1 00:00:03,070 --> 00:00:05,504 - We still on for ten? - Yup. 2 00:00:11,150 --> 00:00:16,907 People see me and see the suit, but they know I'm rock and roll through and through. 3 00:00:17,110 --> 00:00:20,580 You know "live fast, die young"? Not my way. 4 00:00:20,790 --> 00:00:26,262 Live fast, sure. Too bloody fast sometimes! But die young? Die old. 5 00:00:27,390 --> 00:00:31,747 I'm not orthodox. I don't live by "the rules". 6 00:00:31,950 --> 00:00:37,502 If there's one other person who's influenced me in that way of thinking - 7 00:00:37,710 --> 00:00:44,024 someone who's a maverick, who does that to the system - it's lan botham. 8 00:00:44,230 --> 00:00:50,669 Beefy will happily say, "that's what I think of your selection policy. 9 00:00:50,870 --> 00:00:54,658 "Yes, I've hit the odd copper, enjoyed the odd doobie. 10 00:00:54,870 --> 00:00:59,386 "Piss off. I'm walking to john o'groats for some spastics." 11 00:00:59,590 --> 00:01:04,539 You been reorganising stuff out there? It looks a bit chaotic, that's all. 12 00:01:04,750 --> 00:01:08,743 - We're assimilating. - Assimilating what? 13 00:01:08,950 --> 00:01:13,182 - Just taking on people and putting them... - into lots? 14 00:01:13,390 --> 00:01:18,464 Yeah. Just categorising. Not in any sort of like "label me"... 15 00:01:18,670 --> 00:01:22,106 but just, "that's your vibe. That's your vibe." 16 00:01:26,030 --> 00:01:28,908 What's in here, then? 17 00:01:29,110 --> 00:01:33,262 Oh, my god. A leather basque. Fantastic. 18 00:01:33,470 --> 00:01:39,579 I've always wanted one of these actually. Cheers, guys. Let's try it on. 19 00:01:39,790 --> 00:01:42,065 See if it fits. 20 00:01:45,910 --> 00:01:50,700 You should try it on properly in case you have to take it back. 21 00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:54,027 Try it on without that stuff underneath. 22 00:01:54,230 --> 00:01:56,186 Happy birthday. 23 00:01:58,030 --> 00:02:02,103 - Oh, my god! It's disgusting. - Even I'm shocked. 24 00:02:02,310 --> 00:02:07,259 - You dirty mare! Does it work? - One size fits all. 25 00:02:07,470 --> 00:02:12,225 Sorry. Can I just...? Look at the face. Gareth, look at the face. 26 00:02:12,430 --> 00:02:15,388 - I'm not touching that. - Why? Look. 27 00:02:15,590 --> 00:02:19,060 - You don't know where that's been. - It's been in a box. 28 00:02:19,270 --> 00:02:22,262 - In the factory. - Your amazing mind again. 29 00:02:22,470 --> 00:02:26,748 In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers. 30 00:02:26,950 --> 00:02:30,022 Thank you for my lovely presents. 31 00:02:31,230 --> 00:02:35,985 They're malleable... and that's what I like, really. 32 00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:39,944 I don't like people saying, "we do it this way." 33 00:02:40,150 --> 00:02:47,101 I just want to go, "do it this way... if you like. If you don't..." 34 00:02:47,310 --> 00:02:52,304 team playing. I call it "team individuality". It's a management style. 35 00:02:52,510 --> 00:02:55,786 - Guilty. Unorthodox. Sue me. - It is. 36 00:02:55,990 --> 00:03:00,859 But nothing ever changes by staying the same. 37 00:03:01,910 --> 00:03:04,140 Quite literally. 38 00:03:06,670 --> 00:03:08,626 - Hi, guys. - Hello. 39 00:03:08,830 --> 00:03:12,789 You like that. Is that because it looks like yours? 40 00:03:12,990 --> 00:03:19,589 Yeah. It's identical. Mine's not that size - it's very tiny - but it is made of plastic. 