1 00:00:01,700 --> 00:00:02,568 Spit that out. 2 00:00:03,952 --> 00:00:06,779 Spit... Okay, come on. Let's go. 3 00:00:10,638 --> 00:00:12,368 You look cute today, Dwight. 4 00:00:13,459 --> 00:00:14,597 Thanks, girl. 5 00:00:17,823 --> 00:00:21,119 So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. 6 00:00:21,201 --> 00:00:23,461 Which is unfortunate, because, as it turns out, 7 00:00:23,508 --> 00:00:25,525 Dwight finding a drugs is more dangerous 8 00:00:25,549 --> 00:00:27,368 than most people using drugs. 9 00:00:27,426 --> 00:00:30,629 Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use. 10 00:00:30,687 --> 00:00:31,766 Shall we ? 11 00:00:31,872 --> 00:00:34,728 You tell me who this sounds like. 12 00:00:34,928 --> 00:00:36,793 Slow moving. 13 00:00:37,227 --> 00:00:38,963 Inattentive. 14 00:00:39,374 --> 00:00:40,411 Dull. 15 00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,397 Constantly snacking. 16 00:00:44,089 --> 00:00:46,998 Shows a lack of motivation. 17 00:00:51,397 --> 00:00:53,649 I like the people I work with, generally. 18 00:00:53,896 --> 00:00:55,442 With four exceptions. 19 00:00:55,911 --> 00:00:58,116 But someone committed a crime. 20 00:00:58,198 --> 00:00:59,934 And I did not become a Lackawanna County 21 00:00:59,970 --> 00:01:02,069 Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends. 22 00:01:03,195 --> 00:01:05,236 And by the way, I haven't. 23 00:01:30,546 --> 00:01:32,576 Episode 20 - Season 2 DRUG TESTING 24 00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:35,215 Script: Nikki (twiztv.com) Synchronisation: Catch-22 Team 25 00:01:35,285 --> 00:01:37,444 http://pmag.f2o.org/theofficeus/ www.forom.com 26 00:01:38,288 --> 00:01:40,705 I enjoy the tangy zip, 27 00:01:40,951 --> 00:01:42,394 of Miracle Whip. 28 00:01:43,579 --> 00:01:45,620 Jim does the best impressions. 29 00:01:45,737 --> 00:01:47,661 Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk 30 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,104 and he'll just be someone else. 31 00:01:49,432 --> 00:01:51,180 Like, he'll go... 32 00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:59,401 That's supposed to be Phyllis. 33 00:01:59,976 --> 00:02:01,595 I can't do it as good as he can. 34 00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:04,189 And the guys are saying, "Chug chug chug." 35 00:02:04,294 --> 00:02:06,124 But I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day 36 00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:08,775 was one of those Auntie Annes's pretzels from the food court. 37 00:02:08,857 --> 00:02:10,969 So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it ?" 38 00:02:11,094 --> 00:02:13,429 And they said no. But Ryan seemed cool either way. 39 00:02:13,487 --> 00:02:14,555 Stop! 40 00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:17,112 This is no Kelly Kapour story hour. 41 00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:21,628 Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay ? 42 00:02:21,936 --> 00:02:24,047 Your ass is on the line, Mister! 43 00:02:24,387 --> 00:02:25,889 My ass is on the line! 44 00:02:25,983 --> 00:02:27,437 Now, I'm going to ask you again. 45 00:02:27,906 --> 00:02:30,827 What time did you go home last night ? 46 00:02:31,613 --> 00:02:32,653 6:00. 47 00:02:39,715 --> 00:02:42,073 I didn't know you were at a party on Saturday night. 48 00:02:42,443 --> 00:02:44,766 I go to a lot of parties. 49 00:02:44,883 --> 00:02:47,346 Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys. 50 00:02:47,393 --> 00:02:49,059 I am not giving you my keys. 51 00:02:49,141 --> 00:02:50,760 Don't make me do this the hard way. 52 00:02:50,901 --> 00:02:52,027 What's the hard way ? 