1
00:00:13,478 --> 00:00:16,932
What the hell?
No, this is not happening.
2
00:00:17,052 --> 00:00:19,087
Didn't you get the memo?
It's Stairmageddon.
3
00:00:19,121 --> 00:00:20,822
[Claps] Come on, Stanley!
4
00:00:20,856 --> 00:00:23,825
Dwight is having maintenance
done on the elevator today,
5
00:00:23,859 --> 00:00:25,193
and he was really on top of it.
6
00:00:25,227 --> 00:00:26,361
Weeks ago, he started
7
00:00:26,395 --> 00:00:28,429
the Stairmageddon
awareness campaign.
8
00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:32,317
The idea was to get us prepared,
both mentally and physically,
9
00:00:32,368 --> 00:00:36,187
for a day that hopefully
comes once in 100 years.
10
00:00:36,222 --> 00:00:38,523
It's a "mageddon!"
11
00:00:38,574 --> 00:00:41,042
Come on!
Come on, Stanley.
12
00:00:41,076 --> 00:00:42,243
Stay in it!
[Growls]
13
00:00:42,261 --> 00:00:45,697
I put 17 damn years
into this company,
14
00:00:45,731 --> 00:00:48,466
and now they're making me
climb stair mountain!
15
00:00:48,501 --> 00:00:49,751
Come on!
16
00:00:49,785 --> 00:00:52,003
Our office has
an unusually large number
17
00:00:52,037 --> 00:00:54,172
of unusually large people.
18
00:00:54,206 --> 00:00:57,408
- This is an abomination.
- Come on.
19
00:00:57,443 --> 00:01:00,912
So when something as routine
as elevator maintenance happens,
20
00:01:00,946 --> 00:01:04,098
and people are forced to expend
cardiovascular effort,
21
00:01:04,133 --> 00:01:06,851
we have to compare it
to the end of time.
22
00:01:06,886 --> 00:01:09,871
[Cheerful music]
23
00:01:09,905 --> 00:01:16,594
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
24
00:01:16,629 --> 00:01:18,930
[Muffled]
Red alert! Red alert!
25
00:01:18,964 --> 00:01:21,900
The reviews are in!
I repeat, the reviews are in.
26
00:01:21,951 --> 00:01:23,351
What?
27
00:01:23,369 --> 00:01:24,335
I just got a text
from my brother.
28
00:01:24,370 --> 00:01:25,786
Scrantontimestribune.com.
29
00:01:25,804 --> 00:01:26,838
There's a review
of the documentary.
30
00:01:26,889 --> 00:01:28,022
[Gasps] What does it say?
31
00:01:28,057 --> 00:01:29,423
I don't know, Phyllis.
32
00:01:29,441 --> 00:01:31,776
I just got the text and started
screaming, "Red alert."
33
00:01:31,810 --> 00:01:33,161
Well, the alert
was already set to "red"
34
00:01:33,195 --> 00:01:34,712
because of Stairmageddon.
35
00:01:34,747 --> 00:01:36,097
You think I should
set it to "double red"?
36
00:01:36,131 --> 00:01:39,400
I think we should.
37
00:01:39,434 --> 00:01:40,919
[Groans]
38
00:01:40,953 --> 00:01:42,804
"The Office:
An American workplace
39
00:01:42,838 --> 00:01:45,590
"airing on PBS next month
is a documentary following
40
00:01:45,641 --> 00:01:47,358
the employees of Scranton's own
Dunder Mifflin paper company!"
41
00:01:47,393 --> 00:01:50,811
Whoo!
[Applause]
42
00:01:50,829 --> 00:01:53,114
"In this series,
which will air starting in May,
43
00:01:53,148 --> 00:01:55,616
"we get an in-depth look
44
00:01:55,634 --> 00:01:58,169
"at many interesting
local people.
45
00:01:58,220 --> 00:02:01,856
"There's Kevin Malone,
the Falstaffian accountant.
46
00:02:01,890 --> 00:02:04,709
"Dwight Schrute,
the head salesman
47
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:08,229
forever chasing a manager
position he will never get."
48
00:02:08,263 --> 00:02:11,165
What does Josh McAuliffe
know about the paper business?
49
00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:13,101
He works for a news...
50
00:02:13,135 --> 00:02:14,502
thing.
51
00:02:14,536 --> 00:02:18,823
"Andy Bernard,
the rudderless trust fund
52
00:02:18,857 --> 00:02:20,792
"child-slash-middle manager,
53
00:02:20,826 --> 00:02:22,560
"whose incompetence
is emblematic
54
00:02:22,611 --> 00:02:24,462
of a declining
American economy."
55
00:02:24,496 --> 00:02:26,965
Ouch.
Sorry, Andy, that's--
56
00:02:26,999 --> 00:02:29,801
It's okay. [Chuckles]
The hell does he know?
57
00:02:29,852 --> 00:02:32,937
"A possible explanation
for his lack of career focus
58
00:02:32,972 --> 00:02:36,040
is his surprising
musical talent."
59
00:02:36,091 --> 00:02:37,175
I want you
to print that out for me.
60
00:02:37,209 --> 00:02:38,409
I will.
61
00:02:38,444 --> 00:02:40,845
Now that this documentary
is coming out,
62
00:02:40,879 --> 00:02:43,047
my days at Dunder Mifflin
are probably limited.
63
00:02:43,082 --> 00:02:45,416
And you know what? Good.