41 00:03:19,790 --> 00:03:22,748 Mine's massive and it ain't made of plastic. 42 00:03:27,830 --> 00:03:30,298 I dare you to put it in brent's office. 43 00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:32,705 - Why? - As a dare. 44 00:03:32,910 --> 00:03:36,869 - He's having a meeting with neil. - That's the challenge. 45 00:03:37,070 --> 00:03:39,948 - Why would I do it? - It would make me laugh. 46 00:03:40,150 --> 00:03:41,902 - I'll do it. - I'll do it. 47 00:03:42,110 --> 00:03:46,342 - Just hide it in there somewhere. - Just hide it? 48 00:03:46,550 --> 00:03:49,986 - Yeah. - Simple. Couldn't be easier. 49 00:03:50,190 --> 00:03:51,862 Straightforward. 50 00:03:54,590 --> 00:03:56,546 - Come in. 51 00:03:56,750 --> 00:04:00,265 Sorry to interrupt. I just wondered if... 52 00:04:03,070 --> 00:04:07,427 I've completely forgotten what I came in for. I'm sorry. 53 00:04:07,630 --> 00:04:10,303 Come on, tim. 54 00:04:10,510 --> 00:04:13,547 - Get it back. - Too many late nights. 55 00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:17,982 Sorry. It's totally gone. I'm holding your folder. Sorry. 56 00:04:18,190 --> 00:04:21,705 It's gone. Bse. No more beef. 57 00:04:21,910 --> 00:04:27,348 There's something you can do for me. My lot haven't been down to the warehouse. 58 00:04:27,550 --> 00:04:30,223 - Would you mind taking them? - Not at all. 59 00:04:30,430 --> 00:04:34,901 - There's not a lot to see. - Everyone should know everyone else. 60 00:04:35,110 --> 00:04:37,066 Tell glynn I said it's ok. 61 00:04:37,270 --> 00:04:42,469 Tell taffy that I said it was ok and neil agrees with me. 62 00:04:42,670 --> 00:04:44,945 - Ok. - Thanks, tim. 63 00:04:50,310 --> 00:04:54,223 That was brilliant. Did you see it went under the folder? 64 00:04:59,990 --> 00:05:02,185 - Gareth, out of ten? - Three. 65 00:05:02,430 --> 00:05:04,341 - Three?! - Three?! 66 00:05:12,150 --> 00:05:17,463 "You can't beat a bit of bully!" "Bullseye"! Here they are. Likely lads. 67 00:05:17,670 --> 00:05:20,468 - Hi. - New shoes. 68 00:05:20,670 --> 00:05:22,661 - Fashion. - Do you want a game? 69 00:05:22,870 --> 00:05:27,307 Yeah. "up to the oche. Let tu-oni look after you." 70 00:05:28,990 --> 00:05:31,584 "Two in a bed." 71 00:05:36,190 --> 00:05:41,947 Shit flights on those. A bit fuddy-duddy, darts, for a couple of young lads. 72 00:05:42,150 --> 00:05:45,108 - Not young. 29. - Over the hill. 73 00:05:45,310 --> 00:05:48,268 How old would you say I was? 74 00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:52,541 - 40? - No. How old do you think I look? 75 00:05:53,910 --> 00:05:56,424 - 39. - Most people think I look 30. 76 00:05:56,630 --> 00:05:59,622 - Definitely not. - You calling them liars? 77 00:05:59,830 --> 00:06:04,779 - What do you think? - Well, between 30 and 40. 78 00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:07,345 Yes. More honest. 79 00:06:20,670 --> 00:06:24,788 Ok. We're about to enter a warehouse environment. 80 00:06:24,990 --> 00:06:30,781 Some of the people here will be working-class. There may be arse-cleavage, so... 81 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:35,381 find a partner. Hold hands. Don't talk to anyone. 82 00:06:35,590 --> 00:06:38,343 Are you cheering? Ok. Let's go. 83 00:06:46,430 --> 00:06:50,981 Here's the hub of the operation. Working hard as usual. 84 00:06:53,670 --> 00:06:57,106 - All right? - The stripper's arrived. 