
00:41:02,048 --> 00:41:03,803
And almost all of them
drive us mad

763
00:41:03,888 --> 00:41:06,715
for a number of small
reasons, and one big one.

764
00:41:06,801 --> 00:41:08,183
- Yeah. You.
- What?

765
00:41:08,268 --> 00:41:09,743
Well, you.

766
00:41:09,828 --> 00:41:11,003
We have to travel
with you everywhere,

767
00:41:11,088 --> 00:41:13,223
and you never stop
ranting about it.

768
00:41:13,308 --> 00:41:14,923
I do a little bit
of that, yeah.

769
00:41:15,008 --> 00:41:16,153
- A little bit?
- Yeah.

770
00:41:16,239 --> 00:41:18,206
The first 20 minutes of
the film we're about to see

771
00:41:18,291 --> 00:41:20,246
are just rant before
we even get to the point.

772
00:41:20,488 --> 00:41:21,643
Yeah, that is true.

773
00:41:21,728 --> 00:41:25,067
But it's worth it,
as you shall see.

774
00:41:25,308 --> 00:41:28,363
This is London
Stansted Airport,

775
00:41:28,448 --> 00:41:32,013
which is located
nowhere near London.

776
00:41:34,628 --> 00:41:37,283
Here we are,
Wetherspoons with runways,

777
00:41:37,368 --> 00:41:40,383
and miles of tape
to make your life worse.

778
00:41:40,468 --> 00:41:42,743
And why do they need
a two-hour check-in?

779
00:41:42,828 --> 00:41:45,863
I mean, two hours to get my
suitcase from the check-in desk

780
00:41:45,948 --> 00:41:48,883
to just behind that wall over
there, which is where the plane is.

781
00:41:48,968 --> 00:41:50,343
Go on. Two hours!

782
00:41:50,428 --> 00:41:52,683
I could almost get it
back to London in two hours.

783
00:41:52,768 --> 00:41:55,063
Oh, good, security.

784
00:41:55,148 --> 00:41:56,643
Time to take
all my clothes off

785
00:41:56,728 --> 00:41:58,503
and give someone
my toothpaste.

786
00:41:58,588 --> 00:42:00,483
And, do you know,
the worst thing is,

787
00:42:00,568 --> 00:42:04,783
I mean, the idiocy of people in
these queues just beggars belief.

788
00:42:04,868 --> 00:42:07,083
Look at her shoes.
You seen her? Look at her.

789
00:42:07,168 --> 00:42:09,023
She looks like Elton John
in Tommy.

790
00:42:09,108 --> 00:42:11,443
It's going to take her three
hours to take each one off.

791
00:42:11,528 --> 00:42:13,503
And take your laptops
out now,

792
00:42:13,588 --> 00:42:16,403
while you're in the queue,
not when you get there.

793
00:42:16,488 --> 00:42:20,903
I came here on a train, 2,000 people
on it, and no security at all.

794
00:42:20,988 --> 00:42:23,683
Going on an aeroplane.
Wooh. Well, we'll do this.

795
00:42:23,768 --> 00:42:25,663
And then, of course,

796
00:42:25,748 --> 00:42:28,203
is your bag going to be
selected for a special search?

797
00:42:28,288 --> 00:42:31,223
Of course it is.
All... Yes, there you go.

798
00:42:31,308 --> 00:42:33,343
You've been through
an X-ray machine.

799
00:42:33,428 --> 00:42:36,043
If you go to a hospital
and you X-ray somebody's leg,

800
00:42:36,128 --> 00:42:39,263
OK, you say, "Right, it's not
broken, I can see that,

801
00:42:39,348 --> 00:42:42,083
but let's just cut your flesh
open to make sure."

802
00:42:42,168 --> 00:42:44,303
It... They know.
It's been X-rayed.

803
00:42:44,388 --> 00:42:46,523
Why are they looking at it
again? Oh, here we go.

804
00:42:46,608 --> 00:42:48,523
Yeah, salt.