64
00:02:45,451 --> 00:02:48,403
Because this is not what
I wanted to do with my life.
65
00:02:48,437 --> 00:02:51,306
I wanted to be
my generation's Lisa Loeb.
66
00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:52,724
"Though it mostly focuses
67
00:02:52,758 --> 00:02:54,826
"on the daily realities
of office life,
68
00:02:54,860 --> 00:02:56,744
"a lurid subplot reveals
69
00:02:56,778 --> 00:02:58,763
"the hypocrisy
of a local public figure
70
00:02:58,797 --> 00:03:02,283
embroiled in a gay affair
while preaching family values."
71
00:03:02,318 --> 00:03:05,036
Oh.
Which public figure?
72
00:03:05,070 --> 00:03:07,922
I bet it's Katie Couric.
I've been saying this for years.
73
00:03:07,957 --> 00:03:09,590
No, I think they mean
74
00:03:09,608 --> 00:03:14,362
more like a politician.
75
00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:16,948
[Stanley grunting, wheezing]
76
00:03:16,982 --> 00:03:19,267
You own the building.
77
00:03:19,301 --> 00:03:21,686
Why can't you fix the elevator
in the middle of the night?
78
00:03:21,737 --> 00:03:24,288
Who do I look like,
Jackie Joyner-Kersee?
79
00:03:24,323 --> 00:03:27,508
Well, I did say
it would be an inconvenience.
80
00:03:27,543 --> 00:03:29,243
You should've called me
from downstairs.
81
00:03:29,261 --> 00:03:30,421
We could've met in the lobby.
82
00:03:30,429 --> 00:03:31,629
It's time to go out on a sale!
83
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,431
- Here we go.
- Son, you've lost your mind.
84
00:03:33,465 --> 00:03:36,217
I'm not going anywhere
until you fix my elevator.
85
00:03:36,251 --> 00:03:38,019
The buyer
is your sister's friend.
86
00:03:38,053 --> 00:03:39,320
This is the printing paper
87
00:03:39,355 --> 00:03:41,956
for the entire school district
of Lackawanna.
88
00:03:41,991 --> 00:03:44,509
You are coming,
and that's an order.
89
00:03:44,543 --> 00:03:46,678
You are not my damn boss
and you never will be!
90
00:03:46,729 --> 00:03:47,979
Guess what?
91
00:03:48,013 --> 00:03:50,064
Never gonna happen!
92
00:03:50,099 --> 00:03:53,251
Pete, iced tea.
Three sugars, five creams.
93
00:03:53,285 --> 00:03:55,103
Your morning 3x5.
94
00:03:55,137 --> 00:03:58,539
Coming right up.
95
00:03:58,574 --> 00:03:59,824
Well, we won't be late.
96
00:03:59,875 --> 00:04:02,943
I love you, mom.
Thanks.
97
00:04:02,961 --> 00:04:04,946
Oh, your mom's
watching the kids tonight.
98
00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:06,514
So what are you two up to?
[Chuckles]
99
00:04:06,548 --> 00:04:08,900
Oh, um, Embassy suites.
100
00:04:08,934 --> 00:04:10,418
"Do not disturb" sign
on the door.
101
00:04:10,452 --> 00:04:11,552
Mommy and daddy
are on the floor.
102
00:04:11,587 --> 00:04:13,604
[Laughs] I wish.
103
00:04:13,639 --> 00:04:14,572
What, then?
104
00:04:14,606 --> 00:04:19,027
Oh, nothing that exciting.
105
00:04:24,149 --> 00:04:25,917
Marriage counseling?
106
00:04:25,951 --> 00:04:27,351
Hmm.
107
00:04:27,386 --> 00:04:29,520
Did you know that is
the only kind of counseling
108
00:04:29,555 --> 00:04:31,172
I have never had?
109
00:04:31,206 --> 00:04:32,907
You know, Jim's kind of
nervous about it,
110
00:04:32,941 --> 00:04:34,475
but I think it could
really help.
111
00:04:34,510 --> 00:04:35,676
Mmm.
I mean, we're having issues.
112
00:04:35,694 --> 00:04:38,179
It can't hurt to talk
about them, right?
113
00:04:42,951 --> 00:04:45,219
Hey, Toby.
114
00:04:45,253 --> 00:04:47,155
Um, I wanted
to ask you a question.
115
00:04:47,189 --> 00:04:49,490
Oh, sure.
116
00:04:49,525 --> 00:04:50,646
It's a little, uh, personal.
117
00:04:50,676 --> 00:04:52,260
Let's do it.
Let's get personal.
118
00:04:52,294 --> 00:04:53,361
I wanted to talk to you
about your divorce.
119
00:04:53,395 --> 00:04:55,496
Whoa.
120
00:04:55,531 --> 00:04:58,599
Sorry. I-- no, no, no,
what I meant--what I meant--
121
00:04:58,634 --> 00:05:00,167
Oh, yeah, no, it's okay.
I can handle it.
122
00:05:00,185 --> 00:05:02,603
Um, so...
123
00:05:02,621 --> 00:05:04,255
you guys obviously
went through some tough times
124
00:05:04,289 --> 00:05:06,774
- leading up to it.
- [Chuckles, snorts]
125
00:05:06,809 --> 00:05:10,545
Okay. I was wondering if you
ever did any couples counseling?
126
00:05:10,579 --> 00:05:13,931
Oh, sure,
lots of times. Yeah.