85 00:06:58,390 --> 00:07:03,669 - Ok. You get five minutes, but no touching. - I always knew you were bent. 86 00:07:03,870 --> 00:07:07,260 - She'll get 'em out for a tenner. - Fuck off. 87 00:07:10,950 --> 00:07:14,226 - What? - Lend us a tenner! 88 00:07:14,430 --> 00:07:18,184 - You won't see them tonight. - It's ok. I've got cable. 89 00:07:21,630 --> 00:07:26,465 Ok. I'll show you this aisle first. 90 00:07:26,670 --> 00:07:28,262 Bender! 91 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:38,823 No! Get lost, you cheeky bastard. 92 00:07:41,870 --> 00:07:43,462 No! 93 00:07:51,310 --> 00:07:57,579 David. This is ray and jude. Ray and jude... sorry. Forgotten where you're from. 94 00:07:57,790 --> 00:08:02,227 - Cooper & webb - consultants. - Who's cooper and who's webb? 95 00:08:02,430 --> 00:08:05,627 - Neither of us. - I bet you get that all the time. 96 00:08:05,830 --> 00:08:07,263 No. 97 00:08:07,470 --> 00:08:09,665 Anyway... 98 00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:13,943 first things first. Any more mail? 99 00:08:15,790 --> 00:08:18,543 Mr d. Brent. That's me. 100 00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:35,786 Come through. 101 00:08:55,630 --> 00:08:58,098 Must just... 102 00:09:07,710 --> 00:09:09,587 shoot. 103 00:09:10,310 --> 00:09:13,268 - Are you aware of what we do? - No. 104 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:19,022 Basically, we organise training days for corporations and individuals 105 00:09:19,230 --> 00:09:22,188 who pay to get an advantage in business. 106 00:09:22,390 --> 00:09:25,063 But it's not just boring facts. 107 00:09:25,270 --> 00:09:30,788 We train them how to walk into a room and say, "you're doing business with me." 108 00:09:30,990 --> 00:09:35,939 I'll stop you there. I don't need anything like that. I do my own training. 109 00:09:36,150 --> 00:09:39,825 Sorry. No... we're not trying to get your business. 110 00:09:40,030 --> 00:09:42,988 We'd like you to be one of our experts. 111 00:09:43,830 --> 00:09:48,745 Good choice. Why did you dudes swing by here in the first place? 112 00:09:48,950 --> 00:09:54,183 We'd heard good things about it. We got your name from andy hitchcock. 113 00:09:54,390 --> 00:09:59,464 Oh, god. Cockle. Cocky. The big cock. 114 00:09:59,670 --> 00:10:03,948 Next time you see him, ask him if he got the grass stains out - 115 00:10:04,150 --> 00:10:06,186 not in front of his wife. 116 00:10:11,710 --> 00:10:14,668 What sort of tip would you want me on? 117 00:10:14,870 --> 00:10:19,227 We're looking for people who are dynamic, good communicators. 118 00:10:19,430 --> 00:10:24,379 People who can communicate with young people - 20-somethings. 119 00:10:29,430 --> 00:10:33,981 - You don't see heels like those much. - You can still find them. 120 00:10:34,190 --> 00:10:36,624 - What sort of bunce is it? - Sorry? 121 00:10:37,510 --> 00:10:41,389 - Well, to start with... - bunsen burner. 122 00:10:43,870 --> 00:10:47,749 Bunsen burner - nice little earner. Hence the... 123 00:10:50,230 --> 00:10:51,982 bunce. 124 00:10:52,190 --> 00:10:55,546 To start we'd put you on about £300. 125 00:10:55,750 --> 00:11:00,187 - £300 for an hour's work? - You'd only talk for 15 minutes. 