53 00:02:52,707 --> 00:02:55,073 I go down to the police station on my lunch break. 54 00:02:55,178 --> 00:02:56,504 I tell a police officer... 55 00:02:56,820 --> 00:02:57,888 I know several. 56 00:02:57,947 --> 00:02:59,835 What I may suspect you may have in your car. 57 00:02:59,882 --> 00:03:02,650 He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. 58 00:03:02,779 --> 00:03:05,450 Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here 59 00:03:05,567 --> 00:03:08,031 and make you give him the keys to your car. 60 00:03:08,218 --> 00:03:10,212 And you will have to obey him. 61 00:03:10,963 --> 00:03:12,148 Yeah, let's do it that way. 62 00:03:12,207 --> 00:03:13,869 Ryan, is he bugging you ? 63 00:03:14,233 --> 00:03:16,591 Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. 64 00:03:16,649 --> 00:03:19,582 It was one joint in the parking lot, you know ? 65 00:03:19,629 --> 00:03:22,984 You're...you're totally harshing the office mellow. 66 00:03:23,183 --> 00:03:25,142 I can't stop this investigation. It is my job. 67 00:03:25,599 --> 00:03:28,192 - You are a volunteer. - I volunteered for this job. 68 00:03:28,239 --> 00:03:29,224 And that's not the same. 69 00:03:29,271 --> 00:03:30,784 - It is my duty... - Volunteer duty. 70 00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:33,799 To investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go, 71 00:03:33,986 --> 00:03:36,408 and then I will reveal what I know. 72 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:37,792 Narc! 73 00:03:39,329 --> 00:03:40,995 If you are attempting to compliment me, 74 00:03:41,018 --> 00:03:42,461 then you have done a very good job. 75 00:03:42,496 --> 00:03:44,127 I wasn't attempting to compliment you. 76 00:03:44,150 --> 00:03:45,721 Well, you have. Because being a narc 77 00:03:45,780 --> 00:03:47,692 is one of the hardest jobs that you can have. 78 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,601 - And I am very proud of being a narc. - Why don't you just cool it ? 79 00:03:50,655 --> 00:03:53,051 Cool it, Dwight, please ? God. Dude, where's my office ? 80 00:03:53,086 --> 00:03:54,564 I totally lost it. 81 00:03:54,974 --> 00:03:56,710 'Cause I was half...baked! 82 00:03:56,839 --> 00:03:58,376 Smoking doobies! 83 00:03:58,751 --> 00:04:02,226 Doobie Brothers. I was smoking doobies with my brothers. 84 00:04:02,665 --> 00:04:04,671 Peace out Seacrest! 85 00:04:06,572 --> 00:04:08,155 Well, your office is behind you. 86 00:04:08,214 --> 00:04:09,281 Thanks. 87 00:04:09,525 --> 00:04:10,933 Munchies. 88 00:04:11,003 --> 00:04:12,516 Who wants some munchies ? 89 00:04:12,704 --> 00:04:14,757 I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. 90 00:04:15,942 --> 00:04:18,663 I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any. 91 00:04:19,214 --> 00:04:21,413 Oscar visited Mexico when he was five 92 00:04:21,449 --> 00:04:23,303 to attend his great grandmother's funeral. 93 00:04:23,725 --> 00:04:25,049 What does that mean 94 00:04:25,109 --> 00:04:27,138 to the United States law enforcement officer ? 95 00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:29,742 He'a a potential drug mule. 96 00:04:30,341 --> 00:04:32,396 Have you ever taken any illegal drugs ? 97 00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:33,498 No, I have not. 98 00:04:33,533 --> 00:04:35,152 Do you think it's possible that 99 00:04:35,199 --> 00:04:37,698 maybe you could have had some drugs in your system 100 00:04:37,733 --> 00:04:39,574 without you knowing about it ? 101 00:04:40,618 --> 00:04:42,116 What are you implying ? 