127
00:05:13,966 --> 00:05:17,452
Wait, you and Pam aren't
in couples counseling, are you?
128
00:05:17,486 --> 00:05:18,419
Oh, God.
129
00:05:18,454 --> 00:05:19,704
No, no, no, no, no.
130
00:05:19,755 --> 00:05:23,574
Uh, we're just starting
couples counseling.
131
00:05:23,609 --> 00:05:26,644
Uh, which doesn't
sound any better.
132
00:05:26,678 --> 00:05:30,948
Oh, you guys.
Kelly called it.
133
00:05:30,983 --> 00:05:32,450
2013.
134
00:05:32,484 --> 00:05:34,285
So s--hey!
135
00:05:34,336 --> 00:05:36,921
Hey, hey, no! No.
Get outta here.
136
00:05:36,955 --> 00:05:38,539
- Clark, get outta here.
- My mistake.
137
00:05:38,573 --> 00:05:40,258
Yes, it is your mistake.
138
00:05:40,309 --> 00:05:42,810
He's lingering.
So annoying.
139
00:05:42,845 --> 00:05:44,479
I'm gonna kill him.
140
00:05:44,513 --> 00:05:46,397
How can I help?
I'm here.
141
00:05:46,431 --> 00:05:48,099
That's all right.
142
00:05:48,133 --> 00:05:49,750
Hello, William Morris Agency.
143
00:05:49,785 --> 00:05:51,385
I need to speak
with your best agent
144
00:05:51,420 --> 00:05:53,588
who represents
your biggest stars.
145
00:05:53,622 --> 00:05:56,123
Yes, I'll hold.
146
00:05:56,141 --> 00:06:00,027
I'm sorry.
I misunderstood. Good-bye.
147
00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:09,520
Thank you, Stan.
148
00:06:09,555 --> 00:06:11,239
Oh, honey.
149
00:06:11,273 --> 00:06:15,075
Look, I just want our life
to get back to normal.
150
00:06:15,093 --> 00:06:16,761
Ribbon cuttings, charity balls.
151
00:06:16,795 --> 00:06:18,062
Don't worry, I've scheduled
152
00:06:18,096 --> 00:06:20,064
a press conference
for later today.
153
00:06:20,115 --> 00:06:22,700
We just need to face
the cameras together.
154
00:06:22,734 --> 00:06:25,520
A beloved public servant
and his devoted wife.
155
00:06:25,554 --> 00:06:27,271
And move on.
156
00:06:27,322 --> 00:06:29,490
All right,
if I have to be the good wife,
157
00:06:29,525 --> 00:06:31,175
I'll be the best damn wife
there is.
158
00:06:31,210 --> 00:06:34,495
Correction. Best darn wife.
159
00:06:34,513 --> 00:06:37,431
Sorry.
I'm a better wife than that.
160
00:06:37,449 --> 00:06:38,516
[Sighs]
161
00:06:38,550 --> 00:06:40,868
Andy--[Knocks]
I need to talk to you.
162
00:06:40,903 --> 00:06:42,203
Yeah, come on in.
163
00:06:42,221 --> 00:06:44,388
I'm just on hold
with another talent agency.
164
00:06:44,423 --> 00:06:45,473
It's insane.
165
00:06:45,507 --> 00:06:46,607
This promo
with me playing banjo
166
00:06:46,641 --> 00:06:48,292
has 250 views already.
167
00:06:48,327 --> 00:06:50,244
And every time I click,
there's more.
168
00:06:50,278 --> 00:06:51,412
251.
169
00:06:51,430 --> 00:06:53,564
252.
I can't even keep up!
170
00:06:53,599 --> 00:06:55,032
Stanley is refusing
to go out on a sales call.
171
00:06:55,067 --> 00:06:57,017
[Grunts]
172
00:06:57,035 --> 00:06:59,019
I hate people!
173
00:06:59,037 --> 00:07:00,721
Why do they never do
what you need them to do?
174
00:07:00,756 --> 00:07:01,822
Stanley has to go.
That's final.
175
00:07:01,857 --> 00:07:03,591
So what I'm hearing you say is,
176
00:07:03,625 --> 00:07:04,892
"Make Stanley
go out on the sales call
177
00:07:04,926 --> 00:07:06,110
by whatever means possible"?
178
00:07:06,144 --> 00:07:08,062
Yes!
179
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:09,563
I'm sorry I'm being curt,
180
00:07:09,581 --> 00:07:12,083
it's just I'm about to land
a top talent agent.
181
00:07:12,117 --> 00:07:14,719
Mm-hmm. Good luck.
182
00:07:14,753 --> 00:07:17,388
Directory?
183
00:07:17,439 --> 00:07:20,307
Movie star department.
184
00:07:20,325 --> 00:07:22,793
Back. Directory.
185
00:07:22,828 --> 00:07:25,412
For five years I've held
my instincts in check
186
00:07:25,430 --> 00:07:27,315
because I wanted
to be made manager.
187
00:07:27,349 --> 00:07:31,885
Maybe it's time for me
to just let that thought go.
188
00:07:31,904 --> 00:07:35,373
It's kind of painful,
but it's also freeing in a way.
189
00:07:35,424 --> 00:07:38,943
Now it's all
about my instincts.
190
00:07:42,648 --> 00:07:43,648
Hey, Dwight.
191
00:07:43,699 --> 00:07:46,651
Stanley, one way or another,
192
00:07:46,685 --> 00:07:48,753
you are gonna come with me
to make this sale.