805
00:42:48,608 --> 00:42:50,863
Self-raising flour.

806
00:42:50,948 --> 00:42:52,423
Normal flour.

807
00:42:53,808 --> 00:42:56,383
Baking powder. Talcum powder.

808
00:42:56,468 --> 00:42:58,783
That's for
my athlete's foot.

809
00:42:58,868 --> 00:43:00,243
I've put them in clear bags.

810
00:43:00,328 --> 00:43:01,903
Every single airport

811
00:43:01,988 --> 00:43:04,023
you go through
anywhere in the world,

812
00:43:04,108 --> 00:43:07,763
why are they so interested in my
condiments and medical necessities?

813
00:43:07,848 --> 00:43:09,933
- I mean...
- I don't know, mate.

814
00:43:10,588 --> 00:43:12,503
And then you're
out of security

815
00:43:12,588 --> 00:43:14,043
and straight into a shop,

816
00:43:14,128 --> 00:43:15,863
which wouldn't be
so bad

817
00:43:15,948 --> 00:43:17,683
if it sold something
you actually wanted,

818
00:43:17,768 --> 00:43:19,203
like bog roll or cat food.

819
00:43:19,288 --> 00:43:21,703
But, no,
all they sell is perfume.

820
00:43:21,788 --> 00:43:23,843
Why do they think,
when you get to an airport,

821
00:43:23,928 --> 00:43:26,843
"Oh, right, I'm suddenly
overcome with a need

822
00:43:26,928 --> 00:43:29,183
to smell like
Victoria Beckham"?

823
00:43:29,268 --> 00:43:32,043
Then you've got the adverts.
Look at that halfwit.

824
00:43:32,128 --> 00:43:34,463
Look at him.

825
00:43:34,548 --> 00:43:37,663
Every advert in every airport
makes no sense.

826
00:43:37,748 --> 00:43:40,263
And then you have
these moronic slogans

827
00:43:40,348 --> 00:43:42,763
from companies that do things
you don't understand.

828
00:43:42,848 --> 00:43:45,323
"Manage your infrastructure
like a visionary,

829
00:43:45,408 --> 00:43:47,063
not a functionary."

830
00:43:47,148 --> 00:43:49,463
What's that mean?
Might as well say,

831
00:43:49,548 --> 00:43:53,483
"Manage your infrastructure like
a visionary, not a shoplifter."

832
00:43:53,568 --> 00:43:55,643
There's a shop at Heathrow

833
00:43:55,728 --> 00:43:59,023
that sells
a life-size pot horse.

834
00:43:59,108 --> 00:44:01,403
I mean, who, when they're
about to get on an aeroplane,

835
00:44:01,488 --> 00:44:03,323
goes, "Yes, that's exactly
what I need,

836
00:44:03,408 --> 00:44:07,223
a brittle, fragile pot horse
to lumber about"?

837
00:44:07,308 --> 00:44:11,583
I'm going to start an airline
called "I'll Take My Chances Air".

838
00:44:11,668 --> 00:44:14,043
You turn up, get on
the plane, it takes off.

839
00:44:14,128 --> 00:44:17,063
Nobody on board
smells like Victoria Beckham.

840
00:44:17,148 --> 00:44:20,223
No security, nothing.
If it blows up, it blows up.

841
00:44:20,308 --> 00:44:22,603
Not that you can say "blows
up" in an airport these days

842
00:44:22,688 --> 00:44:24,683
cos then you have to go
to prison for 400 years.

843
00:44:24,768 --> 00:44:27,783
Why is she wearing
a tracksuit?

844
00:44:27,868 --> 00:44:29,943
Well, so she can
be comfortable.

845
00:44:30,028 --> 00:44:32,103
She's not going
on a fighter jet.

846
00:44:32,188 --> 00:44:33,983
She's going to Spain.
There's no g.

847
00:44:34,068 --> 00:44:36,503
Well, there's one.
Well, I mean there's 1g now.