126 00:11:00,390 --> 00:11:03,348 15 minutes! That's... 127 00:11:03,550 --> 00:11:10,069 that's £1,200 an hour pro rata. That's the sort of fee I'd be looking at. Yeah. 128 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,909 - When would you want to do it? - Soon. 129 00:11:14,310 --> 00:11:16,949 Count me in. Thank you. 130 00:11:17,150 --> 00:11:22,622 - We could make some dates now. - Absolutement. What's that? 131 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,900 - It's a dildo. - Is it yours? 132 00:11:26,110 --> 00:11:29,625 - No! - No. I don't know... sorry. 133 00:11:29,830 --> 00:11:34,108 This is an example of problems. Let's have a look. 134 00:11:35,790 --> 00:11:42,502 Ok, everybody. What am I doing in there with a dildo? 135 00:11:42,710 --> 00:11:47,704 She says it's not hers and I believe her, so whose is it? 136 00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:53,705 Right. What's it doing in there? 137 00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:58,381 It's a birthday present, but I don't know what it's doing in there. 138 00:11:58,590 --> 00:12:01,468 Ok. Good harmless fun. 139 00:12:01,670 --> 00:12:06,380 Many happy returns, but what have we learnt from this? 140 00:12:07,750 --> 00:12:13,427 - Not to leave your dildo lying around? - Don't let it out of your sight. 141 00:12:13,630 --> 00:12:16,098 - Oh. What's that? 142 00:12:18,870 --> 00:12:20,940 Just... 143 00:12:21,150 --> 00:12:23,584 sorry. How do you...? 144 00:12:23,790 --> 00:12:27,829 Oh, it's worse. What do you do when that happens? 145 00:12:28,030 --> 00:12:31,386 Can you make sure that gets back to...? 146 00:12:31,590 --> 00:12:36,539 - Can we put some dates in? - Sure. We're in the middle of something. 147 00:12:52,150 --> 00:12:55,745 You've got to smuggle this about your person. 148 00:12:55,950 --> 00:13:01,308 - I'm not saying anything about... - if you want bravery, I'll do a dare. 149 00:13:01,510 --> 00:13:04,468 - Bravery? - Ok. 150 00:13:05,510 --> 00:13:09,469 I'm going to write things for you to say. Come here. 151 00:13:09,670 --> 00:13:13,743 Then I'll phone david and I want you to say them. 152 00:13:13,950 --> 00:13:18,102 - No. You'll make me sound like a bender. - I swear I won't. 153 00:13:18,310 --> 00:13:20,744 - No way. - It'll just be funny things. 154 00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:23,100 I won't sound like a bender. 155 00:13:23,310 --> 00:13:25,062 - Hello? - It's gareth. 156 00:13:25,270 --> 00:13:30,663 - I'm in a meeting at the moment. - Yeah. Just going to say a few things. 157 00:13:30,870 --> 00:13:32,428 All right. 158 00:13:32,630 --> 00:13:35,986 - You're doing a great job. - 0k. 159 00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:40,980 Just an employee saying what a superb jiob I'm doing. Is that it? 160 00:13:41,190 --> 00:13:44,341 No. I like your little beard. 161 00:13:46,270 --> 00:13:49,307 - 0k. Is that it? - 0ne more thing. 162 00:13:49,510 --> 00:13:51,023 What? 163 00:13:51,950 --> 00:13:54,987 You should wear tighter trousers. 164 00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,704 - Can I call you back? - Yeah. Bye. 165 00:14:03,350 --> 00:14:07,343 That was genius! Genius. Genius. 166 00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:18,342 Brilliant. 167 00:14:21,390 --> 00:14:26,384 Our website has profiles of our speakers. Can you answer a few questions? 168 00:14:26,590 --> 00:14:28,546 - Go for it. - Ok. 169 00:14:28,750 --> 00:14:33,699 "If you could have lunch with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" 170 00:14:35,670 --> 00:14:42,109 Martin luther king and the dalai lama... and rory bremner. 