193
00:07:48,787 --> 00:07:50,254
Pass.
194
00:07:50,289 --> 00:07:51,789
Hey, c-can you just
let me out of here
195
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,174
before whatever comes next?
196
00:07:53,208 --> 00:07:54,675
Don't worry,
it's just a bull tranquilizer.
197
00:07:54,710 --> 00:07:56,127
Nothing to be alarmed about.
198
00:07:56,178 --> 00:07:58,746
It's just a man pointing a bull
tranquilizer at a coworker.
199
00:07:58,764 --> 00:08:01,299
Dwight,
you do not learn, do you?
200
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:04,518
For a threat to be credible,
you ha--
201
00:08:04,553 --> 00:08:06,137
Holy shit.
202
00:08:06,188 --> 00:08:08,606
No, you didn't.
203
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:12,526
Sick of you and your--ooh--
[Tranquilizer gun fires]
204
00:08:12,561 --> 00:08:14,478
[Thud]
205
00:08:17,149 --> 00:08:19,233
It's all right.
Andy approved it.
206
00:08:21,426 --> 00:08:23,878
Man, he's really in Twinkle Town now.
207
00:08:24,050 --> 00:08:25,413
Is he gonna be okay?
208
00:08:25,621 --> 00:08:27,939
I mean, weren't those darts
intended for an animal,
209
00:08:28,059 --> 00:08:30,442
like, two to three times
larger than him?
210
00:08:30,562 --> 00:08:33,575
Okay, this dosage was meant
for a very small bull,
211
00:08:33,636 --> 00:08:35,370
and Stanley's got way more
body fat than they do.
212
00:08:35,405 --> 00:08:37,501
- You gave him three shots.
- Shh.
213
00:08:39,089 --> 00:08:40,473
Got about 45 minutes
214
00:08:40,507 --> 00:08:42,227
to get him to the client
before he comes to.
215
00:08:42,259 --> 00:08:45,561
Grab his feet.
[Grunts]
216
00:08:46,222 --> 00:08:48,089
- Let's go. Move it!
- All right.
217
00:08:48,123 --> 00:08:49,858
One, two, three.
218
00:08:49,892 --> 00:08:51,326
[Grunts]
219
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,578
He's like a manatee.
220
00:08:53,612 --> 00:08:55,346
Ready? Let's go again.
Come on.
221
00:08:55,397 --> 00:08:57,065
We can do this.
222
00:08:57,099 --> 00:08:59,200
One, two, three!
223
00:08:59,235 --> 00:09:00,518
[Thumps]
224
00:09:00,553 --> 00:09:02,120
Oh, God.
225
00:09:02,154 --> 00:09:04,489
No wonder my elevator cables
are under such strain.
226
00:09:04,523 --> 00:09:06,291
We gotta get a wheelbarrow
or something.
227
00:09:06,325 --> 00:09:08,977
Yes.
228
00:09:09,011 --> 00:09:10,378
[Grunts]
229
00:09:10,396 --> 00:09:13,481
Okay. We're good.
We're good. Let's go.
230
00:09:13,515 --> 00:09:15,884
Oh, my God.
231
00:09:15,918 --> 00:09:18,236
- Push.
- I am!
232
00:09:19,522 --> 00:09:20,905
Any good weekend plans?
233
00:09:20,940 --> 00:09:22,607
- I might see a movie.
- Nice.
234
00:09:22,658 --> 00:09:23,741
What about you?
235
00:09:23,792 --> 00:09:25,210
Uh, I don't know yet.
236
00:09:25,244 --> 00:09:26,928
- [Grunts] Let's take him--
- I was thinking about...
237
00:09:26,962 --> 00:09:29,547
Let's go right to the top
of the stairs, okay?
238
00:09:29,582 --> 00:09:32,116
And then what?
239
00:09:32,151 --> 00:09:34,101
Okay, listen.
240
00:09:34,119 --> 00:09:35,537
I'm kind of embarrassed
to admit this,
241
00:09:35,571 --> 00:09:37,889
but I've never actually
done this before.
242
00:09:37,923 --> 00:09:41,926
Well, if I may,
you're a natural.
243
00:09:41,961 --> 00:09:43,394
Thank you.
244
00:09:43,429 --> 00:09:44,869
I mean, I've rehearsed it
in my head,
245
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,197
like, 1,000 times, but, uh...
246
00:09:46,232 --> 00:09:48,132
That's a little weird.
247
00:09:48,167 --> 00:09:50,952
I know. Evel knievel.
248
00:09:58,727 --> 00:10:00,945
That's about as good
as that's gonna be.
249
00:10:00,996 --> 00:10:02,797
Okay, now here's the plan.
250
00:10:02,831 --> 00:10:04,165
I'm gonna launch him.
251
00:10:04,183 --> 00:10:05,350
I need you to go down
to the bottom and catch him.
252
00:10:05,401 --> 00:10:06,784
- Catch?
- Yeah.
253
00:10:06,819 --> 00:10:08,553
I can't catch him,
he's, like, 250 pounds.
254
00:10:08,587 --> 00:10:11,573
You use your hands and just
blunt his descent, okay?
255
00:10:11,607 --> 00:10:13,157
- He's gonna be moving slowly.
- Blunt?
256
00:10:13,209 --> 00:10:16,010
It's only--it's 15 feet down,
it's at a 45-degree angle.