848
00:44:36,588 --> 00:44:38,683
I'm not thinking, "Ooh, these
jeans are really uncomfortable,

849
00:44:38,768 --> 00:44:41,103
I wish I'd worn a kaftan."

850
00:44:41,188 --> 00:44:45,043
And all those, they're the amuse-bouche
of the problems you have at an airport.

851
00:44:45,128 --> 00:44:47,603
Now it's time
for the really big one -

852
00:44:47,688 --> 00:44:49,983
the distance to the gate.

853
00:44:50,068 --> 00:44:52,703
- This never ends.
- Of course it doesn't end.

854
00:44:52,788 --> 00:44:54,123
- Oh, God.
- Look at that.

855
00:44:54,208 --> 00:44:56,303
Ten-minute walk to gates.

856
00:44:56,388 --> 00:44:58,203
There's no such thing
as a ten-minute walk.

857
00:44:58,288 --> 00:45:00,583
Nobody walks for ten minutes.

858
00:45:00,668 --> 00:45:03,563
Well, I mean, an ape would or a
wildebeest, but not a human being.

859
00:45:03,648 --> 00:45:05,343
Ten-minute walk!

860
00:45:05,428 --> 00:45:08,203
The distance from
the bag drop here,

861
00:45:08,288 --> 00:45:12,023
to this gate we're going to,
is 1.2 kilometres.

862
00:45:12,108 --> 00:45:16,443
In Atlanta, the walk to the
furthest gate is two kilometres.

863
00:45:16,528 --> 00:45:18,743
In Beijing, it's two miles!

864
00:45:18,828 --> 00:45:21,543
The astonishing miracle
is that, so far,

865
00:45:21,628 --> 00:45:23,283
I haven't actually been
run over

866
00:45:23,368 --> 00:45:26,283
by one of those karts going,
"Beep, beep, beep, beep.

867
00:45:26,368 --> 00:45:28,983
Warning.
Fat bastard on board."

868
00:45:29,068 --> 00:45:31,443
And then you get to a corner,
and is it the end?

869
00:45:31,528 --> 00:45:34,943
No, there's another mile
of corridor to get down.

870
00:45:35,028 --> 00:45:36,963
No-one in the history
of aviation

871
00:45:37,048 --> 00:45:38,703
has ever flown
from gate one.

872
00:45:38,788 --> 00:45:40,923
There are no gate ones
anywhere in the world.

873
00:45:41,008 --> 00:45:43,323
"Here's your ticket.
Gate 374."

874
00:45:43,408 --> 00:45:45,663
Where's gate one?

875
00:45:45,748 --> 00:45:51,183
I can see now why James May
volunteered not to be in this film.

876
00:45:51,268 --> 00:45:52,883
And, finally,
you get to the gate,

877
00:45:52,968 --> 00:45:55,143
which is so far
from civilisation

878
00:45:55,228 --> 00:45:57,823
they're still using
a dot matrix printer.

879
00:45:57,908 --> 00:46:01,043
We have explained to him that
the walk has to be this long

880
00:46:01,128 --> 00:46:04,903
because aeroplanes are wide
because they've got wings,

881
00:46:04,988 --> 00:46:07,603
but he can't seem to
understand the concept.

882
00:46:07,688 --> 00:46:11,663
Look, you will admit that
that was a long walk, yes?

883
00:46:11,748 --> 00:46:13,963
I don't care what the reason
is, it's a long walk.

884
00:46:14,048 --> 00:46:19,363
- It is quite a stretch, yes.
- Which is why we decided to address the problem.

885
00:46:19,448 --> 00:46:21,533
Shut him up.

886
00:46:23,148 --> 00:46:26,283
So, here we are
arriving at the airport again

887
00:46:26,368 --> 00:46:28,983
with what looks like
normal hand luggage.

888
00:46:29,068 --> 00:46:31,023
OK, what I have here,
as you can see,

889
00:46:31,108 --> 00:46:33,123
is a perfectly ordinary
wheeled suitcase.

