You should get one of these.
No, thank you.
Do you even know what this is ?
It is a fitness orb. And it has completely changed my life
Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Done.
This ab workout is specifically designed,
to strenghthen your core.
- Sorry. - That's alright.
Numerous health benefits.
Strengthens your back.
Better performance in sports.
More enjoyable sex.
You are not having sex.
Plus, improves your reflexes.
See, I would've caught that.
Okay, you know what ?
How much is that ?
It's only 25 bucks.
Okay.
Syncro : Occeane (pmag.f2o.org/theofficeus/) Transcript : Nikki(twiztv.com)
Pam, could I see you in my office ?
It's performance review day, company wide.
Last year,
my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were.
And it ended with him telling me he could bench press 190 pounds.
So I don't really know what to expect.
- Pam, you're trustworthy. And a woman. - Thank you.
Oh no.
And I want you to listen to a voice mail from my boss.
Micheal, it's Jan. I guess I missed you.
I'll, be there this afternoon for performance reviews.
I hope it's understood, that will be our only topic of discussion.
See you soon.
First impressions ?
Just off the top,
I think she'll be here this afternoon.
My boss is coming in today.
The lovely Jan Levinson-Gould.
Well, no Gould. The Gould has been.
Divorce
The awkward part is that this is the first time,
we'll be seeing each other since...
Well...
it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment.
The vulnerable devorcee,
gives herself to the understanding with rugged good looks office manager.
Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason
We both didn't, I didn't want, we both didn't want it to continue.
It was not professional.
hen people say it, something's mutual, it never is.
But this was mutual.
I guess I missed you.
So she misses me.
She missed you.
But then she goes on to say,
"That will be our only topic of our discussion."
That doesn't mean anything. Those are just words.
I have one idea of what it means.
Okay, yeah, what ? What ?
Well, I don't think you're going to be very happy with this.
Oh great.
Alrigh, well, now I'm in a terrible mood.
Let's do your performance review.
Because she's conflicted.
She has to be professional.
But she's fighting feelings for you.
Why, that's great news.
That-that,
then why would, why would I not like that ?
Just cause that you work together.
- And it might be awkward. - Wow, wow.
Alright, let's listen to that again.
Michael, it's Jan. I guess I miss you.
Listen, Jim.
Here's a little tip for your performance review.
Tell Micheal,
that we should be stocking more of the double tabbed manilla file folders.
We don't have double tabbed manilla file folders.
- Oh yes we do. - No we don't.
Yeah, it's a new product.
So you should just suggest that to him.
And then he'll be sure to give you a raise.
Well, I'm not asking for a raise.
I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.
That is so stupid.
What if he gives it to you ?
Then I win.
You know what, I am going to zone you out for the rest of today.
I need to stay focused.
And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday.
please don't call me and we'll see how things go on Monday.
Stupid.
Wait, wait, one thing.
By tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right ?
Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it's Friday.
And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.
Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in thier words.
- Really ? - Oh yes.
Let's listen to it again.
And this time, really listen to the pauses.
Stanley, that's freakin' brilliant. How do you know that ?
Did you learn that on the streets ?
- Sorry. - Oh, it's okay.
I did learn it on the streets.
On the ghetto, in fact.
No kidding.
It's all about my bonus.
- Michael and Jan definitely made out. - Oh !
Maybe more.
Also it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday.
- So, keep that going. - Yay !
Good work Stanley. Great performance review.
For Stanley in the house everybody.
Angela, it's your turn.
Actually look forward to performance review.
I did the youth beauty pageant circuit.
And I enjoyed that quite a bit.
I really enjoy being judged.
I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.
Michael.
- Yeah. - Jan's on the phone for you.
Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year.
Interesting,
Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all.
Yeah.
- Michael. - Jan !
To what do I owe this pleasure ?
I am returning your many calls.
Well, hello to you too.
I was just...
I just wanted to get some closure on what transpired between us,
At the meeting we had I in the parking lot of the Chili's.
No.
No. We-we won't be discussing that, Michael.
The only things I want to talk about during your performance review,
are your concrete ideas to improve your branch.
Well, surely this,
because of what ...
happened, uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of the Chili's.
Review is anything but a formality, Michael.
And, uh, I expec you to forget anything that you think may,
have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior.
I'm thinking about you.
That is an example of completely unprofessional behavior.
I don't see how that's unprofessional.
- Michael. - Yeah.
- Are the cameras in there with you ?
- In your office ? - No
They are not.
Yes they are.
That's my girlfriend.
I heard they made out and had sex.
I heard they just made out. That's it.
Well, I heard they made out...
- And had sex. - Don't talk about it.
Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved.
Romances ?
Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis, I know I do.
I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas.
is there any chance that you wrote any of my ideas down ?
in a folder, like an idea folder ?
