For God's sake.
"Planking" is a very stupid and dangerous trend.
Basically you lie like a plank in weird places.
That's it.
Sometimes you get run over.
Welcome to the Internet.
Planking is one of those things where...
you either get it or you don't.
And I don't.
But I am so excited to be a part of it.
- After you, my good sir. - I insist.
The search committee finally decided after a lot of deliberation
on Robert California for the manager position.
Who took one look around
and left.
He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo
to make him CEO.
CEO...
Her own job.
He talked her out of her own job, I don't know how someone does that.
But, anyway, then the position was his to fill
and he chose...
It's unbelievable.
True, I may have been the second choice,
but I was the first choice's first choice.
About Dwight, I sensed he might have some resentment
about not getting the job.
So I sat him down to talk. And I told him:
"I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer."
- Smart, right? - Very smart.
- This has got to stop. - I can't get down.
At first I was really disappointed.
But I've got a great daily routine going right now.
I've upped my karate to eight times a week.
Added boxing, lunches and weekend, kickboxing three times a week,
krav maga four times,
an hour of meditation every morning at sunrise,
and again at sunset.
So yeah...
I'm doing great.
Gonna need some help.
I don't think I should.
Yeah, pregnant.
Right here. Little Michael Scott.
I told you I don't like that joke.
It is a boy, we found out early.
Much different the second time around.
And I have to say, it is nice
not being the only pregnant woman in the office.
Look! It's little pregs and big pregs.
When did we start...
Isn't it amazing, the difference in our sizes?
I am a few months ahead of you.
I'm having a child with my husband the senator,
and Pam is having a child with Jim...
The great salesman.
Hoist him aloft!
- Come on, Darryl! Lift! - I'm lifting.
I wanted the manager job, but I got something much better.
This soda.
This is mine.
It might be easier if you take a deep breath,
lift from the knees,
and shove it up your butt.
I came up with a new thing this summer.
I act like I'm telling someone how to do something.
I go on with a long description
and then I say,
"and shove it up your butt!"
It's stupid, but it's my thing now.
No one should be planking at all.
Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this?
Say no more.
Kids, don't try planking.
It's dangerous.
Especially with me around.
- Feygnasse Team -
.:: La Fabrique ::.
JoJo - NaNael - BrJk
Collioure
yomoy - Vince27
The Ni.Knight
8x01: The List
Watching that commercial again?
Why do you keep watching it if it's gonna make you cry?
Cause everything makes me cry, so what's the difference?
And this dog,
he just wants to protect his bone.
He's got a bank vault, that's a start.
- Not enough, though. - All right.
The new CEO works out of conference room half the time.
But whenever he takes a break,
he does weird walks in the office.
You never know who he's going to zero in on
for these really intense small talks.
You just hope it's not you.
And yet you hope it is you too.
It's strange.
Here we go.
Robert California. Let's have a conversation.
Describe your day so far.
Well, I woke up, and...
Never say you woke up, it's a waste of your time.
That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man.
Very smart.
Suddenly...
I was awake.
And I have a new thing...
We have that 9:30 a.m. casual chitchat scheduled.
I emailed you about it last night to confirm.
And again this morning.
First item...
Can I get everyone a long Columbus day weekend?
Item number two: Connect with the guy.
Robert California... What does he think of me?
Don't know. Super care.
Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.
Can I call you right back?
Thank you very much.
What is this?
The Friday before Columbus day... Thoughts?
- What are your thoughts? - Just making chitchat.
Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?
What are you looking at?
It's nothing.
- Can't be nothing. - Yeah, it can't.
It's just a list of our names split into two columns.
What?
Just wait one second, all right? I will copy it.
Do you have a pen?
I'll take a photo of it. Dwight, can you throw me my phone?
Nice catch.
If he comes out, distract him.
We need a warning signal.
- We don't need it, I can see him. - We do!
- I promise you, we don't need... - Warning! Warning!
You okay?
Here, watch your neck.
You okay?
Thanks, guys.
What side of the list am I on?
Left.
Why are you... How do you know...
Really great list of names, guys.
Thank you so much. Good work.
No, actually, that was in Robert's notebook.
He left it at reception, we photocopied it.
I don't want any part of this.
Maybe it's a list of people he's going to fire.
Okay, it's not that, Pam.
I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make.
This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats.
This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts.
Here's something.
Who would eat who in an Alive situation.
No. That can't be it.
I got to say, kind of seems like the left side's the side to be on.
Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense, Pam.
- I don't think so. - Excuse me?
Come on. Don't be such a right-sider.
- Did you figure it out? - We couldn't crack it.
Go in there and just ask the man what it means.
He'll know that we looked at his private notebook.
Come on, just say you saw the list by accident.
I'm already working on this Columbus day thing.
And it's starting to stack up. Feels like a lot, one thing at a time.
That's all you had to do today, is ask about Columbus day?
Yes, for God's sake, Andy, come in.
What's up?
Weird thing...
Totally awkward.
But you left your notebook on the reception desk...
Great. Thank you.
And...
It was open...
And people saw this,
they're just kind of going nuts, and like...
wondering what it is.
It's a photocopy from your notebook.
You read my notebook, and photocopied it, and distributed it.
They did, and they asked me to ask about it.
Please.
Here's what it is. It's a doodle.
What?
Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run.
They draw houses, penises...
Funny how the houses are always colonials,
and the penises always circumcised,
don't you think?
I doodle too, but I'm not an artist, so I draw words and lists.
That is...
fascinating.
And by the way, I am so glad I asked.
People were just sort of... Did you just move my name?
Might as well have been sketching a cube.
Robert's in the. Everybody think, quick.
- What do these groups have in common? - Maybe do it with people in our group.
- That's not it. - People in the other group?