890
00:46:33,208 --> 00:46:34,943
If I fold the handle away,

891
00:46:35,028 --> 00:46:37,003
it will fit in
an overhead locker.

892
00:46:37,088 --> 00:46:39,843
However, if I lay it down,
like so,

893
00:46:39,928 --> 00:46:43,423
you can see...
starting to look like a car.

894
00:46:43,508 --> 00:46:45,303
- Not really, mate.
- No, it is.

895
00:46:45,388 --> 00:46:49,243
And it will look even more like a
car when I have completed the build.

896
00:46:49,328 --> 00:46:51,686
Simply open it up.

897
00:46:51,772 --> 00:46:53,123
As you can see,
all the things I need

898
00:46:53,208 --> 00:46:55,702
for a couple of nights away
are in there.

899
00:46:55,788 --> 00:46:56,883
It is actually a suitcase.

900
00:46:56,975 --> 00:47:00,503
But also in here is,
um, a steering wheel.

901
00:47:00,588 --> 00:47:02,383
So, shut that up...

902
00:47:02,468 --> 00:47:04,903
Yeah, you put your shirt
over your steering wheel.

903
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:07,043
- It's not my shirt, it's my jacket.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

904
00:47:07,128 --> 00:47:12,503
Just move it off the steering
column, zip it up.

905
00:47:12,588 --> 00:47:14,523
Right, and then...

906
00:47:14,608 --> 00:47:18,203
You heard that. A solid click
like an M16 rifle bolt.

907
00:47:18,288 --> 00:47:21,703
This is my accelerator,
my brake,

908
00:47:21,788 --> 00:47:24,103
and then I simply...
sitting on it,

909
00:47:24,188 --> 00:47:28,240
being quite careful to keep
that away from... my plums.

910
00:47:28,326 --> 00:47:29,623
And I am ready to go.

911
00:47:29,708 --> 00:47:31,483
- So, where's yours?
- Here.

912
00:47:31,568 --> 00:47:33,763
- This is it. Laptop.
- Yeah.

913
00:47:33,848 --> 00:47:35,703
Put it on the floor.

914
00:47:35,788 --> 00:47:37,983
- Wheeled laptop?
- Oh, yeah.

915
00:47:38,068 --> 00:47:40,123
- Yeah, but... Oh, I see, you stand on it.
- Yeah.

916
00:47:40,208 --> 00:47:41,623
And I'm off.

917
00:47:41,708 --> 00:47:43,803
- So where's your luggage?
- In my pocket.

918
00:47:43,888 --> 00:47:46,683
I got pants, toothbrush,
everything I need.

919
00:47:46,768 --> 00:47:48,023
I'm good to go.

920
00:47:48,108 --> 00:47:49,923
Hammond, that does look
a bit dangerous.

921
00:47:50,008 --> 00:47:51,983
It is.

922
00:47:52,068 --> 00:47:53,883
That's why I'm wearing
all these pads.

923
00:47:53,968 --> 00:47:57,983
Right, are we ready, then,
to revolutionise air travel?

924
00:47:58,068 --> 00:48:01,763
Yeah. The worst bit about every
working day is about to get better.

925
00:48:01,848 --> 00:48:03,853
Let's do this.

926
00:48:04,828 --> 00:48:07,108
The speed!

927
00:48:08,428 --> 00:48:10,383
Oh, shit.

928
00:48:10,468 --> 00:48:12,323
I may have hit
the other sign as well.

929
00:48:12,408 --> 00:48:15,453
- My brakes aren't as good as I thought.
- I hit the big sign.

930
00:48:17,348 --> 00:48:19,583
Another advantage
of this, I am tall.

931
00:48:19,668 --> 00:48:22,463
- I reckon I'm 5'11" on this.
- There's been a bit of a role reversal.

932
00:48:22,548 --> 00:48:24,323
It's good. I've
got to be honest with you.

933
00:48:24,408 --> 00:48:27,843
In a matter of moments,
we arrived at the check-in.