257
00:10:16,044 --> 00:10:18,146
Get set in your haunches, it's
like your catching a medicine--
258
00:10:18,180 --> 00:10:19,898
Dude,
the size of my haunches--
259
00:10:19,949 --> 00:10:22,783
[Thumps]
260
00:10:22,801 --> 00:10:25,403
Okay, good call.
261
00:10:25,454 --> 00:10:26,838
He would have put
a hole in your chest
262
00:10:26,872 --> 00:10:28,289
same as he put
a hole in that wall.
263
00:10:28,324 --> 00:10:33,194
We should probably call
a doctor or something, dude.
264
00:10:36,382 --> 00:10:37,615
You okay?
265
00:10:37,650 --> 00:10:39,851
So how does it work?
Is it like, you know,
266
00:10:39,902 --> 00:10:41,382
the action of talking to
a third party
267
00:10:41,403 --> 00:10:43,254
breaks up the log jam, or...
268
00:10:43,305 --> 00:10:45,025
You're really there
to talk to each other.
269
00:10:45,057 --> 00:10:48,610
I would say that the therapist
is more of a facilitator.
270
00:10:48,644 --> 00:10:50,478
Mm-hmm.
271
00:10:50,512 --> 00:10:52,280
He might start
by asking each of you,
272
00:10:52,314 --> 00:10:54,032
"Why do you
think you're here?"
273
00:10:54,083 --> 00:10:56,834
He took this job in Philly
without telling me.
274
00:10:56,869 --> 00:10:59,137
He bought our house
without telling me.
275
00:10:59,171 --> 00:11:01,756
At a certain point, he shouldn't
be rewarded for that.
276
00:11:01,790 --> 00:11:04,959
If I didn't do certain things
without telling Pam,
277
00:11:04,993 --> 00:11:09,564
she'd be married to Roy...
[Chuckles]
278
00:11:09,598 --> 00:11:11,816
I feel like he's always making
these decisions for the family,
279
00:11:11,850 --> 00:11:13,801
and then I'm left
playing catch-up.
280
00:11:13,835 --> 00:11:16,704
If she can just hang on
for a little while longer,
281
00:11:16,739 --> 00:11:19,123
I--this will be so huge
for our family.
282
00:11:19,158 --> 00:11:22,377
Well, what's a little while?
283
00:11:22,411 --> 00:11:23,861
What do you mean?
284
00:11:23,912 --> 00:11:26,414
I mean, what's the end date?
285
00:11:26,448 --> 00:11:29,267
It must be really hard for her
to sign on to be unhappy
286
00:11:29,301 --> 00:11:31,569
if she doesn't know
when it's gonna end.
287
00:11:31,620 --> 00:11:36,474
That's kind of
an impossible question.
288
00:11:38,861 --> 00:11:40,478
Oh, guys, it's starting!
Hurry!
289
00:11:43,866 --> 00:11:45,833
Ooh, there's Angela.
290
00:11:45,868 --> 00:11:46,834
I work with her.
291
00:11:46,869 --> 00:11:48,402
Huh. Yeah.
[Chuckles]
292
00:11:48,420 --> 00:11:51,556
I mean, I'm happy Angela's
the first one getting famous,
293
00:11:51,590 --> 00:11:54,909
but it's a little weird, no?
294
00:11:54,943 --> 00:11:56,160
I mean, she can't sing or act,
295
00:11:56,195 --> 00:11:57,862
so it's actually
kind of insane,
296
00:11:57,896 --> 00:11:59,514
if you think about it.
297
00:11:59,548 --> 00:12:00,948
Her hair looks beautiful.
298
00:12:00,983 --> 00:12:02,317
Yeah, we get it, Phyllis,
299
00:12:02,351 --> 00:12:04,352
she looks like
a freakin' movie star!
300
00:12:04,386 --> 00:12:06,771
Andy.
301
00:12:06,822 --> 00:12:09,357
I would just like
to start by saying
302
00:12:09,391 --> 00:12:14,028
that there have been some rumors
about my personal life
303
00:12:14,046 --> 00:12:16,864
that I would like to settle
once and for all.
304
00:12:16,882 --> 00:12:21,586
As my long-suffering wife
can attest...
305
00:12:21,620 --> 00:12:22,937
I am gay.
306
00:12:22,971 --> 00:12:24,872
[Surprised chatter]
307
00:12:24,890 --> 00:12:28,509
Senator, were you always gay,
or did your wife turn you gay?
308
00:12:28,543 --> 00:12:30,459
Question
for the senator's beard.
309
00:12:31,730 --> 00:12:35,315
I'll say it again
for mis amigos latinos,
310
00:12:35,349 --> 00:12:39,119
- yo soy homosexual.
- Poor Angela.
311
00:12:39,153 --> 00:12:41,421
[Chuckles]
Yeah. Poor Angela.
312
00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:43,340
I once believed
that a gay person
313
00:12:43,374 --> 00:12:45,425
could be somewhat straight.
314
00:12:45,443 --> 00:12:48,912
It wasn't until
my marriage to Angela
315
00:12:48,946 --> 00:12:51,448
that I realized how...
316
00:12:51,482 --> 00:12:54,618
charmless
I find the female body.
317
00:12:54,652 --> 00:12:56,533
Ooh. Always hurts
to hear that one.
318
00:12:56,653 --> 00:12:59,906
There's someone else
I need to thank.
319
00:12:59,941 --> 00:13:02,459
His name is Oscar Martinez.