102 00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:44,216 Have you ever... 103 00:04:45,166 --> 00:04:46,491 pooped... 104 00:04:47,148 --> 00:04:48,626 a balloon ? 105 00:04:50,961 --> 00:04:53,339 Okay, I'm done with this. 106 00:05:00,284 --> 00:05:01,433 He sure left in a hurry. 107 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:03,562 I don't want to blow this. 108 00:05:03,808 --> 00:05:06,459 This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. 109 00:05:06,543 --> 00:05:09,076 The chance to solve an actual crime. 110 00:05:10,801 --> 00:05:12,865 Do you know what this is ? 111 00:05:13,111 --> 00:05:14,531 Yes, it's marijuana. 112 00:05:14,742 --> 00:05:16,243 How do you know that ? 113 00:05:16,818 --> 00:05:17,817 It's labeled. 114 00:05:19,940 --> 00:05:20,972 Dammit. 115 00:05:22,579 --> 00:05:25,969 That, is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica. 116 00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:31,060 It's marijuana. 117 00:05:31,119 --> 00:05:33,594 I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you. 118 00:05:33,629 --> 00:05:35,576 That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me. 119 00:05:35,623 --> 00:05:37,617 Marijuana is a memory loss drug. 120 00:05:37,653 --> 00:05:39,025 So maybe you just don't remember. 121 00:05:39,043 --> 00:05:40,158 I would remember. 122 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,363 Well, how could you if it just erased your memory ? 123 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:45,184 - That's not how it works. - Now, how do you know how it works ? 124 00:05:45,342 --> 00:05:47,290 Knock it off, okay. Now I'm interviewing you. 125 00:05:47,344 --> 00:05:49,433 No, you said that I'd be conducting the interview 126 00:05:49,468 --> 00:05:50,371 when I walked in here. 127 00:05:50,406 --> 00:05:52,436 Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke ?! 128 00:05:53,832 --> 00:05:56,998 So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression. 129 00:05:57,031 --> 00:05:58,145 I'd love to hear it. 130 00:06:01,406 --> 00:06:05,796 Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me ? 131 00:06:08,581 --> 00:06:09,860 Is that supposed to be me ? 132 00:06:09,919 --> 00:06:10,939 Oh, hey, Stanley. 133 00:06:11,451 --> 00:06:12,800 I was just doing an impression. 134 00:06:12,858 --> 00:06:14,935 I do not think that is funny. 135 00:06:17,128 --> 00:06:18,677 He does everyone in the office. 136 00:06:25,399 --> 00:06:27,710 "I do not think that is funny." 137 00:06:27,992 --> 00:06:29,118 Jinx, buy me a coke. 138 00:06:29,528 --> 00:06:30,795 No no no. No talking. 139 00:06:34,891 --> 00:06:37,753 Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. 140 00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:40,956 Those are the rules of Jinx. And they are unflinchingly rigid. 141 00:06:49,251 --> 00:06:53,228 Sold out! That has never happened in the history of Jinx! 142 00:06:53,490 --> 00:06:54,616 "Come on." 143 00:06:54,940 --> 00:06:56,468 Sorry, that's not my problem. 144 00:07:05,441 --> 00:07:06,849 I know you're innocent. 145 00:07:06,895 --> 00:07:09,335 But I can't look like I'm treating you any differently. 146 00:07:09,758 --> 00:07:11,130 I understand. 147 00:07:12,303 --> 00:07:14,321 Where were you yesterday after work ? 148 00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:19,815 Who's he calling ? Rattin' somebody out. 149 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,117 Narc. 150 00:07:21,269 --> 00:07:22,348 Narc! 151 00:07:22,407 --> 00:07:24,823 - Kevin. - That is so good, Michael. 152 00:07:24,847 --> 00:07:25,879 Remember the narc bit ? 