Sorry.
How about the suggestion box ?
There's tons of ideas in there.
- What suggestion box ? - The suggestion box that I put out.
And people could put in suggestions anonymously.
- Maybe there's prizes ? - Oh yeah.
Oh yeah. I think I remember that from back when I first started.
Why don't you find it and then tell people to get theirs-
Never mind, I'll tell them.
Hello, everybody.
Yeah, ah, attention, please.
Jan Levinson's coming very soon.
And so we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting.
So you can all get in your constructive compliments ASAP.
Don't you mean constructive criticism ?
- What did I say ? - You said constructive compliments.
That doesn't make any sense.
Well, Kelly. That was neither constructive nor a compliment.
o maybe you should stop criticizing my English.
And start making some suggestions.
Okay ?
Dan, this is Jim, it is about 11:15.
and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow,
which is the 15th and that is a...
Saturday.
Saturday, so just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch.
Okay, talk to you soon.
- Okay, bye-bye.
Would you please tell Michael that I'm here.
Sure.
Hi, Jan.
- How are you ? - Hi Micheal, I'm good. How are you ?
- Good to see you. - Nice to see you.
Okay.
Okay, why don't we just step into my off ?
- We're to go in here. - Can we please go into your office ?
Yep, right after you.
Apres vous.
I got...
- Thank you. - It's nice to see you.
- Nice to see you too Michael. - Really ?
Not like that.
You know, Michael, I think I need to make something clear right off the top.
I'm not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder Mifflin business.
- Alright. - Period.
Yep.
- Do we understand each other ? - Absolutely.
I'm a little confused because first it's all like kissey, kissey.
And then it's like all regret. Because, oh, I regret that.
But wait, I'm still going to call you.
But-but we're just going to talk business.
And I may come down there and fire you if you don't do your job.
But what were we talking about when we first kissed ?
Business.
So are you still in the middle of performance reviews then ?
No, no, no.
I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast.
Not like wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
But I do say thank you, ma'am.
But I'm not like, wham, bam.
Not that there's anything wrong with wham, bam.
If it's consensual.
We're talking about office stuff.
- Can I ask you a question ? - No.
This is a business question.
It is nothing personal, I promise.
F ine.
Are you wearing a new perfume today ?
How is that a business question ?
Well, you're wearing it at the office.
And...
it,
I'm sorry, no offense, but it's really sexy.
Please don't smell me Michael.
- Hey Jim. - Hey, how's it going ?
Oh, my God, did you see The Apprentice last night ?
Of course, it's on every Thursday night.
So how can I miss it ?
Can you believe who Trump fired ?
- No, that was unbelievable. - Who ?
- Who was it? Who did he fire ? - You didn't see it?
No. I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night.
Crap!
I never go out on a Thursday night.
What the hell was I thinking ?
I don't understand...
Hold on, sorry.
Yes, Pam.
Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
I did not, not use those words.
I'd like to sit in on that meeting. Is it happening right now ?
No, it's in like, 10 minutes.
Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Great, very good.
Why are we here ?
Because I value your opinions.
Now I know a lot of you don't think that I read your suggestions.
But I do.
I just sift through them every week.
And I really look and scrutinize,
to see what you guys are writing.
So let's just, uh, read some of these suckers, okay ?
Alright. Number one.
"What should we do to prepare for Y2K ?"
I thought you read these every week ?
Well, obviously, this one got stuck in the box.
- That happens occasionally. - It happens occasionally.
And, so...
One down. Next suggestion.
"We need a better outreach for employees fighting depression."
Okay, alright, enought with the jokes.
Nobody in here is suffering from depression.
That sounds serious Michael.
Well, yeah. Who wrote it ?
- Tom ? - Tom. Then it is a joke.
Because there is nobody in here named Tom.
Tom ? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago.
Tom.
Oh, that guy. That guy was weird.
- Alright, next suggestion. - Next suggestion.
Argh, badoo badoo.
"You need to do something about your B.O."
You need to do something about your B.O.
Now, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for.
But it's more of a personal suggestion,
And it's not an office suggestion.
And far be it from me to use this as a platform to embarass anybody.
Aren't the suggestions meant for you ?
Well, Toby.
If by me you are inferring that I have B.O.,
hen I would say that that is a very poor choice of words.
Micheal, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.
Was I, Creed ?
Okay, well, you know what I am implying,
is that when we're on an elevator together,
I should maybe take the stairs,
because talk about stank.
Not that I would ever say something like that in public,
and I never have, and I never will,
just think it's something that we should all be aware of.
okay ?
Now that we've learned this, let's continue.
See, this is good. We're learning, and we're figuring some stuff out.
"You need to do something about your coffee breath."
- You need to do something about - Shut up, shut up, shut up,
Okay, I don't think you people are grasping,
the concept of the suggestion box.