934
00:48:27,928 --> 00:48:30,253
This is a good test.

935
00:48:32,628 --> 00:48:34,028
Yes.

936
00:48:35,148 --> 00:48:38,223
I'm not a sheep,
I'm not a sheep.

937
00:48:38,308 --> 00:48:41,583
I have solved customs.

938
00:48:41,668 --> 00:48:43,163
Ah! Hello.

939
00:48:43,248 --> 00:48:45,863
- Sorry about that.
- Sorry. -Ow.

940
00:48:45,948 --> 00:48:47,803
- Are you checking in a bag?
- No.

941
00:48:47,888 --> 00:48:50,383
- He's on it.
- I have it here. It's here.

942
00:48:50,468 --> 00:48:52,853
- He's not normally that tall.
- Shut up.

943
00:48:54,188 --> 00:48:56,533
Into security.

944
00:48:57,308 --> 00:48:59,363
Oh, God, my foot.

945
00:48:59,448 --> 00:49:00,863
Sorry.

946
00:49:00,948 --> 00:49:02,643
- Sorry. Sorry.
- That was my other foot.

947
00:49:02,728 --> 00:49:05,053
Yep, that happened.

948
00:49:06,828 --> 00:49:09,223
Can you, er, take out
your laptop, please?

949
00:49:09,308 --> 00:49:11,543
Well, no, it is a laptop.
Look, that's it.

950
00:49:11,628 --> 00:49:13,143
- It's a laptop.
- It's a laptop with wheels.

951
00:49:13,229 --> 00:49:15,482
- Yeah, that's it, simple.
- That's a steering wheel.

952
00:49:15,568 --> 00:49:18,863
- And what's that?
- Car.

953
00:49:18,948 --> 00:49:21,463
- Oh, God. Just got to get undressed.
- Yeah, yeah.

954
00:49:21,548 --> 00:49:24,323
- Do you want to see my penis?
- Um, whoa, not right now.

955
00:49:24,408 --> 00:49:26,003
There you go.

956
00:49:28,988 --> 00:49:30,723
Thanks. Bet you never had
a steering wheel

957
00:49:30,808 --> 00:49:32,523
go through customs before,
have you?

958
00:49:32,608 --> 00:49:33,903
Ooh, ah.

959
00:49:33,988 --> 00:49:37,983
Right, onwards.

960
00:49:38,068 --> 00:49:40,723
I actually have nine wheels
on my suitcase,

961
00:49:40,808 --> 00:49:42,223
not counting this one.

962
00:49:42,308 --> 00:49:43,883
Oh, that was...
That was... Ha-ha.

963
00:49:43,968 --> 00:49:46,603
That was a bad mistake.
Ah. Ha-ha.

964
00:49:46,688 --> 00:49:48,573
Yeah, sorry.

965
00:49:51,628 --> 00:49:55,693
Soon we were motoring
through the duty-free shops.

966
00:49:57,988 --> 00:50:01,023
This works
by leaning to steer it.

967
00:50:01,108 --> 00:50:04,023
It runs on what are,
I believe, called "trucks",

968
00:50:04,108 --> 00:50:05,843
which are the little wheels
under skateboards,

969
00:50:05,928 --> 00:50:07,883
and they... they go
in the direction you lean.

970
00:50:07,968 --> 00:50:10,723
Coming through.
Oh, sorry, madam.

971
00:50:10,808 --> 00:50:14,183
I think it'd be better
if it made a noise.

972
00:50:14,268 --> 00:50:17,183
- Hello, this is the future.
- I want one!

973
00:50:17,268 --> 00:50:19,103
You're dragging your suitcase

974
00:50:19,188 --> 00:50:21,613
instead of using it
to get you to the gate.

975
00:50:23,268 --> 00:50:26,623
Oh. Beep, beep, beep.

976
00:50:26,708 --> 00:50:30,463
Sorry, I've... Sorry, I...
Thank you.