153 00:07:26,679 --> 00:07:28,028 Okay, I will let them know. 154 00:07:29,190 --> 00:07:30,949 - Attention everyone. - Who's in trouble ? 155 00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:34,984 Drug testers are coming in a couple hours to test everyone's urine. 156 00:07:36,635 --> 00:07:38,535 What ? What are you talking about ? 157 00:07:38,570 --> 00:07:40,870 Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises, 158 00:07:40,987 --> 00:07:44,682 there is automatic drug testing conducted within 24 hours. 159 00:07:45,128 --> 00:07:46,357 Is that true, Toby ? 160 00:07:46,744 --> 00:07:48,656 When you sign your job application 161 00:07:48,692 --> 00:07:51,026 you agree to comply with random drug testing. 162 00:07:53,982 --> 00:07:56,187 Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert... 163 00:07:56,258 --> 00:07:58,282 at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. 164 00:07:58,329 --> 00:07:59,948 I had scored these great aisle seats. 165 00:07:59,995 --> 00:08:01,707 Anyway, after the opening act, 166 00:08:01,742 --> 00:08:03,549 this beautiful girl sits down next to me. 167 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:05,684 And I never get to meet girls with lip rings. 168 00:08:05,707 --> 00:08:06,775 And she had one. 169 00:08:07,326 --> 00:08:09,051 I don't know exatcly how this happened, 170 00:08:09,145 --> 00:08:12,441 but one of her friends started passing around some stuff. 171 00:08:12,464 --> 00:08:14,282 And they said that it was clove cigarettes. 172 00:08:14,306 --> 00:08:16,312 And I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. 173 00:08:16,394 --> 00:08:18,095 Everybody in the aisle was doing it. 174 00:08:18,892 --> 00:08:20,475 Okay, attention, everyone. 175 00:08:20,651 --> 00:08:22,751 The drug testing has been cancelled. 176 00:08:23,009 --> 00:08:25,296 Instead I will be going around to each of you 177 00:08:25,648 --> 00:08:27,396 and doing a visual inspection. 178 00:08:27,443 --> 00:08:29,961 - No, you can't do that. - I can do that. It is my office. 179 00:08:30,102 --> 00:08:32,742 No, you cannot. It has to be official. 180 00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:34,982 And it has to be urine. 181 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,317 All right. 182 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:53,093 Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking besides Rogaine ? 183 00:08:54,137 --> 00:08:55,791 I'm not taking Rogaine. 184 00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:57,762 Angela, what about you ? 185 00:08:57,915 --> 00:08:59,827 I don't take any prescription drugs. 186 00:09:00,178 --> 00:09:02,829 You're not... on... anything ? 187 00:09:05,856 --> 00:09:06,888 Good. 188 00:09:10,231 --> 00:09:11,951 So, the first time we went out to dinner, 189 00:09:11,987 --> 00:09:13,336 it was like, whatever, fine. 190 00:09:13,418 --> 00:09:14,920 But I was so nervous. 191 00:09:15,178 --> 00:09:17,430 So this time I want it to be special. 192 00:09:17,535 --> 00:09:18,826 So, I bought a new dress! 193 00:09:18,873 --> 00:09:21,037 One of those kinds that's kind of low cut at the top 194 00:09:21,072 --> 00:09:22,820 to show some things, but not everything. 195 00:09:22,984 --> 00:09:25,043 I mean, not everything, Jim. I promise, 196 00:09:25,113 --> 00:09:27,271 - I'm not a... - Hey guys, what's going on ? 197 00:09:27,342 --> 00:09:29,547 Oh, we're just having the best conversation. 198 00:09:30,085 --> 00:09:32,994 Okay, well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. 199 00:09:33,886 --> 00:09:35,862 But you know what ? We have a few minutes. 