171 00:14:42,310 --> 00:14:46,940 Those two could get a bit heavy, and he'd lighten things up. 172 00:14:47,150 --> 00:14:50,187 Do impressions of them... and me! 173 00:14:52,070 --> 00:14:55,028 "What's your biggest disappointment?" 174 00:14:55,230 --> 00:14:58,142 - Alton towers. - Oh. 175 00:14:58,350 --> 00:15:00,944 - I've never been. - It's rubbish. Next. 176 00:15:04,790 --> 00:15:06,746 - Hello. - Hiya. 177 00:15:06,950 --> 00:15:12,786 - Still doing your practical jokes? - Yeah. I'm trying to do some work now. 178 00:15:12,990 --> 00:15:14,981 - I've got some. - Have you? 179 00:15:15,190 --> 00:15:17,146 - Yeah. - What you got? 180 00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,466 Oh... 181 00:15:21,430 --> 00:15:24,820 I used to do loads... what were they? 182 00:15:26,710 --> 00:15:29,383 We can think of some. 183 00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:32,104 - Absolutely. - Some new ones. 184 00:15:32,310 --> 00:15:34,346 - Some good ones. - For? 185 00:15:34,550 --> 00:15:38,429 What about gareth? It's time he had some tricks played on him. 186 00:15:38,630 --> 00:15:41,383 What would your motto be? 187 00:15:43,070 --> 00:15:48,019 Some bosses are intimidated by training their staff up too well. 188 00:15:48,230 --> 00:15:52,906 I don't mind it. I actually like my staff to be better than me. 189 00:15:53,110 --> 00:15:57,740 That keeps me on my toes. So my motto would be... 190 00:15:57,950 --> 00:16:03,946 be careful because there's always somebody ready to step into your shoes 191 00:16:04,150 --> 00:16:09,543 and do your job better... than... you... do it. 192 00:16:12,550 --> 00:16:14,984 Heh heh. 193 00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:17,750 I'm gluing the phone. 194 00:16:19,230 --> 00:16:22,267 - In the name of fun. - He will hate you. 195 00:16:34,270 --> 00:16:37,865 - What's in it? - What's this? 196 00:16:38,070 --> 00:16:42,507 - It's a little birthday bash for trudy. - Who organised this? 197 00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,143 I did. 198 00:16:45,350 --> 00:16:47,306 Bit over the top. 199 00:16:47,510 --> 00:16:50,820 - How much did that cost? - I made it myself. 200 00:16:51,030 --> 00:16:54,102 - Made it yourself? - Every year he does. 201 00:16:55,870 --> 00:16:58,304 Bit sweet. Too rich. 202 00:16:58,510 --> 00:17:02,344 - That's really nice. - His lemon drizzle cake's even better. 203 00:17:02,550 --> 00:17:04,506 I prefer a flan. 204 00:17:06,550 --> 00:17:08,506 Whoo! 205 00:17:11,110 --> 00:17:14,182 It's a pleasure to watch you. She's a prude. 206 00:17:14,390 --> 00:17:16,540 - No, she's not. - She is. 207 00:17:16,750 --> 00:17:19,025 - Really? - She's very... 208 00:17:20,030 --> 00:17:24,546 - not 40? - It's true. Every time that does happen... 209 00:17:25,990 --> 00:17:30,506 are you in a meeting? I've just had an interesting meeting. 210 00:17:30,710 --> 00:17:33,178 Those two are business people. 211 00:17:33,390 --> 00:17:39,784 They've got a business and they arrange management training seminars 212 00:17:39,990 --> 00:17:45,189 where they get expert speakers - john harvey-jones type figures. 