977
00:50:30,548 --> 00:50:33,163
In full power mode, I have a
top speed of 28 miles an hour

978
00:50:33,248 --> 00:50:35,103
but I'm not using that

979
00:50:35,188 --> 00:50:37,723
because in full power mode,
you have no steering at all.

980
00:50:37,808 --> 00:50:39,063
No, no, no, no, no!

981
00:50:39,148 --> 00:50:41,683
Oh, sorry, mate...

982
00:50:41,768 --> 00:50:44,163
Er, Jeremy,
you've killed a man!

983
00:50:44,248 --> 00:50:47,203
- Oh, shit, no!
- Oh, Hammond's gone!

984
00:50:47,288 --> 00:50:49,783
Ow.

985
00:50:49,868 --> 00:50:52,543
- I meant that.
- He's gone!

986
00:50:52,628 --> 00:50:56,723
Eventually, though, I started
to get the hang of my machine.

987
00:50:56,808 --> 00:50:58,703
Handbrake turn.

988
00:50:58,788 --> 00:51:01,303
Hammond!

989
00:51:01,388 --> 00:51:03,403
- What?
- I'm drifting a suitcase.

990
00:51:03,488 --> 00:51:06,123
This is more like
a race track than a shop.

991
00:51:06,208 --> 00:51:08,028
Oh, shit!

992
00:51:09,828 --> 00:51:11,228
Oh, sh...

993
00:51:12,908 --> 00:51:15,523
Can somebody do... This is...
Where's the manager?

994
00:51:15,608 --> 00:51:18,023
This was like this
when we got here.

995
00:51:18,108 --> 00:51:20,403
OK, we could try
and rebuild it, or...

996
00:51:20,488 --> 00:51:22,703
Going to have to rebuild it.

997
00:51:22,788 --> 00:51:25,183
Actually,
genuinely hurt my leg.

998
00:51:25,268 --> 00:51:26,863
Not that you're bothered.

999
00:51:26,948 --> 00:51:28,503
I'm bothered
when you hurt yourself,

1000
00:51:28,588 --> 00:51:30,363
which is every time
you get in a moving vehicle.

1001
00:51:30,448 --> 00:51:33,103
How bothered are you?
I genuinely have hurt my ankle.

1002
00:51:33,188 --> 00:51:34,963
You're not going to get
an air ambulance trip

1003
00:51:35,048 --> 00:51:37,083
out of crashing into
some chocolate bars.

1004
00:51:37,168 --> 00:51:41,373
Soon, we decided that instead of
rebuilding the Toblerone mountain...

1005
00:51:42,868 --> 00:51:46,683
we should use the time
we'd made up having a drink.

1006
00:51:49,528 --> 00:51:51,403
Ah!

1007
00:51:51,488 --> 00:51:54,503
Sorry!

1008
00:51:54,588 --> 00:51:56,063
Oh, God. Um...

1009
00:51:56,148 --> 00:51:57,843
Can I have...
Er, sorry about that.

1010
00:51:57,928 --> 00:52:00,303
It's... difficult to stop.

1011
00:52:00,388 --> 00:52:01,863
Um... What do you want?

1012
00:52:01,948 --> 00:52:03,283
Er, I'll have
a gin and tonic.

1013
00:52:03,368 --> 00:52:05,053
Two gin and tonics, please.

1014
00:52:07,268 --> 00:52:10,143
So, it's a skateboard
with a cordless drill motor,

1015
00:52:10,228 --> 00:52:12,323
and then it gets its power
from the laptop batteries?

1016
00:52:12,408 --> 00:52:14,483
- And that's really a...
- Yeah. Laptop. It works.

1017
00:52:14,568 --> 00:52:16,543
There's my laptop.

1018
00:52:16,628 --> 00:52:18,903
That's actually quite clever.

1019
00:52:18,988 --> 00:52:20,903
The way we have
to look at it is, yes,

1020
00:52:20,988 --> 00:52:23,163
there was a small accident
with the Toblerone,

1021
00:52:23,248 --> 00:52:25,143
- and I did kill a man.
- You did.