200 00:09:35,897 --> 00:09:38,555 So you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. 201 00:09:38,630 --> 00:09:39,874 Cool, thanks. 202 00:09:41,952 --> 00:09:44,990 So, I was looking so hot... 203 00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:47,242 It has come to my attention, 204 00:09:47,981 --> 00:09:52,138 that some people here think the use of drugs 205 00:09:52,771 --> 00:09:54,496 is something to laugh about. 206 00:09:54,543 --> 00:09:56,736 - We don't feel that way. - No, not at all. 207 00:09:56,795 --> 00:09:59,094 You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc. 208 00:10:01,029 --> 00:10:03,368 That was a test. I was testing you. 209 00:10:03,583 --> 00:10:05,225 And you all failed. 210 00:10:06,292 --> 00:10:07,501 Miserably. 211 00:10:07,594 --> 00:10:11,440 When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him ? 212 00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:14,044 How many of you said, "Hey, you know what ? He's right." 213 00:10:14,091 --> 00:10:18,430 "What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs" ? 214 00:10:18,521 --> 00:10:19,730 Thank you, Michael. 215 00:10:19,777 --> 00:10:21,407 I am ridiculously anti-drug. 216 00:10:21,501 --> 00:10:24,891 I am so anti-drug that I am above suspicion 217 00:10:24,926 --> 00:10:27,002 in any way that involves suspicion... 218 00:10:27,390 --> 00:10:29,548 or testing of any kind. 219 00:10:29,841 --> 00:10:32,316 Drugs ruin lives, people. 220 00:10:32,504 --> 00:10:35,307 Drugs destroy careers. 221 00:10:35,941 --> 00:10:36,883 Take Cheech and Chong. 222 00:10:36,906 --> 00:10:39,698 Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. 223 00:10:39,745 --> 00:10:42,818 But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. 224 00:10:44,085 --> 00:10:46,208 I want everybody to take a look to their left. 225 00:10:47,671 --> 00:10:50,041 Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. 226 00:10:51,261 --> 00:10:54,404 One of those people will be dead 227 00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:57,935 from drug use at some point in their lives. 228 00:10:58,944 --> 00:11:02,005 This year, more people will use cocaine 229 00:11:02,100 --> 00:11:04,270 than will read a book to their children. 230 00:11:04,575 --> 00:11:05,994 Where did you get these facts ? 231 00:11:06,064 --> 00:11:08,446 Are these facts scaring you ? Or are they not ? 232 00:11:08,528 --> 00:11:09,536 They are not. 233 00:11:09,595 --> 00:11:12,752 Do you think that smoking drugs is cool ? 234 00:11:12,904 --> 00:11:15,356 Do you think that doing alcohol is cool ? 235 00:11:15,473 --> 00:11:17,936 No, I don't. I have about a glass of red wine 236 00:11:17,995 --> 00:11:19,426 with dinner about once a week. 237 00:11:19,895 --> 00:11:21,221 For the antioxidants. 238 00:11:21,561 --> 00:11:23,403 Okay, enough. Enough. Enough! 239 00:11:23,860 --> 00:11:28,599 I have written down a list of illegal drugs. 240 00:11:29,338 --> 00:11:32,142 Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with ? 241 00:11:32,576 --> 00:11:34,781 Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael. 242 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,764 - Yes, it is. - No, it's not. 243 00:11:37,245 --> 00:11:38,441 It's a type of pipe. 244 00:11:39,168 --> 00:11:42,382 You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or flavored... 245 00:11:42,429 --> 00:11:44,142 Okay, you know what, Toby ? 246 00:11:44,447 --> 00:11:45,772 Pam, could you take this down ? 247 00:11:45,831 --> 00:11:48,517 In addition to Toby's urine being tested, 248 00:11:48,564 --> 00:11:50,464 I would like to test his blood and his hair. 249 00:11:50,629 --> 00:11:53,714 - You can't do that. - I can test anyone randomly. 