213 00:17:45,390 --> 00:17:48,143 They've asked me. So... yeah. 214 00:17:48,350 --> 00:17:53,299 Perfect for me, because not only do I have a natural authority with people, 215 00:17:53,510 --> 00:17:56,263 but I'm an all-round entertainer, so... 216 00:17:57,350 --> 00:18:01,104 those qualities. Keep it under your hat. 217 00:18:01,310 --> 00:18:05,542 See those two business people under there? 218 00:18:20,710 --> 00:18:22,382 - Is that you? - Yeah. 219 00:18:22,590 --> 00:18:25,104 Could have had my eye out. 220 00:18:29,110 --> 00:18:31,385 - Hello. Gareth keenan. - Cock! 221 00:18:34,150 --> 00:18:40,339 Thank you! Oh, glorious! Did you see that? He still picked it up. 222 00:18:40,550 --> 00:18:42,984 - Was that you? - We glued it. 223 00:18:45,150 --> 00:18:50,144 - Was that superglue? Oh, my god. - Yes. 224 00:18:50,350 --> 00:18:52,784 It wouldn't take much time. 225 00:18:52,990 --> 00:18:56,699 I appreciate your interest, but I'm just so busy. 226 00:18:56,910 --> 00:19:00,459 - What are we talking about? - We want to involve this chap. 227 00:19:00,670 --> 00:19:04,948 - You could have asked me. It's a bit rude. - We'd use both of you... 228 00:19:05,150 --> 00:19:07,141 - I can do both. - I can't anyway. 229 00:19:07,350 --> 00:19:10,069 - Can I have your card anyway? - No point. 230 00:19:10,270 --> 00:19:14,946 - We might be able to persuade you. - If he goes back on it, he's weak. 231 00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:20,549 - We ought to be going. - Yeah. Leave as agreed. 232 00:19:20,750 --> 00:19:24,902 - We'll be in touch. - Nice to meet you. Bye. 233 00:19:25,110 --> 00:19:30,423 You're definitely not doing it? I thought you were trying to worm your way in. 234 00:19:30,630 --> 00:19:33,747 - I'm not interested. - Why? Beneath you, is it? 235 00:19:33,950 --> 00:19:38,068 No. I don't think you can teach people that sort of thing. 236 00:19:38,270 --> 00:19:42,707 - Depends who the guru is. - Beware of false prophets! 237 00:19:42,910 --> 00:19:46,425 That's my point. It's not all about profits. 238 00:19:46,630 --> 00:19:50,418 - I meant prophets... - I meant, I meant. If only, if only. 239 00:19:50,630 --> 00:19:53,906 If only me auntie had bollocks, she'd be me uncle. 240 00:20:00,390 --> 00:20:02,346 Every time in one. 241 00:20:02,710 --> 00:20:07,500 - Ok. Top trumps. Pop stars. - Pop stars? 242 00:20:07,710 --> 00:20:09,985 - Do you know how to play? - Yeah. 243 00:20:10,190 --> 00:20:16,026 I don't talk about my love life for a very good reason - I don't have one. 244 00:20:16,230 --> 00:20:20,143 Which is good news for the ladies. I am still available. 245 00:20:20,350 --> 00:20:26,107 I'm a heck of a catch. I mean, I live in slough, in a lovely house... 246 00:20:26,870 --> 00:20:29,509 with my parents. 247 00:20:29,710 --> 00:20:34,340 I have my own room, which I've had since I was born. 248 00:20:34,550 --> 00:20:37,110 That's seen a lot of action. 249 00:20:37,310 --> 00:20:39,266 Mainly dusting. 250 00:20:39,470 --> 00:20:45,340 I went to university for a year... before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter. 251 00:20:45,550 --> 00:20:48,701 So, yeah, form an orderly queue, ladies. 252 00:20:48,910 --> 00:20:50,866 Look at him. 253 00:20:51,070 --> 00:20:56,224 I've been on safari and I've never seen anything like that. 254 00:20:56,430 --> 00:20:59,786 I've got 94. I have got 94! 255 00:20:59,990 --> 00:21:01,742 I do. 256 00:21:01,950 --> 00:21:04,669 Well, I've been known to do that. 257 00:21:04,870 --> 00:21:07,543 - Are you complaining? - No. 258 00:21:07,750 --> 00:21:12,699 Number of haircuts. Is that a valid thing? Are you getting mullered? 