Sometimes you talk to us real close.
Yeah? Is that hard for you ?
Alright, well...
- Well, when you have coffee breath, it's hard - I'll work on that, okay.
Okay. Let's keep, let's keep going.
What do we have here ? We have..
Somebody's piece of gum.
Somebody put a piece of gum in there.
This is not a-a garbage can.
This is the future of our company.
This is not a place for gum, okay ?
I don't want to have to read these tomorrow...
Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday ?
Yeah. What ?
- Alright. Next suggestion. - Next suggestion.
"Don't sl-" Okay, that's blank.
"Don't sleep with your boss ?"
Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan ?
- I can't, I can't. Alright, please sit down - I don't understand why you're so upset.
I'm going to sit over here, you're going to sit over there.
Let me ask you this.
Please sit yourself down.
- Let me ask you something. - What, Michael ?
Where did you get your outfit ?
You’re going to give me this raise.
I deserve this raise.
Yes ! Yes ! Yes !
The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation !
Yes! Why are you going to give me this raise ?!
Why ?!
Because, I’m awesome !
I am awesome !
I just don't understand,
why you have to pretend like nothing happened.
Because nothing did Michael.
It, I'm not going to say anything more about it.
And I would advise that you do the same.
Look. Michael ?
- Oh my God. - I'm sorry, am I interrupting.
Oh God. Were you guys making out ?
No, Dwight. Come in.
- Great. - What do you want, Dwight ?
I am ready for my performance review.
Okay. Great. Your performance has been adaquate.
You may leave. Good-bye.
Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael ?
You want to talk now ? Good. Okay, Dwight, leave.
Oh, wait. I would like to discuss my raise.
Why on earth would we give you a raise ?
That is an excellent question.
Thank you for asking.
Let me bring up one word. Dedication.
I have never, been late.
Also,
I have never missed a day due to illness.
Even when I had walking pneumonia.
I even come in on holidays.
You do ? How do you get in ?
I have a copy of your key.
- That's a serious offense. - That is a serious offense.
Very serious.
As is toying with a man's heart.
Oh, Michael, for God sakes.
I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
Okay, third wheel, why don't you do that ?
For instance, the time brought in deer jerky for the whole office.
That was deer ? Gross.
- Oh, god, Did not - You liked it.
- Jan, have you ever had deer? - No
It's a delicacy. And, you know what, it's an aphrodisiac.
So when we're done here, you guys could go over to the Antler Lodge,
sample some deer, and talk about my raise.
What do you say Jan?
Okay. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to step outside,
collect my thoughts, and I will return in about 10 minutes.
- Okay, you just, clear your head. - Thank you Dwight.
I know it's your job. I know you have to ask.
but I promise you, I'm not going to discuss it with him.
I'm certainly not going to discuss it with you.
Do you have a light?
And in conclusion, I think Lex Luther said it best, when he said,
"Dad, you have no idea, what, I'm capable of."
- That's from Superman ? - Smallville.
And that, is why I feel, I deserve this raise.
Do you think Michael and Jan actually...
I don't really want to picture it, but thank you, Pam.
How do you come back from that ?
You don't
I don't think, come all the way back, you know?
Especially working together.
No, I mean, doing that with Michael.
How do you come back from that, as a human being ?
Oh, yeah. No. I don't think you can.
I'm heading back to New York.
Allan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow.
- Okay, good ? - Wait, wait, wait... No, no, no.
Come, I just, I just want to know why.
Michael, now is not the time or the place.
Okay. So you're saying that there is,
- a different or place... - No.
- that we can have this discssion. - I am saying...
We are never gonna have this conversation.
Well, okay. Never as in never, ever, ever ?
Or never as in there's no chance?
Never for me always means never, ever, ever.
From the horse's mouth,
- what is the deal-io ? - You know Michael.
- Am I too short ? - Michael !
It has nothing to do with your looks, okay ?
It's your, it's your personality.
I mean you're obnoxious, and rude.
And-and-and stupid.
And you do have coffee breath by the way.
And-and, I don't agree about the B.O.
But you are very, very, inconsiderate.
- Really ? - Really. You're-you're-you're...
- You're a great guy, okay ? - I appreciate that, thank you.
You were very sweet.
And you stayed up with me and talked to me,
and cried with me and I appreciate that.
No, i wasn't, I wasn't crying.
But I am just not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship.
So, we can still work together,
We can still be friends, but...
Okay ?
So my looks have nothing to do with it.
Jan is not in a place where she feels, she can have a relationship right now.
And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am.
And that is all I needed. I'm good.
I can go home now.
Hey !
It's 12:20. Where the hell is Dwight?
No idea.
Never missed a day my ass.
I'm here ! I'm here!
I'm here ! It's okay !