250 00:11:53,772 --> 00:11:55,720 And I have chosen you, randomly. 251 00:11:55,846 --> 00:11:58,110 - That's not random. - Okay. Eenie, meanie, miney... 252 00:11:58,157 --> 00:11:59,670 moe. Is random. 253 00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:01,793 Okay, you know what ? 254 00:12:01,817 --> 00:12:04,527 I'm gonna need a volunteer to select one of these words. 255 00:12:04,785 --> 00:12:08,210 And tell us of something... tragic 256 00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:11,870 that happened in either their lives or the lives of a loved one. 257 00:12:13,582 --> 00:12:14,626 Yeah, Pam. 258 00:12:15,436 --> 00:12:19,358 I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his 259 00:12:19,580 --> 00:12:21,657 who got caught up in the world of drugs. 260 00:12:21,715 --> 00:12:22,935 Really ? 261 00:12:23,663 --> 00:12:25,317 Jim, it's okay. You can... 262 00:12:27,475 --> 00:12:29,564 This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. 263 00:12:29,963 --> 00:12:33,048 These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. 264 00:12:33,364 --> 00:12:36,039 It's okay. Just... we will not judge you. 265 00:12:36,461 --> 00:12:38,021 We are here to not judge you. 266 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,370 Oh, he's doing it, okay. 267 00:12:45,744 --> 00:12:46,788 It's okay. 268 00:12:55,714 --> 00:12:56,536 "I can't." 269 00:13:01,752 --> 00:13:02,842 Okay, you sure ? 270 00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:05,142 That looked like it was going to be good. 271 00:13:06,303 --> 00:13:07,335 All right. 272 00:13:07,488 --> 00:13:08,567 Okay, well... 273 00:13:10,221 --> 00:13:12,693 He really pulled out the big guns. 274 00:13:12,963 --> 00:13:14,171 Fake crying. 275 00:13:15,250 --> 00:13:16,564 Did not expect that. 276 00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:22,426 The point I'm trying to make with all of this, people, 277 00:13:22,496 --> 00:13:26,062 is that I hate drugs. I hate them. 278 00:13:27,024 --> 00:13:29,278 And based upon what I have seen, 279 00:13:29,325 --> 00:13:32,187 you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do. 280 00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:36,339 So you are going to have a drug test. And I am not. 281 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:39,096 - No, you will be tested. - Yes, I... no, will not be. 282 00:13:39,249 --> 00:13:42,024 You will be. That is the law according to the rules. 283 00:13:42,411 --> 00:13:45,895 Okay. Well, Dwight, just know... that I've been very busy today. 284 00:13:46,646 --> 00:13:48,277 And I've got a lot of work to do. 285 00:13:48,312 --> 00:13:50,318 And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom. 286 00:13:50,365 --> 00:13:52,898 And I don't even know if anything's gonna come out, okay ? 287 00:13:52,969 --> 00:13:54,389 So, good. Thank you. 288 00:13:57,145 --> 00:14:00,031 Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager. 289 00:14:01,181 --> 00:14:03,393 You might remember testing my urine a few years back 290 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,821 when I was applying to be a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. 291 00:14:06,115 --> 00:14:08,085 We test a lot of urine. 292 00:14:08,308 --> 00:14:09,657 Mine was green. 293 00:14:10,807 --> 00:14:12,172 Oh, right. 294 00:14:13,110 --> 00:14:14,893 - How are you ? - I'm all better. 295 00:14:14,987 --> 00:14:17,439 So, I need you to do some work on the St. Andrew's account. 296 00:14:17,486 --> 00:14:18,752 I need your urine. 