Still wrong.
You do puzzles all day. What do we got?
Take the first letter from each name,
assign it a number, add 'em all up,
and shove it up your butt!
Thank you. A little much-needed comic relief.
But we really need to figure this out.
I know!
It's alphabetical.
No, it's not.
Here's how we find out. Let's line up and compare the line,
see if we learn anything.
Left-siders over here.
Right-siders, over here. Face each other.
Match up by height and relative weight.
Let's just size each other up here,
and left side of the list...
- Attack! - Wait.
Will you stop?
Dwight! Go for it!
What are you doing?
Warning! Warning!
I'd like to invite the following people
to join me for lunch.
That's great! Let's do this!
All right.
I will see you in a bit.
I love you so much.
It's nothing, all right?
Text you when we get there and let you know what's going on.
No dog video.
See you guys.
We should all be really excited about our...
very own pizza party.
Pizza party!
Jim, your daughter Cecilia... What does she think of the street?
- The street? - Sesame Street.
I didn't know anybody called...
She likes it a lot. She loves Elmo.
Elmo. God save us... The Elmo era.
Sesame Street was created
to reflect the environment of the children.
The complete self-absorption of Elmo
is brilliantly reflective of our time.
Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree?
She does like Elmo.
"Cultural ghetto"?
Totally agree.
Completely.
Apt analysis, Robert.
The thing that I like about Elmo
is the tickling.
I should not be here.
I'm in the... I was in the wrong...
I'm sorry.
Just picture me back there. I was never here.
- Great group! Pizza party! - How is this a pizza party?
Why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here?
That's just pizza. You need an other element to be a party.
- You ever had Margarita pizza? - What's that?
Fresh tomato,
with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.
- That's pizza. - That's regular pizza.
I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question.
What made you pick this group?
I just think you guys are winners, and I wanted to have lunch with you.
What about the other guys?
- Losers? - Come on.
Come on, come on.
I think they're losers.
I knew it.
Probably shouldn't have said that.
Their interpretation of Margarita pizza.
Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.
Text from Jim.
"This is getting very weird. Will explain later."
- Text from Kevin. - "Suck it, losers."
Now it's the point at clearing the obvious,
but doesn't the fact that I'm in this group
make anyone feel a little bit better?
This crust is sharp!
I used to be young and cute
and sort of funny, and...
I could do those cute, little cartoons.
And everyone who came through here was like:
"Who's that receptionist? I like her."
Now I'm just a fat mom.
And you take one look at me and you're like: "oh, loser".
Come here.
Chins up.
Bad joke.
Look around this room.
Does this look like a group of losers?
We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza.
We hung out and got to know each other better.
How was yours?
- It was excellent. - Good times.
- Yeah? - We did.
It was the best time. And you know what?
Now It's over. Back to work everyone.
You too, Andy.
I knew it.
I just knew, my whole life,
that everyone was wrong about me...
My parents, my teachers,
my friends, the doctors...
everyone.
That was certainly an odd lunch.
Is everything all right?
I'm fine.
- Just take the casserole out... - Loser.
of the fridge and put it in the oven.
It'll be fine. Just leave it in for 20 minutes.
- Loser. - Losers.
When I was a salesman, I could be like, "not my job, not my prob.
"I'm going to the warehouse to Polish my knob."
Metaphorically, of course.
But now...
It is my job, and my prob.
Can you come out here please? It's really important.
Just want to clarify something.
Some people
are under the misconception
that some people
may be considered, let's say top-tier,
and others would be...
- Second-tier. - I never said that.
Thank you. Great.
I said "winners" and "losers." Is that what you're talking about?
That might... that actually might be...
What I'm thinking of.
- Can you clarify that? - Let me tell you some things
I find productive.
Positive reinforcement,
negative reinforcement,
honesty.
I'll tell you some things I find unproductive.
Constantly worrying about where you stand
based on inscrutable social clues,
and then inevitably reframing it all
in a reassuring way so that you can sleep at night.
No, I do not believe in that at all.
If I invited you to lunch, I think you're a winner.
If I didn't, I don't. But I just met you all.
Life is long. Opinions change.
Winners, prove me right.
Losers, prove me wrong.
Well, I guess that's that.
- Don't go in there! - I'm going in there.
I know that every time I talk to you,
things just seem to get worse.
But, you don't know these people and I do.
And if I let you work with faulty information,
well then I'm not doing my job as regional manager.
So...
Please take this pen and change your list.
I'm not going to change my list,
and I don't use ballpoint pens.
Well, then I will make a new list for you.
You may think he's a lazy grump,
but did you know that he has the most consistently high
sales numbers of anyone here?
You may think he's hard to love, but did you know
that he's in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?
I did not know about the sales figures.
Meredith Palmer, supplier relations...
The word "no," not even in her vocabulary.
To show you that I'm being fair, you had Gabe
in the loser column. I think that is...
Astute. Good call.
Easily the most creative and kind person
I have ever worked with.
Shut the door. This is gross.
The receptionist and my closest confidante...
a winner if there ever was one.
I like my new group.
I liked my old group.
- Are we done? - Yes. No.
The Friday before Columbus day we'll take a half-day
so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.
You want a 3 1/2 day weekend for Columbus day.
Yes, I do.
And you are aware that Columbus and his legions
committed genocide against an entire civilization
of native Americans.
I don't care.
Hey, guys!
So Columbus day... We got that half-day on Friday.
We get that every year.
You got it this year too.
- Good night, Andy. - Good night.
Good night, Andy.
- Good night. - Good night.
I'm going to go warm up the car.
You dropped something!
Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but...
that's just pretty killer, right?
I mean, maybe it's stupid.
It's wonderful.
I'm gonna frame it.
I can always unframe.