259 00:21:12,910 --> 00:21:15,583 - Not really. - You've spilt some on your... 260 00:21:15,790 --> 00:21:20,500 - I know. Shall we carry on with the game? - I wish you would. 261 00:21:20,710 --> 00:21:22,905 Can I have...? Stop that. 262 00:21:23,110 --> 00:21:27,262 If anyone wants to pay me that for 15 minutes work, they can... 263 00:21:30,630 --> 00:21:32,348 chris finch. 264 00:21:32,550 --> 00:21:35,906 Finchy! All right? Go on. 265 00:21:36,910 --> 00:21:39,947 What's the difference between a fox and a dog? 266 00:21:40,910 --> 00:21:43,629 About eight pints of lager! 267 00:21:43,830 --> 00:21:46,469 It's party time here. You coming in? 268 00:21:46,670 --> 00:21:50,106 - Why not? - I'm already here, you fat twat! 269 00:21:50,310 --> 00:21:54,826 - Neil, my good friend, chris finch. - I know chris. Nicks all my jokes. 270 00:21:55,030 --> 00:21:59,103 I do not. I borrow them. Has that lisa moved up here? 271 00:21:59,310 --> 00:22:01,744 No. She's looking for a job. 272 00:22:01,950 --> 00:22:05,226 - If it's a blow job, I'll help. - She's not desperate. 273 00:22:05,430 --> 00:22:08,866 - I'll take her up the dole office! - Dole orifice! 274 00:22:09,070 --> 00:22:11,459 - Rubbish. - I've got a vacancy she can fill! 275 00:22:11,670 --> 00:22:15,345 That's better. His work. Don't try and... 276 00:22:17,390 --> 00:22:19,620 - what are you like? - Another one. 277 00:22:19,830 --> 00:22:23,539 Once a year, kid. Cheers, cheers. 278 00:22:42,510 --> 00:22:47,709 If you like top trumps, you should come to me. I've got five sets. 279 00:22:47,910 --> 00:22:51,061 Don't try to beat me at monster trucks though. 280 00:22:51,270 --> 00:22:53,738 - It's a game of chance. - It's not. 281 00:22:53,950 --> 00:22:57,022 I'd know which cards you'd got by what I'd got. 282 00:22:57,230 --> 00:23:00,188 I used to play it by myself with a dummy hand, 283 00:23:00,390 --> 00:23:06,260 testing out which cards beat which other cards, for hours sometimes. 284 00:23:06,470 --> 00:23:10,668 Three or four hours at a time, but the rewards are obvious. 285 00:23:13,150 --> 00:23:17,109 I know exactly which cards you've got from what I've got, 286 00:23:17,310 --> 00:23:21,098 so I would know exactly what feature to pick on my card 287 00:23:21,310 --> 00:23:25,747 to defeat any card that you could have in your hand. 288 00:23:25,950 --> 00:23:27,986 You will never win. 289 00:23:29,150 --> 00:23:31,425 It'd still be fun, though. 290 00:23:33,550 --> 00:23:36,781 - Do you know what they're paying me? - No. 291 00:23:36,990 --> 00:23:39,948 Right. 15 minutes work, 300 quid. 292 00:23:40,150 --> 00:23:42,903 - £1,200 an hour - you do the math. 293 00:23:43,110 --> 00:23:46,546 - Yeah. It'd be £1,200 an hour. - That's the... 294 00:23:46,750 --> 00:23:50,186 - can I have a birthday kiss? - You certainly can. 295 00:23:50,390 --> 00:23:53,063 - No tongues. - Oh. 296 00:23:57,150 --> 00:24:02,178 Oh... that's good, isn't it? Didn't ask me out of respect. Knows I'd say no. 297 00:24:02,390 --> 00:24:06,349 Didn't cross a boundary and that's... good girl. 298 00:24:08,550 --> 00:24:10,222 Go on. 299 00:24:12,950 --> 00:24:15,862 I do it from behind if I don't like their face. 300 00:24:16,070 --> 00:24:21,144 - Cheeky bastard! You like my face? - I love your face. You're beautiful. 