320
00:13:02,493 --> 00:13:04,794
Come on.
321
00:13:04,829 --> 00:13:08,498
Oscar is the one who opened
my eyes to who I really am.
322
00:13:08,533 --> 00:13:11,868
Oscar is with the senator too?
323
00:13:11,919 --> 00:13:15,338
Yes! And I knew it
the whole time.
324
00:13:15,389 --> 00:13:19,893
I kept the secret.
I kept the secret so good.
325
00:13:19,927 --> 00:13:21,694
You didn't know,
you didn't know,
326
00:13:21,712 --> 00:13:23,830
and you didn't freaking know.
327
00:13:23,864 --> 00:13:25,415
But I knew!
328
00:13:25,466 --> 00:13:27,467
- He knew!
- Yes! We did it.
329
00:13:27,501 --> 00:13:29,135
You did it, Kevin.
330
00:13:29,169 --> 00:13:30,820
Yes!
331
00:13:30,855 --> 00:13:32,272
Oh!
332
00:13:32,306 --> 00:13:35,759
I did it. I did it.
333
00:13:35,793 --> 00:13:37,694
With this
new self-awareness,
334
00:13:37,728 --> 00:13:42,032
I was finally able
to find love at long last.
335
00:13:42,066 --> 00:13:43,683
With my amazing...
336
00:13:43,718 --> 00:13:47,287
Chief of Staff Wesley Silver.
337
00:13:47,321 --> 00:13:49,873
- What?
- Wesley Silver's gay?
338
00:13:49,907 --> 00:13:52,943
[Surprised chatter]
[Gasps]
339
00:13:52,977 --> 00:13:55,028
- They make a nice couple.
- [Gags]
340
00:13:55,062 --> 00:13:58,331
[Both grunting]
341
00:13:58,365 --> 00:14:00,767
Almost there.
Almost there.
342
00:14:00,801 --> 00:14:03,386
Okay.
343
00:14:03,437 --> 00:14:05,121
We're running late.
Let's get him inside.
344
00:14:05,156 --> 00:14:07,607
We can't just leave him
bubble wrapped like this.
345
00:14:07,625 --> 00:14:08,758
Are you kidding me?
346
00:14:08,809 --> 00:14:10,093
The bubble wrap
is the only thing
347
00:14:10,144 --> 00:14:11,478
that's stopping his suit
from getting wrinkled.
348
00:14:11,512 --> 00:14:14,014
These meetings
are all about presentation.
349
00:14:14,048 --> 00:14:16,099
That's actually really smart.
350
00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:17,400
Thank you.
351
00:14:17,435 --> 00:14:19,619
God, if only there was
any other use or situation
352
00:14:19,654 --> 00:14:20,687
for that kind of knowledge.
353
00:14:20,721 --> 00:14:21,922
Let's get him inside.
354
00:14:21,956 --> 00:14:24,241
Carla Fern is not
just an actor's agent.
355
00:14:24,275 --> 00:14:29,028
She does writers, directors,
travel, and real estate.
356
00:14:29,046 --> 00:14:31,164
Actor?
357
00:14:31,198 --> 00:14:32,649
Oh, no.
[Chuckles]
358
00:14:32,683 --> 00:14:33,933
Well, I have an act.
359
00:14:33,951 --> 00:14:35,852
Dog, cat, mouse.
360
00:14:35,886 --> 00:14:37,771
Yeah, wow, cool.
361
00:14:37,805 --> 00:14:41,191
Is it hard
to train them to do that?
362
00:14:41,225 --> 00:14:43,309
Eh, you go through
a lot of mice.
363
00:14:43,327 --> 00:14:45,111
It started by accident,
actually,
364
00:14:45,129 --> 00:14:46,246
as these things tend to do.
365
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,497
You know,
I was setting down my cat,
366
00:14:47,548 --> 00:14:48,732
and I accidentally
put her on top of my dog,
367
00:14:48,766 --> 00:14:50,584
and I was, like,
so mad at myself at first.
368
00:14:50,618 --> 00:14:54,721
And then I was like, wait.
Wait a second.
369
00:14:54,755 --> 00:14:56,506
Does anything go
on top of the mouse?
370
00:14:56,557 --> 00:14:58,275
Yeah.
371
00:14:58,309 --> 00:15:01,227
- Little hat. Yeah.
- Aw, that's cute.
372
00:15:01,262 --> 00:15:02,579
What's the mouse's name?
373
00:15:02,630 --> 00:15:03,930
Eh, you know,
374
00:15:03,965 --> 00:15:07,851
it really doesn't
make sense to name the mice.
375
00:15:07,902 --> 00:15:10,270
They're kind of like
cannon fodder, you know?
376
00:15:10,304 --> 00:15:13,323
You're not one of those
PETA guys, are you?
377
00:15:13,374 --> 00:15:15,575
Oh, great.
378
00:15:15,593 --> 00:15:18,061
Hey, wait, wait, how--
how we doing this?
379
00:15:18,095 --> 00:15:21,331
Well, I'll grab the forelegs,
and you push his hindquarters.
380
00:15:21,365 --> 00:15:23,917
Just say "arms" and "legs,"
okay? That just--
381
00:15:23,951 --> 00:15:25,335
that's the vernacular
that I'm comfortable with.
382
00:15:25,369 --> 00:15:26,670
Fine, let's go.
383
00:15:26,704 --> 00:15:28,121
[Sighs]
384
00:15:28,155 --> 00:15:29,756
Hoist his shank on three.