1022
00:52:25,228 --> 00:52:27,803
But other than those minor
drawbacks, I think we're going well.

1023
00:52:27,888 --> 00:52:30,083
I mean, when have we ever,
in all of our travels,

1024
00:52:30,168 --> 00:52:32,243
stopped for a gin and tonic
at an airport?

1025
00:52:32,328 --> 00:52:34,823
Never ever had time
to do that.

1026
00:52:34,908 --> 00:52:36,283
Having finished our drinks,

1027
00:52:36,368 --> 00:52:40,183
we set off into
the warren of walkways.

1028
00:52:40,268 --> 00:52:44,613
This meant I could finally
unleash my suitcase-mobile.

1029
00:52:49,188 --> 00:52:51,933
The speeeed!

1030
00:52:52,708 --> 00:52:55,503
Oh, rides like a Tesla.

1031
00:52:55,588 --> 00:52:57,243
Hello. Ooh, ha.

1032
00:52:57,328 --> 00:53:00,823
Enjoying your walk?

1033
00:53:00,908 --> 00:53:04,203
Hammond, meanwhile, had
decided to use the travellator.

1034
00:53:04,288 --> 00:53:05,983
Yeah.

1035
00:53:06,068 --> 00:53:08,523
I'm saving laptop batteries
by doing this.

1036
00:53:08,608 --> 00:53:10,693
Just... Oh, no,
hang on a minute.

1037
00:53:12,028 --> 00:53:14,683
How am I going to
get off the end of this?

1038
00:53:14,768 --> 00:53:16,583
Wait. I'm in reverse.

1039
00:53:16,668 --> 00:53:19,163
So I can stay... I'm stationary,
but only cos I'm in reverse.

1040
00:53:19,248 --> 00:53:20,783
Um...

1041
00:53:20,868 --> 00:53:25,813
If you just stride,
stride, stride, stride. Um...

1042
00:53:26,868 --> 00:53:29,243
Having eventually reunited...

1043
00:53:29,328 --> 00:53:31,943
Out of the way.

1044
00:53:32,028 --> 00:53:34,283
...we arrived
at the departure gate

1045
00:53:34,368 --> 00:53:37,063
feeling fresh and calm.

1046
00:53:37,148 --> 00:53:40,043
Nothing to see here.
Nothing to see.

1047
00:53:40,128 --> 00:53:42,063
Is it gate 88, Hammond?

1048
00:53:42,156 --> 00:53:44,578
What? No, mate,
it's this one.

1049
00:53:46,468 --> 00:53:48,213
There's no plane!

1050
00:53:56,708 --> 00:53:59,083
And on that
terrible disappointment,

1051
00:53:59,450 --> 00:54:00,783
back to the tent.

1052
00:54:00,868 --> 00:54:03,403
I liked that bit.

1053
00:54:03,488 --> 00:54:05,853
I enjoyed that bit.

1054
00:54:07,708 --> 00:54:10,253
That was quite hurty.

1055
00:54:11,268 --> 00:54:13,023
Right, we know
how his works. I...

1056
00:54:13,108 --> 00:54:14,783
I just...
I fell out of a tunnel!

1057
00:54:14,868 --> 00:54:17,263
I'm not interested in that. I
want to know how yours works.

1058
00:54:17,348 --> 00:54:19,258
Well, it's exactly the same.
It was a cordless

1059
00:54:19,344 --> 00:54:20,843
drill motor and some
laptop batteries.

1060
00:54:20,928 --> 00:54:22,843
Right, and you're claiming
that has a top speed

1061
00:54:22,928 --> 00:54:24,343
of 28 miles an hour?

1062
00:54:24,428 --> 00:54:26,843
I was doing 28 when I fell
out of the tunnel.

1063
00:54:26,928 --> 00:54:28,543
- Really?
- Yes, 28.