301 00:24:21,350 --> 00:24:24,706 - You can still do me from behind. - Ooh! 302 00:24:26,710 --> 00:24:31,659 I'll do you from behind if it's a quick in and out, no strings attached. 303 00:24:31,870 --> 00:24:36,546 That's really sweet. Why don't you put that in an email to me? 304 00:24:36,750 --> 00:24:38,422 All right. 305 00:24:51,630 --> 00:24:57,580 # One kiss, two kiss, three kiss, four five kiss, seven kiss, eight kiss, more. # 306 00:25:06,590 --> 00:25:09,627 - birthday girl. Hello. - Hello. 307 00:25:09,830 --> 00:25:13,345 - You all right? - Mmm. Great. 308 00:25:13,550 --> 00:25:16,383 I'm just going to have a quick word. 309 00:25:16,590 --> 00:25:21,186 I know it's your birthday and you're flirting with everyone. 310 00:25:21,390 --> 00:25:26,066 - I know you wouldn't take it further... - I would! 311 00:25:26,270 --> 00:25:30,229 - Why not? It's all equal. - I'm just having a laugh. 312 00:25:30,430 --> 00:25:35,902 - I don't know what you're after. - A man! Hung like a shire horse! 313 00:25:36,110 --> 00:25:39,227 Aren't they big magnificent animals? 314 00:25:39,430 --> 00:25:43,218 - You say what you mean, don't you? - Mmm. 315 00:25:43,430 --> 00:25:47,184 I'm just not sure you're going to find it in here. 316 00:25:47,390 --> 00:25:50,700 - I'd ask you, but you're a bit old. - In my 30s. 317 00:25:50,910 --> 00:25:52,946 Born in the '30s! 318 00:25:53,150 --> 00:25:58,304 - I'm 30-something. I'm 30s. - But you've let yourself go a bit. 319 00:25:58,510 --> 00:26:02,469 Me? How about you? You're an embarrassment, love. 320 00:26:05,350 --> 00:26:07,705 - Bull rags? - What? 321 00:26:07,910 --> 00:26:11,664 - I thought you said bull rags. - No. Raw eggs. 322 00:26:11,870 --> 00:26:15,340 If you keep eating raw eggs, it makes you randy, 323 00:26:15,550 --> 00:26:19,907 but it allows you to do as many reps as you want. 324 00:26:20,110 --> 00:26:23,898 - How's the old car business? - All right. 325 00:26:24,110 --> 00:26:26,465 - Who's this? - The corrs. 326 00:26:26,670 --> 00:26:30,822 - They've done some good tunes. - Didn't write that, though. 327 00:26:31,030 --> 00:26:32,986 - Who did? - Don't you know? 328 00:26:33,190 --> 00:26:35,545 - No. - Not into pop music? 329 00:26:35,750 --> 00:26:40,699 - I prefer r&b. So who wrote that? - Fleetwood mac. I prefer their version. 330 00:26:40,910 --> 00:26:44,505 - I know who I'd rather wake up with! - Sexist. 331 00:26:44,710 --> 00:26:49,579 - They can play my instrument! - You wouldn't pull the corrs like that. 332 00:26:49,790 --> 00:26:54,739 - Like you know! - Why are you laughing? I'm a dark horse. 333 00:26:54,950 --> 00:26:59,944 - Like you could get anyone like the corrs! - Just 'cause I don't kiss and tell... 334 00:27:00,150 --> 00:27:04,780 - you don't kiss, there's nothing to tell. - He'd end up with the brother! 335 00:27:04,990 --> 00:27:09,381 No. I'd push the brother out of the room, bend them all over, 336 00:27:09,590 --> 00:27:14,664 do the drummer, the lead singer, and that one who plays violin. 337 00:27:23,110 --> 00:27:28,264 See? Your fault. Putting filth in people's minds. 338 00:27:43,990 --> 00:27:48,506 # So what becomes of you, my love, 339 00:27:49,990 --> 00:27:54,427 # when they have finally stripped you of 340 00:27:54,630 --> 00:27:56,939 # the handbags and the gladrags 341 00:27:57,150 --> 00:28:01,507 # that your granddad had to sweat so you could buy # 342 00:28:05,390 --> 00:28:07,984 - my knees hurt. - Nearly done.