385
00:15:29,774 --> 00:15:31,574
- What's a shank?
- It's by the tenderloin.
386
00:15:31,609 --> 00:15:35,061
Roll him, roll him, roll him.
Good. Good.
387
00:15:35,079 --> 00:15:37,030
Okay, careful, he's slouching.
388
00:15:37,064 --> 00:15:39,049
Okay, can you--
slouch him into the seat.
389
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:41,518
[Grunts] Here.
Go around, get the seatbelt.
390
00:15:41,552 --> 00:15:45,338
All right.
391
00:15:45,356 --> 00:15:49,976
- Got it?
- Yeah--yup.
392
00:15:50,010 --> 00:15:52,862
[Grunts]
393
00:15:52,897 --> 00:15:54,414
Get in the back.
394
00:15:54,448 --> 00:15:55,999
- What?
- Get in the back.
395
00:15:56,033 --> 00:15:58,368
- Aw, come on.
- Get in.
396
00:15:58,419 --> 00:15:59,485
Damn it.
397
00:16:04,446 --> 00:16:05,928
Okay, Stanley?
398
00:16:06,431 --> 00:16:08,565
Do you understand
what we're about to do?
399
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,235
- Hello.
- Okay, we--hey.
400
00:16:11,269 --> 00:16:13,487
Hey, listen, listen.
401
00:16:13,521 --> 00:16:16,607
We are going to go discuss
paper contracts
402
00:16:16,658 --> 00:16:19,860
for city of Lackawanna
public schools, okay?
403
00:16:19,894 --> 00:16:22,496
- Pigeons.
- Oh, God, this is bad.
404
00:16:22,530 --> 00:16:24,915
Looks like we've got no choice.
405
00:16:24,949 --> 00:16:29,569
You, my friend, are going to
have to be Stanley Hudson.
406
00:16:29,587 --> 00:16:33,540
Isn't the client, like,
best friends with his sister?
407
00:16:33,574 --> 00:16:35,375
New plan, okay?
408
00:16:35,409 --> 00:16:37,744
We get him a cup of coffee
and we go back to the old plan.
409
00:16:37,762 --> 00:16:39,680
Let's go. Gimme a hand.
410
00:16:39,714 --> 00:16:41,515
Here we go.
Come on, Stanley!
411
00:16:41,549 --> 00:16:43,884
Here we go. Upsie-doozie.
There we go.
412
00:16:43,918 --> 00:16:47,354
Okay, all right.
Come on, big guy.
413
00:16:47,388 --> 00:16:48,605
You can walk, right?
Yeah. [Laughs]
414
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,524
What a pretty smile.
Let's go.
415
00:16:50,558 --> 00:16:54,561
I'm sure athlete
will be a huge success.
416
00:16:54,595 --> 00:16:56,313
But I don't want him
to do it anymore,
417
00:16:56,364 --> 00:16:57,815
and I don't want
to give him an ultimatum,
418
00:16:57,866 --> 00:17:00,433
but I am not moving
our family to Philly.
419
00:17:00,451 --> 00:17:03,603
Well, if Pam says
she won't go, then--[Chuckles]
420
00:17:03,621 --> 00:17:05,205
We're gonna need
a lot more than counseling.
421
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:07,407
Hmph.
422
00:17:07,441 --> 00:17:10,777
That was exhausting.
423
00:17:10,795 --> 00:17:12,663
Blah blah blah blah.
424
00:17:12,714 --> 00:17:13,964
Jim.
425
00:17:13,998 --> 00:17:15,782
Well, they deserve
each other, then.
426
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,301
- They do. That they do.
- That is for sure.
427
00:17:17,335 --> 00:17:18,719
[Whispers] That they do.
428
00:17:25,643 --> 00:17:28,145
And for--oh, whoopsie daisy.
[Chuckles]
429
00:17:28,179 --> 00:17:29,646
Stanley, what is going on here?
430
00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:30,797
He's fine.
431
00:17:30,815 --> 00:17:33,466
- He gets carsick really easily.
- Driving.
432
00:17:33,484 --> 00:17:35,485
It's a long drive.
He was in the backseat.
433
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,020
But right now
we're talking to Mrs. Davis
434
00:17:37,071 --> 00:17:39,323
about the full range
of the products that we offer
435
00:17:39,357 --> 00:17:41,859
and our competitive rates,
right, Stanley?
436
00:17:43,477 --> 00:17:45,279
Ooh-hoo,
look at that baby...
437
00:17:45,313 --> 00:17:50,284
- Stanley.
- Oh...
438
00:17:50,318 --> 00:17:51,668
That's Benji in the middle.
439
00:17:51,703 --> 00:17:55,122
That's Benji.
Oh, he's precious.
440
00:17:55,156 --> 00:17:57,324
That's a healthy-looking baby.
441
00:17:57,342 --> 00:17:59,009
Very special little boy.
442
00:17:59,043 --> 00:18:03,513
Look at him. I've never seen
such a beautiful child.
443
00:18:03,548 --> 00:18:04,664
Funny sense of humor.
444
00:18:04,682 --> 00:18:05,849
If you push his nose,
he'll go, "Eee."
445
00:18:05,884 --> 00:18:07,834
- Like this? Watch.
- Eee.
446
00:18:07,852 --> 00:18:09,219
[Laughter]
Like that.
447
00:18:09,270 --> 00:18:11,138
A beautiful family.