1064
00:54:28,628 --> 00:54:29,903
I didn't believe him either,

1065
00:54:29,988 --> 00:54:31,523
so when the airport
quietened down a bit,

1066
00:54:31,608 --> 00:54:34,403
- we organised a race.
- Yeah, we did. We got some drivers.

1067
00:54:34,488 --> 00:54:36,723
I got Abbie
to ride my suitcase.

1068
00:54:36,808 --> 00:54:40,183
Yep, and my laptop
was ridden by Aaron Davis,

1069
00:54:40,268 --> 00:54:43,743
the second fastest young
skateboarder in Britain,

1070
00:54:43,828 --> 00:54:45,563
and you can't get
better than that.

1071
00:54:45,648 --> 00:54:48,343
Well... You can.

1072
00:54:48,428 --> 00:54:50,223
You can get the fastest,
but I didn't.

1073
00:54:50,308 --> 00:54:52,323
Anyway, you didn't.
Who wants to see the race?

1074
00:54:52,408 --> 00:54:54,653
- Yes!
- OK, play the tape.

1075
00:54:58,188 --> 00:55:02,383
Right, here's Abbie
on my superb suitcase.

1076
00:55:02,468 --> 00:55:05,723
And here's Hammond's man
on the laptop.

1077
00:55:05,808 --> 00:55:08,683
And now...
let's see what happens.

1078
00:55:08,768 --> 00:55:11,443
Three, two, one.

1079
00:55:54,215 --> 00:55:56,590
That was exciting.

1080
00:55:56,808 --> 00:55:58,228
I think...

1081
00:55:59,235 --> 00:56:00,790
Who, here...

1082
00:56:01,078 --> 00:56:03,782
Hands up. Who, here, would
like to have one of those

1083
00:56:03,868 --> 00:56:05,923
- for going through an airport?
- Yeah, it's the way forward.

1084
00:56:06,008 --> 00:56:07,343
There you go.
We're onto something.

1085
00:56:07,428 --> 00:56:09,163
- It's the way forwards.
- Just hang on a minute.

1086
00:56:09,248 --> 00:56:11,523
Can I just ask, is that
the first race in history

1087
00:56:11,608 --> 00:56:15,623
where all of the competitors
crashed before the finish?

1088
00:56:15,708 --> 00:56:18,008
- - Probably is, actually.
- Um, probably, yeah.

1089
00:56:18,093 --> 00:56:19,594
- Probably is. Yeah.
- And let's not forget

1090
00:56:19,679 --> 00:56:20,883
when you used
your inventions,

1091
00:56:20,968 --> 00:56:23,263
you fell off quite badly,

1092
00:56:23,348 --> 00:56:26,742
you killed a man and then you
drove out of the end of a tunnel.

1093
00:56:26,835 --> 00:56:31,383
Yes, I did do that, and I crashed into
those Toblerone, which also hurt, yeah.

1094
00:56:31,468 --> 00:56:33,403
So those, those things
you've created

1095
00:56:33,488 --> 00:56:36,443
are a complete menace
to the people using them,

1096
00:56:36,528 --> 00:56:38,883
and everybody else
in the airport.

1097
00:56:38,968 --> 00:56:40,143
- Uh...
- Fair?

1098
00:56:40,228 --> 00:56:42,063
- Yeah.
- Yes, that is fair,

1099
00:56:42,148 --> 00:56:44,103
actually,
now I come to think of it.

1100
00:56:44,188 --> 00:56:47,083
And so, on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.

1101
00:56:47,168 --> 00:56:49,643
Now, next week,
there's a Grand Tour special.

1102
00:56:49,728 --> 00:56:52,603
We're attempting to cross
the vast wilderness

1103
00:56:52,688 --> 00:56:55,963
that is Mongolia,
using a car that we built -

1104
00:56:56,048 --> 00:56:58,223
well, they built - ourselves.

1105
00:56:58,308 --> 00:57:00,523
See you then. Take care.

1106
00:57:00,608 --> 00:57:02,343
Good night.