297 00:14:18,881 --> 00:14:20,512 I need some filing done... 298 00:14:20,559 --> 00:14:22,178 - What kind of filing ? - That just... 299 00:14:22,389 --> 00:14:23,986 forget it. Just the urine. 300 00:14:24,044 --> 00:14:26,519 That goes directly to the tester. 301 00:14:26,883 --> 00:14:27,950 Just... 302 00:14:34,060 --> 00:14:35,455 I need your urine. 303 00:14:38,681 --> 00:14:40,804 - Like in a cup ? - Yes, in a cup. 304 00:14:40,887 --> 00:14:43,115 - We're not animals, Dwight. - For what purpose ? 305 00:14:43,878 --> 00:14:45,062 It's none of your business. 306 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,431 - Then I refuse. - Okay, all right. Just... 307 00:14:48,076 --> 00:14:50,117 I went to an Alicia Keys concert. 308 00:14:50,927 --> 00:14:52,287 Over the weekend. 309 00:14:53,789 --> 00:14:56,119 And I think that I may have gotten high 310 00:14:56,167 --> 00:14:59,764 accidentally by a girl with a lip ring. 311 00:15:00,798 --> 00:15:02,276 Are you serious ? 312 00:15:05,814 --> 00:15:09,838 I need clean urine for the lady. 313 00:15:14,050 --> 00:15:15,387 But that's illegal. 314 00:15:15,563 --> 00:15:17,686 Don't think of it that way. It's like... 315 00:15:18,707 --> 00:15:20,795 urine goes all over the place, you know ? 316 00:15:20,842 --> 00:15:22,648 There's no controlling it. It just... 317 00:15:22,941 --> 00:15:23,864 Not my urine. 318 00:15:23,899 --> 00:15:25,858 A cup could find its way under the urine. 319 00:15:25,893 --> 00:15:26,973 It might be an accident. 320 00:15:27,841 --> 00:15:29,735 Were you forced to do drugs at this concert ? 321 00:15:29,770 --> 00:15:31,148 - Just... - Is something wrong ? 322 00:15:31,171 --> 00:15:32,262 Just... look, just... 323 00:15:35,262 --> 00:15:37,550 just fill up the cup. 324 00:15:42,939 --> 00:15:45,273 Do you want to give Michael your urine ? 325 00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:50,071 I want him to have all the urine he needs. 326 00:15:50,903 --> 00:15:52,710 You're not gonna get my permission on this. 327 00:15:52,780 --> 00:15:54,830 I know that. Don't you think I know that ? 328 00:15:57,973 --> 00:16:00,542 Yeah, we do testing all over the country. 329 00:16:00,789 --> 00:16:01,903 Cool. 330 00:16:02,282 --> 00:16:03,760 Hey, are you guys hiring ? 331 00:16:04,323 --> 00:16:06,822 You wanna work at the urinalysis lab ? 332 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,578 Yeah, maybe. 333 00:16:16,497 --> 00:16:18,772 My father's name was Dwight Schrute. 334 00:16:19,382 --> 00:16:23,030 My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. 335 00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:26,494 His father's name ? 336 00:16:26,599 --> 00:16:28,945 Dwiged Schrued. 337 00:16:30,001 --> 00:16:31,327 Amish. 338 00:16:37,183 --> 00:16:38,978 I loved my father very much. 339 00:16:39,518 --> 00:16:43,588 Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. 340 00:16:44,163 --> 00:16:47,210 When I was little, my dad and I played a lot of games together. 341 00:16:47,327 --> 00:16:50,002 My dad cheated a lot, but I never busted him on it. 342 00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,981 I would have, except I didn't know about it. 343 00:16:53,051 --> 00:16:56,136 He didn't tell me 'til years later. I was shocked when I found out. 344 00:16:59,211 --> 00:17:00,314 What ? 345 00:17:01,299 --> 00:17:02,777 Did you wanna tell me something ? 346 00:17:02,824 --> 00:17:04,947 You look like you wanna tell me something. 347 00:17:05,322 --> 00:17:07,923 You look like you have something really important to say 348 00:17:07,958 --> 00:17:09,788 and you just can't for some reason. 