448
00:18:11,172 --> 00:18:13,974
[Laughter]
449
00:18:14,008 --> 00:18:16,560
Right? Come on!
450
00:18:16,611 --> 00:18:18,612
Yeah, maybe
I'll never be manager,
451
00:18:18,646 --> 00:18:22,616
but I just managed to get
our most stubborn salesman
452
00:18:22,650 --> 00:18:25,202
to close a sale
with one of our biggest clients,
453
00:18:25,236 --> 00:18:28,372
and I must say it's the most
pleasant I've ever seen Stanley.
454
00:18:28,406 --> 00:18:29,873
I think we should
consider injecting him
455
00:18:29,908 --> 00:18:32,159
with bull tranquilizer
on a daily basis.
456
00:18:32,193 --> 00:18:35,362
So what can you do?
457
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:38,248
[Australian accent]
Well, what can't I do?
458
00:18:38,299 --> 00:18:40,367
Right? I can sing,
459
00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:44,338
I can play the banjo, innit?
460
00:18:44,372 --> 00:18:46,123
And if you hadn't noticed,
461
00:18:46,157 --> 00:18:49,009
I've got a pretty good
British accent.
462
00:18:49,043 --> 00:18:50,894
Can you drive a car?
463
00:18:50,929 --> 00:18:52,095
At the risk
of sounding arrogant,
464
00:18:52,146 --> 00:18:54,047
I did drive myself here.
465
00:18:54,065 --> 00:18:55,215
Why do you have, uh,
466
00:18:55,233 --> 00:18:58,101
a high school musical
here on your resume?
467
00:18:58,152 --> 00:19:00,604
What are you,
like, 40? 45?
468
00:19:00,655 --> 00:19:02,739
My exact age is 28 to 34,
469
00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:04,241
so basically just send me out
470
00:19:04,275 --> 00:19:06,076
on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's
going out on.
471
00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:09,329
Gyllenhaal, got it.
472
00:19:09,364 --> 00:19:11,731
Can you juggle and crap?
473
00:19:11,749 --> 00:19:13,333
Yes.
474
00:19:13,368 --> 00:19:15,369
And yes.
[Chuckles]
475
00:19:15,403 --> 00:19:18,672
Would you dress up
as, say, a birthday clown
476
00:19:18,706 --> 00:19:23,743
and go to a kid's party,
let them throw pies at ya?
477
00:19:23,761 --> 00:19:26,246
Whereas that is not
478
00:19:26,264 --> 00:19:29,516
why I have
entered show business,
479
00:19:29,550 --> 00:19:33,753
I do understand that
you have to build credibility.
480
00:19:33,771 --> 00:19:36,306
[Sniffs] I'm all for it.
481
00:19:36,357 --> 00:19:38,058
Well, Mr. Bernard,
I'm gonna be honest with you.
482
00:19:38,092 --> 00:19:41,311
Well, at least I tried.
Thank you very much.
483
00:19:41,362 --> 00:19:45,148
No, we're--we're gonna
take you on as a client.
484
00:19:48,202 --> 00:19:50,904
You are?
485
00:19:50,938 --> 00:19:53,323
Yes!
486
00:19:53,374 --> 00:19:56,076
Yes.
487
00:19:56,110 --> 00:19:58,161
Are you being
for real right now?
488
00:19:58,212 --> 00:19:59,612
Oh, man.
489
00:19:59,630 --> 00:20:01,081
Ah, yes!
490
00:20:01,115 --> 00:20:02,749
I need this so bad.
491
00:20:02,783 --> 00:20:06,803
I really think
this is what could fix me.
492
00:20:06,838 --> 00:20:10,841
We are extremely excited to
be working with you too, sir.
493
00:20:12,477 --> 00:20:15,345
Pay Todd on your way out.
494
00:20:15,396 --> 00:20:19,182
Most talent agents take 10%
of whatever jobs they get you,
495
00:20:19,233 --> 00:20:22,769
but with Carla
you pay a flat rate
496
00:20:22,803 --> 00:20:25,355
of $5,000 up front.
497
00:20:25,406 --> 00:20:27,974
And that includes headshots.
498
00:20:27,992 --> 00:20:29,526
Uh, it doesn't
include headshots.
499
00:20:29,577 --> 00:20:31,161
- It doesn't include headshots.
- No.
500
00:20:31,195 --> 00:20:34,331
Well, of course not, because
that would be insane if it did.
501
00:20:34,365 --> 00:20:37,667
Still getting
a bargain, though.
502
00:20:40,705 --> 00:20:44,041
So I just smiled
and complimented her grandkids,
503
00:20:44,092 --> 00:20:45,842
and we closed it?
504
00:20:45,877 --> 00:20:47,177
You earned yourself
a nice, fat commission
505
00:20:47,211 --> 00:20:50,297
and you didn't even know it.
506
00:20:50,331 --> 00:20:52,966
I'll go tell Andy
the good news.
507
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,019
Oh. [Chuckles] Silly me.
Gotta take the stairs.
508
00:20:56,054 --> 00:20:57,854
Oh, no,
I'm not doing that again.
509
00:20:57,889 --> 00:21:00,378
You got me down,
you gotta get me back up.
510
00:21:00,498 --> 00:21:02,008
Well--no, no--n--
511
00:21:12,106 --> 00:21:14,554
We need a winch and a hoist.
512
00:21:15,106 --> 00:21:21,282
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com