349 00:17:11,923 --> 00:17:13,623 Come on, you can tell me. 350 00:17:14,398 --> 00:17:16,604 Jim, you can tell me anything. 351 00:17:53,552 --> 00:17:55,147 I'd like a magazine. 352 00:17:55,312 --> 00:17:57,013 We just need urine, sir. 353 00:17:57,071 --> 00:17:58,197 I'd still like one. 354 00:17:59,892 --> 00:18:01,053 Dwight. 355 00:18:01,241 --> 00:18:04,241 Well, I passed the test, 356 00:18:04,276 --> 00:18:06,926 thanks to you and your untainted pee. 357 00:18:07,197 --> 00:18:08,593 Thank you very much. 358 00:18:08,663 --> 00:18:10,528 - That's great. - What's wrong ? 359 00:18:11,467 --> 00:18:13,813 - Where's your costume ? - It's a uniform. 360 00:18:14,322 --> 00:18:16,873 And I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation. 361 00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:18,140 Why ? What... 362 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,767 I took an oath when I was sworn in. 363 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,338 And I broke that oath today. 364 00:18:42,218 --> 00:18:43,332 Here. 365 00:18:44,681 --> 00:18:45,854 Just buy it from me. 366 00:18:47,602 --> 00:18:50,037 I haven't talked to you in hours, and it's been weird. 367 00:18:50,154 --> 00:18:52,969 And I really wanna know what the hell's going on with Dwight. 368 00:19:07,148 --> 00:19:08,438 - Hi. - Hey. 369 00:19:08,801 --> 00:19:10,737 How much time do you have left on your break ? 370 00:19:10,772 --> 00:19:11,945 10 minutes. 371 00:19:14,492 --> 00:19:18,093 Since you did such a good job with the investigation 372 00:19:18,644 --> 00:19:22,106 I decided to pull a few strings, call in a few favors. 373 00:19:22,599 --> 00:19:24,029 And I've decided to make you 374 00:19:24,089 --> 00:19:26,564 Official Security Supervisor of the branch. 375 00:19:28,593 --> 00:19:29,766 - Really ? - Yes, sir. 376 00:19:29,872 --> 00:19:31,651 That's fantastic. 'Cause I've always felt 377 00:19:31,698 --> 00:19:32,989 that the security here sucked. 378 00:19:34,842 --> 00:19:36,015 So, you wanna... 379 00:19:39,273 --> 00:19:40,468 "Dwight K. Schrute, 380 00:19:40,891 --> 00:19:43,541 I hereby declare you an honorary volunteer corporal 381 00:19:43,589 --> 00:19:46,358 in charge of assisting all activity security." 382 00:19:48,267 --> 00:19:50,167 - Good, okay. - Here's your badge. 383 00:19:51,645 --> 00:19:52,956 Thank you, Michael. 384 00:19:53,695 --> 00:19:57,015 Very nice. Great. Can I have a gun ? 385 00:19:57,719 --> 00:19:59,197 No. I don't have a gun. 386 00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:02,892 Okay. I'll have to bring my bo staff. 387 00:20:03,729 --> 00:20:04,878 I don't think so. 388 00:20:05,218 --> 00:20:06,274 Don't. 389 00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:08,575 - Good. - Thank you, Michael. 390 00:20:13,113 --> 00:20:14,856 I need to go over some details with you. 391 00:20:14,903 --> 00:20:16,252 - All right... - First of all... 392 00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:17,331 Thank you. 393 00:20:18,105 --> 00:20:20,217 How many orange traffic cones do you have ? 394 00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:23,607 - Two. - Oh... God. 395 00:20:24,696 --> 00:20:27,535 What a terrible day to not be able to talk. 396 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,764 Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine 397 00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,676 and dressed like one of the Village People. 398 00:20:31,723 --> 00:20:33,998 Why does he do the things that he does for Michael ? 399 00:20:34,045 --> 00:20:35,289 I just don't get it. 400 00:20:35,347 --> 00:20:38,205 What is he getting out of that relationship ?